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1
1
Review of I'm Fine  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Cinn ! I will be reviewing your short story
 
STATIC
I'm Fine  (13+)
Everything is alright...
#1916119 by Cinn


Well that was depressing as all hell *Sob*, but guess what? You had me on the edge of my seat the whole time! *Shock*

This is the story of a woman with the unenviable profession of being an underwater photographer; the added caveat? She's afraid of diving/swimming or just water in general. Yikes.

For a short story you do a great job building up the tension, and with every action Abby takes, we're right there with her. We can sense the loneliness, we can feel the cold depths of the water, and as she meets her inevitable end, we're suffocating right along with her. Seriously, I felt claustrophobic for some reason. Kudos to you for drawing those emotions out of me while reading. Urgh.

Just one minute typo was noticed while reading this:

>>Taking one last salty breathe(breath)

Otherwise, this was a well-written short story that should keep the reader engaged from start to finish. Thanks for sharing this with us and keep on writing! *Smile*


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2
2
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo Fangus ! I will be reviewing your story
 Goosebumps, Sonny And Cher, And A Light  (E)
A Brief Visit From A Loved One
#2213123 by Fangus


Whoa! This was quite the story, I must say. *Shock*

I kept thinking this was fiction, but then the interjections of your real life happenings was like a slap to the face. This is definitely non-fiction.

I realize this was based off a prompt for Writer's Cramp, but in a way, I'm glad you decided to share this story with us. It opens up a door into your life - your childhood to be exact - and we get a glimpse of how growing up in the 70s with only your father must have been. Though it seems almost weird to say how sorry I am for your mother's loss after all these years, your story brings her to life all over again.

First off, I like the description of the 'fort' - every (or at least most) children have that special place they call their own, and you manage to bring the reader into that tiny room with you. It's clear you had affection for your father, but that affection is manifested tenfold with your mother especially with what you experience that night. I'm glad your father did not scoff or mock your observations because such things can affect a child quite negatively.

Your mention of other moments where you have experienced some supernatural elements might be considered odd to some, but you do not make it campy or ridiculous. It's even eerie how your friend was able to guess her name!

So, while reading - me being Ms. Nitpick noticed just one little typo below:

>>I look back on this now and I think a lot (of) people

Otherwise, this was quite an emotional read. Thanks so very much for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*



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3
3
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Sumojo ! I will be reviewing your poem
 A lifelong journey   (13+)
A romantic poem
#2213108 by Sumojo


Awww what a sweet poem! Truly romantic indeed.

It's a story woven into poetry; the tale of two young people falling in love all those years ago, the life they led since then and the grand finale of what the future holds or will hold for them.

The first stanza poses a question, not just to the narrator and her loved one, but to the reader. What really is one's definition of love? Perhaps the poem will let us know.

I like your allusion to the famous story by Shakespeare in the second stanza. I'm sure most of us are aware of who those two characters are, and I'm glad it helps to paint a picture of the kind of meeting our narrator and her loved one had. The last line was quite funny about the pill not having been invented yet. I'm surprised there was no 'accident'!

Another favorite section was the lines about running her fingers through his hair but now that hair is no longer there. Shows just how much time has passed and all they've achieved with their children, dogs, and escapades around the world.

The last stanza is quite poignant with their relationship compared to the leaves of a tree and its eventual withering. The inevitable will happen when they'll have to say their goodbyes, but until then, they'll always have each other.

There were just a couple of errors noted that I point out below. You're welcome to use or ignore as deem fit:

>>Like Romeo and Juliette (Juliet) when we first met

>>Sexual tension, led to frustration.
(you do not need a comma there)

>>We were joined by many on (in) this life

If you wish to see more about my corrections you can check out "A Guide to Punctuation

Overall, a lovely piece to tug the heartstrings. Thanks so very much for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*


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4
4
Review of Devoured  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hallo Charlie... 🌈 ! I will be reviewing your short story
 
STATIC
Devoured  (18+)
Kate is finally released. Ah, it feels good to be sane. What could possibly go wrong?
#1979155 by Charlie... 🌈


Oooh, I love stories of the creepy-crawlie side of things! So, let's dive into this shall we?

The story starts out innocently enough; our narrator appears to be going on a journey/trip with someone we discover is her sibling. Further reading details that our narrator isn't as 'normal' as society might want her to be. She circles between dealing with paranoid thoughts (or hallucinations) and the righteous doubts (and frustrations) of her companion.

You do a good job voicing her distress and making the reader empathize with her plight. We are almost desperate to hope she's right and that all she's been through is nothing more than an unfortunate side effect of her treatments.

However, the true horror comes with what she encounters in her search for the truth. Your description of her terrifying experience is very well done, and it's easy to picture everything as we read on.

I'm not sure if I can say the ending was an expected twist - because I was really expecting that whole incident to be real - but it is actually quite a depressing finale. And seems to bring everything back to the beginning (in some weird way).

Overall, it was a very interesting read and did keep me on the edge of my seat. Thanks so very much for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*



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5
5
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hallo Jeff-o'-lantern , I will be reviewing your work
 Playing with Dolls  (13+)
300-word short story that includes, "I can't find it anywhere." Daily Flash Fiction entry.
#2179776 by Jeff-o'-lantern


Oh shoot, have you been taking a peek into my diary?

I do believe I used to keep dollies of all those people I didn't like in my own little coffin...but I digress. *Laugh*

This was an interesting short story, where things seem to start out quite innocently (good use of the prompt given for the challenge), and as we slowly learn from the dialogue; things aren't quite as they seem.

Some girls are just too creepy for their own good. *Shock*

I really enjoyed the reveal. The dialogue flowed quite well and didn't seem forced or stilted. We are actually able to 'see' the events as they take place and your description of the doll was quite visceral.

Thanks for sharing this short but oddly weird short story with us! Keep on writing! *Bigsmile*


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6
6
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo Lilliy Loidd 🪔 and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work
STATIC
The Foundation of Now  (E)
In a postapocalyptic world, mandkind has polluted the Earth to its own demise.
#2212649 by Lilliy Loidd 🪔


Hmmm....is this going to be one of those pieces where I have to write a ten-page dissertation on all the symbolism and what not? Because I can't do it. *Laugh*

All the same, I love the simplicity of this. The stark imagery you present in this short piece (it almost reads like a prose to be honest) is wonderful.

Ivy - green - life. It's what the protagonist seems stifled by yet the irony being that it's a sign of something good/positive/LIFE in an otherwise bleak world. That something good could end up being the death of you...isn't that the truth of this life we live in?

And you bring again the use of colors with 'red' - the flower in connection with her mother. Could also refer to bloody hands or the fact that her mother loves making hibiscus tea (which is delicious by the way as I drink a cup of that just about every day over here).

It's the final few sentences that do leave me scratching my head a little. Does our protagonist finally embrace the new world or does she end up drowning in it? Perhaps you can enlighten me if I missed something.

All the same, it was quite an enjoyable read. Simple yet packs a punch. Nicely done. Keep on writing! *Smile*



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7
7
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hallo Spookii and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work
 A Ripple in Winter's Water  (E)
About many sounds in nature that many people wouldn't usually pay attention to.
#2211579 by Spookii


Whenever one hears the term 'peaceful poetry', a lot of things can be evoked in the mind and I think it's safe to say that reading yours is nothing short of 'peaceful'.

It's a poem that paints the blissful image of winter, perhaps not the heart of it, but that special time right before the cold really sets in. It's in the quiet ripple of the water before it ices over, the hustle of little animals preparing their families for the harsh weather to come, or most important;y we taking the time to really sit down and absorb the beauty of nature during this time of the year.

Even though I'm as far away from that season at the moment, your poem was able to take me back there and I could see, smell, and perhaps even taste the incoming snowflakes.

Thanks for reminding us of the simpler things in life with this piece. It was a pleasure to read. Keep on writing! *bigmsile*


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8
8
Review of Twitch...  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo Tesmont and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work
 Twitch...  (E)
My struggle with Epilepsy for the 20 years i've had it.
#2212121 by Tesmont


First off, your title is quite clever and encapsulates what one thinks of the moment they hear the word 'epilepsy'.

However, the trick comes in showing a human face to such a term and I think you've managed to do so in just a few words. For those of us looking in from the outside, it can be hard to truly understand what happens in such cases, and I'm glad you were able to paint a stark difference in how you live your life compared to others. We do take a lot of things for granted and it's all put into perspective when we learn of your experiences.

My only critique - as terrible as that sounds - is that you could do even more with this. You wish for us to be educated, I'd suggest providing links to helpful sites that interested readers can visit and expose themselves to the condition.

I would also suggest formatting this to have paragraphs or line spacing to separate one main point from the other. Readers (most at least) can be turned off by a block of text no matter how fascinating the topic is.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Thanks again for sharing this, Tiana. I hope your story gains more exposure and that there is an eventual cure in the near future.

Keep on writing! *Smile*


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9
9
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hallo Chynniah22PH and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work
 Can You Be My Valentine?  (18+)
A dream to feel love and be loved on a valentines.
#2212642 by Chynniah22PH


Ah, the wonders of romance; the thrill, the ecstasy, the joy...only for it to all be nothing more than a fantasy (or is it?). I'm sure most of us have been there and done that.

Still you manage to capture those feelings of longing and excitement one feels when seeing 'the one' for the first time. There's a whimsy in your poem, despite its relatively simple/straightforward telling of events.

Unfortunately, this was littered with quite a few grammatical errors that could be easily fixed (is English your first language? I'm curious as it seems that most writers like this have English as a second language which is a huge kudos to you for tackling a poem like this!)

Now let's see those errors, shall we?

>>Capturing every bits(bit) of it for I am in awe

>>One thing noted is your shift of tenses, which can become confusing to the reader. If your poem is going to focus on the present, then maintain that consistency. For instance:

I looked around enjoying the view
Capturing every bits of it for I am in awe
Suddenly I met a man's gaze
A gaze that makes me blush out of grace.


If kept consistent, and we use the present tense, it could read as such:

I look around enjoying the view
Capturing every bit of it for I am in awe
Suddenly I meet a man's gaze
A gaze that makes me blush out of grace.


Read both aloud and see which sounds/reads smoother to you.

>>I met his gazed(gaze) like we've known each other

>>That sends a strong bolts of electricity on(in) my system
Like there is a butterfly on(in) my stomach that tickles my arteries and veins.

>>Leaving my jaw dropped and mouth at gaped(agape)

>>He leans forward and whispered to (in) my ears

>>He smile(s) at me and say(s), "May I have this dance?"

>>I furrowed my forehead and squinted my eyes for me not to smile.
(I furrowed my brow and squinted, trying not to smile)

>>With his simple gestures, my heart went(began) to a race

>>Whenever he went near me (came near me).

>>He leaned so close to me
And asked me, "Can you be my Valentine, honey?"
Can you spend the day and night with me?
And if you will, please tell me and I will make sure you will be happy.

Your character is still speaking in the italicized section, so the closing dialogue tag should be at the end of 'happy'.

>>And reality hits me hard for it's all just a dreamed.(dream)

>>Then flashes of memories have came(come)

>>Feeling the warmth embrace of the the man whom I love truly.

If you wish to see more about my corrections you can check out "A Guide to Punctuation

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, a lovely poem with an ending that should bring a big smile to the reader's face. Just clean it up a little bit and it will be an even better read! Keep on writing! *bigsile*




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10
10
Review of Anger  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo Lady Catesstrophe and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work "Anger

'Anger' really seems to be a theme running rampant these days, and your poem addresses that quite well.

The first stanza seems to allude to the violence taking place in schools (at least that's what I got from it) with your emphasis on halls/walls. I applaud the imagery of the spider weaving its web and how we are all drawn into that web of anger whether we like it or not.

The second stanza seems to hit closer to home and domestic issues. The slamming of doors, yelling and screaming allude to misunderstandings and miscommunications that are all too prevalent in families today.

The third stanza seems to be a generalization of how many of us wish for peace but find it hard to do so considering all the terrible events taking place in the world today; riots, shootings, wars and goodness knows what other atrocities are out there we have yet to hear about.

Thanks for shedding light on something we are all too familiar with. It's a simple but poignant piece.

Keep on writing! *Smile*


*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*



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Kiya in Glasses
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11
11
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hallo Dia's diary !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work "VALUES THAT PRACTICED BY A MOTHER!

*Note*Format -
*Type* Article appears to be organized with topics/sub-headers giving more details on each header.

*Note*Content:
*Type* An article that deals with the relationship between mother and child and what values can be instilled between both parties.

*Note*Pluses:
*Checkg* Good introduction on what the topic is going to be about setting up the premise of the importance of a good relationship between mother and child.
*Checkg* Describing each value and giving examples of how they are beneficial in day-to-day activities.
*Checkg* I believe the simplistic style of the article should be easily digested by the reader and understood.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Xbr*While the article is, for the most part, understandable; there were quite a few typos and grammatical errors that could be tightened up to make it even more presentable to the reader (make use of your spell check in whatever writing program you use - even the Writing.com site pin points such simple errors that can be caught and fixed)

>>VALUES THAT MUST BE PRACTICE TO YOR (YOUR) CHILDREN!

>>A mother is (a) child’s inspiration. *Paste* And so a mother and child’s relation(ship) cannot be described in words but can only be felt.
(these two phrases can be combined into one sentence)

>>A mother builds his/her character through love
(while this section is understandable at first read, I'd recommend using the phrase: A mother builds the child's character through love...)

>>Give respect (to) not only your elder ones but also young ones

>>Because when you will start giving your child respect

>>A tip is here on sharing and caring is that when (you) pack your child’s lunch box for school (,) pack some (an) extra lunch and ask him/her to share with his/her class fellow (mates).

>>Love for grandparents is (a) must.

>>both parents along with their child must pass a quality time

>> time and care today only then (will) your child is going to give you the same

>>A child always learns through your actions (,) as I mentioned before (,) so I would conclude here with the point that (you) try to mend your ways first.

>> If we want our children at a higher place in both the world we have to work, we have to reshape ourselves, we have to mends our shortcomings, we have to see world through a clear and bright light a light which we are going to pass to our children!
Quite a mouthful here, so I'll simply recommend this:
If we want our children to attain a higher place in the world, we have to put in the work, reshape ourselves, and mend our shortcomings. We have to see the world as clear as possible while shining a light that we can pass onto them.

*Xbr* Last but not least, give a single spacing between each bullet point, so the article doesn't look too clustered.

If you want to read more into why I made some of my corrections, you can check out: "A Guide to Punctuation

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, a very interesting article and one that can be beneficial with a little cleaning up. Thanks for sharing this with us and keep on writing! *Smile*



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12
12
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)


         Ah, how I wish I could laugh at this, but there's hardly anything 'hilarious' about it.

         It's a harsh reality many now face; and the 'Mikes' out there will hardly know that our current government is literally doing the exact same thing to them; throwing eggs on their faces.

         You did a great job building up the tension while weaving Mike's story/journey to his current situation. You allow the reader to go through every gamut of emotion and by the end of this - despite the 'easy' outcome for the culprit - we cheer him on and hope his act of defiance is a success.

         Pity his story might just make the headlines for about twenty-four hours until the ADHD media switches its attention to something else. Right?

         Thanks for sharing this well-written story with some home truths many of us need to read and digest.

         It's a great commentary on our current state of affairs.




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13
13
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Hallo Naveed !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "I Came Across a Graveyard Once on behalf of "House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

Thoughts on a graveyard and lives once lived

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* Interesting choice of poetry forms. I need to go look up exactly how an 'elegy' goes, so don't quote me on being an expert with that particular form. Either way, it almost sounds like a dirge - at least the rhymthn should come across that way, and I think you were able to accomplish that.

*Bullet* Though simplistic, the reader is able to follow the poet's thoughts on the lives of those who once lived and are now buried six feet under. It's something I'm sure many of us must have thought of before, and you do allow the reader to think over your words. What truly happens to us when we die? I especially like the way you questioned us in the second stanza.

*Bullet* The last stanza seems to be the poet coming to a realization that overthinking things isn't always the way to go. When one dies, that's it. All you've accomplished in life might come down to nothing for you are now dust -like everyone else.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>My(Mind?) boggled, as I thought some more:

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


An interesting piece to read. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


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14
14
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hallo Lecters Protege }!*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Remember When It Rained on behalf of "House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A woman seeks revenge on a relationship gone bad the best way she knows how.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* You have a way with imagery; there's almost a poetic feel to your descriptions which allow the reader to feel/see all that's happening within the story. You evoke emotions that include fear and anticipation - of what exactly? is yet to be explored.

*Bullet* As the plot unfolds, the reader is given more insight into the character's decision to do what takes place in the final paragraphs. This is clearly a woman who's been wronged and in spite of her need to question the reasons why such a thing has happened, she's also determined to grow and become stronger from it.

*Bullet* The last few paragraphs wrap up the story nicely. She does exact her revenge, and again, your attention to detail allows the reader to picture every tense moment. We can almost hear the sound of the gun going off.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>No glaring errors noted, though I would try re-writing this section:
We all secretly know what we are capable of deep down in the depths of our souls.
Something about it sounds redundant when reading out loud.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Thanks for the intense and fascinating read. Keep on writing! *Smile*


Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


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15
15
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hallo Pennywise !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "There Ain’t No Sure Thing on behalf of "House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

It's true love! Or is it? As our protagonist is about to find out rather quickly, that not everything appears as it seems.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* Well, that escalated quickly, didn't it? *Shock2* But I'm rushing ahead of things; let's backtrack a bit.

*Bullet* Good introductory paragraph that sets the tone for what the reader's to expect. We can already tell that the narrator is a young man - with Western roots (or at least attracted to the concept) - completely head-over-heels for the woman of his dreams. His meticulous descriptions of her and her behavior allows the reader into his mindset and just how much she means to him. His manner of speaking was interesting to read, and you managed to keep some of the country twang in his speech which made it authentic.

*Bullet* The grand finale - when things are just getting interesting - you pull out a twist that should leave the reader gasping. Or maybe we should have seen that coming from a mile away! Either way, it was a well done twist with just the right suspense to keep the reader on the edge of their seat.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Amy’s and my love - and her (here) she comes.

>>and it’s affecting all the right parts of my labido (libido).

>>I’d have been at home with the CD’s playing.
No need for the apostrophe

>>It’s a two-hour drive back to her house (,) and as I glance across I see

>>I hear a draw (drawer?) being opened and closed.

>>Amy strolls back into vision (,) and I see the long curved blade

>>As (the) blade makes it’s fatal journey (,) all I can

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Overall, this was a fun read; though some edits need to be made to make it even better. Thanks so very much for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*


Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


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16
16
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hallo Elle !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Roots & Wings Discussion Forum on behalf of "House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A forum devoted to capturing and protecting one's family history in creative ways.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* Love the introductory image used for the forum. The hues and design harken to historical pieces or parchment which fits with the theme of the forum.

*Bullet* Lovely poem by Devils in my Ear to introduce the forum as well. It's a simple piece that's also quite poignant. The theme of having historical pieces just waiting/gathering dust just longing to be explored. Well written!

*Bullet* The synopsis of the forum is well explained. It encourages writers to explore stories of their past (family histories), do research and learn more about their histories. There are links to different forums and contests that writers can participate in, with great incentives. Extra kudos for the lovely MB given to those who submit an entry for the first time (aside from regular prizes).

*Bullet* Links are also provided to folders for members who have begun collections/entries regarding their family histories. It's a great way to entice new writers or inspire them to do the same.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>No glaring error noted

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Thanks for creating yet another fun and highly educational activity. I hope it continues to thrive! Keep on writing! *Bigsmile*


Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!
17
17
Review of Poetry Readings  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hallo Elle !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Poetry Readings on behalf of "House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A forum designed to have poets read their poems and for readers to listen.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* Nice opening image to welcome the reader to the forum. I say visuals are everything, and if you have an image to showcase what the forum's about, then you pull them in.

*Bullet* You give a good synopsis of what the forum is about. Your desire to actually hear what each poem sounds like from the poets, is a unique venture around these parts, and a great way to let the reader feel exactly what the poet was going for. It's also a nice way to see (or hear!) the faces behind the monikers! *BigSmile*

*Bullet* You've got a great list already! Whoa! Looks like so many were interested in doing this, and I'm glad there're so many entries to listen and read from. All the audio/videos are linked to YouTube, so it's easy for us to access.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>There are a couple of invalid entries/broken links that need to be fixed.

>>Is this still open? Looks like the last entry was almost 8 months ago. Would be interesting to announce it again so new members might take an interest and sign up.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


This is a great activity, and I'm glad you started something like this. Here's to many more creative ideas popping out of that brain of yours *lol* Keep on writing! *Smile*


Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!
18
18
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Hallo abcoachnz-Sometimes around !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Personal History Justification on behalf of "House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

The writer makes the argument for documentation of one's personal history.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* This is a personal essay that deals with your thoughts on why documenting one's history is vital. You hit some very important points here, and I agree wholeheartedly that it is imperative more people do so. History is a valuable thing indeed, and no matter how 'small' one thinks he or she is, recording all the important things that's happened in one's lifetime for future generations is a treasure. Like you point out, there are going to be many who will pass away - with so many great stories - that will never be revealed or told. They will go to their graves with those tales and future generations are deprived of that knowledge. Almost depressing when you think about.

*Bullet* Another point you mention is 'seeing two sides to every story' (paraphrasing), and I think that is also quite vital. History tends to force feed us stories from only one point of view, and many of us grow up not knowing any better. However, it appears that more and more people are digging into those 'untold' stories to reveal the other side to the popular story. Not every Nazi was glad to be in that position. Not all slaves rolled over and played 'dead' to their slave masters. They fought back; many times over, and those records were buried (deliberately sometimes) so we - the future generations - do not know the truth.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Why did they not decide to travel to New York, or Australia, or India.
Should be a question mark at the end of this.

>>Then it would be what were the skills they brought to these new places with them. What about the situation that my grandfather was part of the British Imperial Forces that were sent to South Africa to fight in the conflict there and what made him remain there after the war was over.
In fact, this entire section will need question marks at the end of each sentence. You're asking questions here if I'm reading this properly. So emphasize that.

>>have of events that occurred throughout there (their) lives.

>>Short of copying and pasting your entire essay here, go back and read through the sections that read as a 'question' and apply the appropriate punctuation there. Trust me, it makes a difference when someone reads through this.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


You've made a very strong case for personal documentation, and I'm glad you're going to work on this project. Would be interesting to see how far you've come with it. *Smile* Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!


Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of My Uncle John  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

Hallo abcoachnz-Sometimes around !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "My Uncle John on behalf of "House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A man waits patiently for a long lost love at a place where happy memories were once made.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* Is this based on a true story? If so, how terribly sad and tragic. *Frown* I can't imagine how this must have affected your family, and I find it interesting that you told his reasons for what he did, in this manner. Sometimes we try to make sense of why people do certain things, in a desperate attempt at closure, and as writers, our words can do just that.

*Bullet* What's touching about this is the romantic tale behind the couple. How they met and the lives they must have led clearly shows just how much she meant to John. It's never easy to hear such terrible news about a loved one, and some are able to process loss better than others. In this case, John eventually succumbed to his grief in the worst way possible.

*Bullet* There's a haunting feeling while reading the last few paragraphs. The reader is well aware of what's about to happen, and we almost feel like going in there to pull him out, but the inevitable happens. One can only hope he's finally found his peace.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>No glaring errors noted.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Thanks for sharing this poignant story with us, and keep on writing! *Smile*


Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of Held captive  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

Hallo NipponFury !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Held captive on behalf of "House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A young man seeks an escape from a prison on his own making.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

This could be the start (or part) of a rather interesting story.

In this, we see a man who insists that he's being kept against his will and has delusions of being abducted or being hurt by his captor. You did a good job capturing that feeling of paranoia with his dialogue - frantic and desperate. Why did I get vibes of Shutter Island from this as well?

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>"Finished! the letter is complete." Jake suddenly said,
Change the period after 'complete' to a comma

>>"Can you keep it down." Steve whispered harshly
>>this place gives me the creeps." Steve said nervously
Change the periods to commas (hopefully, you're noticing the patterns by now)

>>By the time you have read this letter,

>>"What is it that you complain of this time Steve."
>>"Looks like we need to go back to sleep again...don't we."
Change the periods to question marks.

>>Steve with out (without) second thought broke off into a run

>>...and exited out though the front door and into the front-yard.
Suggestion: ...and exited through the front door and into the front-yard.

>>"He found me, oh god!" He breathed,
'God' should be capitalized and 'he' shouldn't. In other words: "He found me! Oh God!" he breathed.
Also note that I broke the phrase into two sentences. Your structure makes it sound like a supplication to God...as if he's saying a prayer. 'Oh God' by itself showcases the character's panic.

>>"I ne need to get out of here!" Steve stammered
To show stuttering, most tend to use the hyphen: "I ne-need to get out of here!" Steve stammered.

>>"Almost got away Steve." The shrink mused. wrapping a cloth
Suggestion: "Almost got away, Steve," the shrink mused, while wrapping a cloth...

>>"I have him, *Cut* the patient is safe."
Two separate sentences.

>>The Shrink guided Steve
Be consistent. In a previous sentence, 'Shrink' was not capitalized.

>>'What no! let me go!' Steve screamed.
Suggestion: "What? No! Let me go!" Steve screamed.

>>Extra pointers: Editing is your friend. Always take the time to go over your work and polish it up - no matter how long it takes (and yes, we all know that can be tedious, but trust me, if you want to keep a reader engaged, this is the way to go).

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Thanks for sharing your work with us, and keep on writing. *Smile*

Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of Mum, is that you?  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Hallo NipponFury !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Mum, is that you? on behalf of "House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A man's trepidation at meeting the in-laws proves to be even more of a shock as he sees what awaits him.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

This was another comedic piece or should have read like one.

In this, we are introduced to a young couple and it appears that the narrator has his concerns about his in-laws despite not seeing them before. Their instant 'bonding' and attitudes are a shock to him, though he tries to take it in stride.

The in-laws are definitely the highlight of this as they showcase their new and flamboyant style with the use of dialogue.

The last few sections were laugh-out-loud funny. One can almost picture how Owen felt with these strangers acting just way too 'chummy' with him. *Laugh*

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Ah where to being...first off, the format for this story reads like a prose. It's paragraphs are not well defined, and one is not sure where the narrative starts and the dialogue ends.

>>Short of copying and pasting the entire thing, your story was filled with lots of punctuation errors and grammatical structure. I hope you take the time to sit down and comb through this carefully.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Overall, yours was a story with so much potential. I hope you plan to complete it someday. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*



Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Hallo NipponFury !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Flowers from a Coffee shop on behalf of "House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A man views a simple flower vase - in a coffee shop - in a whole new light with some help from a friend.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

This should be reading as a comedy of some sort, as the familiar scenario of young men relying on the use of hallucinogenics to give them a better perspective on something as innocent as a flower vase, is all too common.

There is witty/companionable banter between the friends, and through the dialogue the reader is able to get a sense of their personalities and characteristics.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>William jumped, snapping out of his day dream causing him to tilt a little bit to much coffee in his mouth.
Suggestion: William jumped; snapping out of his daydream which caused him to tilt a little bit too much coffee in his mouth.
(though I'm not quite sure what 'tilt' means in this context)

>>William chocked (choked) down the coffee

>>"Dude, here. Have a cone." he said with a cough
Change the period to a comma

>>"What. Here. In this coffee shop." William whispered in disbelief.
Suggestion: "What? Here? In this coffee shop?" William whispered in disbelief.

>>but he has never smoked before. let alone in public.

Suggestion: ...but he has never smoked before, let alone in public.

>>"Wait. Please don't tell me you went all the way to Amsterdam to do what? Rogan glanced around quickly, spotting the Tulips on the table. "To see flowers? he scoffed, with a grin.
You are missing dialogue tags and mixing up narrative and dialogue, so the reader is not sure where one ends and the other begins.
Suggestion: "Wait. Please don't tell me you went all the way to Amsterdam to do what?" Rogan glanced around quickly, spotting the tulips on the table.
"To see flowers?" he scoffed with a grin.


>>"Look." Rogan said seriously

Change the period to a comma

>>William grabbed the Pipe and lit,
In the context of the sentence, you do not need to capitalize 'pipe'

>>And maybe I'm missing something, but I didn't quite understand the last line either.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


As you can see, you have quite a bit of editing to do. Once it's polished up, it should flow better and perhaps make a little more sense to the reader. Thanks for sharing your work with us, and keep on writing! *Smile*


Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of Gossamer Beauty  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hallo SarahW !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Gossamer Beauty on behalf of "House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A young woman is to come of age by marrying a man she believe she loves. She readies a most wonderful dress that hides the real darkness beneath.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

Whoa, that really went dark at the end there, didn't it?

But before we even get there, I wanted to know if this was based on an existing story/book? I feel like I've heard the term 'Vallerian' before (or am I confusing it with that movie that was just released? *Confused*) Either way, this world you've created seems fascinating, and I think it's one that could be explored even further.

You do a great job with descriptions, and it was not difficult to picture the wedding dress and all it entailed as one reads on. Do you enjoy fashion or design things in that way? Your attention to detail is impressive. Some of the imagery used really made for a visually pleasant read.

The characters have distinct personalities; from the wide-eyed almost idealistic Amie, to Lukas, who comes across as a shady and unpleasant character. The reader is able to pick sides in this one, and the way it ends is quite tragic - though hints of that was given when Lukas was introduced.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>...that produced youth, had had her dressed rip at the bodice at a minor function.
This was a bit confusing to read. How about: ...that produced youth, had her dress rip at the bodice at a minor function.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Overall, this was an interesting read. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*

Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of Ghost  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

Hallo SarahW !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Ghost on behalf of "House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A haunted story is being told about a mystery that's yet to be solved.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* I'm assuming that the challenge was to write a story using only dialogue, correct? If so, great job with this one. It's not easy to write such a story especially when you're 'limited' in just how detailed the speaker should be. Dialogue has to flow naturally without sounding like you're reading a manual, and from this story, it's easy to see the character engaging his/her audience.

Though you don't mention it explicitly, one can already imagine that this is a grandfather speaking to his grand kids. Little hints of that can be found throughout, with the playful admonishment of the children laughing at the notion of him once being a teenager, to being ale to recall past experiences effortlessly.

It's easy to see that the camaraderie between the speaker and his audience is a warm one, and though the story itself is scary, it's meant to teach a lesson of some sort.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>My main gripe with this is the use of the dialogue tag. I realize you're trying to show that it's only one speaker, and do not want to use a chunk/block of story, but I feel that a couple of them could still be lumped together so it doesn't look so 'sparse' (and confusing as it seems like someone else is speaking or responding to the other. Does that make sense?)

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Besides that, it was a very entertaining story to read. I thank you for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*

Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hallo SarahW !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "The Potters Apprentice on behalf of "House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A brief introduction into the world of pottery as seen through the eyes and experiences of the protagonist.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

According to your summary, this was only meant to showcase the craft of pottery-making and not being a full story. It's a good thing you did that or one would really wonder what the context of the tale is all about.

Through the eyes of a young man, by the name of Areon, the reader is exposed to the labor and details that go into the preparation of clay for pottery. You explain the steps required without being too wordy (or tedious) with technicalities. The addition of dialogue (though not much), allows the reader to see things via Areon's experiences. Who knew so much went into that process? Fascinating indeed.


*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>another reason for the village being place(d) in this location,

>>The clay was still not ready for use,*Cut* it needed to be mixed and made malleable.
This should be two different sentences.


>>Areon place(d) chunks of refined clay into a pile

>>much work it was to simply produce a clay ready for the potter's

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Overall, this was an interesting read, with a lot of potential as a much longer story.
Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*

Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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