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351 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of The Snake Scroll  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Overall Impression
Welcome to WDC! This is a very original story. You have great descriptions that pulled me in from the beginning. The cliffhanger ending of this makes me want more. I'm curious to find out if Minna is going to be okay and whether or not she can get the scroll back to the prophet. That pale creature was sure scary! Awesome job!

Other Comments
"Minna was only fifteen, much to young to be dating..." If this story takes place in an ancient time, I'm not sure if there would be dating. If I'm not mistaken, long ago, there were more arranged marriages and guys used to "court" the girls they liked. If you choose, you could reword it like, ",much too young to catch a man's eye," or something like that. Oh, and the to should be too

Again, this is a great start for this story. I wish you luck with the rest of this story and your other writing endeavors here at WDC! If you have any questions, feel free to let me know. Write on!!!

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by A Guest Visitor

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Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Overall Impression
Welcome to WDC! This is a very sweet and charming story. You've written it well with great descriptions and an original story line to back it up. I enjoyed reading this and you've described a very good lesson for everyone to learn. It's always important to let children know that beauty isn't everything and we must be thoughtful of how our actions effect others. I am quite partial to fantasy and happy endings.*Bigsmile* Good job!

Other Comments
Remember that when a new person speaks, it goes on a new line. The conversation between the sparrow and the moon should be separated so it's easier to follow who is saying what.

Again, great job with this. I wish you luck with your writing endeavors here at WDC! If you have any questions, feel free to let me know. Write on!!!

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by A Guest Visitor

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Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Overall Impression
Welcome to WDC! I found this in the "Read a Newbie" page and thought I would look this over for you. You've described the feelings really well. I'm curious as to what other problems Caroline is going to experience and how that will work into the plot of the story. I am a little confused at to what happened in the bathroom and why Levi tells Caroline to get help. I suppose that those questions will be answered in later chapters to this.

Other Comments
mout typo? do you mean mouth?
you have a he in that second paragraph that should be a she
The fourth sentence in the second paragraph is a little long. I think you should consider breaking it down by turning the first semi-colon into a period.
the were in "Not knowing if it were her tears..." I think should be was but don't quote me on that.
und = under?
int to = into
lynolium = linoleum
vaugly = vaguely
bega = began
unkowingly = unknowingly
sselp = help?
I think, to make this seem a little more professional, you might consider spelling out "and" instead of using the &, but that's up to you. You also might want to mention Caroline's name within the first couple of sentences, if not the first. It took me a moment to realize that Caroline was the main character. Also, when you're doing long pauses, the ellipses are three periods, you have a couple that are only two.

I wish you luck with this story and if you have any questions, feel free to let me know. I'll be glad to look over this again or your other chapters if you'd like. Write on!!!

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by A Guest Visitor

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Review of A Quest  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall Impression
Welcome to WDC! I found this in the "Read a Newbie" page and thought I would look it over for you. You describe the storm really well and I hope that the rest of this will be written with the same care. This little scene makes me curious as to why the children will be taken away. I feel bad for the Queen, I hope that things work out for her. Good job!

Other Comments
Remember that you need one or two spaces in between each sentence and whenever someone speaks, each comment needs its own line. So the conversation between the Queen and the man should be separated so it is easier to read and follow along with who is saying what.
I'm not quite sure if naught is the word you want in the sentence, "...born naught yesterday." Naught means nothing, but if I'm wrong, I apologize. You could do, "...born but yesterday." I think that's grammatically correct, if you're going for more of an archaic speech.

Again, great job with this prologue. I wish you luck with the rest of this story. If you have any questions, feel free to let me know. Write on!!!

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by A Guest Visitor

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Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Overall Impression
First of all, welcome to WDC! This is a very interesting poem and definitely a head scratcher. This could almost be under the Philosophy genre. This flows really nicely and I enjoyed the rhyme scheme. It's interesting to think that we could all ready be dead. Have you ever seen the movie Corpse Bride? The world of the living is dark and monotone, but the world of the dead is colorful and lively.

Other Comments
In the first line and the fourth line from the end, you have tick's, I'm not sure if you need the apostrophe, it doesn't seem possessive to me.
In the last line of the second to last stanza, you have Dont you need an apostrophe for Don't

Other than those couple of things, you have a very nice poem. I wish you luck with your writing endeavors. Write on!!!

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by A Guest Visitor

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Review of Chosen Path  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I really enjoyed reading this. The part at the alter reminded me a little bit of an Indiana Jones movie, with the snakes and a crazy robed guy. Your descriptions are stunning, especially about the shimmering floor. This kept me interested through the whole thing. The curiosity of what the elf was doing pulled me along because I had to know what was going to happen. I like how her train of thought switches after her pseudo-death, signifying that she has changed. I am curious, though, as to her motivation for seeking out the alter to enter into the service of the Dark Lord.

Great job! Write on!!!

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by A Guest Visitor

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Review of Timeless Memories  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Overall Impression
I am slightly saddened by this piece, but it is beautiful in its sadness. Your descriptions are very well written and I did not suspect the ending until very near the end. I was a little suspicious when the car drove up after seeing the sixteenth century dates, but it didn't hit me until later. I really like the beginning lines that also make an appearance at the end. I can't say enough good things about those two sentences, especially, "...dancing tendrils reeking of nameless fear." I don't know, it just pulls at me; it's great. The style of this piece flows really well and it made me curious as to the circumstances of the girl. I've listed below a couple of things I wasn't sure about. You did a great job with this.

Comments
*Bullet*The sentence, "Much good it did them, for the plague followed swiftly and now they are all lost somewhere, buried beneath stones that like as not do not even bear their names." feels a little run-on to me and I'm not quite sure I understand the part ...like as not do not even... Maybe it's just me.
*Bullet*You don't need the colon, just a comma at the part, "...caught a glimpse of me down the street," and I think since you've all ready ended the statement with an exclamation point, you don't need the comma after the quotations.

If you have any questions, feel free to let me know. Write on!!!

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by A Guest Visitor

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Review of Angel in Disguise  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This poem reminds me a little of your "Darkness" poem. Again, I enjoy the darker poems that talk about pain and deep emotions. I like how you use strong verbs to describe what's going on. In the second line, she didn't just take out the heart, she "ripped" it out. You've done a great job with portraying the pain of heartbreak. I also like the rhyme scheme and this poem flows really nicely.
Great job! Write on!!!


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by A Guest Visitor

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Review of Darkness  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this poem. I particularly like the darker poems that are full of emotion, like this one. The phrases you use portray the darkness really well. I especially like the first line, "I'm falling into a pit of despair," I think "despair" is one of my favorite words because it makes me think of pain and there aren't many words that can evoke such a strong emotional pull. Great job! Write on!!!


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by A Guest Visitor

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Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC! This is a very cute and charming story. Greta and Grady are very likable characters. I really enjoyed how you described the scenery and the pair of geese. It's obvious that you've done some research on geese, their mating habits, and clutch size. Good job at creating a story about a new couple and their first experiences of parenthood. The only thing, though, their life seems a little too perfect. I would almost like to see more of the challenges that they face, so that we can appreciate happy ending more, knowing of the hardships they conquered. I wish you luck in your writing endeavors.

Great job! Write on!!!


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by A Guest Visitor

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Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! This is a cute poem that reminds me of a game I used to play at school. Somebody would play the troll who sat under the bridge and he or she would capture people and take them under. You've done a good job at sticking to a rhyme scheme. I like your descriptions of the troll, how he smells, and how he likes to capture people. In the second stanza, the line, "Then under bridge he'll take you go." It seems to follow the syllabic rhythm, but it doesn't quite make sense, for me. I'm not sure how difficult it would be to reword, but it's just a suggestion. If you have any questions, feel free to let me know. *Smile*

Good job! Write on!!!


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by A Guest Visitor

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Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: E | (5.0)
Welcome to WDC! This is really cute. I like it when authors put a twist on a classic story that everybody knows. I also like how you've put it in the perspective of the wolf and changed the story to accommodate a little common sense. I couldn't see any spelling or grammatical errors, so good for you! The style of this story is very charming and I really enjoyed reading it, especially the ending. I wish you luck in your writing endeavors. Great job! Write on!!!


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by A Guest Visitor

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Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
I want to firstly welcome you to WDC. Please don't be discouraged by the 1 star. This little scene could be very powerful and passionate, but several misspelled words are distracting. The words in violet are what you have, and I've put in blue what I think you mean.
desteny=destiny?
pomb=palm?
torge=toward?
sudenly=suddenly
stud=stood?
breth=breath?
shold=should?
layed=lay
spudered=sputtered
two=in this sense you need too
worm=warm
minnets=minutes
soffed=soft
gigled=giggled
entirer=entire
stoped=stopped
I'm not quite sure what hymen is.

Again, please don't be discouraged. I just wanted to correct the misspellings. I also noticed a few sentences that didn't start with a capital letter. Also, whenever somebody says something, it needs to have quotation marks around it and it needs to start on a whole new line. As well, all punctuation marks need to be inside the ending quotations.

I think it also might help this scene if there was a story around it. As of right now, I'm not sure how it fits into the Fantasy genre. What's so secret about the secret place? Is it difficult to get to? Are they even allowed there? These are the things that make up a good story. It needs to have more than one intimate scene. I hope that this hasn't been too harsh. If you have any questions about anything, please feel free to let me know. Keep writing! You'll only get better with practice.


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by A Guest Visitor

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Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I have a lot of suggestions and tips for this, so I hope that amount does not discourage you. This piece has potential, but it needs a little TLC.

I think this story might benefit if the main character has a name. That way, the reader is able to connect with the main character. The first sentence should pull the reader in and give us a little information. Your first sentence is "This girl is getting ready to leave her home." Who is the girl and where is she going? Is she afraid or is she just running a normal errand? The beginning of a story gives the reader a hint into the plot or the problems that the main character faces.

I think the second sentence could be two or three. It might be more effective if the second sentence is just, "She gets in her car and turns the engine on." Sometimes shorter sentences can give a feeling of urgency. The rest of that sentence is a little confusing. "...she stares straight out of the window and starts the strange thoughts of things happening and thoughts of things that might be happening." This needs to be clarified a little bit. You mention several thoughts later on, but I'm not sure what her motivation is for these thoughts.

The third sentence needs an extra word. It says "...snap out it..." so I think you need an "of" in between "out" and "it."

Reverse and reverses is a little repetitive. You could try "reverse and backs the car out..."

If she turns her head both ways, you don't need to say "to the right and to the left..." as well. By saying "both ways" it implies to the left and right.

"There is no cars..." is should be are

"She hires the volume" I'm not sure what hires is. Should it possibly be turns?

Why are these strange thoughts coming to her head? I think if the reader knows more about the main character and her past, it might help the reader understand her more. A little further on you have "...and thinks tha maybe she is going to crash..." I think tha may be a typo. This sentence also needs a little clarification. Especially the "crash, hit a car, flips over, she makes a phone call, they show up, and she ends up dead at sight," part. There's a lot of information there but it's a little hard to understand. I think if you describe her feelings a little more, it might help. By listing the feelings, it leaves me a little detached from the main character; I don't quite feel connected enough with her.

The sentence "Her phone rings and she answers it is her mother." needs another punctuation mark, whether it be a comma or just making this sentence into two. So, it could be "Her phone rings and she answers. It is her mother." Remember that whenever you start a conversation, each new person's comment needs to be on a different line. When you keep all the conversation in the same paragraph, it's difficult to tell who is talking. I think in this conversation with her mother, there are some missing quotations and the punctuation marks ending the sentence always go inside the quotation marks. There's also an extra uppercase letter in "THen" the fourth sentence from the end.

I hope that these suggestions are helpful and aren't too harsh that they deter you from continuing with this story. This just needs a little help with the sentence structure. Another thing that I do is make the thoughts italicized by putting {i}before what you want to italicize and {/c} at the end. So instead of listing the thoughts, you could italicize them and that might give the feel that the reader is in the car with her and watching these thoughts roll through her head. I think that the reader just needs a little help with connecting to the main character so we can understand and feel any pain or sadness that she's feeling, and more descriptions will help with that. As it is, I'm not quite sure why the main character is out driving and where she was going in unclear. I think mentioning a little more about her mom might help too. Does she know why her mother called? Does her mother have any reason to be worried? Was she going somewhere else but change her mind after the call from her mom?

Please feel free to email me again if you want me to clarify some of my comments or if you would like more help. Write on!!!
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Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thus far, I read the first two chapters. It's a very interesting start to the continuation of "The Book." One thing though, you might consider assembling the chapters in book form instead of adding each to this one item. It can be a little overwhelming to have all of the chapters together and you can get individual feedback for each chapter if they're separate. In book form they're all together and it can be easier to go through and easier for the reader to stop at a chapter and come to the next one when they return. Just a suggestion though.

The situation and the characters all seem very real, you've done a good job at describing them. The story flows very nicely and you've kept me interested in what happens. Damien is quite a character, I wonder what is going to happen to him. Great job!

Write on!!!
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Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Apriori Adlucem

The Good Stuff
You've described the setting very well. I think there's a good base here for an interesting story. It makes me wonder what's going to happen and what Samuel is going to wish for.

Suggestions
*Bullet*I noticed a couple technical correction, just for future reference
barron should be barren
It's should be Its for this usage, you need the possessive form "It's" is short for "It is"
through should be threw
*Bullet*Remember to watch your tenses. The first paragraph before the dialogue seems to be in a different tense than what comes after it. For instance, in the last line, you have shouted and then crinkling, those are different tenses. So they'll need to either both end in 'ed' or 'ing.'


Good luck with getting this story together! If you have any questions, feel free to email me.

*Star* I'm playing in the WATER BALLOON RELAY with THE TALENT POND! *Star*

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Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Genevieve J Cotterman

The Good Stuff
This is a really nice poem. You did a really good job describing the scene without using the words "hot sidewalk." I really like your first line, "It feels like home. It feels like youth." It makes me think back to when I was a kid when we played outside in the summer. We mostly played in the sprinklers. The poem flows really nicely and has a light feeling to it. You did a good job sticking to a rhyme scheme.

Suggestions
*Bullet*I can't think of anything to change!!

Great job!! Write on!!!



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Review of To Embark  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Bananafish !
Suggestions
*Bullet*Last sentence in first paragraph, you end with "surrounded by towering pines on all sides." I don't think you need the "on all sides." The "surrounded" can all ready give the impression that the trees are everywhere.
*Bullet*I'm a little confused as to why he threw G.I. Joe into the lake. Is it that the reader is supposed to surmise that he is leaving the past behind? I don't think you need to really add more to the story, I was just curious.
*Bullet*I think the reader might be able to connect more with the narrator if we had his name. Is this something that happened to you? You could just have some passing thing where his grandpa calls out to him or something, telling him not to be out too late.

These are just suggestions, you can take them any way you want and use them as you see fit. *Smile*

The Good Stuff
You have amazing descriptions, I can see the landscape as he's walking down the lawn to the forest. You describe well the feelings he has about times gone by and what he thinks of his friends all going away. Great job!

Write on!!!


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Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Carol St.Ann ! I found this incredibly hilarious. It is a rare and glorious thing to find someone good at customer serive. When I read this over the first time, I wasn't even paying attention to spelling! I had to read it over again to make sure I didn't miss anything; which I didn't. I couldn't find any spelling or grammatical errors in this, not that it matters since it wouldn't deter the humorousness (is that even a word?) of this piece. I loved the last line of the partial of the song Oh drat! 'S a flat! Left front. Driver side! Hilarious! I also liked how you described Jessica as being "pleasant as a cool fresh breeze." You don't get too many people like that these days.

Write on!!!


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Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey phoenix , I see you're new to WDC. Welcome! This poem flows very nicely. As I read it, I felt a natural flow in the words in the number of syllables that you use. Can I suggest a couple things, though? In the third stanza, first line, I think it would sound better if will was would "The world would be so dull a place." In the third stanza, last line, I believe Where ever is one word Wherever. These are only suggestions, so it's up to you. You've got a good poem here, it is indeed inspirational. Good job! Write on!!!

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Review of The "Blue" Dragon  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC and good luck in the contest. I'm entering too, so I think I'm going to have a bit of competition. I like how you've described the dragon, and I found the twist at the end very funny. I found no grammatical or spelling errors. I think, though, in the sentence, In startled amazement the dragon let out a raucous belch, which can be expected when your diet consists solely of lima beans. It might need a comma after amazement, and the comma after belch might need to be a semi-colon. I'm not sure though, so if I'm incorrect, I apologize. You've got a nice little dragon here, good job!
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Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Carol St.Ann , this is a really funny story, and yet, at the same time, terribly tragic for the house and Bette. Are these true stories? Steve sounds a little bit like my dad. He wants to help out around the house, but he's not exactly as handy as he thinks he is. I found one grammatical error in the sixth paragraph, "Steve and I" in the sentence "...motioned for Steve and I to step inside." I should be me. Other than that, I really enjoyed this story. Your descriptions help me to see everything that's happening. Awesome job! Write on!!!

*Star* I'm playing SNOWBALL TAG with THE TALENT POND! *Star*
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Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
HI Dizzying , this is a very passionate story. I'm glad to give this a review for you. I think it might be a little too passionate for the ASR rating, it might be more appropriate if you change it to 13+. That being said, I still enjoyed the story. Your descriptions are emotional and effective. In the second paragraph you have "Too many too count" the second too should be to. And near the end, there's a stray period that is all by itself in the fifth line from the bottom. Other than that, I don't see anything wrong with it, great story! Write on!!!

*Star* I'm playing SNOWBALL TAG with THE TALENT POND! *Star*


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Review of Kid Politics  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Raven Filling Up Her Port! , I thought this was hilarious. I like how you compared the children and their mothers to locusts. Did this actually happen to you? I think your metaphors (that's what you call them, right?) are extremely clever and knee-slap funny. This situation is sort of a "My Dad is better than your Dad" only with mothers and their children. I didn't see any grammatical or spelling errors. Great job! Write on!!!

*Star* I'm playing SNOWBALL TAG with THE TALENT POND! *Star*
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Review of Snow Fairy  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi saylorgirl, this is a really cute and charming story. Holly reminds me of me when I was a kid. I used to love the snow, but as we get older we tend to become less observant of the beauties in the world. I still like to watch the snow from the inside, but not to drive in it. *Smile* I didn't see any grammatical or spelling errors. You have great descriptions. It's cute that Holly wanted to keep the fairy for herself, (I would have too) but at least she got to spend time with the fairy and she knows that Nissa is out there. Awesome job, write on!!!

*Star* I'm playing SNOWBALL TAG with THE TALENT POND! *Star*
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