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1
1
Review of A Sea Change  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hello Alan Philps and thanks for submitting your entry "A Sea Change to
FORUM
Project Write World  (13+)
A celebration of writers and their distinct cultures to bring us all together.
#1254279 by iKïyå§ama-TY, Angels!


Overall Impression:

*Construction* Format:

*Bullet* Word count specified within item.
*Bullet* Image prompt specified within item.
*Bullet* Good formatting between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*News* Content:

          In the far distant future, Earth as we know it has been changed drastically, thanks to climate change. A woman finds herself dealing with not just the consequences of past decisions, but of the present situation she finds herself in. Her quest to make a change will probably have to come at a costly price; though for the better she hopes.

*Checkg* Pluses:

*Bullet* Thanks a lot for painting such a bleak future with this story. It's bad enough we have folks - in power- who refuse to believe that such a thing will happen and ignore all the warnings knocking at their door. Your story lets us know that such a devasating future (and its consequences) are right around the corner if we don't start doing something about it now.

*Bullet* The characterizations were quite good, as we get to know about each and their personalities and what motivates their actions. Sparse use of dialogue also helps to flesh out each character.

*Bullet* Good use of the image prompt. The reader is allowed to 'see' exactly what Ellen must have gone through during those difficult months.

*Bullet* Knowing a little bit of British history, their final decision for survival seems about right. Follows closely with that sort of mentality they had during World War II. Self-preservation at its finest.

*Magnify* Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions, and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*
Please remember not to edit anything until winners have been announced!

Well, I searched and combed through and could find nothing *shakes fists* The travesty! *Laugh*

*Bullet**Bullet**Bullet**Bullet**Bullet**Bullet**Bullet**Bullet*

Overall, a sobering tale with a somewhat (hopeful? although one has to wonder if it really is, because when chaos occurs...then what?) ending. It does leave the reader questioning exactly how their own societies will be able to cope with such a situation. How does one prepare for such a thing? Good read!

The best of luck, and thanks again for your participation in the contest!
Keep on writing! *Bigsmile*

_____________

*Idea* Resources:
*Bullet* "A Guide to Punctuation
*Bullet* "Do You Speak English?
*Bullet* "Kiya's Big Book of Writing Guidelines











*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of "21"  
for entry "Rolling In The Deep
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Cheri Annemos

Thank you for for entering "Musicology Anthology [13+] It is my honor to review your offering ""21" [18+] today. Please keep in mind that any suggestions I make here are just that: suggestions. Pick and choose which ones you like or discard them in their entirety. You and only you can decide what's right for your work. Every writer has an individual style--a unique voice to share with the world, and originality is not only welcome but encouraged.

Per instructions, each story can receive up to 100 points. While entries will be judged on creativity, plot, spelling/grammar, and characterization, I believe your ability to abide by the contest's rules is as important as the story itself.

Here is my scoring system: if your story hits the bullseye for any given category, then you will receive ALL of the allotted points for that category. If you miss the mark, you will receive NO points for that category.

The categories are:

*Reading* Overall Impression:

Due to the sheer volume of entries received I am unable to provide you with a detailed review of your work, but I can give you my overall impression.

*Calculator* Your Scores:

>> Well, you'd think good ol' Sarah would have learned a lesson with her track record for breaking up with boyfriends...but I guess not! *Laugh*

>>Seriously, "21" has been called by most people "the break-up album", and you can tell why. Most - if not all - of the stories seem to have the recurring theme of relationships going awry, heartbreak, and the loss of what might have been true love. The difficulty - when it comes to using an album like this - is trying to write stories that don't all seem alike. Unfortunately, most of yours come across in that fashion. It's where creativity could have come in a bit; while not flip a seemingly sad song into something a little more positive? They don't always have to end up being sob stories about terrible relationships. Most women (or men) can find strength in starting anew.

>>However, there was a story - "He Won't Go" - that was quite touching, though a little more details to flesh it would have made it more poignant. Still doesn't deter from the sad plot. So kudos for that.

Overall, good job with the your album/song choices! Thanks for participating in the contest. I wish you the best of luck, and keep on writing! *Quill*



*I referred to "Comment-In-A-Box [E] when rating this item.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Jen~ !

Thanks so very much for your entry to "Letters of Life, Love & Hope! *Smile*

If Cancer could read this now, it would be shaking in its boots! (or whatever it is Cancer tends to wear).

I enjoyed the anger unleashed in this because it definitely is the way most people feel once they hear the news. Why? Why me? Why now? How? How did this happen? WHY did this have to happen to me? All those questions race through your mind and you want to hit something in retaliation.

And yet there's the defiance in your tone; that despite it all, the fight for a cure continues and one day (we all cross our fingers!), there will definitely be a definitive cure for this disease. In the meantime, we will continue to do all we can to remain as positive as possible and to show that it cannot defeat us that easily.

Kiya's Infamous Nitpicks

Overall, a potent piece that's captured the emotions of what most breast cancer patients (and survivors) experience. Thanks again for sharing! It was an inspirational read. *Heart*






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Dear Ingrid  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ~Minja~ !

Thanks so very much for your entry to "Letters of Life, Love & Hope

Ingrid is indeed lucky to have you as a friend! What a wonderful tribute to someone who has inspired you, and how awesome is it that she's cancer free after five years (and counting). *Shock*

Inspiration can come from the most unlikely of places, and it's clear that her presence in your life has given you cause to re-evaluate your priorities and to appreciate things a little more.

And now, below comes the part you might want to pretend never happened, but hey, they are simply my suggestions, so it's completely up to you to do with them what you will. *Wink*

Kiya's Infamous Nitpicks

Thanks again for sharing your lovely poem (with such pretty graphics!) with us. It was an inspirational read. *Heart*






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Lynda Miller !

Thanks so very much for your entry to "Letters of Life, Love & Hope. *Smile*

What a touching story of your mother's struggle and strength shown in the face of Breast Cancer.

I appreciate you sharing her emotions - from the diagnosis to how she coped with it (even choosing to refuse radiation!). I also appreciate you sharing how it all affected you and your family, and how helpless you felt because your father wasn't there to take the role that was suddenly thrust upon you.

But guess what? She's lucky to have a daughter like you as well because it appears you both helped each other out in more ways than one. That is a true testament to the love you have for each other.

So below is just a few things you can do to make this even more of a 'shiny' story - you can choose to ignore them as they are simply my suggestions.

Kiya's Infamous Nitpicks






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo ~Lisa Noe~kittylove~ ! *Bigsmile*

Thanks so very much for your entry to "Letters of Life, Love & Hope.

I enjoyed your defiant letter to Breast Cancer. You've done a good job showcasing how the disease will not take most women down (though the fear you stated from awaiting the results of the exam must have been nail-biting - don't think I could go through that to be honest). The positive aspects of those who deal with the disease are showcased in the latter stages of your entry, and I'm glad to see that emphasized.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts on this. It was an inspirational read! *Heart*




7
7
Review of Summertime heat  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hallo 9 years whew! !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work "Summertime heat

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format -
Good formatting and easy to read.

*Note*Content:
A child's curiosity about frying an egg on a sidewalk comes to fruition.

*Note*Pluses:

*Checkg* Your title is kinda misleading. Why? Because folks can STILL fry eggs on the sidewalk these days. Have you been down South lately? *Shock**Laugh*

*Checkg* I enjoyed the tone of this story. The dialogue was excellent, and though no full descriptions were given of each character, one is still able to picture what they look like. You kept the dialect/accents with your writing, and the children actually sounded and behaved like children.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Paste* Mostly punctuation errors were noted, so I'll just post them all here so you see what I'm talking about:

>>"I’ll be. I didn’t believe it.” Ma whispered.
>>“The man said it was gonna to be hot today.” I chimed in.
>>“Thank you Ma’am.” Ben piped up.
>>“Did not.” Greg whispered.
>>“Did so.” Both Ben and I said at the same time.

All the periods before the ending quotation marks should be changed to commas. See "A Guide to Punctuation for guidelines.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, an enjoyable story with a tinge of nostalgia. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of They Don't Exist  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo GeminiGem !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work "They Don't Exist

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format -
Good formatting that's easy on the eye for the reader.

*Note*Content:
A young girl learns about a mythical creature called 'dogs'.

*Note*Pluses:

*Check* Oh, the humanity! A world without dogs?? What sorcery is this?? Or rather, what kind of a timeline is this where dogs don't exist?? *Cry*

*Check* Seriously though, what a fun story! It's well-written with a tone that children should be able to enjoy its tale and meaning. Never stop being curious...about good things that is.

*Check* For a second there, I thought this story was actually going to be set in the Harry Potter timeline, but phew! thank goodness you went another route. Your protagonist -for a short story - was actually fleshed out well, and one is able to get an idea of what kind of a girl she is.

*Check* And if the final scene doesn't bring a smile to your face, you are heartless! *Wink*

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Cut*"We need to have an important discussion." her Da began.
*Cut*"We really appreciate that she did that." Mum said.
Just need to have the periods before the ending dialogue quotation marks changed to commas

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, an enjoyable story with characters (and setting!) that should be intriguing to the reader. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Quill*






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Never Tell a Lie  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo Angels in my Ear !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work "Never Tell a Lie

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format -
Well formatted and easy to read

*Note*Content:
A girl has to deal with her mean older brother's torment.

*Note*Pluses:

*Bullet* Short and sweet, the simplicity of the story makes it enjoyable for a child to read. Though the subject matter is probably one that many can relate to. Urgh. Don't you just hate snotty older brothers?

*Bullet* The dialogue is what carries this mostly, and like I mentioned above, you've done well keeping the tone and mannerisms of children quite well. It doesn't feel forced or contrived.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Cut* wished that she and(had) been born an only child.

*Cut* “You can’t .It’s not fair, Bobby”
Move the period closer to the word 'can't' and then add a period to the end of the sentence (after Bobby, that is)

Were you under word limit for this? Would have been nice to know what Mary would have done afterwards...at least besides finding a better hiding place for the doll? Curious minds want to know!

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, a nice story that begs for more to be written. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Quill*






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo ~ Aqua ~ Eid Mubarak! !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work ""I'll always be there for you." on behalf of "30 Day Character Building Contest

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format -
Good formatting and easy to read

*Note*Content:
A man realizes his time is coming to an end and wishes to spend the last few moments with the one most precious to him.

*Note*Pluses:

*Checkg* If this doesn't bring a tear to your eye, you're heartless! *Cry* Lovely story and one that definitely tugs the heartstrings. It's never easy to lose a loved one, and being able to share any moment at all with them means the world, especially to a child.

*Checkg* I enjoyed the dialogue between father and daughter. You were able to capture Lily's innocence and the love Peter had for her with your words. Any father would be able to relate to the tale you've weaved. Well done!

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Checkg* I know you're under word constraint and have to be able to edit like crazy, however, it was a little difficult getting into the flow of the story at times because you jumped so quickly from scene to scene. For instance, I was sure the doctor had left the room, but in the very next breath, the doctor's there again, and there's no mention of when she actually came back (because I assume she left to give the family some privacy).

*Pencil* "Four," His voice sounded
*Pencil* "Mr. Ralph," The same voice
(not sure those bolded/underlined sections need to be capitalized)

*Pencil* "Look," the doctor looked at Peter, "If I have a few days, even hours to live, I would spend every second with my daughter. I don't want to live on wires, machines where I can't even be there for my Lily."

[I actually had to read that line a few times to understand what was going on, because I assumed the doctor was still talking - in relation to the last sentence before this. So my suggestion would be switch things up a little:]

*Paste* "Look," Peter continued, forcing the doctor to look at him. "If I have a few..."

*Pencil* It was eight p.m. and his stomach growled. "How about I surprise them?"

[Is the italicized section a thought or was it spoken out loud? If it's a thought, then you might not want to put it in quotation marks.]

*Pencil*The door opened and Carla stood with her jaw open and Lily stunned, Peter laughed.
[Get rid of the comma after 'stunned' and change it to a period.]

*Pencil* "Can I have a jar?"
A tiny voice said which made the shop owner hover over to the counter to see a small girl.
[Having this in separate lines makes it a little confusing. I was left wondering what the 'tiny voice said' until I realized it was a continuation of the previous line]

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, a wonderful sweet story of love and family with a lesson for all to cherish whatever moments we have with the ones most dearest to us. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Bigsmile*






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of F-A-I-L-U-R-E  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hallo Professor Q !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work "F-A-I-L-U-R-E on behalf of "30 Day Character Building Contest

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format -
Well formatted and easy to read.

*Note*Content:
The pressures felt by the protagonist during a competition and the unexpected(?) result.

*Note*Pluses +
*Checkg* Is it bad to say that I felt the tension of this young girl while reading this? It literally felt like I was the one on stage! Which is a strong testament to your ability to show the reader the actions of your character, rather than simply stating it.

*Checkg* There wasn't much with dialogue and yet we were in conversation with the character - if that makes any sense. We spelled along with her, and winced as we got the final result. Gosh, don't we all know how that feels??

*Checkg* Great flow of the story. Economic use of words with great impact.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

No suggestions as everything read quite smoothly.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

It's hard to write a short story and still leave the reader enthralled enough with the actions taking place. You've done an excellent job with that task, so kudos. Thanks for sharing your talent with us and keep on writing! *Quill*



GROUP
The WDC Angel Army  (ASR)
Dedicated to promoting positivity, encouragement, and support to the WDC community.
#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-TY, Angels!





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Bella  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hallo TJ Marie !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work "Bella

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format -
Good spacing between paragraphs making it easy to read at first glance.

*Note*Content:
A fun little story about a dog's day out as seen through its eyes.

*Note*Pluses +
Considering I have a dog, this was a treat (no pun intended) to read. It's like you could read her mind! Freaky! So that's what she intends to do whenever she drags me around the neighborhood chasing after any little thing that moves. Interesting. The little tricks section was also wonderful. You simply can't help smiling at how astute the animal is, and the last line about humans deserving a treat as well is so true! Goodness knows my doggy owes me a lot for all I put up with. *Cry*

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>I hear the nice two legged calling me again.
Here's me being too nit picky, but dash-gone-it, how about putting a hyphen between 'two' and 'legged' and seeing how that looks, eh? *Smile*
I hear the nice two-legged calling me again.

>> I do not understand the purpose of why the two legged's think this is necessary.
I had to read this a few times as the sentence seemed a little 'off'. What about...?
I do not understand why two-leggeds think this is necessary. (that apostrophe in your original sentence...*insert rubbing chin icon here*)

OR
I do not understand why the two-legged thinks this is necessary.

>>Come here (,) Bella.
Comma placed after or before the name of someone being addressed.

>>The one he calls Racheal is taking me,*Cut* this is going to be fun.
Could also work as two different sentences.

>>It has been a while (,) and I am hungry for the chase.

>>"Give me back my sandwich (,) you lousy mutt," the two legged
>> "Bella (,) that wasn't very nice."

>>Racheal looks at Bella and says, "We are almost
Ooops? Since we are seeing things from the dog's POV, shouldn't it be 'Racheal looks at me and says,' - be wary of switching POVs in the middle of your story.

>>Yes I love treats from here. Balls of goodness.
I'm assuming Bella would be excited with all of this, so your sentences should convey that, shouldn't they? Exclamation marks could work well here.
Yes! I love treats from here. Balls of goodness!
The reader can definitely feel Bella's happiness at being in her favorite place. *Smile*

>>Looking through (the) hole in the wall I can see

>>"Bella give me your paw."
>>I am very familiar with this ritual (,) and it is done a couple of ways before I get my treat.
>>This last trick has always seemed odd to me (,) and I only do it for the treat.
>>"Come on (,) Bella. Let's go home."

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, a lovely short story bound to bring a smile to anyone's face (not only dog lovers/owners). Just a little polishing here and there, and you're all set. Also to learn more about my punctuation nit picks, feel free to check out "A Guide to Punctuation for a much better explanation.

Thanks for sharing your work with us, and keep on writing! *Smile*



GROUP
The WDC Angel Army  (ASR)
Dedicated to promoting positivity, encouragement, and support to the WDC community.
#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-TY, Angels!





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)

*LeafG**LeafG**LeafG* Celebrate the Earth *LeafG**LeafG**LeafG*



Hello again, HuntersMoon and thanks for your entry to "The Earth Day Challenge! *Smile*

Huh? Is this supposed to be fiction? Because I'm sure there's a place in the United States where it's still snowing despite it being Spring.
[and no, I don't mean Alaska either] Or wasn't it The StoryMaster who posted a picture of snow falling in good ol' Philly just a week or so ago?

Makes you think, doesn't it? And I hope to goodness your story's solution to global warming isn't actually happening right now. Or is there something you're not telling us, Ken? *Laugh*

Jokes aside, this is a rather sad story when one thinks about it. It also leaves you wondering if there'll eventually come a time when our weather system is so messed up, what we now take for granted (Summer, Spring and even Fall) becomes a thing of the past. I sincerely hope our future generations do not end up having to be like Oliver - left to simply imagine what a green and colorful world was once like.

My only critique would be in the very first line:

*Cut*>>"Maaaa-om" The youthful voice
*Paste*There should be a period before the closing dialogue mark. As it reads now, it's a rather 'awkward' beginning.

Other than that, a very interesting read. Thanks for sharing your entry, and I wish you the best of luck.

Write on! *Quill*


14
14
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)

*LeafG**LeafG**LeafG* Celebrate the Earth *LeafG**LeafG**LeafG*



Hello Jessica and thanks for your entry to "The Earth Day Challenge! *Smile*

Okay, first off - you had me running around the internet to find out what a rondeau was! *Laugh* It wouldn't hurt to write a note about the poetry form at the end of your piece (after the winners are announced!), that way those who aren't familiar with the form get an idea of what it's all about.

That aside, you did manage to follow the 'rules' quite well, and created a piece that speaks of different ways we can all make a difference in a decaying world. It's not up to 'others' to make a change, but to each and every individual making a conscious decision to change their lifestyle for the positive.

There's still a long way to go, but one can only hope.

Thanks for sharing your entry, and I wish you the best of luck.

Write on! *Quill*


15
15
Review of Cleansing Tears  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)

*LeafG**LeafG**LeafG* Celebrate the Earth *LeafG**LeafG**LeafG*



Hello HuntersMoon and thanks for your entry to "The Earth Day Challenge! *Smile*

First off, good cover/image choice for this.

That alone should give the reader a good idea of what to expect with your poem and adds to a piece that tugs at the heartstrings.

The imagery of Mother Earth crying and struggling to keep up with the mess we have made (and continue to make), is definite food for thought. Many are indeed blase or assume that the changes will come 'from someone else', when all it takes is for each and every single person to take a moment to find something that can indeed make a difference.

In addendum, thanks for explaining this type of poem. I still consider myself a 'novice' at all the terms and rules in poetry, and it's always wonderful to stumble across new forms and their meanings. I think you pulled it off well, so kudos.

Thanks for sharing your entry, and I wish you the best of luck.

Write on! *Quill*


16
16
Review of Earth's Poem  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

*LeafG**LeafG**LeafG* Celebrate the Earth *LeafG**LeafG**LeafG*



Hello Jellyfish-Moving to Bath!Busy! and thanks for your entry to "The Earth Day Challenge! *Smile*

If the Earth could speak, what would she say?

I think your poem definitely captures her plaintive voice with vivid descriptions of how much is contributed by every other habitat besides a majority of the human race.

[Methinks we'd be graded a big fat 'F' if Mother Earth was a teacher]

I enjoyed the flow of this and your ability to keep the poem in rhyme. The last stanza is especially haunting, or perhaps a slap to the face for us to wake up and to realize just how far gone we are now.

Thanks for sharing your poem and the best of luck.

Write on! *Quill*


17
17
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)

*LeafG**LeafG**LeafG* Celebrate the Earth *LeafG**LeafG**LeafG*



Hello ~Minja~ and thanks for your entry to "The Earth Day Challenge *Smile*

Very, very interesting poem you have here, especially the little twist at the end where reading 'backwards' has the reader even thinking more about your words.

You pose very good questions in this (and the picture is quite haunting and thought-provoking). Questions that I hope readers will take into consideration as they go about their daily lives. While not everyone might be religious or believe in a higher power, they should at least give some thought to the creation of the planet and what sustains it.

You are no poetry expert, and neither am I, so I'm not about to spray you with my non-existent wisdom on the rhyme and rhythm of this. Except for my punctuation alarm button going off at this particular line:

What does it tell you common man?

Consider:

What does it tell you, Common Man?

You are addressing the human race and with a term (that's usually capitalized). Whenever someone or something is addressed, there should be a comma before the subject. *Smile*

All in all, a very thoughtful poem, and I thank you for sharing it. The best of luck in the contest and keep on writing. *Quill*


18
18
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)

*LeafG**LeafG**LeafG* Celebrate the Earth *LeafG**LeafG**LeafG*


Hello Lula-Lady of the angels and thanks for your entry to "The Earth Day Challenge *Smile*

A poem about the unfortunate changes a child sees to a place she could once consider paradise. And to see her mother being a part of it no less.

It is indeed a common and rather sad state of affairs when it comes to the environment, and in straightforward terms, you state that in this piece.

The last line "To find they never knew about the trees that she hid in her bedroom" is a nice way to say that despite the cold reality outside, she's still able to remember the beauty of Nature as it's meant to be. *Smile*

Since I wouldn't consider myself an expert at poetry and its rules, my only critique would be to perhaps work on the punctuation/pacing of this. It actually sort of reads more as a prose than a poem, since there's really no set rhyme or rhythm.

Thanks again for sharing your entry, and the best of luck.

Write on! *Quill*


19
19
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Elle and thanks for submitting your entry to
FORUM
Project Write World  (13+)
A celebration of writers and their distinct cultures to bring us all together.
#1254279 by iKïyå§ama-TY, Angels!


Overall Impression:

*Note*Content:

A writer shares an experience participating in a historic march/protest to fight against the unfairness to the Maori people, over the years, by the government.

*Note*Pluses +

- This is one of the reasons I started this contest, to learn - in more ways than one - such important differences and lessons each culture has to offer. I would never have known about this historical march otherwise, and I think it's a story that more readers ought to know about.

- Whina Cooper comes across as a brave, strong and determined woman in your story. You give the reader a vivid image of her and how she's able to commandeer everyone's attention and get them passionate enough to believe her cause.

- The addition of the native lingo was a nice touch (though I would have liked to know what some of the words meant - to be honest) and gave your story a 'flavor' of your native land that's unmistakable.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

Just one minor typo noticed:

>>Whina took up the task of education (educating?) those who had heard of the hikoi

Please remember not to edit anything until winners have been announced!

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Otherwise, a wonderful read and very educational indeed. I guess for those outsiders who know nothing more about New Zealand than the place where the "Lord of the Rings" movie was shot, they are bound to gain a whole new appreciation for the country and its people after reading this story of yours.

Thanks for sharing and the best of luck in the contest! *Smile*







*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Sarah and thanks for submitting your entry to
FORUM
Project Write World  (13+)
A celebration of writers and their distinct cultures to bring us all together.
#1254279 by iKïyå§ama-TY, Angels!


Overall Impression:

*Note*Content:

A look into the Zimbabwean justice system through the eyes of a female judge and a young man incarcerated for taking a stand against a corrupt system the only way he knows how.

*Note*Pluses +

- may I just say how depressing this story is...in a good way! There is something quite gut-wrenching about Musango's situation because this isn't fiction at all. This is a harsh reality that exists and continues to exist with every passing day in some part of world especially in your region. It makes one wonder just how many more Musangos are sitting in jail right now over the cause for fairness and justice.

- with that said, I enjoyed the courtroom scene. With the introduction of the characters, the tension, excitement, and theatrics captured with every line and dialogue, you manage to weave the reader into the situation and we find ourselves holding our breathes when Musango finally takes the stand (or wanting to gore Sibanda's eyes out).

- needless to say, you made good use of the prompt, and though there is hope at the end of the story (and all around good news), one still can't help wondering if there's really a light at the end of the tunnel for these characters. I find myself fearing for the judge's safety! Oh dear.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Not a lot to nitpick at, except for your rather generous use of commas in sentences that otherwise do not need them. Why is this important? Commas tend to create a 'pause' for the reader and when it becomes too much, it can break the flow of a good story.

>>James Mushore was talking to his client, him his voice so low nobody could hear what he was saying.

Please remember not to edit anything until winners have been announced!

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, a wonderful (but painful) read and one that should stick with the reader long after the last words have been read. Thank you for your submission to the contest and the best of luck! *Smile*




21
21
Review of Invisible Strings  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Prosperous Snow (Neva) and thanks for submitting your entry to
FORUM
Project Write World  (13+)
A celebration of writers and their distinct cultures to bring us all together.
#1254279 by iKïyå§ama-TY, Angels!


Overall Impression:

*Note*Content:
A wife, who once felt her life was being controlled by the man she loves, finds herself making a sudden decision that could change the course of her future.

*Note*Pluses +
- we get a sneak peek into Elsa's thought processes and what her marriage and life has been like.
- we see a woman determined to make a change (damn the consequences?) for the better or worse.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> You failed to follow the contest rules where it was specified that you must state whether the prompt or the image was used. Since I already knew what the quotation prompt was, I could see where it was vaguely used in the first paragraph, but for an 'outsider' who decides to read this, he or she will fail to understand what prompted this piece. Where were you drawing your inspiration from?

>> The 'dream' sequence at the beginning of the story should have some kind of significance, as I'm sure it relates to her final decision at the end of the story. However, I wish you would have expanded more on it. You had at least 3,000 words to work with, and this piece had so much more potential to make Elsa more relateable.

>> There seems to be a conflict about George. Is he a good person or a bad person? In one breath, he seems like an abusive husband, in the next it doesn't appear that way. Again, this is a section of the story that could have used some kind of expansion, allowing the reader to get a better understanding of their marriage and why Elsa took that final step.

>>"No!" She said aloud, setting sitting straight up in bed.

>>A tear rolled down her cheek, as she watch(ed) the lights.

>>Elsa sit sat up in bed and check(ed) the clock,

Please remember not to edit anything until winners have been announced!

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, I felt this was a story that needed to be 'told'. You've set it up nicely, but it leaves the reading seeking more or at least some kind of resolution to Elsa's choice. I hope when the scores are in, and you're free to edit, you reconsider doing so. *Smile*

My sincere thanks for your entry to the contest, and I wish you the best of luck!




22
22
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Jaya,

And thank you for your participation in "The Earth Day Challenge

There are pieces you read and you just have to sit back, digest and let its words flow through you, and I have to admit this poem did that for me.

Such powerful pictures you paint with your words and it puts things into perspective for us as humans. The 'destruction' we have caused over the years slowly and continously erodes all that was once beautiful and pure. Now, it's a rarity to find a really good place you can consider a haven; a remnant of Nature's true colors in today's society of towering cold constructions.

So it is all up to us to find our little places of refuge, or to try to preserve the few left. Thanks for showing us the reason why with your poem. It was a pleasure to read.

23
23
Review of The Bequest  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Ken,

And thank you for your participation in "The Earth Day Challenge

Not sure why reading this brought a big ol' lump to my throat, but it did.

There's something so simple yet 'powerful' about the act of planting a tree and leaving such a poignant message for future
generations.

If only such a message could be translated on a much louder wavelength to everyone across the world. Sad how so much destruction occurs each day, and we fail to see how something as 'easy' as planting a tree or maintaining what we do have, can make such a difference.

The imagery is excellent, and I just don't mean the use of the picture at the beginning of your poem. It's in the way 'grandpa' toils over his task with a resolution and determination that is admirable; and his statement at the end...a very nice way to round it all up.

Thanks again for your submission to the contest. This was a pleasure to read.

24
24
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Markymark and thanks for your entry to "a very Wodehouse challenge

Very nicely done.

I am no poetry guru either, but I can appreciate a good poem when I read it, and your item definitely shows you put some thought into it. *Smile*

You point out the reality of our society today with its technological advances that are supposedly beneficial, and yet a reminder that we now live in a world where actually having to 'work' to get something is becoming obsolete. Frightening thought isn't it? Wars, poverty, hunger, greed...all tackled as well.

However, the last few stanzas leave one with a feeling of hope for a better future. It's lets one know that despite the darkness we encounter today, there is always a chance for change no matter the obstacles we face.

Great job with the poem and thanks again for your entry to the contest. *Smile*





25
25
Review of An Angelic Visit  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello christine31 and thanks for your entry to "a very Wodehouse challenge. *Smile*

Well, I was definitely not expecting the sudden turn of events at the end there, so that was a nice albeit shocking surprise.

The story is a good one, in that it deals with the relationship between a daughter and her dying father, and all the emotions that are experienced. The most poignant of all, being the realization that a life was spared thanks to the presence of an "angel".

Unfortunately, I will have to admit that the emotions I had hoped to feel at the loss was not really felt. You simply told us what happened and did not show the depth of the characters or the situations. They felt too flat and one-dimensional, and it felt like I was reading through a scripted play instead getting to know the characters as much as I could have.

Your character was shocked at the news she received...so what about her reactions? If I received a phone call like that, I'd be out of my mind with worry. Imagine yourself in your character's shoes. Would you sound calm? Would your heart start racing? Would your stutter in panic? Would you be unable to concentrate? In the presence of her father...yes, she cried, but the scene did not carry the weight of the situation. You should make the reader want to cry along with her; to feel the depth of her anguish instead of the mechanical role she has to play.

A few other things I noticed are pointed out below:


>>“He’s in room 215. She will assist you,” and pointed to a nurse standing by a huge door.
Who pointed to the nurse? I know it's obvious that it's the receptionist, however, it doesn't hurt to add the pronoun after the dialogue tags: "He's in room 215. She will assist you," he/she said, and pointed to a nurse standing by a huge door." See what I mean?

>>“Hi dad,”
When the word 'dad' is used as a title (or as a replacement for a name), it should be capitalized. It is not capitalized when it's preceded by a possessive noun like say: my dad, our mom, their grandpa.

>>My dad was the strong *Thumbsup* [Exactly what I said above! *Smile*]

>>When I opened my apartment door...
The paragraph that begins with this phrase was a little confusing. The character arrives home to the answering machine blinking, and it's clear she's listening to a recording...how then does she launch into a conversation with a recording? You make no transition from listening to the messages to having an actual live conversation with a person. Try to make that distinction.

>>“I’ll find a place to arrange the funeral this morning,” I thought while showering.
Is your character thinking out loud? If not, you do not need the dialogue tags around her thoughts. I'll find a place to arrange the funeral this morning, I thought while showering. OR "I'll find a place to arrange the funeral this morning," I thought out loud while showering.

>>I turned on my right turn signal (,) but it was too late.

>>The car ended up hitting the concrete guardrail (,) and I hit my head very hard

>>“Dad was there, in the care(car) with me.”

Last but not least, the theme of the contest was to focus on what the year 2012 would bring, and there was really nothing in your story related to that. *Frown* All the same, it was a good effort, and I hope you are not discouraged by my suggestions and thoughts above. Just remember that this is your story, so take any editing tips given as a way to help you improve.

Thanks again for your entry to the contest and the best of luck with your writing. *Smile*

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