I would like to thank you for taking the time to write this. I had the pleasure of reading and reviewing this piece. Overall I thought it was a pleasant read although there were few things that could be improved upon. First, let me state what my initial thoughts were. By the title, I had set a "bar' in a sense and when I began reading, by the first stanza I perceived it to be different, I felt like that "bar" broke and I was riding a wave of surprise as I read the rest. I didn't foresee a narrative poem like this one but more of a free verse, which leads me to my next point. The Form, Meter, and Rhythm. The mood that these 3 things bring into it convey it as being very bleak and caliginous already but the meter inforces and breaks that way of operation multiple times. For example, it is so inconsistent that it adds to the notion of lawlessness that was placed there by the imagery and they are coupled with those dark emotions. I would have had preferred it to have more imagery so I could really immerse my self without messing with the format.The other way the meter plays with my expectations is when I read the second stanza and the rhymes felt almost like it was being told to a child which brings a whole different set viewpoints into it. Let move on to the topic of individual lines and word choice. there were times where it felt forced. It was like you were setting up dams on your rivers of words. If I was James Bay I would say
"just let it flowwwwww
just let it beeeeee
why don't you be you I'll be me "
The way some lines play into the story or poem ties the possible themes together like the last line which didn't really fell like that same story because of how random it felt. Based on my own conclusions I figure I wasn't reading into it enough.
That another point I would like to make, how it ends. It finishes off in such a way that was so open I gave my mind room to play.
it didn't tell me what I wanted to know but told me what I needed to theorize what happens to the main character. I enjoyed that. Last but not least my favorite part was the main comparison of themselves as a sheep that gave me insight to how they saw themselves and how they thought. Again, thank you for writing this poem. I enjoyed it. It was worth my time reviewing.
-Don't force anything
-Understand your characters more to make them more believable
-Appeal to my other senses other than sight
(i know that I referred to it as a poem but the advice is still applicable)