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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/runningwolf04
Review Requests: ON
2,506 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I review in categories on all major points of a poem or story.
I'm good at...
I especially like reviewing poetry. But when it comes to fiction, I love commenting on character development.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Sci-Fi, Fantasy
Favorite Item Types
Static, Books
Least Favorite Item Types
Interactives, Campfires, Forums, In & Outs
I will not review...
I won't review something that obviously hasn't been spellchecked.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Jay O'Toole ! Thank you for your entry into DAY 2 of the January 2020 round of "Rhythm & Rhyme: Poetry/Lyrics Challenge! I appreciate your hard work in the challenge. I have to apologize for just getting back to reviewing and judging the entries after so long.

Remember, this is not a full review but instead notes on how well the prompt was followed and observations on just some of the things I will consider when judging. Much more goes into these hard decisions than what I may mention here.

GOOD LUCK!

PROMPT
You followed the form prompt perfectly. It's evident you have a lot of experience with iambic meter. It's one of my personal favorites as well when it comes to meter. Anapestic being a close second. *Wink*

RHYTHM
Not only do your lines follow the strict iambic meter and foot-counts that are required by the Minute Poetry form, you've used those requirements to your advantage to create a wonderfully flowing poem. Sometimes the hardest part with this form is getting the longer first line of each stanza to flow well into the next three shorter ones. You made it look easy!

GRAMMAR
I found no grammatical errors in this piece. Well done!

OVERALL THOUGHTS
I absolutely love your inspiration for this poem. It's funny how sometimes the most mundane of tasks, those that we refer to as chores or even annoyances, can be seen in such a different light. You just have to look at things from a different perspective.

Really, the only thing that stuck out with this poem was the use of the word "charm" in the last line. It works "okay" with the rest of the poem but it just doesn't seem to be quite as strong.

Write On and Good Luck!

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2
2
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Xiea's catching up! ! Thank you for your entry into PROMPT 1 of the January 2020 round of "Rhythm & Rhyme: Poetry/Lyrics Challenge! I appreciate your hard work in the challenge.

Remember, this is not a full review but instead notes on how well the prompt was followed and observations on just some of the things I will consider when judging. Much more goes into these hard decisions than what I may mention here.

GOOD LUCK!

PROMPT
It's very difficult to find a consistent melody within your lyrics. Instead of a melody being the music that lyrics are written to, the melody is the song-like quality in the lyrics themselves that are usually matched up to the musical notes. The melody is created with stressed and unstressed syllables much like a meter in poetry writing. However, when writing song lyrics, you have the flexibility to create any pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables you'd like to as long as they are consistent.

RHYTHM
While these song lyrics flow very well and I could very easily imagine them sung to music, the melody isn't as clear.

GRAMMAR
I found no grammatical errors in this piece. Well done!

OVERALL THOUGHTS
I love the theme of a love song, but insecurity and mistakes made in love. It's certainly a long song, and a complicated story, but perfect as a ballad.

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3
3
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Jay O'Toole ! Thank you for your entry into PROMPT 1 of the January 2020 round of "Rhythm & Rhyme: Poetry/Lyrics Challenge! I appreciate your hard work in the challenge.

Remember, this is not a full review but instead notes on how well the prompt was followed and observations on just some of the things I will consider when judging. Much more goes into these hard decisions than what I may mention here.

GOOD LUCK!

PROMPT
The prompt was to write a song with a strict melody and you did a fantastic job creating and sticking to that melody. There was only one line that didn't follow the created melody for me. That line is: His words landed him in prison so fast,

You wrote the song in perfect songwriting structure with several verses, the chorus, and the bridge. This is wonderfully organized which made it very easy for me to read (well, sing!) out loud.

RHYTHM
I love that you used a couplet melody with two lines that each have their own structure of stressed and unstressed syllables. By having a different pattern in each line, you are bringing in a very dynamic melody. On top of that, the two lines that are different also flow really, really well together.

GRAMMAR
I found no grammatical errors in this piece. Well done!

OVERALL THOUGHTS
I absolutely love the theme of this song and I would love to have something like this sung at church on Sunday. It's something I could even see the children's group singing, learning about the story of several men whom God chose to do fantastic things but they still weren't perfect. While no one on Earth is perfect, we can still succeed at life by living a righteous life that God has set for us.

Thank you so much for this fantastic entry!

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4
4
Review of Dream Logic  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Madeleine ! My name is β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜… and I am stopping by your port today because I am cooking up a recipe at the "Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party!

I really enjoyed your contest entry, "Dream Logic! These are my thoughts... Please take what you can use to better the piece. If you make any changes, I would love to re-read.

*GiftY* Title, Subject, and Genre *GiftY*
I feel like your title should be something tied more to the actual piece you wrote and not to the contest you wrote it for. My first thought for a very descriptive title with a hook that would definitely get me to read would be, "Dream Logic." That seems to be the recurring theme throughout the piece. That theme is strong and while you repeat that phrase (dream logic) it helps me as a reader to remember that the next thing that happens will also be dream logic. This also means, in a sense, that anything could happen and I really don't KNOW what's going to happen so I just HAVE to keep reading.

You have this listed under "Personal" as a genre. That fits very, very well. You also have it listed as a "Contest Entry" and as a "Contest." It is, in fact, a contest entry but it isn't a contest. I think that the genre of "Experience" would fit much better there, but there are many different genres to choose from. The better your genre choices fit the piece, the more likely you are to reach readers (and reviewers!) that are looking for work just like yours.

*Cake2* Intro Paragraph/Conclusion *Cake2*
There really isn't an introduction or conclusion to this as you are describing a series of events. However, you still begin these descriptions in a way that immediately hooked me as a reader. Your conclusion left me with a satisfied feeling after reading but I did wonder whether the heartburn inspired the dream or the dream caused the heartburn? Perhaps that was your intent. *Smile*

*PartyHatO* Character Definition *PartyHatO*
Your "character" seems very logical in this dream despite being surrounding by dream logic. Dream logic never seems to make sense. While it's hard to get a sense of just who YOU are as a person just from this short encounter with a recurring dream, it's your style of writing that also helps me understand a bit more about you. Your writing, and not just your actions in the dream, are very logical.

*ConfettiP* Dialogue *ConfettiP*
The dialogue you use in this dream sequence is internal but that works very well for the piece.

*GiftP* Setting *GiftP*
You do an EXCELLENT job of describing the setting of your dream, both how it is in your dream and how it should be based on real life. It was very, very easy for me to picture this dream much like you probably experience it, simply by following the images that you describe in your logical sequence of events.

*CandleO* Plot/Conflict *CandleO*
The conflict seems to build to the point where that final pain is felt. It's strange how our waking thoughts and feelings can inspire such illogical dreams, even in logical people.

*Partyhatp* Grammar *Partyhatp*
it doesn’t like that ~ I believe you are missing the word "seem" in this phrase. But you may have meant to write a different word.

This was the only grammatical error I found in the piece.

However, the two lines at the end of the piece stuck out to me because they aren't separated like all the other paragraphs and even single lines in the rest of the piece. For consistency, I felt like there should have been a line spacing between those two lines.

*Balloonb* Final Thoughts *Balloonb*
This dream is certainly strange but also explained all within this text. I love your logical language as you describe an illogical sequence of events. So much of the story is hidden between the lines. Well done and Write On! Oh, and good luck in the contest! (I usually link to the contest I'm entering at the bottom of the item so I know when and what I entered. This is only a personal preference but I thought I would mention it.)

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5
5
Review of Were I A Flower  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, MJ Horsten ! My name is β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜… and I am stopping by your port today because I am cooking up a recipe at the "Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party!

I really enjoyed your poem, "Were I A Flower! These are my thoughts... Please take what you can use to better the piece. If you make any changes, I would love to re-read.

*GiftY* Title, Subject, and Genre *GiftY*
My first comment is in regard to your item's description. You mention this is a melodramatic sonnet... and Shakespeare's weren't?? *Wink*

The title of this poem struck me as something that could be taken as cliche, but something told me the subject matter of this poem wouldn't be cliche at all. I was right. It was that inner conflict I had when reading the title that really forced me, in a way, to click the link and read!

You have this item listed under "Romance/Love" but both of your other two genre choices are left as "Other." It can be really important when posting work to WdC that you use all three genre choices available. Many members search for specific types and topics to read about. By not using all three, you may be missing out on readers, and reviewers! There are several choices that I feel would fit this piece. "Emotional" is the first one that comes to mind, but so does "Relationship." Be sure to scroll the list of genres (I know it's a long one!) and choose those that fit your item the best.

*Cake2* Structure *Cake2*
Most of Shakespeare's sonnets were written as one long stanza, like you've done here. The more modern way of writing a sonnet is two break it up into three quatrains and an ending couplet. Either way is correct. In fact, I think that following the older style of Shakespeare works quite well with the melodramatic nature (as you said so yourself) of the piece.

*PartyHatO* Rhythm *PartyHatO*
Iambic pentameter is one of the hardest aspects of a Shakespearean Sonnet for any poet to master. I've writen dozens of sonnets and it took quite a bit of reworking, and a lot of practice, to learn how to write in meter, as well as how to make it work to my advantage.

There is a TedEd video that really helped me to learn SO much about ALL types of poetic meter, not just iambic meter.

The first line of your poem is written in perfect iambic pentameter. I can demonstrate it this way: (the stressed syllables are on the capped letters)

Had I | the CON| fiDENCE | to STAND | unDRESSED

The word "like" is almost always a stressed syllable, so beginning those lines that way forces you out of iambic pentameter. I am confident, however, that you would be able to write these lines in meter, maintain your rhyming pattern, and also keep the meaning of each line intact. It does take work (and a lot of talking to yourself!) but it's SO worth it in the end!

*ConfettiP* Rhyme *ConfettiP*
You follow the rhyme pattern of the Shakespearean Sonnet perfectly! I also love some of the rhyme pairs you've come up with that are unique. As poets, sometimes we have to be creative with rhyming, stretching away from true rhymes and to those that are really super close. So close that the average reader won't even know they don't rhyme in the first place. That's exactly what you've done with smile/trials and sun/loved. Great job!

*GiftP* Imagery/Emotion *GiftP*
You truly captured my imagination when it comes to seeing and feeling what you are expressing. Just the phrase "were I a flower" is one that conjures up images of beauty and emotions of love and romance. In this way, this repeated phrase really brings across the theme of your poem.

*CandleO* Language *CandleO*
You've used language that is very classical in both sound and the way it expresses emotion. You've truly captured the essence of language that Shakespeare uses himself (although not written in Old English, of course). *Bigsmile*

*Partyhatp* Grammar *Partyhatp*
When a new line continues the idea from the line above, it's not necessary to start the line with a capital letter. Just as when writing a sentence, you really only need a capital letter when you've used a period, question mark, or exclamation mark to end an idea or you've finished making your point. Because you use ending punctuation in this poem, you should be able to remove the capital letters that occur when the line is a continuation of the one above it.

*Balloonb* Personal Thoughts *Balloonb*
I am one who could read Shakespeare's sonnets (well, anything Shakespeare) over and over again. It's hard to see anything wrong with expressing what you've stated as melodramatic. If anyone was famous for melodrama it was The Bard so, in essence, you've captures not only his famous sonnet form but also his favorite form of expression. Great job and Write On!

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6
6
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, busybutterfly ! My name is β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜… and I am stopping by your port today because I am cooking up a recipe at the "Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party! (And also because you requested a review from me through the WdC Review Request system. I hope you find this review as helpful as you had hoped.)

I really enjoyed your poem, "Sky is white not blue! These are my thoughts... Please take what you can use to better the piece. If you make any changes, I would love to re-read.

*GiftY* Title, Subject, and Genre *GiftY*
Your title is unique and truly captures the attention of a reader. I feel like you could use the title to either explain or even bring more mystery to the poem by giving away another detail of the poem's meaning. The meaning of the poem isn't completely clear even though there are clearer emotions that are expressed. It's easy to feel those emotions as a reader even if I don't truly understand why I'm feeling those emotions.

The genres you've picked for this piece give some clues as to the meaning of the poem. You've picked "Dark" and "Experience" as well as "Mystery". It makes me curious, as a reader, what this mysterious experience is that you've been through and why it's so dark.

*Cake2* Structure *Cake2*
This is truly a free-verse poem as I didn't find a consistent, ruled structure throughout. Free-verse can be just as difficult to write as writing to a form with specific rules regarding structure. For me, free verse poetry should still focus on a smooth rhythm despite not having that rigid structure.

*PartyHatO* Rhythm *PartyHatO*
Because rhythm is so important, so is the proper use of punctuation. Each type of punctuation used creates a pause, longer pause, or a stop for the reader. You can use these intentional pauses and stops to create the flow you want and also bring emphasis to certain words or phrases that hold especially important meaning.

I'll take the first two lines of your poem as an example.
Sky is white not blue
Winds are dark,daylight false


Technically, there should be a transition word or punctuation between "Sky is white" and "not blue" - There are two different ways you can do this.

Sky is white, not blue

OR

Sky is white and not blue

But you'd also have to consider the lines around it. In this case, the next one. You could punctuate it with the comma as you've done, which mimics the comma you could use in the first example. Or you could write it as:

Winds are dark and not blue

This gives you four different combinations of lines. Both lines using a comma. Both lines using the word "and." Or a combination of comma and "and" lines. The way to choose which is the best is simply to try the various ways of writing the lines and decide which you feel flows the best. Something I do for every poem I write is to read it out loud. The rhythm of the words can be much easier to detect when you're forced to read the words as they are instead of how we perceive them to flow in our minds.

*ConfettiP* Rhyme *ConfettiP*
You do have a couple of instances of rhyme in this poem. They threw me off because I wasn't expecting rhyme in this free-verse poem. If rhyming was established early on, even if it was sporadic, then reading those rhymes wouldn't have been such a surprise. When you mention the lake, to rhyme with "make" I felt like that rhyme was forced and the word "lake" was used only so it could rhyme. In a free-verse poem, the beauty of having no set structure is that rhymes really aren't necessary. You may be able to rewrite this line in a way that still conveys your meaning but flows more naturally with the lines around it.

*GiftP* Imagery/Emotion *GiftP*
Emotion is expressed very powerfully in this poem and it comes "between the lines" with words that are descriptive but also carry an emotional weight to them. When you use the word "false" it creates a sense of being lost. That sense carries its own emotion. You do repeat several of your lines from the first stanza in the second. For me, this reiterates the point you are trying to make. Your poem may benefit from the repetition of other lines as well.

*CandleO* Language *CandleO*
I mentioned that some of the words you use carry an emotional weight as well as giving physical descriptions for the reader. You've done a great job with choosing words that really make an impact.

*Partyhatp* Grammar *Partyhatp*
Most of your lines do not have ending punctuation. You can use punctuation to indicate to the reader when you are asking a question and when you are making an important statement. You can also use punctuation to slow the reader at the end of a line if you want them to pause and take an extra moment to think about what they just read in the last line or two. Your poem could benefit from using punctuation at the end of lines but you may find that it doesn't. The only real way to know is to try it and compare the two versions side by side to determine which you feel is more poignant.

*Balloonb* Personal Thoughts *Balloonb*
Sometimes, when a poem leaves a reader in the dark when it comes to its true meaning, it can be frustrating. I didn't find that to be an issue here. Instead, I found the emotional weight of the words to be more than enough to make this poem satisfying for me. I know I brought up several changes that you might want to consider for this poem and if you decide to try any of them I would be more than happy to come back and read again.

Thank you so much for requesting a review from me. I hope you will consider a future request! Write On!

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7
7
Review of The Jester  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, πŸ›Έ Sum1 πŸ—Ώ ! My name is β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜… and I am stopping by your port today because I am cooking up a recipe at the "Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party!

I really enjoyed your poem, "The Jester! These are my thoughts... Please take what you can use to better the piece. If you make any changes, I would love to re-read.

*GiftY* Title, Subject, and Genre *GiftY*
The title is very simple and you've not given away too much with the item's description either. I believe what drew me in to read this piece was that there was an entire folder dedicated to this character's poems. I can tell you I will definitely be back to read more of this character's experiences after reading this narrative poem. While you may have chosen only one genre for this piece on purpose (Emotional), I feel like you would reach a far wider audience if you were to use the other two genre choices available. I feel that both Tragedy and Inspirational would fit, perhaps Drama? I don't want to give away that ending, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to either with revealing genres, but then again, tragedy is always a part of a jester's act in one way or another.

*Cake2* Structure *Cake2*
I love the structure of this piece. Even at stanza breaks, the story continues on to the next at times. However, the breaks don't stop the story. They don't get in the way. You've chosen a simple form of a-a-b-b rhyming quatrains with lines that are of similar length. The simplicity keeps the focus, I think, on the subject of the poem.

*PartyHatO* Rhythm *PartyHatO*
Most of your lines have a natural pause somewhere around the middle of the line. While I did notice some of the lines that didn't or the lines where the pause was closer to the beginning or end of the line, these inconsistencies didn't stick out to the point where it interfered with the story at all.

*ConfettiP* Rhyme *ConfettiP*
I love the a-a-b-b rhyme pattern. Keeping the two rhyming lines together in each stanza, I feel, really put the emphasis on the rhyming that was there without making the poem about the rhyming. The rhyming was there to serve as a poetic device and it did its job well. Most of that is due to the simpler rhyme pairs that you've used. No reason to try to force complicated words in there and try to make them rhyme, taking the focus off the subject and character.

*GiftP* Imagery/Emotion *GiftP*
I feel the title of my subheading for my review template is perfect for this poem. While the first five stanzas include a TON of imagery, I think more of its purpose with that imagery is for the setup for the emotional blow you deal in the seventh, with the volta being the sixth. This is amazingly well set up for that conclusion. And yes, I'm still getting teary over it. Man, what a conclusion to this piece. I definitely didn't see that coming!

*CandleO* Language *CandleO*
The words you use are simple in that they allow you to tell a story without using overly flowery, classical, or slang-type language. However, you choose words with the emotional impact which I feel was vital to that one-two heartstring tug in the last three stanzas. You didn't try to work in complicated words that wouldn't be understood without an English degree which makes me feel like this story really is just about a simple jester. However, I HAVE to read more about this person and will be coming back to read more.

*Partyhatp* Grammar *Partyhatp*
I only noticed that the last line of the poem doesn't end with a period. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not?

*Balloonb* Personal Thoughts *Balloonb*
Oh. Em. Gee. This is one of the most emotionally impactful poems I've read on WdC, and it's top 5 for all-time. I'd give applause if the subject matter allowed it. You share beauty in your words as well as in the way you've executed your rhyming, the smooth flow of words, and more. I'll be back!

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8
8
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, ! My name is β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜… and I am stopping by your port today because I am cooking up a recipe at the "Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party!

I really enjoyed your poem, {item:}! These are my thoughts... Please take what you can use to better the piece. If you make any changes, I would love to re-read.

*GiftY* Title, Subject, and Genre *GiftY*
I'm from New Mexico so this is something I quite enjoy. The whole wild, wild west is intriguing to me. You've taken a very unique approach to the theme of the piece, with your characters including the Seven Deadly Sins and the Seven Virtues. I love it. However, it really was the title of the poem that forced me to click on this poem and read it. I just had to. With my interest in western culture, who could resist an outlaw ballad, right?

You have this listed under "Western" and "Action/Adventure" but also "Crime/Gangster." I would think that the Crime genre listing doesn't really fit the theme of this piece. Might I suggest either "Religion" or another genre that describes the characters in the piece better? Because your characters aren't typical of a western.

*Cake2* Structure *Cake2*
The three-line stanzas work really well with this ballad as each provides it's own idea, description, etc. While some are longer than others in line length, the consistency of having each stanza with just three lines really brought a more prose-like poetic-ness (is that a word?? *Laugh*) to the ballad.

*PartyHatO* Rhythm *PartyHatO*
Until the day the
Seven were challenged

I think the line break could be changed slightly to improve the flow of this stanza. If the word "the" was moved onto the second line, then the first line would end at a natural pause in speech.

Other than this one instance, I feel that all your line breaks, and especially your stanzas, all end naturally. This makes this poem work very well as a "spoken word poem." After I read this piece to myself, I read it out loud. It truly does read as a narrative, western poem.

*GiftP* Imagery/Emotion *GiftP*
With enough detail in the narrative ballad, it is easy for me to feel for Wrath, or Rath, as he becomes. I felt an emotional connection to him and I felt the loss when he felt loss. You've done a great job conveying the emotion of your main character.

*CandleO* Language *CandleO*
Your language truly does evoke images of the old western movies, and even the tales that have been passed down for centuries about the wild west. Great job!

*Partyhatp* Grammar *Partyhatp*
And saw the man that they found, ~ With a comma at the end of this line, it appears that the thought is over. However, it continues onto the next line without pause. The comma here changes the meaning of your words, in a way.

There are many places where an exclamation mark is used where it seems unnecessary as the words themselves convey the importance. I definitely agree with the exclamation mark at the very end. Exclamation marks are usually used sparingly in poetry, even in narrative poetry such as this, because it should be the words themselves that convey the importance and not necessarily the punctuation. You've done a great job conveying that importance even without the exclamation marks, in my opinion.

You also start each line with a capital letter. Because this poem tells a story, each stanza is almost like its own sentence but written in a more poetic way. You wouldn't have those capital letters in the middle of a traditional sentence so I think the capital letters really tripped me up. You may want to leave the capital letters only for the first letter after an ending punctuation mark like a period.

*Balloonb* Personal Thoughts *Balloonb*
I loved the theme of this piece. You've done a great job producing something that's certainly unique and presenting it in a unique way through a ballad. Great job and Write On!

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9
9
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, Mister E. ! My name is β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜… and I am stopping by your port today because I am cooking up a recipe at the "Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party!

I really enjoyed your item, "The doctors dilemna! These are my thoughts... Please take what you can use to better the piece. If you make any changes, I would love to re-read.

*GiftY* Title, Subject, and Genre *GiftY*
While I was scrolling through your port, it was the title of this piece that really pulled me in and made me want to read it. The subject is a little vague, although I believe that's where the "dilemma" part comes in with the title?

You only have this listed under the genre of "Other." Not only can your item receive more views (and reviews) from readers who are looking for a specific genre, you can also indicate to your reader just what the subject of the story is, by listing appropriate genres. Just a few examples of ones I feel would fit this piece are: Dark, Mystery, Paranormal, Supernatural. However, only you know the real genres behind your work. I'm looking forward to hearing what they are!

*PartyHatO* Character Definition *PartyHatO*
While Greta is the main character here and we see the entire story through her eyes, we really don't get a sense of who she is or what she is like as a person. I think it would really help me, as a reader, to know more about her. Being able to see the characters with at least a minimal amount of physical description would also make it much easier for me to see the events as they unfold.

*ConfettiP* Dialogue *ConfettiP*
There isn't any dialogue in this piece but if you were to change the paraphrasing of what the patient was saying into his actual quoted speech, it would again bring your reader much deeper into the story.

*GiftP* Setting *GiftP*
Seeing more of the waiting room, and more of the kitchen, would pull me into this story more. I would be able to see the action as it's happening, as you are describing it.

*CandleO* Plot/Conflict *CandleO*
The doctor, and then subsequently her husband, are seen as the conflict with Greta. This is very clear. However, what isn't clear is just what that conflict is. In a way, this could create that bigger sense of "dilemma" that you mention in the title.

*Partyhatp* Grammar *Partyhatp*
This piece, even though it's short, does have a fair few grammatical issues. If you'd like, I can point out a few of them via email outside of the review? I understand if that's not your priority though. Creativity is ALWAYS the priority in short story writing!

*Balloonb* Final Thoughts *Balloonb*
I think that description is the best thing for this piece. Descriptions of the doctor's office waiting room, the kitchen, each of the characters, etc. can really create a much more relatable short story, I think. I look forward to hearing your own thoughts about this story. Write On!

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10
10
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Greg M ! My name is β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜… and I am stopping by your port today because I am cooking up a recipe at the "Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party!

I really enjoyed your item, "I Don't Really Know Why! These are my thoughts... Please take what you can use to better the piece. If you make any changes, I would love to re-read.

*GiftY* Title, Subject, and Genre *GiftY*
Your title isn't only a hook to bring me in, as a reader. It's also very thought-provoking. It made me immediately read the item's description, which intrigued me even more. I felt like I needed to get to know this person as well, but through your eyes. And then, of course, understand what you didn't know.

You have this listed under "Emotional" and "Relationship" as well as "Family." All three genres fit this item perfectly.

*Cake2* Intro Paragraph/Conclusion *Cake2*
In this instance, your introductory and concluding "paragraphs" are both just one sentence long, and they are both the SAME sentence. I feel that this strategy worked really well to both bring the reader in with your thoughts and then leave them with your thoughts as they very clearly changed with your experience at the funeral.

*PartyHatO* Character Definition *PartyHatO*
This piece is very, very short. However, you've managed to describe your sister (to some extent), as well as your brother and brother-in-law. Your own character also comes through in this narrative. I felt as if the characterization of your family was shown to me, as a reader, as if I had met everyone myself, instead of being told who they are and what they are like.

*GiftP* Setting *GiftP*
We really don't see any setting in this monologue except for the funeral. Even that, it doesn't really take center stage, so to speak. However, I think this works very well to shift the focus onto the people involved and not necessarily on when, where, and what happened.

*CandleO* Plot/Conflict *CandleO*
The conflict is very clearly an internal struggle for you. You have brought this struggle to your reader in a way that it's easy to relate to. I believe every person in a family has that one person that they just aren't very close to, and sometimes it can present a conflict should the worst happen. I'm willing to bet that your brother, who was so close to your brother-in-law, isn't as close with a different family member. However, when things like this come up, it can also sometimes be a blessing in that it can create a stronger bond with ALL family members... Of course, this is based on my personal experiences with deaths in the family and may not necessarily reflect your own experiences. But I thought I would share what resonated with me in your monologue.

*Partyhatp* Grammar *Partyhatp*
I noticed no grammatical errors in this piece. Well done!

*Balloonb* Final Thoughts *Balloonb*
This is a monologue that I can relate to in that I've had similar internal conflicts, like I mentioned above. However, I feel as if you've conveyed your struggle in a way that many readers can relate to even if they haven't experienced this sort of thing. I think the most poignant parts of this monologue are the intro and conclusion sentences that have completely different meanings by the time you get to the end of the piece. Well done, Write On, and I look forward to reading more of your work!

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11
11
Review of "Some days"  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Bubblegum Jones ! My name is β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜… and I am stopping by your port today because you have an account anniversary TODAY!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


I really enjoyed your poem, {item:}! These are my thoughts... Please take what you can use to better the piece. If you make any changes, I would love to re-read.

Title, Subject, and Genre
It was the title that caught my eye as I was scrolling through your port. Because, well, some days are good and some days are bad, so I wanted to see what you had to say about them! You didn't let me down with the theme of the poem and I was quite impressed with this piece. You have it listed under "Entertainment" and "Tribute". I'm not sure if the Tribute genre really fits this piece. Perhaps Experience? Or Personal? If you add another genre to the third choice instead of leaving it as "Other" you might also show up in more searches and receive more reviews! Just something to think about. *Smile*

Structure
I LOVE the unique structure of this. I've never seen a poem where every single line started with the same three words. Especially when there are a total of nearly 30 lines! You've been really, really creative with this piece when it comes to structuring.

Rhythm
I believe it's the repetition that creates a very fast pace when it comes to rhythm. I read it out loud and it reminded me of a Dr. Seuss story ina lot of ways. Kind of like One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish!

Rhyme
You keep to an a-b-c-b rhyme pattern throughout this piece and it really helps with the structure and rhythm as well. Great job! Some of your rhyme pairs are pretty unique, too. I think I love the rhyming pair in the final stanza the most.

Imagery/Emotion
The emotional connection, at least for me, comes from being able to relate to this poem so well. I think everyone can relate to this because no one is immune from the bad days but even those who are going through a rough time could be reminded of the fact that there are always good days hidden among the bad ones. That's what this poem ultimately shows me. There are good and bad days always.

Language
Your language is consistent with the repetition of "Some days are" and of course with the rhyming as well. Great job!

Grammar
I found no grammatical issues in this piece. I love that you ended the last line with an exclamation mark when no other lines use punctuation. This made it really stand out to me and ending it with "some days are crazy!" certainly brought a laugh. How true!

Personal Thoughts
I absolutely love this poem. So simple but also so creative! Happy Account Anniversary and Write On!

If you would like to know more about my in-depth reviews and how I calculate a rating, please see:
 
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12
12
Review of Are We There Yet?  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, 2208910!

I found your item listed on the "The Shameless "Plug" Page. I hope this review is helpful and encouraging and is what you were looking for when you posted your item for review. I always invite questions about my reviews and if you DO make any changes to your item, feel free to let me know. I don't mind reading it again!

Ready for your review??

Genre
You have this listed under "Parenting" and "Family" as well as "Sports." All of these fit very well with this piece.

Grammatical Errors
β€œMove over, Loser” came the retort. ~ I can't say this for sure, but I believe there should be a comma AFTER "Loser" as well as before it

and watched the football on TV ~ Insert "game" after "football"

question; β€œWhat do we have to eat?”. ~ Change the semicolon to a comma, remove the period at the end of the sentence (the question mark is all that's needed - there are several other instances of this throughout the piece)

β€œNothing mate. ~ Insert a comma after "nothing"

or something once we get there”, ~ The comma should be inside the quotation mark (there are more instances of this throughout the piece)

with his boys with less-than-relaxing visions ~ "boys" shoud have an apostrophe at the end - boys'

β€œTurn it down Dad, it’s too loud!” ~ The sentence should read: "Turn it down, Dad! It's too loud!

and it looks a really good one ~ This might be worded based on your location and speech, but I feel like it should say "looks LIKE a really good one" or "looks TO BE a really good one"

We got in the car to go, and straight away ~ You can remove this comma

It was a waste of time, and now ~ You can remove this comma

β€œWho’s playing?, ~ You're missing a quotation mark at the end of this question

These are the grammatical issues I've noticed. I hope this helps to create a smoother flowing narrative for yoU!

Plot
This is a unique story with the different perspectives that you give. I do feel that having Joel's perspective as well would make the story feel a little more complete. I would be eager to read about this encounter from his side as well.

Character Definition
The character that really stood out for me was Des. He seemed to be the main character of this narrative and while I got a sense of him and his character prior to his lecture to the kids about why he's dedicated to the Tigers. I loved getting to know more about him and being able to connect with this character on a deeper level. I think this deeper understanding of Des also comes in a great place in the context of the story.

I also love getting to know Michael more through this perspective of this encounter in the car. Because it's through his own words, I was able to relate to him a lot more at that point in the story. If you were to include Joel's perspective as well, your readers would be able to get to know him more as well, through his own character definition.

Descriptions
There is one short paragraph that really stood out for me. The short sentences are very different from your writing in other paragraphs. Each idea, written as short, short sentences, really helps to portray the constantly changing thoughts of boredom that Des is thinking. This paragraph is:

Des, alone with his thoughts. Two minutes gone. Can’t stand the quiet. Radio on. Same old songs, not in the mood. Switch to CD. The Cat Empire’s latest offering begins blaring from the speakers.

You've done wonderful with the small details that really make me feel like I'm in there in the car with them.

Overall Impressions
Other than fixing the grammatical issues that I've mentioned above and then adding in Joel's perspective, I really don't see much else that would improve this piece. You've done a great job!


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When You've Gotten A Review From Me  [E]
A simplified breakdown of just what a review from me entails.
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13
13
Review of Dried Flowers  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, πŸŒ“ HuntersMoon }! My name is β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜… and I am stopping by your port today because you have an anniversary this month! Eleven years goes by super fast, huh?!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


I really enjoyed your poem, {item:}! These are my thoughts... Please take what you can use to better the piece. If you make any changes, I would love to re-read.


Title & Subject
While I found this poem through the "Read and Review" feature and didn't notice the title in a search, I still feel this title is powerful in its simplicity. It's so unique that, as a poet myself, I was immediately curious about the theme of the poem and was eager to read.

The theme is deep! To compare a woman's hope of a life of love and happiness to dried flowers, nearly forgotten but not discarded, is something that certainly stirs the emotions.

Stanzas & Lines
I love the creativity you've shown with the use of indented lines as well as stanzas and lines that vary in length. Even with these variations, you've found a wonderful flow from start to finish. I read this out loud as a spoken word piece and with the slower speed of the words, it seemed to give the theme even more emotional impact.

Imagery
It's your use of words that convey powerful images but also have a strong emotional impact as well that have made this piece stand out. Words like mask, desert, evaporate, withers... these are stand out to me as words that have helped paint a very vivid image in my mind but have also dealt an emotional blow.

Emotion
While the exact emotions you are describing in this poem may not be common enough where most of your readers can relate to them on a personal level, you've done a fantastic job of conveying the emotions so that even readers who haven't felt them personally sure have felt them after reading this poem!

Grammar
I found no grammatical errors in your poem itself. However, you are missing a closing parenthesis in your "thank you" at the bottom. Just thought I would point that out. *Smile*

Personal Thoughts
It's not very often that I read a poem that is so eloquently written that really tugs the heartstrings. Of course, if I ever want to I guess I should just visit your port??? Haha! Happy Account Anniversary and Write On!

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14
14
Review of Kissy Castle  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, πŸ”₯Kissy's in a TizzyπŸ”₯ !

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


I can't believe your folder, "Kissy Castle, has no stars on it! I definitely have to fix that. This folder is filled with all of your creativity, pieces of your life, and many of your connections to the WdC community. While I have only reviewed one of your poems (so far!), I plan on returning very soon to read more of your work. After all, poetry is only one part of your expansive portfolio so I should go visit your fiction and non-fiction as well!

Good luck with all of your creative writing and WdC adventures!


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15
15
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Dave ! My name is β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜… and I am stopping by your port today because you have an anniversary this month! Congrats on 14 years on WdC

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


I really enjoyed your poem, "Christmas In the Navy! These are my thoughts... Please take what you can use to better the piece. If you make any changes, I would love to re-read.


Title & Subject
I liked the title, which is what drew me in to read this poem. However, I think that the concept of this being a letter home from a sailor should be the focus of the title. Still, I feel this is a slight change that may improve the chances of readers clicking on the poem to read it and not necessarily a factor that affects the poem itself.

The theme of the poem really resonates with me as my dad was in the Navy. While this was long before I was born, it gives me a sense of what he might have written home during the holidays that he spent on the aircraft carrier.

Rhythm & Flow
Sometimes writing to a specific form can help create a smooth flow and sometimes it can hinder it, making it harder to find your rhythm. I've found this form difficult, at times, when trying to find my rhythm. But you made it look effortless in this piece!

Rhyme & Meter
While meter isn't specified for this form, the syllable count certainly is but you did very well with this restriction. Your rhymes are unique, such as the use of the word "austere."

Imagery
What wonderful imagery! I love the moving picture I saw with the "display" f ocean spray. Absolutely beautiful.

Emotion
It's the melancholy mood that first struck me when reading this. This sailor is away from home for the holiday and it is certainly felt when reading.

Language
I love your use of the word austere. However, I feel that some readers may not understand the meaning of it. Perhaps you could use a popnote to give the definition of the word?

Grammar
I found no grammatical errors in this piece. Well done!

Personal Thoughts
I felt a personal connection with this piece. In such a short poem, you've expressed such strong emotions, and also evoked beautiful images that create a somber and somewhat depression backdrop of emotions. Thank you so much for sharing your work as it's been a delight to read it. Write On!

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16
16
Review of I Am New  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Rhoswen - Goal Reacher ! My name is β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜… and I am stopping by your port today because you have an anniversary this month!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


I really enjoyed your poem, "I Am New! I felt a deep connection with the message due to my own very new relationship with God and how He's changed my life... and made me new. These are my thoughts... Please take what you can use to better the piece. If you make any changes, I would love to re-read.

Title & Subject
I had scrolled your port for a bit to get a sense of what you like to write. Once I got to your Faith folder, I knew I would find something great to review... and I did.

The title of this poem immediately pulled me in. I feel very much made anew with a renewed faith. My entire life seems new but it's probably just my view of it that's new. I wanted to know how you felt being made anew or at least feeling that way with His love. You didn't disappoint with such a wonderful and heartfelt message.

Stanzas & Lines
I absolutely LOVE quatrains and you have used them well here. They are the perfect size to express an idea in a short "paragraph," if you will. Your lines are all consistent in length which helps in other ways. But your line breaks all occur at natural pauses in speech. I believe that's why this poem rang so beautifully when I read it out loud.

Rhythm & Flow
You've started with a smooth flow and maintained it throughout. Even when read aloud, I didn't find anything that hiccuped on certain words or lines.

Rhyme & Meter
You don't use rhyme in these quatrains but I didn't even notice until this section of the review came up and I had to question if I had really seen and heard any rhymes or not. Rhymes are certainly not necessary in any poem, but they are sometimes used to create a poetic feeling and sound. You didn't need ANY help pulling that off without the use of rhyme.

Imagery
Such beautiful imagery but even stronger and more powerful emotions that you describe in this piece as you tell of your relationship with God and how He has changed you.

Emotion
It's the emotion in this piece that really hit me. But it wasn't only YOUR emotion that you describe through the poem. I have felt this way very recently so I think it was the combination between your expressed emotions and my own that were lying just beneath the surface that really created a powerful impact emotionally for me.

Language
Your word choices are simple. This is excellent because it will relate to a lot of people. Many readers will be able to follow along and feel those same emotions without anything being so poetic and linguistic that it's over their heads. In a poem like this, where I feel SO many people will benefit from it, I think that's perfect.

Grammar
I found no grammatical errors in this piece. Well done!

Personal Thoughts
Such a beautiful piece. So emotional. I'm so glad you shared these feelings in your poetry and I'm even happier that I got to read them. I don't think that I would have been able to express these new feelings, just like yours expressed here, anywhere near as eloquently. Thank you!

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17
17
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Schnujo !

We've been talking a lot about "The Contest Challenge the last day or so. I wanted to send you my thoughts through a review so you can always go back to the item tools to find it! Ready for your review??

Examples
I love the two short examples of how to write an entry post for the challenge. I know there wasn't a mention of there being an example farther down the page in the Short & Sweet Rules and I didn't see this mentioned in the Extended Rules (but that doesn't mean it's not there, lol). These examples are GREAT! I was wondering if creating a pinned post in the forum with those examples might also be a good idea? I know that pinned posts can offer entrants a lot of information and a pinned post might get more attention than the small examples at the bottom of the forum.

Text Color
You've done a great job using text, color, and WritingML to make each section stand out. But from the Prizes section and below, everything is blue and there are several sections there that could benefit from standing on their own. This would be especially important for the list of current participants and the lists of past contests. Those are sections that I think many people would be looking for regularly.

Section Headers
Not only can you use the changes in text color near the bottom of the forum, you could also use headers like you've used in several places farther up. I think the Extended Rules should have a header similar to the Short & Sweet Version at the top, especially since reading these are super, super important. Perhaps a header image instead of WritingML text before the dropdown of the winners to help bring attention to their achievements?

Short & Sweet Version of the Rules
The only thing mentioned in the shorter version of the rules was that a little confusing to me (or would be if I didn't already know how to) was how to post an entry. You mention they have to post, and you give the WritingML for linking to a post, but some may not realize they are linking to the post where their entry to the featured contest has been submitted, and not their written item. Perhaps this can also be written in a "short and sweet" way so it can be clarified but not be wordy?

Overall Impressions
This is an awesome contest that I've enjoyed for a long time now. I hope this feedback helps?? Let me know if it's caused any questions, or if you just have any! Write On and thank you so much for running such a fun and motivating activity for the members of WdC!


If you would like to know more about my in-depth reviews and how I calculate a rating, please see:
 
When You've Gotten A Review From Me  [E]
A simplified breakdown of just what a review from me entails.
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18
18
Review of Happy Birthday  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, BusmanPoet !

Thank you so much for sharing a link to your poem, "Happy Birthday! I really appreciate the opportunity to provide my thoughts as a reader. Ready for your review??

Title/Theme
The title is very basic. It really doesn't say much about the theme of the poem itself. Even if you were to add an idea of who you were wishing a happy birthday to into the title, it would help personalize the title and make it more enticing for readers.

The theme of finding new playmates for your lonely kitty is a noble one and I think you've described the actions taken in a very succint way. However, I think that the same noble-ness can be worked into the theme much more strongly should you pull in your reader's emotions.

Imagery
The only really strong imagery that I found, that also carried with it a strong emotion, was the line, "as her heart continuously cried." However, I found other areas of the poem that would be great places to expound on the physical imagery and actions as well as the emotional investment in those actions.

For example, take the line, "We went looking throughout" - the word "looking" is just a verb. You could have been looking for a lost shoe or spare change. However, when you consider the word "searching" or perhaps "seeking" then you add an element of importance to your actions.

Another way you can bring your readers into the poem emotionally is to give a sense of physical recognition to these cats. Even if you only mention the color of their fur, the color of their eyes, or perhaps a unique feature of their physical appearance or personality, you invite your readers to get to know Mitzy, Monty, and Jacqui much better than just by name.

Rhythm/Flow
Through the first four stanzas, I had found a flow that felt like a "spoken word" poem rather than a lyrical one. This is quite common in narrative poems like this and I found the rhythm of the speaking had pulled me in. However, starting with the fifth stanza, the rhythm I had found in reading your words had changed quite suddenly.

Drastic changes in line length can be a useful device when writing poetry if used correctly. However, once you've established consistency in line length (or in any poetic device including rhyme), it can be jarring for a reader when the line length suddenly changes. Stanzas five and seven both use much longer lines to express their ideas. These ideas could easily be separated into shorter quatrains that could each incorporate even more detail that would pull in your reader emotionally.

Rhyme
You keep to an a-b-c-b rhyme pattern for each stanza except for the fifth and seventh. This is another consistency that you establish early on and keep throughout the poem that then changes and is quite apparent to the reader. Many of your rhyme pairs, like mean/obscene and died/cried are used very well and don't feel forced. However, some other rhyme pairs read as if the rhyming line was written in a way only to create the rhyme and not necessarily to add important details or to maintain the rhythm of the words. It can be much easier to hear rhymes that might be forced into position instead of used more naturally by reading your poem out loud, even if in an empty room. I advocate this practice for any writer, for both poetry and prose. You'd be amazed at how different you perceive your words when you speak them out loud.

Structure
There really isn't a consistent use of quatrains from beginning to end, although the first several stanzas seem to suggest there will be consistency throughout.

I think this poem could be written in many ways, all using the same information and some of the same lines or phrases you already have. Perhaps you can try to structure it with strict short lines and a-b-c-b rhyming, or perhaps you could alternate short-lined stanzas with long-lined stanzas going back and forth and also alternate the rhyming pattern between the two. Another alternative would be to write this poem as a true free verse poem without specific use of rhyming, or even of line and stanza length. With free verse, you could express a single idea in each stanza and create line breaks where there would be natural pauses in speech.

Trying the same poem out with several different structures is something I've done on several occasions. Not only can this be a fun writing exercise as you learn more about the formatting and structure of your words, as you work with each structure, but you can also sometimes come up with additional insights that can be worked into the final poem.

Diction (Word Choice)
I mentioned using the word "searching" instead of "looking" when discussing Imagery above. This is only one example of how the right word can help create a more emotional response in your reader. I love the use of the word "rescue" in the fourth stanza. It's words like this that describe your actions physically but have an emotional impact as well.

One area where I think the wording could be used to describe the action of the narrative poem, bring in strong emotion, and perhaps say things more succinctly, is when you describe euthanasia in the fifth stanza. You say that it's "heartbreakingly mean" which is very accurate, but it's also a pretty long phrase to use in such a short poem. Instead, perhaps a phrase that uses words like tragic, put down, appalling, fateful, a life destroyed, etc. If you wanted to bring in even stronger words, there's always murdered, slayn, assassinated, etc. Your word choice would depend on how strongly you want to express your feelings on the topic and how strongly you want your readers to feel about these two kitties being rescued from such a fate.

Grammar
Monty and Jacqui we’re ~ "we're" should be "were"

In 2016's leap year day ~ "In" should be "On"

3 months had passed ~ "3" should be "Three" (only because it's the beginning of a line)

We went looking throughout ~ "throughout" can be simplified to "through"

Punctuation used in poetry should still be used just as it is in prose writing. A comma separates phrases (or can be used to create a longer pause) and a period is used at the end of a complete thought or idea. For example, the second and fourth lines of the first two stanzas end in periods. However, the second lines are not the end of that thought. If these poetic lines were written as one sentence, there wouldn't be a period in these places. This makes the thought that continues onto lines three and four seem disjointed.

I found no misspellings, but punctuation can make or break the flow of a poem as well as how the images and ideas are related to the reader. Just as with the rhythm and flow, it can be much easier to notice where punctuation should or shouldn't be by reading the poem out loud.

Most Liked
We went looking throughout
all the shelters we knew.
Until we came to PARL
to rescue these two.


This stanza is the turning point in the narrative poem. Instead of focusing on the death of Big Jack and then the suffering of his companion as she is left behind, your reader is now given the hope that you have indeed found new feline friends for Mitzy. As a poetic device, the turning point of a poem is also called the volta. You've done a great job making sure your readers feel that there is indeed a happy ending to the story.

Personal Thoughts
There is a lot of emotion in this poem that's hiding just below the surface of the words and I would love to see that emotion communicated to your readers in a powerful way. To me, I see the action that's being described in this narrative poem as the strong bones on which you can build that emotional connection with readers. I loved getting to know more about your relationship with your cats and how you've cared for them (in addition to those you check up on that aren't your own). Please feel free to let me know if you've decided to make any changes and I would love to read the piece again. Also, please let me know if you have any questions about my review or the comments I've made. I hope you've found this review helpful!


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19
19
Review of The Snow Queen  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, Cubby ~ No Place Like Home! !

My name is β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜… and this review is part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group WINTER FUN REVIEW RAID! Ready for your review??

*Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1* Title/Theme *Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1*

Your title could be taken several different ways. Before I clicked on it, I wondered if this Snow Queen would be a noble, royal queen of the winter season or a woman with an icy heart. I just had to find out! The theme is a strong one as you describe this woman and what has turned her into a Snow Queen.

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Every single line in this poem, even with just two to three words, adds so much description and emotional power to this poem. For example, the lines "so passionate" and "seduction of" each only have two words but you've used powerful words.

*Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1* Rhythm/Flow *Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1*

This poem flows very smooth but also VERY fast. With such short lines and written as one stanza, the reader is quickly taken from one line to the next, from one detail to the next. Since each line includes more information, whether in the form of physical imagery or emotional description, this poem is quite the ride.

*Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1* Rhyme *Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1*

Even though this poem is written as one stanza, it still keeps to an a-b-c-b rhyme pattern. This rhyme pattern gives it a lyrical quality that I found gave more power to the lines as well.

*Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1* Structure *Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1*

Such a simple structure but one that matches your theme perfectly. The idea of a woman being hurt and turning into a Snow Queen (or other icy or emotion-less person) is simple. Most of us know the stories, or at least the stereotypical ones. So instead of you focusing on the entire story will unnecessary details, you've described her physical and emotional state after the hurt.

*Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1* Diction (Word Choice) *Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1*

Such powerful words you've chosen for this piece. The lines are short but you've picked the strongest words possible for each one. Words like "bittersweet" and "passionate" as well as "vengeance" and "attacking" really bring this Snow Queen alive for me as a reader.

*Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1* Grammar *Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1*

I found no grammatical errors in this piece. Well done!

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I don't want to give away the ending for anyone else who may want to read this poem (and I highly recommend it!) so I won't quote it. But the ending of this poem is still stuck with me! The flow is spot on, it's powerful, and it's the perfect conclusion to this piece.

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This is an excellent poem and I can see why it's already been gifted an AwardIcon. It certainly deserves it! I'm so glad I stumbled upon this poem and had a chance to read and review it. Write On!


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20
20
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, BusmanPoet !

My name is β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜… and this review is part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group WINTER FUN REVIEW RAID! Ready for your review??

*Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1* Title/Theme *Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1*

As a lover of cats, and human momma to two of my own, the title and description of this poem pulled me in. I used to live in Vermont where snow is a winter way of life. The first few winters there, I saw those signs of stray cats and other animals who took shelter around my home. My first instinct was to bring them all inside and cuddle and love them forever (yes, I was upset when I couldn't!) but eventually I realized that these animals have lived in the outdoors of Vermont and all the ruggedness of it from day 1 so they knew how to take care of themselves. I still worried about them, of course, but I looked for their newest sets of paw prints as evidence that they were doing well despite the weather. I haven't lived in Vermont for several years and the stray cats in the New Mexico desert face much different perils, but your poem reminded me of all those years looking for paw prints in the snow.

*Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1* Imagery *Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1*

With the images you describe in this poem, it's easy to see you and your family walking around to track down the paw prints and follow them, to check on this mother and her kittens. While the exact emotions aren't stated, it's easy to feel the connection you have with animals and it's easy to see your caring nature as you seek out these cats who left their prints. Because of the emotional slant to the physical imagery, this poem packs a powerful emotional punch for me.

*Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1* Rhythm/Flow *Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1*

I found it difficult to establish a smooth rhythm while I was reading this poem. I always read poetry silently to myself as well as aloud, even just in my empty office. Sometimes it's the way we read that effect the rhythm that's created. However, I still wasn't able to find a smooth rhythm.

I wanted to point out an example of two lines that flowed very well for me:
It glistens ever so brightly
as the sun starts to show.


The break between the two lines occurs at a place where there is a natural pause, even a short one, in natural speech. The line break also places emphasis on the word "brightly" because it is the ending word. Those words at the end of lines seem to give more to the poem in some instances.

Two lines that threw off the rhythm for me:
Getting desperate in finding them
while snowing, becoming icy cold.


The first line is written with awkward speech. Instead of saying that you are desperate in finding them, perhaps a simpler, and smoother, way of phrasing that would be, "Our search getting/becoming desperate". The second line is a continuation of the first without any natural break or pause in the phrasing. This can sometimes be called enjambment (a term for that poetry writing technique). However, there are two separate phrases now within the second line. The first phrase "belongs to" the first line because it finishes that thought.

Enjambment can be a tricky device, especially in poems with short lines like these ones. What I suggest is creating a two-line thought in a similar way to the first example I pointed out, but one that doesn't remove any of the information you are trying to convey to the readers. You have millions of ways in which to write these lines, but this is just one example I've thought up: Our search becoming desperate/the heavy snow becoming ice cold.

One reason why these two lines may not flow smoothly is that there are 4 "-ing" words used in just two short lines. Minimizing the repetition of similarly written words like this can help smooth out flow as well.

*Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1* Rhyme *Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1*

Your rhymes are never 100% true rhymes with the exception of the rhyme in the first stanza of snow/show. I feel that if this first rhyme was also a near-rhyme (or not exact) then it could make those close rhymes the standard and not set your reader up with a perfect rhyme in the first stanza and then all the others are near rhymes. There is absolutely nothing wrong with near rhymes when compared to true rhymes, but it's a matter of either consistency so you keep your reader's attention on the theme and words of the poem and not deviations that can be distracting. Using true and near rhymes within the same poem can also be a great poetry writing technique.

*Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1* Structure *Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1*

I love quatrains. I know they are common and many like to break away from them for things that are new, modern, different, etc. BUT! I say that the quatrain has been used for millennia and it's survived this long so it must work in many ways and not just creating a consistent number of lines in each stanza. You've used each stanza of this poem perfectly by using each to present and explain a new idea or thought. Each stanza flows well from one idea to the next until we reach a final stanza a very satisfying conclusion to the poem.

*Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1* Diction (Word Choice) *Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1*

Some of the language in this poem is complicated where it might not need to be. This is most evident with your use of the word "chagrin" in the second stanza. There really aren't any other words that have that level of sophistication to them anywhere else in the poem. The simple language you've chosen for the rest of the poem is more casual and much more relatable to your readers. The casual language also fits the topic of the poem much better.

*Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1* Grammar *Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1*

the freshly fallen snow; ~ Replace semicolon with comma

We saw these tiny paw prints ~ Insert a comma at the end

depressions deep within. ~ Change period to comma

We looked around for awhile ~ Add comma at the end

trudging through the snow; ~ Change semicolon to a comma

Much too our relief we found ~ 'too' should be 'to

their paw prints once again; ~ You could also end this line with a period, indicating the next line starts a new "sentence" if you were writing these lines out end to end like prose

We followed them carefully to ~ The natural pause that separates the words of this line and the line below it is just after 'carefully' so that might be where you want to end the line, then move 'to' to the beginning of the following line

and said, β€œC’mon Lets Go”; ~ Insert a comma after C'mon, Lets should be Let's, Insert a period after Go and before the quotation ends, remove the semicolon

We welcomed them to enter, ~ Remove comma at the end

To this very day, when ~ Since you already know the natural pause occurs where you've placed the comma, that should usually be the place where the line ends and the rest of it would be added to the front of the line below. Even though this would create a really short line followed by a really long line (compared to the line lengths you have throughout the rest of the poem) I think it still improves the flow of this final stanza

Much of grammar in poetry is the same as when writing short stories, essays, or even novels. There's always room to be creative with grammar, but keeping to some basic grammar techniques for poetry will ensure your reader is captivated by your words and not distracted by any unintentional grammar typos. The only way I double-check the grammar of a poem is to read it out loud, even to an empty room. You will be amazed at what your mind missed when you were reading silently!

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Much too our relief we found
their paw prints once again;
We followed them carefully to
see where they may end.


This stanza gave me, as a reader, that feeling of everything is going to be okay because they found them! I thought it's placement in the poem, right in the middle, was also perfect. You start your conflict resolution where you have plenty of time to reflect on it before ending your poem, and that's just what you did later on as well.

*Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1* Personal Thoughts *Snow1* *Bullet* *Snow1*

This is such an uplifting mini-movie in my head. I hope my suggestions for improvement are helpful. If you have any questions about my review or if you may any changes and you'd like me to read it again, please feel free to let me know that too! Thank you so much for letting me into your port today to find this gem. I hope to be back to read more! Write On!


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21
21
Review of Natural Zombies  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
Hello, Angelica Weatherby goals on. !

I'm dropping by on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army. I hope you find this review helpful. Remember, I am one reader among many. Please feel free to ask any questions you have as well!

Ready for your review of "Natural Zombies??

*Angel* Title/Theme
The title of the poem is what caught my attention, and then the low rating. I know that a while back there were several contests that were looking for 1-star items instead of the highest they could be. I haven't seen any in a while so I'm really glad to have found this!

The theme of the poem is consistent, telling about zombie's effect on nature and in a more subtle way, nature's effects on the zombies. It was a strange, but awesome, connection. I like the unique twist!

*Angel* Imagery
It's lines like "trees shudder and wilt" that really bring your reader into the vision you were creating. While this is done in a simple way, it's effective.

*Angel* Rhythm/Flow
I don't think this poem is supposed to flow. Is that right? I read this more as I was "talking" to someone, one line at a time, instead of reading a poem. Oddly, this works really well considering it's supposed to be a 1-star poem!

*Angel* Rhyme
No rhyming in this piece.

*Angel* Structure
I like the consistency with three lines in each stanza. It helped to break up the different scenes you were creating, almost like paragraphs would do.

*Angel* Diction (Word Choice)
Very simple word choice. It's perfect for this piece!

*Angel* Grammar
Trees shudders and wilts ~ This should read "Trees shudder and wilt" or "The tree shudders and wilts"

The punctuation you provide is not very consistent. While each line seems to be its own thought, the periods only show up at the very end of each stanza. I think the poem would do even better as a 1-star poem if punctuation was eliminated altogether. What are your thoughts on this?

*Angel* Most Liked
a brain a day for a feast

This line literally had me visualizing a cartoon zombie chomping on a brain with a whole fridge of brains for later. Love it! *Laugh*

*Angel* Personal Thoughts
This is a funny poem in the matter-of-fact way that it's written. Like this is just normal, everyday life. Do you know if there are any other 1-star poetry contests around or have they all closed up shop? I haven't seen one in a long time.

Great job with this poem! Write On!


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When You've Gotten A Review From Me  [E]
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22
22
Review of Journal/Blog  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns !

Your Secret Santa has gifted you FIVE reviews. This is the first of them. Although this review is technically on the entire journal/blog as a whole, I am focusing my review on the latest entry, "Dealing With My Husband's Memory Loss and my Aging Mother."

Ready for your review??

Genre
You have this journal listed under "Family" and "Personal" as well as "Relationship." While the Relationship genre certainly fits, I think the "Experience" genre fits it a lot better since you are relaying memoirs.

Grammatical Errors
What happened to it? ~ In the line before this, you mention "dentures" which is plural. If there is only one denture it should be "denture"

my husband replied ~ Insert a period at the end of this line.

to put on your dentures because ~ "to put in your denture because"

process, so, I dropped the discussion. ~ Remove the commas before and after "so"

because I have emptied the trash cans ~ delete "have"

that would costs between ~ "costs" should be "cost"

If you'd like me to help you smooth out the grammar and word usage moree thoroughly, please feel free to let me know.

Plot
While I feel saddened for your position as a caregiver for both your husband and you mother, you let me in to see a piece of your world. The "plot" of this little snippet of a memoir perfectly shows both your position and theirs during a really stressful time for everyone involved.

Character Definition
The interactions between you and your husband, and then at the end between your husband and your mother, show the love that still exists so strongly between all of you.

I wish I had seen a bit more of your mother's personality. Perhaps you can tell us how she was in the hospital, or more about her actions when you were driving her everywhere she needed to go. If you use her own dialogue when writing about how you wanted her to move in with you, it might show through a bit more as well.

Descriptions
I love your descriptions of your husband's reaction when you tell him "home is where the heart is" and especially your mother and husband's antics at the dinner table. I'd like to see more of the heartfelt actions that you all take. I think it will show me (and other readers) that even in the face of this struggle everyone still has compassion, care, and love.

Suggestions for Improvement
Other than smoothing out the grammar, I don't think anything else is really necessary. Unless, of course, you wanted to add in those extra details I mentioned.

Overall Impressions
I like that I was able to see a piece of your life, even if it isn't all rainbows and unicorns. It shows humanity and humility. Thank you for requesting a review of this piece in particular.


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When You've Gotten A Review From Me  [E]
A simplified breakdown of just what a review from me entails.
by β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜…


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23
23
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Ray Scrivener !

How could I review everything IN this folder without reviewing the folder itself? I absolutely love these stories of Mikros and Fyla and I can't wait to return when you've added another!

Thank you so much for sharing these wonderful tales!

Genre
You have this listed under "Horror/Scary" and "Action/Adventure" as well as "Fantasy." I think Horror/Scary and Fantasy fit very well. The Action/Adventure genre choice fits the theme of the stories to a degree but I think the "Dark" genre would fit better.

Grammatical Errors
I found no grammatical errors in the title of the folder, the description of it, or the short blurb within the folder itself.

Descriptions
I'd like to see more information in the folder itself. Perhaps you could write something like a "blurb" or a "synopsis" that you would see describing a book. In that way, you can really get readers pumped to read these stories... and they should be! They are amazing!

Suggestions for Improvement
Are you able to use images? Perhaps you can purchase a header image with the name of the folder on it to use as a heading within the folder (or you can make one yourself if you are handy enough).

Overall Impressions
Thank you SO much for sharing these stories with me. I truly did enjoy them and I hope to read more of them soon. Please share!


If you would like to know more about my in-depth reviews and how I calculate a rating, please see:
 
When You've Gotten A Review From Me  [E]
A simplified breakdown of just what a review from me entails.
by β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜…


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24
24
Review of Dryads and Dogs  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Ray Scrivener !

I am now reviewing the third and final "installment" with the folder you requested a review of. I can't wait to sink my teeth into another Mikros story!

Ready for your review??

Genre
You have this listed under the genres of "Horror/Scary" and "Paranormal" as well as "Dark." All of these fit the piece perfectly. Great job!

Grammatical Errors
Nothing could withstand his might, plants and insects alike ~ The comma should be a semi-colon

putting hands behind his head. ~ Since the next line is an italicized thought-quote, the period should be a comma.

That is true, child. ~ "child" should be capitalized as it is referring directly to Mikros, a proper noun.

She smelt like moss and sweet grass. ~ I know this could be a regional difference but I wanted to point it out nonetheless. "to smelt" means to melt metal so I think you meant "smelled" here.

bearing the heavy red fruit. ~ There should be a comma between the two adjectives, heavy and read

Mikros gave his heartful appreciation as well. ~ The traditional phrase uses "heartfelt" and not "heartful". I think you were intentionally using a different word but with it so close to the original, it looks more like a mistake. I also think that there may be a stronger word that can better convey the emotion while still being unique.

It was only after she'd gone, that Mikros ~ The comma should be removed.

Fyla is going to skin me alive. ~ Because you continue the line with a description of how this was said, the period within the quote should be a comma

Remember to start a new paragraph every time the person talking/thinking changes or when you start describing a different person/place/thing.

The two children watched him eat in fascination. ~ You start a new line here, but there needs to be an extra space to separate the paragraphs.

a darkly glowing orb. ~ You start a new line after this but there needs to be another line break to separate the paragraphs.

Many of these things, like missing paragraph breaks and proper nouns that need capitalization, continue throughout. Sometimes it can help to notice them if you read the work out loud because it forces you to read it as it is written instead of how you intended to write it, and it forces you to use the punctuation you've added.

Plot
I love that we are seeing a lot more of Mikros. The character definition is good, but you do it through a plot in which he learns something. This is a very important piece in the works of Mikros, I do believe.

Character Definition
You show the reader a new side of Mikros in the emotion he is showing. He's a curious child and it gets him into trouble, as it does any child of his age. Is his age given anywhere? I can't recall. If not you may want to add it as a bit of insight into his maturity level.

While so much of him as a character is defined in this one piece, I think SO much more can be done to make your reader really CONNECT with Mikros: feel his feelings, experience his curiosity, and even learn his same lessons.

Descriptions
While the noonday star burned high in the heavens, a small figure slunk out from a cave. ~ I want to point this opening line out but not for any error. THIS LINE! This is such a great first line and I love it!

I think there needs to be more description/explanation when Mikros starts crying. It feels out of character for him based on the previous two readings, so it must be something very powerful that moves him to tears this way. It's important to allow the reader to feel the same emotion.

Warmth rushed into weak limbs as pure energy swelled through his being. ~ This is another AWESOME description!

There was a deep sigh as the undead animal resumed its eternal slumber. ~ I'm loving some of the descriptions you have in this piece.

There are some awesome descriptions in this piece and a common thread in all these great lines is EMOTION. Great description doesn't just explain what is happening, but allow your reader to feel what that description means. If you can do this throughout the piece, even if it makes it much longer, you will have an emotionally descriptive and powerful piece of writing.

Suggestions for Improvement
My suggestions are to clean up the grammar things (they aren't major but they do contribute to the flow of words), and to go paragraph by paragraph to add in those emotionally-charged descriptors.

Overall Impressions
I really hope there are other Mikros stories coming soon. I can't wait to read them! Please email a link to them, use the Review Request system, or post them in "Krysha's Review Forum! Write On!


If you would like to know more about my in-depth reviews and how I calculate a rating, please see:
 
When You've Gotten A Review From Me  [E]
A simplified breakdown of just what a review from me entails.
by β˜…π’¦π“‡π“Žπ“ˆπ’½π’Άβ˜…


This review is done on behalf of:
Animated image on share for Premium Members


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Ray Scrivener !

This is a review of the next item in the folder of tales you've asked me to review. I'm really looking forward to continuing this story!

Ready for your review??

Genre
You only have this listed under "Horror/Scary" and the other two genre choices are left as "Other." I would choose "Dark" and "Paranormal" for the other two. By adding more genre choices, there are better chances that the right readers will find your items.

Grammatical Errors
stopping only lick savory juices ~ I believe you meant to have the word "to" between "only" and "lick"

β€œDisobedience is not a form of amusement.” Sighing, Mikros waved a hand over the undead rabbit. ~ You will want to start a new paragraph with "Sighing" as the shadow is speaking and then Mikros takes action. A new thought needs a new paragraph I notice this same issue throughout so you might want to have a read-through keeping an eye out for it.

They called him Thanatos, god of death. ~ "god of death" is still referring to Thanatos, which is a name and Proper Noun, so should also be capitalized

You use the phrase "held sway" really close together at this point as well. You may want change one of them to something that holds the same meaning but isn't repetitious.

Crysiphone, golden voice. ~ "golden voice" should be capitalized as a proper noun

I need no protection, she would say. I need only your thoughts to keep me safe. ~ When you have a quote within a quote, such as here, the internal quote still needs to be marked as a quote. While you use double quotation marks for Fyla's words, these words of Crysiphone's should be in single quotation marks.

Pleaded for her to stay ~ "Pleaded" should be "Pleading"

The three paragraphs where Fyla is telling the end of the story... If the next paragraph continues the speech of the first one, you do not need to end the first paragraph with a quotation mark. By not having a quotation mark there, it signals the reader that the same speech continues.

Plot
I love how this piece continues after the short Prologue I read earlier. Mikros still gets in trouble for playing with dead creatures, so it is a theme throughout the piece, I see. However, this appears to be only a scene within a larger chapter. I almost feel I need to know more before we get to the part of Mikros eating his dinner. Perhaps you can shed light on how Mikros acts/plays/stalks/etc? while in the forest? Or maybe how he got his dinner?

Character Definition
The info I suggested you add to the beginning of this story will also help you define Mikros for your readers. While the story of his birth is definitely interesting, and vital to understanding him as a character, there needs to be some details before this so we know whether you feel sorry for him, intrigued by him, scared of him, or all of those things.

Descriptions
I love the descriptions you use in your work. They are very vivid so it is easy to imagine what is taking place in the story, but you leave it up to the reader to determine just how they feel about those actions.

Suggestions for Improvement
I pointed out several types of grammatical errors that repeat through the story. You will want to read through it slowly, watching for those things. Other than that, this piece is written very well from a grammatical standpoint.

The only other suggestion is to add more info to the beginning of the story, setting it up for the story of Mikros' parents. It's important as we need to understand where Mikros plays in the story of his birth. Does he miss his parents and think of them all the time? Does he not care because they've never been there in his life? Something in between? Your readers need clues.

Overall Impressions
This is AWESOME! And I cannot wait to read more. I have one more piece to read in the folder. I guess you'd better get to work! *Laugh* Write On!


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