Hi Othniel. This seemes to be a well thought-out future. Run with it. Remember...avoid information dumps. Bring out these facts only when the story needs it...Asmov did it in Glactic Empire, with inserts. I use conversations.
Also...DO NOT violate the laws of physics...the physics police will get you...ie Reviewers like me.
Keep On Writing
DuraH
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Hi Coldarn. Good teck...should make an intresting story...run with it and let us see more.
DuraH
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Just be glad you don't live in So. California...Si? con caso? ( you want cheese?)
Mas granda (super size that mother)
I'm hungry...Is there anyone in there who speaks english? (Si habla Englase?)
I don't know what this is, but it's not what I ordered...I can't say it in Spanish.
Fi dollor...puerta uno porfavor ( Five dollors...first window please)
A typical exchange from the other side of the speaker.
We've stolen Cal. from the Mexicans...now they're taking it back.
Very good, Kotaro. Ichi bon.
One small mistake...LIED a kind of song Lie repose.
I would work on the opening a bit.
( it changed its trajectory...Changing its trajectory, it circled...)
( Trailing white smoke, it came in vary low...)
( Entering a park, it rolled over the grass, across a street, and came to rest in a garden.)
( The two girls...Two girls were sitting...)
Remember...It's your story. Tell it the way you want.
DuraH
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Hi Lawrence. Good tech. I'm sure you know what to do now.
Break this piece into sections...and make them chapters.
THEN START WRITING.....Before you know it, you'll have a BOOK.
Avoid technical info-dumps. A reader dosen't care how it works, only that it's intertaining.
( I have no idea how a radio works, but when I flip the switch, it rewards me with music.)
Keep On Writing.....DuraH
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A bit confusing. A twist at the end, should prompt the reader to think, A Ha. I've been had.
I assumed one thing, then ZAP, I found I was wrong. (usually accompanied by a chuckle)
This one did not....sorry
Remember. It's your story. tell it the way you want.
Keep On Writing.......DuraH
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A few missused words.
outside of the human galaxy?
that's a long--long way out.
( from a remote part of the galaxy, maybe?)
and the night only lingers in the arrival of a new sun?
( only wates for the arrival ??)
one 48 wd/sent. with two 'ands'
one 29 wd/sent.
Read aloud and adjust for clairity.
I find, Sci-Fi, as an excuse to write erotica, slightly distastful.
But that's only a personal feeling.
Keep on writing....DuraH (an old klingon)
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As in the other story, there are some punct. errors. (Not as many)
However...avoid repetitive words.
(...provide AMPLE COVER...to hide in, (and) AMPLE COVER for them to...)
( humanoid used 13 times in 6 paragra.)
Keep on writing...DuraH
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This piece has probibly been reviewed before, but I'll give you my thoughts anyway.
Except for some punctuation, or lack thereof, and a missed word or two; it's a good yarn.
good tecno, and humourous imiges of the 'Overlord's mimicking human jestures.
As to punct. you have one 50 wd/sentience, with one lonely comma.
( It unnearved Kael every time he heard....ref. to itsself as, "WE")
Keep on writing...DuraH
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Cute I found this on the review page...couldn't resist reading it
DuraH (an old Klingon...yea, I'm a Trekie)
You can find my work in the Sci-Fi section hint-hint
Keep on writing
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Picked this off your port. glad I did.
Perfict...except the last line. ( I laid down on the bed to. ) laid=placed to=for the perpose of.
lie=repose too=also
Recomend...( So I joined it on the bed, gently petting it, and letting its purrs lull me into...)
Keep on writing...DuraH
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Hi...(how quickly we get moved to the back pages) I'm assuming, you've been reviewed, and possibly
corrected the minor flaws in this story, (By the way; It's a good one.) but I'll give you my thoughts anyway.
Tense...stay in one. A statment later in the story tells me it's present. (out onto THIS deck)
recomend...( So space IS perfict for me.....I go out, look at the stars, and scream. We're not suposed to, but...
That's my prob. Ever since I CAN remember...I hoped university would be different. then I would be somebody,
and it seemed to be comming true.)
The statment I refered to before, should be moved, or isolated. You're describing astroid mining, then you switch to..
(Each night when everyone else was sleeping)
Recomend... ( Now, when everyone else is sleeping, I come out on this deck, look at the stars, and scream. I scream as loud as I can,
for as long as I can.)
Later in the story, when it should be past tense, you switch to present. (I go to the bar..., smiling at a pritty...)
Recomend...( So I went to the bar, ordered a beer, and smiled at a pritty...)
The rest of the story stays, comfortably, in past tense....When will we hear more? I fear something bad is going to happen to him, or her.
Keep on writing...DuraH
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found this on the review page...glad I did...good, descriptive writing
one thing I hate is, he said/she said...( growled Nanet...muttered Eno )
I would like to hear the growl 'as' she speaks, instead of re-thinking the sentance after it's said.
( Nanet looked up at the grey sky, and growled, "I wish..." Eno shook her head muttering, "Don't say...".)
this is only my personal bugaboo...tell the story the way you want.
keep on writing...DuraH
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I can't find anything wrong with this...even though I dislike time travel stories. (although I've written one...oh well)
DukeLeto? A Dune fan? Me too.
Check out my work...Space Epic untitled
Keep on writing...DuraH (an old Klingon )
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