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26
26
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hi Fahad! After reading
 The Shadow - Chapter 1 & 2  (13+)
First and Second chapters of my novel. Kindly read them and give your valuable feedback.
#1815553 by Prince of Dhump
I offer you these comments:

Please accept these suggestions in the vein they are offered, as a help only. Anything you agree with please use. Anything you feel distracts from your work please disregard. You are after all the author.


DISCLAIMER:I am not a professional critic or editor so please accept my views as an opinion. I wish only to offer encouragement and share some of the skills WDC has taught me.

*Key*Storyline I find your storyline to be one with much potential. It is an interesting one that can have many turns and twists. Good job.

*Note1* First Impression:Your story needs much rewriting to become a clear picture of the story you are trying to tell. While I feel it is a good story it is very confusing to read as is.


*Note3* Suggestions:NOTE:In most cases I have put your writing in one color and my suggestions in another. Hope this is not confusing to you. If so, just email me with any questions.
*Pencil*It was 1 AM. Residents of Ahmednagar would go to their beds at 10 p.m., and by 11 p.m., owls would be hooting in the city. Such was the stillness about that place.
To connect the city with the highway, a road had been constructed through the jungle surrounding the city. Sifted moonlight through the trees was falling on the road, making the mysterious environment a bit hypnotizing. Approximately a mile away from the road, deep in the woods, there was a small cottage built inside a clump of trees. It was hard for anyone moving through the jungle to spot it.


My Suggestion: Time now is one in the morning. Residents of Ahmedanagar would be in their beds by ten each night. By 11:00 p.m., owls would be hooting in the city. Such was the stillness of that place.

To connect the city with the highway, a road had been constructed through the jungle surrounding the city. Moonlight sifted through the trees falling on the road creating a hypnotizing effect which only added to the mysterious environment.

Deep inside the bowels of the woods was a small cottage surrounded by a clump of trees. Only a mile from the road, it was still undetectable by anyone moving through the jungle.


*Pencil* Sitting in the cottage, he was busy typing something fast on his laptop.

Sitting in the cottage, his fingers flew as he typed on his laptop.

*Pencil*He gawked at the door with a dreaded expression on his face, as if it was death knocking, and quickly looked back at the laptop's screen.

He gawked at the door with an expression of dread on his face, as if it were death knocking. He took a quick glance back at the laptop screen.


*Pencil* Somebody Someone knocked again. His sense of anticipation and desperation had reached their limits. Less than a minute was remaining for the file to be completely sent. It seemed as if the life of that man his life was dependent on the transfer of that file. If anything happenswere to happen before the transfer was complete, he could not think of anything further as his mind would start to go numb.[This paragraph is confusing to me and I really am unsure as to what you mean by his mind going numb.]

*Pencil*The door wasn’t knocked this time; instead it wasThe door was hit with such force that it went free}was severed from the hinges and came down on the floor with a loud thud. Apparently Stunned, he stared at the figure standing in the doorway.

*Pencil*The stranger was a tall and well-built man. He wore a black overcoat, hat covering his head and his face hidden behind a mask. He stepped in gracefully and stood over the lying door. In his right hand he held a 9 mm pistol. He calmly looked in the room with analyzing eyes that got fixed on the man sitting in front of the laptop.


Tall and well-built, the stranger stepped gracefully inside and stood over the door. A aura of mystery surrounded him as his long black overcoat seemed to be a part of him. His face was hidden behind a mask that was as black as the hat he wore atop his head. In his right hand was a 9mm pistol. Analyzing the room, his eyes fixed on the man sitting in front of the laptop.

*Pencil*The stranger had not yet completed his sentence when, suddenly, Ghauri's hand moved and he fired 2 shots quickly.
Mid-sentence, Ghauri's hand moved firing two shots immediately.

*Pencil*But it was at this moment that the stranger realized that Ghauri had done what he had wanted to. Ghauri’s shots were not aimed at him, instead he had fired at the laptop. The stranger leapt towards the laptop which had been transformed into a piece of junk.

Ghauri's shots had not been aimed at the stranger, yet, had hit their mark accomplishing his ultimate goal. They had hit and demolished the laptop. The stranger leapt towards the computer too late. It had been transformed into nothing more than junk.

*Pencil*His eyes, that looked too tired to keep focus, widened with the sudden shock they had received.

*Pencil*The masked stranger was now driving his black Mercedes S500, which was earlier hidden in the woods, not too far away from the cottage.


The masked stranger was now driving his black Mercedes S500 which had been hidden in the woods not far from the cottage.


*Note4*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
*Pencil*But somebody has said very rightly. Misfortune can happen anywhere, anytime.This is a sentence fragment. Rewrite thus: Somebody has said very rightly, misfortune can happen anywhere, anytime.

*Pencil*Ghauri looked straight into the eyes of the stranger while trying to smile. He finally spoke, "Whoever you are, you are very late and you will have to leave unsuccessful" You need a period after unsuccessful.

*Pencil*His face tightened as anger surged.but the very next moment he turned towards Ghauri in his calm and casual way and said, Delete the word but and begin your sentence with The...

*Pencil*And you on the other hand haven't You, on the other hand, haven't

*Star**Star**Star*Overall impression and rating:I rate your story as it is written as a 3.0. It needs much rewriting, yet has much potential. Part of the problem is it being written in English by one whose first language is not English. There is nothing wrong with that, but if the story is to be published and read by US readers it needs some polishing up.

I don't want this to sound disheartening since I think your story is a good one. I only reviewed Chapter 1 and will review Chapter 2 later, due to time restraints.

You need to go back and see if there is any way to eliminate the words but, that, and, to be replaced by stronger words or not at all in some cases. Check all your words ending in ly to see if they might be replaced with stronger descriptive words also.

One last thing is in some places you need to double space to seperate paragraphs.

I hope this has been helpful and after revisions are done, I'll rerate your story upping the rating on it if you'd like.


*Bird*Sandy/WhisperingHope*Bird*


27
27
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Fahad,

This synopsis for a book is a very good one. This idea is one that can be fleshed in many different directions. This is important for a writer. Many times the original idea for our books can orbit into totally different directions as it develops and grows.

Your storyline is one that is promising. You have captured my interest already and I am anxious to begin the reading.

I will be reading and reviewing your chapters as this week progresses. You have made a good start by having a sound foundation in your synopsis.

Good work!

Sandy
28
28
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Itchy,

I'd often wondered about your handle and WOW, am I glad I read your explaination. I, too, am concerned about the emphasis we place on so many unnecessary things in our world today when there are so many necessary things we should be focusing on, ie water for the masses.

I have a cousin who lived in an area of South America for thirty years where water was scarce and having clean water was a luxury. Her reminders and rules for use of water has stayed with me, just as your description of your WDC name will do.

You get a 5.0 for this writing based on writing ability first and foremost. I found no errors in punctuation or grammar. It is an interesting topic on many levels. One because as family at WDC, I am interested in each member. Two, it is an unusual name to have chosen indicating there is an underlying reason for the choice. Third, it is a way to reach out with a positive message to many that will hopefully open our eyes, hearts and minds to improving a situation that we can have an impact on if we choose.

Bravo for you!!

Sandy
29
29
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum [E]!!!*RainbowR*


Megan, I can only offer my humble opinion for your poem since I am not a professional editor or reviewer. I am an avid reader and offer you this review for
The Animals and Christmas  (E)
A poem about the animals talking about the first Christmas.
#724921 by Princess Megan Rose


*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:The form and flow of your poem was good. Your use of loved hymns and poems incorporated within the poem worked really well for the flow.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:I felt the imagery was excellent in this piece. I love the animals and their conversation. I could easily picture them. Your poem showed joy, singing, love an caring in both human and animal beings. More than that it showed the reason for joy year round celebrated in Jesus birth each Christmas.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:I found no errors and have no suggestions for this poem. I enjoyed it very much.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:I do not offer a rating as I see you prefer not to have one. Thank you for sharing your work with me. I was inspired and blessed by it.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



*Bird*Sandy~HopeWhisperer*Bird*


30
30
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum [E]!!!*RainbowR*


David, this is a continuation of reviewing your story
 Midnight of the Soul-The Conclusion  (13+)
How far will a father go to find his stolen son? See the answer in this tale.
#1809201 by David


I am reviewing Chapter 7:

*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:The narrative of your story is still true to form. I find numerous places where I would double space the dialog from the narrative. If you see those, do this as you go. If not, when the story is finished, I'll be glad to go back and assist you with this.

*Pencil*Sure, focus on the parking lot. Focus on anything except what you came here to see. [I would italicize this since he is thinking to himself.]

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:I still like the way the ebb and flow of your story keeps my interest. I like the way you leave me hanging, clammoring to know what's next.*Thumbsup*

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:Still percolating right along...may be a few slight ways to increase this area, but that will come with the final edit also.{/c]

*ButterflyB*Suggestions, Typos, Grammar, Punctuation:
*Pencil*that looked like it hadn’t seen any living human in decades.[Minor change:appeared not to have seen any living human in decades.]

*Pencil*no way that he

*Pencil*Maybe when you’re that scared there just isn’t room for much else. Maybe he’d been expecting the Old Man.
[I would add commas after the word maybe in both these sentences. It causes you to pause. That would place emphasis on the word maybe if read aloud.]

*Pencil*This time he was dressed in a bathrobe that was untied and fell open to reveal an undershirt and boxer shorts.[Suggestion for revision: This time he was dressed in an untied bathrobe which was falling open to reveal an undershirt and boxer shorts.]

*Pencil*He paused. , and Jack waited for the other shoe

*Pencil*“I know,” the Old Man signed as if Jack had responded verbally to the Old Man’s
his statements,

*Pencil*They both just stood there for a few minutes, each one looking at the hotel, before the Old Man spoke again.
[I would opt to change hotel here to building due to having just used the word hotel in the prior sentence.]

*Pencil*“Hey, not that it means much difference,” [Did you intend to say makes rather than means? This needs clarifying;]



*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:You are holding that 4.0 rating. Good job! I am still hanging, reaching for that next event in the story. *Thumbsup*Don't delay in letting me know when Chapter 8 is done....

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



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31
31
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi David! This is a continuing review of your work as you finish more chapters:

*Pencil*General Disclaimer: This review reflects my opinion and is given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. I hope you find this review helpful. I have your work in green text and my suggestions in black if I changed wording. If you have any problems with this please email me and I will attempt to do a better job of explaining my opinions.

Chapter 5: I found a few things I'd do differently. You can check them out to see what you think:

Joshua was helpful in showing Jack where he could look for what he wanted, and strangely not in the least curious about why Jack wanted to look in the first place.

Joshua was helpful in showing Jack where he could look for what he wanted. He appeared to not be even remotely curious about why Jack wanted to look in the first place.

By the following morning Jack lingered over his breakfast and read through copies he’d made of various records.Add a comma after morning.

Apparently it was closer to a resort than a hotel, and was located further up in the mountains.Add a comma after apparently.

According to the various records Jack was reviewing itsThe current owner, Robert London, had been trying to get a crew out to the old building in order to fix it up so it could be re-opened for reopening. This had gone on for somean extended length of time. The court documents reachedspanned from 1980 until 1994. The thing was, no matter that the crews were different, the result was always the same.Add a comma after reviewing. I also made a couple of other changes in wording here as you can see.

Mr. London would secure a crew, get a contract signed, and they’d head up to begin work. However, without fail, each crew would abruptly and mysteriously quit with no explanation. Some crews left after less than an hour on the job. One crew, apparently affiliated with a business that was just staying afloathaving financial difficulties, remained on the site for three days, six hours before leaving for good (the lawyers were very precise as to the facts).

As he went through crew after crew, however, Mr. London apparently became more and more desperate to get the resort back on its feet., and therefore
Hence, he became less and less willing to settle. Then He got to the final case, London v. Carlysle. This one, which made for particularly interesting reading.

Mr. Carlysle’s crew, was the one that had stayed on the job for the 3 days and 6 hours thatwas the infamous three days, six hour crew, whichconstituted the longest effort by any of the construction companies. His business was going into bankruptcy, and. He needed the work desperately. He’d even been on the site personally, working alongside his employees. Then, he and they had all left, tossing aside Mr. Carlysle’s last chance to save his business and everyone else’s last chance to save their jobs.Tossing aside Mr. Carlysle's final chance to save the business and his crew's jobs,they all left. Even if Carlysle had had the money to settle the case, it seemed unlikely that Mr. London would have settled with Carlyslehim, given his frustrations up to that point.

The judge, apparently tired of hearing the same case over and over again, and probably growing rather sympathetic towards Mr. London, issued an Order stating that if the crew didn’t get back to work he’d send Mr. Carlysle to jail for contempt. The judge had probably thought this threat would do the trick, and Mr. Carlysle would get hisin getting Mr. Carlysle's crew back on the job.


In the meantime, back at City Hall, Joshua resolutely took the records Jack had taken out to copy and put them back toin their rightful places. Despite the fact he was completely alone, he made it as clear as possible by his body language revealedthat he wasn’t looking at the documents, andnor was he wasn’t doing anything to figure out what they meant.

CHAPTER 6: TERROR

After Jack had driven for the better part of an hour, and when he was about fifteen to twenty minutes away by his rough calculations (made from the precisely drawn maps attached to one of the pleadings), he was suddenly slammed with the reason why Mr. London couldn’t get his place fixed up. In fact, it very nearly killed him.

Jack had driven for the better part of an hour. By rough caculations, he was aproximately fifteen to twenty minutes away when the light bulb went off in his head exploding with the reason Mr. London couldn't get his place repaired. In fact, it very nearly killed him.

One second Jack was driving along, not exactly happy, but not overly upset or anything. The next he felt like an electric current had hit him. His hands began shaking so badly he lost control of the wheel. His guts became knotted. His heart began beating a mile a minute. His mouth filled with a coppery taste. His legs shook, and the only thing that saved him was that his foot slid off the gas pedal and the car coasted to a stop just as it was leaving the road. If it hadn’t
Baring that, he would have smashed into the side of the mountain he’d been ascending, bounced off, and gonedisappeared over the guardrail to his death.

With a strength of will he wouldn’t have believed he had
possessed, he stoppedwilled his body fromto stop shaking and continued down the road. He figured it couldn’t get any worse than this.

Final Comments:Since this is a continuing review of a story I have already reviewed the preceeding chapters to, this review is done somewhat differently. I found some errors, some redundancy, some sentences that were confusing. Perhaps, these suggestions will give you some ideas of how to edit and rewrite parts of your story.

Having said that, if you feel it was better the way you originally wrote it, by all means you are the author and the story has to reflect your meaning. I am still intrigued by the storyline and as always you have left me clammoring to know what is coming next.
*Thumbsup**Laugh*

Sandy
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32
32
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*RainbowL*Hi David! I have reviewed
 Midnight of the Soul-The Conclusion  (13+)
How far will a father go to find his stolen son? See the answer in this tale.
#1809201 by David
. The following are my ideas, suggestions and impressions. Please accept them in the vein they are given--as a help only. If you feel they detract from your intent as the author please disregard.{/c]*RainbowR*

*Binoculars*Did the book capture my interest?It did. Your storyline is one with much potential. The story begins giving your reader an idea as to the personality of Jack Sanders. He is a family man and enjoyes the simple pleasures of life. This makes him a believable character for all who wish to read about him. You offered glimpses into the life his wife and son live alongside him. This being the first and second chapters that leaves much room to expand on their characters as the story progresses.

*Reading*Did it hold my interest?Absolutely!

*Pencil*Spelling and Punctuation:
*Note1*You have several places where you have numbers in your story. I would spell these out rather than use numbers.

*Note2*While it is not incorrect, I feel your story would be easier to read with less use of dashes. Rewriting the sentences somewhat and fleshing out a little more would add to the story.

*Idea*Suggestions:

*Note1*[Jack’s job-he was an accountant at a large firm-was going well.] I would adapt this sentence to read:Jack's job as an accountatn at a large firm was going well.

*Note2* Jack decided that it was time to pack up and get ready to head home, when the five minutes that would replay themselves for Jack over and over again began.

I would rewrite this to read: Jack decided that it was time to pack up and get ready to head home. The five minutes that ensued would replay themselves for Jack over and over again.

It doesn't change the meaning, yet provides smoother reading for your reader. I would suggest reading your work aloud from time to time. That little trick helps me find areas I can improve the flow of my stories.


*Star*Overall Impression:You have begun a story worth telling. I have a clear picture of what is happening in my mind due to your use of words. You have given me enough tidbits to want more. I love the way you leave your reader hanging at the end of Chapter 2. I am interested in seeing how this plays out, meeting the antagonist on a more intimate plane, learning more of Angela and can't wait to see what has happened to Jack's son and all the elements of the supernatural that promise to play out before the story is done.

Thank you for sharing your work.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sandy
33
33
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello Dr. Gupta! I have reiewed the following item
 Dr. M. C. Gupta's Journal  (E)
My thoughts, all serious, on important issues and events.
#1508363 by Dr M C Gupta
*RainbowL*Entry #691116 Medical Care In India And The USA towards the entry fee required to enter your contest*RainbowR*
"FIVE STAR POETRY CONTEST:editor's choice


*Drbag*Form & Flow:This entry in your journal is done with good form. The information is presented in a manner that flows well and is easy to follow.

*Pencil*Suggestions & Typos:
*Checkr*e mail should have a hyphen in it i.e. e-mail
*Checkb*first- hand has an extra space that should be eliminated:first-hand

*Drbag*Overall Thoughts & Rating:I rate this journal entry as a 5.0. It offered an interesting topic and factual information. I particularly appreciated the websites offered to find more information to form an opinion by. This is a subject dear to my heart as I myself have had to file bankruptcy due to extremely large doctor and hospital bills while raising my children alone. Two of my children had extensive medical problems. I know first-hand good medical care for those unable to pay is an impossibiliy in the USA. Thank you for such a well written piece.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*




** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sandy
34
34
Review of MY POETRY BOOK  
for entry " MASK
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hello Dr Gupta! I read your poem Mask from
 MY POETRY BOOK  (13+)
Poems shifted from the main port to create space for new poems
#948400 by Dr M C Gupta
and I want to offer yout this review as fee for entering your contest "POETRY IN RHYME - RHYTHM CONTEST-winner:

DISCLAIMER:I am not a proffesional poet nor editor, so please accept my review as such.

*Heart*Emotional Impact:*Heart*You raise a question each human is faced with at some point in their lives. Your poem indeed causes one to pause to think and evokes feelings that must be acknowledged if not faced and answered. Good job!*Thumbsup*

*Butterflyv*Effectiveness of Form:You state at the bottem of your poem you use abcb 7-7-7-7 format. I found the abcb format to be consistant throughout the poem. However, unless I am completely mistaken, the Syllabic pattern is 7-6-7-6 throughout. That being said the poem reads well and flows in a pleasant manner.


*Pencil*Punctuation and Grammar:*Pencil*I found your punctuation and grammar to be flawless.*Thumbsup*The punctuation used allowed the reader to know where to pause, where to stop and where to continue on rendering the poem to flow well when read aloud. Cuddos to you.


*Star*Closing comments:*Star*Dr. Gupta I am honored to review your work. I am somewhat intimidated by even attempting to do so, for you are the more experienced and knowledgable in poetry writing. I have learned much from reading your articles of self-help in writing poetry. If I have erred in diagnosing the Syllabic pattern above, please let me know and I will re-rate your poem from 4.5 to 5.0. I enjoyed it and others in your port as well. Thank you for sharing your work.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sandy
35
35
Review of Love Wears a Mask  
In affiliation with Advanced Newbies/Mentors/ Revi...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Allyann! After reading "Love Wears a Mask, I am reviewing your work as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy!:
Please accept these suggestions in the vein they are offered, as a help only. Anything you agree with please feel free to use. Anything you feel distracts from your work please disregard. You are after all the author.

DISCLAIMER:I am not a professional critic or editor so please accept my views as an opinion. I wish only to offer encouragement and share some of the skills WDC has taught me.

*Key*Storyline:Your story has possibilities of being filled with mystery, suspense, romance and the timeline at a time where use of imagery can virtually explode.

*Note1* First Impression:You have a story to tell. While it needs some polishing and brushing up it has the potential to be an engrossing tale.

As such, I have offered some suggestions below to help enhance your well thought up work. Please do not take offense at these. It is only because I think you have a story that can be made into an outstanding work that I do so.


*Note2*Imagery/Emotion:
*Butterflyo*There are several areas of your work that can be fleshed out with imagery. One of these would be to give a vivid description of Thornton Hall. Paint a picture with words for your reader. We know it was a white building built by ancesters, but it could be so much more.

Another is the ball itself. You wrote:This year Lady Holmes outclassed her usual style. This year the ball was fancier than ever,

Tell your reader what you see as you enter the massive doorway. Describe the decorations, the excitement, the emotions flowing, the people already in attendance a little more. Tell me what Lucy is wearing. What colors, jewelry, plain, exotic? Make me feel, see, smell the surroundings.


*Butterflyb*He was all tense by now. How do we know he is tense? Are his muscles knotting? Is his stomach churning? Does his mind seem befuddled?

*Butterflyr**Balloon2* Jordan raised a wall of vine. Beneath it there was a wooden door. Good choice of words. I can see the vines and the door. Good writing!*Balloon2*

*Note3* Suggestions:
*Pencil*Your first sentence can be improved somewhat. How about:The carriage rattled on the paved road, jerking the coach and his master violently. This is only a suggestion of a change. You may have some better ideas describing the ride with words such as these: bouncing, vaulting, jostling.

*Pencil*Let's get this story off to a riviting start and revise the second sentence too. The coach gritted his teeth expecting angry grumbling from his master who was inside the carriage. He knew his master was in a moody temper; yet the grumbling never came.

Rewriting this part of your work causes it to flow better. It enables your reader to get a better picture of the situation.


*Pencil*The use of dashes in your work is overused. Try going back to each place you have used them and create shorter more descriptive sentences. In doing this you will find the imagery in your work will be enhanced enormously.

*Pencil*Let's take a look at this:[Read it aloud.] Some of the most important matches were started at Lady Holmes' ball one way or another. Lady Holmes had a habit of taking credit for some of the most important matches, which started during her masquerades one way or another.

Do you detect that this sounds redundant? A couple of things may be done to remedy this. 1)Eliminate one of the sentences. 2)Rewrite the sentences in a manner that gives the same information without your wording being exactly the same.


*Pencil*Here is another sentence that can be made a little stronger: As they both didn’t know what to say to each other there was an uneasy pause.

There was an uneasy pause. Both found they were at a loss for words.


*Balloon1*Realizing that he had just been staring at her for the past minute, the duke looked away. What the hell was he doing?! He was acting like a schoolboy! He was three and thirty already.*Balloon1*This is very well written. I particularly like the way you give his age. It is spot on for the timeline of your story. Good job!

*Pencil*needed to get out there now. I am wondering if you meant [out of there] here?

*Note4*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
*Pencil*You need to double space between your paragraphs to allow easier reading and comprehending by your reader.

*Pencil*I will tell nobody. Change this to no one.

*Balloon3*You did a very good job with spelling and grammar in your work. I like the fact that you use terms such as milord keeping the story true to timeline.*Balloon3*

Rating and Overall Impression:I give you a rating of 3.5. I feel this story can be a 5.0 with a little rewritng and fleshing out. If you choose to go back and do this, please let me know. I would be honored to read it again and give you a higer rating. It is a lovely story with much potential.

*Star*

Sandy/WhisperingHope

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36
36
Review of The Only One  
In affiliation with Advanced Newbies/Mentors/ Revi...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Ali!
I have read your story
 The Only One  (13+)
After a year of solitude, Jay discovers she is not as alone as she thought.
#1718680 by Alexandra Jones


As a student of the Rockin' Review Academy I offer you this review for the Rockin' Gift Station. As author, you naturally have final say as to whether you feel any suggestion I may give is worthwhile for your work. Please know the opinions I present are only intended to improve and encourage.

First Impression:Your story is riviting. It is filled with action that flows at a fast pace keeping your reader willed with anticipation.

Imagery/Emotion Impact:Your description of your characters are amazing. Your readers will feel as if they are viewing the story from a movie screen. You bring your characters from animal to human mesmerizing your reader each step of the way.Well done!

Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation:Your use of connector words such as and are overused and redundant.

Allow me to offer you some examples:
*Pencil*I take two slow steps forward, the pads of my paws silencing the sound of my movement, and crouch down in the tall, golden grass that so perfectly camouflages my coat.
I suggest: I take two slow steps forward, the pads of my paws silencing the sound of my movement. As I crouch down in the tall, golden grass it perfectly camouflages my coat.

*Pencil*The intruder perks his ears at the sound., and I leap from my hiding place in the grass.

*Pencil*His ears lay flat against his skull., and heHe lets loose an angry hiss as he swipes at the air with his paw, unsheathing deadly claws.

Suggestions:

*Note1*Review your story to seek out as many of these connector words as possible to enhance the quality of your story.

*Note2*Delete the word plus in your fifth paragraph. It adds nothing to the overall story.

*Note3*But theThe sweep of his paw connects. - hisHis claws bite into my cheek like razors, andas the metallic taste of blood floods my mouth. The power of the blow leaves me stunned., and he Heuses the openingthis opportunity to throw his full weight on top of me.

*Star*Permit me to suggest retaining a copy of your story as it is written now. Review, edit, and revise it based on the recommendations above. Once this is done, read your story aloud again.


Overall Impression and Rating:I rate your story as it is a 4.0. It has the potential to be an astounding book. I am not generally a reader of erotica in any form. You, however, could cause me to change my mind. You have created a story containing action, suspense, fantasy, and romance in a moving, tactful manner.VERY WELL DONE!

Sandy~HopeWhisperer

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37
Review of Mourning Showers  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:Your narrative and dialogue were true to your work all the way through. This is an important part of a good story.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:You did a very good job of this area of your work. It was never dragging, yet said all it needed to say to be a good piece.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:You have accomplished in a natural way of displaying true feelings and emotion on a higher level of a relationship that many view as "wrong". You did a good job of showing how the parents felt about this relationship and also how each partner viewed it. Very well done.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:I found none and applaud you.
         *RainbowL*

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:I gave you a rating of 5.0 for the manner in which this story was written and the impact it has on your reader.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sandy
38
38
Review of Let Go  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:The narrative and dialogue of your story is done very well. It is believable and appears to be personal experience.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:You have interjected an natural flow to your character's thoughts. Very well done.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:You packed many emotions into a small space and made it very believable to your reader. It was easy to feel the depth of your character's love, dependence, hurt, and devastation at having to give up that which she desired the most for her life.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
*Note1*In your second paragraph I would reread this sentence within the paragraph and rewrite to make my point clearer.Sentence:She hadn't looked like this at one time.Suggestion:She had not always looked like this. To make it read even smoother add at to your next sentence. You are the author and it may be just as you want it. If so, please disregard my suggestion.


*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:I rate your work a 4.5 for the impact it makes on your reader and a work well written.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sandy


39
39
Review of Lent assignments  
In affiliation with The Annual Lenten Adventure  
Rated: E | (5.0)


*Note1*I think you hit the nail on the head about Peter's mother-in-law being healed: she was able to wait on them as evidence that she had truly been healed and it was a miracle.

*Note2*I think this is the most powerful statement in your assignment: Jesus has made the point here that the spiritual side of God is more powerful then money or material power. Of course when one is given these things then the best thing to do is to use it to help God.

*Note3*You did a wonderful job of explaining the healing of the blind man also.

*Bird*Thank you for giving us this insight to these three miracles and what they can mean to us also.

*1577125* Sandy



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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:You chose words well and expressed not only the trials and agony of this disabling disease that attacked your body but the triumphs and victories as well.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:The way you wrote this was exceptional in my viewpoint. I liked the way you had each step in bold type and an explaination to follow. Well done.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:I was moved by the inspiration your work reflects. Unless one is familar with Rheumatoid Arthritis they cannot imagine the effects it can have on an individual, family, and friends. I have a friend who has the disease and can fully relate to the subject of this work. She is not in remission and is in a nursing home out of necessity, but like you offers inspiration to others in spite of the disease.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:I found nothing to correct here.
         *RainbowL*

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:I give you a rating of 5.0 for the impact, content and excellent expression you offer to your readers.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sandy


41
41
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum [E]!!!*RainbowR*


Disclaimer: I must admit I do not know enough about types and requirements of poetry to give you a worthy review of your poem. I can offer you my humble opinion.

*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:I found this to be delightful!

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:Very good. The poem seems to sing a song all the way through. I enjoyed it immensely.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:Again you did a wonderful job with imagery and emotion in this work.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:This could be sticky: The proper spelling of the following words is different, but I think they may be correct in your country. I list them only because I am in America and do not consider it a correction only for information:
*Note1*realises--realizes
*Note2*favourite--favorite
*Note3*flavour--flavor
*Note4*savour--savor


         *RainbowL*

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:I gave you a rating of 4.5 and really enjoyed your work. Thank you for sharing.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sandy


42
42
Review of From the ashes  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum [E]!!!*RainbowR*


Disclaimer: Please note I am not a professional editor nor reviewer of poetry. I love to read it and even attempt to write it BUT I don't have the knowledge of the types and requirements of poetry to do more than offer my humble opinion.

*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:
You chose your words well and expressed much in a few words.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:I thought the poem flowed well and for the form I prefer centered poetry but it in no way takes away from the meaning of the poem.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:You did an exceptional job of using imagery and the emotion of this work shines through.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:I found nothing I would change.*Thumbsup*
         *RainbowL*

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:I gave you a 4.5 rating. I enjoyed this poem and will return to your port again. Thank you for sharing.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sandy


43
43
Review of The Visitor  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:I found the narrative and dialogue to be very believable and well done.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:
I rated this area as good and I found only one place I would have worded somewhat differently to make the story flow smoother:
There is nothing wrong per se with this sentence, but I had to read it a couple of times to get it's correct meaning:
*Check1* His parents were doing well, and she talked to them almost every day, but they lived so far away that it made it possible for them to come and see him only once a year.


Suggestion only: His parents were doing well and she talked to them almost every day. They lived so far away it made it impossible for them to come visit him more than once a year.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:You did an excellent job of imagery and I shed tears as I read, so I think you get an A+ for emotion.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
I found a few misspelled words as follows:
*Note1*no wedding band beside if it. sheShe left his side
*Note2*upon hercheckcheek, her hand atop his.


*Bulletv*brought to see him One she had introduced--A period needs to be placed between him and One.

         *RainbowL*

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:I gave you a rating of 4.5 due to finding some minor errors within your work. The story is good and I enjoyed your work greatly. Thank you for sharing.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sandy




44
44
Review of Lent Assignment  
In affiliation with The Annual Lenten Adventure  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi! After reading "Lent Assignment, I offer you these comments:
Please accept these suggestions in the vein they are offered, as a help only.



*Check1* First Impression:You have taken your character to heart and done extensive research on him in an effort to portray this character on our journey.



*Check1*What I liked:The detailed way you describe your character.



*Check1* Suggestions:
*Note2*I would have liked to have seen a little more about your personal life, but that is strickly optional on our journey. I, like you, enjoy the interaction of fellow travelers.

*Note3*I think your assignment would have been easier to read if it were double-spaced between paragraphs.

*Note1*I would like to make a comment on one statement you made in your assignment:
The thing is that I do think of my character as too good to deserve Hell-None of us are good enough to deserve heaven either...God provided salvation to us by Jesus shedding his precious blood for us and we gain entry by accepting that sacrifice. Titus 2:11 (King James Version)

11 For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men,


Ephesians 2:8-9 (King James Version)

8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:

9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.


*Balloon1**Star**Flower1**Flower2**Star**Balloon1*


Thank you for being a part of the Lenten Adventure. See you there.


Sandy











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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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I found this to be delightful!*Smile*

I could relate quite well with it as I am sure most of WDC members can. Thank you for sharing and giving my day a boost with a chuckle.

I rate your work a 5.0. Don't find a thing I'd change.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sandy
46
46
Review of More About Me  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:Sherri, it was like sitting down with a cup of coffee*coffee2* and conversation with a friend. Well done.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:I found this area of this work to be good.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:I particularly enjoyed your use of MLwriting here. It added more personality to the conversation.*Smile*

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:My only suggestion would be as you have changes in thoughts and life to write them and share them with WDC readers. I also consider each member a part of the family and enjoy learning as much as possible about them.
         *RainbowL*

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:I gave you a 5.0 rating and thank you for sharing a part of yourself.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sandy


47
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum [E]!!!*RainbowR*


Please accept this review as my opinions only as I am not a professional editor. I love to read and know what reads well thus I offer you these comments. Please know YOU are the author and have last say.

*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:You give a lead in of different areas that may be visited in a story in this work. Good.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:You go through several senarios rather quickly. Since this is a prologue that is fine.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:Done well for a prologue.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:{c}
*Note1*recognised should be recognized

*Note1*In our search to be special, any crime we commit can be justified.
[How about: In our search to stand out or be different,]

*Note1*But in other’s quests to be special,
[try using unique instead of special]

The use of the word special is redundant when used exclusively. It would add to your work to substitute other words occasionally.
         *RainbowL*

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:My rating for this prologue is 4-5. As a lead-in to a story, it needs a little sprucing up with better word choices, but overall was done well. It has piqued my curiosity now and I find I want to find out what comes next...That should be the purpose of a prologue so I'd say you were successful in snagging your reader.*Thumbsup*

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sandy


48
48
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*Narrative & Dialogue:Your narrative and dialogue were very well done for the content of this writing.

*ButterflyO*Form & Flow:I found the form and flow of your work to be well done and very effective for this work.

*ButterflyG*Imagery & Emotion:Exceptional descriptions...I could see, feel and smell each flower as you painted a picture with words. My face is streaked with tears as I remember going through this myself a few years ago. Excellent imagery of a dark place in life for one who remains.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
*Note1*Your very first sentence is a fragment.

*Note1*I am unsure of the double set of colons at the beginning of your work. It could be intentional for appearance.

*Note1*to keep smiling, I knew I’d miss you if you-The comma after smiling should be a period.


*Note1* Too much more.-This is another sentence fragment. However, written in the context it is, I understand what it means. Not sure I'd change it, but not sure someone with professional editing skills would not like to see it in a complete sentence.

*Note1*I took in my surroundings,
[I would make this comma a period.] I was not in the same world we had been in,[I would also make this comma a period] I couldn’t be,[I would make this comma a semi colon] It was too different…


*Note1*myself, I gently

         *RainbowL*

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:I rate your work 4.5. There are a few minor changes to be made, but the impact of the work overrides such mistakes. Thank you for sharing your work and I shall visit your port again.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sandy


49
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In affiliation with The Annual Lenten Adventure  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
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As a companion on the most awesome Lenten journey I've ever traveled I would like to give you this review of your Assignment
The Lenten Adventure So Far  (E)
My character/personal views about The Lenten Adventure.
#1759480 by Princess Megan Rose

Megan:
*Flower1*Narrative and Dialogue:The way you slip from the world we live in today into an ancient world so easily is apparent in your assignment. I can see you as Mara clearly through your words.

*Flower2*Imagery and Emotion:The fact that you share who you are as well as your character helps our journey be one of friends travelling on a path toward Eternity with Dad in two different times in history.

*Flower3* Rating and Overall Impression:I rate you a 5 for the impact you have exhibited through your work.

Sandy/Levi

50
50
Rated: E | (5.0)
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*Sun*Thank you Gabriella for the GP's for one of my reviews. I was not aware this group existed.

*Note1*You have a group of outstanding members and mentors of WDC.

I always wonder if I am extending a good review to those whose work I read and review and your comments verified perhaps I am helpful and constructive in my opinions of and to others.

Thank you for the boost I needed.

*Flower1*Sandy}*Flower4*
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