Hello again!
I don't remember exactly when I noted this title...perhaps it was highlighted in your signature or appeared as an editor's pick. Usually I keep better track of these things. I opened it in a tab on my laptop, along with a few others, and left it open there until I could get to it. This is what brought me to your work.
The hook - -
Your first two lines are very magnetic. Their content and the element of repetition combined to draw me in.
I think that the description itself also served as part of the hook. I have no idea why, but I've always been a bit fascinated with the story of the Andes crash, the book, and the movie "Alive". I think I was getting images from their crash in those initial moments.
Dialogue - -
Well done!
For example:
“Mandy!” He started jogging, then running back down the trail, yelling her name. “Mandy! Where are you?” Oh my God, no! “Mandy!”
Your punctuation is correctly placed, and your use of italics clearly brings the reader along in the scene where he is calling out sometimes and thoughts are also running through his mind. I don't see this very often. Nice to see it done well so the message is clear!
Character Development - -
Well done - - natural inclusion of some details when the two characters introduce themselves to each other but without bogging the story down with info drops or excessive less pertinent info (something I think I need to work on)
Scenery / Setting - -
Nice jungle descriptions to accentuate their quandary.
Inclusions such as "some kind of bamboo hut" and "until she was against the wall of the hut" also detail the mind movie you're painting in my mind.
Imagery, Mandy's body positioning, all of these important details contribute to a vivid and clear setting!
Plot - -
Compelling!
Mechanics/Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling/Etc. - -
I like how you separate the sections of the stories with the three little "squiggles" (should be able to come up with the name....). I have bounded around with extra spacing, a few centered dashes, etc., but I really like the look of this as it really works for this reader!
"...A little further down the trail" - should be farther + add a comma?
"His heartbeat started racing, panic flooded his mind." - use a comma in this compound sentence to divide the two segments
"a 4 inch dart" hyphenate "4-inch"
Why am I hearing drums, Mandy wondered. - A question mark should replace the comma. Great use of italics though!
KUDOS - We could have used that to keep the fire going! Why didn’t I think of that? Why didn’t Eddie think of that? - I loved how you used italics for the internal monologue, then used a standard "I" and "Eddie" for the emphasis which is usually italicized. So many don't used these wonderful options grammar and mechanics offer us! (I know, I sound like a weird grammar Nazi....)
"...keeling down..." - I believe you meant "kneeling"
For the most part, your use of commas, especially combining to complete clauses into compound sentences is much stronger than others' works I read. As I read on though, I noticed several spots where the use of a comma would be appropriate and would more clearly communicate the intended message. (introductory phrases/clauses, etc.)
Figurative Language / Imagery - -
The imagery is helpful in the initial paragraphs. I like that you include sound "screams" (too often overlooked by writers in my opinion) and the description of the burning engines.
Then you followed it up with silence and hissing...nice!
'... the smell of jet fuel " - few include smells too! Well done!
Most effective/favorite passage(s) - -
"...looked around at the carnage. Broken, bloody bodies were strewn about..."
'...the dense canopy filtered out most of the light, sans the 100 yard stretch where the 707 had burst through it..."
"...the sounds of the Amazon rainforest began their nightly haunting ritual, getting louder and louder to the point where they were almost deafening."
Ominous! - "...the feeling of being watched by unseen eyes never felt stronger..."
"...The rainforest was unforgiving..."
"...the crackling of the fire..."
"Eddie wasn’t all there, but his head was firmly speared on top of a stake." - - WOW!!
Great, effective word choice:
"carnage" - "strewn about" -
"dark crimson color" - very descriptive
"Whuh?" - clearly describes her condition - I'm often wondering how to best incorporate "Nope", "Nuh", "Uh huh" (or its opposite... what do we use for that?!?), "Ugh", etc.
"canopy" - "sans" - "burst" - "solemn" - "haunting" - "deafening" - "crackling" -
Room for Improvement - -
4 - I believe '"blonde haired" should be hyphenated. Also, it looks like you omitted the word "he" in one sentence here.
"Neither one of them was hungry..." - parallel structure
awkward wording - "...not with God-knew-what creatures might be lurking in the trees..."
see earlier comment about addition of commas which enhance communication/comprehension
Final thoughts - -
Those last two lines are gripping!
"And that’s when she saw Eddie staring at her in the shadows, and a blood-curdling scream echoed through the jungle.
Eddie wasn’t all there, but his head was firmly speared on top of a stake."
I was trying to put the pieces together wondering if he'd be honored also, but doubting it. Wondering at first, just for an instant, if he was alone peering in at the scene, then I read on. What a surprise! No wonder she cried out! Not an expiated closing, but that's what makes so may stories fun!
His head on the stick became an instant, vivid image in my mind...as did the echoes of the scream!
You know, it's so fun and satisfying to pick up on an author's foreshadowing and be able to put pieces together before they're revealed, but it is also equally satisfying when the author pulls one over on you and truly surprises you...me...at least in my own little mind.
Keep writing!
Ruth Rodgers
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