Hi...
You put this out on scroll, so I'm giving it a look.
I see a few..'easy to fix'.. problems.
The story seems to have no resoultion, so I'm assuming it is chap 1 ??
I spotted 3 things...( things I used to do before getting 'hammered' by WDC reviewers)
1... repitition of names. Once named, normally your reader will know who 'he/she is.
2... "yuck" tag-lines. If you let your readers know who is 'about' to speak, and how they sound..(shouted..whispered.. ect) they can 'hear' the voice 'as' they read the line...[action before words]
3,,, action or words by one, and action or words by another on the same line. [ each time one acts or speaks, it is a new line]
>>> my opinion only<<
my comments in blue
>> The Wednesday before the trouble, Liam sat watching a film with his dad, Jimmy. Liam was eating a microwave chicken korma straight from the container. Jimmy was drinking. Their old collie, Buster, sat in front of Liam, ears pricked, eyes on the black plastic dish.
“Give him some,” said Jimmy.
have Jimmy do something [action] Jimmy waved a hand at Buster. "Give him some."
“It’s mine,” said Liam. He pushed at Buster with his foot.
now we know Liam will respond, and we know his name... also, sone 'ing' words bringe it mory 'real-time' not past tense. Pushing the dog away with hes foot, he muttered, "It's mine."
“What’s this, anyway?” asked Jimmy, waving his can vaguely at the portable TV
Ignoring his comment, Jimmy waved his can vaguely at the TV. "Wjat's this anyway?"
“If...” said Liam. “It’s a film.”
now we know Liam will answer, so no tag-line is necessary
“Is it?” said Jimmy. He took a swig from his can and shifted in his seat. “Give him some of your curry,” he said. Liam ignored him, keeping his eyes on the film. Between mouthfuls, his lips moved in time with his favourite lines.
delete 'said Jimmy.. and.. he said... we know who, and he's saying it.
NEW LINE 'Liam ignored him, ...
“Right,” said Jimmy. He pushed himself up and lunged at his son, grabbing for the dish with his free hand. Liam pulled back from him. The dish tipped; korma slithered onto Liam’s jeans. Buster leapt forward, snapped up a piece of fallen chicken.
delete 'said Jimmy'
NEW LINE Liam pulled back (from him is redundant)... onto 'his' jeans
“Great,” said Liam. no space between Liam's action and words, then 'said Liam' is unnecessary
“Teach you to share in future,” said Jimmy. He took another mouthful of lager and burped. “Get a cloth before it stains,” he said.tag-line... we know who's saying it
Muttering under his breath, Liam stalked to the kitchen. He took the cleanest cloth from the sink and wiped at his jeans, water seeping into the denim. They were ruined for tonight, he thought. Typical. He squashed the remains of his tea into the bin, crushing down the empty beer cans. Back in the lounge, he scrubbed at the carpet while his dad flicked between channels with the remote. Buster lay nearby, licking his muzzle.
no space.. no T-L
“That dog eats better than I do,” said Liam.
“You look like you’ve pissed yourself,” said Jimmy.action? Jimmy grinned. "Looks like..
On the Friday morning, Liam was in his room, staring moodily at his school shoe, and at the hole where Buster had chewed it. Liam looked outside; it was raining. He put his finger through the hole, as if to make sure it really did go all the way through. For a second he considered asking his dad for the money to buy a new pair. It didn’t seem likely. Not with the weekend coming up.
After a few moments’ thought, Liam hedropped the shoe, put on his Reebok Classics, and went to school. Tomorrow he’d use what money was left in his own account. So much for the Playstation, he thought. The idea made him smile. His dad would only have pawned it anyway.
The trainers weren’t a problem until Biology that afternoon. Mr Kelly singled him out the moment Liamhe walked into the classroom.
“Jones!” he said, “Those are white trainers.”tag-line .. you just told us Kelly singled him out
“Yes, sir, I know,” said Liam.tag-line He slung his bag onto a table and pulled out a seat. It scraped on the hard floor. Some of the other kids pushed passed him as they took their places. A few glanced his way, in case something interesting was happening.
“And are you allowed white trainers in school?” demanded Mr Kelly.
action before words[ Kelly pointed at the shoes demanding. "And are you...?".
“No, sir. It’s just for today. Sorry, sir.”
“Make sure it is. I dare say even your father can’t have spent his whole giro cheque this early,” said Mr Kelly.tag-line Liam’s face paled. He stared at the table in front of him, clutching at his bag.
NEW LINE.. Liam's face
“Afraid so.” Liam’His voice voice carried over the sudden silence in the classroom. “He spent it all on your wife last night.” Mr Kelly stood up.
“What did you say?” His voice was dangerously quiet.
NEW LINE Mr Kelly stood up. His voice was Dangerously quiet. "What did you say?"
“And you know what?” Liam pushed his chair back and stood up, locking eyes with the teacher. “He said she was well worth his last fifty quid.”
“Why you—get out!” Mr Kelly pointed, straight-armed, at the door, his hand shaking. “Get out of my classroom!”
Liam snatched at his bag and walked out, head up, looking straight at the door in front of him. Thirty pairs of eyes watched him go.
no space.. it's still Liam
“See you, kids,” said Liam, waving theatrically as he left. Mr Kelly shouted at him to wait.
N-L Mr Kelly shouted...
Outside, a large hand gripped his shoulder, fingers pressing against his collar bone. He tried to shrug it off. The hand gripped tighter. Hot breath assaulted his ear.
“The Head’s office,” said Mr Kelly. “Now.”T-L we know who is saying it
The Head watched Liamdelete Liam from across the walnut table, his fingers pressed together in a pyramid shape. Liam waited for him to say something. His chair was plastic, sharp, and uncomfortable, and the room was too hot. Liam’s upper legs itched, chafed by his cheap school pants.
“It’s settled then: two weeks’ suspension,” said the Head, “starting next Monday. I will inform your father.” He picked up the phone and rattled the file in front of him. “I can’t seem to find-“
T-L.. we know who's saying it
“We haven’t got a phone,” said Liam. The Head paused and looked at him for a moment. Liam looked back.
“Ah,” said the Head. T-L He took a fountain pen and started to write.
Liam sighed and looked out of the window into a little courtyard. There was a tree in the middle— Liamhe didn’t know what kind— with its leaves floating from the branches, settling into golden piles on the concrete. The tree was surrounded, trapped even, by the school’s cheap, flat-roofed buildings. It was bare of ivy, nests, or any other obvious signs of life.
“Here.” The Head’s voice brought Liam’s attention back into the room. He took the paper being held out to him. “There’s a reply slip on the bottom,” said the Head. “Make sure you return it tomorrow.”
have him take the slip at the start of the next line
“Yes, sir,” said Liam. T-L It was a relief to leave the office. LiamHe zipped up his coat and set off for his next class, hunched against the cold. He glanced back at the tree. All but a few leaves were fallen now.
Liam gave his dad the letter that evening. Jimmy sat in his chair, holding the page at arm’s length with one hand as he read, idly scratching Buster’s ears with the other. When he finished, Jimmy lowered the letter onto his lap.When he finished, ne lowered 'it' onto
no space.. no T-L
“Jesus,” he said. “What’s wrong with you?”
Liam didn’t answer. He was looking at the dog; at the collar around its neck. It was black leather, inlaid with copper studs. And it was new.
no space
“I can’t afford school shoes, but you can buy Buster a new collar?” he said.T-L
“You don’t need school shoes,” said Jimmy. T-L “Not for the next two weeks.”
“You spend money on a dog and let me buy my own shoes?” said Liam.T-L
“That’s not the point.”
“It bloody well is!” Liam was shouting now. “Ever since Mum died-“
“Don’t give me that!” snapped Jimmy. “Buster’s the only reason I’ve had for getting up every day since then. He deserves a collar.” He shook the letter at Liam. “Think you deserve anything?”
Liam turned away from Jimmyhim and wiped at his eyes. His whole body shook. He took a deep breath; staring at the wall, he said: “You were with the dog when you should’ve been with her.” He heard his dad get up, heard the footsteps coming towards him. He half turned round; the blow caught him on the cheek. LiamHe crashed against the wall and slid to the floor. new lineJimmy loomed over him.
no space.. no T-L
“Get out,” said Jimmy. “Get out of my house.”
Liam spent the night at Steve’s, nursing his face. Steve had been his best friend since primary school. His parents were used to having Liam over, and didn’t mention the black eye during breakfast. Steve’s mother bustled around the table while Steve and Liam sat down to eat their cornflakes. 'Steve had been' is 'telling'.. let this be in Liam's thoughts
Steve's mother bustled around the table as 'they' sat down to eat “I hear you’re going rabbitting today,”delete she said.and Liam nodded. “I’m not a fan of it myself. It all seems so cruel,” she continued, “but Steve and his dad both love it. At least they’re spending time together, a bit of father and son time. Oh.” She caught herself too late and looked anxiously at Liam.
“Mum,” said Steve.
“Right,” she said. She caught her hip on the table as she hurried from the room. Liam carried on eating his cereal.
After breakfast, they went up to Steve’s bedroom. Liam sat on a swivel chair, rifle in hand, while Steve changed into what he called his “hunting gear”: combat pants, khaki top, and deerstalker hat, like he was declaring war on the rabbits.
“That isn’t loaded, right?” asked Steve. Liam didn’t answer; just sat staring out the window.
N L.. Liam didn't
“You see your backyard from there?” asked Steve.T-L “You ready? We’ll be off soon.”
“Yeah,” said Liam. {c:blueT-L} He checked his watch. It was almost noon.
As Steve went downstairs to talk with his parents, Liamhe saw his own back door swing open. Buster bounded out and circled the yard, sniffing at everything. He reached the gate and cocked a leg. Liam swung the rifle so that it rested on the window. Below him, Buster started to pee. LiamHe watched himdelete him through the sight until another movement caught his eye. Jimmy was standing in the doorway, watching Buster, one of his roll-ups hanging from his mouth. Liam focused on him; the rifle pointed at Jimmy’shis chest.
Liam calmly shut one eye. He breathed out, squeezing the trigger. The rifle clicked.
suggest.. Calmly shutting one eye, he breathed out squeezing...
no space.. no T-L
“Bang,” he said. “You’re dead.”
Below, his dad went back inside. LiamHe leaned the rifle against the wall and went to find his friend.
as I said, thease are only 'my' suggestions
just bob... GPs to offset auto-rew
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