|A very patriotic piece! I must admit, I was slightly confused at your shifting voice. At one moment you were speaking in first person, then second, then first again. At times the rhythm is off, usually with too many syllables crammed into it, such as in lines six, sixteen, and the last two lines.
A few comments:
In line twenty, you say "though you are dead". Who is dead? And who is speaking in this part?
In line twenty-three "Sharing with you my heart, soul". I suggest making it "my heart, my soul". But this is only a suggestion.
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