*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/satet/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
Review Requests: ON
2,122 Public Reviews Given
4,285 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 2 3 4 5 -6- 7 8 9 10 11 ... Next
126
126
Review of Winged friends  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hallo Mina~ !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Winged friends"  on behalf of "House Targaryen Points"  for "Game of Thrones" 

*Dragon2*Content:

Watching the antics of two caged birds teaches the narrator a new lesson about life in a most unexpected way.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

What a fascinating and, somewhat, sad story. The quote at the end of it is also something that's prone to have the reader thinking. One is always encouraged to spread their wings and fly - to push themselves beyond their limits - to achieve their dreams. However, this story seems to paint the opposite picture. One can come away assuming that, sometimes, it's not always a good idea to go flying off into the unknown. Happiness can be found even in the most familiar of places.

It was a touching story, where the reader gets to fall in love with this creatures and feel for the one who survived. We almost feel like cheering and rooting for her to take flight despite her sadness, but when we learn of the real reason for her decision not to take the bait, it leaves one with feelings of empathy.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>trying to open the cage and manage(d) to break free.

>>Despite peep(ing) her head out, the bird remained

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Overall, this was a delightful read! Thanks so very much for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*

Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
127
127
Review of Miguel's Duty  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

Hallo Christopher Roy Denton !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Miguel's Duty"  on behalf of "House Targaryen Points"  for "Game of Thrones" 

*Dragon2*Content:

Miguel's job is to protect the President of the United States - no matter who he (or she) is. However, despite his personal reservations, a sudden dire situation forces him to come to terms with his decision. It's a fine line between Duty and Death.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

>>....did a certain Orange President inspire this particular president in your story? I had to cackle at the third paragraph of your story. *Rolling* Who said he wasn't an inspiration?

(reads on...)

...well I was right! *Laugh*

That craziness aside, Miguel's situation was quite tense and suspenseful. You write really great action scenes/sequences, and your ability to make the reader see everything taking place is very well done.

Not much in the way of dialogue, but what little there was helped to move the action/plot along. Besides, focusing on Miguel's inner thoughts makes him come across as more human.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>then scanned the moonlit, city street for danger.
you don't need the comma there

>>An owl hooted, and crickets chirped in the bushes.
don't need the comma there either

>>It was an average summer day's night in the nation's capital.
Is it day or night? It's fine to just use "It was an average summer night" - the reader still gets the idea of it being a 'warm' night.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Overall, this was a great read! Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*


Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
128
128
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hallo Zen !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "An Omnibus Adventure"  on behalf of "House Targaryen Points"  for "Game of Thrones" 

*Dragon2*Content:

A bus ride is suddenly interrupted by an unexpected and most unwelcome visitor. However, the least likeliest of heroes ends up saving the day!

*Dragon2*Pluses:

I did have to laugh at the scenario in the last few paragraphs. That was a great way of resolving a tense situation. *Laugh* Oh and the section about the tweets. Oy! *Facepalm* That's social media and its craze for ya.

For a short story like this; the scenes/plot moved quite well. The dialogue - except for a little hiccup I point out below - was good and helped to establish the characters.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>“Police,” I said by way of explanation and introduction. “You can tell him
Okay, this section was a little confusing, and I had to read it a couple of times to figure out who was speaking to who and who was being referred to. As it stands, one would assume that the narrator was an actual police (or not?? *Confused*), and that he was addressing the boy instead of the woman. There's no actual indication of that.
Suggestion: "Police," I said by way of explanation and introduction to Little Miss Red Sweater/the girl/the young woman...

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Overall, this was a good read! Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
129
129
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Hallo Angus !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "The Black Cape And Top Hat"  on behalf of "House Targaryen Points"  for "Game of Thrones" 

*Dragon2*Content:

Ben Nelson is confronted with a childhood memory that continues to haunt him to this day. Little does he know he's in for the most shocking surprise of his life.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

Brrrrr! You could give Stephen King a run for his money when it comes to describing the gory stuff, Mister. *Shock2* Way to paint the details; giving us a most visceral reaction to a gruesome scene.

The plot seems straight forward enough, but you inject just enough tension and suspense to leave the reader wondering just what's going to happen next. Even though things might seem 'okay', there is more that meets the eye.

The dialogue aids with the above point; where through the conversation between Ben and his wife, we are able to discern their personalities and learn more of the reasons behind his fears/concerns.

The last paragraphs/scene were well done (though slightly 'abrupt' - or maybe it was just me wanting to read more *Laugh*) - but the shock and surprise factor is still there, and one ends up feeling sorry for his poor wife at what she encounters.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

I could find no errors!

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Overall, a great read! Thanks so very much for sharing and keep on writing! *Bigsmile*

Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
130
130
Review of Unlucky Seven  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Hallo Fictiøn Ðiva the Wørd Weava !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Unlucky Seven"  on behalf of "House Targaryen Points"  for "Game of Thrones" 

*Dragon2*Content:

Harold appears to be living the life. He's got a great gal money can buy, and all seems right with the world. However, he is confronted with a dark past he thought he was finally rid of. The final consequences are quite devastating.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* Oooh...it's been a while since I read a story that gripped me from beginning to end (and not even my editing eye squinted in an effort to find a typo or two! *Laugh*). This was a riveting plot, and for a short story, you pulled it off quite well.

The characters were vivid; enhanced with appropriate dialogue that did not feel forced. The result? A set of characters who leap off the screen and grab the reader's attention.

The plot itself might seem 'cliche', but you were able to keep the pace refreshing and suspenseful enough to have the reader wanting to know more. The finale was quite satisfying, I have to say. Someone got his just desserts! *Bigsmile*

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

Nothing really stood out; just one or two punctuation errors that can be fixed with another look-see, but otherwise...a-okay!

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


Thanks for sharing this excellent piece with us! Keep on writing! *Bigsmile*


Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
131
131
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hallo Luna Huggins !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "A night at Bidi's "  on behalf of "House Targaryen Points"  for "Game of Thrones" 

*Dragon2*Content:
Leroy knows his neighbor, Bidi, just a little too well. However, when something strange is noticed at his 'crazy' neighbor's home, his curiosity gets the better of him.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* Great build up with the suspense! You were definitely able to capture that feeling of the unknown especially through a child's perspective.

*Bullet* I thought you did a good job with the description/scenes set-up. We're able to get a good idea of the situation, and the ending was quite chilling.

*Bullet* The dialogue between the two friends flowed well and was believable. It was able to give the reader a clear idea of each character's personality.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>It now had been two days since the crying had started.
It's been two days since the crying started.

>>with her long moomoo’s (muumuus) she wears all the time.

>>She lived next door since two months before I was born, about sixteen years ago.
She moved in, next door, two months before I was born. This was about sixteen years ago.

>>I saw the curtain move, and that (the) cats were now gone.

>>No answer, she usually yells back “I’m coming, Leroy boy, I’m coming.”
This needs to be two sentences:
No answer. She usually yells back, "I'm coming...

>>From behind me I hear someone walk up, (and) as I turn around something hits me on the side of my face.

>>“Whatcha doin’ (,)Leroy?”

>>mother will do when she hears it.” I said
Change the period to a comma

>>Let’s go to the back door, she sometimes sits her table and reads her books.
Change the comma to a period.
Let's go to the back door. She sometimes sits at her table....

>>As we walked around the house (,) I noticed that the cries where only coming from

>>“Ouch” Bugs yells behind me.
Place a comma after 'ouch' before the dialogue tag
"Ouch," Bugs yells...

>>She never let me put it back on its hinges (.) she said it would stop her cats from getting out if something ever happened.

>>As I reached up to knock on the door (,) I noticed the door was ajar.
>>As I walked to the back door (,) I noticed that Bidi’s screen door had fallen off once again.

>>I locked the door behind Bugs, I waited to hear who ever to banging on the door
Change the comma to a period, and 'who ever' should be one word.

>>They act like they haven’t ate (eaten) in two days.

>>The furniture is all torn up and there was (there's) cat feces everywhere.
Change of tense - which you do quite a bit in this story. If you're keeping the story in the present tense, try to maintain that tone throughout instead of switching back and forth so often.

>>“What” my mom turns around in surprise as we run up to her.
Question mark after 'what'

>>“George is in Bid’s (Bidi's) house.”

>>“Okay, let’s go call the cops (and) they will come check the house. I’m sure you guys just saw an old picture of George and go(got) scared.”

>>“See, boys now go do your homework.” My mom said as she walked back into the house.
"See, boys? Now go do your homework," my mom said as she walked back into the house.


*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


This has the potential to be an even better story if it's cleaned up and formatted a little better. If you're unsure of how to edit/format your stories, let me know and I'll be glad to assist through that process. Thanks for sharing your story with us, and keep on writing! *Smile*


Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
132
132
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hallo Muscle_Grow !*Smile*
I will be reviewing your work "Crash Bandicoot Muscle Growth"  on behalf of "House Targaryen Points"  for "Game of Thrones" 

*Dragon2*Content:
Based off a video game - I believe - Crash Bandicoot comes across a most magical object which grants his deepest wish/desire.

*Dragon2*Pluses:

*Bullet* I am not a video-game aficionado, though I have seen this particular character once or twice in passing. I'm sure for those who read this story and are familiar with him, they might find it amusing. You are able to draw on that feeling of whimsy and playfulness with the setting of your story.

*Dragon2*Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>The format of your story can throw off the reader as everything - narrative + dialogue - is combined into one block of text. If you're unfamiliar with editing a story, just let me know and I'll be glad to guide you step-by-step. *Smile*

>>trying to get his mind off of Cortex

>>he looked around for anyone, or anything that could have hit him on the head, and to no luck, found anything.
Hmm...this was a little confusing to read. How about we go with:
He looked around for anyone or anything that could have hit him on the head to no avail.
Or something along those lines.

>>"Oh, what's this here thing?" Crash said, examining the ring that had just fallen from the tree and hit him on the head.
Crash is asking a question, so 'said' should be changed to 'asked'. You've also told the reader that the ring fell from the tree in the line above this. You do not need to repeat it again.
"Oh, what's this here thing?" Crash asked as he examined the ring.
Short and sweet is never a bad thing! *Smile*

>>"Wonder if it fits?" Crash said
Try other variables of speech. In this case, you could go with:
"Wonder if its fits," Crash mused/thought/pondered
Mixing things up prevents monotony

>>as his think(thin?) toes ripped through his socks.

>>Crash then started to feel his shoes start to get tighter, as his feet were getting to big for his red sneakers.
Rewrite suggestion: Crash felt his shoes getting tighter as his feet were becoming too big for his red sneakers.

*Dragon**Bullet**Dragon**Bullet**Dragon*


A nice read, but one that could be polished and made even better with some editing. Thanks for sharing your story with us, and keep on writing! *Smile*


Fire and Blood - the Throne is Ours!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
133
133
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

The justification for violence or committing such atrocities - on both sides - really does test the limit of one's rational thinking.

Why do these things happen?

I could write an essay on the subject, but this story of yours hits the nail on the mentality most people have regarding different religious sects around the world (mostly Islam).

Jim is no saint either; for despite his 'heroics', the hurt from losing this family to a terrorist acts makes him feel he has the right to call them names (ragheads) or describe them as 'The Arabs' or bemoan the fact that his community now seems to be overrun with the dark-skinned people.

They are always the ones responsible for all the bad things that happen, but when you're faced with the harsh reality that violence/hatred does not focus on any one group - as in Jim's realization of who the final masked gunman is - one is faced to do some inner thinking.

Unfortunately, that is something that might never happen in my lifetime. As long as human beings continue to co-exist, we'll keep having our differences and refusing to understand the other side all because of a few bad seeds.

Thanks for sharing this story. I hope those who decide to read it allow its theme to sink in.

My one hope is that Jim did not actually have to commit murder; maybe injuring her to make a point. At least that might have been the route I'd have taken. *Think* Still, a very shocking ending to drive the message home. Well done!




Angel Army Signature
Logo for Senior Moderators - small
134
134
Review of "21"  
for entry "Rolling In The Deep" 
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Cheri Annemos

Thank you for for entering "Musicology Anthology"  [13+] It is my honor to review your offering ""21""  [18+] today. Please keep in mind that any suggestions I make here are just that: suggestions. Pick and choose which ones you like or discard them in their entirety. You and only you can decide what's right for your work. Every writer has an individual style--a unique voice to share with the world, and originality is not only welcome but encouraged.

Per instructions, each story can receive up to 100 points. While entries will be judged on creativity, plot, spelling/grammar, and characterization, I believe your ability to abide by the contest's rules is as important as the story itself.

Here is my scoring system: if your story hits the bullseye for any given category, then you will receive ALL of the allotted points for that category. If you miss the mark, you will receive NO points for that category.

The categories are: ▼
*Reading* Overall Impression:

Due to the sheer volume of entries received I am unable to provide you with a detailed review of your work, but I can give you my overall impression.

*Calculator* Your Scores: ▼

>> Well, you'd think good ol' Sarah would have learned a lesson with her track record for breaking up with boyfriends...but I guess not! *Laugh*

>>Seriously, "21" has been called by most people "the break-up album", and you can tell why. Most - if not all - of the stories seem to have the recurring theme of relationships going awry, heartbreak, and the loss of what might have been true love. The difficulty - when it comes to using an album like this - is trying to write stories that don't all seem alike. Unfortunately, most of yours come across in that fashion. It's where creativity could have come in a bit; while not flip a seemingly sad song into something a little more positive? They don't always have to end up being sob stories about terrible relationships. Most women (or men) can find strength in starting anew.

>>However, there was a story - "He Won't Go" - that was quite touching, though a little more details to flesh it would have made it more poignant. Still doesn't deter from the sad plot. So kudos for that.

Overall, good job with the your album/song choices! Thanks for participating in the contest. I wish you the best of luck, and keep on writing! *Quill*

Judge's badge for Musicology Anthology

*I referred to "Comment-In-A-Box"  [E] when rating this item.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
135
135
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Jen~ !

Thanks so very much for your entry to "Letters of Life, Love & Hope" ! *Smile*

If Cancer could read this now, it would be shaking in its boots! (or whatever it is Cancer tends to wear).

I enjoyed the anger unleashed in this because it definitely is the way most people feel once they hear the news. Why? Why me? Why now? How? How did this happen? WHY did this have to happen to me? All those questions race through your mind and you want to hit something in retaliation.

And yet there's the defiance in your tone; that despite it all, the fight for a cure continues and one day (we all cross our fingers!), there will definitely be a definitive cure for this disease. In the meantime, we will continue to do all we can to remain as positive as possible and to show that it cannot defeat us that easily.

Kiya's Infamous Nitpicks ▼

Overall, a potent piece that's captured the emotions of what most breast cancer patients (and survivors) experience. Thanks again for sharing! It was an inspirational read. *Heart*


Angel Army Signature
Logo for Senior Moderators - small


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
136
136
Review of Summertime heat  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hallo Quick-Quill !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work "Summertime heat" 

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format -
Good formatting and easy to read.

*Note*Content:
A child's curiosity about frying an egg on a sidewalk comes to fruition.

*Note*Pluses:

*Checkg* Your title is kinda misleading. Why? Because folks can STILL fry eggs on the sidewalk these days. Have you been down South lately? *Shock**Laugh*

*Checkg* I enjoyed the tone of this story. The dialogue was excellent, and though no full descriptions were given of each character, one is still able to picture what they look like. You kept the dialect/accents with your writing, and the children actually sounded and behaved like children.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Paste* Mostly punctuation errors were noted, so I'll just post them all here so you see what I'm talking about:

>>"I’ll be. I didn’t believe it.” Ma whispered.
>>“The man said it was gonna to be hot today.” I chimed in.
>>“Thank you Ma’am.” Ben piped up.
>>“Did not.” Greg whispered.
>>“Did so.” Both Ben and I said at the same time.

All the periods before the ending quotation marks should be changed to commas. See "A Guide to Punctuation"  for guidelines.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, an enjoyable story with a tinge of nostalgia. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*


Believe in the power of words...
Logo for Senior Moderators - small


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
137
137
Review of Never Tell a Lie  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo Angels in my Ear !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work "Never Tell a Lie" 

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format -
Well formatted and easy to read

*Note*Content:
A girl has to deal with her mean older brother's torment.

*Note*Pluses:

*Bullet* Short and sweet, the simplicity of the story makes it enjoyable for a child to read. Though the subject matter is probably one that many can relate to. Urgh. Don't you just hate snotty older brothers?

*Bullet* The dialogue is what carries this mostly, and like I mentioned above, you've done well keeping the tone and mannerisms of children quite well. It doesn't feel forced or contrived.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Cut* wished that she and(had) been born an only child.

*Cut* “You can’t .It’s not fair, Bobby”
Move the period closer to the word 'can't' and then add a period to the end of the sentence (after Bobby, that is)

Were you under word limit for this? Would have been nice to know what Mary would have done afterwards...at least besides finding a better hiding place for the doll? Curious minds want to know!

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, a nice story that begs for more to be written. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Quill*


Kiya in Glasses
Logo for Senior Moderators - small


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
138
138
Review of F-A-I-L-U-R-E  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hallo Professor Q !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work "F-A-I-L-U-R-E"  on behalf of "Invalid Item" 

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format -
Well formatted and easy to read.

*Note*Content:
The pressures felt by the protagonist during a competition and the unexpected(?) result.

*Note*Pluses +
*Checkg* Is it bad to say that I felt the tension of this young girl while reading this? It literally felt like I was the one on stage! Which is a strong testament to your ability to show the reader the actions of your character, rather than simply stating it.

*Checkg* There wasn't much with dialogue and yet we were in conversation with the character - if that makes any sense. We spelled along with her, and winced as we got the final result. Gosh, don't we all know how that feels??

*Checkg* Great flow of the story. Economic use of words with great impact.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

No suggestions as everything read quite smoothly.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

It's hard to write a short story and still leave the reader enthralled enough with the actions taking place. You've done an excellent job with that task, so kudos. Thanks for sharing your talent with us and keep on writing! *Quill*


Kiya in Glasses
GROUP
The WDC Angel Army  (ASR)
Dedicated to promoting positivity, encouragement, and support to the WDC community.
#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

Logo for Senior Moderators - small


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
139
139
Review of Bella  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hallo TJ Marie !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work "Bella" 

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format -
Good spacing between paragraphs making it easy to read at first glance.

*Note*Content:
A fun little story about a dog's day out as seen through its eyes.

*Note*Pluses +
Considering I have a dog, this was a treat (no pun intended) to read. It's like you could read her mind! Freaky! So that's what she intends to do whenever she drags me around the neighborhood chasing after any little thing that moves. Interesting. The little tricks section was also wonderful. You simply can't help smiling at how astute the animal is, and the last line about humans deserving a treat as well is so true! Goodness knows my doggy owes me a lot for all I put up with. *Cry*

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>I hear the nice two legged calling me again.
Here's me being too nit picky, but dash-gone-it, how about putting a hyphen between 'two' and 'legged' and seeing how that looks, eh? *Smile*
I hear the nice two-legged calling me again.

>> I do not understand the purpose of why the two legged's think this is necessary.
I had to read this a few times as the sentence seemed a little 'off'. What about...?
I do not understand why two-leggeds think this is necessary. (that apostrophe in your original sentence...*insert rubbing chin icon here*)
OR
I do not understand why the two-legged thinks this is necessary.

>>Come here (,) Bella.
Comma placed after or before the name of someone being addressed.

>>The one he calls Racheal is taking me,*Cut* this is going to be fun.
Could also work as two different sentences.

>>It has been a while (,) and I am hungry for the chase.

>>"Give me back my sandwich (,) you lousy mutt," the two legged
>> "Bella (,) that wasn't very nice."

>>Racheal looks at Bella and says, "We are almost
Ooops? Since we are seeing things from the dog's POV, shouldn't it be 'Racheal looks at me and says,' - be wary of switching POVs in the middle of your story.

>>Yes I love treats from here. Balls of goodness.
I'm assuming Bella would be excited with all of this, so your sentences should convey that, shouldn't they? Exclamation marks could work well here.
Yes! I love treats from here. Balls of goodness!
The reader can definitely feel Bella's happiness at being in her favorite place. *Smile*

>>Looking through (the) hole in the wall I can see

>>"Bella give me your paw."
>>I am very familiar with this ritual (,) and it is done a couple of ways before I get my treat.
>>This last trick has always seemed odd to me (,) and I only do it for the treat.
>>"Come on (,) Bella. Let's go home."

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, a lovely short story bound to bring a smile to anyone's face (not only dog lovers/owners). Just a little polishing here and there, and you're all set. Also to learn more about my punctuation nit picks, feel free to check out "A Guide to Punctuation"  for a much better explanation.

Thanks for sharing your work with us, and keep on writing! *Smile*


Kiya in Glasses
GROUP
The WDC Angel Army  (ASR)
Dedicated to promoting positivity, encouragement, and support to the WDC community.
#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

Logo for Senior Moderators - small


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
140
140
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)

*LeafG**LeafG**LeafG* Celebrate the Earth *LeafG**LeafG**LeafG*



Hello again, 🌕 HuntersMoon and thanks for your entry to "The Earth Day Challenge" ! *Smile*

Huh? Is this supposed to be fiction? Because I'm sure there's a place in the United States where it's still snowing despite it being Spring.
[and no, I don't mean Alaska either] Or wasn't it The StoryMaster who posted a picture of snow falling in good ol' Philly just a week or so ago?

Makes you think, doesn't it? And I hope to goodness your story's solution to global warming isn't actually happening right now. Or is there something you're not telling us, Ken? *Laugh*

Jokes aside, this is a rather sad story when one thinks about it. It also leaves you wondering if there'll eventually come a time when our weather system is so messed up, what we now take for granted (Summer, Spring and even Fall) becomes a thing of the past. I sincerely hope our future generations do not end up having to be like Oliver - left to simply imagine what a green and colorful world was once like.

My only critique would be in the very first line:

*Cut*>>"Maaaa-om" The youthful voice
*Paste*There should be a period before the closing dialogue mark. As it reads now, it's a rather 'awkward' beginning.

Other than that, a very interesting read. Thanks for sharing your entry, and I wish you the best of luck.

Write on! *Quill*


Everyday is Earth Day!
141
141
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)

*LeafG**LeafG**LeafG* Celebrate the Earth *LeafG**LeafG**LeafG*



Hello Future Mrs. B and thanks for your entry to "The Earth Day Challenge" ! *Smile*

Okay, first off - you had me running around the internet to find out what a rondeau was! *Laugh* It wouldn't hurt to write a note about the poetry form at the end of your piece (after the winners are announced!), that way those who aren't familiar with the form get an idea of what it's all about.

That aside, you did manage to follow the 'rules' quite well, and created a piece that speaks of different ways we can all make a difference in a decaying world. It's not up to 'others' to make a change, but to each and every individual making a conscious decision to change their lifestyle for the positive.

There's still a long way to go, but one can only hope.

Thanks for sharing your entry, and I wish you the best of luck.

Write on! *Quill*


Everyday is Earth Day!
142
142
Review of Cleansing Tears  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)

*LeafG**LeafG**LeafG* Celebrate the Earth *LeafG**LeafG**LeafG*



Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon and thanks for your entry to "The Earth Day Challenge" ! *Smile*

First off, good cover/image choice for this.

That alone should give the reader a good idea of what to expect with your poem and adds to a piece that tugs at the heartstrings.

The imagery of Mother Earth crying and struggling to keep up with the mess we have made (and continue to make), is definite food for thought. Many are indeed blase or assume that the changes will come 'from someone else', when all it takes is for each and every single person to take a moment to find something that can indeed make a difference.

In addendum, thanks for explaining this type of poem. I still consider myself a 'novice' at all the terms and rules in poetry, and it's always wonderful to stumble across new forms and their meanings. I think you pulled it off well, so kudos.

Thanks for sharing your entry, and I wish you the best of luck.

Write on! *Quill*


Everyday is Earth Day!
143
143
Review of Earth's Poem  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

*LeafG**LeafG**LeafG* Celebrate the Earth *LeafG**LeafG**LeafG*



Hello ⭐️Jellyfish⭐️ and thanks for your entry to "The Earth Day Challenge" ! *Smile*

If the Earth could speak, what would she say?

I think your poem definitely captures her plaintive voice with vivid descriptions of how much is contributed by every other habitat besides a majority of the human race.

[Methinks we'd be graded a big fat 'F' if Mother Earth was a teacher]

I enjoyed the flow of this and your ability to keep the poem in rhyme. The last stanza is especially haunting, or perhaps a slap to the face for us to wake up and to realize just how far gone we are now.

Thanks for sharing your poem and the best of luck.

Write on! *Quill*


Everyday is Earth Day!
144
144
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)

*LeafG**LeafG**LeafG* Celebrate the Earth *LeafG**LeafG**LeafG*


Hello Lula-Lady of the angels and thanks for your entry to "The Earth Day Challenge"  *Smile*

A poem about the unfortunate changes a child sees to a place she could once consider paradise. And to see her mother being a part of it no less.

It is indeed a common and rather sad state of affairs when it comes to the environment, and in straightforward terms, you state that in this piece.

The last line "To find they never knew about the trees that she hid in her bedroom" is a nice way to say that despite the cold reality outside, she's still able to remember the beauty of Nature as it's meant to be. *Smile*

Since I wouldn't consider myself an expert at poetry and its rules, my only critique would be to perhaps work on the punctuation/pacing of this. It actually sort of reads more as a prose than a poem, since there's really no set rhyme or rhythm.

Thanks again for sharing your entry, and the best of luck.

Write on! *Quill*


Everyday is Earth Day!
145
145
Review of Invisible Strings  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Prosperous Snow celebrating and thanks for submitting your entry to
FORUM
Project Write World  (13+)
A celebration of writers and their distinct cultures to bring us all together.
#1254279 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


Overall Impression:

*Note*Content:
A wife, who once felt her life was being controlled by the man she loves, finds herself making a sudden decision that could change the course of her future.

*Note*Pluses +
- we get a sneak peek into Elsa's thought processes and what her marriage and life has been like.
- we see a woman determined to make a change (damn the consequences?) for the better or worse.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> You failed to follow the contest rules where it was specified that you must state whether the prompt or the image was used. Since I already knew what the quotation prompt was, I could see where it was vaguely used in the first paragraph, but for an 'outsider' who decides to read this, he or she will fail to understand what prompted this piece. Where were you drawing your inspiration from?

>> The 'dream' sequence at the beginning of the story should have some kind of significance, as I'm sure it relates to her final decision at the end of the story. However, I wish you would have expanded more on it. You had at least 3,000 words to work with, and this piece had so much more potential to make Elsa more relateable.

>> There seems to be a conflict about George. Is he a good person or a bad person? In one breath, he seems like an abusive husband, in the next it doesn't appear that way. Again, this is a section of the story that could have used some kind of expansion, allowing the reader to get a better understanding of their marriage and why Elsa took that final step.

>>"No!" She said aloud, setting sitting straight up in bed.

>>A tear rolled down her cheek, as she watch(ed) the lights.

>>Elsa sit sat up in bed and check(ed) the clock,

Please remember not to edit anything until winners have been announced!

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, I felt this was a story that needed to be 'told'. You've set it up nicely, but it leaves the reading seeking more or at least some kind of resolution to Elsa's choice. I hope when the scores are in, and you're free to edit, you reconsider doing so. *Smile*

My sincere thanks for your entry to the contest, and I wish you the best of luck!


Kiya in Glasses
Logo for Senior Moderators - small
146
146
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Jaya,

And thank you for your participation in "The Earth Day Challenge" 

There are pieces you read and you just have to sit back, digest and let its words flow through you, and I have to admit this poem did that for me.

Such powerful pictures you paint with your words and it puts things into perspective for us as humans. The 'destruction' we have caused over the years slowly and continously erodes all that was once beautiful and pure. Now, it's a rarity to find a really good place you can consider a haven; a remnant of Nature's true colors in today's society of towering cold constructions.

So it is all up to us to find our little places of refuge, or to try to preserve the few left. Thanks for showing us the reason why with your poem. It was a pleasure to read.

Everyday is Earth Day!
147
147
Review of The Bequest  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Ken,

And thank you for your participation in "The Earth Day Challenge" 

Not sure why reading this brought a big ol' lump to my throat, but it did.

There's something so simple yet 'powerful' about the act of planting a tree and leaving such a poignant message for future
generations.

If only such a message could be translated on a much louder wavelength to everyone across the world. Sad how so much destruction occurs each day, and we fail to see how something as 'easy' as planting a tree or maintaining what we do have, can make such a difference.

The imagery is excellent, and I just don't mean the use of the picture at the beginning of your poem. It's in the way 'grandpa' toils over his task with a resolution and determination that is admirable; and his statement at the end...a very nice way to round it all up.

Thanks again for your submission to the contest. This was a pleasure to read.

Everyday is Earth Day!
148
148
Review of An Angelic Visit  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello christine31 and thanks for your entry to "a very Wodehouse challenge" . *Smile*

Well, I was definitely not expecting the sudden turn of events at the end there, so that was a nice albeit shocking surprise.

The story is a good one, in that it deals with the relationship between a daughter and her dying father, and all the emotions that are experienced. The most poignant of all, being the realization that a life was spared thanks to the presence of an "angel".

Unfortunately, I will have to admit that the emotions I had hoped to feel at the loss was not really felt. You simply told us what happened and did not show the depth of the characters or the situations. They felt too flat and one-dimensional, and it felt like I was reading through a scripted play instead getting to know the characters as much as I could have.

Your character was shocked at the news she received...so what about her reactions? If I received a phone call like that, I'd be out of my mind with worry. Imagine yourself in your character's shoes. Would you sound calm? Would your heart start racing? Would your stutter in panic? Would you be unable to concentrate? In the presence of her father...yes, she cried, but the scene did not carry the weight of the situation. You should make the reader want to cry along with her; to feel the depth of her anguish instead of the mechanical role she has to play.

A few other things I noticed are pointed out below:


>>“He’s in room 215. She will assist you,” and pointed to a nurse standing by a huge door.
Who pointed to the nurse? I know it's obvious that it's the receptionist, however, it doesn't hurt to add the pronoun after the dialogue tags: "He's in room 215. She will assist you," he/she said, and pointed to a nurse standing by a huge door." See what I mean?

>>“Hi dad,”
When the word 'dad' is used as a title (or as a replacement for a name), it should be capitalized. It is not capitalized when it's preceded by a possessive noun like say: my dad, our mom, their grandpa.

>>My dad was the strong *Thumbsup* [Exactly what I said above! *Smile*]

>>When I opened my apartment door...
The paragraph that begins with this phrase was a little confusing. The character arrives home to the answering machine blinking, and it's clear she's listening to a recording...how then does she launch into a conversation with a recording? You make no transition from listening to the messages to having an actual live conversation with a person. Try to make that distinction.

>>“I’ll find a place to arrange the funeral this morning,” I thought while showering.
Is your character thinking out loud? If not, you do not need the dialogue tags around her thoughts. I'll find a place to arrange the funeral this morning, I thought while showering. OR "I'll find a place to arrange the funeral this morning," I thought out loud while showering.

>>I turned on my right turn signal (,) but it was too late.

>>The car ended up hitting the concrete guardrail (,) and I hit my head very hard

>>“Dad was there, in the care(car) with me.”

Last but not least, the theme of the contest was to focus on what the year 2012 would bring, and there was really nothing in your story related to that. *Frown* All the same, it was a good effort, and I hope you are not discouraged by my suggestions and thoughts above. Just remember that this is your story, so take any editing tips given as a way to help you improve.

Thanks again for your entry to the contest and the best of luck with your writing. *Smile*
149
149
Review of How Life Works  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Mizu-chan and welcome to WDC!

This is quite an interesting topic you've decided to tackle especially when it's a subject that many of us question on a daily basis.

It's a good introspective piece on your thoughts about life and death, and you do make one or two good points.

However, there were several things noticed while reading your story that you could work on when you get a chance to edit. Remember these are just my opinions and you're welcome to take 'em or leave 'em:

>>Life has it's own cycle, We are born, then grows up, When we are too old already we "Die". It is something unstopable, we are not Edward Cullen (Main protoganist in Stephenie Meyer's Twilight novels) a vampire that could stay forever the way he is today.
I pick out this entire section because you (in addition to having some spelling errors) make use of comma instead of the period where appropriate. This is the opening paragraph to your article and it should be something that should grab the reader's attention and make them want to continue reading. Try to tighten up this section like so:

Life has its own cycle. We are born, and then we grow up. When we are too old, we "die". It is something unstoppable. We are not Edward Cullen (main protagonist in Stephenie Meyer's Twilight novels) a vampire that could live forever.

Keep it short, sweet but with enough of a 'punch' to keep the reader glued to your work and eager to know more.

>>When I was really young (,) I mean really young, I always

>>When I think about it I just can't keep settled down.
When I think about it, I just can't settle down.

>>I never wanted to talk about, even a thought of it gives me a shiver to the tip of my toe to the top of my head.
I never wanted to talk about it. Even the thought of it makes me shiver from the tip of my toes to the top of my head.

>>But someone spoke about (it) with me when I was

>>tell that you have lived unless you had die." (die)

>>I was shock(ed) and stared at the girl who

>>about it, One day you'll
Change comma to a period.

>>Then I asked her how does she knows things like these then she replied
Then I asked her how she knows about things like these to which she replied.

>>"I've been there, I know the feeling of being afraid to die but I came to think about it, why should I be afraid of it, It is something natural even if you like it
"I've been there. I know the feeling of being afraid to die, but I came to think about it. Why should I be afraid of it? It is something natural even if you like it..."

>>She opened my eyes in (to) the truth of the world.

>>Life and death are two things that starts our life

>>We fear death because it can took (take) anything and everything awat (away) from us.

As you can see, you have quite some work left to do, but do not be discouraged by this or the rating you've received. It should only be an incentive for you to become a much better writer. You definitely have a lot to tell, and it will be a pleasure watching you grow into your craft.

Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*


Proud Member/Leader of the Angel Army!
Logo for Senior Moderators - small
150
150
Review of Avenue  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Moony - The Writer ,

You paint a good picture of what a typical avenue looks like.

I particularly liked the way you compared the trees to humans or the way you gave them human qualities.

>>standing like the soldiers
>>with green-capes on their heads

>>like the giants looking
>>at me near their feet

It does make you wonder if they truly do look at us as Man would regard an ant; insignificant and not much worth, eh?

There's also a lonesome quality about the poem that really catches your attention - at least the way you ended it. It's like walking off to the great unknown and not knowing what awaits.

If there's anything to criticize, it's that the poem did not really flow as well as I felt it could have. I couldn't give you the specifics or mechanics of it, but simply tell my gut feelings as I read. But all the same, it was an enjoyable read and a good effort.

Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*


Believe in the power of words...
Logo for Senior Moderators - small
701 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 29 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/satet/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6