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101
101
Review of Maram's CNotes  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Kuku - Peaceful in Ramadan

I will be reviewing your collection Maram's C-Notes as part of your entry to "The Best of the Rest at the Bee Hive

*Bullet* I'm not sure if you're still working on this, as there were several collections that were not complete. I'd have recommended you wait until you were completely done before submitting your entry to the contest. *Frown*

*Bullet* The images you chose were great overall, and I liked the quotes used on some of the images, especially for the Writer's Block Aid (with the rainbow dog) and the flowers in the 'Cheer Someone Up' collection.

*Bullet* However, go back to your images (where they are saved) and make sure you give them ratings that will make them visible in the c-note shop themselves. As it stands, you have several images in the 'Quotes, Quotes, Quotes' section that aren't showing up at all. And in the 'Cheer Someone Up' collection, you have a repeated image and one not showing up either.

*Bullet* My recommendation? Work a bit more on these, complete them and resend your folder back to the contest for the next round. There's always a chance for you to win, if you take the time to work on it.

Thanks for sharing all the same, and the best of luck to you. *Smile*

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102
102
Review of Iron Horse  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo Sammy !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Iron Horse

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: An abused woman finally comes to terms with the life she's been living and makes a decision to meet the most unlikeliest of rescuers, for life anew.

*Note*Pluses:
*Check1* Good set up with the opening paragraph. I like the 'gritty' feel of the scene or maybe it's just the setting, but either way, it leaves the reader curious to know more about this woman and what she's doing in such a place.
*Check2* Great job with the description of the main character, especially that restroom scene. The reader identifies with her a bit more and just might see themselves in every little thing that she does.
*Check3* Well cripes, here I was thinking she was about to get into some trouble with this new guy and he turns out to be completely different. What a way to let the reader know that we cannot judge a person by their physical appearance. This could almost be seen as a love story...in a twisted and wacky sort of way.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>making a good show of stretching and flexing outside his mustang.
'Mustang' is a brand name, so it should be capitalized.

>>Straightening (,) she shook the excess water from her hands
Comma after introductory phrase of sentence. Several other sentences had this problem, so instead of me pasting them all here, just try to catch them when editing.

>>as the lights played across the big rig(')s sleeper

>>“Iron Horse Sir?”
Is the whole thing what he's called? If not, 'sir' should not be capitalized, and there should be a comma after 'horse'.

>>“Please do not concern yourself with the likes of her, Sir.” The manager
Change the period after 'sir' to a comma. Also, 'the' should not be capitalized.

>>She was clearly uh…soliciting.” The manager
>>own meal this time.” Dan muttered,
Same as above. In fact, I notice that all your dialogue tags have this problem. Remember that dialogue always ends with a comma especially if the phrase afterward directly relates to the words spoken.

>>“Assume what you want, Boy
Why is 'boy' capitalized here and not in the previous place it's mentioned? Might want to maintain some consistency with this.

>>It’s ok, baby. Come
Missing the opening quotation marks to this dialogue.

>>“It’s OK (,) baby.
Again with consistency. Unless he actually raised his voice when saying 'OK' it shouldn't be capitalized.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

The conclusion brought a smile to my face, even though a tiny bit of me still wonders how a woman in that much of a physical and mental state could really handle being with a man that 'quickly'. But even though this is 'fiction', one can only hope for the best. Thanks for sharing this rather touching tale and I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Keep on writing! *Smile*

Kiya in Glasses
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#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!

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103
103
Review of Burning  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hallo Kenzie !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Burning

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content:

*Note*Pluses:
*Check1* Very good opening paragraph. You lead the reader into the events about to take place, and the especially ironic situation the narrator finds herself in. The phrase, fire of determination in their eyes, was a very nice touch considering what's about to happen.
*Check2* Ah, the infamous Salem witch hunts - fun times for all, weren't they? I like they way you've personalized such a terrible history, bringing it home to the reader that it was indeed a time when anyone and everyone could be accused of witchcraft, whether they practiced it or not. Your ability to bring out the narrator's feelings of guilt, brief anger, and resignation at her fate, was very well done. It leaves the reader wondering just how and why both sisters got into that situation in the first place.

*Note*Suggestions:

>>No noticeable errors or suggestions to make...well unless you plan on expanding the story a little more.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, an interesting snippet in time and a well-written historical piece. Thanks for sharing, good luck in the contest and keep on writing. *Smile*

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#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!

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104
104
Review of Roar of Flames  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hallo Poplar !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Roar of Flames

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A dragon finds himself the object of overzealous hunters. Its desperate attempts to flee and yet inflict harm on the others is foiled by the presence of an unlikely ally.

*Note*Pluses:
*Check1* Nothing captures the reader's attention better than a good opening paragraph and you did a relatively good job with the action-packed sequence. The only thing that slowed it down was your run-on sentences which I mention below.
*Check2* Good job with the descriptions of the dragon, the chase and the hunt. It was easily to visualize everything as it took place, so kudos for that.
*Check3* Never thought I'd get to feel sorry for a dragon, but you gave him a personality and characteristics that we could sympathize with. Nicely done.
*Check4* I'd have scratched my head at the conclusion, but this is fantasy and the happy ending did bring a smile to my face.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>One thing that jumped out at me was your tendency for really long sentences. They could easily be broken down, and will still have an impact on the storyline/pace of the story. For instance:
His silver bulk glistened in the clear afternoon sun *Cut* and the big dragon considered allowing them to chase him for a while, unsuccessfully, then leave them lost in the trees below the mountains of his home,*Cut* but decided against it.
His silver bulk glistened in the clear afternoon. He/The big dragon considered allowing them to chase him for a while, unsuccessfully, then leave them lost in the trees below the mountains of his home. However, he decided against it.

>>Before his wings were even stretched to their full extent (,) he folded them back in.
Always place a comma after the introductory phrase of a sentence.

>>His clawed paw slashed at the next one (,)while his tail guarded his behind *Cut* and he opened his mouth and roared(gave) a deadly roar.

>>The sound made the ground rumble and the warriors' teeth rattle, and*Cut* fire came with the roar,

>>Zrathem dived again and blew a steam (stream?) of fire at the men below, *Cut* distantly, he heard their screams and revelled in them.
Hopefully, by now you realize that the 'cut' emoticon means that you should break off to begin a new sentence. *Smile*

>>The manacles were getting ever so much closer and he was getting ever so much more exhausted.
Be wary of repetition, especially so close together in a sentence. Consider:
The manacles were getting closer and he was becoming much more exhausted.


>>Before he realised it (,) the manacle bearers were just seconds

>>If he was shackled...how was he able to touch the girl? *Confused* Or did I miss something?

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, it was a good attempt and an enjoyable read. You just need to work a bit more on tightening up your story and not relying too much on conjunctions (way too long sentences/sequences that bog down the pace of the tale). I wish you the best of luck in the contest, and keep on writing! *Smile*

Kiya in Glasses
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#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!

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105
105
Review of My Sanctuary  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hallo Alex Liao and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work My Sanctuary

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Presentation is always key to attracting readers to your item. In this case, I'd suggest placing a single line break between paragraphs or making use of the {indent} tag before each paragraph, so the story looks much 'neater'.

*Note*Content: The narrator finds sanctuary in the most unlikeliest of places.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* Very nicely done opening few lines - the descriptions and attention to detail allow the reader to 'see' the narrator and what their environment is like.
*Check2* The section about the graveyards and the emotions it wracked upon the narrator was also nicely done.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>In your summary, did you mean 'Hanging with the Eternally Silent'?

>>I didn’t wanna ruin the scenery with my dirty self (,) so I decided
>>I didn’t know what to do today (,) so might as well hang
Always place a comma before a conjunction like 'so/but/and'.

>>Another thing I noticed with your story is the inconsistency with the tenses. You tend to 'shift' a lot, and that ends up confusing the reader as to when exactly the events are taking place. Perhaps this can help you better understand how to avoid such things in your writing: "Shifts

>>but no one ever visits in that part of the cemetery.

>>You couldn’t here(hear) the footfalls because of the soft grass and ground but I could here(hear)

>>She lighted(lit) the candle(s),
She did bring two candles, didn't she?

>>Is there more to the story? It seems incomplete as it stands and begs the question...what next?

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this is a story with lots of potential. You just need to work a little more on making it as tight as possible, while expanding it a little more to cover up the plot holes. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*

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106
106
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo Del and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work How to Get Your Heart Broke.

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Presentation is always key when writing a story or poem, and one way to attract readers is by proper formatting. You can choose to either place a single line break between paragraphs or make use of the {indent} tag before each paragraph. That way, the story doesn't look too 'cluttered' or 'untidy.'

*Note*Content: The narrator takes us into the lives of children from broken homes, and the realization that their plight makes them even more grateful for what they have.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* From your title, one can assume that the story is going to be one that tugs the heartstrings and in a way it did not disappoint.
*Check2* Volunteerism is something that's coming back to America's consciousness, and I'm glad to see your story deals with how much we ALL can help in whatever little way we can. The stories of every boy and girl you mentioned in this piece, is a sad but true reflection of what these children have to go through. The importance of family can never be overemphasized and you did a great job showing how much it meant to them.
*Check4*If you can sit through the Sunday Chapel service and not be touched, you’d better have someone drive you to the mortuary. Very nice line!

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>The place is always looking for folks to work to help the staff.

>>on volunteers so they usually have works for visitors.
Or better yet, why don't you try ...on volunteers, so they usually have different jobs for visitors. You make use of the word 'work' so many times in this paragraph, it would be nice to mix things up a bit.

>>It’s a big job and takes a lot of staff time (,) so volunteers are
Commas are usually encouraged before conjunctions.

>>Call ahead for reservations and arrive before 4:00(four) in the afternoon

>>There were about 85 resident kids in the late fall of ’02 when we were (there?).

>>When the Chaplain asks for prayer requests kids hand from all over the room shot up and
One thing I've noticed is a lot of shift in tenses. You go from past to present and back to past all in the space of one sentence, which can make it a bit confusing to the reader. For this section, for example, I'd suggest: When the Chaplain asks for prayer requests, kids' hands from all over the room shoot up and... Also note the placement of the comma. Always add that after the introductory phrase of a sentence.

>>shot(shoot) up and the the requests are

>>a ninth grade resident student working part-time who is in the Home because his aunt (,) with whom he was living (,)was on

>>We were invited to a one of the two cottages

>>And we've been going back every year since.
It's not always encourage to start off a sentence with 'and', and without it, I think the conclusion gives more of an emphatic impact.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a rather well written piece, although the points listed above are bound to make it an even better read. Thanks for sharing such an inspirational story with us and I hope you continue to enlighten readers with your works. Keep on writing! *Smile*

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107
107
Review of Earthquake  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo LiveOnTheEdge and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Earthquake

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Breaking up is hard in any situation and a love lost is explored in this piece.

*Note*Pluses + For those who have indeed been at the receiving end of a hurtful relationship, can very well relate to what you've written. I like the analogy of the earthquake and how being in love and having it all thrown away can be that shattering. Good use of imagery in this.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>it feels like its near breaking.
I'd consider going with: it feels like it's breaking.

>>the 'tbc' at the end, does that mean you plan to expand this? Remember to work on your item without others rating it (while unfinished), click on the 'Edit' tab on the narrow black menu bar right above the story, and in the second option for 'Access Restrictions' select the 'Private-For My Eyes Only' option, save and edit to your heart's content. When it's ready for public viewing again, repeat the process but this time, choose 'Make Public'.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

I'm eager to see how this all pans out, so feel free to send it to my inbox whenever you feel you're ready. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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108
108
Review of Grief  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo SDS and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Grief

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: The loss of a loved one is never easy.

*Note*Pluses + You do a good job showing the 'conversation' that takes place in this setting. One can assume the events are happening in a hospital, with words that emphasize the agony of waiting for the inevitable. The use of repetition for some key words drive home the point of loneliness and loss despite the 'noise' around them. Nicely done.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>we've been waiting to see that look in the doctor(')s eye

>>nothing to be anticipating
Perhaps writing: nothing to anticipate might work better?

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, a good attempt and a poem that some might be able to relate to. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing.


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109
109
Review of Child Violence  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo Emily Barner and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Child Violence

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the article more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: An essay on child violence and the reason behind it, based on several psychologists' theories on the subject.

*Note*Pluses +

*Check1* The thought process that best explain this is Piaget’s preoperational thinking theory. - Aaaaah, I saw this line and went 'oh yes!' - memories of Psych 101 came rushing back and now you've definitely got my interest piqued. Time to see what you have to say to back up your original claim, using this famous theory.
*Check2* You do a relatively good job based on the theories you've pointed out - Piaget and Vgotsky - justifying the boy's actions. [Personally], I don't buy that, but then again, that's not the issue. Based on your readings/research, the conclusion seems fair enough.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Bullet* actions because of there(their) lack of developmental limitations

*Bullet* processes as adults and there for(therefore) can not ('cannot' should actually be one word) make the

*Bullet* This means that (t)hey do not have the capability to reason

*Bullet* based on what is best fro(for) everyone involved.

*Bullet* Children are egocentric and focus only on themselves with out the
'without' should be one word.

*Bullet* actions would affect the victim, the others(other) students

*Bullet* In reference to the above line, what article are you talking about? You make no mention of it, or is this simply based on something assigned to you by your teacher?

*Bullet* Children lean(learn) and model behaviors that they

*Bullet* and how sever(e) injuries can be when a person is shot

*Bullet* assume to have a better understanding (of) his actions.

*Bullet* When children have difficulty expressing their emotions two things can happen (insert a colon here, since you're about to list some points) they can internalize

*Bullet* In the case of the little boy in the article (,) I feel he was
Always place a comma after the introductory phrase of a sentence.

*Bullet* This is a sign on(of) antisocial behavior (,) however an extreme example.

*Bullet* it seems unfair to hold tem(them) accountable for what seem

*Bullet* can cause harms(harm) to others or that they can

*Bullet* If children are not taught right from wrong at young age and are exposed to dangerous behaviors but see that other are being rewarded for it they can not reason that in different circumstances that particular behavior is criminal.
I highlight the entire thing because it seems as if you rushed through the conclusion and at first read, it might not make sense to the reader. This is the part where you want to drive the message home and remind readers of just what your argument and justification of whatever actions this child has done. If you do insist on sticking with this conclusion, then I'd suggest re-writing it along the lines of (keeping note of the punctuation):
If children are not taught right from wrong at a young age and are exposed to dangerous behaviors, which seem to be rewarded in today's society, they cannot reason that such circumstances or behavior is considered criminal.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

As you can see, the essay needs a little more polishing (spelling errors/grammar that can be picked up by whatever spell check program you use), so it's more put together and ready for submission. Good job with the essay and I hope you do well when submitted. Keep on writing!

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Kiya in Glasses
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110
110
Review of Scarlet Swirl  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hallo E and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Scarlet Swirl

Overall Impression:

*Check1* I wasn't really sure if this was a prose or just a tiny snippet of something bigger, but it seems as if there could be more to the story. Your opening line is definitely an attention grabber and should have readers eager to know more. For some reason, the use of colors in this piece stood out to me - the use of red/scarlet and darkness gave it a little depth.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>The sent(scent) of blood filled my nose like a bad oder(odor). But this oder smell(odor smelled) good.

>>Like the sweetest wine that was extermely{b](extremely) rare

>>Then suddenly everything changed, pained filled my body

>>Its over my life has ended
It's over. My life has ended.

>>That(')s what I am.

>>Could I still*Cut*be alive?
Separate the two words.

>>On(With) my last breath I say

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

As you can see, your piece was filled with simple spelling errors that could easily be avoided by making use of your word document spell check option. I was also confused with the ending, since I assumed this was all a part of a dream, so you might want to work on expanding that bit a little more.

You definitely have a good story line here and I'd like to see this piece edited and worked on. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing.


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111
111
Review of Seduction  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo Red and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Seduction

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A man's dreams take him back to his past although the future just might be a lot bleaker than he thinks.

*Note*Pluses + You definitely captured my attention with the opening paragraph of your story and it's clear that you have a good grasp of the language and are able to paint vivid scenes for the reader. We're taken into the man's dream world and the surreal events that take place. Now, the ending was a bit of a shocker and now has me wondering...why??

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Bullet* One second he was awake, the next he’d been ensnared*Cut*by sleep.
>>Separate the two words.

*Bullet* seeing his dead father sat(sitting) on the porch of the old family homestead.

*Bullet* Now that I look at the story again, I think that big chunk of a first paragraph could be broken into two or three separate sections.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

As I mentioned earlier, the conclusion was definitely not expected and we are left to wonder just why his wife would do something like that. There might have been some foreshadowing in the dream, but then again...it might not have been. Seems like this could be continued or at least a better explanation given for why things ended the way it did.
Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!


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112
112
Review of Train In My Head  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo Meg B Gearhart and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Train in My Head

Overall Impression:

*Check1* Quite an interesting take on 'taking-the-plunge' with the use of the train as an analogy. You do a good job showing the poet's uncertainty and yet willingness to try something new and different. The meeting of machine and body drives the message home.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Bullet* Not much by way of suggestions, although you might want to consider using punctuation to allow the reader have a good idea of the pace/flow of the poem while reading.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, a good effort and an enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing.

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Kiya in Glasses
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113
113
Review of Where Am I  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hallo orca11 and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Where Am I

Overall Impression:

*Check1* Although the poem seems relatively simple in its presentation, one gets the feeling you seek for something deeper, and some meaning to a life filled with doubt. As your summary implies, there is a tone of hope for whatever the future brings.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Bullet* You forgot to give this item a rating - might help to attract a few more readers.

*Bullet* I'm not a stickler for punctuation in poetry as some poems do quite well without it. However, the way you have this written tends to throw the reader off a bit as we are not sure of when to 'pause' or maintain a certain pace while reading. You might want to consider using periods or commas where suitable.

*Bullet* All of this seems appauling(appalling)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, a good attempt, but you do not want to leave your readers scratching their heads afterward. Do not be deterred by the rating given to this piece. I'd be more than willing to make it higher if improvements are made and sent back to me to be reviewed again. Good luck and keep on writing!

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114
114
Review of The Baby  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo OriginalSinnick !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work The Baby

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good use of the indent tag to separate paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A young woman contemplates a life she's lived and the live within her, going through the painful rituals of childbirth and yet a wonderful reward in the end.

*Note*Pluses:
*Check* Very good opening paragraph. It's a great way to kick off the story, capture the reader's attention with the character's attitude towards the people and situation around her especially her condition.
*Check1* Pain had assumed its own identity, intimate as a lover, rigid, demanding, sharp, and penetrating. I loved this line! Way to contradict pain and the act of something more intimate like coupling. The irony of which is...coupling got her in that way in the first place. In fact, the whole paragraph where this sentence was picked from, does a great job describing the pain and agony the character goes through...if that doesn't deter some folks from wanting to get pregnant, I don't know what will. *lol*
*Check2*Awww, and way to end the story with that. Almost brought a tear to my eye - and somehow makes all the pain and suffering worth while. *Smile*

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>constricted her lungs and literally took her breathe(breath) away.

>>She had been feeling twinges for about a week as her uterus had begunbegan to prepare for its ordeal.
Since 'had been' has already been used in the sentence, you want to be wary of the passive voice within your story. Too much of it weighs down the story and almost sounds redundant in some cases.

>>and she had checked herself into the clinic, along with the pitifully few baby clothes she had been(was) able to accumulate.
Same as above.

>>Another suggestion, try to have the dialogue separated from the main narrative, so it doesn't get so 'lost' - with the use of a single line break that is.

>>As hour after grinding hour of torment went on (,) the personalities of pain and child

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

An enjoyable read all around. Despite the girl's tough upbringing and obstacles she's had to face, she still manages to pull through it to produce something miraculous. Great job capturing those moments and bringing them to life for the reader. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*

Believe in the power of words...
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Dedicated to promoting positivity, encouragement, and support to the WDC community.
#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo Sariah !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Patrick, the Saint Patrick's Day Snake

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good use of the indent tag to separate one paragraph from the other, making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Patrick the Snake, is excited to be a part of the Irish celebration. He'll do anything to be a part of the family and the festivities despite the 'obstacle' that stands in his way.

*Note*Pluses: This actually reads as a fun short children's story, so kudos if that was your attempt when writing this piece. I can see it illustrated quite vividly as you did a great job making Patrick quite likable...for a snake that is. My one teeny beef is that you should have told us a little bit more about why snakes aren't a part of the St. Patrick's day celebrations. Or why the Irish don't exactly welcome them.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>By the time, the family had reached their room
No need for a comma after 'time'

>>One evening, while the family slept, Patrick had escaped from his cage
In the context of the sentence, 'had' is not needed.

>>Searching thoroughly through all the cabinets, he discovered what he had been(was) looking for.
Same reason as above.

>>Shawn's father had learned that snakes were not allowed in the festivities.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, a fun little story and quite an enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*
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Review of My Missing Piece  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hallo micernice !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work My Missing Piece

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Not applicable since poem is only a stanza long.

*Note*Content: The poet seeks to find a missing part of him/herself and tries to explore the reasons why.

*Note*Pluses: I guess the phrase 'missing piece' could always represent something different to any reader. It could be a need to find oneself in the grand scheme of life, or to find a loved one (or one to love)... the possibilities are endless. It's a difficult to know exactly what you're looking for, but methinks that's what you were going for.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Your poem has no rating attached to it, which is probably one of the reasons why not many people have visited it so far.

>>Maybe it's just me, but I think it's best you capitalize your I's within the poem. A first time visitor/reader might look at this piece and assume you're not being serious when such little inconsistencies dot the piece here and there.

>>Although the use of punctuation is not a strict rule in poetry (there are some poems that do quite well without it), in your case, I think you should place periods or commas at the end of some lines, so the flow of the poem goes a bit more smoothly. As it stands, one doesn't really know where to 'pause' and in turn, it creates a sense of disorganization and being rushed through the poem.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a good attempt, but you will need to polish it up a bit more to make it an even better read. I wish you the best of luck with your editing and keep on writing! *Smile*

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello SWPoet and thanks for submitting your entry When Life Gives You Chicken Livers to
FORUM
Project Write World  (13+)
A celebration of writers and their distinct cultures to bring us all together.
#1254279 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is a story that seems to span generations, where lessons are passed down and learned from one adult to their younger ones.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* For a moment I thought the opening paragraph was actually a character speaking, but realized it's the writer directly addressing the reader...nice tactic, but could be a bit confusing at first.
*Check2* Greatgrandma is turning out to be one very colorful and interesting character. I like the little quirks you've given her and her manner of speaking.
*Check3* One of my favorite paragraphs was the one that started with 'So they sit'. The comparison between the two women, despite the generation gap was very well done. *Smile*
*Check4* Many good lessons are learned here, although I did have a hard time trying to figure out where the prompt came in - although I'd guess it's having to enjoy what you do best despite the odds against you, eh?

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>One thing that stood out to me in this story was the switching of tenses. You begin with the present - 'she goes, she says' - and then somewhere in the middle you suddenly begin to use the past tense, creating inconsistency and confusion as to when events are actually taking place. Try to avoid that as much as possible in your stories. For a better idea of what I mean, I'd suggest looking through: "Shifts

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Well darn if your story didn't end up making me hungry and I live in the South, so I'm more than aware of some of the yummy snacks greatgrandma and greatgranddaughter share. Overall, this was a nice story and a pleasure to read. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest. *Smile*

Believe in the power of words...
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Review of Hlalanathi  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Nyoni and thanks for submitting your entry Hlalanathi to
FORUM
Project Write World  (13+)
A celebration of writers and their distinct cultures to bring us all together.
#1254279 by iKïyå§ama-BacktoWonderland!


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good spacing between paragraphs and readers making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: The narrator returns to his childhood hope where memories of the past are evoked more strongly than ever.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check* Excellent opening paragraph. Love the descriptions and set up of the story ahead.
*Check2* Ooh, quite spooky to think that this is actually based off real life events...sort of. *Smile* I could never live in a house with such a history or a ghost (however, benign) roaming around the place. You were defintely able to make such an old and derelict place a sentimental feature in this story. The reader wants to know more about this ghost and the life he's led.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>You did not specify which prompt was being used in the story - and that was a part of the rules - I had to do a guessing game as to what was being 'used' for this piece. Know why? I noticed you also made use of a past image prompt. Quite clever of you to combine the two. *Smile*

>>It had taken time but he had eventually agreed but

>>The old man had had no family and had stayed on in the house,

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an enjoyable story, although I'd be wary of the use of the word 'had'. There's so much of it, it slows down the pace of the story. All in all, a great job. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest. *Smile*

Kiya in Glasses
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Review of Oblivious  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hallo segamysa !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Oblivious

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - At first glance, I assumed this was a prose - not sure if you meant for it to be that way. I'd suggest, however, that you place a single line break between paragraphs and dialogue, so it doesn't look so clustered together. It does make it more presentable to a reader as well (first impressions are everything after all. *Smile*)

*Note*Content: The narrator finds he/herself drifting off into thoughts of a world with no cares or worries when he/she is snatched back to a cruel and dull reality.

*Note*Pluses: Actually, I thought this was pretty funny at the end of it all. *lol* Trust me, many of us can identify with the narrator who tends to drift off to la-la land (happy places!) when the drudge and weariness of our real life jobs weigh us down. You do have a good command of the language and there were a few places where your descriptions were quite vivid and almost poetic, so kudos for that.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>that are being washed away in to (into) the depths of oblivion.

>>Success out of the wash of ideas I mange(manage) to grab a toy red truck.

>>I ponder of(on) the significance of this item.

>>Lots of fragments in this story, which could be effective, but too much of it tends to lose the reader and we struggle to find the pieces that will fit to make this more comprehensible. Don't try to get too 'cutesy' or show off the 'big words' when writing, especially when you're trying to reach an audience that can understand what your character is trying to convey.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, a good attempt with a plot with much potential. Thanks so much for your submission to the contest, good luck and keep on writing! *Smile*

Proud Member/Leader of the Angel Army!
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Review of The Dream  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo Drew92 !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work The Dream

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A specialized surgeon, and top in his field, finds himself dealing with nightmares that threaten his sanity. One such nightmare, ends up costing him dearly.

*Note*Pluses:
*Check* Good opening paragraph - definitely has me eager to read more, that's for sure. However, it felt like there were a lot of words being repeated in every other line - dream, sleep, dream, sleep - unless this is your intention, I'd suggest trying to find other words that can fit in, just so the paragraph doesn't sound so full of redundancy.
*Check2* Wow, talk about a tension filled moment there, especially with the last few paragraphs. I wondered if he'd be able to change fate, but I guess not. So it didn't exactly happen as it had been in his dream, but it happened all the same. How sad. Good job building up to the climatic finish. You defintely have the reader on the edge of their seat with this one, and in a way, one can't help feeling a wee bit sorry for the doctor.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>He had been nervous prior to operations before, especially when he had first become a surgeon
Limit the use of the word 'had' as much as you can - too passive and tends to 'weigh' down a sentence that could otherwise flow easily without it.

>>He had begun to experience(experienced) dreams relating to upcoming operations that
Same reason as above.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, an interesting story that was relatively well-written. Thanks so much for your submission to the contest, good luck and keep on writing. *Smile*

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121
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hallo aralls!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work The Klingman Gang: One Simple Rule

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: The narrator recounts memories of a childhood at his grandparents' house where a certain 'treasure' was able to fuel his mind with imagination beyond his compare. The relationship between grandfather and grandsons, is a rather poignant one in this tale.

*Note*Pluses:
*Check1*Ah, Wonder Years, that used to be one of my favorite shows and your quote was a nice introduction to what seems to be a story about the narrator's past. The first paragrah sets the tone quite well and gives the reader a reason to want to stick around to check out what's in store during this eagerly anticipated visit to see the grandparents.
*Check2*Good job with the descriptions and detail attached to each scene. You manage to paint a vivid picture of the events as they take place, allowing the reader to 'see' every setting and the characters that occupy them.
*Check3*Speaking of characters, I like the nostaglic tone you've maintained for the narrator. It's clear that these are memories to be cherished and you were able to capture that quite well. Papa and Mema (although their roles were 'small') stand out along with 'Tula' in this story. Oddly enough, I'm currently re-reading Stephen King's Christine, so that feeling of 'knowing' a car and allowing it to take you places resonated quite strongly with me while reading this tale.

*Note*Suggestions:

Just one minor punctuation typo noticed:

>>“Yep,” he would say and wink at us, hence making six boys own the world
Missing a period at the end of this sentence.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a very well written and enjoyable story. If this was actually based on true life events, it would be double wonderful *Smile* Thanks for sharing, good luck in the contest and keep on writing!

Kiya in Glasses
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Review of The Tree House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hallo I Crave Open Roads... !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work The Tree House

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: The narrator remembers a childhood memory of a tree house, the lives it affected and the consequences he has to deal with years later as an adult.

*Note*Pluses:
*Check1* Good opening paragraph with just enough to keep the reader interested and eager to read more.
*Check2* Very nice details (not overwhelming the reader) but just enough to fuel the reader's imagination and paint a picture of every scene vividly. Nicely done!
*Check3* Enjoyed the dialogue in this one. Quite realistic for teenagers...or pre-teens rather and it didn't feel forced. It also helped to shape the characters and give the reader a more indepth look into their personalities.
*Check4* Hmmm, now the conclusion makes me wonder if there's supposed to be more, or if it's what I think happened, then I'm not really sure why the narrator is apologizing. All the same, it was quite a 'haunting' ending and does make the reader think.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>If we had of(?) looked in the window we would
Maybe it's just a personal thing, but I've never really understood why 'of' is there. The sentence works just fine without it. *Smile*

>>into the relative warmth of our tree house and retracted the dangling rope ladder (,)
they entered the clearing.

>>Just a heads up that I will change the rating of this story as a few choice curse words were used which would be considered 18+.

>>As they neared closer I noticed that he seamed(seemed) leaner yet somehow

>>We all grabbed towels and dried off before got (we) changed.

>>I really don’t know many people's names except for my family and friends
Missing a period at the end of this sentence.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an enjoyable piece and relatively well written. Just a few things mentioned above to be edited and you're all set for a gem of a tale. Thanks for sharing, good luck in the contest and keep on writing. *Smile*

Kiya in Glasses
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Review of Blink  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hallo Amaranth !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Blink

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Format of poem fits the flow of situation presented.

*Note*Content: The drastic changes in the life of a woman who seemed to have it all.

*Note*Pluses + Talk about a dark and dreary piece. The first stanza seemed so promising and almost cliched with the way her life was presented, but the third, definitely put a twist, so dark and gruesome to her life story, you almost feel sorry for her. Your descriptions were very well done, the imagery quite vivid and clear as we read. Even though the poem looks like a free verse, the flow was quite good and there was a set rhyming scheme (that I won't even bother trying to decipher at this time).

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a very well written piece and I think you ought to check out a fellow author who I feel might share a kinship for this kind of writing. staiNe is her name. Look up her port sometime or email and say hi. I have no doubt she'll love this poem.

Keep up the good work and keep on writing. *Smile*

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124
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo Ben- loves someone !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Restaurant Experience

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good use of the indent tag to separate main paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A man recounts his experience at a local restaurant - the results of which are quite favorable.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* Good opening paragraph. You definitely have the reader eager to know more about the character, but more importantly this restaurant.
*Check2* Okay, your summary asked 'does this make you hungry' and I have to say 'yes!'. Your descriptions are very well done. Black pepper as dark confetti falling like ash on mountains of white mashed potatoes? All right, I'm booking a spot at IHOP first thing tomorrow morning. *Smile*

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>As he sat himself into his battered white Honda, the dinner's flavors still lingering(lingered) on his tongue like a sweet memory.

>>He had ordered the 16 oz. Steak(steak) dinner complimented

>>Towering next to the main mean(meal) was a

>>Next (to) his plate sat his second side;

>>it would of(have) cried "murder!"

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, you did a great job with this short piece. If your assignment was to focus on description and attention to detail, then you get top marks. You just have to take the extra second or two to go through your work and catch those pesky little typos noticed above and you've got a gem of a tale.

Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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125
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hallo Carol St.Ann !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work The Accidental Coach

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format - Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A brief article about the writer's experiences as a writer on WDC and lessons learned so far.

*Note*Pluses + Permission to say 'yay!' for you. As I read this, I couldn't help smiling as your experiences can pretty much mirror so many others (including yours truly) over the years. There are indeed those who might 'burn' you with their harsh criticism, the question comes in how you're able to deal with it. Are you willing to let it crush or defeat you, or can you sit up, suck it in, hold your head high and carry on - with the vow that you'll be better (and in turn 'show' that person that you won't be beaten). I'm glad you made the latter decision and look at where you are today. This is definitely a piece that newbies (or even oldies) can read for inspiration.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*

Gift Signature from TheAntiBarbie!! :)
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