Hello Blue, how are you? I have just read your new poem, "The Thing I Didn't Realise Before," and thought I would leave some comments.
A lovely poem telling how a young person suddenly realises his/her parent's worth. I think we all take another person for granted at times, then something happens that makes us realise.
I know English is not your first language, so I have a few corrections for you.
does't, should be, doesn't, do not, or don't.
did't, should be, did not or didn't.
Also throughout the poem you are speaking of both mum and dad, so parent becomes parents.
Hello BlackEmily, how are you? I have just read your essay, " Define Happiness," and thought I would leave some comments.
What a great message you have written here. I reaaly enjoyed reading this. Unfotunately, I do not think enough people have your way of thinking. We should all be happy and content without all the fancy things you speak of in your essay.
Suggestion: This line, "Actually, I want to extend my deepest and genuineness gratitude to my parents for raising me like this..." Should read,"Actually, I want to extend my deepest and most geniune gratitude to my parents for raising me like this..." "there is no such thing as, "genuineness gratitude."
Hello pugmonster, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your poem, "The End," and thought I would leave some comments.
I really hope the end is not near!
I can see what you are saying in your poem and of course, in the third verse, you are right, we are greedy.
Suggestions: I think there is a little too much repition and lines that mean the same thing. For example:
The end is near
The end is nigh
Near and nigh mean the same thing.
Also: These two lines mean the same thing too.
Many are saved
And many are safe,
Hello Stephanie, how are you? I have just read your story, "Faithlessness," and thought I would leave some comments.
What a very tragic story and yet, in the midst of it all, she still has faith. It is difficult to have faith in today's society but somehow, we have to.
One typo, "wondering the streets," should be wandering the streets."
Hello S,D.Teller, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your story, "My Dream<" and thought I would leave some comments.
What a strange dream, wanting iced coffee in the middle of a tornado! We do dream some strange things.
Suggestions: This is just my opinion but, I would have the opening line, read something like. "I once dreamed, my family and I.... The word "that" does not really need to be there.
Also to separate in to two paragraphs rather than one long one.
Hello Blue, I see you have edited and the story reads much better.
All of that was just a dream but, he dreamed of the place they were about to visit.
There are a few more words that need to be replaced: In this line: " Dad was driving with a stern face, his hand grasped the steering, eyes focused on the hallway."
The first part : I would put , "Dad was driving with a stern look on his face." And this part: "eyes focused on the hallway," I think you may have meant road. A hallway is something inside a building.
Also I am not sure what you meant by this line:" I receded and collided my bag." perhaps, "I stepped back and tripped on my bag?"
Hello Hiroshi, thank you for your entry, "Jack," in the "Invalid Item" .
A good use of the limited 100 words. I like the opening line, the sort of line that makes you want to read on. And then, of course the panic and ending with what exactly he was running from.
This line: " As he maneuvered among the trees and the brush, he lost his footing." Did you mean bush or bushes? Although I have seen the word brush used before in this context, perhaps it is a word I do not know?
However, an enjoyable little story.
Good luck in the contest.
Please remember not to edit till the round is over.
Hello CDB, how are you? I have just read your poem, "Fire," and thought I would leave some comments.
What a good piece this is. I liked the way you have described a love you know you should not have but, cannot help wanting , by using the word fire. Reminds me of the saying, "If you play with fire, you expect to get burned." And how true.
I am not sure I liked these two lines:
Until you've turned to
Nothing but smoke and ash
I feel they could be replaced with better wording but, that is just my opinion.
Hello Raven, I have just read your short story, "Awake" and thought I would leave some comments.
I am the opposite to you when it comes to Motorbikes. I really dislike them and the noise they make. I dread it when I know my sons are out on them. But, we can not all like the same thing.
I enjoyed your little story. However, i did find it went off track a little and turned into more of a love story than the story of your first bike ride.
Also this line: "Even as a child the sound of a motorcycle could catch my ear what seemed to be miles away." I think you missed out the word "from," between ear and what.
Hello M.D. Andujar, how are you? Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your item, " Childhood Enthusiasm," and thought I would leave some comments.
Some great advice here. You are right, I think most of us have forgotten how to just be happy. There is always so much drama and confusion we have forgotten how to play. We wait for something to happen instead of going out there and getting it.
Suggestions: This would be easier on the reader if separated in to more paragraphs. The paragraphs seem too long.
Also this part: "there are no princes charming's to ride off with," should be, "there are no prince charmings to ride off with."
Hello Jamz, how are you? Welocme to WDC. I hope you enjpy your time here.
I have just read your chapter, "The Fire And The Bush," and thought I would leave some comments.
First of all I am not sure what the story line will be here, as so far it has only been about the fire and your recovery in hospital. I am sure we shall learn more as you add to it.
Second, I would like to see a little more action, show us what happened rather than tell. Use some dialogue, people and names.
Also you keep changing the size of the writing, which makes reading a little difficult.
Hello Jon, how are you. I am not sure if I have reviewed you before but, if not welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here. I have just read your story, " The Thing Upstairs," and thought I would leave some comments.
I really enjoyed reading this, what a curious tale. The whole thing had me engrossed from start to finish and I am very curious to find out what happens next.
I love that have used a cat as they are very mysterious creatures in my opinion and seems to be very fitting to your story.
I have not yet read chapter one, but be assured I shall.
Hello Sliding Otter, how are you? I have just read your article, "Priest Sexual Abuse- WhyDoes It Happen?" And thought I would leave some comments.
Your aticle is an interesting, well written read, however, in my humble opinion, I do not think the abuse happens anymore with priests than it does with non-priests. I think that, when it does happen with a priest, the shock is so great, that we hear about it more through the Media. There are, unforutnately, a lot of child abusers, from all walks of life.
Hello BScholl, how are you? I just found your poem," Soldier's Song," on the random reviews and thought I would leave some comments.
I love to read poems on soldiers. I think each word is written from the heart and in thanks to those who serve us.
The first first I found very powerful:
I'll fight. I'll fight, until that day
When dawn breaks night with golden rays,
When voices carry across the glades.
And they beat my face with soiled spades.
Hello Working Mom, how are you? I am not sure if I have reviewed you before but, if not, welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here.
I have just read your poem, " Nothing Remains The Same," and thought I would leave some comments.
Vert wise words in your poem, you are right nothing is ever promised and we have to be grateful and respect what we have, whether in people or objects.
I especially like these lines:
frowns that bring you down
and smiles that lift your heart high
But, I prefer the smiles that lift our hearts.
Thank you for sharing.
Sanita
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