This is an interesting story that reminds me a little of the Anime cartoon, Soul Eater where there are people who turn into weapons and people who use those weapons, called handlers. Only this story has a unique twist which I find interesting. There are living weapons called Gyros who seem to be terrorizing this world. You have a good start to what promises to be a great story.
The narrative and dialog was very smooth flowing and the characters carried a real feel to them. You are doing a wonderful job thus far.
My only advice at this point is to describe the characters; give the reader an idea of what they look like. With this, the reader can become more attached and relate to them better as they develop throughout the story.
We get a real feel for mystery, suspense, and drama in the second chapter of this intriguing story. An exotic dancer reveals how she works for her money. We learn of a second mysterious man named Drew who seems to have grown attached to the main character after only two meetings. Now, upon returning home from work in the wee hours of the morning, she is attacked by someone in the shadows! We get the impression that she is knocked out with a needle to the thigh. Who is her attacker? Is the mysterious man she met in chapter one or the mysterious Drew who she tried to date but decided to move on?
I am finding this story to be more interesting with each chapter! I look forward to see how this story unfolds!
This was an interesting beginning to what promises to be an intriguing novel. The paragraphs and dialog flow very nicely and the pace is just right to keep the reader's attention. The end of this chapter had a nice hook with a mysterious light descending down behind the mountain side. The mysterious stranger caught my eye as well. He suddenly appears with his car just when Jessica seems to be ready to scream and cry out her frustrations. I am curious to read more and see where this story goes.
I saw this on the main page of the Writing.com review requests and decided to have a look. The first sentence is very important as it needs to catch the reader's eye and attention. You did very well here.
Just a few pieces of advice. First, put a space between the narrative and lines of dialog; it makes it easier to read.
Second, and I do this all the time myself, try not to repeat yourself. You have the statement: "None of this would have happened if it wasn’t for her. If only I hadn’t given in to those blue marbled eyes" in this first part of the story twice. Try mixing it up a bit like this:
"If it were not for me falling for those blue marbled eyes of hers, we would not be in this mess."
Lastly, I believe you have what you need for a fine mystery/suspense novel! I look forward to reading more.
This was an interesting short story that left me feeling chilled. I love a good ghost story and this one was very well written for its length. It seems as if we have cellphone apps for everything these days, including those for finding and communicating with ghosts. The messages the young girl got, though seemingly harmless through the conversation held a darker meaning to me. 'HUNGRY' 'IMPORTANT' 'FOOD' lead me to think the ghosts were hungry. The three 'SIX' messages left me feeling numb as three sixes is the mark of the devil. The final message 'RUN' left me feeling I had to run from my own computer!
I fear if this girl did not have these apps, there would have been a much different and more tragic ending to this story. In all, I believe this would make a fine novel.
This is a wondrous poem about perspectives! Many people find 80 degrees or higher to be a heat wave. However, to those who live with such temperatures all the time, 80 is quite comfortable. My family had a friend who lived in Alaska; he would visit around spring time and wear shorts in 40 degree weather where we had long sleeve shirts and maybe even a sweater. It is all about what you are used to which this poem delightfully depicts.
I stumbled upon this short piece while reading through the works of members in The Newbies Academy Group. I found it quite endearing and close to the heart. It does not matter where you are born or what the financial status of your family is, you can always find your calling in life and follow it to your own personal success! This is a great motivational piece of which I believe anyone could benefit from! To all reading this review, I highly recommend you read this and see that every problem has a solution, you just need to make it work!
The first chapter of this story has certainly caught my attention. A young thief for hire in a high tech world filed with creatures that were described clearly in a way to make you want to know more about them. A mysterious woman with fire like hair calling the shots for this thief with a job to win her trust. The thief seems very skilled and resourceful but how far will that take him?
A few pointers to make the story better: Keep a space between narrative and dialog. It makes the story easier to read and makes the story flow better. Also, try to use more than just sight to describe the scenes. Describe smells, sounds, the taste of the liquor he drank, and do on.
This was a poem true to the heart. Love is indeed confusing. It is all about her(him) and you one moment them her(him) and someone else the next. Everyone who had fallen in love feels this from time to time; I am no exception to this. One waits and waits because they are in love until it becomes clear to move on. Still, you never forget your first love. It is something special and will be with you always no matter how it ended or still continues. I greatly enjoyed this poem as I believe it speaks to us all who had felt the pain of a broken heart.
Well Done.
This is a sad but often true testament to the old saying, 'Once bitten, twice shy'. Anyone who had their heart broken by one they freely gave their love and trust to will find it very hard to give those things away again. Their broken heart becomes both their best ally and their greatest foe, reminding them of their past pain but blocking them from a possible happier future. However, love is the most powerful force around. If it is true, it will find a way to tame even the beast of a broken heart.
I greatly enjoyed this poem, I feel honored to have read it. Well Done.
This story brought forth rivers of tears from my eyes. It was too close to my heart not to feel a personal connection. My mother was just out of high school, considering college when she met my father. My father was a street orphan, he had no parents; my mother's parents felt the timing was not right but her step father gave his blessings and they were married. My father passed away of complications due to lung cancer on April 8th 2013. My mother is still to determine what to do with a majority of his belongings and lives in two places. One here with her grown children and with him. It gives hope that we will see him once again when the time is right.
This story truly touches ones heart, especially those who know what it is like to lose a father... Well Done! Well Done indeed!
This was a very touching and heartwarming story. I feel honored to have read it. I lost my father to cancer so I know all too well the pain of watching a loved one slowly losing the war against it. Reading this really touched my heart and reminded me what is really important in life... family and friends. Even after they pass on, they are still family and friends, never to be forgotten.
This was an interesting piece. There is a lot of potential for a great story here. I see a parallel to 'Romeo and Juliet' here as a male and female of two very different peoples falling in love. As this was written for a contest entry, I do not know the parameters that were set by the rules so I must review this as a potential short story. I offer a few pieces of advice to reach that goal...
1. Keep the lines of dialog separated with a space. This will make the piece look neater and will make it easier to read.
2. Introduce characters as they first appear. I had no idea who Nalg was until near the end of the first set of dialog where you stated, 'Nalg sneered, and poked his snout inches away from his sister.' This will confuse the reader and slow down the reading.
3. Define your fantasy terminology. What is: Thorga? Urga?
4. Descriptions of the characters will help the reader better identify with them. She the reader what Kreesh looks like. Does she have blue eyes and black hair or something different?
5. Describing facial expressions show more emotion that any words can state. I found it to be a useful tool.
Again, I do not know the limitations of the contest rules so this review was made for a short story.
This story has a very interesting concept. I would love to see how the world of Star Trek would deal with the world of Star Wars with all of the characters within both. However, there is one minor detail which would require an additional introduction to make this work... time.
Star Trek takes place in a future time where Star Wars takes place far in the past. I refer to the first line in the first book. 'Long, Long ago in a place far, far away...' You would need to either have the USS Enterprise fall into a time warp in some far off sector or have a fraction from the Empire jump into the distant future and attempt to rebuild what they once had.
I believe the ladder scenario would be far more believable and more entertaining. Good luck with your story.
This was an interesting poetic piece that I had stumbled upon. Many people see the dark as an evil, forbidding place where demons hide in wait. However, this brings darkness into a completely different role which I find very refreshing.
Here, Darkness is a form of guardian who allows one to fight the demons who lurk inside of a person as only in the darkness will they come out where you can face them and light a glimmer of hope.
The only suggestion I have for this piece is to add a picture. Perhaps a man facing a dark figure somewhere. This will greatly add to the effect of the story.
Again, this was a very interesting piece. I fell honored to have read it.
This was an interesting yet depressing poem about how stress makes you feel. We all deal with stress in different ways However, to allow it to spiral you down into a 'black nonexistent end' will lead to another demon, depression. I have been in both of these dismal pits. My suggestion is to add to this poem or write another that states how you deal with stress. Upon reading this piece, I was tempted to offer you a number of sights I went to for my own stress and depression. Seeing your update on your blog was a relief; that you were doing well.
Again, a very sad and moving poem. It has touched my heart.
This is a sad story about a man facing the last few hours before his death after murdering his wife and daughter. It flows well and has some fine creepy elements to it. Still, I have one suggestion. The daughter, who had been killed at such a young age I do not believe would have red eyes when revealing her true self. I humbly suggest you have her become a figure in a soft light with angelic eyes who sadly walks away and vanishes... just before a taller figure walks up from behind with burning red eyes.
Again, this was a sad story but very well written. Well Done.
This was a touching and heartwarming story about a person who's only wish was to have the outside reflect what he, or rather, she felt inside. Unfortunately, there are many people out there who fear what they do not understand and few of those want that understanding. They instead lash out, not knowing or caring the hurt they inflict. The truth is it does not matter what gender you are only who you are on the inside. I say be true to yourself and allow no one to hold back what makes you a unique individual.
Short, simple, and very funny! It is incredible how a small misunderstanding can lead to so much confusion and a long lived story to share with others. I have had similar experiences that I still laugh about today. It is these moments that make life interesting and worth talking about. Well Done!
This is an interesting poem about a woman going skiing. She makes note of the children learning to ski for the first time and how the older skiers watch out for them. She then mentions older skiers who are happy to get to the bottom of this hill in one piece followed by a skier falling in the snow and then being helped up to go ski again. A lot was covered in only forty lines and it told a great story.
Well Done!
This was the funniest story I have ever read to date. It is also very true to those entering and living those dreadful teen years when they do not get enough sleep and are expected to get up and go to school. I read this with my mother who is retired and she laughed as hard as I did. It is a true testament to teenagers everywhere who need that extra five minutes of sleep. Well Done!
This was a very interesting and amusing story about perspectives. Enter a man who hated his job but believed he was overqualified for anything less with strong opinions about women. He learns that things are different when seen from another person's view. His life is turned around with a promise of a return to his old life, if 'she' learns her lesson. I greatly enjoyed this story and I recommend others read it as well.
This was a brilliant work of poetry, I found myself honored to have read it. The knight who fights for his king and country thinks firstly of his love, waiting for his return that may never come. The poem to his maiden fair shows this knight needs not to be tested for his loyalty as his words in the poem show it clearly that he knows his place and has no regrets but to never see his love again. Once more, a brilliant work of poetry. Well done indeed.
Powerful and gripping. I had recently lost my father to complications relating to lung cancer so I can definitely relate to the main character, Danny. I too found it difficult to be near my dad as he became weaker and weaker because I could do nothing to make him stronger. I racked my brains until they hurt, searching for a way to make him better but alas, I failed to find any answers. This story is powerful tale of a boy saying good bye to a loved one. It was well written and it left me feeling more confident that I too can find the courage to say goodbye.
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