Christopher Roy Denton's (robertbaker) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

765 Public Reviews Given

968 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

When I review an item, the criticism offered aims to address the main problems I personally feel the writer has at the moment. So, if I critique a story that is full of typos, lacks a clear plot and a sympathetic character, I'll tend to ignore the typos and focus on how the writer can craft a better plot and protagonist, while if the story is near perfect yet full of typos, I'll focus on the typos. I don't enjoy reviewing poetry. This isn't because I don't enjoy poetry, but because poetry is a very personal statement of feelings, and it's difficult to comment on such without upsetting the author.

I'm good at...

Critiquing opening chapters and offering advice on hook, character development, plot development and initial setting. In real life, I love to read novels, so I particularly enjoy reviewing opening chapters.

Favorite Genres

Fantasy, sci-fi, speculative and historical fiction — I especially love time travel and YA fantasy/sci-fi

Least Favorite Genres

Poetry, erotica, romance, crime, thrillers, horror

Favorite Item Types

opening chapters and short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

poetry, lyrics, interactive stories

I will not review...

Your shopping list. Anything else goes.

76

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4349628

Review of Untitled

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, MorbidVampire

!

I am B-B-Bobby, frozen zombie from beyond the wall, and I'm here to eat your flesh! to review your item as a loyal horde warrior of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" in the biggest Reviews War on WDC — "Game of Thrones"

What lured me to feast on your flesh read your item?

Today I'm seeking gothic poetry to read, and your poem came up on my search.

What did I enjoy, other than the taste of your blood on my frozen lips?

I liked the theme, the emotion you expressed about being so dependent upon your love interest that they have become like a tourniquet to you, keeping you alive. That's such an interesting simile because it can be extrapolated to imply overly controlling pressure, and there's also the thought that complete release of that pressure will lead to sudden and fatal blood loss.

What grabbed me like a dragonstone barb?

The concept of "losing control with me" was really interesting to me. It's this idea of obsession crossing a line, and a person actually wishing to be dominated - completely controlled. It's dangerous, really, when obsession goes too far. You're exploring really interesting emotions at that point in your poem.

What made me stumble in the snow and say, “Arrrggghhhh, huh?”

The line, "You make me feel like I’m on cloud nine," did cause me to pause. You see, the "cloud nine" thing is simply a bit too cliche, imho. Where you are able to, try and find fresh and arresting similes rather than tired idioms that have been used a million times by others.

What could have given me greater pleasure than gnawing on your frostbitten extremities?

I do like the theme of your poem, and you use several really interesting ideas, but the language you use is sometimes a little tired, vague, and repetitive. By tired, I mean cliches as mentioned before. By vague, I mean repeating verbs like "seems". I feel that you need to select more powerful, specific verbs that carry deeper and at the same time more concrete meaning to your reader's eyes and ears. By repetitive, I mean that you use verbs like "will" and the infamous "to be" too many times.

Final thaw-ts…

Better vocabulary selection could really bring your poem to life. Avoid cliches.

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones"

and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

Until next time… WRITE ON!

Best wishes,

B-B-Bobby, White Walker from Beyond the Wall

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

77

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4349612

Review of Broken Into Whole

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, Jolly Rotten

I am B-B-Bobby, frozen zombie from beyond the wall, and I'm here to eat your flesh! to review your item as a loyal horde warrior of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" in the biggest Reviews War on WDC — "Game of Thrones"

What lured me to feast on your flesh read your item?
I just love your handle, which I presume is a take on Johnny Rotten.

What did I enjoy, other than the taste of your blood on my frozen lips?

I liked the powerful resolution in the final line - your apparent acceptance of what you've become, for better or worse.

What grabbed me like a dragonstone barb?

I particularly loved the line, "My broken smile no longer hides all that I despise," because I've seen so many people try to hide their pain behind a weak smile, so I can imagine this.

Other than that, I liked the structure, with the three quatrains rhyming ABAB, then the separate pair of couplets.

What made me stumble in the snow and say, “Arrrggghhhh, huh?”

I stumbled a little over the lack of rhyme in the first of the two couplets in the center of your poem. Except for that couplet, there are strong rhymes everywhere else. Usually, such a break from the structure is to emphasize something important, but I couldn't figure out what made those lines especially important.

What could have given me greater pleasure than gnawing on your frostbitten extremities?

Just two thoughts here:

where my hopes fell desolate there now stands nightmares - shouldn't this be "stand" rather than "stands" since "nightmares" is plural?

Hollow and sorrow are all to true inside my broken dreams - I believe you meant "too true" here, not "to".

Final thaw-ts…

To me, the theme of this is rather depressing, but the conclusion is strong. Thank you for sharing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones"

and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

Until next time… WRITE ON!

Best wishes,

B-B-Bobby, White Walker from Beyond the Wall

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

78

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4347672

Review of We Don't Repair Alien Spacecraft

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, Serge Wlodarski

!

I am B-B-Bobby, frozen zombie from beyond the wall, and I'm here to eat your flesh! to review your item as a loyal horde warrior of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" in the biggest Reviews War on WDC — "Game of Thrones"

What lured me to feast on your flesh read your item?

Today I'm reviewing comedy stories, and I came across yours.

What did I enjoy, other than the taste of your blood on my frozen lips?

There are several really amuzing moments in your story. The first is Saiz turning up, the second is his interest in old cars, and the third was the waitress from the Waffle House. I loved all of them.

What grabbed me like a dragonstone barb?

I particularly loved that the protagonist can't understand women.

What made me stumble in the snow and say, “Arrrggghhhh, huh?”

Nothing confused me. Your story was clear and interesting.

What could have given me greater pleasure than gnawing on your frostbitten extremities?

I felt that you could have expanded on the "not understanding women" thing. You could, for example, have mentioned Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and said that in fact, it's easier for him to understand a real alien than a woman.

One of the biggest problems with first person narration is that it's difficult to get in the name of the protagonist. Usually, this is achieved through dialogue, where the narrator is addressed by name early on in the story. Your story never names the protagonist, which is a shame. It's easier for readers to engage with a narrator if they know his name. If they don't even know his name, why should they care what happens to him? Consider getting in his name somewhere.

Your narrative is quite telling. For example, when Saiz arrives, you don't set a specific scene, show what's going on at that exact time, and introduce dialogue to show how the event happens. Instead, you tell us what happened with summaries of the conversation. It's easier for a reader to get immersed in your story if they can get the feeling that they're there, a "suspension of disbelief". Consider showing the actual speech beteen Saiz and the protagonist.

Consider this paragraph: It was obvious from the start. Saiz had told the truth. He is a first-rate mechanic. And with four long, flexible arms, he can work faster than any human. - there's nothing technically wrong with swapping from past to present tense when describing something that's true now, at the point of narration. However, it often makes for smoother narrative if you can keep everything in the same tense, eg. It was obvious from the start. Saiz had told the truth. He was a first-rate mechanic. And with four long, flexible arms, he could work faster than any human.

Final thaw-ts…

This was a great story, but I think that you should give the narrator a name and show the actual conversations and scenes.

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones"

and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

Until next time… WRITE ON!

Best wishes,

B-B-Bobby, White Walker from Beyond the Wall

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

79

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4347615

Review of Is abstinence the best policy?

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hello, Joey's Spring has Sprung

!

I am B-B-Bobby, frozen zombie from beyond the wall, and I'm here to eat your flesh! to review your item as a loyal horde warrior of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" in the biggest Reviews War on WDC — "Game of Thrones"

What lured me to feast on your flesh read your item?

Today I'm reading comedy short stories, and a search led me to yours.

What did I enjoy, other than the taste of your blood on my frozen lips?

Your final punchline was awesome!

What grabbed me like a dragonstone barb?

The pastor's first mention of "the test". That was very funny. However, you could have built it up a bit by maybe having him sweat a little and then blush as he tells them.

What made me stumble in the snow and say, “Arrrggghhhh, huh?”

Noting really. Your story was crystal clear and amusing.

What could have given me greater pleasure than gnawing on your frostbitten extremities?

I think that your story could be a little better edited. Here are a few notes:

"It stinks mom, we spent more time together before we got married, its like he just takes me for granted," said the young woman, as she sat at her mother's kitchen table. - when somebody speaks, get the tag line in as soon as possible, not after several lines of speech. Also, watch your punctuation. Here, when "mom" is used as a proper noun, it is capitalized. When somebody is addressed in speech, separate their name from what is said to them using a comma. The contraction of "it is" is "it's". Consider:
"It stinks, Mom," said the young woman as she sat at her mother's kitchen table. "We spent more time together before we got married. It's like he just takes me for granted."

in the mean time you should look for things that you can do together - meantime is a compound word, not two.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/meantim...

said the mother as she tried to help her daughter adjust to one of the rigors of married life. - don't tell something you've already shown. The dialogue shows that Mom is trying to help her, so it's redundant to mention it here.

The couple agreed to the test and was off on their way. - start a new paragraph here because their actions do not belong to the pastor, who was just speaking. Also, phrasing is a little awkward. Consider: The couple agreed to the test and went on their way.

Final thaw-ts…

This is a very funny story, but you need to edit it a bit better, imho.

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones"

and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

Until next time… WRITE ON!

Best wishes,

B-B-Bobby, White Walker from Beyond the Wall

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

80

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4347565

Review of I Know It's You, I'm Your Mother

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, SandraLynn Team Florent!

!

I am B-B-Bobby, frozen zombie from beyond the wall, and I'm here to eat your flesh! to review your item as a loyal horde warrior of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" in the biggest Reviews War on WDC — "Game of Thrones"

What lured me to feast on your flesh read your item?

Today I'm reviewing comedy short stories, and a search led me to yours.

What did I enjoy, other than the taste of your blood on my frozen lips?

The constant frustration of the daughter is great. Mom really keeps her on her toes.

What grabbed me like a dragonstone barb?

I was grabbed initially by Mom's statement that mentioned she was dying. At that point, I thought they were in accident and emergency (ER), but soon it becomes clear that she's actually just in a retirement home.

What made me stumble in the snow and say, “Arrrggghhhh, huh?”

The ending. It was anticlimactic because nothing really happened. The humor was so funny up until there that I expected some kind of end punchline.

What could have given me greater pleasure than gnawing on your frostbitten extremities?

The ending, "I don't have the luxury of time," could be stronger. Consider, for example, a reversal of position. In the opening paragraph, Mom states she is dying. At the end, she could criticize her daughter for thinking she's dying and wonder what could possibly have made her think that.

I'd like to see more of the internal struggle from the daughter, more of what she thinks and feels about what her mom is saying to her.

I'm kinda confused about your conventions. You use British spelling for "colour" but then "Mom" rather than "Mum" for the mother. Elsewhere you use American words like "sweater" and "cookies". Are you going with American spelling? If so, you need to change "colour" to color.

A few more notes:

I just thought you'd like some Spring colour." - I know that this is a strange one, but for some weird reason, the names of seasons are NOT capitalized.

http://grammar.yourdictionary.com/capitalization/c...

"Is that the sweater Gary gave to you? Is it warm? Here, let me adjust the buttons." - if there are buttons, wouldn't it be a cardigan rather than a sweater? Well, in British English, jumper or cardigan would be more correct, while in American English a sweater can be both a cardigan or a pullover style sweater.

"And cookies. - British English with a ninety-one-year-old speaking should really be "biscuits".

Final thaw-ts…

The dialogue was very funny, but I think you need a stronger ending.

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones"

and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

Until next time… WRITE ON!

Best wishes,

B-B-Bobby, White Walker from Beyond the Wall

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

81

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4347297

Review of "Prozac" --by Darken Gravez

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, DarkenGravez

!

I am B-B-Bobby, frozen zombie from beyond the wall, and I'm here to eat your flesh! to review your item as a loyal horde warrior of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" in the biggest Reviews War on WDC — "Game of Thrones"

What lured me to feast on your flesh read your item?

I was looking for medical items to review and stumbled across your poem.

What did I enjoy, other than the taste of your blood on my frozen lips?

I liked the line, "I smile at funerals for I can't produce tears," because I thought it was quite profound. I get completely what you mean there.

What grabbed me like a dragonstone barb?

For me, the repeated "Why?" was quite powerful and stayed in my mind.

What made me stumble in the snow and say, “Arrrggghhhh, huh?”

I got rather confused when I read: "Every day for a sip of water, my life becomes a ritual." - ideally, your opening line should pack a punch and say something meaningful. At least it should help introduce the theme. To be honest, I don't understand what you mean at all in this opening sentence. If I had to guess, you are referring to the glass of water you use to take your Prozac tablet. However, I really don't get what the actual sentence means. Why does your life need to become a ritual so that you can get a glass of water?

What could have given me greater pleasure than gnawing on your frostbitten extremities?

Consider the line: "A lot times I just don't have emotion." - When writing poetry, it's very important, much more important than with prose, to make every single word count and use the most appropriate word in every part of each line. Samuel Taylor Coleridge said that in Shakespeare's sonnets not one word could be substituted or removed without either changing the meaning of the line or making it less aesthetically pleasing to the ear. Here, the opening clause is grammatically incorrect, so it should really be: "A lot of times" or "A lot of the time". The word "just" adds nothing to the line. "have" is exceedingly weak as a verb choice. Try to craft each line so that it's like a poem in itself. For example, off the top of my head, consider: Most of the time, I simply don't feel emotion.

Final thaw-ts…

For me, this poem was rather negative and depressing. However, Sylvia Plath's poems read a little like this, so I guess you're in good company. Good luck with your poetry, and I hope you don't feel so depressed right now!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones"

and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

Until next time… WRITE ON!

Best wishes,

B-B-Bobby, White Walker from Beyond the Wall

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

82

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4347165

Review of Fragile like Steel, A Special Girl

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, Redtowrite

!

I am B-B-Bobby, frozen zombie from beyond the wall, and I'm here to eat your flesh! to review your item as a loyal horde warrior of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" in the biggest Reviews War on WDC — "Game of Thrones"

What lured me to feast on your flesh read your item?

Today I'm reviewing items in the medical genre and came across your story.

What did I enjoy, other than the taste of your blood on my frozen lips?

Annie is a wonderfully sympathetic character. She's lovable, inteligent, and works hard to do the right thing. She's a perfect protagonist.

What grabbed me like a dragonstone barb?

The deteriorating relationship with Jim was my favorite part. It's really well done.

What made me stumble in the snow and say, “Arrrggghhhh, huh?”

The chronology of the story is unclear. When Jim is introduced, it's like it's a flashback, but as the story continues, much later it becomes clear that it's not a flashback, it's in the future after the "I get government money for you" scene. So, I got really lost in the middle of that.

What could have given me greater pleasure than gnawing on your frostbitten extremities?

Here are a few notes for possible improvements:

Tears would overflow and she would run to the bathroom to hide in shame. - words like "would" are weak stall words that add little if anything to your narrative. Consider: "Tears overflowed, and she ran to the bathroom to hide in shame." See how little change in meaning there is, and yet the new sentence reads as more imminent and active.

'Why did God make her ugly? What had she done? ' - I'd suggest that you either leave these statements without quotation marks OR set them off as thoughts by using italics.

like soldiers that came back from wars. - when speaking about people, it's better to use "who" rather than "that" as a pronoun in clauses like this one. Consider: like soldiers who returned from a war.

Annie only knew heartbreaking words from her mother, June. - when telling a story like this one, it's better to remain within the child's viewpoint. She would never think of her mother as "June", and it's not important anyway, so why include it. Think about the famous children's stories you've read, and then think about how many parent's first names you know. The only book series where I know a parent's name is Enid Blyton's Famous Five books, and that's because she had a ridiculous name that nobody ever forgot: Fanny.

"Are you going to give me away, ma?" - here she's using Ma as a proper noun, so it needs to be capitalized. The rule on family names like this is that when they are used as common nouns, like "my dad" or "your mum", then they are lower case, but when used as names, such as "Hi, Dad!" or "Where are you, Mum?" then they are capitalized.

{{b}u}Childhood Memories - there's a formatting error here. I think you meant: Childhood Memories

They made up a fairy named Starlight who lived in their fantasy land watched over them. - missing "and" before "watched".

June said, "Yes, mam." - I think you mean, "Yes, ma'am."

Annie heard Ma and Jim fighting that night while she tried to sleep. - "cried herself to sleep" would be more powerful.

"A Tree grows in Brooklyn". - provide book titles in italics rather than quotation marks, ie. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. Usually all the key words in a title are in capitals.

The final aside, of Suzie being kidnapped by her grandmother, does little for the story and, I feel, detracts from the main theme of following Annie's life story. Consider dropping that and going straight to Annie's love interest resolution.

Final thaw-ts…

I really loved this story. I think that you have a lot of small editing issues, but overall there are many truly awesome elements to this story.

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones"

and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

Until next time… WRITE ON!

Best wishes,

B-B-Bobby, White Walker from Beyond the Wall

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

83

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4347107

Review of After the Transplant

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, Unapologetic Poetess

!

I am B-B-Bobby, frozen zombie from beyond the wall, and I'm here to eat your flesh! to review your item as a loyal horde warrior of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" in the biggest Reviews War on WDC — "Game of Thrones"

What lured me to feast on your flesh read your item?

I'm looking for medical related items to review, and your poem turned up in my genre search.

What did I enjoy, other than the taste of your blood on my frozen lips?

My personal favorite bit was, "as I dissect every nuance, begging for a clue". I love the way you show the difficulties the patient has in interpreting the real thoughts of the "expressionless, professionally detached" doctors.

What grabbed me like a dragonstone barb?

The line, "just a few more moments bought" really touched me because it sums up the hopeless feeling of the patient, never feeling completely safe and healed after a major transplant operation. With that one, simple line, you really expressed the emotions well.

What made me stumble in the snow and say, “Arrrggghhhh, huh?”

There's only one line of the poem that makes it clear that the patient is not the narrator: "what else inside you". This line is found toward the end of the third of three stanzas, after 80% of the poem has already been read. Without your introduction, which is not part of the poem and wouldn't be published with it in a magazine, I feel that many readers would assume that the narrator was talking about themselves until they reached this point. That would shatter their sensation of "suspension of disbelief".

What could have given me greater pleasure than gnawing on your frostbitten extremities?

Make it clearer that the poem is about a family member from the opening stanza. Ideally, indicate or at least imply the exact nature of the relationship. Readers will find it easier to become emotionally engaged with their poem if they can understand what kind of love is involved. Is this a child worried for her parent? A wife fearful for her husband? A mother crying over her child's illness? Can you see that each of these would involve very different emotions and resonate more with different people? For example, a person without children of their own will engage better with the one about parents, especially if they are single.

and the way my throat truncates my inhale - I think you meant "inhalation" on the end there. Otherwise, it doesn't really make grammatical sense. To be honest, I'd go with simple and use "breath".

Final thaw-ts…

This is a powerful poem, but it could be more engaging and carry even more impact if specific emotions were brought into action.

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones"

and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

Until next time… WRITE ON!

Best wishes,

B-B-Bobby, White Walker from Beyond the Wall

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

84

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14 days may be credited.

#4346937

Review of Five Years

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, Ruth Draves

!

I am B-B-Bobby, frozen zombie from beyond the wall, and I'm here to eat your flesh! to review your item as a loyal horde warrior of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" in the biggest Reviews War on WDC — "Game of Thrones"

What lured me to feast on your flesh read your item?

Today we are reviewing medical items, and a quick search of that genre led me to your flash fiction.

What did I enjoy, other than the taste of your blood on my frozen lips?

I loved the resolution - the narrator's resolve to "do" five years. That's emotionally powerful.

What grabbed me like a dragonstone barb?

The first mention of a tumor grabbed me. That's an important fact, and you might like to bring it in earlier.

What made me stumble in the snow and say, “Arrrggghhhh, huh?”

Noting really made me stumble. Your theme and the event in the story as they unfolded are all clear.

What could have given me greater pleasure than gnawing on your frostbitten extremities?

Name the narrator. There's lots of dialogue, but not even when she's addressed by the doctor does her name appear. She could even be a man for the first part of the story. For example: “Well, Ruth, I have some good news,” he exclaimed.

I feel it would have been stronger if you'd got Darryl's name and relationship to the narrator into the story sooner. The opening line doesn't actually add anything to the story, so it could be cut. The sentence “The surgeon said four hours, tops,” is actually a great opening sentence because it immediately both provokes a question and implies a conflict. Question: what is the surgeon doing? Conflict: the surgeon being slow might mean something really bad is about to happen or is already happening. Establishing a strong relationship between the narrator and the patient would both increase sympathy for the narrator and increase the reader's emotional investment in what happens to Darryl.

A few other notes:

the harsh florescent light - technically, there should be a comma between "harsh" and "flourescent".

I pulled that salivary gland and a nerve that didn't look so pretty good. - Consider cutting "pretty" as it sounds awkward here.

and tried to fit all the information in. - when you're writing a sentence, it's usually best to end it on an important/powerful word where possible. It's usually not a great idea to end a sentence on a preposition. Consider: "and tried to squeeze in all the information."

ICU recovering from stage 3 oral cancer. - as a general rule, write out small numbers in the narrative, ie. "stage three cancer".

Final thaw-ts…

This is a powerful story, but you might like to get in the narrator's name and also bring in the relationship details and tumor earlier to increase initial hook and emotional impact.

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones"

and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

Until next time… WRITE ON!

Best wishes,

B-B-Bobby, White Walker from Beyond the Wall

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

85

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4346919

Review of Life Extension

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, Jatog the Green

!

I am B-B-Bobby, frozen zombie from beyond the wall, and I'm here to eat your flesh! to review your item as a loyal horde warrior of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" in the biggest Reviews War on WDC — "Game of Thrones"

What lured me to feast on your flesh read your item?

I have to review medical items today, and a quick search led me to your excellent poem.

What did I enjoy, other than the taste of your blood on my frozen lips?

I love what you've done with the prompt, taking “Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation” and molding it into an acrostic poem. Writing a story poem that illustrates this emergency procedure is a great idea.

What grabbed me like a dragonstone barb?

The line, "Lars Underwood seized his chest, fell moaning, face first, off his chair," really grabbed me. It's a good line. However, I do think it would be better if you could have brought these lines into the story earlier, somehow. It felt as if too much of the initial stanza was given over to scene setting and not enough to launching into the action of your great story poem.

What made me stumble in the snow and say, “Arrrggghhhh, huh?”

Even though I already knew this was an acrostic poem from your notes, I struggled to read the relevant words spelled out at the beginning of your lines.

What could have given me greater pleasure than gnawing on your frostbitten extremities?

It would be nice if you could make the acrostic element clearer. One of the pleasurable things about an acrostic poem is the reader's ability to pick up on the words that inspired the poem, ie. to be able to read “Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation” in this poem. However, you have done two things which mask this aesthetic quality: centered the poem and not used capital letters to begin each line. Consider using capital letters to begin each line, using BOLD for each initial letter, and using left alignment rather than centered.

Final thaw-ts…

This is actually a really great story poem. If you haven't already done so, I suggest that you enter it into "Invalid Item"

. I think it would do really well.

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones"

and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

Until next time… WRITE ON!

Best wishes,

B-B-Bobby, White Walker from Beyond the Wall

Image #2087205 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

86

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4346048

Review of Jewish Injustice

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello, Angel_Eyes

I am B-B-Bobby, frozen zombie from beyond the wall, and I'm here to nibble on your salty toes! to review your item as a loyal horde member of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" for the biggest Reviews War on WDC — "Game of Thrones"

What lured me to feast on your flesh read your item?

Since you always speak so highly of me, I thought I'd visit your port!

What did I enjoy, other than the taste of your blood on my frozen lips?

I love that you've initiated a debate about a really important topic that deserves to get more recognition and notice than it does. I applaud the fact that you have written this emotionally charged, fact-packed article and introduced this topic to the WDC community.

What grabbed me like a dragonstone barb?

I was grabbed by the opening statement that suggested genocide that is known to a few but concealed from the masses.

What made me stumble in the snow and say, “Arrrggghhhh, huh?”

The title is very misleading. The way it's written, I thought you were going to talk about how a group of Jewish people did bad things to another group of people. But the article is actually the opposite of its title. A better, clearer title would make it clear that the atrocity was committed against the Jews and not by them, eg. Jewish Suffering or maybe Polish Injustice.

What could have given me greater pleasure than gnawing on your frostbitten extremities?

I would have preferred this to have been linked to outside information sources or reference material so that the reader could gain more information about these events. For example:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jedwabne_pogrom

More research on the topic might benefit your article. It appears that your facts and statistics are largely based on a sensationalized account written before the most recent international investigation of the event, which included excavation of the grave site and fresh interviews with surviving witnesses from every group, Jewish, German, and Polish. Many statements in your article, such as, "it is estimated that 1600 Jews, including women and children were murdered in hideous manners," and, "It has not been established as to whether the initiative for this unfounded attack was at the direction of the German’s," (incorrect position of possessive apostrophe in Germans, by the way) are actually incorrect based on more recent, in-depth research. The actual death toll in this town was approximately 340 Jewish civilians, and the German involvement and incitement of this incident had been established long before the book Neighbours was published in a criminal investigation in Germany. The German officer responsible for the incident was found guilty at trial and went to prison for the crime. To be honest, he deserved the death penalty, but that's beside the point. Even in Germany, the German role in this crime was well established. There have been three separate official investigations into the crime organized by different government bodies, and two different Polish Presidents have admitted responsibility for the crime on behalf of the nation and made official apologies at remembrance services in honor of the victims.

It would be nice, also, if you showed the flip side of the coin. For example, the only surviving Jewish family from this massacre was sheltered by the Wyrzykowski family, their Polish neighbors.

Final thaw-ts…

This is a really important article and one that deserves recognition. I just wish that you would use more references and include more of a "debate". Merely stating sensational facts does not make the crime more present and vivid in the reader's mind. Being open and honest about what we do and don't know about the event, and also exploring the complexity of human interrelatonships and racial hatred, would work better, imho.

Until next time… WRITE ON!

Best wishes,

B-B-Bobby, White Walker from Beyond the Wall

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#4345572

Review of The Clock Tower

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, Kotaro

!

I am B-B-Bobby, frozen zombie from beyond the wall, and I'm here to eat your flesh! to review your item as a loyal horde member of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" for the biggest Reviews War on WDC — "Game of Thrones"

What lured me to feast on your flesh read your item?

I was sniffing around for Steampunk tales to review, and stumbled upon yours.

What did I enjoy, other than the taste of your blood on my frozen lips?

I liked the detached emotion of Sanger at the moment he killed the boy. It's super creepy that he doesn't do it for pleasure or gain, but from a crazy, misplaced sense of doing his duty to ?God?

What grabbed me like a dragonstone barb?

The final scene when the poor kid was squashed in the cogs is what really grabbed me. I especially liked the mystical in the mundane comment that Sanger is good at cleaning up messes, implying that he's done this sort of thing many times before.

What made me stumble in the snow and say, “Arrrggghhhh, huh?”

In your opening paragraph, you don't name Sanger. Then when he is named at the start of paragraph two, I wasn't sure if he was the same person as paragraph one or a new character. Why not name him from the very first paragraph?

What could have given me greater pleasure than gnawing on your frostbitten extremities?

It would have been nice to have been given more of an insight into what these "voices" were that told Sanger what to do. Does he think that God is speaking to him? Perhaps you could even have Sanger replying aloud to the voices in his head in such a way that the reader can guess what the voices have said to him.

A few notes:

The horse drawn cart clattered to a halt on the cobble stone street. - good scene-setting, opening line, but cobblestone is a compound word.

“That’s a good boy” - requires a period after "boy"

“Mr. Sanger will you help me go home? - Whether the name of someone addressed in speech is at the beginning, middle, or end of a spoken sentence, it must be offset by a comma. So, here, you need a comma after "Sanger"

“There’s no way out up there. You’ll have to get pass me.” - either "You'll have to get past me." or "You'll have to pass me."

“You’re crazy. Mommy help!” - comma after "Mommy".

He was good at that he knew. - either re-order to "He knew he was good at that." or insert a comma, "He was good at that, he knew."

Final thaw-ts…

This was a super creepy story, and a great read. Thank you for sharing.

Until next time… WRITE ON!

Best wishes,

B-B-Bobby, White Walker from Beyond the Wall

Image #2087205 over display limit. -?-

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#4342814

Review of LOST

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello, Gray20046

!

I am B-B-Bobby, frozen zombie from beyond the wall, and I'm here to eat your flesh! to review your item as a loyal horde member of the White Walkers, sponsored by "The Witch's House" for the biggest Reviews War on WDC — "Game of Thrones"

What lured me to feast on your flesh read your item?

I was foraging in the "mystery" genre section and sniffed out your story.

What did I enjoy, other than the taste of your blood on my frozen lips?

I loved the scene where the first person narrator is walking along a hot, dusty road, lost in the middle of nowhere, because I thought he might die and be eaten by vultures.

What grabbed me like a dragonstone barb?

What really grabbed me was the moment that "I" got separated from his friend and then stumbled across a mystery passageway.

What made me stumble in the snow and say, “Arrrggghhhh, huh?”

Nothing was unclear in your story to me.

What could have given me greater pleasure than gnawing on your frostbitten extremities?

Your story is good, but it's told rather than shown and all clumped up into one massive paragraph. That doesn't make it easy to read or provide immersion for readers.

Consider doing at least seven things to improve your narrative:
1) Break it up into smaller paragraphs by topic, eg. a paragraph for getting to the market, one for looking around, one for getting separated from your friend etc.
2) Expand the paragraphs to bring in more setting and sensory information, such as the wares on sale in at least one of the stalls, preferably exotic and interesting to your reader, and ideally having interesting, non-American smells, like incense or specific herbs etc.
3) Introduce some dialogue, like between your friend and yourself. IDEALLY, use this dialogue to NAME the protagonist. It's much easier for a reader to care what happens to a person if they know their name. When a reader cares about the protagonist, they become more invested in the story, ie. they CARE whether the reader lives or dies.
4) On that road, SHOW the head, foreshadow possible death, eg. vultures circling, a horse skull on the side of the dusty path, pass a graveyard etc.
5) Add more menace by having local people in the bazaar glare at the protagonist, cats hiss, dogs growl etc.
6) Enhance the exotic through foreign sounds and names, like bazaar instead of market and mention passing a mosque rather that a church etc.
7) Vary sentence construction a lot more so that not so many sentences begin "I".

Final thaw-ts…

Potentially, this is an interesting story, but it will need a lot of work to extract the full potential from this bare-bones draft.

Until next time… WRITE ON!

Best wishes,

B-B-Bobby, White Walker from Beyond the Wall

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4335220

Review of Melia

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Hello Butterbean!

I'm here to review your short story "Melia"

as an official judge for "Invalid Item"

. Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?

It's cool that Melia has found a cave and has decided to explore. However, two things you should consider to improve the opening. 1) name Melia in the opening paragraph rather than having her being an unspecific "a" princess. 2) don't bother with the "quest" at this stage. It's too random, I feel, that this princess is looking for a quest and then suddenly finds one with no struggle at all. If she isn't looking for a quest, but then comes across one, it would be more plausible, I feel.

Characters — do they feel like real people?

It's easier for a reader to care about a protagonist if they know their name. You begin your story with "A Princess of the realm was walking", but this does not provide a name we can use. If you said, for example, "Princess Melia was walking" or maybe "Melia, Crown Princess of Wales was walking", then we have a name that we can attach to the person. It makes it easier for us as readers to care what happens to her. You use her name a lot later, but it would be better to bring it in asap in the story.

Think about ways in which you can make Melia a more sympathetic character. At the moment, she doesn't do anything "nice" that encourages the reader to like her. It's simply offered up to the reader that they should like her because she's a princess and the protagonist of this story. You need to show in what ways she is "nice" so that the reader will care what happens to her next. If she simply calls the guards cowards and doesn't care what happens to them, it doesn't make her look like all that great a person. To be honest, she's kinda painted as a spoilt rich kid right now who only cares about getting her own way and avoiding being punished. Her one redeeming quality is that she's exceedingly brave, though that courage comes across a little like stupidity at times.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?

The ending is cool. It's great that she's found a "quest", though, to be honest, it's not really clear what the quest is. Does she intend to kill the dragon? Will she tame it? Will she hunt it?

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?

Great pace.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?

Generally, this was clearly narrated. Here are a few notes for your consideration:

A Princess of the realm was walking - if "princess" is used as a common noun, it's a low case "p". If it is used in a name, however, it's a capital, so Princess Fiona or Princess Diana, for example. In your case, Princess Melia.

“Hello?” she sang, hands held up to her face to make her call louder, “Anyone home?” - in your tagline, you "tell" the reader why she uses her hands. Try to make it obvious and "show" it instead. For example, "Hello?" she sang, cupping her hands around her mouth like a megaphone. "Anybody home?"

"M’lady…” was all the guard - "Your Highness," - might be better.

He drew his sword slowly, body tensed, breath held, arms covered in Goosebumps. - low case "g" in goosebumps

“princess Melia.” - capital "P" when Princess is part of her name, as in Princess Melia.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?

The kingdom seems a tad small if she can walk from the palace to the borders of the kingdom in an hour or so. The inside of the cave is well sketched, but think a little more about the forest and the palace/castle would be nice.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?

You've gotta love stories about princesses and dragons.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.

I really loved the ending of this story. I particularly liked the middle part, where it's revealed that the dragon likes Melia. However, I feel that you need to do more to make the reader like Melia earlier on in the story. There's an old adage in story writing that the good guy walks into the story and pats the puppy, then the bad guy walks on and kicks it. That's how you can show very quickly who is good and who is bad. Now, I don't literally mean that you have to have a puppy in this story. I just mean that Princess Melia has to do something nice to other people or animals in the opening few paragraphs to SHOW the reader that she's a nice person. That's what's called creating a sympathetic character.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM

Simply Positive Review Forum

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#1384147 by Simply Positive

Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#4331967

Review of Chapter 0X--Toby's Tale

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hello Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈!

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.

Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?

The opening set the location, but it wasn't very exciting or interesting, imho.

Characters — are they well rounded?

Ginger is a great character, and a wonderful plot device to increase sympathy for Toby. It might be clearer if we knew that Ginger was female from the get go. Yes, I know that Ginger is a girl's name, but it's also commonly used as a nickname for ginger haired guys, so I had problems with immersion at first because I couldn't picture the scene not knowing if she was a guy or gal.

He'd washed his clothes and draped them over the only chair in the room to dry. - from Toby's development point of view, it might be nice if he washes both her and his clothes here. Makes him even more caring.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?

Lots of really good action in this chapter.

At least Toby was inside and safe for the night. - since Ginger is such a good friend, at this point I wondered why she doesn't let him stay here every night. From the description of the room, it doesn't sound as if this is a place she brings clients home to, so it took me out of the story a little that she on the one hand "cares for him" but on the other doesn't have him here every night.

It wasn't entirely clear why the pimp had suddenly decided to kill Ginger. I mean, yes he's a horrible thug who likes beating people up, but clearly homicide is a whole different level, and a business man like a pimp generally only commits crimes for profit. There's no profit in killing Ginger.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?

Wonderfully fast paced chapter.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?

Wonderfully shown chapter. Just three notes:

, and Toby squelched that scumbag whenever he showed up - I have no idea what this means either here or later

, even though she was gay and he knew she wanted him without him ever having to push her. - this part of the really long sentence completely baffled me. I'm not sure what you're trying to say here by "she wanted him". I mean, is it a typo? Do you mean "even though HE was gay"?

mixed with the foul odor body fluids that now leaked out of what was left of Ginger. - foul odor of bodily fluids? did you mean?

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?

Generally fantastic. However, I felt you could have better used the pimp's speech at the end to show why he'd decided to kill Ginger at this stage. Given that Ginger is clearly a profitable investment for him, it seems strange that he would suddenly decide to kill her at 1 am. I'm sure that there is a good reason, and maybe the things he says can better hint at the reason.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?

Really good use of sensory information.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?

There are multiple very interesting themes in this chapter, such as exploitation, drug abuse, child abuse etc. Wonderful.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.

A very violent and disturbing chapter, but well written and interesting. Great action.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#4330508

Review of The Music of the Moon-Cicadas

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Hello slowmotionsunset

This is a Newbies + Poetry Group Review

** Image ID #2123091 Unavailable **

What I liked

Your poem is original and contains many interesting visual images. You have a solid and consistent view of what the moon looks like within your verses.

What might need work

I personally couldn't grasp what you were attempting to communicate with your poem. I mean, I didn't get an emotional feeling as I read it. I wondered what the particular relevance of the Star Spangled Banner was. I mean, were you referring to the fact that the only flag ever raised on the moon was American, or were you trying to say something deeper? I just didn't get it.

Altogether they caper cross the Moon - across OR 'cross

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

The language use and images were great, but I'd like a clearer idea of what you were trying to say.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob

** Image ID #2123092 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

92

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14 days may be credited.

#4330498

Review of Chapter 02--Toby's Tale

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hello Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.

Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?

Although Tarak is an interesting character, the opening of the chapter isn't really that thrilling. We don't get a conflict or any kind of hook until paragraph five, when his supervisor mentions the speech. To be honest, the average person isn't interested about Tarak's issues with C++ programing.

Characters — are they well rounded?

I love Mikey. He's wonderful. I mean, he's just so sympathetic - trying to help Tarak when Tarak doesn't even understand that Mikey is doing that, and then his guilt at the end over his treatment of our chapter one mc. I love him.

Tarak is really interesting. Of course, I'm imagining him like Sheldon. You've done a great job of showing both his OCD and his inability to relate to people. It seems he has mild Aspergers, though I think they call it something else these days? Anyway, he's really well sketched and also an interesting and very sympathetic character. I particularly like his flaws, such as his judgemental attitude toward his supervisor eg. gays are okay if they need help.

The supervisor is also well sketched. Perfect characters.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?

Tarak doesn't have a guy. He looks down on homeless people. Hell, he looks down on everybody as his inferior. So, his conflict comes across loud and clear. Also, the mini conflict within this chapter of him presenting a review was great.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?

Opening was too slow, imho. However, once the talk subject was introduced, the pace became perfect.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?

Really great showing of the characters and conflict. However, in this first draft you really need to do some editing. It's obvious that you got excited and posted this before proper proof reading. Here's just a few points:

He straightened packets and centered his coffee cup on the desk while tried to push down his panic. - while trying/attempting to push

That's nothing like people learn - nothing like how people

He didn't cringe away, but it took an effort. - don't need the 'an'

What had he gotten himself into? Allah inshallah, this wouldn't be a disaster - In sha Allah means God willing, so Allah inshallah means God, God willing, if you catch my drift. Just in sha Allah, or insha'Allah

Sweat pock-marked the pits and sides of sports shirt, - of his sports shirt

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?

I love all the background stuff about Tarak's work with computers. The references to using this program in casinos and for Homeland Security helps people relate this to TV shows they've watched etc. The stuff about sweat on his clothes etc was also great. Overall, I love the setting.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?

Love the "what is a service for" kinda theme you've got going on here. A lot of services are more interested in checklists than actual people, and you really explore that in this chapter.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.

Except for the opening, I really love this chapter. Tarak is a great character.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

93

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4329867

Review of Chapter 01--Toby's Tale

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hello Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈!

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.

Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?

Hunger is a good opening conflict, and you've established the protagonist's name. Good.

Characters — are they well rounded?

Having read a few of your stories now, Toby was a tad stereotypical of your male leads, ie. young, skinny and muscular. However, his character was nicely rounded, with his interest in the library. I would, however, have preferred a hint as to WHAT in particular he likes at the library beyond the aircon and the bathroom, ie. what he enjoys reading when he gets the chance.

John wasn't as well described as he could have been physically, but adequately for an opening chapter, I feel.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?

Very clear to me. Toby has multiple conflicts to do with his family and survival, and also he has a latent power, whereas John has already mastered said power. Good.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?

Very fast paced.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?

Strong narrative. Only two small points:

Toby knew what please men like John. - pleased

"I don't know shit--" Toby stopped. - I'd use an ellipsis here, shit… because his voice would trail off rather than end abruptly like he'd been interrupted.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?

Generally great settings with sensory information brought in, though I'd like to know more about how the chicken smells/tastes to him and also more about what his "corner" looks like, personally. The meal, particularly. You made a deal about hunger being your initial conflict, but then when he's eating you show nothing about how wonderful it tastes to him, the warm, greasy chicken, the cold, sweet milkshake etc. More sensory information at that critical point, I feel.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?

Good opening themes of parental neglect and exploitation/lack of safety net in society.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.

I thought that this was a strong opening, but that there's scope to flesh it out a bit more. It's a bit brief at the moment, I feel.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

94

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4329385

Review of Many-Eyed

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Hello slowmotionsunset!

This is a Newbies + Poetry Group Review

** Image ID #2123091 Unavailable **

What I liked

This was really powerful and creepy at the same time. I totally get what you're trying to say, and you use some great images. I liked the single rhyme at the end that emphasised your conclusion.

What might need work

Here are a few notes:

You wrote: "From the acid used to wedge them out", but I was unclear how acid can "wedge" out an eye. It can certainly burn out an eye or destroy it, but to wedge something requires something solid that can pry the eyeball out of its socket.

This is potentionally good imagery: "And now hang with little eye-nooses threaded through". However, a noose would hang it without being pierced, ie. a noose is a loop around the neck of something, so it wouldn't be "threaded through".

"Not unlike their former hosts bodies strung up" - you need a possessive apostrophe on "hosts" here, ie. their former hosts' bodies

"Don't look to closely" - too, not to

"These Eyes that spy have stories to tell" - I wasn't clear why you capitalized "Eyes" here.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

I thought that this was a really powerful poem, but it needed a touch of editing to make it perfect. Beware small errors creeping into your verse that may potentially distract readers from the message you wish to communicate.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob

** Image ID #2123092 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

95

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14 days may be credited.

#4328829

Review of Tunnel

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Hello Commonwriter17!

I'm here to review your poem "Tunnel"

as an official judge for "Invalid Item"

. Thank you for entering!

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

What I liked

I do like the way that you run through the seasons and use them to strenghten the unfolding theme of being in a dark place (mentally speaking) and needing to get out, to climb back to the light.

What might need work

You've got a great idea growing here, but I feel that you need to develop it a bit more. For example, from autumn to winter you're using the changing season toward death and cold as a metaphor for falling into a dark place in your life. Sadly, this darkening is not reflected in the other words of the poem. The autumn and winter verses are near identical, and so do not show the kind of increasing darkness and increasing cold that would better show your emotional development, your fall. Also, it's good that you broke form in the final stanza to emphasise the change in mood, but don't throw in "junk DNA" to make up the space. By this I mean "but at the end of the road". Up until now, you've used a tunnel as your metaphor. Maybe this road is inside the tunnel, I don't know, but it quite simply is unnecessary and irrelevant. This line adds nothing to your poem and, in fact, detracts from it, imho.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

I love the use of changing seasons as a metaphor for the changing state of a person's mind, but you need to think more carefully about what details to include in each stanza in order to fully develop your theme.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM

Simply Positive Review Forum

(E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive

Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

96

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4328827

Review of The Terror of the Ocean

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Hello Redlive122!

I'm here to review your poem "The Terror of the Ocean"

as an official judge for "Invalid Item"

. Thank you for entering!

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

What I liked

I liked the flow of your poem and the nice rhymes you peppered throughout the verses. The theme is interesting. Who isn't interested in knowing what creatures might lurk in the deepest, darkest pits on our planet?

What might need work

I understand what you mean by "Nothing can survive there, nothing there is born." but it clashes with my thoughts in three ways: 1) if nothing is born there, where does this king beast come from? 2) it contradicts the opening stanza of this poem where "fish are all around", so clearly something DOES survive there 3) everybody knows there are mysterious animals deep under the sea that we've never cataogued, which is what makes it so fascinating. Anybody interested in the theme of your poem would actually know this, so I feel they would be similarly distracted by this statement.

In the line "Under the waters, where fish is all around" it should be "fish are all around" because ONE fish cannot be AROUND you, so you must mean fish plural.

In the line "The all mighty king" almighty is a compound word.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

Overall, I did enjoy your poem, but I felt you could have made it a bit darker and more scary. Beware inconsistencies.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM

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#1384147 by Simply Positive

Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

97

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4328813

Review of Poem: Fangirl

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Hello The Sterling Writer!

I'm here to review your poem {item: as an official judge for "Invalid Item"

. Thank you for entering!

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

What I liked

What a wonderfully original concept. I love the theme you're developing here, and you do it so well. You make good use of a non-traditional sonnet structure to put across your view. Kudos to you! My favourite line was: "My soul is what this show devours".

What might need work

Within the verses, you swap viewpoint from "I" to "you", from addressing yourself to addressing everybody else. I feel that if you keep to one viewpoint, ie. to always addressing youself, then the poem would read smoother.

Consider:
The storyline fills my mind
Characters fill my heart
This is truly a work of art
To all else I am blind

It also occurs to me that you could quite easily transform your unmetered verses into iambic tetrameter, should you so wish.

Consider:
The storyline has swamped my mind
The characters have filled my heart
This truly is a work of art
To evey other thing I'm blind

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

I really love what you've done within your sonnet. Great work.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM

Simply Positive Review Forum

(E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive

Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

98

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4328803

Review of High Altitude

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Hello Zynab!

I'm here to review your short story "High Altitude "

as an official judge for "Invalid Item"

. Thank you for entering!

Approaching this story, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable **

Hook — does your opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?

The "enroute to an execution" line is great because it implies something bad will happen. It's a good opening hook.

Characters — do they feel like real people?

I got a fairly good feeling for Sophie by the end of the story, but I could have done with a few more things.

First, it would have been nice if you could have got her name in right at the beginning, when she talks to the stewardess about her seat, and then repeat it several times. Using it only once and in the very middle of the story, it gets lost. You need to know somebody's name if you want to care about them.

Second, I have no idea what Sophie looks like or her approximate age. These factors make it difficult to visualise the scene.

Third, I'd like to know a little about Sophie beyond the basic plot, such as is she single, divorced, a student, an accountant, does she like baseball… anything really that isn't to do with her hating flying. It was cool that you showed she was Catholic, but I'd like much more depth. With the right combination of characteristics, you can change the whole tone of the story. For example, imagine if Sophie was a US marine, but afraid of flying. Wouldn't the idea of a marine who had a fear make this much more interesting?

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?

Although this was a nice sketch, it wasn't really much of a story in the sense of clear conflict and resolution. Yes, there was conflict because she's afraid of flying, but it wasn't something unique. Lots of people are afraid of flying, and for them this would be a familiar scene. You should really look for the mystical in the mundane, for a way to make this story unique rather than common place.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?

Pace was fine.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?

Generally, the narrative is clear. However, there are one or two issues:

please stow your carry-on luggage underneath the seat in front to you..." - in front of you - an ellipsis is not exactly the same as three periods in a row. To create an ellipsis, hold down the Alt key and then press 0133 then release the Alt key to produce… the … is shorter than the ... and so takes up less space

"69b," I mumbled hollowly and listened as if the basis of my life depended on it when she pointed out my seat. - you can cut "the basis of" without losing any meaning. Note that this is the second time within three paragraphs that you've used the "as if the" construction. Beware overusing particular constructions.

Hr had to be in the army, I concluded as I tried to settle myself too - He, not Hr - try to SHOW why she thinks he might be in the army. It's not obvious from what has been shown so far.

Captain's should have serious sturdy names like John, or Thomas or Peter. - Captains, not Captain's - comma before "like"

Then I heard 'Fasten your seatbelt line again'. - this confused me. Did you mean - Then I heard, "Fasten your seatbelt," again - or - Then I heard the "fasten your seatbelt" line again?

This would be my eight time in this large oppressive edifice, - eighth, not eight

and recited twenty-one thousand hail Mary's. - Marys, not Mary's

"We're not crashing, you psycho," He hissed. - psycho," he hissed - low case "h"

"Would you like some tea?" She asked again, softly. - she, low case "s". Also, why "again"? I don't remember her asking the protagonist if she wanted tea earlier.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?

The location is clear, but more sensory information would be nice, like the guy's aftershave, the taste of airline coffee, or maybe an alcoholic drink if she's so afraid.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?

Fears are a good theme to work with, but you need to be more extreme. If she'd got so scared in the air that she tried to hijack the airplane and force it to land… now, that would be extreme!

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.

Your writing is good and your story interesting, but I feel that your plot and character could be a little more exciting and unique than they are.

Thank you for entering this round of the contest. If you're still within your first six months of membership, I hope you'll enter this month's round, too!

If you haven't already joined a reviewing group, please consider becoming a member of Simply Positive.

FORUM

Simply Positive Review Forum

(E)
A group dedicated to spreading honesty and positivity.
#1384147 by Simply Positive

Good luck with the contest.

Best wishes,

Bob

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

99

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4326905

Review of Show, Don't Tell ...

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon!

It's me, again… B-B-Bobby! I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.

Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?

“I know, I know. Ethics is about truthfulness but where do you draw the line?“ - excellent opening hook, but comma before "but" here.

Having read to the end, I felt that this beginning is somewhat misleading and does not stand well in a second reading. I mean, the implication is that he has done something very wrong — something immoral that he should be ashamed of. In the end, it turns out that he has done nothing wrong at all. So why would he feel he was being "untruthful"?

It strikes me that you have a lot of words left to play with. I suggest that you somehow explain within your narrative in what way he has been untruthful. For example, has he been called into a meeting with the university executive and denied the existence of these photographs?

Characters — are they well rounded?

I love Jonathon as a character, but with so many words availlable, surely you can build him up a bit more. You haven't really brought in any details of his life that are beyond the plot.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?

Excellent plot. Love the resolution.

After the image is revealed, it might be nice to show a little more of the circumstances, Jonathon's thoughts or knowledge about where they got these images from. Little hints would be fine, like cursing himself for not closing the curtains in that hotel room when he and his boyfriend attended a conference in Las Vegas.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?

My feeling is that what you have so far is perfectly paced BUT you could really do with more explanation in the middle of the story to justify the ending, so at that point it's maybe too fast paced.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?

A few tiny issues:

A famous line from Bernard Shaw's play Man and Superman came to mind, - the play title needs to be in italics

“Surely whatever you’re looking at must be more interesting than anything I’m saying. - Jody might suggest a comma after "Surely" here.

In your lifetime, laws prohibiting interracial marriage were still a part of our legal system. - I just checked this.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-miscegenation_l...

It appears, from what I've read, that the law was changed in 1967. So, did you mean him to say "in my lifetime" here?

Are there absolutes and, if so, how do we find them?” - technically, there shouldn't be a speech mark at the end of a paragraph if the next paragraph begins with that same person speaking

; one’s that you will have to answer simply because you’re human. - ones, not one's

Jonathon retreated to the podium and began collecting his notes, placing them in his briefcase. He was startled, as he turned around, to see most of his students standing as they began applauding. - began is a bit of a stall word, and you use it twice within this section. Consider: Jonathon retreated to the podium and collected his notes, placing them in his briefcase. Turning, he was startled by what he saw. All the students were standing and facing him. They began to clap.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?

The university setting is great visually, but you could do with some sensory information. Perhaps he has a cool glass of water before speaking. Maybe he admires his assistant's new aftershave. Perhaps the lectern is really smooth, antique mahogany, and he strokes the polish as he ponders for a moment on how many famous men and women might have stood there befoe him.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?

Awesome theme on personal liberty and rights to freedom. Worth more than 5 stars, imho.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.

I really loved what you were trying to do here. My only concern was that the implication that Jonathon had done something wrong in the opening doesn't work well at all on second read through. It implies that there's something immoral about his choices, which is clearly not the case.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

100

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4323870

Review of Living Free With Chiropractic

Review by Christopher Roy...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Hello Dr. K

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your chapter.

What I liked.

What an awesome, inspirational piece. Your writing is concise and engaging. It kept me interested throughout. It's easy to understand why you love your professional field.

What I feel may need improvement.

At the point in your story where you begin working for a chiropractor in your youth, the chapter becomes a little rushed. The precise moment when your boss discovers you have a problem, the "confrontation" when she asks, "Do you have a problem?" could be shown, and the story would be a little more powerful then at that point. The treatment described, weaning you off e drugs, is nothing to do with chiropractic treatment to my uneducated eyes, and you don't include any mention of a unique treatment given by that doctor that was related to the chiropractic solution, if you catch my drift. Try to show the reader what specifically was different to traditional treatment in the method she used to cure you.

Overall, your account is rather "telling" in tone. If you want to make this more like a novel, consider "showing" more, which means describing specific scenes during your life's journey and presenting them with dialogue in such a way that readers can imagine being with you in that room at the time. "Showing" is better for engaging your readers and touching their emotions.

Conclusion.

Very inspirational writing, but I feel you should show more and create specific scenes from your life within the narrative.

Thank you for sharing your chapter with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item"

We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1873271 by Not Available.

Best wishes,

Bob

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .