I noticed a few things...
repitition... overly long lines
I wouldn’t let myself feel these feelings.*
The feelings* I get when I let myself go.
The ones* that lead me to make bad choices and leave my heart unprotected.
The ones* who, without noticing, broke
If I may?
(The ones I get when...)(Those that lead me)(Others who, without..)
...repitition..again
( It was also teaming with Farrens, and if there were Farrens, there was Coco. Turning a corner, she smiled as she spotted her friend talking with a bunch of thugs.
"Can get you a good deal on id cards..." she heard Coco [heard 'him'] telling the five other Farrens as she walked up behind him.
"Who's the slag?" one of the larger Farrens asked. All five Farrens had darkened their colors)...[one of the larger 'ones' asked...all five^had darkened ]
(A sigh escaped Coco and his hand slid from her shoulder. "A shot off this rock if I can bring in a hundred cubits by the end of the day."
"And I just cost you half that." Dahgri frowned and shook her head. She knew how much Coco..['he'] wanted off Zalani Four. "I'm sorry, Coco.")
(Fine – I won't tell you want..['what'?] I saw then," Dag grumbled.)
( Coco growled..Dag grumbled..Coco laughed..Dahgri glared..Dahgri mumbled..Coco asked,)...with only 2 in the scene, just he/she after they are named..the reader knows who, and repitition of names gets annoying. With 3 or more, the speaker must be named..prefrably before they speak..ie..'Coco looked at them and growled, "...."'
Intresting opening...could be a good story.
Needs a stronger 'hook' at the end. Something to make a reader want to read on.
...repitition
( handed the older man..the older man glanced..yelled the older man )
(She hit the cubits key and stepped off the unit. The system began to countdown as the cubit dispenser spit out a handful of cubits into the tray. She grabbed the cubits and raced..Some of the cubits scattered )
The meaning of the poem is not clear, but it suggests something is not quite right...HS teach?? hope not.
The only suggestion would be, Cap. the starting lines.
Lines starting W/lower-case throw the reader off... never cause your reader to stop and think about it, just let the words flow.
Hey Sammy...cute story...you do know how to get your guys in trouble... Hummm now how are they gonna get out?
A few thoughts..
This seems to be a multi View-Point shift.
Not if we can help it,” Brit said, her face set in fiery determination. Sam’s heart jumped. ‘Since when has Brit gotten so serious? Or determined?’ Then it hit her. This truly meant life or death. And Sam and Brit had to get Julie out of this predicament or they would surely all die. It was exactly like The Note had said, it needed all three of their powers put together to survive.
(Not If I can help it) VP Brit
(Sam's heart jumped) VP Sam
(And Sam and Brit) VP ? in Sam's VP it would be 'she' and Brit.
The CAPS are distracting in a story. To emphisize a word or thought, just seperate it with a comma, or use elipses for a longer pause between words. ("I'm... not, going to do it."
Sam. Would you listen to yourself? Think about it. WHAT DO WE NEED TO SURVIVE? FOOD! We need food! We have no food and I’m starving. So what’re we gonna do?”
Sam’s forehead creased. “I was wondering the same thing, but when I did do the (close up this line)
feeling thing, I really wasn’t that tired. Maybe it counts as the same thing as long as you don’t let go of the feeling.”
Hey... This is great. The local sounds a bit like Medicine Creek, as it flowes out of Ft. Sill Okla.
(spent many days there as a 12 yr old boy)
(Well this has given the description...) Loved the way you explained this. At first I thought it was only an info-dump, but those words brought it into the story.
a few things...
repitition...
(flammable gas..shoots the gas..ignites the gas)
suggest...'the gland shoots 'it' out, and friction egnites 'it'.
(water hit the pool..sprays of water)
sug.. sent sprays into the air...
(water trickle of water) Hummm
(Age 30...'thirty' 10 foot...'ten feet'..always spell it out in a story.
Oh-my... Great story.
I did spot a few things..
(darkest of night..full moon shining brightly) ???
repitition...
(I was lifted..I was lifted..strong pair of arms..the strong arms..a strong muscular frame..the strong muscular frame..strong muscular frame)
Re-reading ch 1 to play catch-up, and not remembering what I commented on, I'll mention something I spotted before going on to ch 2
Sam was fuming now, trying to stay calm. “Listen. I don’t want to be here any more than you do. You think I’m happy about Mom and Dad? It’s not my fault I have to take care of YOU SPOILED BRAT!”
She lost it.( 1 )
Just then Brit cut in. “Guys! Really. Arguing is going to get us nowhere. Even you said so,” she said, gesturing towards Sam. ( 2 )
Sam sighed. “You’re right. Ya know you learn pretty fast Brit.”
Brit just shrugged. ( 3 )
“Listen, Julie. I’m sorry if I came a bit late, and if you hate the food, but there really isn’t that much we can eat.”
“I know. I’m sorry if I’ve been a bit... temperamental lately.”
Brit grinned. “You know, if it weren’t for the fact that we’re in the middle of the woods, this would be a nice moment.”
( 1 ) Suggest...trying to stay calm,'but she lost it'.
( 2 ) we know it's Brit, so 'she said' is unnecessary.
suggest...going to get us nowhere." Then gesturing towards Sam she went on, "Even you said so."
( 3 ) The double space denotes a View Point shift. The reader can guess it was Brit, but with 3 speaking it is best to clairify...Eliminating that D-S, puts it clearly in Brit's VP.
Chap-2
(Julie was the first to speak....Julie said in a state of panic.)better In a state of panic, Julie was..
(Brit nodded in agrement.) This would be a new line. Although she said nothing, it's still her VP.
(around 80 faherenheit)..eighty 'degrees' faher...
(July whined.)..try to put the action 'before' the words so we can 'hear' the whine, and know who is whining.
(As much as I hate whining) who said this?
(I just don't know how the note knew..) who said this?
Only the whining Julie was identified...with 3 speaking, the reader 'must' be told...better 'up front' than in a tag-line at the end.
(I'm 15)..fifteen..always spell it out.
Oh..and the CAPS...try to avoid that. To put emphases on a word, just seperate it. (..it was just an orange... freak? It could have...
Nice explanation of M-space...check out
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In one block this is a hard read...would suggest breaking it down...ie 2nd line..stop at (what we had)
Drop to the next line with..(Our journey)
Drop to new line..(I love you and miss...)
nl (You're the one I adore)
nl (I love the way...)
Also...lower case 'i's should be I
just bob
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As written, it's hard to tell who's speaking. As the writer, you know... we 'must' be told. It's even more important when Sam arrives.
I'm going to assume Brit was the first, and she was speaking to Julie...had to stop and figure it out...never cause your readers to stop and think. Let the story flow into their heads.
tag-lines (Julie cryed)...suggest
Julie looked at Sam and pleaded, "Then tell her..."
CAPS (THEY'RE GONE) You can emphasize a word with single quotes '..' or just pause before the words.
...get it through your head... they're 'gone'"
elipses ...(How can you-")
When someone is cut off in mid sentence.
.."How can you..."
Often it seems an outsider is injecting thoughts into this story.
(Hey, what can a little rain do?)
(That runed it all.)
(She lost it)
I'm not a big fan of double-spacing, but have been over-ruled by many on this site...you won't find many in my work.
( Something was different about 'this' day. The air tingled....)
repitition...
(His long..His skin..His body..His long..His kind heart )
suggest...
His long forhead was set with deep wrinkles, tanned from many years in the sun....
Although his body was bent from the years, his kind heart and crooked smile....
(no one 'knew' where he came from )
tag-lines...
(said Marks..said Dusty..said Leon)
Let your reader know 'up front' who is about to speak.
suggest...
Marks tapped his plate and joked, "Dusty, what are..."
Dusty flipped his long beard. "Were having...."
Leon piped up and said sarcasticly, "Well that sounds good...."
numbers... (2 hours..6000 years)
two hours...six-thousand.....always spell it out in a story. Numbers are fine in a report.
Just a few thoughts from bob
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Hi...
The start of what may be a good story...
My Thoughts
1st...I, and most editors, are not fond of 'prologs'.
Just make it part of chap-1.
2nd...repitition (Crystal) once named, just say 'she'.
(a 'dark hall'..down the 'dark hall')(people in 'the room..Scanning 'the room)
3rd...redundant wording
(dissappering from view)..we know he faded into the shadows.
("Please," 'she begged...we know she's begging, making it an unnecessary 'tag-line'
4th...things she wouldn't know.
(went into a 'small room?'...'locking' the door?)
Does she know the size? Did she 'hear' the lock?
consider...
Scanning 'it', 'she' spotted him entering a dark hallway. She followed, but lost him again when he entered one of the rooms. Reaching the door she heard the lock snick closed. All she could do was wait.
5th...tag-lines
(...", he said in a deadly whisper')(...", she responded in the same tone.)
consider...
Gritting his teath, he hissed, "..."
In the same tone she snapped, "..."
This way the reader can 'hear' their tone of voice, 'as' they read the words instead of finding out about it in a "yuck" tag-line.
Also suggest letting your reader know who it is she's following sooner...in the first few lines?.
You have a good 'hook'. Your reader 'must' read on to find out why.
Great work... 1st person is the hardest to write.. The 'I' cannot know what others are thinking or feeling. I found no spots where you slipped up on this.
However...
Repitition... distracting to the reader
( size of 'the lair'..of 'the lair'..'the lair was )
consider.. size of 'this one'..'it was daunting...
View-Point
( "No Lxi." = Azure's VP )
( It seemed too much in awe.. = Audre's VP )
( "I am the only one.." = Azure's VP)
these need to be on seperate lines...also..it's best to let your reader know who's speaking up front.
consider..
Azure spoke up. "No Lxi. I'm thje only one..."
new line
This surprised me. It seemed too much in awe...
( "Come closer." = Lxi's VP )
( Azure never showed fear.. = Audre's VP )
consider..
Raising a violet hand Lxi whispered, "Come closer," then placed it on Azure's forhead.
new line
I was proud..... It was a painfull...
Hope this helps....just bob
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Oh-my... the plot thickins. very good
a few thoughts...
Give her a name sooner. 'she' is fine, but the reader wants to know who 'she' is.
consider...
(jump suit with its gold stripes on the sholder, and (rank? Zeffa) printed over the breast pocket.)
repitition...
(to the bridge..outside the bridge..by the bridge door..into the bridge..the Bridge Officer..the Bridge Officer stood)
consider...
to her duty station..outside the door..The Officer on Deck..on which 'he' stood
[ (and feeling...guilty) ] no ( ) just a comma after Blushing,
tag-line...
Zeffa was courious. better...Courious 'she' asked, "Why...
View-Point...
"Our origional destination, though..." AI's VP
new line..'When the Salient stopped in mid thought' she could feel how worried..Zeffa's VP
Intresting and creative... makes the reader 'want' to find what led to her fate. ( ie.. nice hook )
A few points that I found.. (no technical things, just points that hit me as wrong?)
repitition...
( gas giant...red giant )
consider.. above 'its' turbulent red wind whipped clouds
(1000 ).. one thousand.. always spell it out.
( letters in an alien language ) alien to whome?
consider .. in the language of her creators
Hi...moving words...good...but
Sorry if I'm meddling...can't help it..it's just me.
some of your 2nd lines seem too long; it interupts the meter and flow. listing the 2nd lines 1--10 I suggest
deleting the following words.
1..just
2--with
3--the..the
4--(looses touch with what's important)
5--?? can't think of a way to change this
6--good..no change
7--too
8--(a friends happyness over her own)
9--?? no help
10--?? again no help
just bob..(go ahead and throw rocks at me)
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Hi... I found no tech. errors in this, and it seems to be the lead in to a good story....however
I, and sadly most editors, am not fond of prologues.
All the information here could be brought into the story later..when and only 'if' it's needed.
consider...next to last paragraph as the start of Chap.1
Have him 'read' some of the report, and remember 10 yrs ago when he was here...what did the girl look like?
What were his feelings at that time...and now?
This will 'hook' your reader, bringing them into the story right away without a prologue.
just a thought from bob
Very good... I would add to the he/she..said thing.
Nothing is more annoying to me than reading a loooong
segment of diolog, then spotting..(he said angrily).
Had we known his anger..before..reading his words, we could have 'heard' it as we read.
(Griting his teath, he hissed,"....)
Also...It is 'one' paragraph untill the subject or scene changes...get rid of the double-spaces.
(in Lary Niven's 'Ring World Throne', one discussion between several people lasted 4 pages...a new paragraph started only when one went outside to announce their decision.)
just a thought from bob
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Hi Jen.. probibly a hard thing to write about, but getting it out may help.
I noticed a few things...
( what it is that he did. )
suggest.. 'what he did, .. then lower case 's' so why..
3rd stanza...delete 'But' or happened',' then a lower case 'b' but
stanzas 4 & 5 ..because used 4 times.
suggest.. my cousin'.' then delete 'and because' in the next line.
( But I still hate ).. delete 'but'.
(...anything about it',') then lower case 'p' partially
last line.. delete.. 'But because'
better.. Inside we both know..
just bob
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I never could understand the unnecessary hatred..'fear'? of gays. Like it's something that could rub off, and contaminate others??
Not being burdened by a belief in some mythical entity, I view nature as just that. It happens..the religous nuts (some of whome are gay) should study, and accept.
just bob
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