Hi! I found this story via the public review page. Interestingly enough, as I scrolled down to open up the Review Tool, I saw your post-story comment. It definitely piqured my interest! (And, as part of the review, you did a good job with the color change, which set it apart and caught the eye as intended! )
I am neurotic about grammatical changes, but that has never been the entire intent of my review. I am going to give you any errors I see (and I am writing this pre-review, as a head's up), but I won't be offended if you decide not to take any of the suggestions I made. I would rather tell you something you know than not tell you something you would otherwise prefer to change. But, as I said, that is not the entire focus of the review. And I've already been warned it may be tossed.
From a technical perspective: Although it isn't expressly technical, I like your title and brief description. They really drew me into the story, and they were both well crafted. There was nothing obvious or repetitive about them. I also like your brief intro and the way you linked to your other myth.
See, all that about typos, and there were none here! This was a very polished piece. I see now that it is more than a few years old. And yet recently updated. This lets me know you are constantly polishing it, and taking into account feedback you recieve.
In terms of content: I'm going to do the line-by-line picking I noticed as I read through the story, before a between-the-lines approach.
Although Horus's palace was a palace of light and life, she preferred it here, in her brother's palace in the underworld, in the land of shadow. A little repetitive. I would consider maybe changing the second 'palace' to 'one', as in one of light and life.
You also repeat this statement That her family had healed itself. somewhat here Perhaps, her family truly had healed. It is kind of confusing because first you say that they were healed, and then you say maybe they really were. So now we are not certain as to the status of the healing. Does that make sense?
After the great fight against Yamm, when Horus the king, and Set, and the foreign goddess Astarte, had defeated the wicked god who threatened to hold them all prisoner, she had had a visitor. This sentence is a little confusing. Part of it, of course, is the introduction of a lot of unfamiliar people. But I'm also not clear about the action in the first part. Is Yamm the wicked god who threatened to hold them all prisoner? Who is 'them all'? And then you have the added element of the visitor. I think that the action that happened before is so complex that you might want to give it its own sentence. Or, you could break it into two. Such as: After the great fight against Yamm, she had had a visitor. She had been rejoicing over the fact that Horus the king, and Set, and the foreign goddess Astarte, had defeated the wicked god who threatened to hold them all prisoner. Now, that is very rough, just cut and paste, but you could clean it up and smooth it out. Now we know the series of events AND what those events were. Also, you'd obviously have to smooth that into the rest of the paragraph, but I think that should be easy for you, as you are a very good writer.
Some of your sentences are kind of long and hard to follow. You try to pack too much into them, IMO. For instance, here: He had come to her at night, and the moment she had felt someone touch her as she lay sleeping in her bed, she had panicked, expecting an attack when she was most vulnerable. I would really make He had come to her at night a sentence by itself.
out of disbelief, that her eyes must be fooling her. She is actually having the belief that her eyes are fooling her, right? So these two parts sort of contradict each other. I would just use one or the other, and probably stick to the disbelief.
You do like to repeat the word 'palace'. You have kind of a fix on it in the paragraph beginning with As she played the harp and the next one. I would probably cut the second part and just She hoped Set would return soon, though she had no reason to believe he wouldn't. I would also cut the third one, and make it turned her head toward the entry, seeing the guard (or you could even replace 'entry' with 'doorway' or 'gateway', depending on the context).
Nephthys blinked. A visitor? Another one? This she hadn't expected, either. The last sentence is unneccessary. You have already established that she almost never gets visitors, and then you show her confusion.
Whoever waited for her sat upon a small ornate stool near the table where she kept a jug of wine. Because you take so long to have Nephthys recognize the person, I would add something to the effect that they were 'veiled in darkness' or 'sitting in the shadows', to give a reason beyond the delay.
Girl, Astarte thought Very strange to intrude on Astarte's thoughts, when we have been so long and so primarily in Nephthys' mind. Especially since we later find that she already knew it was a girl.
Nephthys retreated to find something for the baby to feed upon. Okay, this is confusing. Does she just have a bottle in her room? Where does she retreat to? You make it seem like it took only a moment, but if she left the room, more time would have passed. I think you brushed over this far too quickly. In fact, in amazement, I'm not altogether sure she would have started to feed the baby immediately. She might have held or bounced her, or gazed at her, but it seems that you would want to figure out what, exactly, is going on before practicality kicks in. Especially since Astarte had the baby to begin with.
Okay, between the lines. This is a very good tale. I am not altogether certain it qualifies as a myth, but only because it is so in depth and personal. That said, you have really drawn us into the story. There were a couple of points I was not clear on, but the overall writing was so well done that I could continue reading and not be seriously impacted in most cases. One sticking point: I sort of assumed that, since Nephthys was in the underworld, she was some sort of goddess herself. I'm not sure it was ever clearly stated whether she was mortal or immortal, although near the end, she seemed to be more on the mortal side. But it was that assumption that made the whole problem of conception hard to swallow.
I think all of your scenes worked well together. There was a lot of flashbacking in the beginning, but it meshed smoothly into the contemplation, so it was well done (okay, mostly just one big flashback). I think they were well written.
One sticking point I had. Um, did the goddess put the baby on the floor? That doesn't quite seem like a good plan. I could almost see her, goddess that she is, drawing the child either out of the air or have been mysteriously holding it in her arms/arm (you can cradle a newborn or young baby in one arm if you are very careful, which one would assume a goddess would be), covered by her sleeves, dress, sash, blanket, etc.
The time also seems a bit off. The implication was that Set came to her soon after the battle, and that wasn't long ago. But then there is the fact that he went to Astarte first, and THEN another nine months of conception and THEN the baby isn't a newborn! So I went from thinking this all happened in close proximity (which I think was sort of implied in the writing) to realizing some time must have passed. Unless, of course, a goddess and her child conceive and/or grow up faster than a human - a possiblity.
Overall: This is a great fantasy story with a lot of emotional detail. I enjoyed reading it. I won't make any false promises to check on others , but let's just say I won't be disappointed if one of them happens to "pop up" on my radar. Whether I cause the "popping up" or not.
Keep up the great work, and write on!
SG
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