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Review Requests: OFF
191 Public Reviews Given
192 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
very detailed reviews
I'm good at...
very detailed reviews - - addressing grammar, mechanics, figurative language & figures of speech, organization, punctuation, etc.
Favorite Genres
historical fiction - - flash fiction - - poetry - - adventure/action - - mystery - - non-fiction - - young adult fiction - - children's literature - - realistic fiction
Least Favorite Genres
(extremely graphic horror)
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of Love's Touch  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello!

Keep in mind, I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. At the end of the day, do what you feel is right for your writing! Any suggestion I make is done with love and a desire to simply help you become the best writer you can be.

Being relatively new to WdC, I have recently come across the Newbies+ Poetry Review Group and hadn't reviewed for awhile. I came across your poem in the "Read & Review" section. This is what brought me to your work.

There are many strengths wrapped up in this brief piece. I hope I can do it justice.

Introductory Lines/Stanza -- Hook:
The first stanza effectively drew me in.
The rhythm is consistent, strong, and musical.
You make the situation and the setting very clear and realistic.
With the ages in my relationship hitting the later 50s and 60s, and with parents in their 80s and 90s, I went directly to the thought of one sleeping and waking up alone, still longing for their love. I would feel so old if my life-love was gone and all of life would be cold as you described it.

Rhythm / Format / Rhyme Scheme / Meter / Poetic Traits - -
In just the first few stanzas, I found myself really enjoying your pacing, rhythm, rhyme scheme, and musicality.
You kept this up so well, and it moved along musically. These were strengths!

Imagery / Figurative Language / Etc. - -
Stanza 1, Line 1 - for me the feeling of sleeping in a loved one's arms was a strong and cherished tactile sense
S1, L3 - the chill in the kitchen could be felt here at my laptop
S2, L3 - the MC wearing the coat and glove also felt tactile and brought back a fond & sad memory of a friend's mom sleeping in her dad's pajamas long after his untimely passing
S3, L2 - I know that the light from the beacon is meant not to be literal but to be in another realm, but the image is strong in the picture in my mind as I read

Room for improvement - -
So many strengths!
The only part I struggled with was the rhythm of the last line. I re-read it several times, and at least for the rhythm I'm interpreting, there's an extra syllable perhaps.
Just a minor, minor note, and it might be me.

Thank you for sharing this piece. This obviously comes from the heart, and it touches similar experiences/memories/places for your readers also.

Well done!

Ruth Rodgers

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52
52
Review of Stocking Stuffer  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello again!

Keep in mind, I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. At the end of the day, do what you feel is right for your writing! Any suggestion I make is done with love and a desire to simply help you become the best writer you can be.

This is a pleasing and enjoyable piece. I found it while scrolling through "Review & Read" this evening. I am part of the "Newbies & Poetry Group" and haven't had time to do much reviewing lately so I thought I'd take advantage of some time this evening.

Introductory Lines/Stanza -- Hook:
Right from the start, I felt an intrigue about what might have happened to the stockings. This yet-to-be-solved mystery hooked me and kept me reading.

Rhythm / Format / Rhyme Scheme / Meter / Poetic Traits - -
I found myself really enjoying your pacing, rhythm, rhyme scheme, and musicality in most sections, but I stumbled a bit on the rhythm and pacing at a few points. If you were to submit this to a contest or something like that, you might want to read it aloud or have someone else read it aloud to you.

Imagery / Figurative Language / Etc. - -
These often create the most compelling portions in poetic writing!
Stanza 2:
         fun alliteration: "the silver is safe in the sideboard"
Stanza 4:
fun imagery and simile! = "on the roof a faint clatter" . . . "mad as a hatter"

Examples of Favorite Phrases and Word Choice - -
Stanza 3 - I enjoyed your section about whether to tell the police and imagining them rolling on the floor
Stanza 4 - the sound imagery here was fun and I love the "mad as a hatter" reference

Resolution - -
Very satisfying! I enjoyed the fact that Santa is the one who thad them and even more that the purpose was to make them bigger to hold more presents! The end was great!

Room for improvement - -
The images and rhyme scheme are strong.
I would just suggest some minor syllable adjustment for the meter/pacing.

Thank you for sharing this piece. It shows the fun in Christmas and an interesting difficulty/mystery.

Well done!

Ruth Rodgers

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53
53
for entry "The Last Vestige
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello!

This is a beautiful piece!

I didn't get my entry in before the deadline, but was still curious about what others may have created. This is what brought me to your work.

Imagery - -
The imagery in this very short piece is very effective and very vivid. In mine, I went with a topic other than Nature, making yours very enjoyable. This is true of the first line, the combined second and third lines, and the wonderful resolution in the last line.

Figurative Language - -
Metaphor - I greatly enjoyed the reference to the blanket. The last line, with the starry sky as a stage, was equally beautiful in my mind's eye.

Word Choice - -
I thought that the word choice of "eventide" was calming, vivid, and creative.

While I like to play with and submit these super short items, I typically don't review them. The limited content and literary elements rarely give enough to warrant feedback beyond the little "nice piece" comments we all sometimes get.

Your creation here was more vivid and quite pleasing, so I wanted to reach out.

Great job! Keep writing! And congrats! *ConfettiR* *ConfettiB*
Ruth R. *Fleurdelis* *Quill*


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54
54
Review of The Fairy's Hovel  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!
I'm participating today in the Super Power Reviewers August Raid. The theme addresses works for children and young adults.
This is what brought me to your work.


Dialogue - -
Very effective - moved the story along - added to the character development and plot line

Scenery / Setting - -
Greatly supported by the use of imagery

Plot - -
Smooth & complete - - rising action -> climax -> resolution
Great use of irony in your ending/closing/resolution!

Mechanics/Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling/Etc. - -
Well done! I usually end up spending so much time in this category when doing reviews! Yours was impeccable! Thank you! A breath of fresh air! Even the dialogue punctuation, sentence structure, spelling, homophones, etc.! Hats off to you!

Figurative Language / Imagery - -
Effective imagery! - -
"As they came, the earth below them darkened, and sun-mantled buildings put on cloaks of shadows."
"The floral-pattern sofa with its throw pillows lent a lot of charm, and each of the two upholstered armchairs were commodious enough to permit guests to curl up entirely on the seat with their legs tucked under them if they wished."
"When the doorbell rang, Jessica’s heart buzzed with excitement."
Great personification! - -
"As they came, the earth below them darkened, and sun-mantled buildings put on cloaks of shadows."
Fun use of simile - -
"...as cozy as any fairy hovel..."
Pleasant Alliteration - -
"... flitted to the front door ..." - "...sit on the sofa."
Great use of irony with the closing!

Favorite phrase = "As they came, the earth below them darkened, and sun-mantled buildings put on cloaks of shadows."

Final thoughts - -Cute little story! These flash fiction pieces with the very limited word count can be so challenging! It's hard when you can't add more detail, plot events, character development, figurative language, etc. Yours stands solidly even with the brevity. The irony at the end was probably my favorite part!

Keep writing!
Ruth Rodgers *Fleurdelis* *Quill*
*Music2* *BookStack3* *Trees* *MountainsB* *Trainbr* *Piano* *PawPrints* *Fleurdelis* *Quill*


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55
55
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!
Congratulations on your success with this submission to the Character Flaws contest and receiving Honorable Mention.
I'm participating today in the August Super Power Review Raid, and with a theme of Children's and Young Adult items, I came across your writing.
This is what brought me to your work.


The hook - -
You take us right into the conflict of the story. First, the description of the setting and the playful rhyming in the story attract and interest the reader, then we meet Sue and learn that she's a fairy who is impatient, a unique situation/concept.

Dialogue - -
- definitely contributes to the characters' traits!
minimal - not much to review
one note below on capitalization

Character Development - -
strong - - You give just enough description to learn a bit about the characters' character strengths and/or weaknesses. (beginning with *Paragraph* 3 and then with more detail later)
Sue, as the protagonist, gets much more detail and is well-developed . . . with a taste of humor!

Scenery / Setting - -
There really isn't much scenery, but that is to be somewhat expected with the limited word count. The inventive name of the woods, the introduction of the existence of the fairy colony, and other details like mentioning a tree, combine to give enough for a short piece like this.

Plot - -
Well-developed - - interesting - - rising action/climax/resolution all present
A nice little story for teaching kids that they don't have to feel controlled by their feelings but that they do have some power in life and can steer their emotions themselves a bit.
Just have to mention again how much your rhyming within the story contributes to such a pleasant setting and experience/story. *Smile*

Mechanics/Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling/Etc. - -
Strong overall
see below - "Room for Improvement"
Here "nowhere" would be one word: "...is no where near..."
"Butterflies" is one word, rather than: "...dragon flies..."

Figurative Language / Imagery - -
Fun alliteration - - "...But the darker that the darkness gets..." - "...and shouts and sniffs and pouts, and puffs..." -
Strong imagery - - "...all the singing, all the dancing,..." - '...when darkness falls..." - "... the little hamlet where she lives,..." - "...just a scary tree." - "...the darker that the darkness gets,..." - "...when butterflies and dragon flies he loves begin to chase..." - "...of shadows in the dark." -
Irony - Just your topic alone and choosing a little fairy for the subject/protagonist contains humorous irony! *Smile*
It might be nice to insert some imagery for the other senses, but these pieces with word limits always makes that a greater challenge. I really liked the visual examples I listed above.

Most effective passage(s) - - Great, effective word choice:
"...But the darker that the darkness gets..."
"...near the little hamlet where she lives"
"...says huffy little Sue..."
Again, the rhyming (not just at the ends of sentences/lines, but especially the internal rhyming) contributes to the tone/mood and makes it fun for the reader...a fun, sing-songy feeling to the piece

Room for Improvement - -
I noticed a few run-on sentences. I think that for young readers, this might not be noticeable and might not distract the way it would for an adult reader. Here are a few examples:
"Your feelings aren't in charge, you can pick them if you choose." - insert a semi-colon in place of the comma to remove the run-on sentence?
*Paragraph* 7 - - doesn't seem to have the same rhyming or rhythm as the previous paragraphs. May have been for a purpose to be disclosed in later paragraphs, but on e first reading, it stuck out a bit. I remember gong back to see what had rhymed with "naught" and couldn't find it. - - Then I found it in *Paragraph* 8 . . . perhaps not at all distracting to your other readers.
*Paragraph* 8 - feelings"
no need to capitalize "she" here: ""I'm here! I'm here!" She excitedly exclaims."
Sentence framnet: "And from that day on evermore."

Final thoughts - -
Again, this is a nice little story for teaching kids that they don't have to feel controlled by their feelings but that they do have some power in life and can steer their emotions themselves a bit. This is an important lesson with many benefits if learned early in life.

Keep writing!
Ruth Rodgers *Fleurdelis* *Quill*
*Music2* *BookStack3* *Trees* *MountainsB* *Trainbr* *Piano* *PawPrints* *Fleurdelis* *Quill*

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56
56
Review of Query Letter  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hello there!

I apologize that I was not able to get to this review by the deadline of the request I received by email. I am going to look at it closely this morning and sent you some feedback. I'm happy to not take your GPs because while I've done quite a bit of editing, proofreading, and reviewing, I am by no means an expert when it comes to query letters. I have had some success with queries to magazines for relevant articles, but have not gone that route to date for any novels. I do have a children's early chapter book (first in a series, hopefully) that I'm looking to publish and a YA Historical Fiction novel (also one that I envision as a series), but I've never written queries for them. After researching my options the past few years and attending an Indie author conference, I'm leaning toward working with a firm in the Denver area that assists Indie authors with the minutiae and PR of getting a book into readers' hands. I think I'll make a final decision after attending the annual RMFW (Rocky Mountain Fiction Writers) conference in August.


Impressions / Comments / Advice / Suggestions:
         My first suggestion for making this a more effective query would be to revisit your second sentence. The lead sentence seems to be professional and clear, but then there is a vague reference to "this". You may want to give the title and/or genre of your work here, or mention you have a novel you would like to make available to him/her and that it is inspired by the events you mention.

*Paragraph* 2 - -
I don't think that the word "white" needs to be capitalized the way it is used in this sentence.
The word "which" might be replaced with something such as "something" or "a taboo".
The comma between "both" and "the" causes some confusion for me. I think this would read best with it omitted.

*Paragraph* 3 - -
The word "his" seems a bit vague here. Since the reader of the letter is completely new to your work, I would suggest inserting the character's name (Xavier) here.
Sentence 2 - add a comma after the word "father" and a comma after the word "exposed"

*Paragraph* 4 - -
Perhaps replace "which I was fascinated by since a small child" with something like this:
..."which has fascinated he since early childhood" or "a fascination for me since childhood" (set off by commas of course)
Without added punctuation, the "small child and creative writing" appear to be a pair with something in common when that is not your intent.
Also, this subsequent passage reads awkwardly: "and creative writing, which sprang my interest in my tween years."
Perhaps replace it with something like this:
         Definitely wrap up the previous phrase with a comma as you return to the two contributors to your idea for the story.
"...creative writing, an interest which has continued to evolve since my tween years"
OR
"...creative writing, a keen interest since my tween years"

Closing *Paragraph* - -
I prefer "Thank you" over "Thanks" for a formal business letter like this.


I hope you find something helpful above. Again, I do not consider myself an expert with this audience.

Thank you for reaching out to me. I do hope this input reaches you in time for any deadlines you may be facing.

Keep in touch!

Keep writing!
Ruth Rodgers *Fleurdelis* *Quill*
*Music2* *BookStack3* *Trees* *MountainsB* *Trainbr* *Piano* *PawPrints* *Fleurdelis* *Quill*

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57
57
Review of Carnival  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again!

This will be the review you requested after your winning bid in the "Dogs Days of Summer" Auction.
The three Merit Badges have been sent to you and your two WdC friends. They were very appreciative!

First, I think that for the Shadows and Light Poetry Contest that focusing on a carnival is a tremendous idea! So much dark and light there! That hooked me!

Introductory Lines/Stanza -- Hook:
First, your title and the possibilities that drifted through my mind acted as an initial hook. The first stanza was interesting, intriguing, drew me in. By immediately introducing the bright lights and the resulting shadows with the hidden peeling paint, you effectively 'paint' the scene and creatively juxtapose the light with the hidden disrepair. This made me want to read on.

Imagery / Figurative Language / Etc. - -
Effective imagery! - -
Stanza one is very visual.
Stanza 2 surrounds me with the carnival's sounds.
Stanza 3 gave me more mental imagines and a great (swirling, whirlpool, "vortex") reference to sound. Your word choice of "hang limply" again combine a happy, positive image of Teddy bears and other toys with this lifeless, dull description. Well played!
Stanza 4, while focusing on the 'glistening' midway, did awaken a sense of taste wit your examples. The repeated hard "c" sound and the sense of the midway covered in a 'congealed' substance mixes a positive, festive feel with a touch of disgust (like the peeling paint).
Stanza 5 focuses on sounds.
Stanza 6 alludes to various senses without detailed descriptions of each: smell, taste, sight. Again, there seems to be an interesting mixture of fun and disgust with the 'tempting treats' sitting in a way that seems unappetizing/dated/almost stale while baking under the head lamps, where they're placed after already having adequate baking. I like how the sense of smell is highlighted as leading to or inspiring/tempting the sense of smell.
In Stanza 7, the visual images are so interesting, with the images from the above lines, but blurring a bit as the water of the watercolors bleed together a bit.
Stanza 8 = visual cues for the reader
I like how the final stanza provides sounds and tactile/movement and then connects a taste to memories. Creative!
* * I rarely find this kind of imagery working so well without detailed, wordy description.
* * Also, it adds so much that you cover so many senses where most pieces address only one or two.
Effective alliteration! - -
         "buzzing blink" - "...covered in congealed / cotton candy and caramel,'... - "Tempting treats..."
Effective simile! - -
         "like watercolors"

Examples of Favorite Phrases and Word Choice - -
"The buzzing blink of arcade lights / cast shadows, hiding peeling paint / from sight."
"The pieces of my past lay there; / my recollections, like watercolors, / flow together."
         That's beautiful! I think that's happening to all of our memories.....
"...on my lips, the salty taste of / memories."
"blaring" - "hiding" - "blaring" - "limply" - "immune" - "vortex" - "congealed" - "shrieking"/"creaking" - "perfume" (rather than just smell or odor) - "textured details" - .....

Resolution - -
Nice break between the two sections where the images give way to your reflections long after.
Creative connection of taste to memories as you close. Thought-provoking!

Final Comments / Room for improvement - -
I'm relieved to not have to address spelling, mechanics, punctuation, grammar, etc. here. In so many reviews, that ends up taking up the majority of the space, time, and effort. Hats off to you for your command of the agreed upon 'code' that delivers your message to your readers. I also appreciated the use of semi-colons.
So much effective imagery! Creative format! Gotta be a 5!

Format -
Don't feel uneasy about free verse any longer; you did well with it! Visually, it's interesting that you used three-line stanzas (something I should try in the future) and that very short third line.
For free verse, I found it interesting when you included just a touch of rhyme ("light - paint - sight" ... "beat - plea - me") and the internal rhyme in this line: "Voice shrieking, metal creaking;"!

Thank you for sharing this piece. I'm curious; did this come from imagination or did you often visit carnivals in your childhood or perhaps work at one?

Well done!

Ruth Rodgers *Fleurdelis* *Quill*

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58
58
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!
Congratulations on your success having this poem honored in the "Shadows & Light Poetry Contest". I am entering that contest for the first time this month, and am also participating in the Contest Review Challenge. These two things are what brought me to your work.

Introductory Lines/Stanza -- Hook:
Your creative title seemed to have so many possibilities that it hooked me before the first line.
In the first line I found irony, hooking me even more.

Imagery / Figurative Language / Etc. - -
irony - mentioning "cigarettes" right off was so ironic coming from the church parking lot I grew up near...it motivated me to read on
alliteration - "...brown / paper bags bearing boxes..."

Examples of Favorite Phrases and Word Choice - -
"faded characters / in frayed levis" - this is quite interesting and creative - a bit alliterative also!
This part definitely drove home that this was not a Sunday or a Wed PM . . . brought me to the food bank event for the setting:
         "Turn their backs to the street / to avoid stares / of passers-by / and wait . . . "
"They vanish, / only to return / and wait. . . ." - again some irony, a little sadness, plus a sense of necessity overpowering their feeling of hiding/shame

Resolution - -
The lines I just quoted above plus your final line give an interesting sense of closure mixed with the on-going nature of this routine.Very observant! Such a mix of emotions.....

Room for improvement - -
In most pieces I read, I end up spending loads of time going over the mechanical, grammatical, and spelling errors. It's refreshing to see your command of this "code" we all use so the reader got the message and was not distracted. Well done here.
I had to re-read line 3 a few times. It left me wondering why you placed the word "warm" at the end of line 3 instead of at the beginning of line 4. I emphasize here that I"m only one reader and no expert, so this is just an impression. Leaving it there likely adds to the awkwardness of the morning and its event. I just struggled briefly to see if warm was modifying the coffee or the fingers or what. No other suggestions. This paints quite a picture!
Very interesting also that all the characters are nameless and faceless...also quite symbolic/meaningful!

Thank you for sharing this piece. Again, congrats on the previous pats on the back you have received for it!
Ruth Rodgers

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59
59
for entry "🏆 Nightmare
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What an interesting piece!

Also, congrats! It's fun that we tied for this particular contest! It's also fun that our paths keep crossing in WdC!

I like your treatment of the elements of light and darkness. I think we all can relate both on a literal level and figuratively! The imagery is quite vivid, and the juxtaposition of terror and peace works well!

Another masterful word choice that stands out is "stalks". Of the many other possibilities, none would create the image, mood, and emotion that this particular choice does.

Well done!
Congrats again!
Ruth R. *Fleurdelis* *Quill*


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60
60
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!
I've recently begun doing reviews with "Reviewing with River". At this time, the theme being emphasized is "Military". I searched by topic in WdC, and that is how I came across your work.
Congratulations on the honor you received for this contest submission. I clearly see why they elevated it in this way!


The hook - -
Using a question as a title is unique, and I believe it is part of what drew me in.
Having relatives in the military and several in my family tree, I felt I wanted to look this over closely.

Character Development - -
- - age references were meaningful

Scenery / Setting - -
- - enhanced by your use of imagery

Plot - -
Nice presentation of a memoir (non-fiction I'm thinking? . . . If this is fiction, you did quite a good job of stepping into another's shoes and feeling his/her feelings!)

Mechanics/Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling/Etc. - -
"The flag draped coffin and folding ceremony stands out vividly to this day." - Hyphenate 'flag-draped'.
"The soldier's white gloved hands bestowing a red, white and blue souvenir to forever remind me of the difficult day and worst week of my short life." - Hyphenate 'white-gloved'.
Well done overall - - not seen often

Figurative Language / Imagery - -
Sight -
"...the freshly dug grave." - Wow, what a clear image...and so early in the poem!
"...aside impossibly shiny shoes." - Incredible word choice! I would never have thought of that, but it's SO powerful (+ hyperbole)
"The flag draped coffin..." (hyphenate)
"The soldier's white gloved hands bestowing..." (hyphenate)
",,,being dragged from the car kicking and screaming."
"... the dirt that clung to the petals of a plastic bouquet of flowers." - What an image!
"The sun had nearly bleached them white as they sat lopsided in an old jar poised on the corner of the headstone."
Sound -
"The simultaneous seven gun blasts were equivalent to a nuclear explosion going off at my side." - Wow!
"The haunting and mournful rendition of Taps seeped into my soul." (+ alliteration)
Touch/Tactile? Smell?

Most effective passage(s) - -
"The twenty-one gun salute nearly shattered my fragile nerves."
"The haunting and mournful rendition of Taps seeped into my soul."
"The soldier's white gloved hands bestowing a red, white and blue souvenir to forever remind me of the difficult day and worst week of my short life." - Very moving.
         Technically this is a sentence fragment. But I'm choosing to believe you used it purposefully as a way to emphasize the image and its significance.
"In my youth, Memorial Day was a state and federal holiday that conveniently closed schools and inconveniently closed banks and post offices."
         This one is so interesting. I believe most of your readers can truly relate. More so, I'm impressed that you can insert some humor in such a serious and heartfelt piece.
*Paragraph* 7 - Overall, this is strong and makes quite an impact.

Room for Improvement - -
"It gave me something look at..." - I think you left out the word "to" here.
"...as a carefully draped coffins." - no "s" needed
*Paragraph* 5: Spell out a number when it begins the sentence.
         -- some problems here with parallel structure
"It is America's salute to those that made the ultimate sacrifice." - Perhaps replace "that" with "who" which would strengthen your message.
"A thousand miles away from that tiny rural cemetery, I wonder if anyone will push a wooden stick holding an American flag into the soil above my father's casket this weekend."
         Wow, what a statement. It is very thought-provoking. It makes me think about the veterans in my family tree . . . and whether their headstones had flags . . . made me consider placing them myself.
Note:
I usually only have a couple examples listed here or delete the category altogether. Kudos to you that so many carried such an impact.

Final thoughts - -
Effective use of imagery - quite an impact - quite thought-provoking

Keep writing!
Ruth Rodgers *Fleurdelis* *Quill*
*Music2* *BookStack3* *Trees* *MountainsB* *Trainbr* *Piano* *PawPrints* *Fleurdelis* *Quill*

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61
61
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!
While looking for short stories related to the military for "Reviewing with River", I came across you poem.
It drew me in and I wanted to send you some feedback.

Introductory Lines/Stanza -- Hook:
The rhythm, meter, and rhyme really move this along!
Your structure is both unique and effective!

Rhythm / Format / Rhyme Scheme / Meter / Poetic Traits - -
In just the first few stanzas, I found myself really enjoying your pacing, rhythm, rhyme scheme, and musicality.
Your use of repetition adds to the poetic quality and the way you unified the diverse victims.

Imagery / Figurative Language / Etc. - -
IMAGERY: "whispering in the night"
This was an interesting phrase emoting sound, so quiet after the battles and their loud sounds.

Examples of Favorite Phrases and Word Choice - -
"I gave my May for your December" - so inventive and so meaningful!!
"I am the One who was only NINE" - This one caught me off guard when I got to it. I had to re-read it. I hand't been thinking broadly enough, not including children. It's so meaningful that you did and added it to the images in your readers' minds.

Resolution - -
Nice!
The capitalization may have been overused, but as its creator, it's your call, not mine, about what you want to emphasize for your readers.

Room for improvement - -
Spelling, etc. is strong. Thanks . . . as I rarely see this!

Thank you for sharing this piece. Again, congrats on the product you developed for the contest.
This obviously comes from the heart, and it touches similar experiences/memories/places for your readers also.
Well done!
Ruth Rodgers *Fleurdelis* *Music2* *MountainsG*

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62
62
Review of Capture The Flag  
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello!
I've recently begun reviewing with "Reviewing with River". Their theme for this time period is "Military". When I search for works with the topic in WdC, I came across your writing. This is what brought me to your work.


The hook - -
Actually, your description was quite gripping and made me want to read this piece. We played a lot of 'Capture the Flag' growing up, but from the description I'm interested in finding out where you'll go with this.

Dialogue - -
N/A

Character Development - -
We got enough description and background to understand the conflict between Southerland and Simpson, but a little more detail would be nice. If this is a contest piece or flash fiction piece with a word limit, no worries. If there is no imposed limit, then some added details would be great.

Scenery / Setting - -
There really isn't much scenery description, but there is to let the reader understand the setting. Some added details would enhance the setting and perhaps even the suspense.

Plot - -
The conflict is clear. The issues between the two men become clear. Resolution is satisfying.
Some additional background or some more roadblocks along the way might create more rising action (again, unless this piece had a word limit).

Mechanics/Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling/Etc. - -
*Paragraph* 1 - -
"On another note one..." - would read better with a comma after "note"
"...in this Country but let's see..." - would read better with a comma after "country" (which does not need to be capitalized)
"...basic training he had a..." - would read better with a comma after "training"
"...the go to guy..." - There are a few ways you could set this off. I've think I've most often see it with a hyphen and often quotes too ('go-to' or "go-to" or perhaps 'go-to guy' or "go-to guy)
*Paragraph* 3 - -
"However he knew that they wouldn't make it that easy, they really wanted to test the abilities of the soldiers they assembled." = run-on sentence
"Once again he raised his gun to make sure that he was safe to start making the trek across The Complex, he seemed to be in the clear." = run-on sentence
*Paragraph* 4 - -
"The sounds of guns firing at a rapid pace was calming him, for a moment he forgot that the opposing team would be searching for him." = run-on sentence
"His hands stopped shaking and he stopped looking all around him, there didn't seem to be anyone on his tail. = run-on sentence (add a comma after "shaking" and a semi-colon where the other comma is)
"...Special ops team..." - "Ops", short for Operations, also capitalized
*Paragraph* 5 - -
"...The President..." - no need to capitalize "the" here
*Paragraph* 6 - -
"Sure. Sure. Mr. I find everything. Of course if everyone..." - Add a comma after "Mr." and one after "Of course"
"...former Task Force rival Montgomery Simpson that was..." - set off the proper name inside commas
"Simpson raised his gun and his finger played with the trigger." = run-on sentence
"I would get the reward and the entire world would know what a fraud you are." = run-on sentence
*Paragraph* 7 - -
"An escape route was needed, he wanted to find the flag and be put on this team more than he had ever wanted anything before." = run-on sentence
"Adrenaline took over for Southerland, he lowered his head and ran at Simpson's abdomen." = run-on sentence
"A groan escaped from Simpson as he went down but Southerland paid no attention." = run-on sentence
*Paragraph* 8 - -
"Blackness threatened to overtake him but he pushed through and finally made it to doorway." = run-on sentence
On the corner of the door, he saw a red and white flag that he was to take but he wasn't sure that he would be able to." = run-on sentence
"Sucking in a deep breath, he grabbed the flag and a loud siren played out over The Complex." = run-on sentence
*Paragraph* 9 - -
"For a very long moment he..." - add a comma after "moment"
"Nobody rushed over to him to see if he was alive or dead but then nobody did that in a war-zone either." = run-on sentence
Also: war zone is two words
"He began to test his fingers and toes, when they moved he stood up." = run-on sentence
*Paragraph* 10 - -
"Had he misjudged the facilitators and they actually did have the flags in the middle?" = run-on sentence
"The blast had attracted the attention of his teammates, they were all rushing over to him." = run-on sentence
*Paragraph* 11 - -
"He realized the blast and sound wasn't designed to..." - parallel structure - change "wasn't" to "weren't"
"It was one last red herring, Southerland made his way into the hallway and found that his theory was correct, the red and white flag was on a pole, just waiting for him to claim." = run-on sentences - This comprises actually 3 complete thoughts.
*Paragraph* 12 - -
"Had this been a battlefield we would be a man down because of a miscalculation on the part of one team member but for now let us convene and celebrate the winners." - Insert commas after "battlefield" and "member"

Figurative Language / Imagery - -
Some additions would strengthen this piece and further engage your readers.

Room for Improvement - -
Please see the comments related to "Mechanics/Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling/Etc."

Final thoughts - -
Overall, this is a good start to a compelling story.
The excessive number of run-on sentences becomes problematic. A draft with adjustments in that area would be one where the reader could focus more on the plot and characters with less distraction.

Keep writing!
Ruth Rodgers *Fleurdelis* *Quill*
*Music2* *BookStack3* *Trees* *MountainsB* *Trainbr* *Piano* *PawPrints* *Fleurdelis* *Quill*

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63
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Review of Crown and Anchor  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello!
I've just recently begun reviewing for "Reviewing with River". Their topic for this time period, while I don't think they focus on poetry, is Military. By searching that subject in WdC, I came across this piece. This is what brought me to your week.

Introductory Lines/Stanza -- Hook:
Your title!
Something about this title really drew me in! It instigated all sorts of imagines, and I began wondering where you would go with all the wonderful possibilities!

Examples of Favorite Phrases and Word Choice - -
"Its anchor dug in, caused the Crown to slow."
         This line a the meter exactly ride so it flowed so well. Also the reference to the ship's name gave me a great picture in my mind.
"...where no one would look, and no one could find."
         In this one again, the meter was spot on, so it was almost musical and created a great feeling as the piece came to a close. Not 'great' as in happy', but satisfying. Tis was a bit ominous, picturing the anchor so deep and isolated. To me, your use of repetition was very effective here, especially since "no one" landed on the stressed syllable both times.

Resolution - -
Nice - - see the two lines above

Room for improvement - -
Spelling error - - Line 1: "riding" - - Line 5: "their" should be "they're", I believe for the line to make sense - - Line 10: "vain" - - Line 14: "their" should be "there" - - Line 15: "leaving" - -
parallel structure/spelling/word choice issues - -
         Line 4: ...crew "pulled"...
         Line 9: ...Captains "hoped"...
Punctuation - -
         "When it's job was done it fell,..." - - For a smoother read, place a comma between "done" and "it".

Final Thoughts:
In looking back, I find it key that you began and ended with the anchor. That gave a nice organization to the piece.

Overall, for me the mechanics/wording/spelling problems were incredibly distracting. Some little errors don't interfere with the reader's experience, but these did.
I think two areas could improve and make this a wonderful poem. One would be to clean up the mechanics.
The second would be to tweak the rhythm. You consistently use four 'beats'/stresses per line as in a quatrain. It seems to read with three syllable feet usually with the first emphasized as in a dactyl. These are inconsistent though. Sometimes the reader needs to backtrack to try to get the syllables to fit the pattern. If you looked for a few word substitutions, go could get this to really flow.

Thank you for sharing this piece. The storyline and picture of the scene are clear.
Feel free to ignore any of my suggestions, These observations are only my own. I hope they're helpful in some way though.
Ruth Rodgers

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64
64
Review of Flight 657  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello again!
I don't remember exactly when I noted this title...perhaps it was highlighted in your signature or appeared as an editor's pick. Usually I keep better track of these things. I opened it in a tab on my laptop, along with a few others, and left it open there until I could get to it. This is what brought me to your work.

The hook - -
Your first two lines are very magnetic. Their content and the element of repetition combined to draw me in.
I think that the description itself also served as part of the hook. I have no idea why, but I've always been a bit fascinated with the story of the Andes crash, the book, and the movie "Alive". I think I was getting images from their crash in those initial moments.

Dialogue - -
Well done!
For example:
“Mandy!” He started jogging, then running back down the trail, yelling her name. “Mandy! Where are you?” Oh my God, no! “Mandy!”
Your punctuation is correctly placed, and your use of italics clearly brings the reader along in the scene where he is calling out sometimes and thoughts are also running through his mind. I don't see this very often. Nice to see it done well so the message is clear!

Character Development - -
Well done - - natural inclusion of some details when the two characters introduce themselves to each other but without bogging the story down with info drops or excessive less pertinent info (something I think I need to work on)

Scenery / Setting - -
Nice jungle descriptions to accentuate their quandary.
Inclusions such as "some kind of bamboo hut" and "until she was against the wall of the hut" also detail the mind movie you're painting in my mind.
Imagery, Mandy's body positioning, all of these important details contribute to a vivid and clear setting!

Plot - -
Compelling!

Mechanics/Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling/Etc. - -
I like how you separate the sections of the stories with the three little "squiggles" (should be able to come up with the name....). I have bounded around with extra spacing, a few centered dashes, etc., but I really like the look of this as it really works for this reader!
"...A little further down the trail" - should be farther + add a comma?
"His heartbeat started racing, panic flooded his mind." - use a comma in this compound sentence to divide the two segments
"a 4 inch dart" hyphenate "4-inch"
Why am I hearing drums, Mandy wondered. - A question mark should replace the comma. Great use of italics though!
KUDOS - We could have used that to keep the fire going! Why didn’t I think of that? Why didn’t Eddie think of that? - I loved how you used italics for the internal monologue, then used a standard "I" and "Eddie" for the emphasis which is usually italicized. So many don't used these wonderful options grammar and mechanics offer us! (I know, I sound like a weird grammar Nazi....)
"...keeling down..." - I believe you meant "kneeling"
For the most part, your use of commas, especially combining to complete clauses into compound sentences is much stronger than others' works I read. As I read on though, I noticed several spots where the use of a comma would be appropriate and would more clearly communicate the intended message. (introductory phrases/clauses, etc.)

Figurative Language / Imagery - -
The imagery is helpful in the initial paragraphs. I like that you include sound "screams" (too often overlooked by writers in my opinion) and the description of the burning engines.
Then you followed it up with silence and hissing...nice!
'... the smell of jet fuel " - few include smells too! Well done!

Most effective/favorite passage(s) - -
"...looked around at the carnage. Broken, bloody bodies were strewn about..."
'...the dense canopy filtered out most of the light, sans the 100 yard stretch where the 707 had burst through it..."
"...the sounds of the Amazon rainforest began their nightly haunting ritual, getting louder and louder to the point where they were almost deafening."
Ominous! - "...the feeling of being watched by unseen eyes never felt stronger..."
"...The rainforest was unforgiving..."
"...the crackling of the fire..."
"Eddie wasn’t all there, but his head was firmly speared on top of a stake." - - WOW!!

Great, effective word choice:
"carnage" - "strewn about" -
"dark crimson color" - very descriptive
"Whuh?" - clearly describes her condition - I'm often wondering how to best incorporate "Nope", "Nuh", "Uh huh" (or its opposite... what do we use for that?!?), "Ugh", etc.
"canopy" - "sans" - "burst" - "solemn" - "haunting" - "deafening" - "crackling" -

Room for Improvement - -
*Paragraph* 4 - I believe '"blonde haired" should be hyphenated. Also, it looks like you omitted the word "he" in one sentence here.
"Neither one of them was hungry..." - parallel structure
awkward wording - "...not with God-knew-what creatures might be lurking in the trees..."
see earlier comment about addition of commas which enhance communication/comprehension

Final thoughts - -
Those last two lines are gripping!
"And that’s when she saw Eddie staring at her in the shadows, and a blood-curdling scream echoed through the jungle.
Eddie wasn’t all there, but his head was firmly speared on top of a stake."
I was trying to put the pieces together wondering if he'd be honored also, but doubting it. Wondering at first, just for an instant, if he was alone peering in at the scene, then I read on. What a surprise! No wonder she cried out! Not an expiated closing, but that's what makes so may stories fun!
His head on the stick became an instant, vivid image in my mind...as did the echoes of the scream!
You know, it's so fun and satisfying to pick up on an author's foreshadowing and be able to put pieces together before they're revealed, but it is also equally satisfying when the author pulls one over on you and truly surprises you...me...at least in my own little mind.


Keep writing!
Ruth Rodgers *Fleurdelis* *Quill*
*Music2* *BookStack3* *Trees* *MountainsB* *Trainbr* *Piano* *PawPrints* *Fleurdelis* *Quill*

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65
65
Review of Looking Eastward  
for entry "🥇 Crows
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello there!
Since I had entered the Bi-Weekly Oriental Poetry Contest for the first time, I was interested in looking at other submissions. This is what brought me to this piece.

Introductory Lines/Stanza -- Hook:
I think the rhythm, rhyme, and meter of the first stanza beckons the reader to continue on.

Rhythm / Format / Rhyme Scheme / Meter / Poetic Traits - -
true Pathya Vat formula/structure
great word choices for your structure/pattern:
- high/eye -- chance / trance / dance - prize / skies / apprise - mate / wait / fate

Imagery / Figurative Language / + Favorite Phrases and Word Choice - -
Imagery! - -
"shiny" - "skyward dance" - "cackling caws" (glad to see sound included!) -
Personification of Fate in the last stanza was effective. If that was intentional, capitalizing the word would highlight the impact.
I can clearly see these birds, their mannerisms, and their activities.

Resolution - -
Your piece comes full circle as they return to wait for another stray crumb. You made a commonplace and sometimes disdained scene (especially if it were pigeons) poetic. Scavengers can get a bad rap but they did not choose their role in the food chain or the circle of life. Your poem reminds me of that.

Room for improvement - -
.....really can't think of any.....

Thank you for sharing this piece. Again, congrats on making a commonplace scene, if not one often held in contempt, quite poetic. Well done!

I've been coming across your name and your writings more and more in WdC, so I hope we become better acquainted as fellow writers.

Ruth R.

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66
66
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello again!
As I mentioned in a previous review, being relatively new to WdC, I have recently come across the Newbies+ Poetry Group, the Newbies+ Poetry Review Group, and the Newbies+ Group Open House Challenge. It is through your portfolio's listing in the latter that I happened upon your work.

Since I've working on expanding my reviews from the WdC SuperPowers Review Group to include also the Newbies+ Poetry & Review Group, I scanned through more of your Portfolio and this piece caught my eye. I find the title intriguing, plus I recently submitted a piece in this same contest "Stormy's..." so that made this even more of interest to me.


Introductory Lines/Stanza -- Hook:
To begin, your title is a bit of a hook to draw me in. The imagery has begun even before the first line. Owls always interest me, plus the mention of "frost" and "night" are intriguing.
Line 1 - I can see the path in my mind's eye. The mention of a car surprised me and wasn't in my initial image, but it was necessary to paint in the reader's mind the setting you intended.
Line two gives your reader the hour.

Imagery / Figures of Speech / Word Choice / Etc. - -
Line 3 - I really like the personification in the term "creeping"!
Line 4 - nice addition of the sense of sound (see question below)
"retching" - SO descriptive - again, not what I would have originally imagined so your detail steered along the storyline
"hung on to each other" - paints a clear picture including the moment's emotions
"crushing" - nice sound imagery

Resolution - -
Still working on this one.....
Hoping I didn't miss something (which can easily happen with poetry)
Not sure of the significance of him/her not being seen again nor of its appearance ... not of the appearance of the doe
This took the air out of the balloon for me, the wind fro your sails.
Lovely images throughout though

Room for improvement - -
I believe in line one it should be "hand-in-hand".
Line 4 provided meaningful imagery, but also created a question for me. They heard the sound then stopped, but it then says they were not aware of the cry. I wonder if it would read better to say they weren't aware of its "presence"??
Line 7 - verb tense - for consistency, "jumped" instead of "jumps"?
Line 11 - spelling error or word choice: "echoes" (unless possessive and something belongs to the echo)
punctuation - wondering about the need for end punctuation for each line when each one does not read as a complete thought/sentence.....

Thank you for sharing this piece.
Ruth Rodgers

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67
67
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello again!
Being relatively new to WdC, I have recently come across the Newbies+ Poetry Group, the Newbies+ Poetry Review Group, and the Newbies+ Group Open House Challenge. It is through your portfolio's listing in the latter that I happened upon your work.

This folder caught my eye due to the military service of others in my family and circle of friends. My grandfather served in Patton's Third Army in WWII and was career Army, my nephew is currently serving in the USMC, my partner's father was a Marine on Iwo Jima, cousins have served in the Navy and USMC, and I have friends and other family members from the Army & Air Force currently.


Introductory Lines/Stanza -- Hook:
Your first stanza is full of imagery. Your readers can easily see the tiny, precious hand in the adult's hand, plus the little blue eyes looking up.
This is very relatable as we all have wondered with both fondness and worry about what life's path will bring the little ones in our lives.
Your mention of the small rock treasure reminded me of a memorable day at an outdoor mountain town Christmas market where my nephew's treasure was a stick.

Stanza 2 is also strong and enjoyable. This took me to my nephew who is named for his great-grandfather, the career-Army man who served under Patton and helped liberate concentration camps.

Stanza 3 almost gave me the chills. Again the imagery works well. I can see you hand-in-hand with another generation added to the mix. I think of so many, then & now, male & female, assuring their families that all will be OK.

Resolution - -
I also felt your closing lines were strong.
Repetition can be so powerful in poetry, incorporating that element of sound as alliteration does. Seeing again the phrase, "I thought of someone today...." throughout the poem and in its title also makes the piece even stronger.

Room for improvement - -
I have a question about a part of Stanza 3. You closed the stanza with the word "vein". Did you mean to place a reference to blood for your readers or might it be a spelling error, meaning to have used "vain"?


Thank you for sharing this piece.
This obviously comes from your heart, and please know that it touches similar experiences in and places in others' hearts also.
Well done!

Ruth Rodgers

Question:
May I have your permission to share this with my younger sister whose son is the Marine I spoke of above? Thank you.

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68
68
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!
I have just recently discovered the "Newbies + Poetry Group", the "Newbies + Poetry Review Group", and the Newbies+ Group Open House Challenge". This is where I found a link to your Portfolio and an invitation to review a few items. I hope you're receiving a great deal of valuable input this month!



Initially, it was your title that drew my attention over the others. I love the higher-level thinking contained in similes and metaphors, so I wanted to see how you compared life to a hurricane.

Hook: Your first line is incredibly relatable (...I think many of us have individuals who have entered our lives in that surprising and impactful manner...) and makes your reader want to read on.

Other Comments:
Your choice of verb tense keeps the poem swirling and moving. Using "ing" again and again, others swirl along with you! I like the sounds and impact of words such as: speeding, swirling, spinning, sweeping ... not a use of alliteration where the words are next-door neighbors, but a unique way to still have an impact.
I like the line "Catching me off guard" - very relatable!

- - a series of several hurricanes??

The ending is warm and satisfying. You take your readers back to times when they too have hoped to land in their loved one's arms, to safely weather the storm ... together.

In sum, I hope that you have that safe, deep connection as I do that has outlasted any a challenge and many a storm.

Well done!
Ruth R.



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69
69
for entry "Doggone It
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello!
Congratulations on your success with this submission to the Tweet Me a Story WDC contest.
I'm pretty new to WDC and just recent found this contest. I've been trying to write most days and the Daily Flash Fiction Challenge has helped me both in developing more consistent writing habit but also to work on brevity which I seem to lack, and I thought this super short contest would also give me good practice.

I am often interested in reading the other submissions, especially those honored as winners. This is what brought me to your work.


Minor addition: add a comma to the last sentence (quote) to create a compound sentence rather than a run-on

Fun story! I see why it got honored. It's great when something this short can make others smile and/or laugh! Again, congrats!

Keep writing!
Ruth Rodgers *Fleurdelis* *Quill*
*Music2* *BookStack3* *Trees* *MountainsB* *Trainbr* *Piano* *PawPrints* *Fleurdelis* *Quill*

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70
Review of One Lovely Day  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello again! You have another good-looking and enjoyable submission here!
I'm checking in today after submitting one myself, so we don't yet know if I get to congratulate you on another success.


Again, to me this was very cute. I love the concept of the little one chatting away with the spirits...and the two being easily able to understand one another with the typical adult not able to...and assuming the negative. So ironic!

The early introduction of the cemetery setting alluded to the likelihood of it appearing in the story again later, but again, I didn't anticipate the interactions being with the little one.

While many would create a ghost story that is alarming and unsettling, you've created one that truly creates a lovely day for all involved. Well done!


The hook - -
Good introduction to the MC, the issue of her challenge of babysitting, and the mention of the upcoming setting in the cemetery.

Scenery / Setting - -
easing in to cemetery setting with the kid along - well done

Plot - -
well developed - with intro - rising action - climax & resolution

Mechanics/Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling/Etc. - -
(won't detail them all this time...)
* Run-ons = 2
- - (The one in *Paragraph* 1 could also be corrected with a colon due to the content that follows it.)
* Comma omissions (remember, I like to use all the ones others may consider 'optional'): 1
* Spelling/word choice:
- - *Paragraph* 3: "times" instead of "time"?

Most effective passage(s) / Great, effective Word Choice - -
"unnerving"
"From Alice’s perspective, Sally seemed to be..."
"still being young enough that she hadn’t forgotten everything yet"
"albeit from a one-year-old’s perspective"

Final thoughts - -
"All in all, it turned out to be one lovely day for everyone involved."
Lovely to read, too!

Keep writing!
Ruth Rodgers *Fleurdelis* *Quill*
*Music2* *BookStack3* *Trees* *MountainsB* *Trainbr* *Piano* *PawPrints* *Fleurdelis* *Quill*

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71
71
Review of The Process  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!
Congratulations again on your success with this submission to the Daily Flash Fiction Challenge.
For this prompt, I wasn't able to get a clear idea I liked, so kudos to you!
Again, your "win" is what brought me to your work.


Again, I was pulled into your story. Early on, I wanted to know more about the situation and what the outcome would be.
I could feel the second to the last paragraph happening.
Then you totally surprised me though with the last sentence. I had been anticipating something Sci-Fi or other worldly...but then it gave me cause to look back and enjoy the intriguing ending you chose.

The hook - -
Works!
plus this alludes to the repeating occurrences

Dialogue - -
N/A

Mechanics/Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling/Etc. - -
*Paragraph* 2 - - Sentence #2 wouldn't be a run-on with a comma before the conjunction.
- - Sentence #4 - read a little awkwardly at first...but in sum I think it might add to the mood/situation
- - Sentence #6 = run-on - Since it's already a compound sentence, perhaps a semi-colon or an ellipsis would fix this and still keep to your message/intent.
- - last sentence - For ease of reading, add a comma after the prepositional phrase (after the word "minutes").

*Paragraph* 4 - - Sentence #1 - "this" instead of "his"?
- - Sentence #1 - also a run-on - possible solutions = comma and conjunction OR semi-colon OR period and new sentence, etc.
- - Sentence #2 = run-on - same solutions/'cures' (between "that" and "he'd"
- - Perhaps attraction the last phrase to the preceding sentence with an ellipsis?

Figurative Language / Imagery - -
The second to the last paragraph:
I usually see that the sense of touch is the least addressed. Sight, sound, taste, and smell are a little more common and perhaps more tangible. The sensations, feelings, and movement are quite palpable in this paragraph, and they are KEY to moving from the section that made this reader anticipate a Sci-Fi conclusion to the satisfyingly surprising one you created.

Most effective passage(s) - -
I feel like the last two paragraphs are key...they are riveting...they are surprising with a wonderful twist. The story couldn't be what it is without them! *Wink*

Great, effective word choice and catchy, meaningful phrases:
"came crashing back" - "tension" - "choppy" - "assimilate" - "into the fog" - "directed by corporate" (ominous!) - "rotated home" - "fuzzier" - "rushing into the light"

Room for Improvement - -
See 'Mechanics' suggestions.
"temporarily" - that term confused me for a bit

Final thoughts - -
Again, well done! Thanks for surprising me! (I'm not used to that!) *Wink*

Keep writing!
Ruth Rodgers *Fleurdelis* *Quill*
*Music2* *BookStack3* *Trees* *MountainsB* *Trainbr* *Piano* *PawPrints* *Fleurdelis* *Quill*

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Review of Her New Tail  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Congratulations on creating the winning submission for this Daily Flash Fiction Challenge. I often submit, but did not develop an idea for this one. Whether I submit or not, I usually find myself interested checking out the ones that are chosen by the organizers. This is what brought me to your story.

I find it fun how you went beyond human characters/features and included animals. The use of the term "prehensile" is so rarely seen, and I loved how it played into the story in a key way. You surprised me with the 'manhood' mention, but it fit in and flowed smoothly. This led nicely into the humor and bit of a sexual tease you inserted with the final phrase. Nicely playful and creative! Definitely unique!

Room for improvement:
-- spelling of key word -- As in the prompt, spell the word "makeover" with no space in the middle.
-- Paragraph 3 - spelling error - "ma'am" should replace "mam" - also in Paragraph 7
-- Paragraph 4 - run-on sentence
-- Paragraph 5 - missing 3 commas
-- Paragraph 8 - no hyphen in "seal point"
-- Paragraph 10 - missing 2 commas
-- Paragraph 11 - error: "that's hurts" - also missing 2 commas
-- Paragraph 13 - missing one comma

Again, congratulations on the kudos you've received from this submission!
Ruth Rodgers


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73
73
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Congratulations on creating the winning submission for this Daily Flash Fiction Challenge. I often submit, but not for this one. I played with an idea with a raccoon striving to get a new home, but I liked it longer with more detail, so its use will have to be elsewhere. Congrats to you on completing your entry, doing so by the deadline, keeping to the word limit, and being honored by the judge(s). Whether I submit or not, I usually find myself interested in checking out the ones that are chosen by the organizers/judges. This is what brought me to your story.

For me, the bulk of the storyline does not connect to the eventual disclosure or the title. Congrats to you though because I am just one reader and obviously not the judge.

I definitely want to compliment you on your correct usage of punctuation for dialog. So often I see errors i this area, and any errors that cause confusion for the reader detract from the enjoyment of the story. Some advice I've read suggests that writers should use "said" and "asked", but I feel that those become redundant and bland. You kept the conversation clear without needing conversation tags of any kind usually. Well done!

I fear that, overall, the errors involving run-on sentences and the misspelling or misuse of common words could hurt your progress as a writer. Keep an eye on those, and I think more accolades will be coming your way!

Room for improvement:
Paragraph 5 - confusing wording - "at the door one" - re-word?
Paragraph 13 - word choice/spelling - "you're" should replace "your"
- - Also: presents as a run-on - could use re-organizing
- - Also: word choice/spelling - "we're" should replace "were"
Paragraph 14 - capitalize "Advanced Calculus" as a course title - also in paragraph 16 -
Paragraph 19 - reads as a sentence fragment - You probably don't mean plural "cars" but intended the verb "is" to follow "car" --> "car's"
Paragraph 20 = run-on
Paragraph 21 - spelling/word choice error - wrong form of "too" - replace with "to"
Paragraph 26 - spelling/word choice - "place" instead of "pace"
Paragraph 27 = run-on
Paragraph 29 = run-on

Congrats again. I hope this is helpful.
Ruth Rodgers


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74
74
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Congratulations on creating the winning submission for this Daily Flash Fiction Challenge. As I've mentioned before in reviews of your winning entries, I often submit, but did not develop an idea for this one. Whether I submit or not, I usually find myself interested checking out the ones that are chosen by the organizers. Again, this is what brought me to your story.

From the start, I like the setting.

What a surprising ending! Usually I can anticipate where authors are going, and this was not remotely in my mind. It was SO cute to have the mice involved in luring the children in. The presence of the ghost is both surprising and interesting.

fun word choice that really works for this reader:
"rickety", "bolted", "hovering"

Room for improvement:
Paragraph 3 - When the dialog has a question, include the question mark inside the quotation marks.
(Line 6 ends with a fragment, but I think it works here. They're OK when used for emphasis or some other important impact as you know.)
Cracking? Maybe try 'creaking'??
Line 9 - This sentence will read better if you place a comma after the word "Ted". Also, "it's" means "it is", so you want to use "its" here.
Paragraph 10 - spelling "going", not "gong"
- - also: Capitalize "If" since it starts a new sentence in the dialog.
- - also: second line - Capitalize "They" since you're starting a new sentence of narration.

Again, well done! Congrats!
Ruth Rodgers


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75
75
Review of Mother's House  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great job, Jacky!

I chose this one to read since it won that day's prompt for the DFFChal. I had started a draft for that contest, but it just wasn't working for me. I let my mind roam through a few possibilities, but didn't have much more time. As a result, I was curious about the other entries.

-- Your submission definitely hooked me.
-- I could definitely see the setting where Jared stood and worked.
-- Somewhere in paragraph 3, I started to wonder about the father's death and his body. I don't know if you dropped seeds of foreshadowing or if I was just being an active reader. Still, when you got to the last sentence, it hadn't even occurred to me that the grandparents might have been her victims also. This of course always gives the reader satisfaction in guessing correctly, plus there's a unique fun feeling from the author surprising the reader at the very end.
-- You especially did a good job given that there is no dialogue, not even internal dialogue. For some strange reason, I feel compelled to always include some, and have yet to enter the "No Dialogue Contest" as a result.
-- You paced and sequenced the story well. I was having a hard time keeping my potential ideas short enough and put in a logical yet interesting and suspenseful order.

Room for improvement:
-- line 1 - word choice - 'badly' - Think of the fun you could have with another term!
-- paragraph 2, sentence 3 is a run-on - perhaps use a semi-colon if you want to tie the two together?
-- last sentence of that paragraph: seven-year (hyphenated)
-- paragraph 3, 2nd sentence - would read better with a comma before the 'and' (technically a run-on without it)
(Very minor . . . did not distract from your story or its impact!)

Ruth Rodgers


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