|Title: Sarah goes to school.
Chapter: Short story
Author: Prof Moriarty
Plot: The story revolves around a young girl worried about her family and schoolwork. The little girl is worried because she didn’t finish her school work. The reader is left wondering what will happen throughout the story. It was great to have the answer to that question at the end of the story.
Style and Voice: This was consistent through out. The characters stayed true the personalities projected.
Referencing: This story appeared to take place in the modern era. There was mention of crayons and a school bus.
Scene/setting: At the beginning of the story the reader can only assume where in the home the child is located. In the story, she fell asleep while doing her home work. The reader still doesn’t know where this happens. Next, she awoke from sleeping. In the transition from sleeping to waking it isn’t mentioned or made clear that the little girl was moved. Nor does she address waking up in a different place from when she fell asleep.
For me as a reader, it would have helped to know she was in her bedroom at a desk.
Characters: There are four characters that impact the story. The child is the main character. There isn’t much character description given, though given the length of the story it may not be essential. I did like that finding out that the little girl had blonde curly hair.
Grammar: I’m not the best when it comes to grammar or punctuation. Some things were phrased curiously and I wasn’t sure if maybe they were a local thing or if done on purpose for the story. For example Sarah remembers her uniform hanging in an attic instead of a closet.
There should be a comma between them and and. Whenever your listing three things a comma comes before the and of the last thing listed.
She placed her arms on the desk, buried her head in them and began to sob.
You could use: Sarah awoke with a start.
Sarah woke up with a start
This was written as a thought but then it reads that she shouted. Is this is thought or heard expression?
Mom must be awake! the little girl shouted with glee and ran out of her room.
This section needs some editing. I was confused by the word cereal being plural. Plus, I think some of it needs to be italicized as a thought along with punctuation. Change the period after sleeping to a question mark and capitalize she of the next sentence.
On the dining table, Sarah saw her pack of favorite chocolate cereals and a jug of milk. Mom is fast asleep. Who is getting me ready for school? Did Mom didn’t place the cereals before sleeping. she wondered, brushing aside the blonde curls from over her eyes.
There should be quotations noting that she said the phrase Oh my God.
Oh, My God! She exclaimed when she saw her things placed on the small tool where her mother always left them every morning.
Just my opinion:
Sarah noticed the watch and scurried back to her room.
Saying that she sees the watch seems out of place to me. There is no other reference to a watch. If the statement is to move the story along changing it a clock might seem less awkward.
After I went back home, I realized that I had left behind my room keys.
This is another sentence that seemed awkward to me. You’ve already let the reader know that you are referencing the boy friend’s home. Saying that he forgot his “room” keys is confusing. If he is going home, what would be the purpose of a room key? You could drop the reference to a “room” key and just have it read, “After I went back home, I realized that I had left behind my keys.” Again, I’m not sure if the reference is a local dialect phrasing or not.
I really liked how you ended the story on a positive note. The little girl felt happy and cared for by someone who didn’t previously show affection. I enjoyed the story.
I hope this helps. Please use what you like or not, totally up to you. Let me know if you have any questions.
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