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Review of Ode to Coffee ...  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3* Welcome to Writing.com!!! *Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


Ooh, this is a funny poem! I'm not a big coffee drinker, but my dad is, and I can see this as very true in his life.

*Note1* From a technical perspective: Your line breaks are appropriate, you double space between stanzas, you have no spelling or punctuation errors that I can see. In short, your piece is technically perfect!

*Note1* In terms of content: This was a cute, and even self-mocking, poem about the morning in the life of a coffee drinker. I like the consistant rhyme and meter; they never felt forced. I stumbled a little over 'ender' but it definitely keeps the flow better than the more aburpt 'end' would have done; it's just not a word that usually pops up (other than in Ender's Game, LOL). Anyway, it was well put together.

It was definitely a light and playful poem. Not a huge amount of depth, no leanings towards becoming 'deep pretentious literary' poem. That said, I don't think a serious, metaphorical, extra-deep poem would have worked for this poem, and I really do love the way you keep it light and playful.

*Note1* Overall: You cover most of the sense, if not all of them, with some great imagery. I like the tone of this poem; it's nice to find something light and frivelous amid many of the more depressed poems on the site. This definitely brought a smile to my face.

Write on!
SG

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Now, this is an interesting story, and quite a play on Frankenstein. A very unique point of view onto a modern-day version. There were a few things I noticed.

*Note1* From a technical perspective: You have no spelling errors, and only a couple of punctuation problems. I would suggest doublespacing between paragraphs. I would also cut out the 'prompt' from the brief description, as it detracts from drawing the reader in and is unnecessary.

The Brisbee’s have had my curious attention Brisbees, since there is no ownership involved.

whose appearances are so sporadic, that trying to describe her This is a comma splice; the comma is unnecessary.

As Sparks were spewing lowercase 'sparks'

*Note1* In terms of content: As I said, the play on Shelly's novel is very subtle, not overt at all. It makes me curious if you are just being clever with the naming, or if this is really supposed to be Victor Frankenstein. Either way is interesting.

There were a few confusing and awkward points in the telling.

At first, it would begin at dusk Since you are referring to 'bright flashes', you should use 'they', not 'it'.

Venturing across the driveway dressed in black, I squirmed on my stomach toward the small, rectangular basement window. Sounds like the driveway is dressed in black, not you. Also, you can't cross the driveway and squirm on your stomach at the same time.

I was fearful the flashing lights would reveal my position, but I made the trip undetected. I approached the window slowly as the lights flashed. Repetition.

*Note1* Overall: A great piece, although I think adding some more detail would help a lot. I'd like to see some more depth to the story, and to be able to relate better to the narrator. As it stands, I don't know if the neighbor is man or woman, adult or child. I'd also like to see the circumstances around the situation made a bit more clear. But this was quite an enjoyable and unique story, and a pleasure to read.

Write on!
SG

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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78
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a great story! This was funny! I found this under the short story genre, and picked it up because it looked cute.

I didn't find any spelling or punctuation errors....other than the missing letters. I would consider moving the note about the dialogue 500 entry out of the brief description and into the top of the story itself.

I think this was a great and original idea. I would never have thought of a story between a boy and his alphabet cereal - although now you have me craving alphabet cereal. Ummmm. Anyway, I thought the story was original. I liked the discussion about the Wheaties. I did think the stint into vegetarianism was a bit odd. I see how you got there but the interest starts waning about that point. I like the way you included the lost message but left enough letters to fairly well guess the point.

On a side sweet cereal note, a comment about the prize/toy might also be interesting.

Overall, very interesting and a highly creative idea.

Write on!
SG

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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79
Review of Night Life  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3* Welcome to Writing.com!!! *Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


This is interesting and definitely unique. I like the disturbing perspective and the way you move us through the tale. You have a gift with imagery and make us see the scene you've set, even though you've managed it so that it works for multiple readers. Well done.

You had no spelling errors that I could find; well done. However, you did have several problems with punctuation. They were mostly just two things repeated - first, you had trouble with missing apostrophes. One example is Your dads warm eyes Because the eyes belong to your dad, it should be dad's. There are several other instances where you have missing apostrophes.

The other problem that pops up frequently is comma splices. Many of them are good for the speed and tone you are conveying, but some of them are overdone, and the sentences become confusing and difficult to follow. I had to go back and start the sentence over, reading slowly, which broke the flow and pulled me out of the trance you were otherwise successful in creating. One example is Someone's footsteps begin approaching, the soft melodic tap of this strangers feet increase speed and sound, until they are transformed into an intense pounding that is so loud it can only be matched by the escalating thump of your heart beat. Most of your sentences wind around a little too much. I would look at trimming some of the comma splices; I think they are overused and make the story difficult to read. For more information on comma splices, check out "Comma Splices and Fused Sentences"  Again, please note, you do a good job using the sentence structure to create a great tone, very surreal, it is just a little heavy-handed.

Also, I would suggest revising the brief description to draw more readers in. I would consider using a telling line from the story, one that hints at the mood and originality of the piece. A good example might be Your breathe becomes hard and fast as you try to escape the thumping noise that begins to overpower all others.

Overall, you have great imagery and tone. You create a surreal picture that really captures the reader. You have set a great tone, and while I can't call the piece enjoyable, it is quite disturbing, which I think was more of your goal. *Bigsmile* So don't take that as a lack of compliment; I don't think you were going for the whole happy ending thing.

Keep up the great work, and welcome to the site!
SG

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Left Behind  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3* Welcome to Writing.com!!! *Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


What an interesting and emotional piece. This was well written and enjoyable.

There were a few spots where your rhyme was a little off, such as the third stanza. Also, you used 'bear' instead of 'bare'; one is a fuzzy forest creature, the other is naked, revealed. You need to capitalize 'life' at the start of the fourth stanza.

I'm not sure what you mean by this line:
Years of crying kindle there way to halt I think you use the wrong 'there' (I believe you need 'their') but I'm not altogether certain of your meaning, so I could be wrong).

As I said, an interesting and insightful piece. Welcome to writing.com!

Write on!
SG
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Review of The Cold Star  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3* Welcome to Writing.com!!! *Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


What an interesting and emotional piece. I like how you use the snowstorm to set the scene for Maela's grief. This was an interesting story, and I like the way you have written it.

A few suggestions. I would generally recommend that you doublespace between paragraphs in pieces placed online. This makes it easier on the eyes, and will bring you more readers. Another option is to use WritingML to {indent} at the start of each paragraph. Either way works, but the double-space tends to work better.

You have some great images in the story, but you want to be careful not to cram them together so they become confusing. For instance, you say Maela stared out into the dark, snow-flakes fluttering to the ground, like petals from a tree, sticking to her eyelashes, clinging to her hair. You've started talking about Maela but then used the rest of the sentence to talk about the snowflakes. I would break this into two sentences. Maela stared out into the dark. Snowflakes fluttered to the ground, like petals from a tree, sticking to her eyelashes, clinging to her hair.

You also want to take a look through for spelling and punctuation errors. These will make the copy cleaner and, again, bring you more readers. It will also make it easier to stay in the flow of the story.

You have done a good job with evocotive emotions and images. Keep up the great work!

Write on!
SG
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3* Welcome to Writing.com!!! *Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


This is a very emotional and heart-wrenching piece. I can tell the raw emotion and pain involved in the piece.

I would recommend doing a little bit of cleanup - fixing misspellings (you can use the Writing.com spellcheck) and checking for punctuation problems. I'd also suggest capitalizing words such as "i" and words at the beginning of the sentences. This makes for a cleaner copy that will draw more readers. I would also suggest either capitalizing all of the words in your title or making all but the first lowercase, just to be consistant.

I understand that it can be painful to post such an emotional piece online for all to see. Thanks for sharing, and welcome to the site!

SG
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Review of Bad Girl  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon3* Welcome to Writing.com!!! *Balloon3**Balloon2**Balloon1*


This is a very interesting story of a teen's decline. I like the insight you used into Faith's mind.

There were a few technical errors that need to be cleaned up. Things like spelling and punctuation. You can use the spellcheck on writing.com to check, or you can copy the story to a word processing program (like Word) and use theirs. Words like don't have an apostrophe between the n and t; you have a lot of errors that way. You also have some capitalization errors, words that are capitalized that don't need to be. For instance, you capitalized football and baseball, but they don't need to be. You also have several sentences that are missing words. For instance, We went to Taco Hut because It was right up our street and only a few minutes away to We all lived by eachother mrya at one end of the nieghborhood and sierra and the other, and me in the middle. This is a very confusing sentence, and I think you just missed some punctuation and such. A great cure for that is to go back and read your story out loud; you will be amazed how many mistakes you can catch that way. You have a lot of hyphens that are unnecessary.

This sentence is a bit awkward - Sierra was the most wild out of both of us. There are three girls, not two, so it should be 'all' of us.

You also have a problem with your paragraphs. A great resource on paragraph formation is "How To Write A Good Paragraph"  [E].

I like the way you put us into the scene when the girls go home. More description like that will help the story come alive.

Overall, this is a very interesting and insightful piece. I can see that you put a lot of thought and effort into it.

Welcome to the site, and write on!
SG
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow, Davy, what a great game! I've stopped by here before and, frankly, found it too confusing the first time around. However, I sat down today (jumped in midpuzzle) and sort of figured it out. Then I went back and reread the rules....okay, not the best way to do it, but anyway. I think when I read them midpuzzle, I had a hard time figuring out the + because, duh, at that point there were no +s. *Laugh*

I had a lot of fun and have listed this as a favorite so the next time you do a round, I'll be there for sure. I don't know how you manage to put it all together, but I bet you have fun! Keep up the great work!

So, okay, the offical review:

I liked your visual layout. Great intro image, great use of WritingML. The WritingML especially helped make the examples stand out and overall made the rules easier to understand.

In terms of content, I found no basic errors - no problems with spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc. As I said earlier, the overall description was very clear and walked step-by-step through the puzzles. I particularly liked the Can you see why?{/color}s in the example; they make us think rather than just spoon-feeding us.

A great puzzle, and one I'm sure a lot of people get a kick out of. I know this has been around awhile, and it's awesome! Keep up the fantastic work!

SG
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What an interesting poll. I think it is odd that there are people poking around the site that answered 'no', but there you go.

I was just looking for a fun poll. Apparently I took your poll but didn't R&R it. Odd. It must've been in my early days on the site. I hope you can forgive me.

I like your title and brief description, but might suggest changing the 'detective' genre to 'writing.com' (don't know if you maybe didn't have that way back when this poll was created?). Anyway, I think that might be more apt.

I found no spelling errors. I did find one punctuation...question. I am not sure that 'who cares' should end in a period. I know it is statementy (is that a word?), but it feels more like a Who cares?! type statement to me. But that is just my opinion.

Otherwise, interesting poll. How anyone could dislike this site is beyond me, but...there you go!

Write on!
SG
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Review of Thrashing Day  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a great descriptive essay on thrashing farm traditions. I found it on the "Invalid Item"  .

*Note1* From a technical perspective:

You have this listed as 'nonfiction'. Listing it as an essay would get it more readers, I think. I would also recommend a third genre, as that will give it another point for people who are reading and also help encourage more readers (and thus more reviewers). Some good ones might be biography, community, historical, family, friendship, and regional.

Thrashing day, the highest point of the annual farm routine sticks in my memory comma after 'routine'

Within a few years their use comma after 'years'

my Uncle, Maury If you are using it as a name (Uncle Maury) there should be no comma. If you are NOT using uncle as part of the name, it should be lowercase.

it's one, I will never forget. No comma

*Note1* In terms of content: This was a well written essay. I like your details but notice that you took yourself out of the majority of this memory. It lends a distant third person point of view that works well, but your interjection (mentioned at the end) comes off awkward. I think you could add to the charm with descriptions on where you stood, if you helped or just watched, how your muscles felt, etc. However, as it is, this is mostly a stand-back essay which works fine; it just depends on what you want, and your consistancy.

Maury was part of a cooperative that owned a thrashing machine. Who? This is confusing because we don't know who you are talking about.

The entire aforementioned paragraph (starting with Thrashing day, the highest point of the annual farm routine is awkward and jumpy. You start by talking about thrashing day, jump to the combine, and then move on to farming practices. All of this information may be necessary, but the layout you have is very jumpy and abrupt, and this breaks the flow of the piece. Also, the next paragraph is similarly based; you continue talking about combines, which should be with the sentences from the last paragraph. The second one isn't so jumpy but instead feels split.

Try instead using the first paragraph to talk briefly about how thrashing day is the highest point. Perhaps you could note what gives the "community spirit" in a line or two, and a mention of the cooperative might fit with that. Then start the next paragraph with This equipment resembled a brontosaur in size and shape and likewise, faced extinction. , though I wouldn't actually start with 'this equipment'; be more precise. This will help smooth out the transitions between paragraphs.

A combine completed the same work as the thrashing machine but with far fewer steps, much less time, and only one worker. This sentence assumes I know anything about combines and thrashing machines. I don't, and I assume the majority of your readers don't, either. However, if this were placed closer to the end, after we have seen the community spirit, we might feel more upset over the loss. Does that make sense? By then, we know that it takes x people to work the machine and it is an all-day event, but the spirit of cooperation is foistered, etc.

Some called it threshing, others thrashing. This sentence feels unnecessary.

It was not as efficient as a combine, We have already established this, so this sentence is unnecessary, unless you move the commentary on the combine to the end.

to help Maury's, Lois I think you forgot the word 'wife' here.

Years of practice at similar occasions and church dinners had made them experts on the mechanics of feeding a crowd. The men began to pitch the grain shocks onto the wagons. You have smoothly moved from the men to the women, but now you jerk us abruptly back to the men. A transitory phrase, such as 'in the meantime' or 'while the women geared up' before the second sentence would smooth this out a bit more.

Men forked the grain bundles onto the intake conveyer, they disappeared into the machine The setup of this sentence implies the men disappeared into the machine; I hope not!

straw and chaff emerged from the rear end of the beast. The machine blew it out of an adjustable spout onto the straw stack site. You repeat yourself here. Consider merging the two. the machine blew straw and chaff out of an adjustable spout from the rear onto the straw stack site. Or something to that effect; you can probably merge them smoother.

The younger staff learned the jobs from the seasoned veterans. The chaff got under my clothes This is also a jerky transition. I would just consider cutting the second sentence, since you haven't really put yourself in the piece very much. Your other option to would be

You used a great deal of the passive voice, specifically 'was, were' and other forms of 'to be'. I noticed this most prominently in the section regarding the food. The description of the layout was sumptuous but I felt that more active phrasing would really draw the reader in some more, and make the essay stronger.

*Note1* Overall: I enjoyed this memory of times in the past, and thought your reflection enjoyable.

Write on!
SG

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87
87
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Another great and helpful piece on web documentation. Very polished (big surprise), easy to read, and helpful. Only one thing I noted - the infamous 'dead link' here:
For a list of other features included, please see Invalid Item.

<gasp> How could you?!

I was interested in seeing what was discussed; is there another similar article on the web pages? Also, I had a hard time finding this under 'search' when I was looking for 'help' with pages. Do you have 'website' listed as a keyword? I didn't think to search <duh> 'web page'. Anyway, I wound up finding this via the 'types of accounts' page.

Keep up the great work! I need to quit R&Ring your stuff, it makes my overall ratings too high, LOL. Either that or you need to include more errors! *Laugh*

Write on!
SG
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
After that last article, I can't wait to read more of your stuff! This article proved no disappointment. A wonderful look at an internet romance gone wrong. I also found this on writetight's list.

*Note1* From a technical perspective: A perfect piece. No spelling, punctuation, or spacing errors. Your genres are well chosen. I might consider labeling this an 'essay' rather than nonfiction, only because you might get a few more reads, but that's a personal choice; this is obviously nonfiction. Stellar.

*Note1* In terms of content:

but emerge with lips that taste suspiciously like frog. Oh, I see this is going to be filled with more great lines!

You kept my rapt attention all the way through. This was clean, well written, easy to follow, and, in short, will net me next to nothing on the public reviews because I have nothing to criticize! *Bigsmile* Honestly, this is a fantastic piece, also well written. I am going to mark you as a favorite author and come back here time and time again. Your writing is highly enjoyable.

*Note1* Overall: This was fantastic, *Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup*, *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star* (that's 5 thumbs up and 10 stars), wonderful. I once again enjoyed your last line, as well as many others. You are quite talented!

PS Please note that I try very hard to keep my '5's to the very best. I am one of those anal people that won't hand them out even if I find one single error. Horrid, I know, but true. I want you to know that I am not bestowing this five lightly; this is a truly deserving piece.

Write on!
SG

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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I found this article on writetight's static list.

*Note1* From a technical perspective: This is a superbly well-polished piece, free of spelling or spacing errors. I only found one punctuation problem.

spiders are wonderful critters that eat yucky flies; spin lovely, mysterious webs comma instead of semicolon

*Note1* In terms of content: I can only share my thoughts as I read.

An arachnophobic...one who believes that his/her world would do very nicely sans spiders. *Thumbsup* Great opening line! *Thumbsup*

But phobia-fear is not about logic or rationale. It's about freaking out. ROTFL! True, and yet so funny! *Laugh*

save poor, doomed piglets named Wilbur from untimely demises *Laugh* This is a fantastic article. I love these lines you craft so well!

Being an adolescent of the 80s, I of course had plenty. I'm on the floor.

Is someone typing an article entitled "Crouching cats, hidden litter box" as they stroke their pet spider? You are going to kill me here!

We need some serious therapy.

*Note1* Overall: A superb opening line, an unbelievable closing line, and a plethora of hysterics in the middle. All written clearly, in a smooth, easy to follow piece. What more can you ask for? This piece truly deserves the award icon.

Write on!
SG

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90
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This was a great, well-written, enjoyable article covering science fiction and fantasy writing.

I found this article in your port after reading writetight's static item. I'm trying to R&R as many as possible.

*Note1* From a technical perspective:

I found no spelling, punctuation, or spacing errors. This is a very well polished piece. Your title is appropriate and interesting enough to draw the reader in. The brief description is a bit bland but does a good job of accurately describing the work. Only one slight note.

like 1984 This is not an error, per se, but I would give serious consideration to italicizing or underlining the title of the book, to keep it from making the reader pause. You might also consider one or the other for Gulliver's Travels.

*Note1* In terms of content:

But, returning to the matter at hand, we want to forget about our “normal” lives for a while and create our own tale, and this is especially true of the fantasy genre. This sentence feels a little awkward and unwieldy. I would consider breaking it into two sentences, with the second starting 'this is especially'.

You don’t have to be writing about Hobbits and hobgoblins or dungeons and dragons I really like the turn of phrase you utilize here. Very catchy.

If your story takes place in a fictional world, then that is obviously fantasy, but if you are writing about our otherwise “real” world, then anything that is outside of our typical understanding of the way things are – or, in the past, were – supposed to be can be considered fantasy I follow what you are saying but had to take a second read-through. I think it was the 'fictional world' that threw me because, in any type of fiction you create a 'fictional world', albeit NOT another non-typical Earth. Still, since this was slanted towards your fantasy/sci fi NL, the odds are good that your readers probably *DID* catch your meaning, so it's not necessarily a bad thing. Just something to keep in mind.

According to Dictionary.Com, science fiction is “a literary or cinematic genre in which fantasy, typically based on speculative scientific discoveries or developments, environmental changes, space travel, or life on other planets, forms part of the plot or background,” which means that science fiction is a sub-genre of fantasy. This sentence is also a little awkward; perhaps end after the definition and then start a second one?

The idea of the “good old days” doesn’t just exist in the minds of groups of elderly men Love this comment but the jump was a little difficult to follow.

while still keeping us safe from marauding Mongolian hordes and the Bubonic Plague. *Laugh* Another great line! You are very talented.

Other science fiction stories, meanwhile, paint a portrait of a utopian society Not sure the 'meanwhile' is altogether necessary.

One thing I noticed, though it did not necessarily stick out and so wasn't a 'terrible' thing, was your frequent use of the passive voice. I didn't find any sentences that made me say, wow that was wordy and could have been written using a more active verb. You utilized it very well, and I really didn't think about it until about midway through, when a very brief skim turned up quite a few of them. Just something to call your attention to but not necessarily something requiring change.

*Note1* Overall: This was a well-written, well-polished, interesting and helpful read. You have a gift for great lines, utilizing alliteration and/or catching the reader's attention. Either that or you have a gift for sitting for long periods of time thinking about them. *Laugh* Either way, this was an enjoyable essay and one that will greatly help any readers who want to put more thought into writing - or reading - fantasty (including science fiction!).

Write on!
SG

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Review of My Web Page  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very interesting web page. First, the 'how I got here' - I am just browsing web pages on the site to get an idea of how to (eventually) put mine together.

I found no spelling, punctuation, or spacing errors. Your poem and the images make for interesting additions.

In terms of content, I found the page to be a little lacking. I liked your images but there was no hint as to what they were links to (though you get marks for having working links). I liked the photo, but again, it has no references.

I would like to see your web page include a bit of text, a bit of explanation, perhaps more of a guide. I liked the explanation of where your portfolio was (you could use something similar with an 'email me at <link>'), but wondered what people who stumbled here from off-site would make of it.

It is well put together but I think it could use more in terms of content and binding. As I said, some great images and a great poem, however.

Write on!
SG
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
I suppose it is possible that I am biased. That said, we could use help from any other writers to help ask the 'eteranl question' posed at the conclusion of the piece. C'mon everyone, help us out here! *Laugh*

*Note1* From a technical perspective:

First I would list this as an essay rather than 'other'. More folks will look at it and read it and give you their feedback. Second, not sure the title fits. How about your 'The Eternal Question'? Something a little closer. A few other techinical notes.

He graduated from high school but he didn't go to college? This is a sentence not a question

And what better way to prove it than to quit his job and move to Boston to be with her. On the other hand, this is a question, not a sentence.

What choice did he have. Also a question - ?

Since they had three kids Michael was working comma after 'kids'

Luckily they had started comma after 'luckily'

atleast at least

How could they not take it. question

*Note1* In terms of content:

Your first sentence starts off very interesting. I generally don't suggest the use of the passive voice (is, was, were, etc) in the first sentence, because I think it doesn't 'hook' the reader, but the repetition you use helps with that. However, this sentence It was a wonderful dream full of everything his heart ever desired. comes across a bit vague and unrealistic.

As a young child Michael was blessed mentally and physically. As a child in school Repetition for the beginning of your two sentences is a little awkward. Perhaps just, At school for the second part?

he always earned and received Did he earn or recieve them? I would cut the 'and received', which implies they were 'given' to him.

was a gifted singer Laud those accomplishment! *Laugh* You could even be more specific and cite membership in a large metro group, etc.

until he finally found someone that could help him change his life. You make me sound like a credit counselor. C'mon, let folks know more about how I, er, someone, helped you change your life.

Michael was everything that his parents could ever have hoped for, at least in a boy. This sentence makes me want to laugh and cry. A little sweeping but rather humerous. Most people won't catch the fact that a girl was 'wanted', LOL. But then again, that's why you had the granddaughter, right?

Around the age of 11 all of that began to change for Michael. I'd cut 'for Michael'

His parents began to fight on a regular basis Could this be related to the overspending? Nah...

It started to seem that a B or a C was as good as an A if it didn't require doing homework. 'It started to seem' is vague. Why not make it 'He realized'. Also, in the subsequent sentence, he didn't adopt the new life so much as the new attitude (that made his wifey cry).

No longer would he strive to make everyone else happy before himself. This from a teen who worked PT and willingly gave his parents the money? I doubt this statement; I think you are being too hard on yourself. (Talk about letting personal feelings/insight interfere with a review!)

He took a summer job making okay money that gave him the opportunity to travel around the country. Too many 'that', perhaps make the first 'that' an 'and'

What choice did he have. She was going to be in Boston for the summer and so was he. <little voice says, stay in Atlanta and work hard so that when she comes back you can pick up where you left off>

After being married a couple years a couple OF years, comma after 'years'

Both of them hated the neighborhood they lived in, especially after the police asked if they could use their driveway to stake out the drug dealers next door.

She found a book that talked about getting out of debt. I found that book in December, two weeks after we moved in, and we started paying things down January 1st. So one month. Love you.

it would only cost $9.95 per month *Pthb* Actually, it was $89.95 for three books and a one year membership. Paid all at once, not in installments. You're misleading them again.

They were finally starting to see that they could one day be debt free until one day Michael came home and told his wife that there was a ninety percent chance that his department was going to be outsourced withing the next six weeks Too long. Break it into two. End after 'debt free' and then start the next one 'Then, one day, Michael'

*Note1* Overall: I listed a lot of 'problems' but this was an interesting read. I hope you find the solution so we don't go down with the ship, LOL. I am sure everything will work out eventually.

Good luck!
SG


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93
93
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.0)
This article had some great tips on selling your house - and on cleaning it. Thanks for the suggestions!

I tend to lean towards more in-depth reviews, so please don't be discouraged by all the 'nitpicking'. I especially wanted to go in depth with you since you said this was for a real estate manual. I enjoyed your overall message.

*Bullet*From a technical perspective:

I would recommend correcting the punctuation error in your brief description (should be wife's. Errors in the title and brief description will turn away readers. I really enjoyed your title. It was appropriate and interesting, and drew me in, even though I wasn't actually looking for something on real estate.

I would double space between all paragraphs. If you want to space between sections as well, just add an additional space. Not double spacing is harder on the eyes. If you don't want to double space, then I would seriously consider adding a 'tab' to the beginning of each paragraph.

have to clean the inside the hard way; with a roll of paper towels use a hyphen instead of a semicolon

“ Dial-A-Spray” no space after the first set of quotes

will tell you something else the pro’s do pros

buyer’s love that look buyers

You know; that thing comma instead of semicolon

a buyer will spot it right away; and they won’t like same. You have several problems with semicolons; almost every one you have needs to be turned into a comma. Here is a good article; check out the part on semicolons. "Invalid Item"  . Ha ha ha, I just realized I used two here.

the Bathroom. lowercase 'bathroom'

” Great no space

*Bullet*In terms of content: This was an interesting piece. A few nitpicky things, and then I'll give you the overall impression.

Your paragraphs feel a little off. For one thing, you break paragraphs up that should be together. All of the information about Mr. Clean should be in one paragraph. Then, the line You know, I finally tried some of that stuff and it doesn’t work. should be in its own paragraph. A great article on writing paragraphs is "How To Write A Good Paragraph"  [E]

You remember the second thing I told you about in the last section that would make you the most money? This is a little awkward. If you are going to refer by section, I highly suggest including a link - a litem at the least, if not a ritem or bitem - at the top to the piece prior and at the bottom to the next one. That way, your readers can simply read in order. Then, for this line, I would mention it as a statement, more like In the last section, I referred to what needed to be done to make you the most money. That thing is..., although I actually wouldn't use 'is' - but you get the idea.

I have decided to do things a little differently This whole paragarph is unnecessary. You should have done the convincing already - the idea of money pouring out and standing out from 'everyone else' and a quick sale being completed are good images - so now move on to the cleaning without this awkward paragraph. This is very 'down the nose' and almost insulting.

You use the word 'so' a lot, which is distracting and a difficult transition. Try to smooth out your transitions within your paragraphs (your movement from one sentence to the next) and make them flow without the first sentence being 'so'.

I would switch the order these two paragraphs are in:
The thing to remember when cleaning the outside
Outside windows have a combination of dirt
Put the second one first.

You use a lot of weak writing. You rely on 'is, are, was' as your verb frequently, and are 'wordy'. A great reference for what I mean is "Invalid Item"  . These things weaken the writing. You need to aim for a stronger punch in most cases.

Here is a sample paragraph.
The reason you are not killing yourself is you picked the right cleaners. You are letting them do the work so you don’t have to. And in case you are wondering, I will tell you how they work. I bolded the passive voice.

Here I have cut the 'weak' parts, which are unnecessary. They are the parts you would use in a normal conversation, which weaken your writing.
The reason you are not killing yourself is you picked the right cleaners. You are letting them do the work so you don’t have to. And in case you are wondering, I will tell you how they work.

You don't need the last sentence because you are going to tell them. The first two can be easily merged into one powerful sentence. Picking the right cleaners mean they get to do all the work instead of you. In the same paragraph, you can talk about the exhaust, etc.

I typed “truck brush” in Yahoo! Shopping and found four for less than thirteen dollars. This sentence is unnecessary.

Okay, let’s go outside and I will show you how to clean windows the easy way. Unless this is a script for a video, this is also unnecessary.

It is greasy and holds the rest of the gunk like glue, if you can cut through that, everything else will wash off with it. This is a run-on sentence.

I am not altogether sure you need the advanced chemistry lesson on why things work, but if you want to give them, I would suggest using them earlier when you site the ingredients. Greased Lightening dissolves the exhaust, which holds the rest of the gunk like glue. Jet Dry eliminates spots by keeping the water from beading. Boom. Done. Tell us how to mix them up and spray them off and we are set.

Intermission This heading is unnecessary.

You lean towards writing the way you talk. Good if you are producing a video script. Not so good for a manual. All of the 'I's you interject tend to weaken it. You don't necessarily need them, and I would seriously consider moving it to third person for a manual. I think you can convey your message without them. I would even go so far as to suggest removing the 'you's, but you do keep it on a very personal level, so it should be fine with them.

You have a lot of extra words - 'The reason', 'The final thing', 'So now you are thinking', etc. Try to cut down to the meat of the sentences and leave off the conversational. It makes for a rougher read.

I liked your Mr. Clean example but I'm not sure he should have started off the segment. Consider starting with WHY we need a sparkling house, then perhaps (if you really want him) bring up Mr. Clean, then get down and dirty. I would condense the example, though. See if you can fit it in three to five lines. After years of watching commercials with Mr. Clean popping out of a bottle, I resolved to do the same. I spent three days trying to pry him out of the bottle and he wouldn't budge. I finally gave up and cleaned the house myself. Same feel, not as wordy and longwinded.

*Bullet*Overall: I do like your overall message and think it is one worth repeating. My house is actually on the market right now; I have resolved to give it a sparkling cleanup (it is vacant) so that it literally shines. I can do that pretty quick. Thus, despite all my nitpicking, your article succeeded at what it intended to do - motivate the seller to get off their backside and make the house glitter. Thanks for the tip about Jet Dry and Greased Lightning, especially!

Write on!
SG

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94
94
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is an interesting explination. I like the great point you made with your title. I would like to see you have followed through a little more.

From a technical perspective: Your title is great, but the brief description could use a little editing. Think of the bd as your billboard. I would, at the very least, cut 'Manyon explains' and just let yours read The role of account manager at an ad agency. That said, the spelling error in your brief description will oftentimes cause folks to overlook your item because they assume it will be similarly error-ridden. Just like your billboards, make sure your spelling is correct. (explains)

I suggest double spacing between paragraphs when posting something on line. At the very least, use a 'tab' to distinguish new paragraphs. On-screen reading is a little harder on the eyes than conventional book reading, and the double spacing tendency makes things easier and will actually gain you more readers, believe it or not.

varies,yet space after comma

There area few are a

print ad ideas and design and finally comma after 'design'

In terms of content: First, a few on targets, then I'll go more overall.

There area few individuals who understand what that means, usually because they’re in the business, too. There seems The there/they're/there repetition is a little awkward.

I like the introductory antedote but the first paragraph needs a little more smoothing out. You seem to jump around in subject. Also, I would suggest shortning the intro 'story' a little, perhaps cutting out your reply and trimming it a little. Perhaps just a simpler version of (and this is a rough example) Most people ask me to elaborate when I tell them I work for an advertising agency. I would even consider using There seems to be a certain mystique about what advertising agencies do. as your first sentence, as it gets directly to the point.

So, when speaking of my career I try to mirror the rule of thumb for billboards. The rule is simple. Billboards should be an exclamation about, not an explanation of, your product or service. An interesting point, but one I would question. A billboard is trying to sell something. A conversation is more explanatory - you aren't trying to sell your career, are you? I, personally, would be irked if all you told me was "I love what I do!". And I would leave the conversation unclear.

I think that you made an excellent point with your target, but I didn't particularly see you argue the point here. I was actually interested in seeing what type of explaination or argument you would make. All you did, however, was give a very brief overview.

I think this article could be more effective - perhaps in a second version if you want to keep the published original alive as is? - if you take this one line We as a team are responsible for client relations, advertising budget consultation, strategic planning and development,creative writing, directing, assisting with the production of radio and television commercials, public relations, print ad ideas and design and finally, creating a finished ad campaign targeting the desired audience. To put it simply, most managers and business owners don’t have time to meet with all of the individual vendors and sales people from various media. and expand on it. Why not make one paragraph out of each point? Tell us what you do. Then tell us why it needs to be done. What would happen if we didn't have marketing folks? I personally belive marketing is necessary, am actually 'studying up' on it prior to opening our home-based buisness, but I would still like to see more depth to this article than you give.

Overall: This is an intersting introduction to what your job responsibilities are and what your enthusiasm for your job is.

Write on!
SG

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95
95
Review of I Beg Your Pardon  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is a great article. Well written and thoughtful - I would expect no less from you, Viv! *Bigsmile* I found this while searching for buisness articles.

From a technical perspective:

I found no spelling, punctuation, or spacing errors. I like your title, but the brief description was a little bit hard to follow; I wasn't sure whether you were referring to buisness et. as its own entity or calling your piece some 'buis. et.'. Once I realized it was you, I figured the first, but in another author, I might be more confused as to the intentions.

In terms of content:

I am not completely sure this falls under the stance of an article. To me - and this may just be my impressions - an article is more informative, whereas an essay is more personal, more telling. That said, you did manage to convey information. I think this is one of the ones that would fall more between the lines - similar to a magazine article rather than a newspaper, for instance. That said, I'd like to see a slightly tighter conclusion, something of more of a call to action, even with just one or two lines, but I'm not even sure how to suggest it without it being obvious. So I'll leave it up to you and with just my impression, and let you actually be the writer. *Wink*

Every time someone takes care of personal business rather than his duties The only side note I would add is that it is not always personal things that make you lose a customer. As I continued reading, however, I saw that personal was the focus of the article (ie some customers will be upset if are talking on a buisness-related call and don't look up and acknowledge them - which is fine - while others will be less justifiably upset if you don't get off the phone right now (but that is the minority)). Anyway, as I continued reading, I see that you are consistantly criticizing personal distractions, so this is more of a note than a correction.

I really enjoyed your examples. Were you following me around? That kind of thing happens to me all the time - and I'm someone who will get your name so I can call corporate. (I also call on exemplery customer service, FYI.)

Overall: This was a very enjoyable piece that put a lot together and should probably be distributed at every Walmart...er, mass merchandising...store. Two thumbs up!

Write on!
SG

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96
96
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This was an humerous look at office furniture that every writer must read!

From a technical perspective:

Your title and brief description are appropriate, but I almost expect (and think you might have more luck drawing readers with) a more light-hearted piece, similar to what you have demonstrated (ie something about sitting for hours on end...or a chair that comes with its own muse.... Yours is a great brief description, don't get me wrong, but I think it could be a little catchier. I'm not sure you need the ellipses, either; I'd just go with a period.

Perhaps, I should say..."for hours on my REAR-end!" *Bigsmile* I love this line! Great! I don't think you need the comma, and I would nix the quotes and the ellipses, however. Otherwise, hysterical!

the smooth rolling action of the casters, have improved my disposition No comma needed.

I had been so crabby due to the loss of circulation in my own legs, that my husband changed his plans No comma needed. See "Participial Phrases"  for some great comma tips.

No other punctuation errors, no spacing errors, no spelling errors that I noticed.

In terms of content: This was a great read! A few things I noticed while going through.

You have this listed as an article. Personally, I think of an article as more informative; this feels more like an essay to me. A very fine line, but for an article, I would expect to hear more of why we should be looking for a good chair. You give that, but in more narrative form than I would expect. Either way, you do a good job of falling in either one; you have a humerous, personal article or an informative essay. Understand, I'm not counting off big stars for that or anything, it is just my take on it.

remaining seated on a less than soft surface This could be iffy - your REAR end (which was most recently mentioned) springs to mind more easily than the chair, which is what I think you are referring to. The structure of the sentence as a whole (Beginning to feel the ill-effects of remaining seated on a less than soft surface for several consecutive hours, I was having special problems.) is a little out of synch, as well. I am not so sure about the 'beginnings'. There is nothing technically wrong with it, but the sequencing is a little confusing. I would rework this sentence, as the two parts don't seem to mesh well.

was affordable and is wonderfully comfortable. The passive voice here weakens the writing. Perhaps you could just use 'wonderfully comfortable' as an adjective (ie The wonderfully comfortable 'High Back...')

The ultra-cushioned seat, lumbar support, the ease of adjustment, the padded arm-rests and the smooth rolling action You preface each item with 'the' EXCEPT for 'lumbar support'. I would reconsider for consistancy, OR consider nixing all the other 'the's (except the first, of course).

and even given me inspiration for this article! Now, that's a GREAT chair! *Bigsmile* Another great line! I could surely use a chair with a muse!

the high-back of the chair supports my head and neck so well that I could (theoretically, of course) nap. Given the light-hearted tone of this piece, I could just hear your voice making a 'warning' sound! It's great when you can get a laugh without even trying - you have set a fantastic tone for this piece.

Overall: I really enjoyed your take on your office furniture. This is a must-read for any writer - or for anyone who sits all day!

Write on, if your chair will let you!
SG

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97
97
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
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 Abandoned by Birth  (E)
A story about adding a new member to the family.
#1022692 by Dmitri Cassel


I like this one. This is a great insight into a child's mind, very realistic. See "Invalid Item"  for more details on my reviewing form.

Basic Structure – 5.0 of 5 stars – You have this correctly listed as a short story with three fitting genres. Your title works great, and your brief description fits, although you might want to add a little more 'zing' to draw in more readers. For instance, They were bringing in my replacement or something to that effect. Something to convey the narrator's attitude. I found no spelling, punctuation, or spacing errors.

Intermediate Structure – 3.75 of 5 stars - You have a couple of awkward sentences that make it difficult to follow the piece. I've listed several below.

Sure he said “He’ll be your new baby brother,” but it still feels like you’re replacing me, dad. The switch between 'he' and 'you' is confusing.

It had to be an alien to make those noises. The 'an' and 'to' (before 'make') combined break the flow of this sentence. I would suggest using one or the other (well, making instead of 'to make').

after I thought that last thought The repetition of 'thought' is awkward

You also have a tendency to change subjects midparagraph, which is confusing. Overall, you did a good job, there were no run-on sentences or unnecessary fragments. Just a few things to clear up.

Content – 8.75 of 10 stars – I liked the story you provide. You do a great job of getting into the kid's mind, though it might help to have more age indicitive thoughts earlier. I was wondering what the deal was, thinking it was a teenager. I think your thoughts and word choices may be a bit 'higher' than the typical seven year old, which was what probably gave me the idea he was older. I'd like to see an indication, too, that the narrator is a boy a little earlier on; at least, I assume he is. But you do a great job of getting into his head and making realistic worries (I thought the whole trash thing was over the top for a teen, but when I realized how young…perfect). I'd like to see a bit more focused worries as well, perhaps some other things the parents have done other than talking about the baby that concerns the narrator (fixing up the nursery, buying baby clothes/toys, etc). I was also a bit surprised by the narrator thinking he could play with a brother that small; it doesn't seem very realistic. Maybe he'll change his mind after the feeding, spitup, and diapers, LOL. But overall, you do a fantastic job.

Flow – 4.5 of 5 stars – There were a few awkward sentences that disrupted the flow, but overall, you did a great job of keeping us in the narrator's mind. I really enjoyed this story and thought you lulled the reader into complacency.

Relation to Prompt - 5 of 5 stars – This was a great relation to the prompt. A short story, very dramatic, centrally tied to a birth. I loved the 'surprise' narrator; that is, seeing it through the sibling's eyes. I thinkk you did a great job with this.

Overall: I really liked the perspective you give here, the worries the poor kid has. Very credible and a great read. Loved the ending.

3 suggestions for improvement: I always suggest three points for improvement. These are the biggest things that need addressing in ascending order.
Suggestion #3 - This is the third most important suggestion. Establish his age a bit earlier on.
Suggestion #2 - This is the second most important suggestion. Make sure you stay on topic within paragraphs.
Suggestion #1 - This is the point that needs the most attention You have a few awkward sentences. Perhaps read the story aloud to see what type of problems there were?

Contest Total: 27.0/30
Star Total: 22.0/25
Averaged: 4.4/5.0
Rounded: 4.5

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98
98
Review of Special Delivery  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
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 Special Delivery  (E)
An urgent phone call sends a middleaged woman on a journey as old as time.
#414532 by lianahush


This was an interesting tale. See "Invalid Item"  for more details on my reviewing form.

Basic Structure – 3.75 of 5 stars – This is correctly listed as nonfiction, with three appropriate genres. I like your title, but your brief description really zings. I found no spelling errors, and only two spacing errors: Mum,well and you forgot to doublespace after your first paragraph. You have several problems with punctuation, usually with commas. You need to look at the punctuation around the dialogue tags in particular.

Intermediate Structure – 3.5 of 5 stars - You have several run-on sentences that are difficult to follow. You have several awkwardly worded sentences, such as here:

"Hello"...sleepy voice mumbles I think you forgot a word

One and one quarter hours along the highway

I answer it, "Mum! What are you doing there? When is this baby of Megs due?" says the young man And here you jump from sounding like the narrator is speaking to having the young man speak; very confusing.

Your paragraphs get a little jumpy. You need to restructure the dialogue in particular; when different people speak, they should each get their own happy little paragraph. *Laugh* Make sure that you change paragraphs when you change the subject/action.

Content – 7.25 of 10 stars – I liked the storyline here, the grandmother delivering her grandchild. That certainly adds a twist to it. However, I would love to see you delve a little more into the action, the emotions, etc. What you have now seems to breeze through the piece very quickly. I think this story has a great deal of potential if you delve a little deeper into the subject. Your characters are very shallow, and it is difficult to keep all of the strange, nameless women straight. I was unclear about the identity of the woman giving birth until very near the end (the narrator keeps calling her 'the young woman', which isn't how people usually refer to their daughter), and about the narrator's role in the delivery – she said she'd done this before but no other indication or information was given. This left me wondering/curious. I felt you have a great premise here but it could use a little more development and detail. However, you certainly took an original look at the process of childbirth, which I commend you for.

Flow – 3.75 of 5 stars – The awkward sentences and punctuation mar the flow of the piece, as do the difficult paragraphs. You make a couple of confusing statements which made me stop and reread segments to try to figure out what was going on (usually unsuccessfully). This made it difficult to stay in the 'flow' of the story.

Relation to Prompt – 4.5 of 5 stars – This is definitely a story about birth and its affect on a character/person. I like how you stepped outside the box, not only in bringing in the grandmother but in having her so instrumental to the birth. I did feel it wavered a bit in the 'short story' segment because the details were so few and far between; I think embellinshing this a bit would make it fit more snugly in that category.

Overall: What a great way to use the prompt! I liked the situation and the uniqueness of the story.

3 suggestions for improvement: I always suggest three points for improvement. These are the biggest things that need addressing in ascending order.
Suggestion #3 - This is the third most important suggestion. Try to find a more natural way for the narrator to refer to her own daughter and to sort out all the women in the room.
Suggestion #2 - This is the second most important suggestion. Watch out for run-on sentences, which disrupt the flow of the piece and make things hard to follow.
Suggestion #1 - This is the point that needs the most attention I would suggest adding more detail to bring the story to life more.

Contest Total: 22.75/30
Star Total: 18.25/25
Averaged: 3.65/5.0
Rounded: 3.5

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99
99
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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Romance Midst Tragedy  (ASR)
The most romantic experience happened at the most tragic of times.
#630742 by Vivian


Wow. Goosebumps, Viv, you gave me goosebumps. This definitely deserved the icon. See "Invalid Item"  for more details on my reviewing form.

Basic Structure - 5 of 5 stars – This is correctly listed as a short story, with three appropriate genres. I like your title, and your brief description entices the reader. I found no spacing, spelling, or punctuation errors in this piece.

Intermediate Structure – 4.75 of 5 stars – This is very well organized. I found no inappropriate run-on sentences or fragments to mar it.Your paragraphs stayed on topic and were clear and to the point. You did a good job of moving from one to the next. I loved the way you put this piece together.

There was just one awkward sentence. My mother left over an hour earlier to go care for my other children, her grandchildren. I'm not sure you need the qualifier 'her grandchildren', as it is a given.

Content – 9.5 of 10 stars – I really enjoyed this piece. It was clear and well written. I liked the way you painted it. There was only one confusing point, and that was this paragraph: My poor husband, as devastated as only a parent losing a child can be. The way it was structured didn't allow for what really happened; you didn't leave any 'wiggle' room. It pretty much implies that you are looking back and remembering that he made the drive. I think you can restructure the sentences to allow for what really happened.

Flow –5 of 5 stars – This was a very smooth piece, very easy to read, with minimal confusion.

Relation to Prompt - 5 of 5 stars – This piece met the criteria of the prompt: it was a short story and the birth process was central to the piece. Full marks.

Overall: This was a very sad yet romantic read, fully deserving of the awardicon received. The only negative thing is that it sounds as though it's true – but it must be great to have such a wonderful, sensitive husband. (Hugs) to him and you.

3 suggestions for improvement: I always suggest three points for improvement. These are the biggest things that need addressing in ascending order.
Suggestion #3 - This is the third most important suggestion. N/A
Suggestion #2 - This is the second most important suggestion. N/A
Suggestion #1 - This is the point that needs the most attention I would consider revising the paragraph that implies he left; otherwise, there is nothing to add to this piece.

Contest Total: 29.25/30
Star Total: 24.25/25
Averaged: 4.85/5.0
Rounded: 5.0

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100
100
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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STATIC
Of Rabbits, Racing and Motherhood  (13+)
Jeffrey's encounter with a runaway rabbit leads me to reminisce.
#1015538 by PENsive is Meemaw x 3!


What a touching reflection on being a mom. <sniff> See "Invalid Item"  for more details on my reviewing form.

Basic Structure – 4.75 of 5 stars – This is listed as a short story, but it reads more like an essay or tribute. Maybe 'nonfiction' would be a better label for it? I can only assume it is NF because of the dedicatory line. I do like your title, it definitely draws me in. Your brief description was also telling. I found no spelling, grammatical, or punctuation problems. You doublespace between paragraphs, but you did add one additional unnecessary space here:

“ Jeffrey

Intermediate Structure – 4 of 5 stars - Your sentences were well written and easy to follow; no inappropriate fragments or run-ons. However, within your paragraphs, the sentences didn't quite work well; you jumped a bit. For instance, your first (actual) paragraph. The line about the yard didn't seem to fit here; it belonged more in the next paragraph. Also, these two sentences were awkward because both had a clause after 'Jeffery'. I turned to see what my son, Jeffrey, was looking at. Jeffrey, age three, was enjoying playing in the yard of our new home. I would omit his name in the first one, or perhaps move it to 'Three year old Jeffrey' for the second one.

The overall structure of this is a bit confusing for a 'story', however, which is what you labeled it as. It feels more like a vignette or a tribute piece. It doesn't quite seem to go to a conclusion. Perhaps it would be clearer if you placed the story of his birth at the end.

Content – 8.75 of 10 stars – This was a heartwarming piece. As a mom especially, I can fully relate. They grow up so fast, don't they? <sniff> Anyway…

I liked the way you wrote this, the reflective tone of the piece. I think you did a good job of characterizing Jeffery. However, I had a hard time following this as a story, and I'm not sure that you can – or even should – make it more storylike. (I have a section in here on 'plot' but that goes out the window, LOL). As a reflective piece, this works great the way it is. The narrator/mom/(you) is a bit flat, but the story is so Jeffrey-central that this isn't a problem. If anything, I'd love to hear MORE antedotes about him, perhaps consider tying them a bit more to his birth. I had a hard time with the link to the rabbit and the circumstances of his birth; natural in a memory/reflection but still a bit hard to follow as a reader. I'm not fully certain the M&M story tied in, perhaps a stronger link?

You do tend to overuse the passive voice (is, was, were, etc). An example: The yard was large and surrounded by woods. Consider how much stronger this would sound if you omit the passive voice: Woods surrounded the large yard. This tightens the tone. There are several spots. I would refer you to a piece on the passive voice, but my internet is getting problematic; however, you can check the link in my contest forum on the passive voice.

This was well written and vivid. I could easily see the bunny. Great job.

Flow – 4 of 5 stars – Your sentences were well written and clear; no run-ons or fragments. Your paragraphs tended to stay on topic and you did a good job of moving between them. The jumps between memories were a bit difficult to follow; it dropped the reader from the 'story' slightly.

Relation to Prompt – 2.0 of 5 stars – I really enjoyed this piece, but I didn't feel it related well to the prompt. It was nonfiction, not really a short story, and as a story (even a nonfiction story) it didn't quite seem to move the way I would expect a story to. The circumstances of the birth seemed more of a footnote here, interesting as they were. They just didn't seem to be the focus of the story. This was a very well written piece, but it didn't quite fall into what I was looking for. Write on!

Overall: I enjoyed this touching tribute. I thought it was a great insight to your life and your response to your son. You do a remarkable job of showing how much you cherish him.

3 suggestions for improvement: I always suggest three points for improvement. These are the biggest things that need addressing in ascending order.
Suggestion #3 - This is the third most important suggestion. Watch out for the passive voice.
Suggestion #2 - This is the second most important suggestion. Stay on-topic within your paragraphs.
Suggestion #1 - This is the point that needs the most attention Try to tie the memories/action (rabbit & M&Ms) a little stronger to the story of his birth.

Contest Total: 23.5/30
Star Total: 21.5/25
Averaged: 4.3/5.0
Rounded: 4.5

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