Hallo NipponFury !
I will be reviewing your work "Held captive" on behalf of "House Targaryen" for "Game of Thrones"
A young man seeks an escape from a prison on his own making.
This could be the start (or part) of a rather interesting story.
In this, we see a man who insists that he's being kept against his will and has delusions of being abducted or being hurt by his captor. You did a good job capturing that feeling of paranoia with his dialogue - frantic and desperate. Why did I get vibes of Shutter Island from this as well?
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.
>>"Finished! the letter is complete." Jake suddenly said,
Change the period after 'complete' to a comma
>>"Can you keep it down." Steve whispered harshly
>>this place gives me the creeps." Steve said nervously
Change the periods to commas (hopefully, you're noticing the patterns by now)
>>By the time you have read this letter,
>>"What is it that you complain of this time Steve."
>>"Looks like we need to go back to sleep again...don't we."
Change the periods to question marks.
>>Steve with out (without) second thought broke off into a run
>>...and exited out though the front door and into the front-yard.
Suggestion: ...and exited through the front door and into the front-yard.
>>"He found me, oh god!" He breathed,
'God' should be capitalized and 'he' shouldn't. In other words: "He found me! Oh God!" he breathed.
Also note that I broke the phrase into two sentences. Your structure makes it sound like a supplication to God...as if he's saying a prayer. 'Oh God' by itself showcases the character's panic.
>>"I ne need to get out of here!" Steve stammered
To show stuttering, most tend to use the hyphen: "I ne-need to get out of here!" Steve stammered.
>>"Almost got away Steve." The shrink mused. wrapping a cloth
Suggestion: "Almost got away, Steve," the shrink mused, while wrapping a cloth...
>>"I have him, the patient is safe."
Two separate sentences.
>>The Shrink guided Steve
Be consistent. In a previous sentence, 'Shrink' was not capitalized.
>>'What no! let me go!' Steve screamed.
Suggestion: "What? No! Let me go!" Steve screamed.
>>Extra pointers: Editing is your friend. Always take the time to go over your work and polish it up - no matter how long it takes (and yes, we all know that can be tedious, but trust me, if you want to keep a reader engaged, this is the way to go).
Thanks for sharing your work with us, and keep on writing.