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Public Reviews
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51
51
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
What an amazing drawing! I'm so very impressed! And I definitely appreciate you sharing it with me. You certainly have a lot of talent! I love that you included the pencils in the image, but I think I might have liked it better with the picture taken straight on. But then, you're obviously the artist, so perhaps that wouldn't have looked so good. I don't know, but I'm certainly wowed by your talent! Great work! Keep it up!
52
52
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love that you used all 3 genre options. Great work from the beginning!

I noticed your official title and the title at the top of the item are different--Flashlights of the Ocean vs. Flashlights of the World. I write my review as I read, so maybe that's on purpose, but I'm not sure yet. *Wink*

I actually just noticed that you have passed away. I'm very sorry for your family and friends, especially those here on WdC. *Hug1**Cry**Hug2*

Anyway, this is a really interesting and educational piece! Thank you so much for writing it! I thoroughly enjoyed it and feel smarter for having had the chance to read it. *Smile* I especially appreciate you including the pronunciation of the word "Fresnel." *Heart*

I am curious about what the Link Text Here thing is about, but I can't ask so I won't deduct stars for something that may be simply my misunderstanding. *Wink*

Thank you for writing this and may you rest in peace! *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
53
53
Review of Broken Past  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Howdy! I found your story (or the beginning of it) in Read a Newbie. WELCOME! *Hug*

First, good job filling out 2 of the 3 genre slots. Though I'd encourage you to try to find one more to add to it...and not Other, Activity, Contest, or Contest Entry. *Wink* Would Horror/Scary fit? I don't know where you are going with the story, so I can't say for sure, but you do seem to be amping up some drama. *Smile* There's Medical, but I'm not sure this is going to be a medical story so much as it just happens to be set in a hospital. Are there going to be ghosts and such? Paranormal? Occult? It feels like it might be a bit Occult-y with that moon situation. Just options, depending on where the story goes. *Wink*

There are 2 main reasons it's good to fill out all the genres. 1. When people search for things to read by genre, they have 3 chances to find yours. *Wink* 2. We have a thing called "The Quills" . It's like our version of the Oscars. When an item gets nominated in a category such as Best Short Story, Best Poem, etc., it automatically qualifies for the genre categories without additional nomination. But if you only have 2 genres listed, you are missing out on possibly winning a Quill award in a genre. *Shock2* *Sob*

I like that you used different font sizes and used space to make things flow well. But be sure to check things when you save them to make sure they look like you want them to. I see something is messed up, but you'd probably have to go into Edit to see what it is. To edit your item, go to the sprocket in the upper right corner of the item and click that. You'll see Quick Edit. That's what I normally use, personally. Another page will pop up and you can make changes. Save them, then the popup will show the new stuff or you can refresh the main/original page to see the new changes. *Smile*

I like where you are going with this so far. You draw the reader in. Nice work. Though I'd like to see some more variety in some of the sentences. In the sentence about the walls, you use the word "wall" 3 times. *Think* Maybe try to say things in a different way. And the sentence about the light in the room, you use "room" twice--not as bad, but maybe instead of the light engulfing the room, it engulfs everything or it engulfs the shadows or something else that isn't specifically "the room." *Wink* Actually, as I'm reading, you do this a lot. Check your sentences for repetitive words. *Bigsmile*

You spelled "waiting" wrong in the 1st sentence in Chapter 1. *Wink*

You switched tenses in "But Sarah can't just stand here, so she moved forward slow and steady." You start in present tense, but then changed to past tense. You've probably done that more, but I do the same thing, so it's hard for me to catch it when other folks do. *Rolling* Darned tenses are so hard to keep up with! *Irritated* *Laugh* You did it again here, "Sarah had to keep going, she can't stop." If you are going with past tense, that would be "...she couldn't stop."

Okay, I'm done and this was definitely creepy! I'm assuming that was what you were going for. *Laugh* Well done! You have some great ideas, but you need to work on a couple parts of the execution. The main things I'd say to focus on are using the same words over and over and then sticking to the same tense. Since you definitely have the creativity, I know the words portion of this, as long as you really pay attention and think about how to say things, that will come to you. You obviously have talent, so just start extending some of it to that. *Heart* As for taming tenses, yeah, good luck. I still do it. It's totally fixable...at least, that's what I tell myself. *Laugh* But I still haven't fully cured the problem, myself, so I wish you luck fixing your own problem with it. *Rolling*

Anyway, great job creeping me out! Thankfully, it's not bedtime. *Laugh* You certainly have some talent! Great work because the mechanics and such can be fixed much easier than a lack of talent. *Think* You have the important part. *Wink* If you decide to fix some of the problems here, feel free to let me know you want me to rereview it and I can give you a better rating when you've made improvements. *Smile* Keep at it! I hope to see you writing lots more!

Again, welcome! *Hug*
54
54
Review of Shaman's Trance  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Whoa! This is a really cool poem! I found it under Please Review. *Smile* First, great job using all 3 of your genre slots. A lot of folks don't do that, so well done. *Wink* The fact that you chose Psychology is why I wanted to read this. At first, before clicking, I thought it was going to be a super creepy story about someone being in a trance, but not alone there. *Scared*

Anyway, I'm not a poet, so I can't speak as wisely about this as many others can, but I do appreciate that even though it's not got a regular structure (that I can identify), it still seems poetic. So many folks write "free form" poetry that is really just prose with more line breaks. *Think* *Laugh* So, well done not being one of them! *Bigsmile*

I do totally love your shape here! Though at first I thought the page hadn't loaded since so much of the top was blank. lol Hopefully, you aren't missing out on readers because they don't scroll down to see there is more below. *Wink* You could consider deleting a few lines so that the first lines show up at the bottom...or maybe they do for you and just no me. *Wink* Anyway, back to the shape, I thought it was first like a speaking bubble like in cartoons, but then since it's a shaman, I'm wondering if maybe it's a peace pipe? It could also be a thought bubble. I'm not sure, but I like it. *Bigsmile*

Nicely done! Thank you for sharing! Keep at it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
55
55
Review of The Massage  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey! I saw your item and wanted to give it a quick review.

I'm immediately drawn in, especially when the speaker says to himself, "'Oh what the hell' he thought, let’s see what all the fuss is about." I think that bit amused me because I've done things I probably knew better than to do just out of curiosity. *Laugh* Though I'm not yet far enough in to know if he's going to regret this. *Wink*

Suggestion: You jump from the speaker getting the number and making the appointment to now being in the massage parlor. I'd suggest skipping a few extra spaces or perhaps adding a line of dashes or asterisks to break it up so we know the scene has changed. *Smile* Even just adding a link of like 5-10 can make a big difference in the flow.

It's funny that just before the line where the speaker says it's getting spooky, I'm thinking to myself, "This is getting creepy." *Rolling*

Suggestion: This is being told from his point of view, or so it seems, so I don't know that it feels right to me that we know Angelique smiles unless he sees it. We didn't know anything about Tom that he didn't know. I feel like it should be the same with Angelique.

Correction: You wrote, "‘Deeper’ he thought, and she pressed deeper.. ‘Again!’ he thought, and she massaged the spot again and again.." You need a comma after "deeper" and ellipses have 3 dots in them, not just 2. *Wink*

Correction: You need a comma after "please" in "“Turn over please” she whispered in his ear."

"Under the towel precariously draped across his waist..." Those darned towels are always threatening to come off, aren't they? *Laugh* Thanks for the shot of realism. *Wink*

Correction: "Angelique was sat tantalizingly astride his legs, her fingers replaced by her warm soft lips, caressing his body in tiny nips and kisses."

I love that he loves thunderstorms. That makes him a more real character to me. *Smile*

Corrections and Suggestions: "“Perfect” he replied as he smiled back at her, and in that instant he knew, they would spend many more blissful moments together......." You need a comma after "perfect." Also, I think you'd do best ending with just a period, but if you want ellipses, that's only 3 dots. *Wink* Finally, I feel like this was more than just a few moments and to me, I feel like he'd say to himself that they'll spend many more blissful hours together. Or at least a lot more blissful time together, but that's me.

Nice story. Thank you for sharing. I was a bit worried that there was some trick or trap and that maybe Tom had been forced to talk him into going in order to escape some horrible fate, but nope. It was legitimately a great experience for him. YAY! *Laugh* And now I want one like that... lol

Thank you for sharing your story! Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
56
56
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a really interesting topic and way of looking at it. I wasn't sure what to expect when the genres said it was Adult, Erotic, and Opinion. *Laugh* But you did a great job of describing things and piecing together your idea to sell us on something we probably have never thought about before. Nicely done!

Correction: The only mistake I noticed was a spelling mistake in "Men are blown away by the gift, or presense, of women." I did google in case that was a British spelling or something, but I don't think it is, in which case, that should be "presence." *Wink*

Otherwise, you did a great job with this piece. I really enjoyed it! My favorite line was "How its slender shapely form glides and saunters its way through life as if to some visionary symphony, unyieldingly entertaining an audience of the mind incessantly."

Thank you for sharing your opinion. Keep it up! You have interesting ideas and the talent to share them. *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
57
57
Review of The Hot Tub  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow! You've gotten 50 reviews! I've been told that erotic stuff is the most read, but least reviewed stuff on WdC. *Laugh* Though your item is shorter, so that might have helped as well. *Wink*

That first paragraph is a nice setup. *Smile*

Correction: Commas go on the inside of quotation marks. You placed them incorrectly a few times such as...
"My imagination is playing with me", he thought.
"Oh! It's hot!", said the same voice.

I love this part--Somehow, he knew that this would all go away if he opened his eyes.

It's great that we are left wondering if she was real or not. I prefer to think not because I don't want him cheating on his wife, but others might hope she was. Great ending to this piece! Very well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
58
58
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Howdy! I saw your interactive and thought I'd review it.

I have to admit that I didn't read any but a tiny fraction of your interactive. 830 chapters is HUGE! Also, I'm not sure what some of the things are such as vore and GTS, but stuck with the safer parts I was more comfortable with. lol

The only thing I didn't like was that I had to restart several times before I could find a path that really went anywhere, but I realize that's not really your fault. People add where they want to add. *Wink* Anyway, I did enjoy the parts that I read, though I admit I kept to the clean stuff. *Angelic*

Thanks for sharing this!
59
59
Review of The Forever Gift  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I've come to expect nothing but the best from you. You're so talented with everything you do!

This poem is really touching and since it involves the military, I especially love it. *Wink* I definitely appreciate you including the info at the bottom about the prompt and rhyme structure and such. That always helps me think more about the choices you've made.

Suggestion: The one critique I have is your genre choice. I'm not taking off stars because it's not officially a part of the poem. But you only listed Romance/Love as your genre. Obviously, Military would fit. *Wink* You could also consider Emotional or Drama or Relationship. I realize this was written back in 2011, so maybe you didn't realize the importance of selecting genres back then. *Wink* But as you know, they are important for not just helping people find your item when searching for something to read, but if this was written this year and it got nominated for a Quill, you'd be missing out on the opportunity to get nominated in 2 other genre categories, thus slimming your chances of winning. *Wink*

Anyway, that aside, great work! Thank you for sharing! Keep it up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
60
60
Review of Song of the Vamp  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey! I found this on the Read & Review and it looked interesting. *Smile*

First, I'd like to say that I really appreciate that you posted the word count at the top. Some of us are lazy. *Laugh* And great work including all 3 genres! And NOT using Contest Entry as one of them. *Wink*

Suggestion: “My neck is up here,” she hissed in an annoyed tone.
I think I'd like it better if she "...hissed in annoyance." I'm not sure if it's actually more showing than telling this way or if I just like the brevity of it, but it's something to consider. *Wink*

Suggestion: "Penelope broke their embrace and turned away in frustration."
Again, I'm not sure if it's brevity I'm after or what, but I think I'd prefer, "Penelope broke their embrace and turned away frustrated."

I LOVE THIS! Yep, been there back in my youth. *Rolling* Though not with a vampire. *Wink* "She’d hoped that the filmy negligee would finally entice the Count to take her bait."

Awesome!!! “It’s not my lungs so much as my tuxedo,” replied the Count. “The smell seeps into the fabric and then I have to lie inside a closed coffin all day with the reek of cigarette smoke. And, besides that, it’s difficult to launder. Do you know how much they charge for dry-cleaning these days?” *Rolling*

I love that you bring in other literature references with this line--“Damn Van Helsing!” he thought for the thousandth time.

OMG! YOUR ENDING IS AWESOME!!! I did NOT see that coming and totally love it! *InLove* GREAT WORK! Keep it up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
61
61
Review of Sheltered  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What a fun piece! I'm so glad I took the time to read this. *Smile*

I did notice a missing comma before "Wilson" in "You tryin' to be smart Wilson?"

Speaking of that line, I do love how you have them speaking more naturally. Most folks, including me, would have said "Are you trying to be smart, Wilson?" Nicely done!

You're missing another comma before "Wilson" in "Whoa now Wilson." You might also need one after "whoa."

"That virus aint welcome here." You missed an apostrophe. *Wink*

"Keep you sputterin' away from me." I'm assuming that should be "your."

If you care, I normally see "COVID" with all caps. *Smile*

There are a few errors, but nothing that takes away from the meaning, so good job. *Smile* This was a cute story and I really enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
62
62
Review of Home  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love it so much! I feel stupid because it was such a simple and short story, but I got chills and slightly teary as I read this. *FacePalm* But I suppose it's a compliment to you. *Bigsmile* Excellent work!

I would say that you should probably not list this as the genre of "Contest Entry" unless you really feel like that's necessary for you to remember why you wrote things. If it were to get nominated for "The Quills" , it would miss out on a genre award possibility because it only lists 2 genres. Maybe Relationship? That's one of the choices, isn't it? *Confused* I think so. Anyway, I encourage you to look for stuff for all 3 genres always. *Bigsmile*

Good luck in your contest!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
63
63
Review of Night Sky  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Huh. I had no idea! Thank you for this bit of information! I'll have to try to remember this. I wonder if that's the same in areas where there's virtually no pollution. *Think* Anyway, I like this little piece. The only bit I didn't care for is that it's so short. Perhaps it's intended to be that way. But for me, it seems unfinished. Maybe even something as simple as suggesting folks bring hot chocolate and a blanket for their February stargazing might help round it out--just a thought. Anyway, nice work and thank you for the stargazing education! *Star* *Telescope* *Bigsmile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
64
64
Review of DEAR DAD: letter  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Such a fun and sweet letter. I love that it rhymes. *Smile* I'm not sure if you did that because you're not comfortable writing prose or because the prompt said to (I'm too lazy to look *Laugh*), but it's fun and an interesting surprise. *Smile*

I only have 2 places were I noticed errors. "This Dad is not just a fling." You need commas both before and after "Dad" here. "Thank you Dad for everything, My love of God is not a fling." And again, you need commas before and after "Dad." Also, "my" shouldn't be capitalized here.

I like your creative style here. What a fun letter! Good luck in the contest!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
65
65
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ooo...Nice and creepy. Well done! My favorite line is "Silence replied to the stammering breathing." That's awesome! I did find a couple of things I'd suggest, though.

After the "spoken with trembling words" bit, I think the next part should be a separate paragraph...or possibly just attached to this. But it's separated on a new line, but not a new paragraph, so it seems oddly placed, IMO.

Also, when they are "...on their way to the pleading voice," that should have a comma after "voice."

"“I don’t like it here.” echoed and bounced about the walls." That should be a comma, not a period after "here."

"“There’s nobody here” Stunned and astounded..." There should be a comma after "here" and "stunned" should be lower case.

That's all I noticed. Anyway, I liked this piece and the ending was especially nice how you tied the wife's words back to the voice's. Great ending!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
66
66
Review of Sadie's Song  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Holy crap! I think I'm tongue-tied from reading that silently! *Laugh* That is DEFINITELY impressive! Well done! My only real criticism is that you have 2 commas in the line, "sentience so simply subject,, squandered in servile surrender," but otherwise, I didn't see any errors. Though who knows since I slid straight s-through the sentences. Okay, yes, I cheated on my s-words in that last statement, but I'm not the poet you are, so just deal with it. *Laugh*

Anyway, nicely done! Good luck in the contest!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
67
67
Review of Grey Plots  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Delight* I totally love that you wrote a math poem! *Rolling* That never occurred to me! I love it! I think I might actually put to write a poem about a class subject as a prompt for "The Whatever Contest -- Closed for Now"  one day. Keep in mind, I have HUNDREDS of ideas, so don't think you'll be seeing it next month. *Laugh* But still, fun idea! I love it! Great job!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
68
68
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What a powerful poem! Thank you for sharing this! I'm a Republican (forgive me) and I agree with this. That should have never happened. We are duty-bound, until we die, IMO. Obviously, not everyone agrees. This was really well written without getting all Rep vs. Dem, which I appreciate. *Wink*

My favorite stanza is the last one and this one...

We swore an oath on our first day
our country to defend
and even after all these years
our obligation doesn’t end.

Thanks, again! *Salute*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
69
69
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
OMG! THIS IS FABULOUS!!! You are insanely creative! Some of my favorite things are "at sun's last blush," the gnu named Gnick *Laugh*, and just picturing a mouse with castanets. *Rolling* I wish there was a picture or group of pictures to go along with this because that would be totally awesome! I think you should submit this to some magazines or something because I think it's really special! Excellent job!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
70
70
Review of Forced Retirement  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Well done! For me, I think the 4th line in the 1st verse shouldn't have the "a," but it's in keeping with the syllable count, so apparently, it's just me that thinks so. *Laugh* I enjoyed this. Keep up the great work! And I wish you luck with your contest entry! *Bigsmile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
71
71
Review of Sea Foam  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for sharing your story with me! And great work choosing 3 genres so if this gets nominated for "The Quills" , it will have more chances to win! *Heart*

This and the paragraph above it are great hooks to get me interested in the story! "She knew about secrets, too, and what leaving one part of a story out could do to change the truth of it."

"The drive to go out further and further into the waves sang in her blood. She went out until she lost her footing, until she had gone too far." Great writing here!

First, nice hair color choice because it's not like everyone else's. *Wink* "She was beautiful, skin as pale as moonlight and hair as dark as midnight." But I also like that you chose to compare her to 2 different, yet related things--moonlight and midnight. What a great idea...that never occurred to me! *FacePalm*

I'm being nitpicky, but the spacing around your _________________________ breaks isn't always the same. Sometimes there are more spaces above it than other times. *Wink* Also, the lines are different lengths. *Confused*

The first story Katerina remembers is the one about the unicorn/mermaid war beginning, but she'd pestered him for ages to hear it and at the end, she comments on how he went into the water and he says he'd do it again. So, she'd never heard a story before in her life until the day she almost drowns? Maybe she pesters him to hear it AGAIN. It can still be the first she remembers, but maybe she wants to hear it again after her encounter with a mermaid.

"You know, in all the old tales, you never get this type of thing for free."--Love it!

Oopsie--"There," SHE said, "That is my gift and my penance. Use it well."

Now that you're again referencing the story where the unicorn sailor let Althea go, I'm drawn back to my question about that situation. I got the feeling the unicorn let her go because she was still young, not because he wasn't evil. I got the impression that if she'd been an adult, he would have killed her. If that's not the case, as it appears it's not, maybe rework that part. Maybe instead of saying she's too young (or whatever he said), he says something like "We're not murderers. Throw her back." Just my opinion... *Smile*

I think you might need a comma between "as" and "you," but check that. *Wink* "Though, not to escape you as you might think."

I'm glad you have the people not immediately all 100% onboard with the new plan. I hate that. *Pthb* And I like that the magic of the miracle of the king's heart is spreading and that it wasn't just Vassilis' story. Good choice. *Wink*

Nice story! I hope you enjoyed writing it even more than I enjoyed reading it! Great work! There are a few things I suggested and a couple of typos and such, but overall, a very good story. I hope you continue to improve it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
72
72
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thanks so much for sharing this story with me!

I love the title and great job with your genre, though I'd suggest taking out the Contest Entry one just because if someone ever nominated it for a Quill, there's no Contest Entry genre, so it would be missing an opportunity for a genre Quill. I haven't read it yet, but maybe War or Adventure or Drama would fit?

I love the names you've chosen. It's also great that he calls them fish-brains. In war, you always have derogatory names for your enemy. *Wink*

"I can't imagine a unicorn wanted to control her or trade places with her himself." You need a comma before "himself."

"Your Tidalness." That's awesome! lol

"...allowing the latter to keep the three of the pearls as payment." I think it sounds better as "...to keep three of the pearls..."

“Not yet.” She smiled, showing her sharp pointed rows of teeth. “But, by sunset tomorrow I'll have her form, she'll have mine, and you won't remember this conversation or be capable of telling the difference. So, your bride is right here.” Awesome and creepy--I love it!

I love that there are levels of messenger birds and seagulls are at the bottom. *Laugh*

Fun story--thanks for sharing it with me! I hope you enjoyed writing it even more than I enjoyed reading it! *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
73
73
Review of A Hidden Mind  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hey--Thank you for sharing your story!

I found a few errors such as "It would, he also give Debbie some space of her own to decide where their future lay."

"David and Debbie were the only ones with keys, and they did mention the affair, there didn’t seem to be any ill will from Sheree, now things had settled back at the office." This is a run-on sentence. Between "affair" and "there" should be either a semicolon or a period.

"He was grateful not to have a pay cut, families didn’t come cheap." The same here with that comma needing to be a period, or at least a semicolon.

There are more run-on sentences, but I'll stop posting them. *Wink*

You wrote "...and only a specialist team were allowed in." That should be "was allowed in" because a team is a single thing, though it's comprised of many things.

You should use double quotation marks like " " for people speaking instead of single ones like ' ' in the story.

I like your description of David getting hit over the head and blacking out. Nicely done!

I also like how when David comes to, he's confused, thinks she's with him and not the perpetrator, and basically doesn't know what's going on. Very appropriate--Too often the person comes to and suddenly understands the whole situation when that isn't how it normally works when you just became conscious, especially to such a strange scene--being tied up. That takes a bit to process, so good for you for letting David have that time!

I appreciate that you have David taking a long time to heal emotionally. Very valid! I also like how you tell us what happened to the other characters. Cool!

The main thing I'd suggest, aside from some general proofreading, is to brush up on identifying run-on sentences. There were quite a few. But the story was interesting and I think you did a good job of portraying certain parts quite accurately. Well done! Keep working on this and good luck!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
74
74
Review of Fatal Attraction  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for sharing your story!

I found a few errors such as... Didn't take long to say "enough". That period should be on the inside. Periods always go on the inside, unless you live in England, then I think sometimes not, but your spelling doesn't appear to be British, so I think you don't use British punctuation rules.

I love this part because it shows he's really getting to her--While it might have been a massive fit of paranoia, I threw out all my food, washed everything in bleach, and went through every corner of the house looking for something amiss.

That near-death experience is deep and inspiring! Nice job!

You wrote--Until many years later. Phone rings and I answer.

Neither of these is a complete sentence, though if you'd written "The phone rings and I answer," that would have been a complete sentence. *Smile*

You need actual quotation marks like " " and not just single quotes like ' ' when a person is speaking.

Overall, nice work. Thank you for sharing your writing.


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75
75
Review of Attracted  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Fun Fact: If you start to read and review a story, then take too long (not sure how long that is, but I started this like a week ago), it won't let you submit a review for it. Huh. And now I know. *Bigsmile* I just started again, so it should be fine this time. *Wink*

I love this story! I only noticed 2 mistakes. Part way through, you call Mr. Christopher, Mr. Christian. I'm guessing maybe you changed his name at some point and missed that one. I've done that before. *Laugh* *FacePalm* Doing a search using Ctrl F (for Find) can help ensure you don't miss any next time. *Wink* The other mistake is that you spelled Seattle wrong. You left out a T.

I would suggest you consider changing Mr. Christopher's name to Steven or something because then his name would be St(even) Christopher for your ending. *Bigsmile* Just a thought. But I fully acknowledge that Steven isn't as good a name for a rich weirdo. *Laugh*

The other thing I'm not so sure about is the gun at the end. I think maybe there should be some buildup towards violence. I can see how it's possible that he might go that direction, because people are crazy, but I'd still like a hint of violence from him before this. It appeared a bit abrupt to me. Maybe they meet for her to tell him one final time to leave her alone before she goes on the run and things get heated and he raises his hand like he's going to hit her then apologizes and says he just can't imagine her without him or maybe before she leaves, he leaves a note that says something creepy about how he will have her, no matter what it takes or something? I don't know, but I do love this story and hope you continue working on it!

Anyway, well done!


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