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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rustika/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
95 Public Reviews Given
97 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
In-depth, wordy, conversational. I don't have a set template but I do try to cover plot, characters, descriptions and personal impact.
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Horror, Mystery, Slice of Life
Least Favorite Genres
Finance, Political
I will not review...
I don't have much experience in analysing poetry. Since I don't want to provide low-quality feedback, I won't be reviewing any verses.
Public Reviews
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Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
An Old Familiar Dream is a story full of regrets and fear. I sincerely loved the atmosphere these feelings had created. It's not just a horror story when it comes to the mysterious, supernatural (or perhaps madness-inducted) events, but a horror story when it comes to human nature. The stronger love is, the faster it can turn to jealousy and hate. It can push to actions that will haunt a person for years to come.

You did well with the small dialogue interjections. All the excuses Dormond made were extremely realistic. They seemed like a mantra, and an interesting one, too. He thinks about 'homes in the Hamptons and Poconos' and 'the 15th floor of his Madison Avenue highrise' along the vague 'charities'. What made me a bit dubious whether it was intentional or not were the two thousand workplaces between 18 plants (which, actually, makes the plant have just above a hundred employees – an extremely small number for any kind of business). With these numbers, he seems to be running a scam business.

Honestly, Dormond seemed to feel guilty only about one murder out of the two. So I wouldn't be surprised if he did run a scam business, hiding behind excuses of good deeds. Despite the guilt and the actions to redeem himself, he didn't seem like a good man. He regretted a lost “love”, not lost lives.

After reading the story, I kept wondering how it could be interpreted not only as a supernatural event but as an earthly, known one. Perhaps the screams were the mark of a man finally giving into his regrets and fever dreams. That would mean that Dormond had kept the dress as some sort of reminder about Sandra. In a way, this version is just as scary as the revenge from the grave one.

Regarding the writing itself, you masterfully used figurative language to deepen the impression. The motif of blooming red roses and the white dress added a nice edge to the events. It served as a good link between memory and the present.

Personally, the lines I loved the most were 'Sandra. The bride. That faithful betrayer. The woman who said, “I love you,” to one man, and “I do,” to another.' It served as a nice hook that hinted both to the reasons of the murder and the protagonist's emotions. Though, in the long run, you negate these words since Sandra's words that she wasn't in love with Dormond and later the idea that her love was lost seem to be stuck in his memory well.

Still, there are some bits that I think could be enhanced. For me, the story lacked the bit that would explain 'why now?' Why did exactly that dream out of so many drove Dormond over the edge (or Sandra out of her grave)? It seemed and was stressed to be like one of the many nightmares of the past. What was out of the norm this time to bring the end to the man? It's difficult to find the – well, if not motivation – then some sort of a pushing force that prompted the beginning of the end.

Your writing is smooth and immersive for the most part. Yet I believe, there are bits that should be revised.

Throughout the story, especially in the beginning, you tend to use the same sentence structure:
He squeezed harder, throttling her as he wept. His tears fell, landing on her bloody, bulging eyes. […] It was breaking, blood seeping through the cracks...
And if not that, usually, you end up with two-part compound sentences:
He saw his face in the reflection of her dying eyes, and it was purple and swelling too. And then she was gone, and Dormond was standing before a great mirror.
Such a structure, in the long run, became monotonous and made the writing feel static.

Similarly, some phrases could use some tightening up. A lot of your sentences are long-running ones. Such as 'At first he thought it was fitted onto one of those torso forms, standing on a post, but when he realized there was no post, it was only floating at the edge of his bed, he began to scream.' Even if you use commas for small stops, such longs sentences lack the rush and tension that shorter ones could create. Don't forget that sentence structure can do a lot when creating emotion as well. Run-on sentences can show a feverish train of thought, but short ones add tension and a sense of urgency in the action. The scream, this time, would be far more impactful with the latter.

In addition, such instances as '...he whispered again, nodding and smoking.' should be revised as well. -ing form indicates simultaneous actions. And whispering, smoking and nodding at the same time feels a bit odd.

Lastly, phrases such as 'until there was a crisp snap', 'there was a door in the corner of the room' or 'behind it there was nothing but darkness ' make the writing feel passive. Try to eliminate 'there was' sentences. 'Nothing but darkness loomed...' or 'a crisp snap rang in the air' make the surroundings feel far more alive.

To sum it up, this was an interesting, eerie story about regrets and excuses that don't always help. It had a nice atmosphere, good links between the past and present. The writing itself, though, could use some polishing. A clearer reason for the 'suicide' happening that night could also be added to delete the impression of a chance event.
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Review of Fran's Father  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Fran's Father is a story about family relationships, about regrets, grudges and dangers of revenge. It's a story that shows a tight bond between a father and a daughter and compellingly adds a mystery and tension elements that test these bonds. I sincerely loved the premise of the story and the idea of how one small misstep can end up haunting a person for years.

The idea to show different instances, at first seemingly not related to each other, that later fall into places like puzzle pieces was an intriguing one. Yet, personally, I believe that chopping the short story into five different segments wasn't the best of choices. It made difficult for the reader to grasp the time frame (especially in the last segment which seemed abrupt, lacking a build-up). I believe that incorporating the flashbacks into dialogue or adding them after conjunction lines such as

“Don’t worry, I’m never going to that house or one like it ever. I still remember when happened to me when I was four.”
Indeed, she did. Fran still recalled the cool fingers of her father's hand when she gripped it after first seeing the house...

would make the story feel smoother than segmenting it with ###.

I'd also highly suggest trimming some phrases down. Your writing, while smooth in general, loses some of the pace and immersion by repetitive descriptions of the situation. For instance:

Thomas walked away as Kyle and his friends started to work on their experiment. They picked up the chemicals in front of them and stared at them. Then they looked at each other and shrugged. Kyle and his friends began looking at the other students and started copying them.
Kyle started the experiment by mixing two chemicals together. […] “I told you not to mix those two together.”

If you take a look at the underlined words, you might see the concerning number of 'looked at' and 'started/began'. The scene looks stagnant with so many similar actions listed one after another. I'd suggest condensing them, getting rid of excessive words such as 'began' and 'together' and adding some descriptions, observations or emotion-related reactions. What made the students stare at the labels on the bottles instead of reading them? Were they difficult to read since the labels were old or stained? Or was it confusion that made them reluctant? What made Kyle and his friends follow specific students? Did some look like they knew what they were doing or was everyone winging it?

This goes to a lot of actions that describe one or other character looking somewhere or at something. Looking alone doesn't help the reader determine what emotion your characters are experiencing or what is on their mind. Sometimes, these actions even make the point of view jump suddenly. For instance:

Fran sounded scared. [her father's observation from another floor] “I know what is happening to this house. That’s why I can’t leave right now.” Fran looked at her surroundings. [Fran's actions from close-up. To top it, they don't give the reader any visual or emotional information] “I can move a little, but I am trapped.”

Facial expressions (frowning, gritting teeth or nostrils flaring instead of a character being told to look angry), highlighting what they see when they look or body language that involves other body parts than eyes might be good ways to enhance the mood. I highly suggest adding more sensory descriptions. Describe the house that Fran and her father were looking at to give it more relevance to the dialogue, for instance.

Or to give 'Suddenly, the house started falling.'{/i] some clarity. This specific scene feels rather choppy. One moment Kyle is walking his daughter into the house, the other, the house is falling (though, the reader can't quite imagine how. Adding more detail and being more specific instead of writing conclusive and broad actions) and Fran is on another floor. The time feels choppy which makes your characters 'teleport' in scenes.

Regarding this scene, I was actually surprised that Fran would walk away from her father. She clearly has stated that she was afraid of the house. A child when afraid is far more likely to seek shelter next to a person they know or throwing a tantrum instead of wandering off to explore.

I've to say that your story seems to lack dialogue tags. Since a lot of authors often go overboard with them, this is, in a way, a nice change. However, the way you use character actions sometimes doesn't help the reader determine the speaker.

Such places like:

A few seconds later her father, Kyle, came running into her bedroom. “What’s wrong? Did you have another bad dream?”
or
Fran slowly looked at her father. “I wanted to tell you this when you were a lot older if ever, but because of your nightmares I think I need to tell you about it now.”

Should use tags respectively since despite the words, it takes time for the reader to understand who starts the dialogue when Kyle comes into the room (he runs, thus, all things considered, Fran as well could have asked 'what's wrong?') or the action of Fran looking at her father next to the dialogue line misdirects the reader to who is talking.

In relation to this, I was slightly put off by the lack of question or exclamation marks. Perhaps it was a stylistic choice, yet it made the dialogue lines feel a bit flat and monotonous. I couldn't get the tone or mood the words were said with as easily as when the punctuation marks other than a full stop are used. I feel no urgency in “Everyone, protect yourself.” or annoyance in “Did you hear what I just told you.”

Regarding your writing's technical side, there are only a couple of small overlooks:

• Fran looked up at her father with a scared[,] worried look on her face.
• If he is there[,] I will take care of it.
• Fran bends [bent] down and grabbed her father by the collar.
• Also, dialogue tags always have noun and verb in this order, thus 'said Thomas' or 'answered Kyle' are not used right. Similarly, 'the voice of Kyle said ' shouldn't be used as well since it's a person and not a voice that says something.

Overall, the story had a unique premise and held an interesting and twisted string of events. Yet, to make the work shine, I'd highly suggest focusing on showing more than it is told (feelings, the relevance of actions, observations), trimming down excessive words and instead of telling about the characters looking at something, describing that something to give it a purpose other than the one dialogue tags should serve.
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Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: E | (4.0)
The Artisan and The Half Elf has caught my eye with its curious fairytale-like title. Thinking about the wood elves and potters (of all things!) I opened the story... and have to say, wasn't disappointed at all.

The setting of a voyage was so nicely described, I could imagine the hustle and bustle vividly. Perhaps a bit of description regarding the five senses and the feeling of being on board (the swaying of the ship, the feeling of the salty wind or a splash of even more salty water) would have added to the image even more. The sole focus on the crew felt a bit too narrow. On the other hand, the feeling of guilt was so very familiar. As one of those people who often feel guilty for being idle when others are working (no matter if I should or shouldn't be so), I felt the connection to the artist straight from the start.

I sincerely loved the dialogue. It had a pleasant dynamic to it. Like a tennis ball being passed from one side of the court to the other, the conversation had a nice pace. The deductive reasoning from the half elf lady was nicely executed! This way of presenting both the artist's background and the half elf's ability was very artful.

Though as someone who has met many artists in my life, I have to say their hands are nothing but smooth. Handling various materials (even when painting) leaves not only many long-lasting stains but also cuts, bruises and a calloused skin. Yet, the whole idea behind your presentation and the smartly placed colours under nails was an enjoyable one.

Talking about the dialogue, while it's not a big issue yet, I do have a warning. You often use the tone (I said in a questioning tone // she asked expectantly // she said in a disappointed tone) or give the conclusion of the character's mental state (she seemed sure of what she said). However, you can enhance this by showing what betrays this confidence or expectations. Body language is a great tool to use in such situations.

My biggest question so far is how does the artist know that the woman is half elf and not an elf or a human (if that's the other parent's race)? What in the world that you have created betrays such heritage?

Since this is just a draft, I won't be pointing out the spelling or punctuation mistakes (though your dialogue punctuation does need some tightening up), but there is one thing that I'd like to mention about the writing itself. While your sentences weave seamlessly, the transitions between the paragraphs sometimes get a little bit choppy. The jump from the first one was a little bit odd. You end it with the description of the captain and start the new paragraph with 'it', talking about the ship setting sail. The flow there feels a bit off.

Regardless, this unfinished draft is an intriguing one, capturing the attention of the reader with both the setting and the characters. There are some areas that could be enhanced to make the story more vivid, but the hook is there, and it is a strong one.
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Review of Simul  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
“Every Utopia is a Dystopia in disguise,” said I after a long time of studying some utopias that had never succeeded. 'Simul' proves this again, in a realistic approach and a rather thought-provoking reasoning of it all. Yet, just like any 'utopia' where people are 'happier', you see that it's fear in disguise, that the safety and efficiency are achieved for the cost of freedom. Some days bring us exhaustion, sickness, blues. One chance can be wasted by a simple blunder, and knowing that there is no way to redeem yourself only raises the possibility of failure. Savannah must know this well.

It's regretful to know that some countries take a similar approach of pushing the young generation to study certain fields before they can go learn about less 'pertinent' things such as art or literature. This does provide the chance to live better but sometimes you get to wonder whether it's worth it.

Honestly, I'm curious the dreaded place of exile hasn't become overpopulated by now. I grew hopeful that out there─beyond the surveillance─a new society started to grow. One with the human government that knows that percentage doesn't determine the optimal approach, that some less physically or economically beneficial options are, in fact, better at times. Perhaps the ones who get there never come back because they wouldn't want to instead of not being able to...? I have a feeling that it's not the case, though.

The setting is intriguing, though the story felt more like an introduction to a world rather than one of a person, even if she did attend the exam. The exposition drowned the 'matters at hand' (that, too, served more like an illustration instead of a recollection of an important event) which made me question what was the main focus after all. The lore is strong, yet the personal story of Savannah seems muted.

One question about the world kept nagging me. Savannah says that the former USA is controlled by A.I. but 'scientists decided to get rid of the college experience', 'scientists found that of the nine, seven of those principles were the most applicable to judge what job a person should receive', and scientists were the ones that 'found that humans were too indecisive'. No matter how I looked at it, the A.I. was a tool rather than the source of oppression. The 'scientists' (if they were such) were the ones behind everything. It might as well have been a propaganda game.

I do have a couple of suggestions writing-wise that might make your writing a bit more dynamic. Feel free to consider or dismiss them – only you can tell what would work the best for your writing.

While reading your story, I counted a rather large number of the word as. This made the writing itself feel rather repetitive; especially when used to describe simultaneous actions. The repeated structure in the first half of the story created the impression that the actions were a bit mechanical.

Sometimes, they also caused confusion. Did you want to say that Savannah's heart leaped the moment the car pulled into the parking lot or was it leaping like the car that was pulled in the parking lot (the primary meaning of as is a comparison, after all)? With so many meanings, the word can make the sentences look a bit too vague.

Similarly, the use of adverbs robbed your characters from the personality a bit:
'...she waited impatiently for my answer.'
'...she lazily turned her attention towards the old computer.'
'Immediately, I stood up and numbly walked toward the stale woman.'
How do they express these emotions? What makes Savannah decide that the woman was looking lazily? Body language is the best way to show the individuality of a character. Rather than saying that they did something in a certain way, the way they expressed this way is bound to create a more vivid image in the reader's head.
In a way, some adverbs are simply unnecessary:
“Great,” she said flatly. ─ the single word and the woman's attitude described before already indicates a curt and emotionless reply.
There was less crime, fewer disputes, and people seemed generally happier. ─ here, the adverb doesn't provide any additional information. People seemed happier coveys the same meaning; especially when the word 'seem' is used.

That aside, 'Simul' portrays great world-building skills; the world that would make the reader ponder about the one we live in. The one thing that leaves the reader wanting is a stronger and more distinct voice of the characters themselves.
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Review of Mr. Graves  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I never thought I'd say so in such context, but the death can be a sweet, sweet one; a close favourite to the one from Terry Pratchett's works. Mr Graves is strangely relatable, someone you'd expect to see running late to work but still dropping by the favourite corner shop to buy some coffee (which thanks to some baseball, was never drunk at home). He's a family man and one who knows that such annoyances as ruined paperwork aren't the end of the world. The take is interesting, making one ponder about the usual dramatic approach and its accuracy. Some meet death like a friend and, seeing Mr Graves, it's not such a big surprise.

After finishing the story, I was left wondering about the death and life. If the reaper has kids, are they alive or beyond death? Is 'everyone' going to come to his realm once the work is done or is Mr Grave's home in the living world? Is Martha one of the departed or just like Mr Graves...? These questions made me wish that the story was longer, but the reveal of Mr Grave's 'profession' was such a great ending that it's no wonder you finished the story where you did.

What I personally found a bit lacking were the descriptions. The two boys seemed to disappear after the scolding which made the story seem a little bit choppy. Adding a line about what the children did after Martha told them to behave might enhance the flow. In addition, what you have expressed by dialogue sometimes got repeated in the narration which made the writing feel rather repetitive: “You know she likes to draw her visions.” / Drawing seemed to help Cart manage the visions she saw in her head.

By the way, I'm curious about the choice of word. 'Visions' give an impression that Cart could be a clairvoyant...?

Continuing the talk about the descriptions, the statements such as 'she quickly began to help Mr Graves clean up the mess' seemed a bit too vague; not clear enough for the reader to imagine what was happening. Was Martha picking up the papers or wiping the puddle? What state were the papers left in? When the coffee cup escaped Mr Graves' hand, did it land with a crash (indicating break) or a dull clank? What did 'beginning to head out' entail? Rather than a stated action, some elaboration and sensory descriptions could make the image more vivid.

All the nitpicks aside, Mr Graves was an interesting take on the Grim Reaper, and I loved the choice of the protagonist's name. It's an amusing pun not only for the man's family but the reader as well.
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Review of Silent Film  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
For someone tired of the usual ghosts and boogies, 'Silent Film' is a pleasant treat. The bad premonition that tingles once we hear the woman beckoning us to drop by takes over the moment when the protagonist sees the strange posters. I have to admit that I figured the hook of the story from that point on, but it was a surprisingly satisfying realisation, pushing me to read forward.

Your visuals are amazing, the whole setting breathes. The dim lights and rich, dark colours feel heavy like velvet and just as pleasant. And the mix of other senses adds to the whole piece a lot. I loved the reference to Buster Keaton and The Haunted House with its ghouls and skeletons as well. The fact that he didn't like the use of title cards, in a way, makes the twist even darker.

The descriptions themselves, though, felt slightly dragging. For instance, when 'I' enter the theatre to the lobby, half of the focus is set on the light, yet all the sentences about it convey the same:

• It’s too bright outside and too dark inside to see what lies beyond the open doorway...
• The lobby is smaller than any modern movie theater’s lobby and is more dimly lit.
• The whole room seems darker than it should be.
• A single brass chandelier hangs from the ceiling, but that is the only lighting you can find.
• The scant amount of light emanating from it is glowing out of four tiny globes that resemble hot air balloons.
• As your eyes adjust to the low lighting, you also see some black-and-white photographs lining the walls.

Or

• There are a couple dozen people sitting in the audience around you, all staring up, transfixed, at the movie.
• <...> none of them seem to care about either your entrance or your existence.
• They are busy watching the entertainment in front of them. (Personally, I found this sentence excessive)

While, the overall mood of the theatre is nicely tied together to the first impressions and the smaller details, the continuous mention of the same aspect makes your presentations feel a bit redundant. The details that give additional (different) information within each sentence might work better.

Regrettably, I didn't quite feel satisfied finding out that the choice of using second person point of view pushed the reader to a set role in the end. For the most part, you managed to create the impression that I─the reader─was walking down the street and into the theatre; just like the people from the audience who, bit by bit, find themselves becoming part of the story. Yet, the 'boy who never had been told to be cute so forwardly' role broke the illusion. It lost the charm of neutrality; especially brought up after I had a certain image of the protagonist created while reading most of the story.

Regardless, 'Silent Film' is a highly entertaining read with a fresh take on the horror scenarios. The whole setting raises various intriguing questions. Are the films soundless only because of the tastes of the Gothic Snow White? Or would we hear something intriguing if the actors could speak? Is the technicolour popping up so late because the protagonist is drawn to the film? The little details have interesting ties to each other, and for that, I must commend you.
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Review of American Graffiti  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Having a mural of yourself, I wonder how it feels... how Sara feels. Does Sara know about it? Or is it a recollection of someone who treasures the woman so much, they'd try to immortalise her? I honestly wish for Lori's boss to answer the buzzer. Would the cold demeanour disappear and show the woman with the butterfly tattoo? For some reason, the mural felt like the depiction of the true woman, hidden behind the word 'boss; just like the graffiti is hidden in one of the less visited alleys. The connotation creates a rather pleasant feeling.

One the minor note, there were a couple of places that confused me a bit:

• Why Lori would be afraid to walk down the alley and inspect the mural. If she was going shopping, the street wouldn't be somewhere dangerous. Or was she taking a short-cut? Perhaps elaborating the reason for fear would be a good idea?

• The name of Lori's boss might be mixed up. You write: 'She got a little closer to investigate the tattoo in the mural a little better. There was no mistaking it. It was Evelyn for sure.' but later, the name switches to Sara.

Regarding the writing itself, I would like to offer a couple of suggestions. Feel free to consider or dismiss them; only you can decide what works best for your stories.

• First of all, your sentences felt a bit choppy and monotonous. Starting each with 'she/it' or 'there' followed with a verb made it more difficult to get immersed in the story. I felt more like reading a list. Mixing the basic structure of the sentences with introductory phrases or putting the focus not only on Lori but on the details of things she notices would add to the variety.

• Secondly, be careful about the jumps of thought. Bits like 'Sometimes that wind could come in through the buildings and freeze you right to the bone, but not today. […] Walking past the Seven-Eleven on the corner, she glanced down the alley.' didn't seem to have much to connect them and create a smooth flow. Remember that each sentence prompts the other.

• Lastly, I would suggest telling a bit less and showing some more. You did a good job with adding sensory descriptions. The breeze both in the alley and the one in the mural had a nice link to each other, but other aspects left me a bit wanting. You tell that 'There was a beautiful mural/The woman at the center of the mural was beautiful/A beautiful butterfly.' or 'The building was beautiful and modern.' but I'm not quite convinced by that. Perhaps writing what was beautiful about them instead could create a stronger impression. Rather than something 'had' or 'was', make the description less passive:

The blues and purples in the background contrasted with the caramel-coloured skin of the woman in the middle. As though the breeze had seeped into the painting, her dark hair flowed in heavy waves. The modesty of the naked woman was protected by the crossed legs and one arm hiding her chest, and yet she looked....

In the end, American Graffiti is a curious little piece that has a potential to become a hooking beginning of a far longer story. The open ending leaves the reader wanting to read more, to know more. Some tweaks could be done to make it more vivid, though, but the beauty lies in the possibilities.
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Review of Haunting Home  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: E | (3.5)
'Haunting Home' is a story of a loss, a story about learning how to let go. It's a story that we all can relate to, even when life and death haven't yet taken away the ones we cherish the most. It's a lesson not to take the people close to us for granted for you never know when a goodbye would have to be said. Yet, the delicious ending added some optimism which drew a smile to my face even when you wrote about such a topic.

Yet, I have to warn you about a couple of aspects that still might leave the reader wanting.

It's a common and hardly avoidable danger to overuse pronouns when writing in the first point of view. However, letting 'I/my' dominate your sentences makes the story feel a bit monotone. Which leads to another heavily related point. You tend to focus on actions, yet the emotions while sometimes told, are hardly expressed. I couldn't quite relate to the boy himself. He would state that something was hard for him to do, yet what he felt is either not mentioned (for instance when he heard the doctors speak) or glossed over (for instance, during the wake. He just stated 'heartbreaking' but didn't paint the picture. Perhaps he saw his mother's eyes and then felt his heart ache?).

I would recommend focusing on a bit more details. What made the girl pretty? What was her purpose in the story from the boy's point of view (besides being the exposition provider)? What were the boy's other regrets? How did not being able to touch most things affect him and his tasks? How did he feel about the monochrome vision (besides the statement that it's a strange thing)? The latter felt just like a minor discomfort thus the eagerness to restore colour to the boy's world felt a bit too strong, given the circumstances.

All in all, it's an interesting piece of work that holds a relevant message within. The lighthearted ending and an unusual perspective added to its charm. Yet, in my humble opinion, the story still lacks the emotion that would be shown (instead of said) by the author and the narrator and felt by the reader.

Continue writing! You're off to a great start!
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Review of GOodbye  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This entry has such a personal touch, I can't help but feel it resonate with my own emotions. Goodbyes are never easy, yet the chance to say them is something we often take for granted (and even as something bad). Even if not being able to say a goodbye can hurt even more.

I honestly like this little piece of writing. It's personal, intimate─something that is the most difficult to share with the wide audience. Thus besides sharing my own reaction, I can't say much about what is written.

What I could offer would be mentioning a few minor facts about how it is written. First of all, I was a bit surprised about your use of commas; or rather the tendency to place them after the space. Perhaps it's stylistic, however, for a person who's not used to such way, the reading experience got a little bit more difficult.

You have made a couple of mistakes regarding the verbs:
• ...the importance and existence of mine has [have] turned down...
• ...she have [has] already said goodbye.
Also, you've overlooked a couple instances regarding the spelling:
• Your promises are connendrums [conundrums] of my life.
• Your friendship left a vacant place in my life that is so hard to fill as [the] goodbye on your part.

Some sentences seemed to be worded a bit awkwardly; the meaning became somewhat difficult to grasp.
•Yes I am happy and rejoice that you are into your life but sad and stun [stunned?]...
•...the importance and existence of mine have turned down as it was before.
•Your friendship left a vacant place in my life that is so [as?] hard to fill as the goodbye on your part.

The nitpicks aside, it was a pleasant read. Continue writing!
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Review of The Neighbour  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Loved it! I actually felt a shiver run down my spine when Jessie found the 'letter' on her mirror! Great job!

However, there is one aspect that I'd like to point out as edit-able.
Some parts like:
'As she stepped under the hot water, she felt her shoulders drop and relax. She soaped her hair and just stood under the powerful jets <...> Grabbing her towel she wrapped it around her and climbed out of the shower.'
have a lot of pronouns bundling up together. It would be a good idea to 'spice them up' with synonym words representing Jessie or other characters.


Otherwise - it's a thrilling short story. I'm looking forward to reading more of your works!
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Review of A Terrifying Life  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ConnieBOO!

You have written such a sad and gripping little story, that I still can't get the corners of my lips rise up even a bit... This poor cat has suffered through a lot and you've managed to portray her feelings incredibly well. Great job!

There is one little doubt in my mind, however. If my little dead child was taken away by a lady (even if we know it was amazing act of compassion to bury the little creature) as a mother I would protest greatly. A word 'Kind' wouldn't come into mind for a long long time.

This is but a little nitpick about a beautiful story. I'm looking forward to reading more of your works. Best regards!
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