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1
1
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Hallo Naveed !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "I Came Across a Graveyard Once on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

Thoughts on a graveyard and lives once lived

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* Interesting choice of poetry forms. I need to go look up exactly how an 'elegy' goes, so don't quote me on being an expert with that particular form. Either way, it almost sounds like a dirge - at least the rhymthn should come across that way, and I think you were able to accomplish that.

*Bullet* Though simplistic, the reader is able to follow the poet's thoughts on the lives of those who once lived and are now buried six feet under. It's something I'm sure many of us must have thought of before, and you do allow the reader to think over your words. What truly happens to us when we die? I especially like the way you questioned us in the second stanza.

*Bullet* The last stanza seems to be the poet coming to a realization that overthinking things isn't always the way to go. When one dies, that's it. All you've accomplished in life might come down to nothing for you are now dust -like everyone else.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>My(Mind?) boggled, as I thought some more:

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


An interesting piece to read. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hallo Lecters Protege }!*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Remember When It Rained on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A woman seeks revenge on a relationship gone bad the best way she knows how.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* You have a way with imagery; there's almost a poetic feel to your descriptions which allow the reader to feel/see all that's happening within the story. You evoke emotions that include fear and anticipation - of what exactly? is yet to be explored.

*Bullet* As the plot unfolds, the reader is given more insight into the character's decision to do what takes place in the final paragraphs. This is clearly a woman who's been wronged and in spite of her need to question the reasons why such a thing has happened, she's also determined to grow and become stronger from it.

*Bullet* The last few paragraphs wrap up the story nicely. She does exact her revenge, and again, your attention to detail allows the reader to picture every tense moment. We can almost hear the sound of the gun going off.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>No glaring errors noted, though I would try re-writing this section:
We all secretly know what we are capable of deep down in the depths of our souls.
Something about it sounds redundant when reading out loud.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Thanks for the intense and fascinating read. Keep on writing! *Smile*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of The Qualdratron  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hallo ByronWrites !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "The Qualdratron on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

What does it take to protect a city in dire need of Paradise? Eliminate the obstacle of course.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* It's never easy to pull off steampunk stories, and especially given the word limit for this entry, you did an excellent job with it!

*Bullet* Despite it's length, the reader is still able to visualize the settings and your description of the antagonist was very well done. One gets a true sense of who Lady Rachel is (though her final act was quite surprising)

*Bullet* The professor could be seen as the protagonist; for his ideals seem to appeal to the greater masses, but as we can see, our new visitor has other plans (and how true does her response ring in this day and age? Creepy if you ask me)

*Bullet* As alluded to earlier, the plot twist comes at the end when we realize that Lady Rachel is not all that she appears to be. You definitely kept the reader on edge with that one - and yes, with such an ending, you need to add more to this! You've got the potential to make this into an even better and longer story.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Lady Rachel Wyndingham looked down upon (the) scene trying

>>she descended the spiral, wrought iron stair, (stairs? staircase?)

>>The next morning's headline in the London Gazette read
Considered a rule-of-thumb for some, it's recommended to italicize names of printed material.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Thanks for sharing this fascinating short story with us. Keep on writing! *Smile*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hallo Pennywise !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "There Ain’t No Sure Thing on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

It's true love! Or is it? As our protagonist is about to find out rather quickly, that not everything appears as it seems.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* Well, that escalated quickly, didn't it? *Shock2* But I'm rushing ahead of things; let's backtrack a bit.

*Bullet* Good introductory paragraph that sets the tone for what the reader's to expect. We can already tell that the narrator is a young man - with Western roots (or at least attracted to the concept) - completely head-over-heels for the woman of his dreams. His meticulous descriptions of her and her behavior allows the reader into his mindset and just how much she means to him. His manner of speaking was interesting to read, and you managed to keep some of the country twang in his speech which made it authentic.

*Bullet* The grand finale - when things are just getting interesting - you pull out a twist that should leave the reader gasping. Or maybe we should have seen that coming from a mile away! Either way, it was a well done twist with just the right suspense to keep the reader on the edge of their seat.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Amy’s and my love - and her (here) she comes.

>>and it’s affecting all the right parts of my labido (libido).

>>I’d have been at home with the CD’s playing.
No need for the apostrophe

>>It’s a two-hour drive back to her house (,) and as I glance across I see

>>I hear a draw (drawer?) being opened and closed.

>>Amy strolls back into vision (,) and I see the long curved blade

>>As (the) blade makes it’s fatal journey (,) all I can

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Overall, this was a fun read; though some edits need to be made to make it even better. Thanks so very much for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Hallo Naveed !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "The Bride in Black on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A young boy watches a movie and has to deal with the consequences afterwards.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* Good start to the story as you set up Morty's situation to the reader. We know he's a young boy who ended up watching a movie he shouldn't have and now has to face his most terrifying fears.

*Bullet* You do a good job building up the suspense/tension, with the rustling sound he keeps hearing and his attempts to try to ignore them before making the decision to investigate. Those scenes never end well in movies, do they? *Laugh*

*Bullet* Morty comes across as a likeable character; his attempts at bravery showing in the little dialogue he has. There's also the injection of humor despite the dark plot. His confrontation with the 'fiend' for one thing, and the section where it takes him nearly half-an-hour to just tiptoe across the room to close the window. Nice imagery there!

*Bullet* Quite the scary ending indeed! Though I'm now left with even more questions, but...I'm sure this had a word limit, so you couldn't do much.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>It was, almost, two in the morning
No need for the commas in that phrase

>>The nine years old (nine-year-old) had watched a horror movie, not meant for nine years olds (nine-year-olds) obviously

>>He stood ready to spear anyone who dared to walk into his room.
Wondering what weapon he had to be able to 'spear' anyone. It's not made clear to the reader.

>>His heartbeat fastened.
To 'fasten' is to tie up something. I'd recommend the word 'quickened' or something else akin to that.

>>As soon as he saw the shadow of a shadowy figure making his way
Repetition. You've already mentioned the shadow, no need to do so again.
As soon as he saw the shadow making his way...

>>“I’m not going to die after all,” he thought, smiling.
When using the phrase 'thought' for a character speaking, it's not advised to use the dialogue tags (" "). Unless he's speaking out loud, then it's appropriate. So for instance:
"I'm not going to die after all," he thought out loud. OR
I'm not going to die after all, he thought with a smile.

>>as he got up to open (turn on?) the lights.

>>We (He) flicked the switch and saw his mom lying, face first (,) on the ground.

>>as opposed to her usual whit (white) one.

>>perfect for (a) wedding day had it been red or white

>>The makeup looked unusual as well, for it didn’t (make) Mom look beautiful, at all.

>>Morty trembled with fear now, for he knew what was happening now.

>>“Would you happen to have a saw, son?” Mom asked with a wide laugh.
Can laughter be quantified as being 'wide'? A smile can, yes, but for laughter - we're going more with sound. So you could try using: "Would you happen to have a saw, son?" Mom asked with a loud laugh.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


As you can see, you've got quite a bit of editing to do, but otherwise, it was an interesting story with a lot of potential. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of How I Became Flea  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hallo flea !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "How I Became Flea on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

The writer regales the story of how she received her nickname/moniker.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* What a fun backstory! I've always wondered about the whole 'flea' thing, so this was a great tale to read. *Laugh* Your Uncle Tim sounds like a trip, and I'm curious to know if he's still around and still cackling over his bright idea to give you that nickname. I also enjoyed your 'side-tracking' because we get to know a little more about your family and background. It's interesting to see that you grew up on a farm (and now live in one), but ouch! on those electric fences! I get its necessary, but that would terrify me. Brr!

It was also funny with the way you were trying to set up your email and how you had issues spelling 'flea' right. Thanks goodness for your brother, eh? *Laugh*

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>...a very typical New Zealand farmer, he always told jokes and drank whiskey
I'd change the comma to a period. Make it two separate sentences.

>>...when we lived on our own farm (,) and I was put in charge of the cattle.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Overall, a fun little story! I enjoyed reading it very much. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of WDC Kids Club  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hallo Elle !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "WDC Kids Club on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A forum created for children between the ages of 5-12; encouraging them to submit their written works.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* This is a wonderful activity geared towards children who wish to further their writing skills. The synopsis is straight-forward and self-explanatory. Parents are required to create folders to showcase their children's writing without sharing any personal information if they choose not to. Reviews and encouraging feedback is welcome, and ways to inspire the kids is also a plus. Swearing and derogatory comments are not accepted, and there's a helpful link provided to explain what's considered E for Writing.com.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Maybe it's just my graphics eye *lol* - but I would have chosen something different for the banner. Something that conveys the youthful audience without being too childish or too adult.

>>Is there a forum for writing contests or the such? I don't see a link anywhere or is it just the folders created within each portfolio?

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Thanks for another create and inspiring activity, Missy! It's been a pleasure running through your portfolio. *Bigsmile* Keep on writing!


8
8
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hallo Elle !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Roots & Wings Discussion Forum on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A forum devoted to capturing and protecting one's family history in creative ways.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* Love the introductory image used for the forum. The hues and design harken to historical pieces or parchment which fits with the theme of the forum.

*Bullet* Lovely poem by Angels in my Ear to introduce the forum as well. It's a simple piece that's also quite poignant. The theme of having historical pieces just waiting/gathering dust just longing to be explored. Well written!

*Bullet* The synopsis of the forum is well explained. It encourages writers to explore stories of their past (family histories), do research and learn more about their histories. There are links to different forums and contests that writers can participate in, with great incentives. Extra kudos for the lovely MB given to those who submit an entry for the first time (aside from regular prizes).

*Bullet* Links are also provided to folders for members who have begun collections/entries regarding their family histories. It's a great way to entice new writers or inspire them to do the same.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>No glaring error noted

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Thanks for creating yet another fun and highly educational activity. I hope it continues to thrive! Keep on writing! *Bigsmile*


9
9
Review of Poetry Readings  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hallo Elle !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Poetry Readings on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A forum designed to have poets read their poems and for readers to listen.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* Nice opening image to welcome the reader to the forum. I say visuals are everything, and if you have an image to showcase what the forum's about, then you pull them in.

*Bullet* You give a good synopsis of what the forum is about. Your desire to actually hear what each poem sounds like from the poets, is a unique venture around these parts, and a great way to let the reader feel exactly what the poet was going for. It's also a nice way to see (or hear!) the faces behind the monikers! *BigSmile*

*Bullet* You've got a great list already! Whoa! Looks like so many were interested in doing this, and I'm glad there're so many entries to listen and read from. All the audio/videos are linked to YouTube, so it's easy for us to access.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>There are a couple of invalid entries/broken links that need to be fixed.

>>Is this still open? Looks like the last entry was almost 8 months ago. Would be interesting to announce it again so new members might take an interest and sign up.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


This is a great activity, and I'm glad you started something like this. Here's to many more creative ideas popping out of that brain of yours *lol* Keep on writing! *Smile*


10
10
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Hallo abcoachnz-Nano2017 !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Personal History Justification on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

The writer makes the argument for documentation of one's personal history.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* This is a personal essay that deals with your thoughts on why documenting one's history is vital. You hit some very important points here, and I agree wholeheartedly that it is imperative more people do so. History is a valuable thing indeed, and no matter how 'small' one thinks he or she is, recording all the important things that's happened in one's lifetime for future generations is a treasure. Like you point out, there are going to be many who will pass away - with so many great stories - that will never be revealed or told. They will go to their graves with those tales and future generations are deprived of that knowledge. Almost depressing when you think about.

*Bullet* Another point you mention is 'seeing two sides to every story' (paraphrasing), and I think that is also quite vital. History tends to force feed us stories from only one point of view, and many of us grow up not knowing any better. However, it appears that more and more people are digging into those 'untold' stories to reveal the other side to the popular story. Not every Nazi was glad to be in that position. Not all slaves rolled over and played 'dead' to their slave masters. They fought back; many times over, and those records were buried (deliberately sometimes) so we - the future generations - do not know the truth.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Why did they not decide to travel to New York, or Australia, or India.
Should be a question mark at the end of this.

>>Then it would be what were the skills they brought to these new places with them. What about the situation that my grandfather was part of the British Imperial Forces that were sent to South Africa to fight in the conflict there and what made him remain there after the war was over.
In fact, this entire section will need question marks at the end of each sentence. You're asking questions here if I'm reading this properly. So emphasize that.

>>have of events that occurred throughout there (their) lives.

>>Short of copying and pasting your entire essay here, go back and read through the sections that read as a 'question' and apply the appropriate punctuation there. Trust me, it makes a difference when someone reads through this.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


You've made a very strong case for personal documentation, and I'm glad you're going to work on this project. Would be interesting to see how far you've come with it. *Smile* Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of My Uncle John  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

Hallo abcoachnz-Nano2017 !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "My Uncle John on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A man waits patiently for a long lost love at a place where happy memories were once made.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* Is this based on a true story? If so, how terribly sad and tragic. *Frown* I can't imagine how this must have affected your family, and I find it interesting that you told his reasons for what he did, in this manner. Sometimes we try to make sense of why people do certain things, in a desperate attempt at closure, and as writers, our words can do just that.

*Bullet* What's touching about this is the romantic tale behind the couple. How they met and the lives they must have led clearly shows just how much she meant to John. It's never easy to hear such terrible news about a loved one, and some are able to process loss better than others. In this case, John eventually succumbed to his grief in the worst way possible.

*Bullet* There's a haunting feeling while reading the last few paragraphs. The reader is well aware of what's about to happen, and we almost feel like going in there to pull him out, but the inevitable happens. One can only hope he's finally found his peace.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>No glaring errors noted.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Thanks for sharing this poignant story with us, and keep on writing! *Smile*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Held captive  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

Hallo NipponFury !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Held captive on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A young man seeks an escape from a prison on his own making.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

This could be the start (or part) of a rather interesting story.

In this, we see a man who insists that he's being kept against his will and has delusions of being abducted or being hurt by his captor. You did a good job capturing that feeling of paranoia with his dialogue - frantic and desperate. Why did I get vibes of Shutter Island from this as well?

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>"Finished! the letter is complete." Jake suddenly said,
Change the period after 'complete' to a comma

>>"Can you keep it down." Steve whispered harshly
>>this place gives me the creeps." Steve said nervously
Change the periods to commas (hopefully, you're noticing the patterns by now)

>>By the time you have read this letter,

>>"What is it that you complain of this time Steve."
>>"Looks like we need to go back to sleep again...don't we."
Change the periods to question marks.

>>Steve with out (without) second thought broke off into a run

>>...and exited out though the front door and into the front-yard.
Suggestion: ...and exited through the front door and into the front-yard.

>>"He found me, oh god!" He breathed,
'God' should be capitalized and 'he' shouldn't. In other words: "He found me! Oh God!" he breathed.
Also note that I broke the phrase into two sentences. Your structure makes it sound like a supplication to God...as if he's saying a prayer. 'Oh God' by itself showcases the character's panic.

>>"I ne need to get out of here!" Steve stammered
To show stuttering, most tend to use the hyphen: "I ne-need to get out of here!" Steve stammered.

>>"Almost got away Steve." The shrink mused. wrapping a cloth
Suggestion: "Almost got away, Steve," the shrink mused, while wrapping a cloth...

>>"I have him, *Cut* the patient is safe."
Two separate sentences.

>>The Shrink guided Steve
Be consistent. In a previous sentence, 'Shrink' was not capitalized.

>>'What no! let me go!' Steve screamed.
Suggestion: "What? No! Let me go!" Steve screamed.

>>Extra pointers: Editing is your friend. Always take the time to go over your work and polish it up - no matter how long it takes (and yes, we all know that can be tedious, but trust me, if you want to keep a reader engaged, this is the way to go).

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Thanks for sharing your work with us, and keep on writing. *Smile*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Mum, is that you?  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Hallo NipponFury !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Mum, is that you? on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A man's trepidation at meeting the in-laws proves to be even more of a shock as he sees what awaits him.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

This was another comedic piece or should have read like one.

In this, we are introduced to a young couple and it appears that the narrator has his concerns about his in-laws despite not seeing them before. Their instant 'bonding' and attitudes are a shock to him, though he tries to take it in stride.

The in-laws are definitely the highlight of this as they showcase their new and flamboyant style with the use of dialogue.

The last few sections were laugh-out-loud funny. One can almost picture how Owen felt with these strangers acting just way too 'chummy' with him. *Laugh*

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Ah where to being...first off, the format for this story reads like a prose. It's paragraphs are not well defined, and one is not sure where the narrative starts and the dialogue ends.

>>Short of copying and pasting the entire thing, your story was filled with lots of punctuation errors and grammatical structure. I hope you take the time to sit down and comb through this carefully.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Overall, yours was a story with so much potential. I hope you plan to complete it someday. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Hallo NipponFury !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Flowers from a Coffee shop on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A man views a simple flower vase - in a coffee shop - in a whole new light with some help from a friend.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

This should be reading as a comedy of some sort, as the familiar scenario of young men relying on the use of hallucinogenics to give them a better perspective on something as innocent as a flower vase, is all too common.

There is witty/companionable banter between the friends, and through the dialogue the reader is able to get a sense of their personalities and characteristics.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>William jumped, snapping out of his day dream causing him to tilt a little bit to much coffee in his mouth.
Suggestion: William jumped; snapping out of his daydream which caused him to tilt a little bit too much coffee in his mouth.
(though I'm not quite sure what 'tilt' means in this context)

>>William chocked (choked) down the coffee

>>"Dude, here. Have a cone." he said with a cough
Change the period to a comma

>>"What. Here. In this coffee shop." William whispered in disbelief.
Suggestion: "What? Here? In this coffee shop?" William whispered in disbelief.

>>but he has never smoked before. let alone in public.

Suggestion: ...but he has never smoked before, let alone in public.

>>"Wait. Please don't tell me you went all the way to Amsterdam to do what? Rogan glanced around quickly, spotting the Tulips on the table. "To see flowers? he scoffed, with a grin.
You are missing dialogue tags and mixing up narrative and dialogue, so the reader is not sure where one ends and the other begins.
Suggestion: "Wait. Please don't tell me you went all the way to Amsterdam to do what?" Rogan glanced around quickly, spotting the tulips on the table.
"To see flowers?" he scoffed with a grin.


>>"Look." Rogan said seriously

Change the period to a comma

>>William grabbed the Pipe and lit,
In the context of the sentence, you do not need to capitalize 'pipe'

>>And maybe I'm missing something, but I didn't quite understand the last line either.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


As you can see, you have quite a bit of editing to do. Once it's polished up, it should flow better and perhaps make a little more sense to the reader. Thanks for sharing your work with us, and keep on writing! *Smile*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of Gossamer Beauty  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hallo SarahW !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Gossamer Beauty on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A young woman is to come of age by marrying a man she believe she loves. She readies a most wonderful dress that hides the real darkness beneath.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

Whoa, that really went dark at the end there, didn't it?

But before we even get there, I wanted to know if this was based on an existing story/book? I feel like I've heard the term 'Vallerian' before (or am I confusing it with that movie that was just released? *Confused*) Either way, this world you've created seems fascinating, and I think it's one that could be explored even further.

You do a great job with descriptions, and it was not difficult to picture the wedding dress and all it entailed as one reads on. Do you enjoy fashion or design things in that way? Your attention to detail is impressive. Some of the imagery used really made for a visually pleasant read.

The characters have distinct personalities; from the wide-eyed almost idealistic Amie, to Lukas, who comes across as a shady and unpleasant character. The reader is able to pick sides in this one, and the way it ends is quite tragic - though hints of that was given when Lukas was introduced.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>...that produced youth, had had her dressed rip at the bodice at a minor function.
This was a bit confusing to read. How about: ...that produced youth, had her dress rip at the bodice at a minor function.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Overall, this was an interesting read. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of Ghost  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

Hallo SarahW !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Ghost on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A haunted story is being told about a mystery that's yet to be solved.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* I'm assuming that the challenge was to write a story using only dialogue, correct? If so, great job with this one. It's not easy to write such a story especially when you're 'limited' in just how detailed the speaker should be. Dialogue has to flow naturally without sounding like you're reading a manual, and from this story, it's easy to see the character engaging his/her audience.

Though you don't mention it explicitly, one can already imagine that this is a grandfather speaking to his grand kids. Little hints of that can be found throughout, with the playful admonishment of the children laughing at the notion of him once being a teenager, to being ale to recall past experiences effortlessly.

It's easy to see that the camaraderie between the speaker and his audience is a warm one, and though the story itself is scary, it's meant to teach a lesson of some sort.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>My main gripe with this is the use of the dialogue tag. I realize you're trying to show that it's only one speaker, and do not want to use a chunk/block of story, but I feel that a couple of them could still be lumped together so it doesn't look so 'sparse' (and confusing as it seems like someone else is speaking or responding to the other. Does that make sense?)

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Besides that, it was a very entertaining story to read. I thank you for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hallo SarahW !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "The Potters Apprentice on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A brief introduction into the world of pottery as seen through the eyes and experiences of the protagonist.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

According to your summary, this was only meant to showcase the craft of pottery-making and not being a full story. It's a good thing you did that or one would really wonder what the context of the tale is all about.

Through the eyes of a young man, by the name of Areon, the reader is exposed to the labor and details that go into the preparation of clay for pottery. You explain the steps required without being too wordy (or tedious) with technicalities. The addition of dialogue (though not much), allows the reader to see things via Areon's experiences. Who knew so much went into that process? Fascinating indeed.


*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>another reason for the village being place(d) in this location,

>>The clay was still not ready for use,*Cut* it needed to be mixed and made malleable.
This should be two different sentences.


>>Areon place(d) chunks of refined clay into a pile

>>much work it was to simply produce a clay ready for the potter's

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Overall, this was an interesting read, with a lot of potential as a much longer story.
Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of A Choice  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Hallo ~ Pat ~ !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "A Choice on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A woman comes to realize that her mother needs her more than ever. In this case, some sacrifices just have to be made.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

What a touching story. *Frown*

It's a grim reminder that there are families, out there, where parents feel abandoned or left alone when they reach a certain age. This story delves into that kind of a situation, only in this case, the mother is one who - at first -rebuffs the very idea of being taken care of despite her disease.

The daughter's decision to leave is a noble one, and her explanation to her mother at the end of this was quite necessary to break down the walls that's been built up between them over the years.

There's a straightforwardness to this tale; as if there's no need to beat around the bush with frivolities. You go straight into the narrator's story where we get to know about her mother's current condition and the tragic events that led up to it. You describe her mother's gradual decline and how it affects her daily life, yet one can tell that she's still full of pride and would rather her daughter return to where she came from.

The last paragraph was a nice way to end this. There's clearly hope for the future.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

No glaring errors noted!

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Thanks so very much for sharing this lovely piece with us, and keep on writing! *Bigsmile*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hallo Survivor48 !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Is Pride Worth the Stress? on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A poem that stresses the importance of personal accountability.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* I think this should be printed out and tacked onto everyone's wall. What a great piece to remind one of how important it is to see beyond petty anger and bitterness.

*Bullet* The first two stanzas deal with anger and the conflicts it creates. No one is immune to that emotion. However, it's how you deal with it, that's the real issue. One feels they've been wronged and wish to retaliate or fix your shattered pride, which leads to the next stanza.

*Bullet* The third deals with seeking humility and worrying less about what things cannot harm you. The fourth digs into the need to swallow one's pride and to move forward as best as possible.

*Bullet* The last two stanzas deal with knowing when to walk away from a situation and accepting defeat in a most honorable way. It's easy to try to exact revenge or to snap back at someone who has wronged you, but also taking the high road to be the better man or woman is considered a victory in itself.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

No glaring error noted!

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Thanks for sharing this inspirational poem! It was a pleasure to read. Keep on writing! *Bigsmile*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of My Missing Friend  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Hallo Hereward !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "My Missing Friend on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A poem that deals with the loss of a friend and the memories left behind.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

I have to confess that I thought this was about a girl and her 'diary'. Why? There are a few lines that stood out to me in that regard. She cannot be touched yet she seems to disappear when she picks up a book and the words you say/write are understood. I think these were in the last two stanzas or so.

Either way, this was a rather sad/poignant piece as it deals with the poet's loss of a dear friend.

I'm assuming this is written as a free verse (correct me if I'm wrong) because there's no real specific flow to this while reading. The emotions are there, even if they are stated literally. The reader is able to relate to the poet's feelings of loss and despair through it all.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>I think I already mentioned how the poem did get a little confusing toward the latter stanzas, but it would probably take one or two more reads to really comprehend the full meaning of it. Poetry can be that way sometimes, can't it?


*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*



Overall, this was a touching poem, and I thank you for sharing it. Keep on writing! *Smile*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)

Hallo Joywitch !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "All Who Walk with Long Knives on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A poem that recounts the poet's 'battle' with T.V and all it entails.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

Well darn, Joy!

If this isn't the most epic way of watching television, I don't know what is! *Laugh*

Ah, I envy you poets with your flowery words and incredible imagery, because this poem was loaded with it.

From the very first stanza where a remote control is compared to a sword and how its "long imperceptible blade" is use to "slash into the screen". That is quite a strong image to present to the reader. And it does almost feel that way, doesn't it? Especially when the remote decides not to work and you're there swinging it back and forth or pointing angrily at the screen as if it's all its fault! *Laugh*

The next few stanzas illustrate the near 'chaos' of the programs we're made to watch, and there's a lot of 'sound' made with your choice of words as well. "spasms/jingles/din/moans/cheering" all these help to bring this poem to life.

The last stanza did have me laughing out loud. It's ween you consider turning off the T.V. as a sacrilegious act to go grab a pizza! Nicely done! (though there's no harm in having a pizza and still going back to the chaos on T.V. at the same time, is there?)

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

No glaring errors noted.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Thanks for sharing this excellent piece and keep on writing! *Bigsmile*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Hallo Tileira !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "World Weavers' Championship on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A contest geared towards encouraging writers to dig deeper into the world revolving around their characters.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* Love the banner to this forum! I believe something eye-catching intrigues the writer and makes them want to know exactly what the contest is all about. Kudos for a well-chosen representation of what this activity entails.

*Bullet* The synopsis of the activity is well stated - and it's unfortunate that the original forum that inspired this is no longer active. Still, from what we can see, this is designed to encourage writers to think beyond the characters of their story. It encourages them to create new worlds where culture, politics, and geographical attributes are given according to their imagination.

*Bullet* The rules/FAQ are well laid out and I like that you made use of the drop down menus to go into more detail. Makes the forum neater and more presentable.

*Bullet* The prizes are quite generous and there apart from the main prizes, there are also 'conditional prizes' given for various other activities.

*Bullet* Also good to see you list the newsletters your activity was mentioned in! Seems like it's quite a hit with writers.

*Bullet* I see this also made it as a finalist in the 2015 Quills Awards, so congratulations! Well deserved! *Bigsmile*

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Only suggestion I would give is to perhaps provide links to how to create bitem/linking items in case there are any newbies that might want to participate and not know the ropes around here.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Overall, this looks like a fun activity, and I wish you all the best as you run it! Keep on writing! *Bigsmile*


23
23
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hallo River McKenna !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Support a Fellow Poet - winners posted! on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A contest designed to help promote fellow poets around Writing.com

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* What a great way to get the community involved with their fellow members! It's a contest that showcases, or rather, encourages others to nominate another's poem that might have inspired them. I think it's a wonderful way to acknowledge their works and to give them the accolades that sometimes elude them.

*Bullet* The prizes are quite generous and definitely front and center with the big font/bold colors to highlight just what they are going to win. If that doesn't whet anyone's appetite, I don't know what does.

*Bullet* The rules are straightforward enough and encourages one to nominate at least three people - but with a catch! Whatever poems you nominate must be reviewed and rated as well. All styles and genres are welcome, though there is a rating and word limit that's strictly enforced. If there are less than 10 entries, then only the first prize will be given out.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Though it's not compulsory, a nice image/banner or two, does help to invite people into the forum. Believe it or not, visuals can work wonders for people's interests.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Again, kudos to a wonderful activity to promote fellow writers! I wish you the best of luck, and keep on writing! *Bigsmile*


24
24
Review of A Whole New World  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hallo Lyndsay Rae !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "A Whole New World on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

A contest designed to encourage the writer to create whole new worlds from which new stories/novels can be written.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

Whoa! This is some massive undertaking, isn't it?

However, it's a great way to expand the writer's mind and allow them the opportunity to work on characters and details.

With such masterpieces as Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones and so on and so forth, I'm sure one can appreciate the amount of tiem and energy that goes into creating an entire new society/world where there are no limits to ones imagination.

There is a six-month run for this event. Sign ups are already beginning, but does end November 1st. The event itself starts at the beginning of next month, so in other words, the faster you sign up, the better!

You give a good synopsis of what the activity is all about and your rules are well laid out with instructions that should aid participants throughout the process. The prizes are quite generous! And you also give incentives to those who donate over a certain amount.

The project layout is great! As it gives one a game plan and allows them to know what to expect. Though no cheating is allowed by doing a project ahead of time.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

No glaring errors noted - though I would recommend providing links to how to create books/folder items especially for any newbie wanting to sign up.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


I wish you the best of luck as you kick off the new round of this excellent activity! Keep on writing! *Bigsmile*


25
25
Review of The Corridor  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hallo dblameck (David) !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "The Corridor on behalf of "The House of Targaryen for "Game of Thrones

*Dragon2*Content:

In a post-apocalpytic world, a man struggles to survive as best he can with dire consequesnces.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

What stood out to me while reading is just how great your descriptions were. It almost felt like you were watching a movie scene taking place, and you draw the reader into the story with your word choice.

You can see and even smell the corridor, and envision the aftermath of whatever destruction must have taken place. Let's not forget the 'stillness' of the place despite the appearance of the vermin and the mysterious swinging door.

There is no dialogue, but the you're still able to let us know exactly how the character thinks and how desperate he is to survive. Of course the mystery now remains as to who was in that place with him, and why did the final outcome take place?

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>As he moved from one ravished building to the next (,) he probed for signs of life

>>As he crept around the corner (,) gingerly he sighed in relief.

>>Somebody had told me (him?) that the ozone layer had been destroyed by the war

>>What was that.
Missing a question mark.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Thanks for the action-packed read! And keep on writing! *Bigsmile*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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