You have created a wonderful contest filled with intrigue and inspiration. It can take wings in many directions allowing each author to interact with the overall story.
My thoughts tonight offer one view of apocalyptic happenings. On another night they could roam in a totally different direction and still fit in perfectly with the theme.
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Rockin PDG Gift Station Review!
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Greetings! I am making this review for The Rocking PDG Gift Station:
Disclaimer: Please accept this review as a learning tool as it is intended to be. Let me assure you I am not a professional and the review is only my opinion. Please accept the review as this only and know you are the author and as such have the choice of not having to accept any suggestions I may make for only the author of any work can decide whether or not to edit and rewrite or leave as is.
Storyline:The key to any short story is the storyline. You have chosen an interesting storyline with potential to be captivating to readers.
Punctuation:I detected several errors in punctuation such as those found in Paragraphs 8 & 9: You wrote:
On the way to the hotel I kept hearing voices, at the beginning I thought it might be the wind, but then I realized that they were human voices, I could hear them talk.
“poor girl.” The voice chuckled
My suggestions: On the way to the hotel, I kept hearing voices. In the beginning, I thought it might be the wind. Realization dawned on me the voices were human. I could hear them talk without a doubt.
"Poor girl," a voice chuckled.
Good punctuation allows your reader to grasp more of the meaning and flow of your story.
Every author's target is to woo, entice, and captivate the reader from beginning to end of each story. I think your story conceivably has the possibility to this. I gave you a rating of 2.5 because I feel you need to go back, edit and flesh out your story. Lead your reader more. Confound them. Don't be so quick to give them a conclusion to the mystery.
Example: Instead of: Last Thursday, there was that big party that the magazine I work for made for becoming the number one magazine in the middle east. I didn’t want to go but what can I do I was the Editor!
How about: Last Thursday was party central time! I work for a magazine, not just ANY magazine, the number one magazine in the middle east. My preference would have been a quiet night at home curled in front of a cozy fire with a good book and a glass of wine. Not showing up was out of the question since I am the editor!
Your story can become a masterpiece with some work. As in all other things, practice makes perfect and writing is no exception. If you are interested WDC offers much assistance in better writing skills through free courses given by different groups and some that will cost you some gps, but well worth it. I have never taken part in any of these that have not improved my writing knowledge and skill.
It is my hope I have not discouraged you in the least, instead encouraged you to take another look at your story and do some rewriting. I would be honored to adjust the rating for this story if you do this. Simply email me and let me know if this is something you'd like to do.
General Disclaimer: This review reflects my opinion and is given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. I hope you find this review helpful.
EXCELLENT ARTICLE!
SUGGESTIONS:
This article should be copied and sent home with every child in schools everywhere.
I have a child with a severe case of ADHD and Dyslexia. One has a mild case. One is in the exceptional learning slot. I can see myself and their dad in the article as well.
I fought to have my dyslesic son in a class that assisted his disability in the formative years of creating classes for this problem. It was an uphill battle. The schools only wanted to place him in a class with children who were retarded which was not his problem at all. I finally won out for other parents to have their children in such classes, but even today there is much ignorance on these subjects.
Thank you for a well written article addressing the problem and offering compassion and understanding.
Please accept this review as it is intended to be an encouraging help only. It is only my opinion as I am not a professional editor.
"This is an official First People's Review."
I see this was a contest entry which makes me wonder if it had a word count specification.
I saw a couple of places I think would make a more profound story if fleshed out a bit more. One such instance is the description of "this beautiful glowing creature.} Was the creature small, large, blue, white, pink or purple perhaps? Another place is the very beginning of the story. Embellishing the sparkling stars would have made a more enticing, magical atmosphere. One more was "In less than a twinkling, Moira was once again a beautiful golden fairy." How about __In less than a twinkling, sparkling flecks of fairy dust flying, Moira was once again a beaufitul golden fairy. ?
TITLE
I loved the title. It draws one to want to know how and why it was a long way home.
While not wrong, you could have put Moria's thoughts in italiacs and deleted the tags in a couple of places. However, it depends on the age of your reader as to whether this method of showing thoughts would be used.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I enjoyed this story of faries and enchantment. I will be sharing it with my own grandchildren and using it as a discussion board of how we should hold true to who we are and how at times we can become caught up in the atmosphere of where we are and who we are with enought to change who we should be. I like the last of your story where mother explains sometimes a mom has to let go and allow her little one to try her wings and there is no shame in failing only in not trying.
Wonderful story. Perfect name for your character too!! Thank you for sharing your talent.
Please allow me to make this humble review of your work
Ambushed (ASR) Western Fiction: A Texas Ranger Captain flees from Mescalero Apaches after being ambushed. #1192539 by Bluesman
I offer this review as my opinion only. Accept the things you agree with and kindly disregard those you feel detract from your intention as the author.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling/Suggestions:
1)In the third paragraph I think you should add a comma after sommerse for easier reading.
2)While your first sentence of the fourth paragraph is not incorrect I would suggest adding a semi-colon after trouble.
3)Two arrows whizzed by, but a the third pierced his boot lodging painfully in the back of his right leg.
4)might and let letting his horse flee as he felt
5)When he reached them, he turned north, and slowed some along the side of the hill as his ranger swayed in the saddle from pain and loss of blood. (I deleted commas, added a comma, changed one word, added a word to help this read better.)
6) woman. and Although he could not see her face
7)He closed his eyes for a time remaining silent, and wondered if he was in danger, and tried to remember how he got into this cave. Try: He closed his eyes for a time remaining silent and wondered if he was in danger. He tried to remember how he got into this cave.
8)nurtured his wounds, and was protecting him, but was also concerned about the safety of his men.
9)It was Apache tongue and he did not understand, but again she whispered and suddenly in an instant, he remembered.
10)Fading further into the cave's darkness, she touched his shoulder releasing those bindings as well, which fell silentlywithout sound to the ground and also vanished.
11)no answer, butonly a faint echo.
12)walked slowly ambled through the smoke
Absolute BEST description: "everything around him faded into white." Ingenious!
Overall impression:A well written story that held my interest throughout. I would suggest going back and making an attempt to find different, stronger words for most of your words ending in ly to offer your reader stronger descriptions.
I enjoyed this work very much. Thank you for sharing your port with me.
Hello Loti! I read "Autumn" and I want to offer yout this review:
Emotional Impact:Your poem represented the feel, smell, and look of autumn.
Effectiveness of Form:The form was fine. It was a short piece of poetry, but very effective.
Punctuation and Grammar:I found no errors in this area of your writing.
Closing comments:As autumn is making itself known I was drawn to this poem of yours. It effectively described the world during this time of year, which is the purpose of our writing is it not...for others to experience the effects of our words.
Hello Two Bears! After reading " "Grandpop and the Bear"" , I offer you these comments:
Please accept these suggestions in the vein they are offered, as a help only. Anything you agree with please use. However, if you feel anything I may suggest takes away from your work, kindly disregard it.
First Impression:I was transported back in time to days spent with my own Grandfather, who was the delight of my life. We spent many days fishing and I learned endlessly from the stories he told.
What I liked:I liked the fact that your story could be enjoyed by adults as well as children. I fully intend to read this story to my grandchildren this weekend. Afterward we will discuss how it must have felt to be scared of the bear, the security an adult offered, the pleasure in the laughter of such a silly old bear, and at last how one thing leads to another and everything we do has a consequence.
Suggestions:This would indeed be outstanding with illustrations!
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: In the second paragraph you have a semi colon where a comma should be used after the word before. I would eliminate the second semi colon after flashlight.
I would add a comma after legs in the last sentence of paragraph 2.
All we could say was.
"Hurry Grandpop" and he would say.
" The fish aren't going anywhere are they?"
I would rewrite this to read: All we could say was, "hurry Grandpop."
He would always reply, "The fish aren't going anywhere are they?"
But we knew that when we got there Grandpop would tell us to be very quiet, because the fish would hear us... Delete the word but and the comma after quiet.
"Sshhhhhhhhh". But then he said
" Be very quiet!" Add a comma after said and simply move "Be very quiet!" up.
What is it Grandpop?" we whispered? Replace the question mark after whispered with a period.
Two Bears, there are a few more minor punctuation errors that need to be corrected for publication. I did not point them out because I was afraid it would appear as if I were nit-picking your work. They are really minor and do not take away the meaning and the overall feeling your story generates.
I enjoyed it very much and thank you for the pleasure of sharing your portfolio.
Emotional Impact:This poem really speaks to everyone with it's excellent wisdom.
Effectiveness of Form:The form used enables the reader to feel the flow of the poem.
Punctuation and Grammar:I found no errors here.
Closing comments:I enjoyed this poem and feel you did a wonderful job of expressing your feelings. My favorite part of the poem was the last stanza. Good job!
Hello Ken! I read "Apocrypha" and I want to offer yout this review:
Emotional Impact:It utterly sucked me in as would the depths of the sea.
Effectiveness of Form:If only I could capture such effectiveness in my own work!!
Punctuation and Grammar:None noted.
Closing comments:I was mesmerized by this poem. I also entered this contest and my work seems so elementary after reading yours. My aspirations include becoming as adept as you have with poetry.
Thanks for a wonderful read. I also liked the visual aid of the picture.
Hi Robin! After reading "The Eyes of a Jew…" , I offer you these comments:
Please accept these suggestions as my opinion only.
First Impression:You have written an outstanding piece filled with facts, feelings, myths, truths.
What I liked:I like the way you combined poetry with an educational piece on the members of the Jewish faith.
Suggestions:My ONLY suggestion would be to have this published and for all to read it to get a better view of the world in the eyes of the Jew.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:I found no errors here, but I might add I was so interested in the work I could have overlooked something.
This was an exceptional piece that has offered me the best view of the often berated Jew I have seen. Thank you for sharing your views and giving me a better understanding of that view.
What georgous colors! One would without a doubt have to believe there is a God with something this beautiful depicted on paper. How could one even possess such a talent if not for an omnipotent God to grant such talent.
You must be immensely proud of your daughter. How I love to see a father, mother, or sibling take such pride in a loved one and their accomplishments.
Emotional Impact:Your poetry speaks to everyone. As in all things human, it may say different things to different people. It really touched me as I also lost my father at the beginning of this year.
Effectiveness of Form:I like the form used. It is read with easy flow.
Punctuation and Grammar:I found no errors in this area of your poem.
Closing comments:I think your poem profoundly expresses how truly different we all are and how amazingly alike in the end.
Hi Ebil! After reading "Slynokio" , I offer you these comments:
Please accept these suggestions in the vein they are offered, as a help only. Anything you agree with please use. Anything you feel detracts from your intent as author kindly disregard.
First Impression:You have created a fantasy story with potential.
What I liked:I enjoy stories of fantasy and dragons.
Suggestions: pick out berries--Omit out Grass swayed by the wind.--Sentence fragment alerted on its presence.--by it's presence reads better Then it watched her lay writhing and panting helplessly.-Then it watched as she lay writhing, panting without hope of escaping.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: Those eyes followed every move the eldest woman went, following her.--Redundancy, change went to took and omit following her. birds was --should be were Seeking to eat the dark--need a comma after eat This wasn't its first time in need of food risking death if it doesn't eat soon.--Insert a comma after food AND change doesn't to didn't to correct your tense. Success, it was--Put an exclamation point after success then begin a new sentence.
I like the concept of the story you have written. However, I felt it would be viewed as being to harsh a review if I corrected each and every mistake detected. I listed several above. Your story line is very good; the idea intriguing. You need much rewriting however, to have a great story. You use adverbs a lot ending in ly. Try going over your work and replace all ly words with a stronger descriptive word or words when possible. This will make a profound difference in the quality of your writing.
I hope I haven't been to discouraging. I, too, have to rewrite a story many times to get it right. It just takes practice, but is worth it when that AWESOME story is the result.
If you decide to rewrite and correct errors in tense, spelling, and punctuation I would be honored to re-read and upgrade the rating on this story.
Hi Marleigh Rose! After reading "Delusions of Grandeur - Chapters 3 & 4" , I offer you these comments:
Please accept these suggestions in the vein they are offered, as a help only. Anything you agree with please use.
First Impression:
You did a superb job of these chapters as well.
Suggestions:
street, looking right and then left
before repeating it ten times. No one. You just need to backspace this to the proper position.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: than, damn it, it would go from our hands to his.--than should be then. ideas, in fact, if I hadn’t--put a period after ideas and begin a new sentence. pantries---should be pantry's
Again I suggest going back over your story and attempt to change out the ly adverbs with stronger descriptive words.
Your writing allows a reader to be in the story. Your descriptions are so vivid you live out the scenes as you read.
Hi Marleigh Rose! After reading "Delusions of Grandeur" , I offer you these comments:
Please accept these suggestions in the vein they are offered, as a help only. Anything you agree with please use. If you feel anything offered detracts from your intention as author, please disregard.
First Impression:What a remarkable, well written story!
What I liked:
This was an excellent descriptive paragraph: And his smell. Oh. My. God. I had that ridiculous teenage girl giggle rolling up from my stomach which mixed somewhere before it hit my mouth with a sigh. He smelled like a man. Not like a nasty, single guy smell, but a woodsy, musky scent that wasn’t from a bottle. Outstanding job!
Suggestions: I wondered if it only sounded slightly hysterical to my ears alone.---Since you use the word slight in the next paragraph how about using the word somewhat instead of slightly here? I’d obviously woke him---I think awakened sounds better.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: focus on; something---omit semi colon wear there was---should be where instead of wear
I found a few minor areas that could be improved upon and listed above. I also noticed you use adverbs ending in ly quite often. While your story flowed very well, these can be dangerous to writing GREAT instead of good stories. Go back and just try changing the ly words to a stronger descriptive word/words. It won't work every time, but will improve even good stories.
Hi Martina! After reading "II -- Watching Time Go By" , I offer you these comments:
Please accept these suggestions in the vein they are offered, as a help only. Anything you agree with please use. Disregard if you disagree.
First Impression:Another wonderfully written account of Aunt Sarah.
What I liked:Aunt Sarah who loves her neice beyond words of description and her neice who returns that same love.
Suggestions: I think I love this woman, and I hope she could be my friend for a long time.” This sentence doesn't quite make the grade. I think it would sound better if hope were hoped.
Her privacy had been invaded; her fragile demolished; her trust in people challenged. Her fragile--what?
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:I detected no errors here.
Thank you for sharing such a deeply moving part of your life.It has been a true gift.
Hi alz heimer! After reading "I -- Someday, She'll Forget Who I Am" , I offer you these comments:
Please accept these suggestions in the vein they are offered, as a help only. Anything you agree with please use. If you feel my suggestions detract from your intent as author simply disregard.
First Impression:You have done an exceptional job of chronicling the painfully destructive disease in your Aunt.
What I liked:Where do I begin? Well, the love displayed by you and your family toward your aunt who in a very short period of time has metamorphosed into a complete stranger. Next, the support you lend to one another encompassing Mark too.
Suggestions:Share this story with everyone you know to aid in the knowledge of the disease and to let others know there is someone who understands the depth of sorrow and loss when a loved one displays symptoms of alzheimer's.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
breath1--remove the 1 at the end of breath
Tears are still falling as I recall the moments experienced with an aunt of my own and my beloved father who passed away in January of this year who also had alzheimers.
This has been the best written, most informative, well-described work I have read in many a day.
Hi Shannon! After reading "You Can Sleep While I Drive" , I offer you these comments:
Please accept these suggestions in the vein they are offered, as a help only.
First Impression:You have written an outstanding recount of life beginning in promise and hope and ending in the same manner.
What I liked:The factual way you write the medical team working on Lara.
Suggestions:I don't see a thing I'd change.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:I found no errors in this area of your story.
Your story was one that could be understood by anyone reading it. A full life is not always a long one as you so aptly showed in this story. Lara left no doubt to her family she loved them. She shared only good things, places, experiences with the love of her life and he the love of his.
Tragic that they died so young or was it?
I enjoyed this story very much and hope to see more of them.
Emotional Impact:You are very effective at expressing emotion in your poetry.
Effectiveness of Form:I like the way this poem looks on paper. I'm not sure why this is so important to me, but the way it looks adds to the impact it makes on me.
Punctuation and Grammar:None detected.
Closing comments:You expressed the turmoil encased by survivors of suicide victims. I'm not sure why the deceased is termed the victim; it is the ones left to overcome the loss that are really the victims.
I see a person in your writing who is struggling, but making it. You still have many questions that have no answer. I feel the pain of the child who was not cared for as it should have been, then abandoned by someone who should have done anything (get well) to protect and love it.
You don't see it but, I also see a mother who thought her child would be better off without a mother in her mental shape.
My prayers are with you. If you ever need to talk I am available to listen.
Hello turtle! I read "Red Tears" and I want to offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:It had good emotional impact showing deep felt hurt over a loss.
Effectiveness of Form:Again I like poetry centered. It just adds to the presentation to me.
Punctuation and Grammar:No errors I detected.
Closing comments:Now, I really liked the poem BUT I'm not sure I understand it. My overall impression is one of two things happened here: 1)another child experiencing deep wounds joined the child coloring or 2)it was the deceased mother joining the child in spirit.
I think your title is one of the best I've encountered.
Keep writing. Continue to express yourself through your words.
Hello turtle! I read and I want to offer yout this review:
Emotional Impact:You impart great emotional impact on your reader with this heartfelt poem. I can see you as a child attempting to be like your mother at any cost.
Effectiveness of Form:I think the form of your poem would look better if you center it. This is just a suggestion. It doesn't take away from the meaning of the poem's message left as it is currently.
Punctuation and Grammar:I found no errors here
Closing comments:My family has experienced death by suicide so your poem expressed feelings I can understand.
A beautiful recount of your illness and the lessons you have learned. This is a wonderful way to help and encourage others facing difficulties to be inspired to look beyond the pain, the fear, the dark clouds to the sun shinning beyond the dardness. Many prayers at WDC were answered when you got back with us. Prayers for your continued good health.
Hi ARALLS! After reading "Jaycee's Imagination" , I offer you these comments:
Please accept these suggestions in the vein they are offered, as a help only. Anything you agree with please use.
First Impression:Beautiful story in more ways than one. Precious moments shared with a daughter can never be replaced.
What I liked:That Mom learned a valuable lesson from a child in tune with God's gift of Guardian Angels.
Suggestions:Wouldn't change a thing.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:I found no errors here.
A touching story that will stay with me. Thank you.
Hello! I read "Southern Woods" and I want to offer yout this review:
Emotional Impact: You offer your reader your feelings about your surroundings in a resounding manner.
Effectiveness of Form: I thought the form was excellent. A bonus is that centered your poem even resembles a tree in shape. Outstanding!!
Punctuation and Grammar: I found no errors here.
Closing comments:I loved your poem. The title captivated me instantly. I am from the South and love the woods. My favorite part of your poem was the giggling water. Wonderful poem!
Sandy
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Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling/Suggestions: 
Overall impression:A well written story that held my interest throughout. I would suggest going back and making an attempt to find different, stronger words for most of your words ending in ly to offer your reader stronger descriptions. 
In the second paragraph you have a semi colon where a comma should be used after the word before. I would eliminate the second semi colon after flashlight.
But we knew that when we got there Grandpop would tell us to be very quiet, because the fish would hear us...
Success, it was--Put an exclamation point after success then begin a new sentence. 
Thank you for sharing such a deeply moving part of your life.
It has been a true gift.
of alzheimer's.
are still falling as I recall the moments experienced with an aunt of my own and my beloved father who passed away in January of this year who also had alzheimers. 
You offer your reader your feelings about your surroundings in a resounding manner.