Hi Slap. This is close to being a top poem. You have sensitively introduced a hint of mystery to this piece which makes the reader want to know more! The only bit that didn't quite fit was line 8:
Could it have healed with time?
What is 'it'? You haven't mentioned anything previously that could be 'it'.
I think a simple vague line like Could things have got better with time? would have been more suitable.
This is one of the best poems I have reviewed for some time. Lost love is a theme which has been used beautifully by many poets and I have nothing but admiration for your effort, Slap. Please let me know if you do anything similar. - Bob.
Nice poem on the whole, Slap, although the third line throws the reader into confusion. The first two lines are about love, so as the third line begins with 'you' the reader assumes you are still speaking of love, but it becomes clear later that you are not talking about love but about your boy/girlfriend. You needed a transition from love (abstract) to the object of your love. Alternatively your poem would have been OK without the first wo lines. On the plus side it was nicely written with faultless grammar and punctuation. Well done!
Hello emily.jane. I liked your poem which I felt was a real tribute to a friend, not just a piece of writing. My only criticism would be that the last line of the second verse seems too long. 'Too early to say goodbye' would, I feel, have been better. But you have said what was on your heart and that's what creative writing is all about. Keep it up.
Well done ruwth. This psalm could have been written by David! It is a useful exercise to write a psalm - it is like a prayer or song of praise to our Father and confirms our faith. I especially liked the opening lines which set the tone for the rest of the piece. When we look back on times when God had helped us, it strengthens our faith for the future. You have a gift for putting your deepest feelings into words.
Hi ruwth. Your piece was well written and full of conviction but I would have preferred a straightforward answer to the question, i.e. trusting, loving, following and serving Jesus. To me, a Christian is someone who acknowledges his sin and trusts Jesus for forgiveness. He invites Jesus to come into his heart and life. This done, he makes a new start. His life is under new management and takes on a new direction, serving and pleasing God. I enjoyed reading your piece and am glad that you have found the Saviour and that you are enjoying your Christian walk.
There is real feeling in this poem, woven yarn. Unfortunately it doesn't say much except how hurt you are. Perhaps if you had given a clue as to how you had broken up it would have been more interesting. When you write a poem saying how boring your life is now, you run the risk of the reader thinking how boring your poem is!
- Especially with some lines and verses just being repeated. However your poem does have some pluses. It has an intensity and anyone having experienced a break-up will relate to your feelings. My favourite verses: the first two.
Hi SilentDreamer. I liked your poem, but in my opinion it is too short and too bland to win a competition. However, I do see potential in your work and would encourage you to keep writing. Your first line was very good. I would change the last two lines as follows.
I know you do, I can see it in your eyes,
Our love is really special, no-one can deny.
The mystery of love is a subject which has fascinated many poets and will continue to do so. My advice to you would be: write simply, write from the heart, try and say something different from others.
This is nice, ACS, although I felt you should have written more. You say you wrote it quite quickly, which is good. I like the way you describe your feelings of affection for your new (I presume) love. Best line for me was the fourth - time with our beloved is what we crave most.
I like this poem, Morgan, because it is about the mystery of 'me'. You have hit upon some interesting truths. Our insecurities, our hopes, our fears, our failings are all there. As you say: 'I am myself and nothing more.' Somehow we wish we could be different, but we can't; we can only be ourselves. You have done well with this subject. Your fourth line looks too long, but apart from that it's OK.
Hi mysterious achiever. Your piece is riddled with errors but no matter - it's interesting and that's what matters! You were obviously strongly attracted to these girls and I like the way you describe your feelings. You do not say how old you are but I presume early teenage, when love is new and exciting. You see no wrong in the person you love - you are blind to her faults (we all have them) and you only see the good (I've been there). It's only later when you discover they were not as perfect as you thought. (And neither are you!) Now that you have two girls in your life, do you have to choose between them?? Thanks for sharing your story so far, mysterious achiever. And please write more.
Good poem, Jak. These thoughts of the youngster who has become a provider for his family are very moving. I enjoyed the simple two line verses which rhyme nicely. The only verse I didn't particularly like was the fourth:
Below the line of dignity, where poverty is so rife
Is this what we are born too, this awful way of life.?
You were not born to it - it was just the way things turned out.
Apart from that it was a good read. You have captured the situation sympathetically without going over the top. Well done.
Hi Xiraben. I appreciate you don't want to give much away, but when I read your first sentence (the concept) I thought what on earth is he on about?!!
Having read on, I think I gathered what you have in mind.
I'm not sure I am the right person to review this, it seems to me it is more a science fiction/ fantasy story than a religious one.
However, you obviously have an imaginative narrative in mind, so go for it. Although you have made a plan of action, you may find you want to change it as the story develops. This is fine. Let your imagination run wild. Your characters will be the key to the development of the story. Make them believable and fascinating. I'll be interested to see what you do.
One word of warning though, Make the story simple (unlike your first sentence), otherwise the reader will not stick with it.
I hope this is helpful to you. Good luck!
Bob.
You appear to have stuck an extra line in which spoils the flow. Your fifth line should have continued on the fourth line. Change that and it rhymes properly, and you have a 16 line poem (4 verses of 4 lines).
Also, lines 1 and 2 rhyme with each other (town and abound) and lines 3 and 4 rhyme with each other (night and delight), but after that it is the second and fourth lines that rhyme (around and down, etc.). You have changed style!
Having said that I really enjoyed it. Don't be disheartened - I have made the same mistakes myself!
This poem will mean different things to different people. Did you mean it to be that way? You could be talking to a special friend (human) or to Jesus Christ. A spiritual person may well feel the latter. It is well written, flowing easily and rhyming well. Can't fault it!
Hi Kassie. That wasn't as boring as you think! I enjoyed reading it. Do you keep a diary? - I bet it's interesting. You have written entertainingly about how sisters can be a pain. Hope she doesn't read this! There are lots of typos in the piece but I get the impression you weren't concerned about that - you just wanted to spill out your frustrations. You have a gift for writing - your fresh, amusing and intriguing style may take you far.
Hi Painful Love.
You have certainly put some feeling into this poem. One thing to bear in mind though is that the reader can get tired of reading a bitter tirade. A few positive words would have lightened it (not just those in the last line). Love hurts, it's true, but it can also be what makes life worth living. My advice to you would be to try and give a more balanced view. Most people read poetry for pleasure! I hope you will accept this criticism in the spirit it was given. Your poem shows promise.
Hi TomCon. This bitter poem seems created from experience. If it is, I feel for you. To be let down is one of life's most painful episodes. For what it's worth, it's helped you write a moving poem. Keep up the good work. One of the first rules of writing is: write about what you know. You have done that. I like poems that end on a positive note, but perhaps you didn't feel that was possible in this case.
Good luck with your writing. I see you like doing comic strips. I unexpectedly had one published. I sent in a written story but the publishers decided to turn it into a picture story. It appeared in six weekly parts.
Nice poem, Chris. What you are saying - our unworthiness before God and weakness in trying to live a life pleasing to him - is something we can all identify with. Thank goodness our salvation does not depend on us but on Christ himself. I think it's really good to pour our heart out to God as you have done here. I enjoyed reading it.
Nice piece of writing, iva*mae. An interesting, flowing article. I can see you're no novice to writing. I'm a newbie here so I found what you had to say worth reading. I wish I had spotted it earlier when I was 'lost' in this strange Aladdin's Cave known as Writing dot com!
One thing I've discovered about this place - it brings you down to earth. You think you've written the best story/poem ever, and reviewers say they don't understand it!
Do you mind if I contact you if I need help finding my way around here?
I enjoyed reading your poem, Iamfrank. Well written, good rhyming. Excellent finish. I like the way you extol the pleasures of gambling until you get to the last verse when you confess you are the loser.
I used to be hooked on horse racing so I know what you are saying. When you win you want more. When you lose you want to get back what you lost. It took me a while to realise there is only one winner - the bookie.
Keep writing. You could go places with poems like that.
Hi BBWOLF. I ike your little poem, highlighting some of the frustrations writers feel. At the end of the second verse it should be 'too', not 'to'. An interesting piece that got me thinking how you could add to it....
Sometimes I get an idea
When I'm on my way to town
Sometimes I wake in the night
And I have to jot it down
But sometimes try as I may
I just can't get myself going
Words don't come with ease
My creative juices aren't flowing.
But on another day
My pen just can't stop writing
My mind becomes inspired
And soon my poem I'm reciting.
P.S. It's good to end on a positive note. Keep up the good work. Bob.
Yes, I like this strlcuckoo. I like the opposites in each couple of lines. Pity the ending is a bit weak. You could have done with a twist - a sudden unexpected revelation about the man, something like....
His good deeds are few,
His sins are far more.
The hangman is standing
At the prison door.
Hi Strlcuckoo. I did a review of this yesterday but somehow it got lost. Anyway, here goes again.
I liked it, but the third verse is just a re-jig of the first. And the line 'Those minute-movies of the past' appears in all threee verses, so there's not a lot to it. I felt you could have expanded a bit more. Something like.........
It's hard to say where they come from
Those "minute movies" of the past,
But when they come they fill your head
With memories you've amassed.
Little things can trigger them
A sight, a sound, a smell,
A movie scene, a chance remark,
They seem to ring a bell.
Well at least you got me going! Keep up the good work. Bob.
Very moving. I've been through that. Sophie, you have written of your pain simply and eloquently. There's nothing more to say. A beautiful piece of writing. Normally I wouldn't give four and a half stars for such a small poem but the quality warrants it. (I've not been here long but this is the highest mark I've given.) Well done.
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