Nice thoughts, but you have some punctuation problems..
caps, and lack of...examples
..."I love you"'.'
they..Cap T
....accept me','
Then..lc t
...give me hope'.' delete 'but'
...don't seem to understand'.'
Of what..lc o
(check for punct. in the rest of the lines)
...'one' more chance...always spell it out (you could delete 'please' to keep the line short, and keep the rhythem constant)
..we were thru..'true'
just bob..(go ahead and hammer me..."grinnn")
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Sad but true....well researched....however
If you read this over, you may be able to say the same things, convay the same message, without endless repitition.
Repitition is distracting to a reader and should be avoided when possible.
Some is needed to drive a point, but not the same words over and over.
just bob...( my great..great's were chucking arrows at the Mayflower....I am glad it was European not Spaniards. So. America didn't fare too well..ask any Inca or Mayan you happen to meet.
just bob
Good thoughts...never let 'um get 'ya down.
A few thoughts, and corrections...hope you don't mind.
1st line...'filled'. Think of another word; this avoides the repitition of filled. (used better in line 4)
line 2...you have 'taken'....from 'me', or my 'insides'
line 4..'feelings'
line 8...break at 'me' down, then make 'and tell me' the start of line 9
line 11..suggest
(You have stolen everything that is important in my life.)
line 23..'tear'
line 26..suggest.. , but you are comming down 'too'
line 28..(every name in the book) you said that in line 13..suggest..'you call me names'.
suggest breaking up long line...into 3 lines
(But after all you have done,
new line..and all you will do.
new line..I thank you.)
also long line...sugg.
(Thank you for making me feel ashamed,
NL..because I have learned.)
Last stanza...sugg. delete first 'because'...ie
(While you sit.....)
last line..sugg..delete 3rd 'because' and add 'just'.
(I am me and you are... just you.)
notice how the elipsis and just, demeans him farther?
as before..these are only suggestions..it's your poem.
(go ahead and throw rocks at me...grinnnnn)
just bob
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Nice sentiment...short, but to the point.
Suggest you start a new line with..(He would never answer...it is a new thought.
also suggest you add one word..(never answer his phone 'again'.
As written, you're saying 'you could call, but he would never answer...I'm sure you didn't mean that.
In the opening paragraph...
'fights...counts'
better...fought..counted
slip through pass the tiny gap
better... , passed...or delete pass
(slip through the tiny gap)
As hard as he could get about,..??
better 'as it was to get about, he really did wish this was a journey of a lifetime, not a mear 'ten' seconds. (delete the first 'journey..and spell out 'ten'.
just a thought from bob
And why did this not surprise me?? I could see the teck in your words.
As you stated, you don't have a lot of time to read, but I would love to have you check out my work..'also your wife'..an English teacher's input would be great.
If you're intrested, just drop me an E-mail. It will be necessary to add you to my anthology group for access to my latest.."Space Epic--untitled"
( I wrote Epic, the fate of one of ten ships, that leave Earth on a one-way trip to the stars. Then I invited nine other writers to do a story about another ship....that was over a year ogo, but so far only one 'incomplete' story has been posted..."sigh" )
just bob
Intresting story...a few things to look at.
comma placement...
( death takes you','when a voice called me back saying that....)
new lines needed..
( When I woke...)
( Nothing was familiar...)
( Of course I was freaked...)
repitition..
( two huge trees...under one of the trees..) 'under one of them'
( Of course he didn't answer..) 'He didn't answer for a minute...
( a pond in the center..approched the pond...wasen't an ordenary pond..) 'approached it'
mixed narritive...stay in 1st person
( attempted to pull her away ) 'pull me away'
( walked up to Mali and whispered,..) 'to me and whisp.
un-necessary wording...
( "We havn't spoken in..." [he replied as I cut him off]...we know he was replying, and the elipses tell us he was cut off.
just bob
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You need to introduce the players sooner...the reader dosen't know who 'he' is untill you do. Also try to avoid info-dumps...in describing the father, let Twenter 'see' him, and let the reader know who it is.
better...( As Twenter emerged from his ship, the unmistakable voice of his father hit him like a tone of bricks(cliche'..avoid if possible)
new line.."Twenter. You no good.....made now?"
new line..Without turning, the memory of his father flasahed across his mind. Fat, old,...and ugly; every word he uttered turned Twenter off.
you have mixed View-Points....
("Maybe. Word is...") fathers VP
(every thing he said turned Twenter off) T's VP
("Revenge won't get my job done..) fathers VP again.
each time the VP changes, it's a new line.
later in the story...
Introduce Sirons sooner. Save 'he' untill the reader knows who 'he' is.
better...Sirons gazed at the delicate features...
Sorry for the delay geting back to you...let me know when you have more.
just bob
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Very nice thoughts...a few suggestions
Mixed tenses...
What do 'you' do..3rd person
When 'I' wake...1st person
Them..They're....plural
sugg...him..he is
the line..(You try to stay...}
sugg...(I try to stay busy, and forget...)
the line..(To tell him...)
sugg...(To kiss him, and say I love you...)
As always, it's your poem, these are only my suggestions....go ahead and throw rocks at me.
just bob
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Good enough reason to walk away...nice poem
I wouldn't have used bold on the last line...a bit of a distraction...but it's your poem.
Harder to walk away when you do love, and are loved in return.
Sometimes life is just unfare.
just bob
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Intresting words...a bit confusing in spots.
suggest...( Yet traveling 'is' being on....)
.."...( With a revolver, one chance in 'six' 'you'll' kill 'yourself)
Even a poem needs punctuation...the placement of a comma makes a big difference...ie
(The brain would swell, from boredom it would break.)
(The brain would swell. From boardome, it would break.)
(The brain would swell from boardome; it would break.)
(From bordom, the brain would swell. It would break.)
just bob
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Hi...
Well written...a suggestion..
...the country way...,
...with contryside pursuits.
although 'in my opinion' you're logic is flawed, but you have the right to feel as you like...and it's your poem.
The only place we agree is...inflicted by a snare.
Hi...good story, so far,,,a few minor problems
View Point...Double-Spaces...
Save dbl-sp for paragraph sepertation..
VP...
( Commander, you really should...VP Andrei)
( One day soon...VP ?)
( Garrett was certian...VP Garrett)
( You might lose...VP Andrei)
To stay in Garrett's VP, try..Garrett heard the sweet voice..or Andrie's sweet voice...& delete 'Garrett knew' just say 'he' knew. Then finish the line with.He had to smile when she added, "you might lose..."
In Andrie's VP...delete ( Garrett was certain of that)
She wouldn't know that.
note...each time another speaks or acts, it's a new line.
( The silver and white Barmellow....)
This is an info-dump. Unless it's vital to the story, leave it out. You could have Garrett 'thinking' how ugly the ship was as he returns.
Also..you had him reach out to the 'cript'?? Did he know what it was? or was he just thinking it looked like one? possibly..to the 'monolith'
( A man who cared would have contacted 'buessnessmen'?)
possibly...would 'not' have...but that was the Captain thinking...would he have known??
(Switching to a direct com. mode 'he' sent an incripted message) he? who?? Garrett??
( The magnetic grips 'hold'...) holding?
You keep mentioning 'the cripts' this has not been established so far.
( Commander, are you ok?...appeared to be ok.) Okay!
As I said...good story...looking forward to more.
At times, during the action, it's a bit hard to follow what's happening to whome...read it over...you know, but you're not convaying it to the reader.
A well written article....however..your premise is flawed.
fact...there are more white tail deer in the US now, than when settlers arrived...proper management!!
fact...On Island Royal.(great lakes) Nat. Park...there is an over population of moose...hunting is not allowed...solution?? re-introduce WOLVES...let them pull down and start eating the moose..while it's still ALIVE...hunters would PAY for that priv.
fact...Yellowstone Nat. Park...over population of Elk..
solution?? use taxpayers money to hire 'profesional hunters, to shoot them and let the carcuses lay and rot. Hunters would gladly pay...and 'use' the meat.
fact...an island in the Mississipi River...(nat. park)
over pop. of Coos Deer...solution?? Let them eat everything on the island..then they'll starve themselves out. (of course the island will be runed, but that's better than letting 'nasty old hunters' pay for the priv. of taking them home for food...right??)
FACT...Hunting is NOT about killing...it's about being 'out there in the woods'..ie. a sport.
fact...Every thing I buy for 'my' sport, is taxed...not just state tax, but the Pit.Rob. tax, that goes directly to 'improving wildlife habatat'..that means for ALL animals..nature lovers don't have to pay a dime to enjoy the outdoors...we 'nasty old hunters' take care of it for them.
You make my yearning to visit Aussyland a burning desire...would love to go there...sample Perth's fav. bevrage..."grinnn", and go walkabout in the bush.
Did I mention, I found no errors in this piece?
With very few changes, you could sell it to the Austrlian Tourist Commission (or whatever you Aussys call it)...I think it is better than some of the ads I've seen
just (wistful) bob
Hi Sherri...
For this one..(because the last lines are 'I') I would suggest...
1st line..(mind of a dreamer.)
3rd line..(replace 'the' with my)
(my imagination, my sprit.)
don't forget the ( . )s...very important
just bob...will be back for more of your work later!!
Very good (but short) start...I found no errors and tha story grabbed me right away....would love to see more...( a very irritating trend on WDC is dbl-spacing in a conversation...thank you for NOT doing that)
E-mail me when you have more...okay??
DuraH...(an old Klingon)
This was a well written speach...I could find no flaws.
The only place that caused me to pause in my reading was,(....39 men-some famous, some not-teach us....)
notice how the EM dash joins the words..ie..not-teach.
Better would have been,(.....39 men...some famous, some not...teach us......) The elipses creat a longer pause than a mere comma, and adds drama to the statment.
DuraH....(a meddling Klingon)
I do hope this is not from real experience...One your age should not have to bear such a burden.
now...you lose the reader in the last stanza.
It's not clear who is doing what.
(His wife?)..(him 'on' the head?)
You started this with..(the things 'you' did)
I therefore assume you meant to say...
(Your wife did...you 'in' the head)
sending GPs to offset the auto-reward
Just bob
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