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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/samshare111
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3 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Most Grateful Son  
Review by Jay D.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi

Thank you for entering my poetry competition. All entries are valued for the time and effort put into writing them, and for my amusement, greatly appreciated.

*Check4*Some comments

I really really like this poem. It made me feel like i saw some one I knew written on the page, I felt like i understood the persona, like I was on there side, even though I don't know them personally.

The last 4 lines really sent home what this poem was about, and if it where only 4 words long, they would have meant the most.

A true sign of love
That my Father,
You’re Husband,
Watches down from above.


*Check4*Some Suggestions

My first Suggestion is a rather simple one. The Forth and sixth stanza's are too long, i think the poem would flow much better if all of the stanza's were 8 lines long, and of roughly the same number of syllables long.

Which leads me to my last suggestion. These words are too "mouthy" and slow the reading too much,

Of Silver, Crystal and Gold.
For this you’ve shown me,
Its beauty never grows old.

All it needs is a little revision..

Other than the few flow issuse, I feel that you poem is a very good one, and wothry of respect.

Thank you for your entrance into round 3, judgement of which poem I believe to be the winner will happen 2-4 days after the closing date.

JD Rook

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Review of I'LL NEVER KNOW  
Review by Jay D.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Flip

Thank you for entering my poetry competition. All entries are valued for the time and effort put into writing them, and for my amusement, greatly appreciated.

*Check4*Some comments

I may have misread this poem, but to me it sounds like you criticizing and looking down upon he holy matrimony of marriage. Now i am not married, why, i am not even old enough really, to understand what marriage is really like, but surely it can't be that bad. maybe i was wrong,

The last two lines made me feel, to be honest, a little dissapointed. i was expecting to be dazzled by a quirky, stylised couplet that made me feel that, the description, fitted, but with a twist.. and i suppose it is a fitting ending. i just doesn't quite fit with my ideas.

*Check4*Some Suggestions

There aren't any technical errors that i can see, and i cant fault the style. I just feel that a new 4 line stanza, maybe giving a positive spin on to marriage would make me more "happy"

But each one's poetry is his own, no matter what others think of it.

Thank you for your entrance into round 3, judgement of which poem I believe to be the winner will happen 2-4 days after the closing date.

JD Rook

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3
3
Review of The Red Knight  
Review by Jay D.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Pheasent

Thank you for entering my poetry competition. All entries are valued for the time and effort put into writing them, and for my amusement, greatly appreciated.

*Check4*Some comments

I really really really enjoyed this poem. It has a great sense of narrative, a moral and most importantly, a comic theme. This, for me, typifies a modern day Epic, a particularily old fashion, considered the origonal form of poetry by many.

The rhyme and rhythm help give it a sense of flow and movement, but also make us enjoy the funnier side to the situations.

I most enjoyed the rhyming couplet,

         Don’t take what’s not yours, unless it’s suggested,
         Lest it be you who doth end up digested.


Most enjoyable poem i have read in a while.

*Check4*Some Suggestions

My only suggestion is the line.

          The present he gave her took another bride’s life.

I think a better line with a clearer understanding would be

          The present he gave her was the poor boy's life.

But that is a personal thing that i think, to which your quite right to ignore, cause eachs one's poetry is his own.

~

Thank you for your entrance into round 3, judgement of which poem I believe to be the winner will happen 2-4 days after the closing date.

JD Rook

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