Hallo arya ! I will be reviewing your work It Happened One Night
Overall Impression:
Format – I'd suggest placing a single line break between main paragraphs and dialogue so your story looks a bit more presentable to the reader. Nice idea to use the symbols to separate main scenes by the way.
Content: This is the story of a young man who finds himself at the lowest point of his life where thoughts of suicide reign. However, one night he receives an offer he can't refuse and his life is changed forever.
Pluses +
I, personally, liked the opening line you used in your story (despite the suggestions I make below). It already gives the reader a good idea of the character and just what kind of a person he is. You go on to do a good job with his characteristics and personality.
With the use of rupees (I'm guessing the story takes place in India, I could be wrong), but it would have been a little nice to give more description about the place he lives and grows up in. Allow the reader to grow more attached to the character by bringing his surroundings to life.
Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.
Five minutes more of sleep did not mean that, the world would come to an end.
(Delete the comma in that sentence)
Opening my eyes in the morning meant another boring day in the office, where I worked as an errand boy in a corporate office.
(To reduce sounding redundant, you can re-phrase this section to: Opening my eyes in the morning meant another boring day at the work being the errand boy in a corporate office. or something along those lines.)
running to banks delivering letters to (the) office and other
something which would go down to(in) history…
rooms by six, for her daily cleaning.
(Delete comma in that sentence)
“It(')s ten minutes to six.”
Didn’t I hate that old dragon?
(Hmm, this sounded a bit...incomplete for some reason. At least it didn't sound quite right in the context of the paragraph. I'd suggest re-writing this to: Oh, how I hated that old dragon. or simply I hated that old dragon.)
the cashier complained against(about) me to the manager
and had never cheated a person in my life
(Missing a period at the end of this section)
That night, I walked down a lonely street, not knowing what lay waiting in my future. When suddenly a large hand muffed me, I struggled but in vain, the man was too strong for me.
(Wrong punctuation placements made this section a bit awkward to read and did not flow as well as it could have. My suggestion: That night, I walked down a lonely street, now knowing what lay waiting in my future. Suddenly a large hand muffed me, and although I struggled in vain, the man was too strong for me.)
The room was dark so, I could not see the visitor.
(Delete comma and place it after 'dark' instead)
I have earlier mentioned that, I am a very conscious-driven person; this offer was unimaginable.
(Re-write to: I have earlier mentioned that I am a very conscious (or did you mean conscience??)- driven person, hence this offer was unimaginable. See how that sounds.)
I climbed the ladder, gradually by
(Delete comma in that phrase)
In the last two paragraphs, the ellipses finishing each of them was a bit too long. I think you could do without them.
Last but not least, your closing paragraph, could use a much stronger finish. Perhaps something like: So you see? I did end up doing something big, something that will probably go down in history.
Overall, this was an interesting story, but as you can see, you still need to work on a few edits to make it an even better read. A little expansion of the storyline couldn't hurt either. Perhaps talk a little more about his rise to fame and popularity in the underworld. That would be great! Thanks for sharing and keep on writing.
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