*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/scottiegaz/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
Review Requests: OFF
890 Public Reviews Given
961 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 2 -3- 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 ... Next
51
51
Review of The Dialogue 500  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
So, okay, this review is something of a cheat (and it tips my average rating on the high end!), but I wanted to do something special....

This is a great contest! As you know, I have entered it several times. It is a great dialogue exercise, and really forces you to perform. The first time I saw it, I thought, oh this should be an easy contest. Until I had a character who needed to slam a door, or stomp away. Suddenly, I had to figure out how to convey action and tone of voice without being so obvious. These exercises have strengthened my general writing skills, I think, because:
a) they have made me convey more with my dialogue than with my action, which helps tighten my writing and reduce wordiness (not that you can tell so much from this review, LOL)
b) they have helped me become more visual. I had to really think about what the character was doing, and then determine how to best convey that.
c) they made me think more about dialogue, which I honestly did not spend a lot of time focusing on in the past.

So this contest is a great tool for writers at any stage who want to improve. Oh, yes, and making it short forces the writing to be significantly tighter and more direct, as well.

Great contest!

SG

PS It's my birthday, so instead of taking presents, I am sending them! *Bigsmile*
52
52
Review of To my daughter  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3* Welcome to Writing.com!!! *Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


Hello, and welcome to the site! Earlier, someone marked their review of this piece to go on the public review page. I saw said review and just had to open this piece! So that's how I found you!

Wow, you have a gift for imagery and description. Is this a true-to-life piece? If so, it breaks my heart. If not, you have a great talent for capturing the emotions that run true here. This piece hits only slightly close to home; my sister had a baby at 17 and chose to gave it up for adoption. In that case, my mom wanted her to keep it, with my mom's help, and my sister chose to put the child up for adoption. But the whole situation was painful for everyone involved.

Anyway, your story. I love the way you start out with the new mom blaming the other person - her father? her boyfriend? - and then catching herself with the realization that she made the initial choice nine months prior.

There are a few places that I would try to be less wordy. One that really stood out was this sentence. Like an oppressive weight, I can feel his disapproval hanging in the air. I think it would stregnthen the image to say something more like, His disapproval hung in the air like an oppressive weight. In the second version, it isn't spoken of as a perception but as a fact. There are not many spots in the piece that I would suggest changing, but that one really stood out.

I always recommend that you take advantage of the genres and choose three to list your story under. Here's the why: when someone on the site is looking for something to read, they often search by genre. By clicking on the genre they desire, they come to a list of items in that genre (or they can search for something specific). When you select three genres, your item is put on three lists - one for each genre. Right now, you are on no lists. When you increase your exposure, you increase your number of readers, and thus your number of reviewers. More exposure is good. Three to consider: parenting, drama, emotional. That's off the top of my head; you can look through the list and make your own decisions.

Otherwise, great piece. It is well written and heart-wrenching.
Write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

53
53
Review of Dance  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3* Welcome to Writing.com!!! *Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


Hi! I found this piece on the public reviewing page and decided to take a look.

*Leaf1*From a technical perspective: I found no spelling, punctuation, or spacing errors. I would consider changing your genres so that you have three, rather than just one. You see, when you select a genre, it puts your item on a list. When you select three genres - three lists! When people want to read something of a certain genre, they check the list (off the item jumps button at the top left). The more lists you are on, the more readers you will attract. More readers = more reviewers. So I would recommend that you always chooose three genres, and that you never select 'other', because no one ever visits that list!

Similarly, I would cut the part about 'drabble' and just let your brief description read The oldest dance in human history.

*Leaf5*In terms of content: You did a good job of including a lot of imagery in a short space. I agree with the last reader; you should at least move them out of the living room (though I suppose the couch could be in the bedroom. Still, you did a great job with this flash fiction.

Write on!
SG

*Leaf3*Overall:



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

54
54
Review of She Is Yours  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi! I found this story via the public review page. Interestingly enough, as I scrolled down to open up the Review Tool, I saw your post-story comment. It definitely piqured my interest! (And, as part of the review, you did a good job with the color change, which set it apart and caught the eye as intended! *Wink*)

I am neurotic about grammatical changes, but that has never been the entire intent of my review. I am going to give you any errors I see (and I am writing this pre-review, as a head's up), but I won't be offended if you decide not to take any of the suggestions I made. I would rather tell you something you know than not tell you something you would otherwise prefer to change. But, as I said, that is not the entire focus of the review. And I've already been warned it may be tossed. *Bigsmile*


*Leaf1*From a technical perspective: Although it isn't expressly technical, I like your title and brief description. They really drew me into the story, and they were both well crafted. There was nothing obvious or repetitive about them. I also like your brief intro and the way you linked to your other myth.

See, all that about typos, and there were none here! This was a very polished piece. I see now that it is more than a few years old. And yet recently updated. This lets me know you are constantly polishing it, and taking into account feedback you recieve.

*Leaf5*In terms of content: I'm going to do the line-by-line picking I noticed as I read through the story, before a between-the-lines approach.

Although Horus's palace was a palace of light and life, she preferred it here, in her brother's palace in the underworld, in the land of shadow. A little repetitive. I would consider maybe changing the second 'palace' to 'one', as in one of light and life.

You also repeat this statement That her family had healed itself. somewhat here Perhaps, her family truly had healed. It is kind of confusing because first you say that they were healed, and then you say maybe they really were. So now we are not certain as to the status of the healing. Does that make sense?

After the great fight against Yamm, when Horus the king, and Set, and the foreign goddess Astarte, had defeated the wicked god who threatened to hold them all prisoner, she had had a visitor. This sentence is a little confusing. Part of it, of course, is the introduction of a lot of unfamiliar people. But I'm also not clear about the action in the first part. Is Yamm the wicked god who threatened to hold them all prisoner? Who is 'them all'? And then you have the added element of the visitor. I think that the action that happened before is so complex that you might want to give it its own sentence. Or, you could break it into two. Such as: After the great fight against Yamm, she had had a visitor. She had been rejoicing over the fact that Horus the king, and Set, and the foreign goddess Astarte, had defeated the wicked god who threatened to hold them all prisoner. Now, that is very rough, just cut and paste, but you could clean it up and smooth it out. Now we know the series of events AND what those events were. Also, you'd obviously have to smooth that into the rest of the paragraph, but I think that should be easy for you, as you are a very good writer.

Some of your sentences are kind of long and hard to follow. You try to pack too much into them, IMO. For instance, here: He had come to her at night, and the moment she had felt someone touch her as she lay sleeping in her bed, she had panicked, expecting an attack when she was most vulnerable. I would really make He had come to her at night a sentence by itself.

out of disbelief, that her eyes must be fooling her. She is actually having the belief that her eyes are fooling her, right? So these two parts sort of contradict each other. I would just use one or the other, and probably stick to the disbelief.

You do like to repeat the word 'palace'. You have kind of a fix on it in the paragraph beginning with As she played the harp and the next one. I would probably cut the second part and just She hoped Set would return soon, though she had no reason to believe he wouldn't. I would also cut the third one, and make it turned her head toward the entry, seeing the guard (or you could even replace 'entry' with 'doorway' or 'gateway', depending on the context).

Nephthys blinked. A visitor? Another one? This she hadn't expected, either. The last sentence is unneccessary. You have already established that she almost never gets visitors, and then you show her confusion.

Whoever waited for her sat upon a small ornate stool near the table where she kept a jug of wine. Because you take so long to have Nephthys recognize the person, I would add something to the effect that they were 'veiled in darkness' or 'sitting in the shadows', to give a reason beyond the delay.

Girl, Astarte thought Very strange to intrude on Astarte's thoughts, when we have been so long and so primarily in Nephthys' mind. Especially since we later find that she already knew it was a girl.

Nephthys retreated to find something for the baby to feed upon. Okay, this is confusing. Does she just have a bottle in her room? Where does she retreat to? You make it seem like it took only a moment, but if she left the room, more time would have passed. I think you brushed over this far too quickly. In fact, in amazement, I'm not altogether sure she would have started to feed the baby immediately. She might have held or bounced her, or gazed at her, but it seems that you would want to figure out what, exactly, is going on before practicality kicks in. Especially since Astarte had the baby to begin with.

Okay, between the lines. This is a very good tale. I am not altogether certain it qualifies as a myth, but only because it is so in depth and personal. That said, you have really drawn us into the story. There were a couple of points I was not clear on, but the overall writing was so well done that I could continue reading and not be seriously impacted in most cases. One sticking point: I sort of assumed that, since Nephthys was in the underworld, she was some sort of goddess herself. I'm not sure it was ever clearly stated whether she was mortal or immortal, although near the end, she seemed to be more on the mortal side. But it was that assumption that made the whole problem of conception hard to swallow.

I think all of your scenes worked well together. There was a lot of flashbacking in the beginning, but it meshed smoothly into the contemplation, so it was well done (okay, mostly just one big flashback). I think they were well written.

One sticking point I had. Um, did the goddess put the baby on the floor? That doesn't quite seem like a good plan. I could almost see her, goddess that she is, drawing the child either out of the air or have been mysteriously holding it in her arms/arm (you can cradle a newborn or young baby in one arm if you are very careful, which one would assume a goddess would be), covered by her sleeves, dress, sash, blanket, etc.

The time also seems a bit off. The implication was that Set came to her soon after the battle, and that wasn't long ago. But then there is the fact that he went to Astarte first, and THEN another nine months of conception and THEN the baby isn't a newborn! So I went from thinking this all happened in close proximity (which I think was sort of implied in the writing) to realizing some time must have passed. Unless, of course, a goddess and her child conceive and/or grow up faster than a human - a possiblity.

*Leaf3*Overall: This is a great fantasy story with a lot of emotional detail. I enjoyed reading it. I won't make any false promises to check on others *Wink*, but let's just say I won't be disappointed if one of them happens to "pop up" on my radar. Whether I cause the "popping up" or not.

Keep up the great work, and write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

55
55
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3* Welcome to Writing.com!!! *Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


This is a beautiful and touching tribute. I like the imagery in your description. Just a few thoughts that occurred to me as I read through.

What he perceived of this place was entirely different from that which I viewed. I would use a word that is stronger or more detailed than 'this place'. You've already used the phrase in your son's question, and then used 'place' again in the third sentence. At a minimum, you could use something bland like 'the scene' or 'the view', but you have an opportunity to make a really powerful connection to draw readers further in.

The shallow pool was not there, only to be replaced by a crater This doesn't flow. Either cut 'only' or change it to 'the shallow pool was gone'.

and seemingly, life. Use a comma after 'and'. If you want a sharper break (which I'd recommend), use hyphens. and - seemingly - life.

Overall, you do a wonderful job with imagery and with capturing emotion. Very well done! Welcome to the site!
Write on!
SG
56
56
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I found this on the public reviewing page. It is a great piece! Did you really write each segment in two minutes? I might move the explanation from your brief description down and write it at the top (or bottom) of each piece in italics. Did you do any cleanup/editing after the writing?

I have a hard time digesting the meaning because I get so caught up in the clever rhyming! I am not a big poetry reviewer, so I don't know if that is a plus or a minus...*Bigsmile* Rather than feeling forced like some poems do, your rhymes really do flow very smoothly; they trip off the tounge. This is a poem that was made to be read outloud! If it weren't for that last section, it would definitely make a good kids poem, just because it is so fun! In fact, I might just print out the first two sections for my 6 year old to read, because I know she would just love the way it rhymes.

When I stopped and actually processed what I was reading, rather than just enjoying the ride, I can see that you do have good focus, which is especially incredible for a two minute constraint. I was expecting more stream-of-thought. I like how each stanza has a particular focus/theme that it covers without being repetative.

I really enjoyed this poem. I even liked your use of colorful text, and I'm usually a plain-black-for-static-items kind of girl. I think the colors and the font both fit with this fun little poem! No spelling or punctuation problems that I saw, very clean, etc.

Overall, great work!
Write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
57
57
Review of Sawing Logs  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


Hi, and welcome to the site! I am giving you a somewhat more in-depth review than I am giving most newbies. This is because I can tell that you have a lot of talent. So please don't be discouraged or dismayed, because I love your article. You have wonderful talent as a writer, and so these are all the tiny pickings with the hope of moving your article from...I was going to say 'good to great,' but that doesn't quite work. More like 'great to awesome,' I think. If you had other stories or articles in your portfolio, I would be reviewing them, too!

*Note1* From a technical perspective:

rumblings that sometimes accompany slumber, commonly dubbed snores, weave their way I would consider using either - or () rather than commas here to "break out" the clause 'commonly dubbed snores'.

You use 'can not' instead of 'cannot' on several occasions.

Of course the products of that union snore, it's genetically impossible for them not to. This is a run-on sentence; I would use a semi-colon rather than a comma.

Amusingly even the family pet Comma after 'amusingly', although I might strike it altogether; the humor is obvious from the statement.

the almighty Capitalize 'Almighty' if referring to God here.

It's genetic; it's inevitable and likely to get worse Since this is a list, I would do two things; I would change the semicolon to a comma, and I would add 'it's' before 'likely'. It's genetic, it's inevitable, and it's likely to get worse

*Note1* In terms of content:

I really love the imagery you use from your very first line. It really drew me into the piece. Your word choice is very precisely done, and I could immediately tell that this was a piece I would enjoy.

I can not recall an evening when they did not sing me to sleep and it is a likely thing I was lulled to sleep by Mama's snoring The repetition of 'to sleep' is a bit awkward. I would consider cutting it the second time.

she then revved both when inhaling and exhaling I would consider switching the order of 'both' and 'when'; ie she then revved when both inhaling and exhaling It just changes the flow of the story.

Sooner or later, an episode of sputtering would reset everything and the cycle would start all over again. I love this image!

Every evening for the edification of all, he would procure a large, heavy plumber's chain, which he would then drag slowly and deliberately through some invisible toilet. Obviously, such profound snoring was only necessary on the inhale, more would be superfluous and have no purpose. These two sentences were a little confusing. I had to read the first one twice before I realized that the 'chain' was like the earlier 'engine' image; relating to the snoring. Perhaps you could insert 'unseen' somewhere in the description of the chain? That would make it a little heavy on the adjectives, so it might take a little bit of shifting...I'm not completely sure how I would revise it. But I'll leave that to you; enough to know that it was a little confusing. The second one...I'm still not sure I follow it. I had to read it several times and after that, I only think I see what you mean. Part of the problem is the fact that you have two sentences functioning as one - changing the comma to a semicolon would solve the disjointedness. But the meaning is still a little hard to follow.

the household would tune its breathing to the tempo created by Daddy Oh, this whole paragraph is great! It makes me think of the Johnny Cash song...I keep hearing, "Daddy sang bass (Momma sang tenor)..." I don't know if you've ever heard that song, but it just popped right into my head here!

waiting for our fearless leader to breathe. Usually he started breathing again once he woke up or was hit by Mama. This is also awesome! The repeat of 'breathe/breathing' is a little awkward. I might consider dropping the second one and just leaving it as Usually he started up again (with or without the up).

It was of course destined that I should also snore and after years of having been told as much, I woke one night to the sound of a small invisible sewing machine running in my bed. I love this whole thing, but I think you are packing too much into one sentence. I would consider stopping at 'snore'

This changed the sound to that of a cranky diesel engine coupled with the sputtering of his lips on the exhale. I'm not sure that 'changed' is quite right here, because his sound wasn't exactly like dear old dad's. But definitely another great image!

He would also inhale in stages, which destroyed any hope of rest at that point. I would change 'which destroyed' to 'destroying', which runs a little smoother. I would also merge this paragraph with the one that follows, as This is the only type of snore I can not abide is a natural continuation of the thought, not a seperate one.

While not the reason for the divorce that came later, it does please me that his replacement wife has to hear it and not I. This sentence is also a little choppy.

The youngest, being young A little repetitive.

sounds like a bee You have such awesome imagery; why not 'buzzes like a bee'?

my sleeping family. It is a perk of belonging to a snoring family Repetition of 'family' here is a little awkward.

without having to check. Technically, just listening is checking. For accuracy, you could put 'without getting out of bed' or something.

This minuscule slip of a child can disturb the sleep of entire villages, change air pressure and cause unnatural animal migrations. *Bigsmile*

*Note1* Overall: You are a remarkably talented writer, and I look forward to reading other items as you post them in your portfolio. You have a gift for imagery, and a great wit. Welcome to the site, and keep up the awesome work!

By the way, I almost never post five stars; I reserve them for the best of the best. With that said, I think this just needs a few minor tweaks to hit a five! This is extremely written. Let me know when you've revised it, and I'd be glad to come back and change my rate.

Welcome to the site, and write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
58
58
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


Hi, and welcome to the site! This looks like it will shape up into an interesting story. Just a few suggestions to encourage more folks to read other stories in your port.

I would really suggest waiting to post the finished product online. I usually write my stories or poetry in a word document, and then do the last read-through (to clear up spelling and grammar mistakes. Otherwise, you will have people come in and review midstory (like me!), and you may not get as a high an R&R as you would for the finished product. That said, when you are finished, feel free to email me, and I'd be glad to come back and re-review, and change my rating as needed. But some people won't do that.

This story looks like it is shaping up to be interesting. I can't wait to see what happens and why they can't get into the pool!

Write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
59
59
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


Hi, and welcome to Writing.com! I hope you enjoy your time on our site!

This was an interesting piece! It doesn't look quite as though you have finished it yet, so you may consider labeling it as 'draft' until you do. Another option is to write your story in Word or another writing program (where you can save it and make edits), and then post the finished item online. This makes it a bit easier to read, and more likely you will get more folks visiting your port frequently.

Just a few thoughts for when you do your final cleanup. Make sure you include a space after your period, and run a spellcheck. Also, try not to start so many sentences with the word 'so'. It is a bit off-putting. I would also consider not putting 'well um' in your story.

Otherwise, it looks like it will shape up to an interesting story. I can't wait to see what Mike Meyers does to scare you. He can scare me on a good day! *Wink*

Again, welcome to the site! I look forward to reading more of your stories!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
60
60
Review of The Talent Pond  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This looks like a great group, and I wish you the best with it. I can see that you have several items and group projects going on, and you have done a good job of listing and explaining them. I found no technical errors (spelling, spacing, etc) in this section. I also enjoyed your use of WritingML - you didn't overdo it, but used it to your advantage. Great job.

On a side note, I found you by following the link at "The Official Mod Review Blitz! [E].

Keep up the great work!
SG
61
61
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a hysterical piece! I found it on the public review page. It is almost completely error free. In fact, the only problems I found are very minute, punctuational errors.

“Please Dad; I don’t want to talk about them.” I would consider using a comma instead of a semicolon. Techinically, the semicolon works, but there is no need for the full stop it requires. A comma would keep the piece flowing.

You’re 26, and single. I would consider removing the comma. Again, it's not an error per se, but it slows the flow of the piece.

to ah… to ah... to ah?” Try to...ah...to...ah...to...ah...?" Also, you need a quote " rather than an apostrophe ' at the beginning of that sentence, and a set of quotes " before the next line of dialogue.

In your brief description, hyphenate father-son. also, I'm thinking minicourse rather than mini course in the title.

In terms of content, though, this is brilliant. I like both the dialogue and the irony. Here we have this highly-educated communication specialist who is essentially failing to communiate. He and his dad are talking past each other. (This might explain why his dad is teaching him about the birds and the bees at 26, and why he's still single, LOL.) This is great.

A well written piece that could use just a bit more polishing!
Write on!
SG
62
62
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


I saw your post in "Invalid Item and decided to swing by. Welcome aboard!

*Note1* From a technical perspective: I would consider going ahead and capitalizing the word 'i' in the piece. Otherwise, it reads more like a text message than like a poem. Also, you wrote id instead of I'd. I found no punctuation or spacing problems.

*Note1* In terms of content: I like the nostalgic walk you take, but I would consider adding a little more. You talk about remembering but never refer to why you no longer do these things. This leaves you sort of hanging, with no conclusion. Otherwise, I think you do a good job of creating a nostalgic piece.

*Note1* Overall: This makes me remember my teen days, when I had a crush on some poor guy. I used to ride my bike out of the way, two streets over, just to ride past his house. Lots of calls. Great reminiscent tone.

Welcome to the site, and write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
63
63
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


This is an interesting piece.

*Note1* From a technical perspective: This feels less like a poem and more like prose. Poetry tends to have more line breaks, while prose maintains the regular lines as you have them. I would consider either revising the form or changing the type to 'prose'. I found no spelling, punctuation, or spacing errors.

*Note1* In terms of content: I liked some of the imagery you use, like Light is but a brief intermission to the darkness. Your piece feels a little wordy, and I would consider trying to find a way to tighten it. You rely a lot on the passive voice, but in both poetry and prose, every word needs to make an impact, and the passive voice should be few and far between (passive voice = is, was, were, etc).

For instance, instead of I've eaten but I'm still hungry (the passive been 'am', and the 'have' being also weak). Try to find a stronger, more definitive way to make your point. An example - which is probably not the point you want to get across but which will hopefully give you an idea of what sort of structure I mean - would be I've feasted, but hunger still consumes me. Still uses the 'have' but makes the second part stronger. You could also say After feasting if you prefer.

By the way, this keeps the Words with which we speak (from being) ephemeral and bland *Wink*

*Note1* Overall: You have some great contrasts. Tightening them will make your poetry/prose stronger and more effective.

Welcome to the site, and write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
64
64
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


This is obviously a very emotional and personal piece. I know that hearing any criticism about a piece so close to your heart can be painful. However, you have a number of errors that can easily be cleaned up, allowing the pain to shine through more clearly and improving the experience for your readers.

*Note1* From a technical perspective: I am not sure why you have this listed as a 'sample'. I would consider it to be more of an 'essay', or a 'letter'; perhaps a 'monologue' or 'prose'. I think these would fit the type a little better and thus help you find more readers.

You have several spelling and punctuation errors.

much of it's magic its

i began Capitalize 'I'

How many more days will pass without you in my life. Questions need a question mark at the end, not a period

lovedisengaged

It may seem like to much right now 'too' not 'to'

where are you now, in Heaven, on Earth? Capitalize 'where'

How will I endure the fire in my heart and the tears in my eyes. Questions need ?

In silent my heart hides Do you mean 'silence'? You use 'silent' again in the next sentence or two, several times.

*Note1* In terms of content: As I said, this is obviously a very emotional piece. These can sometimes be very painful to even edit, and what is obvious to you is not so obvious to your readers. However, as the writer who is posting something to share (rather than writing simply for yourself), it is your responsibility to make sure there is at least some form of clarity.

Most of the problems you have come in the form of your sentence structure. You have a lot of sentence fragments and run-on sentences, which make reading and comprehending much more difficult. I've tried to list most of them below. There were also several unclear points which I've again tried to list for you.

much of it's magic that so delighted at one time. Your first sentence is a little confusing, which is never a good thing. You don't say who your heart delighted; I would include the subject (yourself, people, cats, whatever). Also, if you are going to talk about it delighting, I would change 'its' to 'the'.

i began to realize that is you could remove the anger and hurt that I have caused you This sentence does not make sense; do you mean 'if you'?

No one but you would think and speak as you do, I am enchanted by what you say because it is you who say it. This is a run-on sentence. Either split it in two or change the comma to a semicolon.

but I would like to consider various options This is odd. You want yourself to consider options? From what else you have said, it sounds like you want 'you' to consider options. IE but I would like for you to consider various options

Willing to forgive me only if you can be assured that if you forgive me I will change. This is a fragment and I'm not sure what you mean by it. Also, it seems like a deal is being struck, which contradicts the next line, Forgiveness is not a bargain or negotiation.

Forgiveness is a risk, we don't know what the result of forgiveness will be. Run-on sentence.

I have made some adjustments for the sake of clarity. I don't understand what you mean by this. It sticks out of the section it is in. Do you mean adjustments as in changes to yourself? I would add a 'in myself' or 'in my attitude' or 'in my' whatever is the problem here.

I didn't feel capable at the time, it seemed to much what I was trying to get away from. Run-on

looking for justification for my torn and broken heart. This is a sentence fragment. Also, the first word in the sentence needs to be capitalized.

for I feel no space for me in your heart, another removal from reality. I'm not sure what is meant by 'another removal from reality'. This is a great premise but could use some development and clarity.

When I leave your heart I feel lonely, I look into your heart again and again. Run-on sentence.

When I peer more closely at your heart I lose confidence in what I am seeing, I disappear into the shadows, swallowed up into darkness. Run-on sentence.

Only if your emotions and feelings were not banished but transformed into love that will heal my broken heart. This is a fragment. Only what? It is unclear and hard to follow.

Suffering is placed immediately before my heart, my heart twists in agony, heaving with pain. Run-on sentence

In silent my heart hides, no longer can it look upon love, with my sorrowing eyes the tears try and wash away the pain. Run-on sentence.

Finally, I would highly recommend breaking this into paragraph form. It will help you organize it a bit more, and make the reading clearer. You tend to jump around, from one subject to the next and back to the first, which makes it very very hard to understand what you mean. A great piece on paragraph formation (not my own) is "How To Write A Good Paragraph [E]

*Note1* Overall: This is a piece filled with raw emotion. The pain you are experiencing is evident in every word.

Welcome to the site, and write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
65
65
Review of Subtracting  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


I like the way you combine the mathmatics with life.

*Note1* From a technical perspective: I found no punctuation or spacing errors. You have a few misspellings/wrong words, I believe, although I'm not completely certain.

Maestro of the coorte Do you mean 'courte'? You definitely want your brief description to have the correct spelling, or folks will be less inclined to read it.

the quite square Do you mean 'quiet', as in 'silent'?

*Note1* In terms of content: I like the multiplicity and subtraction in the context of this poem. I'm not sure that sort of mood was set by the first half, however, which conveys a serenity rather than a rushed hurriedness of the sort one would subtract oneself from. The two different moods creates an interesting contrast but the transition between the two is a bit awkward.

You do a great job of conveying a calm and peaceful perspective with phrases such as closed eyes, white skirts. The way you break up your stanzas maintains a smooth flow, but the content itself is difficult to follow.

*Note1* Overall: I like the serene mood conveyed with the initial imagery.

Welcome to the site, and write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
66
66
Review of Confession  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


What an interesting poem from a unique perspective!

*Note1* From a technical perspective: I found no spelling, spacing, or punctuation errors. I would label this a 'poem', rather than 'other'; you'll get more hits from poetry readers, for one. You can't search for an 'other' to read if you are browsing by type, so you are seriously limiting your exposure, and the more exposure you get, the more reads (and reviews) you get. I would consider changing the brief description so as not to give away the conclusion; I think your last line does it well. Instead, consider either a description of the sentiment, or using a line from your poem.

*Note1* In terms of content: This is definitely from a unique perspective. I am curious why you chose a fly; I don't recall flies being overly attracted to fire, whereas moths seem to be better known for the habit. Unless there is something missing, I think you might do better to go with the moth, which is not known for its love of manure. <shudder>

You use 'her' at one point, which differs from the 'thy' used throughout the rest of the poem. This is awkward and confusing.

You say Thou is the theme In reality, you would say 'you are', or, more archaically, thou art the theme. (which you do in the next line anyway)

my paths leads lead

I see now, on second examination, the use of fire and fly outside of the actual subjects of the poem. That is interesting, but I think to be used effectively, you might consider spacing and/or developing that more.

*Note1* Overall: This is a great poem of the fatal relationship, with some interesting reflections involved.

Write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
67
67
Review of Untitled4  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


This is an interesting, if somewhat grisly, poem about a failed relationship.

*Note1* From a technical perspective: I would seriously reconsider the title. A title is supposed to draw your reader in, make the poem stand out. Right now, there are 593 pieces labeled 'untitled' on this site, and I wouldn't be surprised to find that few of them are rated. The title and the brief description are the first glimpse your reader has of the piece, and will make them decide whether to open it or not. Use this opportunity to draw them in.

Use the genre selections the same way. I recommend picking out three genres that are applicable, because this maximizes the exposure. Say I wanted to read some poetry; I cannot pick the genre 'other' and so would never stumble across - or read, or review - your poem. By using all three genres, you increase your chances of getting read. Some applicable ones might be relationship, women's, emotional, drama, tragedy, death...browse the list and find three that work for you.

I found no spelling errors. It looks like you have chosen to refrain from capitalization or punctuation, which can be standard in poetry. Interesting.

the reapers cue reaper's

*Note1* In terms of content: This was definitely a bleak poem. The images you have created are rather morbid, not your quintessential 'love' poetry. I like the way you have chosen them, and would love to see you further develop them, make them more concrete and thus more visual. I think expanding on those images would further underline and incorporate the pain you are suffering. For instance, your eyes suffering rot. I mean, that could be expanded on, developed so much further...decaying eyes, crumbling lenses, what that would mean. And so on. Poetry especially is about creating a picture, an image of the emotion experienced. Stronger, more concrete images, especially those relating to the subject, would strengthen the impact of the writing. (For instance, linking the death/decay of the eyes to not beholding ones 'beloved'.)

*Note1* Overall: I love the way you have incorporated the death fixation with this 'love' poem. You have some unique images that can truly be fantastic.

Keep up the good work, and write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
68
68
Review of Ode to You  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


This is a poem filled with anger and pain. You have some great images within the piece.

*Note1* From a technical perspective: I found no spelling or spacing error. It was a little awkward to read the questions without question marks, but punctuation in poetry can be very subjective, so I hesitate to call it an error. I also don't like the way the question marks stand out visually in a poem, so....

*Note1* In terms of content: As I said, this is a poem filled with both pain and anger. You have some good images, but I think they could use a little further development.

speak more that then three words of love I am not sure what you mean by this. Do you perhaps mean 'than' rather than 'then'? That would make more sense, I suppose.

I can’t even begin to put the hatred I feel for you in words And yet you are composing a poem on the subject. I think this is sort of self-contradicting, and I would consider trying to find a stronger way to state it. Also, from here you go on to say You peck and annoy me like a bird. 'Annoy' is so much weaker than 'hate' and it robs you of the passion you had previously, weakening your perspective. I think this is a great image, but that it could be heightened, made stronger. Take that pecking bird and develop the image and description a little further, more of a Like a bird (maybe a woodpecker?), you chisel away at my heart kind of image. Go further into how the 'pecking' affects you.

I can’t describe the pain I feel when hear your name Again, in the midst of a poem, self-contradictory.

You also ask a lot of questions. Consider making statements instead, which would strengthen and tighten your language. Develop your images a little more, make them concrete, solid, things that stick out in our mind, things we can compare to pain, grief, and anguish.

*Note1* Overall: You have taken some interesting images - I particularly like the bird - to develop the negative feelings you have in this poem. It certainly has a great deal of potential!

Welcome to the site, and write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
69
69
Review of Lies  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


Welcome to your site! What an interesting, image-filled poem!

*Note1* From a technical perspective: I found no spelling or punctuation errors to mar this piece. I would suggest single-spacing in a poem, rather than doublespacing; save the doublespacing for between stanzas. It makes it easier to read onscreen.

Also, I would suggest choosing three genres. I noticed that, as yet, the poem is unrated. When you don't select a genre, you limit how much exposure your item gets. By chosing three, you have put it in three places for folks who are browsing to find it. You'll notice that you can't search for the genre 'other', which is the default.

*Note1* In terms of content: I love the image a fence of glass, not one you generally hear. You have a lot of other great images and descriptions.

*Note1* Overall: This is definitely a bleak poem, one that conveys a lot of pain and heartache.

Keep up the great work!
Write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
70
70
Review of Imagination?  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


Wow, what a story! I love the archaic tone and feeling you maintain throughout the piece.

*Note1* From a technical perspective: I would highly recommend doublespacing between paragraphs for anything you post online. It makes it easier on the eyes, and helps bring in more readers. I found no spelling or punctuation errors.

the old song drifted I would go ahead and make this its own sentence, and thus capitalize 'the'

*Note1* In terms of content: Wow, what a story! There is so much observational detail and little action, especially through the first 75% of the tale. Generally, this is a negative, but the tone you used fit the description so aptly that it pulled together nicely. It reminds me of a Jane Austin novel.

A few notes as I read:

I heard one of the plump, confidential women beside me whisper loudly to her neighbour I absolutely love the way you include this detail, but the timing seems a bit startling. Your narrator sounds like someone who doesn't listen to gossip. Perhaps hearing Ann's name draws attention? Otherwise, this is just a bit too coincidental for someone who usually tunes out.

Her eyes grew wide and she remonstrated for a moment, then flashed a good-humoured smile, and her eyes filled with warmth and good nature, as though she were dismissing his accusation as a joke. There is a little too much detail in this sentence. I'd consider breaking it in two; otherwise it becomes hard to follow.

I thought that I perceived a hint of caution, perhaps the combination of 'thought' and 'perhaps' makes this doubly vague; I'd pick one or the other.

I looked away to avoid staring Since we don't seem to have a problem with staring, perhaps you are just trying to avoid being caught staring.

I am curious as to the guest's fixation on Anne. What made him/her (I think him but it is never made clear) turn so much attention? I would like to see a little more, some type of curiousity, something that would call for the attention, even if it were only basic attraction. After all, it has been noted that Anne Grantham was an attractive girl, but nothing particularly out of the ordinary. So what is up with the hynotized guest? A curiousity, a suspicion, rumors heard, what? This is really the only negative in the tale; nothing accounts for the narrators primary actions.

I was amazed at how well you pulled the story together, considering how much was solely observation. As I mentioned, the tone is nontraditional (or, perhaps, extremely traditional, LOL), and the limited action would normally be a downer. But your exceptional talent at painting a picture draws the reader in.

I would generally mention this under the 'technical' section of the review, but I want to put it here. The title and brief description don't fit the piece at all. I would seriously consider renaming it, something to give a feel for the tone you set (like, The Grantham Dinner, even, would help set the tone). I would also recommend a more fitting brief description, something with the same voice and tone to describe the story. Or, a sample - I would consider using the line Anne Grantham was an attractive girl, but nothing particularly out of the ordinary. It's just such a fitting line (and somewhat reminiscent of the first line of Gone With the Wind), and captures the mood and tone. I think either one would draw in more readers interested in the piece and tone.

*Note1* Overall: This is a fantastic story. You have a gift for imagery and the archaic tone, and are consistant in maintaining the same feel throughout the story.

Keep up the fantastic work!
Write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
71
71
Review of Last Ride In 1959  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3* Welcome to Writing.com!!! *Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


Welcome to the site! I saw your posting on "Invalid Item and decided to check out your portfolio. I see you've been quite prolific since you joined the site! *Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

*Note1* From a technical perspective: I found no spelling errors, and only one punctuation problem.

“How fast do you think this piece of crap can go T-man?” You need a paragraph break here when you start new dialogue. You also need a comma after 'go'

*Note1* In terms of content: This is an interesting story, albeit somewhat predictable in the ending. I like the way you show the contrast of all three characters, but having three guys introduced in such a short space makes it difficult to follow with who is who. The information comes a bit fast, and the addition of Tommy's nickname mixes up the confusion. I would consider just calling him one name or the other throughout the whole piece, since it is so short.

Part of flash fiction is keeping the piece tight, so look out for unnecessarily wordy spots, such as Tommy commanded as he pushed the gas pedal to the floor. You could shorten this a touch and make it tighter by just Tommy commanded, pushing the gas pedal to the floor. Flash fiction needs to be super-tight and concise, so look at other places where things can be trimmed back some.

Also, the whole portion about the sign is outside any of the three boys perspective. I think you can achieve the same end by deleting that whole paragraph and leading us to the obvious conclusion. Or, to heighten the suspense and the surprise, you could add a comment at the end about The smear of beer from Tommy's can dripped from the words BRIDGE OUT, if you really wanted to let us know what happened, although I don't think it's altogether necessary; the barricade provides the necessary information. You could also have one of the boys remember or state that the bridge is out as they crash through the barricade. This would greatly heighten the suspense in the piece.

On a side note, my cousin was telling me last week about an accident that happened about ten years ago while she was driving...um, she said she wasn't drunk, but whatever. What stood out was the fact that there were no skidmarks, no attempts to stop. It seems like the boys' speedometer wouldn't just suddenly stop because the wheels would continue to go around, getting slower, even as they sunk.

*Note1* Overall: I like the clear illustration you have provided as to what can happen when you 'just want to fit in' - not to mention when you drink and drive. *Thumbsup*

Write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
72
72
Review of Disguise  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


I saw your post in "Invalid Item and opened your port to read. I am not very good at R&Ring poetry, but I will be glad to give you my impressions.

*Note1* From a technical perspective: I found no spelling, punctuation, or spacing errors. Your title seems to fit the poem. I would consider revising your brief description a little bit. The bd functions similarly to the description on the back of a book; it tells you what the story is about, to entice you to pick it up and buy it. In this case, you want to entice folks to open up your item and read. That said, every word counts, and since you have already labeled it a poem, you don't need that part in your bd. The rest of it reads pretty well, so consider just rearranging what you have already.

*Note1* In terms of content: This is definitely an interesting poem, and the idea of reflecting back is definitely intriguing (and some would say, more than fair). I think there are a few spots where you are too vague, however, and it makes it difficult to understand what you are saying. The clearest portion comes in your last line: Because I did the same thing to you. I would really consider elaborating on that in some way. The most subtle way to do so would be to compare what was done to the narrator with what the narrator did. For instance, You took the treasure,
As I once stole the jewels

I don't know, I stink at poetry, but you get the idea, I hope. Subtly creating a parallel between the two actions. Also, since the 'you' in the poem already felt this way when the narrator did it, this line seems odd I hope someday you feel the same

I'm not sure about the rhyme or meter. You have just enough rhyme to stand out, but it is not consistantly placed, which is confusing. It seems fairly freeverse, but it's difficult to be both free and have rhyme, so the meter is a little off.

*Note1* Overall: You have some great images, and the irony of the piece is readily apparent.

Welcome to the site! Write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
73
73
Review of Fireside Story  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3* Welcome to Writing.com!!! *Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


I saw your post in "Invalid Item and followed the link to your port!

What an interesting story with a surprising ending! I like the imagery you use and the way you incorporate both sound and touch into this tale, senses too many people forget.

*Note1* From a technical perspective: I like your title but I would consider revising your brief description a little more. Remember that the bd is like the back cover of the book - it's what folks use to decide whether to open the piece or not. I would recommend describing the story a little more, what type of ghost story, etc. Such as A haunting figure distracts Tom while he scouts out the paths of the Oregon Trail. Something that doesn't reveal the ending, but draws the reader in.

You didn't have any spelling errors, just a wrong word and a few punctuation problems. You do a good job of consistantly doublespacing between paragraphs. *Thumbsup*

Rain poured down, drenching the man to the skin and his only source of light comma after 'skin'

Now Tom was a practical man comma after 'now'

Tom had been away form the wagon from

as Tom Jones fearfully scouted I don't think you need his last name, as you gave it earlier. It makes the sentence cumbesome and awkward.

routs routes

*Note1* In terms of content: I like this story, although I think that expanding on Tom's character would make the story more interesting. For instance, until we reached the next to last paragraph, I didn't realize he had a family; I figured he was a lone bachelor on the trail. This is a crucial detail that would certainly have had us pining. Also, any references to warnings received by previous travelers would help heighten the suspense. As it is, we fear only slightly (since he is a hardened traveler) for his physical body, not so much for his spiritual/mental self. Allowing both the character and the scene to develop further would make us more connected to the story and thus more disrupted by the outcome.

*Note1* Overall: This was a great story, full of suspense and imagery.

Welcome to the site and write on!
SG


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
74
74
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3* Welcome to Writing.com!!! *Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


Okay, okay, you don't need a welcome, but since you're helping newbies, I figured it would work! *Bigsmile*

*Note1* From a technical perspective: I really like the newbie image! *Laugh* Those are some adorable babies!

*Note1* In terms of content: What an interesting way to help newbies learn! I like this challenge! Simple, yet effective!

I do have to say, that is the broadest definition of newbie I have yet to see! I do love the great spread of choices for the challenges.

You have a lot of forums and activites for newbies. These are all great, very helpful, but you have so many, it's possible to be overwhelmed.

I love how your reviewing committee says they will review a newbie written item. That is another awesome way to help. Fantastic!

*Note1* Overall: This is a great forum. I love the way you help newbies with the walkthrough, and a challenge to encourage them. *Thumbsup**Thumbsup* Keep up the fantastic work!

Write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
75
75
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (5.0)
RAOK is a fantastic group, so of course this is a great forum. I am surprised that I didn't R&R this in the past, since I think I posted and received an upgrade from this wonderful group. However, it is possible that my upgrade came from <gasp> elsewhere; it's been nearly 3 years now. <sighs fondly>

Anyway, this is a great forum with a fantastic aim.

*Note1* From a technical perspective: Not surprisingly, I found no obvious or major errors. With a piece this old and examined, pretty much every error has been cleaned up, and the whole forum sparkles like it's been well polished.

That said....I did notice a teeny tiny discrepency. It looks like different 'user' tags were used for Papillon /Writing.Com Support and gailey . Okay, so it's nitpicky, but Gaily is the only one who gets pretty pretty numbers after their name. Also, for some reason, there are ***s before Papillon's name. ??? Perhaps this is just to set it apart since it is a history, but you might consider a pretty WritingML star, just so it doesn't look like part of the handle?

Otherwise, the forum was perfect, and it's not like it's a major error.

*Note1* In terms of content: This is a clear, simple forum. The rules are posted and visible. Help is given on how to post user names for any newbies. The fact that asking doesn't guarentee reciept is made plain. The logos are great, and credit is given for them.

*Note1* Overall: I love the generosity and giving spirit of this forum, and of this group. Keep up the fantastic work!

Write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
326 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 14 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/scottiegaz/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3