Schnujo is Late to Lannister's (schnujo) Reviews

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

227

#4236350

Review of This is the Best Trap, Yet!

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is a delightful and creative story--well done!

Plot:
A dark pixie is hunting for souls to win an annual contest.

Style and Voice:
Are a wonderful choice for this story.

Scene/Setting:
A seedy neighborhood and the pixie's condo

Characters:
Speaker (a dark pixie) and a vampire with references to other dark pixies, other vampires, and Satan, as well as the underbelly of society.

Dialogue:
There isn't any, but it's fine in this story.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...to trap some horrid stranger into my chamber." That should be "in" instead of "into." "...purposely leaving the door ajar so he would enter." There's an extra space between "leaving" and "the." There's an extra space between the 3rd to last and the 2nd to last paragraphs.

Suggestions:
"I run faster to get inside, purposely leaving the door ajar so he would enter." You said you "run faster" yet the last thing you were doing was walking faster. I think this should be something more like, "I begin to run to get inside..."

Favorite Part:
"...My friends like to call me "Tara-Rizer" That is awesome! Hahaha "I am a diminutive, dark pixie, who sold my soul to the fiery pit's gatekeeper." Excellent description and a great way to say what could have been a normal sentence! "Each year I am required to feed upon the spirit of a stranger and frighten him into madness, or death. Extra points are given for soul harvesting. Last year I made it to fifth place on the point tally sheet. This year I shall be the winning Pixie of Darkness." Hahaha--such a creative idea and twist! I love it!!! "It is not difficult identifying the vampire as he is always a gentleman, so pleasant and kind. He needs to be that way in order to seduce his prey. Therefore, we never travel in the same circles. Dark fairies prey on the souls of the lowest form of human existence, thus, we actually do society a favor. Our pixie appearance gives us the innocent look needed to be great bait." You have such a way with words! You're very talented! I'm especially glad I picked this piece...it's awesome! "All I need is to find my victim, which is easy in a large city. I, appearing as a little girl walking alone at dusk, barefooted, wearing shorts, in the fall, will easily attract the unworthy human to follow me home." She could also attract an innocent, good person, concerned for her well-being...just saying. lol "Soon, I would suck the dark soul out of him and get my pixie points." Hahaha

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

228

#4236342

Review of ~Her Wonderful World~

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
What a sweet story/essay about your mother. It makes me miss mine too!

Plot:
The speaker describes her mother's preparing and hosting dinner parties.

Style and Voice:
The style and voice of this piece seem appropriate and natural.

Scene/Setting:
Speaker's home

Characters:
Speaker, her parents, extended family

Dialogue:
There's no dialogue in this piece, but it's not necessary here.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"As the sun began to set, she threw one of his albums on." One of the few grammar rules I recall is that we aren't supposed to end a sentence with a preposition. I often struggled with this, but in this case, I think it's an easy fix. Just say, "As the sun began to set, she threw on one of his albums." "...which we loved.We were quite brave watching it..." You forgot the space between "loved" and "we." You end with "I miss you Mom." I'm pretty sure there should be a comma between "you" and "mom."

Suggestions:
None--well done.

Favorite Part:
"My mom loved Louis Armstrong. I knew the family would be getting together for a party when our house started to fill with the aroma of the the day’s cooking and baking. As the sun began to set, she threw one of his albums on." I like the picture you draw with the description here. I really get a sense of the atmosphere. Well done. "Oh, how I loved to see my mother’s face beam." That is a really sweet sentence. I love it. "We were quite brave watching it, because there was safety in numbers." Hahaha--this sentence amuses me! "...each little cherub voice, sang, “What A Wonderful World." Awww...I love how you call the children cherubs here. That's so sweet and I never would have thought of it! "Mom’s eyes and mine, as well as most of the parents in the hall were tearing-up. We were awe-struck." That's a sweet pair of sentences here, especially the way the story discussed Louis Armstrong and that particular song earlier.

"The silence was broken following the parting prayers, and then a button was pushed. There it was, Louis Armstrong’s recording, “What A Wonderful World.” That was nearly two years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. I still cry when I hear the song." What a sweet and tear-jerking story. Thank you for sharing!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

229

#4235669

Review of Alverad's Adventure

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
WONDERFUL story! I loved it! I was almost disappointed when it was a dream, but you saved it by still keeping it in the fantasy realm. Great work!

Plot:
Alverad is fighting a lich, but then turns out he'd just fallen asleep while he was supposed to be cleaning.

Style and Voice:
Appropriate for the piece

Scene/Setting:
An ancient crypt and a tavern

Characters:
Alverad, a lich, Haldersen, and other assorted friends who are simply there

Dialogue:
Seemed natural and appropriate

Grammar and Mechanics:
No mistakes noticed.

Suggestions:
"A laugh echoed through the halls of the catacombs, drifting from the walls..." I'm not sure I agree echos drift. I'm glad you didn't use bounce, though it's an accurate description, it's too passe. But I think there's something better than drift...unless the laugh doesn't echo. If it was far away, the laugh could crawl through the halls, then drifting would work. Just my opinion. Keep what you like, change what you agree with. lol "Visibly strained and wounded, the lich was no longer laughing." This part confused me because I kept reading "REstrained" since you'd just finished talking about Alverad getting restrained by the vines. I'd suggest a different word as not to confuse the reader, but I'm easily confused, so...

Favorite Part:
"Alverad had wanted this his entire life, but at this moment, all he could feel was the gripping terror of the situation he'd found himself in." You grab the reader from the very first sentence--perfect! You're a natural talent! I also like the next sentence where the "...his brow was lined with sweat..." instead of covering it like most folks say. Great work! "Ensorcelled"--new word for me. Nice! "The elf had regained consciousness, but was firmly constricted in rough, thorny vines. They were black and gnarled, corrupted by the evil and malice of the undead spellcaster that had conjured them." Fabulous descriptions! "He charged forward, raising his hammer, infusing it with all the powers of his deity he could summon. It glowed fiercely, bright with the righteous fury he channeled, becoming a blessed weapon of divine will." Awesome! "It hissed, clacking its skeletal teeth as it neared Alverad's face, the small embers of malignant magic in its otherwise empty eye sockets burning like pyres." I know half this review is just me repeating what YOU said, but you're just such an amazing writer! I love so many parts! (Plus, it heps me get my 1000 characters. Though I've doubled it by now. lol "He'd fallen asleep once more in the course of his duties, and his surly dwarf employer seemed none too pleased." I'm glad the characters continue to not be human, otherwise, I'd have been disappointed. lol "...floodin' in here like rats to a pantry." I especially like that there's a link between rats and floods already (in many people's minds), so this works extra well. "He turned to clean the mugs quickly, too quickly, as he just missed the faint, golden glow that had begun to emanate from his broom." NOOOOooooo...

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

230

#4235586

Review of Fun With Felines

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
What a horrible, yet fantastic story! I was SO happy to read it, but I'm sorry for you to have experienced it! Thanks for writing about this situation!

Plot:
A man and his friends move him and six cats.

Style and Voice:
These seem natural and appropriate for the story.

Scene/Setting:
Most of the story takes place in the speakers car.

Characters:
Speaker, several friends and six cats, with mention of robbers and police

Grammar and Mechanics:
No grammar or punctuation errors were noticed. Great work!

Suggestions:
None--wonderful story! You're a very talented writer!

Favorite Part:
"My half-a-dozen cats were sedated before I parceled them out into various cars, and the trip up the 101 freeway began. Remember, this was before cell phones, and the only way to communicate on that hour-long drive was by the use of car horns." Interesting situation. Fyi, your intro about your house being broken into "one too many times" is a real attention grabber. Great work! "With all the engines off and even over the sound of nearby passing traffic, I could hear loud yowling coming from my various infuriated felines. It seemed the sedatives had worn off, and the uncrated cats were bouncing around inside the various automobiles trying to escape their captivity." OMG! How horrific!!! And somewhat funny...sorry. But WOW! I can only imagine the trauma of both the cats AND those poor drivers! lol "The noise in the Fiat from all six cats swearing in feline was soon joined by a pungent smell as one after another found an even better way to express their anger at me." I'm sorry for you, but THIS IS AWESOME! lol "...swearing in feline..." is ESPECIALLY fantastic!!! "Finally on shaking legs, I made my way into my new home vowing never, ever, ever again to move. At least not with animals. I'm still here 33 years later and can almost laugh about it now...almost." AWESOME ending!!!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

231

#4235167

Review of Dear Fear

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is my Short Story template because I don't have a Letter one. I figured it was a better choice than my poem one.

This was a really hard, yet heartwarming letter. Thanks for sharing!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...stay up late and watch Orca that movie about monstrous killer whales." I'm pretty sure you need a comma after Orca and that movie scared me too. lol Also, book and movie titles should be in italics. If you can't do italics, they should have quotation marks around them (unless you're writing, then underline them). "...the deck of that ship. Even though..." Use a comma, dash, or ellipses (...) because that last sentence isn't a full sentence. If you use ellipses, don't put a space before or after them. If you use a dash, same spacing rule applies as with ellipses, but also, since we can't make a real dash on WdC (at last I haven't figured out how), use two hyphens. "...I can say my brother and I are friends today. I guess it helps that we don't live in the same country." Since the sentence about not living in the same country is related to the sentence about you and your brother being friends, keep them in the same paragraph. Also, end with a period after "country."

Favorite Part:
"I used to lay awake at night and listen to him yelling and be too scared to get out of bed." That seems like a common response...thanks for including that. "Thanks for that Fear." I like the sarcasm here. "Because they could just turn invisible to escape the sunlight." EEK! Glad no one ever told me THAT! "That might not seem like much to you, but for a little boy who lived his life in fear and guilt that he wasn't brave enough to get out of bed and defend his family; that was a big show of strength." That sentence tugs at my heart-strings. "...I can say my brother and I are friends today." I really glad to hear that!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

232

#4235162

Review of Joey Goes on a Walk-about

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Great story! I really enjoyed this piece! I really like the title too.

Plot:
Joey wants to explore life outside the pouch and manages to get outside the space-time continuum.

Style and Voice:
Engaging and interesting.

Scene/Setting:
Field and space-time continuum

Characters:
Joey, Jill, and the kookaburra

Dialogue:
Needs to be separated into different paragraphs each time the speaker changes, but sounds natural.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...intersect … an over-caffeinated kangaroo … must top..."Don't put spaces before and after the ellipses. "...must top the space-time continuum." Is that supposed to say "...must stop the space-time..."? "With the sweet shade and quiet Jill promptly dozed off..." There should be a comma after "quiet." "...Joey peered out from the top her pouch..." Should be "...the to of her pouch..." "...laughing jackass – the kookaburra..." Don't use a space before or after the dash. Also, if you can't make an official dash (as you can't on here), use two hyphens. "“I dare you to go further” said the kook." You need a comma after "further." WdC has a comma class, if you're interested...

When switching between speakers, make a new paragraph. "Before he knew what happened he had landed inside..." Add a comma after "happened." "...relaxing as he thought it should. the noise became..." That period should be a comma.

Suggestions:
Aside from taking some of the classes on Wdc, I don't have any suggestions.

Favorite Part:
"What he did know was that he felt incredibly jacked up!" Funny...and did you do that on purpose because a male kangaroo is also nicknamed a jack? And is that why the mom is called Jill? Hahaha I actually once knew a wallaby named Joey--probably a common name, I'm sure. "So now you know a little bit of what you didn’t know." AWESOME sentence!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

233

#4234910

Review of THE JOB INTERVIEW EXPOSED

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
I'm having to do this review in my short story template. Sorry. I don't have an essay template. But I figured a short story was closer than a poem, my only other template. lol This is a well written, interesting piece.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"The lady hiring, telephoned me." I'm not sure you need a comma here. Actually, I'm pretty sure you don't. "...revealing every unseemly aspect of an overweight body --- not very professional for someone so impetuous." I'm not sure "impetuous" works here. It sounds impetuous to me that she'd just put on whatever she wanted, whether it fit or not, thus that outfit seems perfect for someone impetuous, in my opinion.

Suggestions:
I was going to suggest you discuss bad interviews, but then you gave an example and quenched my curiosity. Nice work!

Favorite Part:
"In a good interview, the interviewer will engage the interviewee, making him/her feel welcome, at ease. You are either the host/hostess or the welcomed guest, conversing with someone new and non-threatening whom you both would like to know better." Interesting ideas here. I like your description of how a good interview should go. I don't think most of my good interviews were THAT good.

"...otherwise, there would be no interview, no invitation extended." Also a great description. You have a real talent for putting the normal in a description that makes it special. Great work! "If the tone set becomes threatening at any time, discreetly excuse yourself and leave. No one is forcing, compelling or pressuring you to stay in an uncomfortable situation --- except maybe yourself." Interesting idea--not sure I'd ever leave an interview just because I felt threatened. But I have declined jobs because of it. "Interviews have caused me to quake because of a creeping vulnerability, expected intimidation, accompanied by an unwavering sick feeling in the pit of my stomach..." Great description! Fyi, usually my biggest part is the grammar and mechanics part, but so far I haven't noticed any mistakes. (I'm copying my favorite parts as I read through the first time.) Excellent! Of course, I'm not done reading yet...lol

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

234

#4234638

Review of Retribution

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is a wonderful story that I'm very glad I came across. It rocks!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...and drag him out his house." That should be "...and drag him out of his house." "With consternation he found himself within the precincts of the temple of Maakar." I think there should be a comma after "consternation." "...before he peeled of their skins." Should be "off" instead of "of."

Suggestions:
Just an opinion, but I feel like "“Who’re you?” the sorcerer asked in a trembling voice" is a bit more comfortable with the Spirit on his bed. I'd think he'd say, "Who are you?" But that's me. I think we tend to enunciate more when we're not hanging out with our homies. lol "...where he had skinned countless kids." I'm not sure if you liked the "K" sound of "skinned countless kids" or you were just trying not to repeat "children" too many times, but I think it works better than "kids" because of the ancient sound of this Spirit's speech. "Next morning, the sorcerer’s lifeless body..." I think this should say, "The next morning..." because simply "Next morning..." is too curt and ruins the flow of your story, in my opinion.

Favorite Part:
"The sorcerer genuflected before the statue of Maakar, the Lord of Darkness, and prayed for deliverance." I'm just excited to see the word "genuflected" in writing. Nice work! I pretty much never see that word. I also like the name of the Lord of Darkness here. It has a nice, creepy sound and great spelling. "...he drowsed off to a peaceful slumber." Interesting way to say "fell asleep." I really like "drowsed off." Apparently I really like your writing because I haven't even gotten to the rest of this yet, I'm just pulling out cool pieces as I read through the first time. lol A terrible fear gripped his mind and his body drenched with sweat." I'd have said, "...his body became drenched with sweat." And THAT'S why I like your writing better! lol The ending is AWESOME!!! I loved it!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

235

#4234596

Review of The Tech Guy

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Cute and well written story. Great job!

Plot:
A copy machine has broken down and Mitch, the tech guy who is almost like a magician, comes to fix it.

Style and Voice:
Seems natural and appropriate for this piece

Scene/Setting:
Office copy room

Characters:
Mitch (the speaker), Mandy, Sheila, Robert, there's also reference to the middle school best friend and best friend's dad.

Dialogue:
Seems natural and amusing.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...there it was on the audience's faces -- a sense of befuddlement..." I'm glad to see you know to use two hyphens in place of a dash, but you also don't need the spaces before or after the "dash." "...we have something in common -- I've seen that look as well." Same as previously mentioned. "... hovering over the beast – typically a copier, printer, or computer – and discussing its symptoms..." Again, no spaces before and after a dash. "This is when I arrived – The tech guy." Same thing...no spaces needed. "... perfectly duplicated -- showing 3. Down’s answer..." Same thing.

Suggestions:
Other than to erase a bunch of unnecessary spaces, I don't have any suggestions. This is a great piece.

Favorite Part:
"...I’d usually come right away to the wretched wreck of mangled peripheral that caused such consternation." I love this bit of the sentence. Wonderfully written!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

236

#4234562

Review of The Wrong Side of the Bed

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is an interesting and amusing story about Kasey and her bad day. I'm glad it's not mine!

Plot:
Kasey has a very bad day that starts with waking up late and ends with getting fired.

Characters:
Kasey and Jack are married and are primary characters. The police officer is another character. The last character introduced is Mr. Granger, her boss.

Dialogue:
The dialogue seemed to flow naturally.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...eyes straying to his neck – just in case." You don't put a space between the dash and the word, on either side. "The way she figured it - she got off easy." Same, but also, if using a hyphen as a dash, you use two hyphens in the place of one dash. "...his pointed eye teeth - longer than most - captured Kasey’s attention." Same as previously mentioned. No other punctuation or grammar mistakes were noted. Great job!

Suggestions:
None. Very nice piece.

Favorite Part:
"The row of lights above the room-length vanity and double sinks blinded her. Squinting, she could almost make out the marble counters and silver fixtures adorning them." That would suck. lol I'd hate to be greeted by that every morning. "Icy needles blasted her skin." Very nice description here. "The light was red and so was the cop’s face. Kasey’s heart pounded; she eased the truck into reverse and backed up, giving him plenty of room to exit his vehicle. She had a feeling he wanted to talk to her. He did, and out of the goodness of his heart, he only gave her a ten minute lecture and a ticket for running a red light. The way she figured it - she got off easy." Hahaha--I love this part!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

237

#4233954

Review of Nightmare

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is a unique and creative idea for a short story. Well done! Oh, and the idea is well done as well. lol

Plot:
Each emotion plays a character in this short story. There is a nightmare in the brain and it gets all the emotions riled up.

Style and Voice:
The voice and style here seemed appropriate for this short story. Good work.

Scene/Setting:
The setting was inside Robert's brain with parts taking place in Stoicism's room, the control room, and the control room floor. Robert was, presumably, home in bed.

Characters:
Stoicism, Fear, Nightmare, Logic, Amnesia, Shock, Lust, Love, Shame, Disgust, Self-Loathing, Self-Confidence, Courage, Boredom, Robert, Derrick, Shawna, Loneliness,

Dialogue:
The dialogue that took place was technically between different emotions, but as they played the parts of characters in this piece, it worked well with no real hiccups.

Grammar and Mechanics:
I didn't note any grammatical or punctuation mistakes in your short story. Good work!

Suggestions:
No real suggestions to offer.

Favorite Part:
"Amnesia is apparently on holiday to the frontal lobe this week." Very clever sentence idea. "...engaged in some sort of three-way fist fight with Shame." Interesting image this brings up. lol This is a very creative piece and I can totally see why you won. Congratulations! Also, you did a great job with the prompt. It seemed completely naturally placed.

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

238

#4233711

Review of How to make a sci-fi world

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
I'm using my short story template because I don't really have a template that fits this. But I really wanted to read it and since I'm doing Game of Thrones, I don't have time to just read for fun, thus, I'm also reviewing it. lol "Do some research on cosmology to see how you can avoid this" and "This part will require a lot of research" remind me why I don't write sci-fi...and if I ever did, it would all take place in one world, every sci-fi story I ever write. lol Putting this much detail into the development of worlds is more than I'm willing to do. Kudos to you! I never knew SO much went into writing science fiction! I learned a lot--Thank you!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"Remember; don't kill off your inhabitants." I'm pretty sure that shouldn't be a semi-colon after "remember." I think a comma is fine there. A semi-colon is for separating two complete sentences and "remember" isn't really one. On the good side, you'd mentioned (in your bio, I think) about having problems with capitalization, but I didn't notice any problems.

Suggestions:
Under "genre" you could easily put this as "Educational" as well as "How to/Advice" and I think maybe even "Reference" too. Or if you prefer, you can probably put it under "Science Fiction," and "Fantasy," in my opinion, even though it's not ACTUAL science fiction or fantasy, it's related. Anyway, you currently don't have it under any genre.

Favorite Part:
WOW! Your "Setting the stage" is WAY more detailed than I would have ever gotten into. Is it really necessary to know how close to the center of the galaxy the planet is? It doesn't seem that important to me unless they are traveling off the planet, but that's just me. I guess this is why I don't write science fiction. It's WAY too complicated for me. lol "And be careful. I see that a lot of times people have their inhabitants eat meat from herbivores. Make sure all animals have food, or they will go extinct." I'm not sure if this part impressed me more or made me laugh more, but I probably wouldn't have even noticed if someone did that. Good eye!

"Remember; don't kill off your inhabitants." Hahaha--valid point! I learned a lot from this! THANK YOU FOR WRITING IT!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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239

#4233651

Review of Pillow Fight

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Lovely story and a much better attempt at all dialogue writing than I've done. lol

Plot:
Rachael has to write a romance story in all dialogue.

Characters:
The only real characters are Douglas and Rachael.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"The way I remember it you were very close." I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "it." "I have always loved you Rachael." I also think you need one after "you." It's similar to the sentence, "That's one of the reasons I love you so, Douglas" where you did use one. "Please don't cry my darling." Pretty sure you need a comma after "cry." "I love you so Douglas." Pretty sure you need a comma after "so" and you did it earlier in the story with basically the same sentence. "........I can't help it." Ellipses are supposed to be three periods. You do this several times after this statement as well. "Doug you're mean!" I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "Doug." "Well you hurt my feelings." I'm also pretty sure you need a comma after "well." There are comma classes on this site.

Suggestions:
In some places the dialogue seems so flowery it's not quite natural, but it's also some of my favorite parts regarding your writing, so not sure I really think you should take it out. lol

Favorite Part:
"Reality, glazed by a film of hope. A hope and a fiction." Awesome! Especially that first part! "We should be content to live together in the story of our letters." Another great piece of writing! "The only thing it might be good for is a cute way of tellin' me you're pregnant......You aren't......Are you......?" TOTALLY AWESOME ENDING!!! I LOVE IT!!!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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240

#4233603

Review of Heart in a Cage

Review by Schnujo is Late...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I like this a lot better, but still feel like it's almost 2 poems. The top part is about a cage and the bottom about a clock. I'd suggest either separating the 2 poems, or at least try to tie in the cage part near the bottom. It's a lot better, though and I bumped up the rating.

241

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#4231579

Review of Daniel's story

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is a fascinating story about young Daniel, who I assume is human. There's apparently more to the story, like a whole novel more, but this part is apparently not important for understanding the novel. I'm intrigued that you felt the need to write this story, even though it won't get into your novel. Obviously you're really thought this character and his background through!

Plot:
Daniel is playing in the yard of a cavern with his classmates when he sees a shadow of a soldier placing charges on the dome that protects them from the poisonous outside gases. The dome blows and everyone runs for their protective masks and then to the safe areas. Daniel is trapped and watches his friends scurry around looking for an escape and/or die.

Characters:
Daniel, his friends, and the soldier are the official characters, but there is reference to the soldier being with a group of others.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"The girls tended to congregated in..." Should be "...to congregate in..." or "...be congregated in..." "...a soldier in mop gear..." "MOPP" should be in all caps and with two P's since it stands for Mission Oriented Protective Posture, plus it helps keep civilians from getting confused that it might actually mean a mop that you clean with. And I know I'm being picky, but how can the gear work without a seal? The seal is what keeps gases from leaking in through the sides, whether the filter is working or not.

Favorite Part:
I'm really curious about this novel! What's the name of it? When do you hope to try to get it published?

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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242

#4231478

Review of Glimpse to Nature

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
My emotional response is one of joy and wonder at the beauty of nature. This poem beautifully captures some wonderful sights and sounds, some of which I'd never either noticed before or thought about in the way this poet describes them. This is a very thoughtfully created poem that brings ideas to the reader's mind and inspires a sense of awe and wonder. Very well done, Mr. Poet!

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
I'm going to call this a free verse or a free form poem simply because I don't know what else to call it. I'm familiar with very few poetic styles. There is rhyme, but it's a bit erratic. A, A, B, A A, A, C, C, D, E, E, D F, F, F, G F, F, H, H, I, I Anyway, it's not a problem for me. It just seemed a bit odd.

My Favorite Part:
"Silver clouds fluff in azure sky," Typically I think of "fluff" as an adjective, not as a verb, when it comes to clouds. Nice. "Silken lake like blanket laid" I love all the L's here. Calling a lake "nature's mirror" is a great idea. Normally I wouldn't have liked any reference to it being reflective or whatever, because it's boring and common, but you jazz it up. Great work! "Blue daffodils make sound so mellow," such a lovely description here. You have a real talent for thinking of new ways to describe old things. Impressive!

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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243

#4231459

Review of Friendship Promise

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
My impression is that the writer has a strong friendship as well as a strong sense of duty to his word--a good thing, in my opinion.

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
I'm not really picking up on a real form here, but it may well be my lack of poetry knowledge. I'd call this free verse with some rhymes, but nothing specific.

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
In your intro, you say, "A friends promise is a promise." That should be "friend's" with an apostrophe. Also, in the third stanza you say, "Back on the days of yore." I like your usage of the word "yore" but I believe it should be "in the days of yore" not "on the days of yore." In the fourth stanza, "Forever- that one may end," that should be "--" instead of "-" because just one is a dash like you'd use for a hyphenated word. But a dash is punctuation that would serve nicely here and that's either a longer looking hyphen, or, since that's not an option, two dashes.

Suggestions:
Regaring your introduction that "A friend's promise is a promise. It should not be broken." That makes it sound like the poem is about a broken promise, but it's not. I'd recommend either erasing that second sentence or changing it to "It will not be broken." I feel that's more in line with the poem's idea.

My Favorite Part:
I love the idea behind this poem. I think it's wonderful and more people should feel this way.

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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244

#4231210

Review of Paper Mache Hats

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I really like this poem and the idea behind it. I've never even thought of my thoughts as paper mache hats. Very creative. Keep in mind as you read the rest of my comments that I'm not a poet and I see you've published quite a lot. My opinions are only my opinions...and I'm reviewing for G.o.T. lol

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
This is a free form or free verse poem and I think that format suits the idea well. After all, our thoughts and ideas are pretty free form themselves. Because it's free form, there is no real pattern in the rhyme or meter. I do like that you centered your poem, though. I never center mine, but maybe I should start. Thanks!

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
I feel an urge to express in this poem and I really like the imagery as I said above. I was at first a little disappointed when I started reading about the imagination being on fire. It's not trite, but I've heard it before. But then you take it in new directions so I'm completely happy with that, then of course, comes the very creative paper mache portion.

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
I feel there are some places at the end of sentences where you could benefit from a comma. I'm not sure if you didn't use them because your brain doesn't use commas or if you just didn't think they were needed, but as a reader, I think I'd benefit from them as there were a few places I had to reread because I thought 2 ideas in a sentence were more connected than they were. Because some lines' ideas continue to the next line and others not so much, I was confused. Here's an example of where I thought a comma would be beneficial. "Mystify us with the absurd, Show us the depths of our kind," but again, I acknowledge that you're published, so what do I know? lol

My Favorite Part:
My favorite part was kind of a long section. It's the part about the fire and part of why it's a favorite is because it changed my expectation. GREAT WORK!

Imagination always on fire
Burning down a forest
Of stick figures that have
Long since relented all
Expendable fuel.

What a terrifying place
Of epic creatures
And relentless bastards
That force my hands and
My maladjusted mind.

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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245

#4230988

Review of The Anchor

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
The impression I have of this poem is that the writer is firm in his faith and has probably been for a long time. The emotional impact is one of comfort and strength as well as protection.

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
I'm not officially familiar with the form, but there is a form to this poem. It's not free flow or free verse. The rhyme is ABBB, CDDD, EFFF, etc. There is no specific syllable count for each line, but they are similar for each corresponding line. For example, the first line of each stanza has 9, 11, 10, 8, 10, 9, 12, 8, 9, 8, 11, and 9 syllables. There aren't any 3 or 15 syllable lines, but they also don't really hold a pattern, either.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
The imagery here is of a ship and the anchoring parts. It's well done, but not particularly creative. We've heard the idea of a ship being anchored in reference to our soul a hundred times and God saves us from the storms. I know he did that quite literally in the Bible and I'm not saying it's wrong, but I'd like to see something different. Perhaps I just need to read more. But the love and devotion you have for God is very clear and that's what's important.

My Favorite Part:
My favorite part is this stanza:
The Boulder, the Anchor, and the Chain I hold dear,
For the Boulder has the grip,
And the Anchor holds my ship
While the Chain acts as a clip.

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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246

#4230967

Review of The Airport Fiasco

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is a totally awesome and creative piece! I love it!

Plot:
A traveler gets stuck in the airport overnight and doesn't have a place to sleep. He finds that someone is hogging a whole bench and decides to do something about this by scaring the wits out of him. In the end, he gets to sleep, but he only takes up half of the bench he scared the other guy off of.

Style and Voice:
The voice has a sense of right and wrong and has some indignation at times.

Scene/Setting:
Presumably modern day in an airport.

Characters:
The primary characters are the speaker and the guy on the bench, but there is also mention of an old man and an old lady, though they don't really do much in the story.

Dialogue:
There's really no dialogue except when the speaker tells the guy on the bench to run.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...and many had deterred to sleeping on the ground." I think you mean "deferred" as "deterred" means to prevent like you carry a baseball bat to deter an attack. "Immediately I got up again." I believe there should be a comma after "immediately."

Suggestions:
I don't have any suggestions.

Favorite Part:
I love the creative way of getting rid of the guy who was hogging the whole bench. Priceless! I never would have thought of that! lol

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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247

#4230473

Review of The Snoring Man

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
My overall impression is that the writer is exasperated with the situation, but also feels a sense of doomed fate that she will not ever escape. There were a number of words I wasn't familiar with such as "sonorous" and "derecho." But while these caused a hiccup in my reading, they didn't totally stop me and cause me to not understand what was being said.

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
This is a free verse poem with no real form, format, rhyme, or meter, though it's very well done. I think this could have done well with a metered verse that made an effort to mimic the snoring pattern.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
There is a fair amount of imagery in here and I like that I can get the sense of what's going on and how the author feels about the situation.

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
There were no grammar, spelling, or mechanical errors noted.

Suggestions:
"He lies there,
humped mountain buried under"
made me assume he was overweight. But then
"Slim, sinuous man in phenomenal shape
for sixty-plus years. Almost indecently healthy;"
made me see him as thin. I'm wondering if there's a better description than "humped mountain." "Thin ridgeline" if he's sleeping on his side? I don't know. I'm not a poet. lol But this did confuse me a bit when I got to the part where he was in shape because I'd already pictured him as fat.

My Favorite Part:
I had several favorite parts:
"...for his is such that I
would hyperventilate
should I try to breathe that quickly."
And
"Whistles, warbles, puffs of air,
raspberries that ne'er in fruit salad were."
And
"Almost indecently healthy..."

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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248

#4230358

Review of Here, there and everywhere else...

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This is a sadness and depression over things that haven't been or didn't last. There's a sense that the heart's desires may never come about permanently.

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
This is a free form/free verse poem. Thus, it doesn't prescribe to any formal meter, rhyme, or format.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
The voice is one of longing. There is some good imagery here. One of my favorites is:
The loveliest day of the year
is catching me sleeping on the train tracks.
Sad, but it's a really powerful image and I totally love it (in a sick way lol)! Another image I really dig here is immediately following:
The problems in my heart are leaking
and filling up my head.
Where do you go to donate love?
I've got so much to give.

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
I didn't catch any spelling, grammar, or punctuation mistakes. Great work!

Suggestions:
My strongest suggestion is to consider using another work in the third stanza where you say, "with the way I fend off chicks." Unless you mean to use "chicks" because next you talk about your "ridiculous style" and it's a play because it's ridiculous to call a lady a "chick" if you're trying to get one. Otherwise, I'd suggest "girls" for a 1-syllable word if that's where you were going with that. You'd probably prefer something to indicate they are adults, but chicks doesn't do too much for that in the way of class.

My Favorite Part:
Along with the previously mentioned phrases that I liked, here's another:
If I had a poem for every let-down I've
either caused or faced,
I could offer a subscription to Literature Weekly
with a prescription
for some pretty serious anti-depressants.
Classic! I love it!

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. I hope you found something in this review that was helpful and/or encouraging to you! Happy WdC Anniversary and congratulations on 15 years! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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249

#4230343

Review of I'm Not Hometown Anymore

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This poem leaves me with a sad, sort of wistful feel. The speaker is talking about change and how he grew up vs. how his kids and others are growing up.

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
This is a free form/free verse poem and I think it fits nicely. There isn't any real rhyme or meter, but again, the choices are good.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
The voice is of a father-figure, age undetermined. This fits perfectly with the poem's idea and tone. There isn't a ton of imagery here, but it's got some really interesting ones. My favorite image is:
TV, the Internet and other media
play games with peoples' heads
and try to stick the mainstream
down their hollow throats.

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation were all unnoticed, as they generally should be. Thanks for that.

Suggestions:
I think a few more strong images could really do some powerful things in this poem, but in general, I think it's very well done and I don't really have any complaints about it.

My Favorite Part:
One of my favorite parts is:
But it makes no one happy
if they're not meddling
or tinkering,
thinking of ways to make life better.
I think that's funny and very true. But I'm a touch confused by another favorite part:
It's fine for me
and my
low-down imperfections.
The first part sounds like everyone needs folks to meddle, and this part seems like it's saying you're okay with them meddling, but then you follow to say it's your life, which sounds like you don't want them meddling. I'm not sure exactly what's going on here, but I really like the lines I quoted! Really fine work.

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Remember, these are just my opinions. Do with them as you will. Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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250

#4230321

Review of Nobody's Son

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them of some benefit.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
You have an interesting poetry style. At least during this time, it was frequently focused on darker or sadder subjects. This particular one is about a grown son talking about and bemoaning the fact that he basically grew up with out a father. The repeated use of the word "harder" helps the reader see the impact that this situation caused the writer or the voice of the poem.

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
This poem is written mostly in free form. There is some meter similarities for a while, but then it changes. This happens repeatedly and I assume is simply part of the free form rather than some measured plan by the writer. The rhyme also seems a bit chaotic with some lines rhyming with the above line, but in other places, several lines pass without any rhyme. One thing I really like is the approximate rhymes such as "consent" and "concept." I appreciate that the poem isn't forced to stick to the traditional idea of what rhyme is.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
There is some imagery here, but it's not as strong as I'd like to see, personally.

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
The mechanics were typically fine--no noticeable issues that caused the reader problems..

Suggestions:
I'm not really into free form, so I'm not sure I'm the best person to give advice, but it seems to me like it has some form in some places, but not in others. I'd expect it to stick to one plan or the other. Also, there were several places that seemed more like you were reaching for a rhyme than that it actually made sense.

My Favorite Part:
My three favorite things were when he talked about his brother, when you separated "broken" and "glass," and the line, "When I bit the line I choked on the noose." To be honest, I don't really get that line, but I like the sound of it anyway.

Also, I liked that in places I could almost hear a rapper performing this.

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. I think it has a lot of potential but I feel like it needs quite a bit of polishing. Then again, you wrote it a long time ago, so you were an entirely different person and writer. Do what you want with this review, but in any event, HAPPY WdC ANNIVERSARY!!! Keep writing!

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