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Review of struck  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hallo !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Struck

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader. However, you might want to consider reducing the use of ellipses in your story. It can become a bit distracting after a while.

*Note*Content: This is a monologue, a short little snippet of the writer's feelings with that all encompassing emotion known as love. How did she feel after experiencing it for the first time? And what lessons has she learned from it?

*Note*Pluses + You are able to share something rather personal with your readers with this piece. I'm not quite sure of the life-changing experience you went through, and you do touch on something that should resonate with many of us: Life cannot be all good, it does hurt me a lot, but life helped me learn things I didn’t know from the start. Indeed, Life is a harsh professor who can be quite cruel and yet healing at the same time.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>As mentioned earlier, try to reduce the use of the ellipses (.....) in your story. It's okay to use it, but too much and it just becomes distracting to the reader.

>>Two long years of endless patience-challenging events had(have) past

>>and I’m proud to conquer(have conquered) such test(s) in my life.
(In fact, joining the two lines above, you should have something like: Two long years of endless patience-challenging events have passed, and I'm proud to have conquered such tests in my life. See the difference?)

>>Someone who knows what is the difference between reality and fantasy

>>Things had(have) changed since I’ve met this person
(Change of tense. I notice this a lot in your story)

>>Before, I’m(I was) merely an idealistic idiot,
(Same as above)

>>Does happiness really struck me?
(Re-write to: Did happiness really strike me?)

>>Does love did it also to you?
(Re-write to: Does love also do that to you? or Did love also do that to you?)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a very sweet and romantic little dedication to the person who means a lot to you and I thank you for sharing it with us. You just need to work on a few more edits and it will be an even better read. Keep on writing! *Smile*

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#1188305 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!

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Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hallo arya !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work It Happened One Night

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – I'd suggest placing a single line break between main paragraphs and dialogue so your story looks a bit more presentable to the reader. Nice idea to use the symbols to separate main scenes by the way.

*Note*Content: This is the story of a young man who finds himself at the lowest point of his life where thoughts of suicide reign. However, one night he receives an offer he can't refuse and his life is changed forever.

*Note*Pluses +

*Check1* I, personally, liked the opening line you used in your story (despite the suggestions I make below). It already gives the reader a good idea of the character and just what kind of a person he is. You go on to do a good job with his characteristics and personality.
*Check2* With the use of rupees (I'm guessing the story takes place in India, I could be wrong), but it would have been a little nice to give more description about the place he lives and grows up in. Allow the reader to grow more attached to the character by bringing his surroundings to life.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Bullet*Five minutes more of sleep did not mean that, the world would come to an end.
(Delete the comma in that sentence)

*Bullet*Opening my eyes in the morning meant another boring day in the office, where I worked as an errand boy in a corporate office.
(To reduce sounding redundant, you can re-phrase this section to: Opening my eyes in the morning meant another boring day at the work being the errand boy in a corporate office. or something along those lines.)

*Bullet*running to banks delivering letters to (the) office and other

*Bullet*something which would go down to(in) history…

*Bullet*rooms by six, for her daily cleaning.
(Delete comma in that sentence)

*Bullet*“It(')s ten minutes to six.”

*Bullet* Didn’t I hate that old dragon?
(Hmm, this sounded a bit...incomplete for some reason. At least it didn't sound quite right in the context of the paragraph. I'd suggest re-writing this to: Oh, how I hated that old dragon. or simply I hated that old dragon.)

*Bullet*the cashier complained against(about) me to the manager

*Bullet* and had never cheated a person in my life
(Missing a period at the end of this section)

*Bullet*That night, I walked down a lonely street, not knowing what lay waiting in my future. When suddenly a large hand muffed me, I struggled but in vain, the man was too strong for me.
(Wrong punctuation placements made this section a bit awkward to read and did not flow as well as it could have. My suggestion: That night, I walked down a lonely street, now knowing what lay waiting in my future. Suddenly a large hand muffed me, and although I struggled in vain, the man was too strong for me.)

*Bullet* The room was dark so, I could not see the visitor.
(Delete comma and place it after 'dark' instead)

*Bullet*I have earlier mentioned that, I am a very conscious-driven person; this offer was unimaginable.
(Re-write to: I have earlier mentioned that I am a very conscious (or did you mean conscience??)- driven person, hence this offer was unimaginable. See how that sounds.)

*Bullet*I climbed the ladder, gradually by
(Delete comma in that phrase)

*Bullet*In the last two paragraphs, the ellipses finishing each of them was a bit too long. I think you could do without them.

*Bullet*Last but not least, your closing paragraph, could use a much stronger finish. Perhaps something like: So you see? I did end up doing something big, something that will probably go down in history.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting story, but as you can see, you still need to work on a few edits to make it an even better read. A little expansion of the storyline couldn't hurt either. Perhaps talk a little more about his rise to fame and popularity in the underworld. That would be great! Thanks for sharing and keep on writing.*Smile*

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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!

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Review of Shine  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo Jessica and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Shine

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the song more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is a song that dwells on the emotions created by a relationship gone wrong. The sadness and bitterness is evident in each line, the result of being trapped with someone who only uses you for his/her own needs. It also seems to deal with the need to be free, to seek a means to grow away from this person's shadow and influence.

You were able to convey those emotions quite well, allowing the reader to experience the same emotions you might have gone through. The chorus was a bit long, but the flow was okay. I also find myself curious to know exactly what tune goes with such songs as I read through...still working on this one actually. *Smile*

*Note*Suggestions:

>>Try to use your punctuations where possible, that way the reader knows when to 'pause' or stop and can maintain the right rhythm while reading.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a good attempt and an interesting piece to read. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing.

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#1092992 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo again lonelybaby!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work My First Swing at Golf

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Ah golf, the game of the gods...or something like that. *Laugh* This was a short but rather humorous look at a quick lesson on the rudiments of a game that can indeed become addictive.

You had a relatively good opening paragraph, although I would have liked it to be a bit stronger and 'eye-catching' so to speak. The last paragraph was quite well done and leaving it with a question begs for the reader's input, almost making it interactive. Nicely done.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Now, I've been with my father, many years ago, and drove the cart for him.
(Although it becomes a bit clearer that you're saying you've been to the golf course with your father before, you do not specify that in the story and it makes the sentence above sound incomplete. I'd suggest: Now, I've been on a golf course with my father many years ago, and drove the cart for him. or something along those lines.)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an enjoyable little piece and it definitely had me giggling after I was done reading. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*

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#1123007 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!

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Review of I Dream  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hallo lonelybaby!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work I Dream

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: From your summary, I thought this would be a piece dedicated to a child, but as one reads, it's clear that it's a romantic poem of hope, love and peace for that special someone. I like the flow of this, almost reminding me of the Louis Armstrong strong 'What a Wonderful World'. *Smile*

*Note*Suggestions:

I see nothing for improvement.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall a fun and interesting, sweet and romantic piece. Thanks so much for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*

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#1188305 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!

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Review of Fly Away  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hallo Siam Tonsing and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Fly Away

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is a poem that seems to recount a bitter and broken relationship. The poet writes of love lost and the feelings of betrayal and yet a determination to go on despite all that's happened.

*Note*Pluses + I think you did a good job showing the various stages of the relationship and just how much it affected the poet. It's a feeling that many readers might identify with.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>I think your title is supposed to be 'Fly Away' not 'Flw Away'

>>For some reason this read as a song (with lyrics) to me rather than a poem. Or maybe it's the flow of the words while reading, but I still think it would fit more as a song/lyrics than an actual poem.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting but somewhat bittersweet poem. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*

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#1092992 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!

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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello St. Patrickraken *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
IN & OUT
The Best of the Rest at the Bee Hive   (E)
MAR 2024 Contest is open! Submit your Quiz!
#1134192 by StephBee


Overall Impression:

*Note*Pluses +

*Check1* Whoa, that was some massive reading to get through, but absolutely necessary or I would not have understood what all the pretty letters meant at the bottom of the screen. This, dear folks, is why reading instructions/rules/regulations is very important.
*Check2* I like the image used to welcome readers to your forum. Leger did a good job with the picture and fonts. Very eye-catching to match your title (which is pretty creative by the way).
*Check3* The prizes are reasonable enough for the degree of difficulty - and although it might look easy, it's a game that requires good spelling skills and most importantly, the ability to tell a 'story' with just a few words.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Since this contest has been running for quite some time, you must be doing something right, so keep up the excellent work. Thanks for your submission to the contest and good luck! *Smile*

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Review of The Last Second  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Cutter and thanks for submitting your entry The Last Second to the
A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A young woman is caught in the adrenaline rush of cracking codes and hacking into systems. Will she ever find the answer before the clock runs down on her?

*Note*Pluses +

*Check1* You made very good use of the prompt. Even without the image used, I'm able to picture the woman quite well as you incorporate all the elements of the prompt within the story.
*Check2* You have a good command of the language which made for a good flow while reading. There were no awkward sentences, spelling or grammar errors. Kudos.
*Check3* Your use of descriptive words and imagery in the story was very well done. It helped to make the situation more tense and you are able to draw the reader into the character's determination and yet feeling of anticipation and excitement.
*Check4* You had a relatively good opening, giving one the illusion of a woman on edge, and end it on a very tricky note. *Laugh* I definitely wasn't expecting that.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a very well-written and clever story. Thanks so much for your submission to the contest, good luck and keep on writing. *Smile*

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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Dennis Cardiff *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Pluses + *applauds* Wonderfully written! All that's left to complete this is some form of a pirate's 'aargh!' at the end of it. I have never hear of Jean Lafitte, so this was a nice little history lesson (and no folks, he's no Jack Sparrow, just about the only pirate many of us know these days) but his adventures and reputation are well chronicled in this poem. I'm definitely going to 'Wiki' him for more information. *Bigsmile*

You had a great rhyming scheme with this, which must not have been easy considering the subject matter...or not. You poets are quite clever with things like that. The flow was good and the ending was an appropriate finish to his grand story.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Thsnks for sharing this with us, good luck in the contest and keep on writing! *Smile*

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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Meg *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem presentable to the reader. Nice use of the image as well. It's interesting to see different forms of the military around the world.

*Note*Pluses + Bravo! I actually applauded after reading this piece, Meg. What a fantastic tribute to those men who sacrificed so much for your country. Especially in this time and era when war seems to be on the front page news everyday, one truly gains more respect and appreciation for these brave soldiers. Your poem was a fitting tribute, which not only tells of the history behind the ANZAC celebration, but gives hope for future generations.

Lest we forget, indeed.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece. The rest of the world has learned just a little bit more about your country. *Smile* Good luck in the contest and keep on writing.

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Iva Lilly Durham *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox  (ASR)
A monthly contest that focuses on Genre writing. CLOSED for the Summer.
#1092898 by StephBee


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Perhaps you didn't mean to do this, but wow, this piece almost brought me to tears. You write with such purpose, determination and strength for someone in your situation. I've always heard about the hospice and all that goes into taking care of such individuals, but your piece has brought this to light in a whole other way.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Bullet*not to so good for the patient

*Bullet*My original conclusion is that hospice is good for family, not to so good for the patient, and I haven't really changed my mind, *Cut* but I have had some very positive experiences with some of the employees of the hospice that serves me.
(This read as a run-on sentence to me. You might want to re-write this as: My original conclusion is that hospice is good for family, not so good for the patient, and I haven't really changed my mind. However, I have had some very positive experiences with some of the employees of the hospice that serves me. See if that reads better to you.)

*Bullet*litanty(litany) of aches and pains

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

This was truly an inspirational piece and I hope that you remain much longer with us, Iva. Remain blessed and keep on writing. *Smile*

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Rated: E | (2.5)
Hallo yaoiluvr4eva and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Magi ~A Naruto Story~

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Not sure what I can say about this, since it seems to be mostly dialogue and one liner narratives. I'd suggest placing a single line break between each main dialogue, all the same.

*Note*Content: This is a short story based on the anime, Naruto. It deals with two brothers, Itachi and Sasuke, who share a quiet brotherly moment when their parents are away.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* This is a sweet little story despite all I'm going to point out below. It's nice to see Itachi and Sasuke having such a time together. One can only imagine and hope that such a thing happened before all hell broke lose between them.
*Check2* You were able to capture Sasuke's naive tendencies and adoration for his older brother with the way you wrote his words. Fans are quite aware of how much Sasuke cared for his older brother, so kudos with that. Itachi also seems to be quite caring here too. A nice change from what we now know.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Bullet* There is one thing you did not seem to do after writing this story and that is making use of your edit/spell check option in whatever word program you use. There are a few spelling errors that could have easily been avoided just by taking the time to look over this piece again.

>>Sasuke asked me while climbing ontop(on top) of my
>>cause her mom's in the hospitol.(hospital)"
>>Guess you diserve(deserve) a special treat then
>>"Thay(They) each have a mission."
>>>>"Aniki! Your(You're) home!"

*Bullet* Another thing noticed is inconsistency with the name 'Sasuke'. In some sections you have it capitalized, in others, you don't.

>>"Thay each have a mission." sasuke said.
>>"Wow aniki! That's cool!" sasuke said

*Bullet* Dialogue rules were not adhered to. Whenever you write dialogue and it's followed by phrases that directly relate to action of the words spoken, always end it with a comma.

>>"Tadaima." I said as I walked
"Tadaima," I said as I walked.
>>"Aniki! Your home!" a six year old
"Aniki! You're home!" A six year old
>>"Hai, I'm back." I said
"Hai, I'm back," I said.
>>"Thay each have a mission." sasuke said.
"They each have a mission," Sasuke said.
>>"cause her mom's in the hospitol." Sasuke said.
"'Cause her mom's in the hospital," Sasuke said.

Another thing you might want to work on is the use of 'said' in the story. Try to mix things up a little and use other words that denote speech. Like 'Sasuke replied/answered'. That way, it doesn't begin to sound redundant or repetitive.

*Bullet* Try not to overwhelm the reader with too much Japanese lingo. It's clear that you know a few words here and there, but remember that not everyone who might take a look at this will understand what each word means. In fact, it's recommended that you hardly use them at all except for maybe honorifics. So at the end of your story, perhaps you should write up something like:

Translations:
*Note* Tadaima - I'm home.
*Note* Aniki - Big Brother
*Note* Okaasan - Mother
*Note* Otousan - Father
*Note* Otouto - Little Brother

That way, non-speaking/reading Japanese readers can understand what you were trying to say.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

As you can see, you still have some work to do with this piece. It's nice to see a fanfiction writer around the site, but be wary of falling too much into the cliche and stigma that faces many of us. Try to make your story different, eye-catching and most of all entertaining. The idea is to draw readers into these characters' lives or better yet, make non-fans of the show to become interested in it. Good luck with your edits and feel free to send it back to me when you're done with it for a re-rate. Keep on writing! *Smile*

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#1188305 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!

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Review of The Two Survivors  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello JudyB and thanks for submitting your entry The Two Survivors to the
A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Two friends find themselves victims of a shipwreck and are forced to fend for themselves on an island with no other inhabitants. Both men are surprised to find themselves adjusting well to their situation, even though they have families back home waiting for them.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You made good use of the prompt.
*Check2* It's quite an interesting style of giving each little scene a title. It almost makes it seem like one is reading a chaptered story. *lol*
*Check3* Your characters were rather interesting and I would like to know much more about them and their relationship.
*Check4* Dialogue, where used, was well-written and help to differentiate both men - personality wise.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>"Yup, I know" Kendall mumbled.
(Missing a comma after 'know')

>>No(t) wanting to argue, however, Tobias

>>The ending of the story seemed a bit weak to me. I would have liked a much stronger conclusion - some sort of resolution to their situation. It seems like you have more to tell and I know you were under constraint with the word limit. Perhaps now that the contest is over, you'll work on expanding it?

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall this was an interesting and entertaining piece. But as I mentioned above, I think you might want to expand this a bit more. It's begging for it *lol* Thanks again for your submission and keep on writing. *Smile*

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Review of Beauty Divine  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Gr8tfirefighter and thanks for submitting your entry Beauty Devine to the
A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A vain young woman, who seeks perfection, finally braces herself enough to visit the old woman who lives in a house that's far from appealing. What happens to her in there is one that she'll never forget.

*Note*Pluses +

*Check1* You made good use of the prompt - and although you didn't specify, I'm glad to see you used the second one. I was always curious to know what writers would make of it. Nicely done!
*Check2* The story line itself is one that's quite dark and creepy - especially toward the end. One has to wonder if the narrator will eventually hand the figurine to someone else or remain trapped in the house forever.
*Check3* You've created interesting characters and the narrator comes across as not a very likeable person.
*Check4* You had a relatively good beginning, just enough to have the reader eager to know more, but you had a much stronger finish.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>In your title, did you mean Divine?

>>I work real (hard?) to pass my tone of voice

>>I drive a two thousand four Jeep Grand
(I think it's standard practice to write out 'years' in numerical form. Hence, 2004 Jeep Grand would have worked just fine. Save you some extra words too. *Wink*)

>>paint or a loose single(shingle) anywhere

>>that is caring about their looks (,) but her house looks atrocious.

>>and must past(pass) by that shack every

>>The museum is currently undergoing renovations right now
(I'd suggest deleting the 'right now' since the word 'currently' is enough to show what you mean. Besides, you use the same phrase in the previous sentence making it sound redundant)

>>I've been to three or four of my neighbors but not here.(hers?)

>>It(')s either not loud or broken because I don't hear it(,) but moments later the

>>In fact(front) of me now stands the old lady

>>Her facial features have not change(d) even

>>"Come on in," She responds.
('she' should not be capitalized since it's a continuation of the dialogue)

>>your home is one of the most beautiful homes(home) I

>>than what I've experience(d) thus far.

>>I just can't image(imagine) what I'll do

>>Now I wish I haven't(hadn't) because what happened

>>your features forever," The old woman said
('the' should not be capitalized)

>>"Drink some of this” She proceeded
(Missing a period after 'this')

>>even though I've gotten plenty older, I look like I'm 26.
(I'd suggest re-writing this to: even though I've gotten much older, I still look like I'm 26.)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a good attempt and an interesting story despite all the errors pointed out above. Thanks again for taking the challenge, and I hope you enter next week's competition. Keep on writing! *Smile*


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Review of Life's Treasures  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hallo The Wild Ferret and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Life's Treasures

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is the story of Gwen, a young woman who has had a rather sad history with thunderstorms in the past and is forced to confront one on her own. Will she manage to keep past memories at bay as she waits anxiously for her husband's return?

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Although you have a good plot and the story itself is understandable, short and sweet, there were several things that made this less than stellar.

*Bullet*Spelling and Punctuation:

>>There were quite a lot of these and it makes me wonder if you went through the spell check option in whatever writing program you use. Always try to do a final scan of your story, so the little spelling errors can be caught and corrected.

>>As she sat by the livingroom window
('living room' should be separated. Same thing should be done in your summary)

>>Tazzy was outside wondering(wandering) around somewhere

>>at the power of the strom(storm)

>>The storm was getting worse and the lights flicker(ed).

>>With a load(loud) crack the lights blinked off.

>>She missed them terriblely(terribly)

>>her parents had lived thru(through) that storm.

>>since a tornado had wisked(whisked) her childhood

>>She heard a noice(noise) at the door.

>>she could met Dan at the doos.(door)

>>In regards to punctuation, this will deal with sentences that were broken in two with periods when they shouldn't have been. Some of them could work just as well with only commas or semi-colons used in their place. It helps with the flow of the story and doesn't make the reader 'pause' as much or 'stop' when it's not necessary.

>>As she watched she cringed at the power of the strom. Worried for the safety of her cat.
(I would suggest changing the first sentence since you already began the previous with 'as'. It sounds redundant. The use of the period should also be deleted. In other words: She cringed at the power of the storm, worried for the safety of her cat. See the difference?)

>>Tazzy was outside wondering around somewhere. And for her husband Dan that had called Gwen over an hour ago to say he was on his way home.
(This is another section that could be re-written. The second half of this is slightly confusing. I'd suggest: Tazzy was outside wandering around somewhere. Her husband, Dan, had called over an hour ago to say he was on his way home. Notice some of the words that have been deleted)

>>She had been afraid since a tornado had wisked her childhood home and parents away when she had been 10.
(Ouch! *Smile* So many 'had's in this sentence, it bogs it down and makes for a 'tedious' read. I'd suggest re-writing it to: She's been afraid of tornadoes since one whisked her childhood home along with her parents when she was only ten. or something along those lines)

>>The storm was getting worse and the lights flicker. Adding to Gwen's worried state of mind.
(Again, there's no need for the period there. It should be changed to a comma instead: The storm was getting worse and the lights flickered, adding to Gwen's worried state of mind. You want to avoid fragments as much as possible.)

>>Gwen hurried to light the candles she had placed on the fireplace mantle earlier. Feeling a little better with the soft glow.
(Same as above. Change the period after 'earlier' to a comma)

>>She hoped that they had not had to suffer.
(This could also be re-written to: She hoped they had not suffered. and it would work just as well)

>>As the cat ran quickly into the house(,) Gwen peered into the darkness
(Always place a comma after the introductory phrase of a sentence)

>>As she peered towards the south(??) she saw no lights
(That stumped me for a moment. She peered towards the south of what? It seems incomplete somehow)

>>As Gwen looked at the clock again (,) she finally saw Dan(')s truck lights flash across the yard.

*Bullet*'Showing' and 'Telling'/Characterization:

>>One of the things that remain with you after reading a good story is the 'effect' it has on the reader. How does the writer's words affect the reader? Did you feel sadness or happiness for the characters? In your story, we have a woman who is supposed to be terrified of the storm and the memories that come to mind are supposed to evoke feelings of pity and sadness...and yet the reader comes away not really connecting with Gwen at all. *Frown*

Take for instance this line:

>>Gwen sat in her rocker to try to calm herself. (Telling)

It's good. She was frightened, so she sat down. But what would happen if you went just a little further with that?

>>Gwen sat in her rocker to try to calm herself. She trembled and hugged herself gently, eyes fixated on the window as her heart beat quickened with each breath she took. (Showing)

Now, you've incorporated more senses into the story. The reader can somewhat relate to her feelings of fear and trepidation with her heart beating faster, and the trembling. You can clearly picture it and in some way make the reader 'feel' it too. See what I mean?

Through 'showing' you're also able to give your characters more depth and make them less flat or one-dimensional. Give them more human characteristics, so their behavior is believable.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Hopefully, my pointers will help in your editing process as you work on the story again. I think it's got a lot of potential and you're more than welcome to send me the link once you are done for a re-rate. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!

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Review of The Mango Tree  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello June Afternoon and thanks for submitting your entry The Mango Tree to the
A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: The story of a girl who meets and falls in love with a 'drifter' - a young musician who travels from place to place in search of his muse. It's a bittersweet romance, but one that will leave both parties with good memories.

*Note*Pluses +

*Check1* First off, I love mangoes! Had to get that out of the way *Laugh* You made good use of the prompt.
*Check2* Your opening paragraph was a bit weak (thanks to the punctuation placement) it was a bit hard to get a good flow while reading. Your closing paragraph was relatively okay and did give a good closure to the tale.
*Check3* I like some fo the imagery used in the piece. It brought some scenes to life and the reader is able to feel the emotions the characters go through.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Stories about love and loss are many. But Keith’s story was more than that; it was about
(I'd suggest re-arranging the punctuation in this phrase to something like: Stories about love and loss are many, but Keith's story was more than that. It was about...)

>>and then invited me to his friend(')s place for sometime

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting and somewhat touching piece. Thanks for your submission to the contest and good luck. *Smile*


** Image ID #1185175 Unavailable **
"♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo Kåre Enga in Udon Thani !*Smile*. I am a judge for the
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
and I will be reviewing your work Laura by Moonlight

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Laura is a woman with a penchant for sleeping in the closet and hearing voices that others cannot. What these messages mean to her, and why she acts the way she does, is something the reader will have to discover as we spend a day in Laura's life.

*Note*Pluses +

*Check1* Good opening paragraph - almost poetic - that draws the reader in and makes one curious to know more.
*Check2* You make use of some very good imagery in this piece, bringing the story to life and making each scene vivid and clear in the reader's eye.
*Check3* Your character was quite interesting and for a moment, I wasn't quite of whether she was actually alive or dead? I still don't to be honest. *Confused* Your story is one that needs to be read once or twice more for it to really sink in, but I won't deny that it's well-written.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>"O Lord, let something remain".
(Always place punctuation within the quotation marks)

>>Dis-ease gathered along the
(I'm guessing you used this word on purpose because at first read, one assumes it's 'disease' you're talking about and it's quite confusing. Unless you would prefer to use 'unease' which would make it more comprehensible.)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, quite a different and unique take on the prompt given. Not a story I completely understand, but it's always nice to see creativity. Thanks for your submission and good luck in the contest. *Smile*


Created by the talented Terryjroo, gifted by my 'sis in crime, Staine! :)
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Review of The Secret  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo shadowrose45 !*Smile*. I am a judge for the
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
and I will be reviewing your work The Secret

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good use of the indent tag to separate paragraphs and dialogue, making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Kacie has a secret to tell her best friend, Kylie. However, as Kylie comes to discover, this is a secret that cannot be kept to themselves for his dear friend's life might be in danger and someone has to be told as quickly as possible.

*Note*Pluses +

*Check1* You made good use of the prompt
*Check2* You had a good opening line, one that draws the reader into the story and makes them want to know more.
*Check3* Although your characters were not as indepth as I would have liked, we are able to learn about their personalities through dialogue and the situations they find themselves. It's always heartbreaking to read of such occurrences happening to young children, but it's a harsh reality - something that does happen in the real world.
*Check4* There was a good resolution, but I felt you could have had a much stronger finish to the story.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Sometimes he had secrets, too, but none that were important secrets.
(Redundant use of the word 'secret'. I'd suggest deleting the second one since the reader already knows what is not important.)

>>leaned over and whispered in his ear. “You can’t tell, because I’m not sposed(supposed) to tell anyone,” she cautioned in a whisper.
(We already know she's speaking in a whisper. No need to repeat it again)

>>Something about that last line seemed a bit too abrupt for me. I keep wondering why Kacie would say that. Was she just simply agreeing with what Miss Simms said? Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it.

*Note*Please make no edits to this story until the winners have been announced. Thanks!

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a heartbreaking but interesting story nonetheless. Thanks for your submission and good luck in the contest.


Created by the talented Terryjroo, gifted by my 'sis in crime, Staine! :)
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Review of Midnight Whispers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hallo Pennywise !*Smile*. I am a judge for the
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
and I will be reviewing your work Midnight Whispers

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Well the font size is quite helpful *Laugh*. Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Newlyweds move into a new home where they hope to live a new life together. However, the narrator begins to have a series of 'dreams' where she hears and then sees a person who attempts to warn of the dangers that surround her.

*Note*Pluses +

*Check1* A good opening, with enough to draw the reader in and make them more interested in continuing.
*Check2* I caught traces of Stephen King while reading this and wonder if you're influenced by his works? You do a great job with the descriptions of the character's fear and paranoia. The last few paragraphs were quite strong and brought the scene vividly in the reader's mind.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>“Yeah, like a baby.” He replied,
(Always end dialogue with a comma especially if followed by phrases that directly relate to the words spoken. In this case, it would become: "Yeah, like a baby," he replied. The same goes for dialogue written in this way for the rest of your story)

>>Beside my soulless soul-mate laid(lay) a broken glass
(Still iffy about the soulless and soul-mate used so close together. It almost sounds redundant)

>>How could my one true love do this too(to) me?

>>Perhaps I missed something, but where was the image prompt used in this story? *Confused* I found nothing relating to a boy and a girl whispering or anything related to children at all. It was a fantastic horror tale and the conclusion is enough to send the shivers down one's spine, but there was no use of the prompt. Unless, like I said, I missed it somewhere.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting, frightening (brr!), but entertaining as well. Thanks for your submission and good luck in the contest. *Smile*

Created by the talented Terryjroo, gifted by my 'sis in crime, Staine! :)
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Review of Altered Love  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hallo Mirage Moon !*Smile*. I am a judge for the
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
and I will be reviewing your work Altered Love

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: At a nightclub, chaos breaks - the aftermath of a supposed fight between two men. Why and how did Henry get involved with something like this, and is the end result just a figment of his imagination?

*Note*Pluses +

*Check1* Definitely an interesting use of the prompt. One would have expected children to be used, but you went on a different tangent.
*Check2* For a flash fiction contest, this would have been perfect. You've managed to tell us a snippet of a scene in which this man faces his delusions (seems that way to me) but you've got a lot of words to work with and I would have loved to see who this girl really is and what actually gave Henry the strength to fight, considering that he doesn't seem that intimidating.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>to take your statement,” relied(replied) the guard.

>>Henry screamed above the noise(,) “He

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Like I mentioned earlier, this would be a great story for a flash fiction contest, but I needed more details, to be able to relate to your characters a bit more and not left to fill in so many blank spaces. Thanks again for your submission and good luck in the contest. *Smile*

Created by the talented Terryjroo, gifted by my 'sis in crime, Staine! :)
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Review of The Game  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hallo Shannon !*Smile* . I am a judge for the
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
and I will be reviewing your work The Game

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Shannen and Cameron are the best of friends, growing up in Alaska in the late seventies. Playing games of pretend, however becomes real when Shannen notices something terrible happen on the way to meet her friend. Their innocent lives will be changed forever with this incident - an incident that haunts the narrator for as long as he lives.

*Note*Pluses +

*Check1* It was an interesting use of the prompt, by not being too literal with the image, you still manage to weave a tale of two siblings and what might have happened to them. It really is a terrible thing to read even if it's fiction.
*Check2* You had a good opening, one that should have the reader eager to know more. The last line of the story is haunting and should have readers contemplative long after the last word has been read.
*Check3* The characters were believeable - individuals we might be able to relate to. Thanks to good dialogue, their personalities are made more evident and we can distinguish one from the other.
*Check4* The setting was good and added to the somewhat 'frightening' mood that surrounded the story while reading. The flow of the story was good, there were no awkward sentences and it made for an enjoyable read.
*Check5* I noticed no spelling or grammar errors, so kudos!

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was quite a well-written and interesting story. Like I mentioned, it's one that's bound to leave readers somber at the realization that such things do happen in real life. Thanks for your submission and good luck in the contest. *Smile*


Created by the talented Terryjroo, gifted by my 'sis in crime, Staine! :)
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Review of The Wages of Sin  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo Iva Lilly Durham !*Smile* . I am a judge for the
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
and I will be reviewing your work The Wages of Sin

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Jim and Laura Vance were orphans growing up in a 'tough' situation with their grandfather during the 50s. Fiercely protective of his sister, Jim decides to take matters into his own hands, the day she tearfully pleads with him to help as best he can.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* An interesting use of the prompt - not really going for the literal telling, but rather dealing with the connection/bond between siblings over time.
*Check2* I must confess the first few paragraphs was a lot to take in, especially with all the names and relatives you threw out there, but things finally settled down with the second half of the story as we get to learn more about Jim and Laura.
*Check3* The dialogue, especially toward the end of the story was quite eye-opening and shocking to say the least. I'm sure readers will appreciate the little twist.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>What does WV stand for? *Confused* (Not all your readers might be familiar with it)

>>everyone with suffering.. God's servant
>>read his Bible.. They were always close, those two.
>>more than 30 grandchildren.. They did
>>according to the Good Book.. A plot began
(Delete extra period)

>> all looking so dirty and pathetic, *Cut* it was difficult to tell one from the other."
(Separate into two sentences)

>>"His breathing has really slowed." She noted
(Re-write this to: "His breathing has really slowed," she noted)

>>He gave his wife children and the children roofs over their heads.

>> suffer the pains of a firey(fiery?) hell."

>>Jim was five and Lauara(Laura) only 18 months old.

>>Jim was almost 16 years old and Laura was 13
(There seems to be an age discrepancy here. Compare the two lines above and you'll see what I mean. *Smile*)

>>Then, he drug(dragged) the body farther

>>"An eye for an eye, a life for a a life," he thought,
(A character's thoughts should not be placed within double quotation marks, unless he is speaking them out loud)

>>to rape a girl, Laula,(Laura) and my own

>>If there was a God, there wouldn't have been a Jack Caudill to begin with.
(Missing a quotation mark at the end of the sentence)

>>Jim Vance took no comfort her her words or from

>>He was buried in (the) Caudill family plot

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting story that seems to deal with how far one would go to prove his love and devotion to family. The consequences might end up being a blow in the end. Thanks for your submission and good luck in the contest. *Smile*

Created by the talented Terryjroo, gifted by my 'sis in crime, Staine! :)
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Review of Bad Places  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hallo Marks !*Smile* . I am a judge for the
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
and I will be reviewing your work Bad Places

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format –Good use of the indent tag to separate main paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: The setting is clearly in the South, where an old black man tells the reader of differences between good and evil, his ability to see things that the human eye cannot, and the story of two children, who open the doors to the dark stories that lie within a 'haunted' house.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You made good use of the prompt in a rather interesting way.
*Check2* I must confess that when I began reading, I thought I was about to get into an essay on good and evil in this world. But then the tone of the story changed, the accent crept in and all of a sudden I was staring at the old man from Stephen King's book - The Shining - if you've read the book, you'll understand what I mean.
*Check3* One thing I loved about this story was the great imagery you use in some sections. The part where you described the house was excellent and I could picture that very well in my mind while reading. Great job!
*Check4* From the narrator to the children and even the old man that appears with the gun, each character is unique and stand out in their own way. Kudos to making them as real as possible to the reader.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Course, there’s some places that’s had way
(First off, this should have the indent tag to begin the paragraph, secondly it should be written as 'Course a short form of 'of course' since that is the point you're trying to make - or just go with writing out the full thing.)

>>‘You should just go away(,)’ he said, his voice low and still.

>>‘Is that so’, my face straightened and I turned my eye onto
(I'd suggest re-writing this to: 'Is that so?' My face straightened... Since 'My face' begins a whole new sentence)

>>and bright in my mind(')s eye and I knew I was on to something,*Cut* it’ll only react like that when it feels it’s(its) opposite,
(Separate into two sentences)

>>‘ it’s not often I shirk away from darkness, no sir’.
(Always place punctuation marks within the quotation marks in dialogue. You should fix the rest of that in your story)

>>‘oh nothing, I’m sorry to bother you’, I said using all my strength to rise, ‘just and(an) old
('Oh and Just' should be capitalized since they begin new sentences.)

>>air blowing down form(from) the hills

>>Now, I'm confused! So the people he saw....were they real or not? I mean, you said this was a house that no one had lived in for so long, and all of a sudden these people appear?? *Confused* So which would make them...well...just figments of his imagination. Correct? *lol* I think I need some help with that particular section of the story. The last few paragraphs really had me scratching my head.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting piece and an entertaining read. Thanks for your submission and good luck in the contest. *Smile*

Created by the talented Terryjroo, gifted by my 'sis in crime, Staine! :)
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Review of The Changeling  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hallo Basilides !*Smile* . I am a judge for the
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
and I will be reviewing your work The Changeling

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A young man, on Christmas Day, must come to terms and deal with the 'demons' he faces, especially when they affect his family and friends around him. Will he ever be able to overcome them? Only time will tell.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* I must say you had me on the edge of my seat while reading this. There was something almost surreal about the plot, the settings and the events that take place. And yet the reader is able to feel Noll's fear, terror and depths of despair when he comes face to face with his sibling again. And all of this stemming from that photograph? I'm very impressed.
*Check2* You have a good command of the language, but did not overwhelm the reader with words that were unnecessary. The flow of the story was good, the characters well established and although it does take some careful reading to really get to the nitty gritty of the story (don't want to give too much away), readers will be surprised at the little twist you've added.
*Check3* Good use of dialogue to tell more of the story, the reader gets to know more of your characters that way. You make good use of imagery in some sections which bring the story to life while reading. Your opening paragraph might have been a little bit melodramatic, but as one reads more of the story, it blends well and fits. The last section of the story still has me thinking if everything is as it seems. I might be wrong, but...maybe you can tell me the answer to that.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Just one typo:
Tina took their daughter(')s hand and guided

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a well-written story and quite interesting. Thanks for your submission and good luck in the contest. *Smile*


Created by the talented Terryjroo, gifted by my 'sis in crime, Staine! :)
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Taarash and thanks for submitting your entry The Classes We Go To to the
A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Your formatting was a bit off, as not all paragraphs were separated with the single break. You might want to fix those so your story looks even more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A mother finds herself at her wits end when it comes to her children and her need to make them the best. However, she comes to realize that not everything has to be black and white, and that there are some lessons she too can learn - lessons that her children can pick up and understand as well.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>enough to go in without me. phew !!
(Capitalize 'Phew' and there should be no space between the word and the exclamation point)

>>You switch tenses so much in this, that it becomes distracting and tends to throw off the reader in regards to timeline. I'd suggest maintaining the past tense throughout the piece since this is a recount of something that has happened in the past.

>>comes with a hand-sum price.
(Not sure if you're doing a play on words there, but it should be 'handsome' if not)

>>a(n) ear for music in the form of keyboards,

>> I haven’t really thought if I could possibly do all this, for all the three, which I know I can’t, so haven’t thought about it, not just about yet.
(??? This one threw me off. I wasn't quite sure of what you were trying to say here)

>>shuttling them to tonnes(tons) of classes.

>>In your second to the last paragraph, there are several 'I's that are not capitalized.

>>After reading this, I'm trying hard to really see how it fits with the image prompt given. Unless you were writing about the child's perspective and how unhappy he is with all the lessons you have to put him through, having to live in a house that he's not comfortable with, and being pressured by the need to please you, your story doesn't really fit with the prompt given. *Frown*

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

However, it was an interesting piece, and one that could use a bit more polishing because you have a very good message in there. For parents who are so willing to make their children the best, they fail to notice the things that really do matter. You make that clear and should leave readers (especially parents) with something to think about. Thanks again for your submission and keep on writing. *Smile*



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