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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/s666232
Review Requests: OFF
17 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I will tend to sort out what I enjoyed and what seemed to feel out of place. Just read one of my other reviews you will see.
Favorite Genres
I don't have one
Least Favorite Genres
Horror. DON'T come at me with that. I have rounds to thrown with horror so please I can't do stuff like that.
Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
Horror storys and/or poems
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of TRACES  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Alexis
The following is a review of TRACES.

Before any commentary can be made about the work itself, The amount of improper grammar is overwhelming in relation to the amount of content. Instead of reading I found myself focusing on the mistakes. It seemed that it was a melting pot of words and commas. You have very little understanding of where to place commas and throw the in where ever you felt like it. But with a little effort, learning the grammar basics can be easy and drastically improve your writing quality and clarity. I speak from experience.

Frankly I wasn’t sure what I read. It was confusing to say the least. I couldn’t string together a cohesive thought until the nearing the end. But looking over it, your selection of words is incredible. It had the potential to paint a wonderful picture of language and nature as if they were one. What I believe you were shooting for was an artful insight in the uses and “history” of language. I find that it was strangely beautiful. Vaguely reminicant of Thanatopsis by William Cullen Bryant. (I recommend reading it.) You have the makings of an accomplished poet. You just need to get that grammar in order.

Suggest rewriting this whenever you are able to grasp grammatical concepts and implement the with ease into your writing. One site that I use when I’m confused is The Writing Center by the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
Here's the link: https://writing.wisc.edu/Handbook/GramPunct.html.

I would love to read your other works in the future.
-NotApproved

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group
2
2
Review of Did you?  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
"H're art mine own thoughts. Taketh what thee shall."-Me

Firstly the title fits well. Simple. You could also say the same about the piece itself which is not always bad. Simplicity drives intricacy. Can't have one with out the other because they are woven into each other. A good poem always has one on the surface and the other on the bottom. This poem lacked intricacy. That ties in with the length a little but then some of my favorite poets have blown me away with the same amount of lines you have. Some examples are
A Man Said To The Universe by Stephan Crane and The Eagle by Alfred Tennyson. They are both slighter longer than yours but after reading leave you with that woah feeling. To achieve intricacy you must learn how to utilize the elements of poetry. Taking the minimum space to deliver the maximum message. Learning how to do this takes lots of practice but it will come in time.

There were a few grammatical errors, 2 specifically, but you will have to find them. I would hate to impair your opportunity to become a better writer.

Note: The two poems that I put in are examples of what I was referring to in this review and you should not, I repeat SHOULD NOT, compare your writing to anyone else's. It would be completely contradictory to the purpose of writing. Expressing yourself. Its perfectly okay to examine and analyze other's works and the apply it to yous but comparing is no-go. You can read both of them here:

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45322/the-e...

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44049/a-man...

While a short read, I did feel you through the words. In a sort of passive aggressive fashion. The questions weren't really questions but more statements. I did enjoy reading and reviewing I hope could be of assistance. And Welcome the the WDC community*BigSmile*, I would love to read your future works.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group
3
3
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"H're art mine own thoughts. Taketh what thee shall." -Me

In the first stanza begins in a way that could only be described as movie-like. As if a story was getting prepared to be told. It quite exciting to read something with that entailed behind it. Like where is this going? Then it progresses into a conversation within the main character. Conversations are usually intimate even when not conversing about deep or extremely personal topics. The main is immediately know in their struggles by projecting everything the feel unto the reader. Just because it is a raw demonstration of the inner machinations within the Main. This increases the feelings of relatableness(Not a word). But while all this is true. there was a moment, although brief, that moved from within the character's head to somewhere in the atmosphere and then back. There isn't a problem with this flow wise, as it did not impede the flow, but it did abrupt the intimacy that had been built up.

As most poets know, the key to good poetry is not what it says, but how it makes one feel. Because I don't know about you but I wouldn't want to read a 200-page long book on How to boil water over Emily Dickinson because she makes the reader feel. You make the work feel formal, not water-boiling formal but a formal that works well with the inner conflicts of the character. You make a mood out of the character which is tense and relieving all at once.

My favorite element of this piece is the progression. The way it moves from a mountain of slight uncertainty into a valley containing nothing more than self-deprecation. I love it.
It lets the reader know about:
1.You
2.The character if they are not the same
The progression of diction and gradually using more words to indicate unsureness that seems to jump from the page. It's a great tool to utilize and you did it well.

And there should be a period between child and I'm not. Those pesky periods are easy to miss.

I enjoyed reading and reviewing. Best of luck on your writing adventures.
I hope you tooketh and receiveth mine thoughts.

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#1300305 by Maryann
4
4
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
"H're art mine own thoughts. Taketh what thee shall." -Me

The story in itself is hilariously ironic. It was entertaining. My favorite line is, without a doubt,"'Anybody for Shoney's?'". Churchgoers love their Shoney's.

You made the characters somewhat real. In not only his experiences but also in his flaw, while sometimes the dialogue felt unnatural, even more so when the end approaches and Joe's in hell. The conversation is stiff like starched jeans. One way you can avoid this is by not relying on what the character says to convey what you want them to say but instead, use their actions throughout the dialogue or even throughout the story to hint at it. Then leave it to the reader to analyze and attempt to understand the character. Get to know your characters more and ask yourself:

What would they DO?
What would they SAY?
What would they THINK?
What do they FEEL?

Then sort and combine those and you have a "real" character. The scenes with Joe's mother was fine they gave insight on who he was and were interesting.

The point of Joe's death could have been much more climatic considering it is the climax. I did experience shock at that point but it was lessened by one of the lines before that. "Joe grew more lathered by the minute, but what he didn't realize was that his 85-year-old ticker was taking a beating."The plot foiled itself before it was ready to make itself known. It is so easy to get caught up in using foreshadowing that instead of doing that we reveal key plot points instead of hinting at them. John Steinbeck is a master of this. In Of Mice and Men is one of the best books (in my option) with a ton of foreshadowing examples. The trick with foreshadowing is you won't know it was a plot point until you reach that point. You shouldn't be able to look at something and determine if it is foreshadowing.

There were a few grammar rules broken but not major ones. There were a few places where quotation marks are left off. Especially in the epilogue but it doesn't distract from the story.

I really enjoyed this story. I remember when I first began to read and wondered, where is this going to take me? I glad it took me took me to a place full of crafted pleasantries.

I hope you tooketh and receiveth mine thoughts.

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#1300305 by Maryann
5
5
Review of & I'm Broke  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
"H're art mine own thoughts. Taketh what thee shall." -Me

Every choice a writer makes is for a reason. If it doesn't contribute to a writing then it is useless. I cannot justify your reasoning for using a particular literary device like a certain word or phrase but can you? When are you writing ask your self "Why? Why did I do _______?" If you cannot find an answer then what you asked why for needs to be "executed." Use a figurative guillotine and "off with their heads"

Cuz. Why? That is the lazy spelling of cause'. I don't see the "why" Yes, it is very vernacular speech. I use it in my writing so I don't have a problem with this type of language. It common folks argot but it doesn't seem to fit the context there.

I like the title with the ampersand I have never seen that before. good job with that.

There is a difference between broke and broken read here:
http://proofreading.ie/portfolio/using-broke-and-b...

Your poem was about love but you want to leave a new thing in the reader's mind after reading your work. You didn't tell me anything new. Discover you in order to satisfy the reader's want for fresh.

Tips:
Take your Time. Mediocrity takes minutes. Good takes hours. Great take Days. Brilliance takes a lifetime.
Don't try to find beauty. Find yourself and beauty will waltz into your arms gratefully. Reread. I cannot stress enough the importance of rereading.

I hope you tooketh and receiveth mine thoughts
I would love to read again if you decide to change anything
Keep writing and have a great day. The choice is yours.

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#1778856 by eyestar~Go Power Raiders
6
6
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
"H're art mine own thoughts. Taketh what thee shall." -Me

Before I begin words from a scholar:
" You'll never make your mark as a writer unless you develop a respect for words and a curiosity about their shades of meaning that is almost obsessive. The English language is rich in strong and supple words. Take the time to root around and find the ones you want." William Zinsser- On Writing Well.
The reason I used this particular quote was that of your word choice. More specifically: the rhymes. Don't (and I mean DON'T) force a rhyme. While it is hard to maintain the rhythm and other principles of writing. It is not impossible. Many words will yield themselves to your purpose if you allow them to.

I did notice there were some issues with grammar. Which is not a big deal if it is purposeful(like all caps on every word). I tend to break grammar in my writing constantly. although too much can distract the reader from the general message.

Always reread. I read my writing 20-30 times before I let anyone read it. You never know how your ideas are coming across until you take off the writer shoes and slip on the reader moccasins.

This was soft. It wasn't acidic at all. That ebbed the theme a bit and it made you slightly more vulnerable.
I enjoyed reading. It was pleasant. Thank you very much.

I hope you tooketh and receiveth mine thoughts
I would love to read again if you decide to change anything
Keep writing and have a great day. The choice is yours.

Let your words be abundant and unresisting.

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#1778856 by eyestar~Go Power Raiders
7
7
Review of drag  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Initial thoughts
Wow This was a puissant piece. And extremely relatable. And that's why I did enjoy it so much.
Because you took something that has a very chip and pleasurable connotation and transformed it into something considerably more grim and with a lot more darker undertones within it. There were some moments that i felt have been repeated by everyone and their cousins. But it was fairly easy to overlook considering the message of the writing. It was like a light switch. And the dim lackluster parts are the rememberance of the relationship and that's a deep insight.
Thank you for writing this. I enjoyed reviewing it. I hope you keep on writing. I will be looking forward to your next creations.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of F is for Forest  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Eleanor,

I would like to thank you for taking the time to write this. I had the pleasure of reading and reviewing this piece. Overall I thought it was a pleasant read although there were few things that could be improved upon. First, let me state what my initial thoughts were. By the title, I had set a "bar' in a sense and when I began reading, by the first stanza I perceived it to be different, I felt like that "bar" broke and I was riding a wave of surprise as I read the rest. I didn't foresee a narrative poem like this one but more of a free verse, which leads me to my next point. The Form, Meter, and Rhythm. The mood that these 3 things bring into it convey it as being very bleak and caliginous already but the meter inforces and breaks that way of operation multiple times. For example, it is so inconsistent that it adds to the notion of lawlessness that was placed there by the imagery and they are coupled with those dark emotions. I would have had preferred it to have more imagery so I could really immerse my self without messing with the format.The other way the meter plays with my expectations is when I read the second stanza and the rhymes felt almost like it was being told to a child which brings a whole different set viewpoints into it. Let move on to the topic of individual lines and word choice. there were times where it felt forced. It was like you were setting up dams on your rivers of words. If I was James Bay I would say
"just let it flowwwwww
just let it beeeeee
why don't you be you I'll be me "
The way some lines play into the story or poem ties the possible themes together like the last line which didn't really fell like that same story because of how random it felt. Based on my own conclusions I figure I wasn't reading into it enough.
That another point I would like to make, how it ends. It finishes off in such a way that was so open I gave my mind room to play.
it didn't tell me what I wanted to know but told me what I needed to theorize what happens to the main character. I enjoyed that. Last but not least my favorite part was the main comparison of themselves as a sheep that gave me insight to how they saw themselves and how they thought. Again, thank you for writing this poem. I enjoyed it. It was worth my time reviewing.

Tip:
-Don't force anything
-Understand your characters more to make them more believable
-Appeal to my other senses other than sight
(i know that I referred to it as a poem but the advice is still applicable)
9
9
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
To begin with the concept is nice. It is refreshing to understand a relationship as two people or in this case artists similtanous creating works that only the heart sees. But with all poetry there is room for improvement.And for this, I felt strongly that it lacked a sense of depth most time. The overall meaning of the piece was good but adding some details about anything from the type of art or even giving the second person more characteristics. Which brings me to my next point, I understand that this experience hurt you so make me feel it too. This type of writing relies directly on the exchange of emotions, if not the same sense of heartbroken-ness than it is sympathy, so use words that will force me into understanding without telling me
TIP:When you feel inspired to writ an emotional piece such as this one take time and write out everything then don't look at it for a few weeks then read it later and pick out the most heartfelt parts. Carve it. Add to it. Sculpt it into your own. Make it you and only you. It adds a lot more emotion to a work. I say all of this without trying to impose my style of writing on you.
I enjoyed the end of the poem the most. My favorite line/lines are " From this moment we are damned" It is like the final blow on a relationship and it fit really well in he context there. And the " As I she'd a tear... With a face of an unfaithful", The last line is not even with this there it provided enough info to understand what was going on and I believe that I would have like the piece more if it ended there. I feel like it paints a picture in my head that I can relate to which you seem to struggle within the text. I generally enjoyed this. It did help me with some writing I am currently working on so I thank you for that. Keep writing and remember to:
•Dig deep
•Tell me without telling me
•Relate more to the reader's emotions
•Don't be afraid to not make sense sometimes it is the best way to show what is intended to show


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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