** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi David! This is a continuing review of your work as you finish more chapters:
 General Disclaimer: This review reflects my opinion and is given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. I hope you find this review helpful. I have your work in green text and my suggestions in black if I changed wording. If you have any problems with this please email me and I will attempt to do a better job of explaining my opinions.
Chapter 5: I found a few things I'd do differently. You can check them out to see what you think:
Joshua was helpful in showing Jack where he could look for what he wanted, and strangely not in the least curious about why Jack wanted to look in the first place.
Joshua was helpful in showing Jack where he could look for what he wanted. He appeared to not be even remotely curious about why Jack wanted to look in the first place.
By the following morning Jack lingered over his breakfast and read through copies he’d made of various records.Add a comma after morning.
Apparently it was closer to a resort than a hotel, and was located further up in the mountains.Add a comma after apparently.
According to the various records Jack was reviewing itsThe current owner, Robert London, had been trying to get a crew out to the old building in order to fix it up so it could be re-opened for reopening. This had gone on for somean extended length of time. The court documents reachedspanned from 1980 until 1994. The thing was, no matter that the crews were different, the result was always the same.Add a comma after reviewing. I also made a couple of other changes in wording here as you can see.
Mr. London would secure a crew, get a contract signed, and they’d head up to begin work. However, without fail, each crew would abruptly and mysteriously quit with no explanation. Some crews left after less than an hour on the job. One crew, apparently affiliated with a business that was just staying afloathaving financial difficulties, remained on the site for three days, six hours before leaving for good (the lawyers were very precise as to the facts).
As he went through crew after crew, however, Mr. London apparently became more and more desperate to get the resort back on its feet., and therefore Hence, he became less and less willing to settle. Then He got to the final case, London v. Carlysle. This one, which made for particularly interesting reading.
Mr. Carlysle’s crew, was the one that had stayed on the job for the 3 days and 6 hours thatwas the infamous three days, six hour crew, whichconstituted the longest effort by any of the construction companies. His business was going into bankruptcy, and. He needed the work desperately. He’d even been on the site personally, working alongside his employees. Then, he and they had all left, tossing aside Mr. Carlysle’s last chance to save his business and everyone else’s last chance to save their jobs.Tossing aside Mr. Carlysle's final chance to save the business and his crew's jobs,they all left. Even if Carlysle had had the money to settle the case, it seemed unlikely that Mr. London would have settled with Carlyslehim, given his frustrations up to that point.
The judge, apparently tired of hearing the same case over and over again, and probably growing rather sympathetic towards Mr. London, issued an Order stating that if the crew didn’t get back to work he’d send Mr. Carlysle to jail for contempt. The judge had probably thought this threat would do the trick, and Mr. Carlysle would get hisin getting Mr. Carlysle's crew back on the job.
In the meantime, back at City Hall, Joshua resolutely took the records Jack had taken out to copy and put them back toin their rightful places. Despite the fact he was completely alone, he made it as clear as possible by his body language revealedthat he wasn’t looking at the documents, andnor was he wasn’t doing anything to figure out what they meant.
CHAPTER 6: TERROR
After Jack had driven for the better part of an hour, and when he was about fifteen to twenty minutes away by his rough calculations (made from the precisely drawn maps attached to one of the pleadings), he was suddenly slammed with the reason why Mr. London couldn’t get his place fixed up. In fact, it very nearly killed him.
Jack had driven for the better part of an hour. By rough caculations, he was aproximately fifteen to twenty minutes away when the light bulb went off in his head exploding with the reason Mr. London couldn't get his place repaired. In fact, it very nearly killed him.
One second Jack was driving along, not exactly happy, but not overly upset or anything. The next he felt like an electric current had hit him. His hands began shaking so badly he lost control of the wheel. His guts became knotted. His heart began beating a mile a minute. His mouth filled with a coppery taste. His legs shook, and the only thing that saved him was that his foot slid off the gas pedal and the car coasted to a stop just as it was leaving the road. If it hadn’tBaring that, he would have smashed into the side of the mountain he’d been ascending, bounced off, and gonedisappeared over the guardrail to his death.
With a strength of will he wouldn’t have believed he hadpossessed, he stoppedwilled his body fromto stop shaking and continued down the road. He figured it couldn’t get any worse than this.
Final Comments:Since this is a continuing review of a story I have already reviewed the preceeding chapters to, this review is done somewhat differently. I found some errors, some redundancy, some sentences that were confusing. Perhaps, these suggestions will give you some ideas of how to edit and rewrite parts of your story.
Having said that, if you feel it was better the way you originally wrote it, by all means you are the author and the story has to reflect your meaning. I am still intrigued by the storyline and as always you have left me clammoring to know what is coming next.  
Sandy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
|
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
Awards
Badges
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Auto-Reward Items
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Form & Flow:
Imagery & Emotion:
Suggestions & Typos:
Overall Thoughts & Rating:I do not offer a rating as I see you prefer not to have one. Thank you for sharing your work with me. I was inspired and blessed by it.
Narrative & Dialogue:
You have several places where you have numbers in your story. I would spell these out rather than use numbers.
While it is not incorrect, I feel your story would be easier to read with less use of dashes. Rewriting the sentences somewhat and fleshing out a little more would add to the story.
Form & Flow:
Jordan raised a wall of vine. Beneath it there was a wooden door. Good choice of words. I can see the vines and the door. Good writing!
You did a very good job with spelling and grammar in your work. I like the fact that you use terms such as milord keeping the story true to timeline.
His parents were doing well, and she talked to them almost every day, but they lived so far away that it made it possible for them to come and see him only once a year.
