iKïyå§ama's (satet) Reviews

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(18+)
*CLOSED Until Further Notice* For customized requests/orders ONLY!
#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

227

#2602350

Review of Starting Over

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hallo WebWiԎch is Thankful

I will be reviewing your work Starting Over

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content: A young man remembers moments with his grandparents as he sets out to find himself and carry on his grandfather's trade.

Pluses + Ah, this was written for the Short Shots contest, right?

Very nicely done and I hope you do well in the contest. The story is touching and heartwarming. The love between grandfather and grandson is well-written and the reader is able to identify with their situation. I must confess the whole orange grove thing brought many flashbacks of 'The Godfather' *lol* Don't know if you've watched the movie or remember the exact scene I'm talking about.

Suggestions:

Just one typo was noticed:

>>I got back to the house expecting to see my him there

Overall, a good and interesting read! Thanks so much for sharing, good luck in the contest and keep on writing.

GROUP

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(ASR)
Dedicated to promoting positivity, encouragement, and support to the WDC community.
#1188309 by iKïyå§ama

228

#2594088

Review of Alex

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello ~Kalli~

and thank you for submitting your work Alex to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]"

.

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

Content: This is a poem dedicated to a friend that seems unable to quit a deadly habit.

Pluses + There's no doubt a tone of sadness and helplessness in this piece while reading. This friend of yours must have meant a lot to you and the words speak to his drastic change and inability to become better. The graphic descriptions might gross a few readers, but I thought it was well done and showed the harsh reality of being a drug addict. So kudos for that.

My only problem would be the flow of the last stanza, unlike the first two, it seemed a little choppier. You might want to work on that bit a little more. Overall, it was an interesting read and I thank you for sharing. Keep on writing.

** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **

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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

229

#2582320

Review of Reasonings

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hallo again Fyn-dragon

I will be reviewing your work Reasonings

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content: An author's night of discontent with her partner, and conversations with herself, bring about this story.

Pluses + Well, this was quite the clever little piece.

Besides me giggling a little at the (let's face it) senseless argument between you two (men can be such babies sometimes!), it did help to get you ready to write another story. In this case, we get to read about the events of the night as well as your thoughts on your marriage/relationship. There are a few eye-opening discoveries and emotions explored and I think it's always good to question those once in a while. Good job with some scene descriptions, especially that of the sunrise. I could picture that clearly in my mind while reading. Good job!

You definitely have a good selection of stories and thanks for allowing me to take a peek through them. Keep up the good work and keep on writing!

FOLDER

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Pay a visit to several c-note shops with a little something for everyone.
#1092992 by iKïyå§ama

230

#2582310

Review of A Fish Story

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hallo again Fyn-dragon

I will be reviewing your work A Fish Story

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content: This is a short but yet another funny recount of a story told to army recruit officers about a 'duel' with a shark.

Pluses + Ouch. As painful as the events that took place, this was also funny especially how quick the officers were eager to suggest better ways to get the suicide done. Oi.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> (Actually we got rather sidetracked and weren't thinking about sharks at all any more. )
I'm on the fence about the use of the parentheses in this section, but even so, there's an extra space between the last word and the symbol.

>>wrists to get a better grip in(on) the next set of cans.

>>In the second to the last paragraph, it seems like you should put some sections within double quotation marks - as in dialogue form. Reading it as it stands is a bit confusing.

Another good read. You just need to work on your dialogue a bit more for this one. Thanks for sharing!

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#1266628 by iKïyå§ama

231

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2582307

Review of The Day the Flowers Died

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hallo again Fyn-dragon

I will be reviewing your work The Day the Flowers Died

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content: The author's recount of a day out with a friend to the Village - where peace and love is supposed to be the motto of the day...or is it?

Pluses + Wow, this is turning out to be a fun read.

But really, that was rather scary, the situation you and your friend ended up getting into at so young an age. :( It's a good thing that you were able to find a few good people to rescue Lauren before things got worse. The stories I've heard from back then haven't been too pretty. Again, you do a great job drawing the reader into the story with good descriptions and imagery. I almost felt like I was there with you two. Nicely done!

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>We were fourteen years old and thought we (were) so very grown up.

>>that the cookies were the made with the "elixir of life."

>>we blamed it on someone's(someone) being a jerk and

>>He's not asleep, Moon lady told us.
That should be one word, right?

>>The ending was quite abrupt...but you said this is an excerpt from a much longer story?

Overall, this was yet another fun and entertaining (but scary!) chapter. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing.

FORUM

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14 days may be credited.

(18+)
*CLOSED Until Further Notice* For customized requests/orders ONLY!
#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

232

#2582300

Review of Plain Brown Wrapper

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hallo Fyn-dragon

I will be reviewing your work Plain Brown Wrapper

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content: This is the narrator's recollection of her young childhood memories - that of self-discovery as seen through the pages of Playboy.

Pluses + Hehee, I laughed at the final paragraph. That was funny - and I'm guessing this was based on actual events, since reading this felt like I was actually listening to you 'speak' out loud, which is good. You draw the reader into the story and allow us to see each scene as they take place.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>I snuck up to my parent's(parents') room to look around
Since there are two of them

>>underneath Great-grandmother(')s needlepoint

>>That summer I committed a fatal error that drove me crazy all summer.
Hmm...reading this through, sounded a bit too repetitive. I'd suggest deleting the second 'summer'.

I would have liked to see a bit more dialogue, but understandably this is a narration of childhood events. Good read all around. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing.

FORUM

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14 days may be credited.

(18+)
*CLOSED Until Further Notice* For customized requests/orders ONLY!
#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

233

#2579718

Review of The Natural End

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello Ryguy

and thank you for submitting your work The Natural End to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]"

.

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs, although you might want to do the same with your dialogue to make it consistent. At the moment, the format looks a bit uneven.

Content: The extraction of a human soul has become the most infamous/famous thing of its day as a narrator explains to his family.

Pluses +

I must confess that the first paragraph threw me for a loop and I had to go 'huh?' before reading on to find out exactly what you were getting at. In other words, this was great! What a unique storyline in general.

You have a good command of the language and a wide range of vocabulary which helps with enriching the piece and giving vivid descriptions. I could just about picture the events as they took place. Nicely done.

As for the finale, hmm...I'll have to read it again to understand just what happened or is about to happen. Don't want to give anything away, but methinks the narrator might be about to experience the same thing.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>I remember waking up at 4 in the morning in our
>>The doors finally opened at seven in the morning
See the difference between the underlined sections? Try to remain consistent.

>>“There’s no need for us here anymore; I’m sorry about,” he looked away,
Change the comma after 'about' to a period and begin 'he looked away' in a new sentence: "...I'm sorry about that." He looked away,

Overall, this was quite an interesting and entertaining story. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama

234

#2563632

Review of ~Memories of Momma~

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hallo WebWiԎch is Thankful

I will be reviewing your work Memories of Momma

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content: A young girl learns about the passing of her mother, although an event brings hope into her life.

Pluses + I'm guessing you wrote this for the Short Shots contest.

I think you did a good job bringing the picture to life with this story especially between mother and daughter. The reaction of the narrator to the sudden loss of her mother was quite touching (although a bit humorous at how she refused to believe it) - and seemed quite fitting for a girl her age.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>In the last paragraph, you tend to switch from present to past - by that I mean this line in particular:

Suddenly, I stopped typing my memoirs, got dressed,...

Before that, you used 'I sit/can't help/looking out' etc. Hence the line above should be along the lines of: Suddenly, I stop typing my memoirs, get dressed.... See what I mean?

Overall, this was a rather touching and interesting short story, and a pleasure to read. Thanks for sharing, good luck in the contest and keep on writing.

FORUM

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(18+)
*CLOSED Until Further Notice* For customized requests/orders ONLY!
#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

235

#2563607

Review of Chiseling Teacups

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hallo SWPoet

I will be reviewing your work Chiseling Teacups

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

Content: Wow, this was a great read. It's something that many, many, MANY of us have to experience in relationships where the other person tends to assume that whatever we say is an attack on their actions/personalities. I love the imagery with the chisel and the fragile teacup (depicting their egos methinks) and the last stanza with the offering of a cube of sugar, just hit the nail on the head (no pun intended).

This was very well written and a pleasure to read. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!

FOLDER

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Pay a visit to several c-note shops with a little something for everyone.
#1092992 by iKïyå§ama

236

#2563556

Review of Alpha-Pets in Picky Eaters

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hallo Phoenix Skye-Wolf

I will be reviewing your work Alpha-Pets in Picky Eaters

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content: Several animals - bored with eating the same thing everyday - decide to go on adventure to seek new things to taste.

Pluses + This is a rather interesting and entertaining children's story and I could clearly picture some of the scenes in illustrated form. The characters were unique (not everyday you get to read the story of an anteater or a quail *lol*) so that was nice to see. The language is simple enough for young children to understand - good dialogue, and the usual plot of new adventures is one that will have them excited to know what happens to our 'heroes'.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

Dialogue Tags: One thing I saw while reading was the failure to use appropriate dialogue tags in your story. Always place a comma after dialogue especially when followed by phrases that directly relate to the words spoken. For instance:

>>I get tired of eating ants for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.” Artie said to his friend Horatio Hare.
>>“I know what you mean.” said Horatio.

These should be re-written to:
>>"I get tired of eating ants for breakfast, lunch, and dinner," Artie said...
>>"I know what you mean," said Horatio.

They walked down the road for a

while seeing nothing different from what they were used to seeing.
Avoid repetition if possible.

“That sounds like a good idea.” both Artie and Horatio replied

We’ll be rooting for you (,) Quinn
Another comma rule, always place them before a person being addressed in a statement.

After Quinn left on his search (,) Artie and Horatio sat down in the shade of a large tree.
And yet another rule! (I know, commas are pesky little things aren't they?

I still make the mistakes all the time), but try to place them after the introductory phrase of a sentence.

If that would happen then he could take some of that tree food and help wash down the ants I eat everyday.
Notice the underlined phrases? You switched from the third person to the first person POV. Which makes this section quite confusing as we're not sure if we're simply reading the narration or Artie's thoughts.

“ I hope that I can give Artie and Horatio good news about what lies up the road. A variety of food would be so nice instead of always eating the same thing everyday.”, he thought as the air current
There were several things wrong with this. Besides the period at the end of the dialogue (look

for corrections), you use the phrase 'he thought' which gives the reader the impression that he's not speaking out loud. In that case, the double quotation marks are not needed. Re-write to: ...nice instead of always eating the same thing everyday, he thought. Note that I used italics to denote 'thought'. It's not necessary, but it does help to distinguish it from the rest of the narrative.

Driven by the smells Artie, Horatio
In the paragraph that begins with

- the word 'smells' is used so much, you might want to try using some other synonym to represent it...or at least delete a few of them. The thesaurus is your friend.

Who are Matt and Karl? They seem to suddenly pop into the conversation between the animals and not enough description is given about who they are. You might want to make their introduction a bit more detailed.

Overall, you have a good plot going here, but as you can see, you still have a lot of work to do to make this even better. This has definitely got a lot of potential and I wish you the best of luck as you continue to work on your editing. Keep on writing!

FOLDER

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Pay a visit to several c-note shops with a little something for everyone.
#1092992 by iKïyå§ama

237

#2542392

Review of The Unofficial Fantasy Contest (CLOSED)

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hello The Messenger

. I am a guest judge for

IN & OUT

The Best of the Rest at the Bee Hive

(E)
NOV 2025 Contest is open! Submit your Favorite Crosswords!
#1134192 by StephBee

Overall Impression:

Pluses + A nice welcoming image that fits the genre the contest is based upon. The rules are clear and straightfoward besides what I posted below. Fantasy seems to be a popular genre, so I'm glad that the contest is successful so far.

Suggestions:

>>Your entry cannot exceed 50 kb in length.(size)

>>Also you do not mention how high a rating you're willing to accept. Are you willing to read all ratings up to XGC or must it not exceed the 18+ rating?

Overall, good job with this. The prizes are also quite generous and should be more of an incentive for writers to enter. Keep up the good work and good luck in the contest!

"A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest"

238

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14 days may be credited.

#2542360

Review of The Hint Fiction Contest

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hello stomper

. I am a guest judge for

IN & OUT

The Best of the Rest at the Bee Hive

(E)
NOV 2025 Contest is open! Submit your Favorite Crosswords!
#1134192 by StephBee

Overall Impression:

Pluses + Simple but effective welcome image to the forum. In honor of a deceased member of WDC, the contest was created which focuses on 55 word stories. Sounds almost impossible, but then again, I was introduced to 100 word stories when I first came to WDC, so it can be done. The rules are clear and concise and is obviously successful due to the number of entries since its inception. The prizes are reasonable for each weekly winner.

Overall, you've done a good job hosting this contest and I wish you continuous luck with it. Keep it up!

"C-Note Alley"

239

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14 days may be credited.

#2542294

Review of Chasm

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello ImpulseZip

. I am a guest judge for

Rising Stars Shining Brighter

(E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

Pluses +Well, you weren't kidding when you said that this was a strange story.

I wasn't quite sure if the chasm was actually a symbolism of their growing distance as a couple - non-communication and all - but the last few paragraphs seemed to twist things around a little bit. Loved the idea of the post-it notes, now that was funny and yet sad in a way.

Suggestions:

Just one typo was noticed:
>>Maggie('s) indecision was over.

Overall this was an interesting story, although a few parts did confuse me in the opening paragraphs, but all around a fun read. Thanks for sharing, good luck in the contest and keep on writing.

** Image ID #1219023 Unavailable **
"♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]"

240

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14 days may be credited.

#2535679

Review of 30 Years

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hallo hbar

I will be reviewing your work 30 Years

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content: A man contemplates thirty years of being with the woman he loves.

Pluses +

Relatively good opening paragraph - I liked the description of their physical appearances and how it relates to all their hard work over the years. It sets a realistic tone for the couple.

The balance of shy young man seeking the attention of a beautiful young woman and the subsequent fall into adulthood and all the challenges they faced was nicely done. Although the man's thoughts seemed a bit jumbled sometimes, it was interesting to see how things were not at all perfect and that his insecurities were reflected within the story.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>She had been(was) 17 when they met, he had been(was/only) 18 and
The past participle 'had been' does not work well in this situation. It tends to 'bog' down the pace of the story - something you don't want to do. So to re-write this: She had been 17 when they met, he had been 18 and was not adept with women you might want to consider:
She was only 17 when they met, he only 18 and not adept with women. See the difference?

>>He did manage to play doubles with her that first
I'm assuming you mean tennis here, but for the readers who might not be familiar with those terms, the sudden introduction of the doubles scene might have them confused and wondering just what you mean. So try to put a line or two there that refers to actual tennis being played.

>>watery next to her quite(quiet) strength.

>>After a week spent gathering his courage (,) he was prepared to ask her out.
Place a comma after the introductory phrase of a sentence.

>>She was not at(in) class.

>>would not be capable of summing(summoning) the courage to again

>>She was with a friend and an older woman, 35 maybe 40.
OR consider re-writing this to: She was with a friend and an older woman in her mid-thirties or early forties.

>>introduced as someone, he was focused on Lori, she was warm
Change the comma after 'someone' to a semi-colon.

>>They were married less then(than) a year later,

>>She was a mature a woman now in

>>unknown by any but her closest confidents(confidants)

>>Nothing was ever used to hurt him, she couldn’t she loved him.
Not quite sure about this sentence. It was rather confusing and I don't really think it's necessary to the rest of the paragraph to be honest.

>>It is(was) easy to look behind and see
Switch of tenses from past to present.

>>“Can’t sleep?” She(she) asked drowsily

>>“It’s difficult” he replied.
Place a comma after 'difficult.

>> But he would accept her misplaced feelings and her.
You've already mentioned that he would accept her in the previous sentence. There's no need to repeat it as it sounds redundant.

Overall, this was an interesting little piece about marriage and a couple (especially a husband) who feels he's sometimes not worthy of the good things that has happened to him. I'm sure some readers will be able to relate to such a thing. Thanks for sharing, good luck with the edits and keep on writing.

FOLDER

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(E)
Pay a visit to several c-note shops with a little something for everyone.
#1092992 by iKïyå§ama

241

#2533681

Review of Inner Thoughts of a Wandering Mind

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life

and thank you for submitting your work On My Mind to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]"

.

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the article more presentable to the reader.

Content: Definitely seems like a stream of consciousness writing - and actually something some of us do think about every once in a while. You bring up some important questions although I must confess that your third paragraph threw me off for a loop and I had to read that several times to truly understand what you were trying to say.

But overall, an interesting piece and relatively well-written. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama

242

#2533679

Review of A Nation Moves Forth

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life

and thank you for submitting your work A Nation Moves Forth to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]"

.

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the article more presentable to the reader.

Content: This is a short piece that's dedicated to the memory of the tragic events of 9-11.

Pluses + I think this was a well written short tribute to the events of that day and what it means to those who currently fight to protect us from the horrors of terrorism. It's definitely an ongoing debate, one that will not find a resolution anytime soon. As much as we all wish for no more wars, there's always going to be one or two individuals who have staunch ideals that differ from the rest of us. Sad reality but true.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>received the biggest slap in the face in it's(its) history.

>>that moment six years ago......Now give thanks for today.
I'd suggest just changing the underlined word to 'and' - seems to flow/sound better that way.

Thanks for sharing this with us. It's definitely a piece that should have some of us contemplative. Keep on writing.

FORUM

Writing.Com in Wonderland

(E)
a celebration 25 years in the making! Come step into Wonderland for fantastic prizes!
#1266628 by iKïyå§ama

243

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2523647

Review of Fun with Friends

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hallo Poetry Emotion

I will be reviewing your work Fun with Friends Review #2 of 2 as gifted to you from tayasky

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content: Remembering a night out with a best friend is recounted in this story.

Pluses + I actually enjoyed this short little fun moment in time between three friends - or at least two long lost friends. The typical (well for the most part) male behavior at a social gathering (in this case a bar) is shown as we get into their antics. Dialogue was fun and entertaining and sounded like something such men would say. Nicely done.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> Coors lights were only 25 cents
'Coors Lights' is a brand name - hence both should be capitalized

>>as he gestured towards a blond in blue jeans and
I was always under the impression that 'blond' was reserved for men and 'blonde' for women. Might want to research that to be sure.

>> "I'll buy you a beer if you go up and tell her that." I said
Change period after 'that' to a comma

>> "Really? Well then, I think I must actually tell her this." he said
Same as above.

>>The ending felt a bit rushed - I felt there should have been a little bit more before the final sentence. Perhaps some way to tell how the night completely ended would have been nice.

Overall, this was an interesting little story. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing.

FORUM

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(18+)
*CLOSED Until Further Notice* For customized requests/orders ONLY!
#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

244

#2522721

Review of A Family of Sighs and Adorations

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hallo puravida

I will be reviewing your work A Family of Sighs and Adorations Review #3 of 5 as part of mars

's gift to you.

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content:

Pluses +

You always have the best opening lines in a story.

With that one, there's no way I won't want to know just why our narrator feels like that. Good introduction to the family and the characters that make them so unique.

Well, you've definitely introduced some great characters in this. From the father and his accent to a mother who somewhat refuses to be acknowledged as one - with her unorthodox teaching. Each child has their unique trait as well that make them interesting characters.

The various settings in this (have you traveled a lot??) make this seem to authentic. You can see, hear and even 'smell' the towns and people that surround them. Very well done.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>poor country get potable(portable) water

>>“I’m going to change my name.” I said.
Change the period after 'name' to a comma

>>“You pay more attention to the dog than you do to your own children.” Haley grumbled
Change the period after 'children' to a comma

>>“Who is the Partridge family (,) Hepzabah?”
Always place a comma before or after the name of a person being addressed.

>>“That’s OK, Hepz, he said
Missing a closing quotation mark after 'Hepz"

Overall, this was another interesting story about a family...well without roots. I enjoyed their dynamic and they definitely put the fun in dysfunction. Thanks for sharing this and keep on writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

(ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama

245

#2518609

Review of Tuesday Morning Coffee

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hallo Terilynne

and welcome to WDC!

I will be reviewing your work Tuesday Morning Coffee

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader. However, I'd placing a single line break between dialogue so it doesn't get so 'lost' within the narrative.

Content:

Pluses +

Very good opening paragraph. The descriptions were vivid and the reader was able to envision all the events as they took place. One particular line that stood out to me was: In a genuflection to the earth, the soft downy boughs of firs bend deeply with the weight of rain. That was just about poetic while reading.

From the sound of things, our heroine works from home? But maybe I missed something, but I'm more than curious to know exactly what she does. The whole ritual with her preparation for the work day was very detailed - again using fantastic imagery to paint a vivid scene for us.

I must say the man in this story was yummy!

You definitely did a good job describing him, although I wasn't quite sure if he's more than a friend and just what a 'boon' is. Might have to explain that part to me. I would have liked to 'see' the woman a bit more as well. We know her likes and a bit of her personality, but physical attributes would have been nice as well.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>One thing you want to be careful about is shifting from the present to the past tense within your story. It can become confusing to the reader, when we're not sure if the events being written about are happening 'now' or in the past. For more information about shifts and how to avoid them, check out: "Shifts"

>>“How are you my friend?” he asked. “I am well, my friend, now that I have my Tuesday morning coffee.”
Although some readers might discern that it's the woman responding, I think the section would read a little better if it's made a bit more obvious. "How are you my friend?" he asked.
"I am well, my friend," she replied, "now that I have my Tuesday morning coffee."
And remember to put them on separate lines.

Overall, this was an interesting and relatively well-written piece. Just a few more edits and you should be all set. Thanks for sharing, good luck and keep on writing!

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#1101926 by iKïyå§ama

246

#2518311

Review of A College Nightmare?

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hallo Shot-zee

and welcome to WDC!

I will be reviewing your work A College Nightmare?

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader (although I'd also suggest you do the same for dialogue so it doesn't get so lost within the narrative).

Content: A writer struggles to find inspiration for a new story, and reminisces on days gone by as a younger woman in college.

Pluses + You had a promising opening paragraph - one that definitely had me curious to know how the narrator would find inspiration. I applaud your attempt at using more detailed description especially with 'sound' - and this refers to the section with the weird sightings around the professor's office. *LOL* That was funny to read. You also manage to create such an eccentric character and I wish there was a wee bit more about him to tell. He sounds fun!

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>It was so much fun because we had been(were) able to be out for so long without any children.

>>It grew(became?) stranger as I grew(moved) closer.

>>I was able to begin to separate the sounds as I stood a few feet from the partly open door.
OR you could re-write this to:I began to separate the sounds as I stood a few feet from the partly open door. OR I was now able to separate the sounds as I stood a few feet from the partly open door. Be wary of being too wordy in your story.

>>In the last paragraph, capitalize each subject as you did with 'English' - in other words - 'Math', 'Physics' and 'Science'. Although one has to wonder why teachers would be practicing in a school building. Sounds a bit too risky for faculty, doesn't it?

>>I'm not sure if you plan to continue this, since the last paragraph doesn't really correlate with how the story began. It seemed like you began one way - the narrator's need for inspiration and the drive to clear her head - which led to her memories of school and then...??? What? Did thinking of all that make her go back to her computer to pen a few words? See why the story seems unfinished? But then again, your summary says 'beginning tale', so I'm assuming that there is a lot more coming.

You definitely have the talent, but try as much as possible not to use words that are not really necessary to a sentence and might make it seem too 'wordy'. Thanks for sharing this with us, good luck and keep on writing!

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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

247

#2518062

Review of the wave

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hallo ceecee

and welcome to WDC!

I will be reviewing your work the wave

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader, although the unique format is quite interesting.

Content: The correlation of the waves at an ocean and an artist's interpretation blend in this poem.

Pluses + One thing that struck me about this piece was the lovely images in conjured up while going through it. You can almost hear the crashing waves and see the wild array of colors as seen through the artist's eyes - and yet as soothing as it might be, you talk about chaos and the clash between the old and the new - nicely done.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>It rose, gentle, soundless, cooling, and uninposingunimposing

>>it became a plaything of man, an artist(')s dream of translucent
Since you're speaking of one particular person and not a generalization.

>>the artist(')s dream, studies in light, the glowing of life

>>sand, salt,crystals of nature,mixing with small life forms
Place a space between the commas and the words

>>The capitalization of some words to begin a stanza and others not capitalized makes it seem inconsistent - and since you use punctuation in only two lines (at least at the end of them), you should be more consistent with that to, so the reader knows when to pause or stop while reading the piece. It helps to give the poem some sort of rhythm and flow.

Overall, this was an interesting piece and I thank you for sharing. Good luck and keep on writing!

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#1266628 by iKïyå§ama

248

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2518042

Review of trip to apoka

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hallo mithras

and welcome to WDC!

I will be reviewing your work Trip to Apoka

Overall Impression:

Format – Depending on what word program you use, try making use of either the indent tag - {indent} - or placing a single line break between paragraphs, so that the story is more presentable to the reader.

Content: This is the story of a safari trip around the jungles or rather plains of Africa.

Pluses + I thought this was a rather well-written piece. Your descriptions were wonderful! Especially in the section with the interactions amongst the animals. Wow, it almost felt like I was looking at the scene right there. Very impressive.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>Not sure of why the ellipses ends the first paragraph.

>>The second paragraph was slightly confusing to me - the fragments to begin it make for an awkward read and I had to go through it a few times to understand what was happening.

>> vaporising crooked coppers with his ray gun
“Be still citizen
Missing a comma after 'gun'

>>Frustration is written all over the young lion(')s handsome face

>>“It’s good to be the king” He seems to think,
When a character 'thinks' it's words should not be within double quotation marks. Instead: It's good to be the king, he seems to think. OR It's good to be the king, he seems to think.

>>Keeping in mind that not every reader is familiar with some terms or phrases used in the story, you might want to have some sort of 'glossary' at the end of your story so they don't feel too alienated or unable to grasp the full meaning of the tale.

Overall, this was a good effort, but with a little more editing, I have no doubt it will be a gem. Thanks for sharing, good luck and keep on writing.

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#1188305 by iKïyå§ama

249

#2518006

Review of Straightjacket

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hallo Wes

and welcome to WDC!

I will be reviewing your work Straightjacket

Overall Impression:

Format – Depending on what word program you use, try to use either the indent tag - {indent} - or place a single line break between main paragraphs and dialogue so that your story is more presentable to the reader.

Content: A man, so overwhelmed with his insecurities, transfers his tumultuous emotions onto a wife that continues to claim her innocence of any wrongdoing.

Pluses + Although short, this was a rather good insight into the thought processes of a man who is quite paranoid (if you ask me). You do a good job showing his anxiety and how far he is willing to go to prove a point - as false as they might be. The main character is quite interesting and I almost wish I got to read a lot more about him.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>They had not spoken for three days over an argument they had had.
So many 'had's in this one, eh? How about re-writing it like: Due to an argument, they hadn't spoken to each other for three days. and see if that sounds better.

>>and surprise his wife by taking (her) out to lunch

>>“That’s what I thought. I knew it(,)” as he ran into the living room.

>>a nice car and a wife that loved him( even though
Fix the formatting of underlined section

>>He regret(regretted) it now, the yelling, coldness and the rigidity.

>>Those felling(feelings) were replaced with

>>One thing you might want to work on as well is attention to details/description/imagery. What's that? It's simply telling a little bit more about a situation instead of a simply stating the events as they take place. For instance:

He walked to his car and drove to work. Arriving at his place of work, an advertising firm, he took the elevator to the 68th floor where his office was located. He sat down in his corner office and got to work.

REVISED:
He walked to his car, a 95 lime green Chevy that he loved dearly, and drove to work. Arriving at the advertising firm, he took the elevator to the 68th floor where his office was located and sat down in his corner office with an inward sigh. It was time for another long day at work.

So you do not have to go with what I've written there, but at least you understand what I mean by adding more 'details' to a scene. With just a few words, the reader knows that he's a man who prefers his car to maybe his wife, dreads going to a workplace he doesn't even like while thoughts of his wife's escapades still plague him.

Overall, this was a good attempt, and I definitely think you have the potential to churn out wonderful stories with more writing/practice. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever get this edited and would like me to re-rate it, I'd be glad to do so. Keep on writing.

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#1188305 by iKïyå§ama

250

#2517963

Review of Passport: Honeymooners

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hallo Sarah Arnette

and welcome to WDC!

I will be reviewing your work Passport:Honeymooners

Overall Impression:

Format – Depending on what word program you use, try to use either the indent tag - {indent} - or place a single line break between paragraphs and dialogue, so the story looks more presentable to the reader.

Content: A couple decide to go to London for their honeymoon. Unfortunately, one mistake leads to a life a young woman could not have imagined for herself.

Pluses + I will say that the opening paragraph was quite promising and I was eager to know more about the couple and their escapades, but darn if things didn't go downhill from there quickly, eh?

You almost find yourself wishing that things had gone a bit better for them and the poor woman didn't have to deal with the events at the end. The plot would have been strong except for a few things I mention below and this also includes character development. There was definitely the potential of having some strong characters, but they fell flat towards the end.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>The house smelled like juniper on the(a) warm fall(Fall) day.
The use of 'the' makes it seem more specific instead of generalized - since there is no particular day that is being referenced.

>>The front of the building said Antiques and Collectibles, which
Perhaps it's a personal preference, but I've seen most writers do this, place the underlined section either within single quotation marks or italicize them, so it stands out a bit more.

>>necklace with a single am(??) amethyst on it.
Could you explain what that means to me?

>>Tony followed her voice to her side and looked at the necklace, unimpressed. “It is a rock. A rock on a chain,” his tone indicated a little sarcasm. He looks at piece again and notices the price tag. “A rock on a chain with a large price on it.”
Eeek! It's the dreaded 'Shifts!'

It's something you want to avoid when writing, and from the rest of your story, it seems like you switched back and forth quite often. This is not only distracting, but can turn a reader off quickly. Check out this article that explains more about shifts and how to improve on them: "Shifts"

>>Barbara was so shaken by the even(event) that her hands

>>The girl snapped her gum boredly as she checked the
OR this could be re-written as: The girl snapped her gum in boredom as she checked the...

>> It was not there either.”
Delete quotation mark at the end of that.

>>Maybe it was under her wallet she thought.
Several things wrong with this. First, place a comma after 'wallet' and secondly, since it's Barbara doing the thinking, it would seem odd that she refers to herself in the third person. So this should be re-written to: Maybe it's under my wallet, she thought. See the difference?

>>The phone rings a few time but(times and) finally a man picks up.

>>You must admit that it is very suspious(suspicious) that you claim it was

>>she was broke and only had the cloths(clothes) on her back left

>>Wow, what a sad ending, but the big ol' question remains...just what happened to her husband?? I do not understand why he would abandon her there when it seemed so obvious that he cared about her? The last few paragraphs (and the timeline) became quite confusing. How long had passed. How could everything that happened to her, just occur in a month? It seemed much too fast and unrealistic to be honest, and unless you're writing a fantasy-based story, you should try as much as possible to make your characters believable with whatever events they go through.

Overall, this was a good effort, but as you can see, you still need to work on a few things to make this story an even better read. If you are done editing and would like me take a look at it again and re-rate it, I'd be more than glad to help you with that. Good luck and keep on writing!

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