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101
101
Review of Save the Princess  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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What an interesting read! I can't say I expected the ending!

From a technical perspective: This is correctly listed as a short story, with three great genres. I absolutely *Heart*love*Heart* your title, but I would consider revising your brief description just a bit to avoid repetition. For Alex, saving the princess in his favorite videogame has become more than a game., or possible 'more than a videogame'. I found no spelling errors, and just a handful of spacing and punctuation problems.

he felt a shiver run up and down his spine, as he laid his fingers no comma needed here

Miserable and sad Alex had walked comma after 'sad'

or it's game over!" The woman told him lowercase 'the'; see "Invalid Entry

shrug and say: "I'm all out of quarters." comma after 'say'

as the woman yelled out "Look Out!" the dragon made comma after 'look out'; also, the out should be lowercase

You need line breaks between paragraphs in the last hunk of text.


In terms of content: This was quite an interesting piece! I have to confess, I wasn't expecting the end that I got. I guess I was imagining something more realistic, like he either saved the princess or didn't but, you know, got the girl. But you did drop a good hint earlier, when she seemed to be stalking them. I'd consider elaborating a bit on the clothing; I had a hard time visualizing it.

Not only did the dragon pop up around every corner, the beast had also filled up the castle with all sorts of devious traps. He should have perceived this by simply watching his brother play. He would have noticed the traps and the dragon while observing.

as the woman yelled out "Look Out!" Repetition of 'out' makes this awkward

and have change do you mean LEFT over?

there was nothing else than an empty bed. Awkward; consider 'nothing OTHER than'

I also think you need more paragraph breaks than you give. See "How To Write A Good Paragraph for some help with breaking up your paragraphs.

Overall: I really enjoyed this story. It reminds me somewhat of an Orson Scott Card book...argh, what's the title? Enchantment. A good combination of contemporary and fantasy. This story was the same great combination. A great read!

Welcome to the site, and write on!
SG

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102
102
Review of Running from Fear  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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What a scary dream you have created for us!

From a technical perspective: This is correctlyl listed as poetry, but I would suggest adding three genres to help it gain more exposure. Your title and brief description repeat one another, which I caution against. Remember that these two are often the main reason someone opens - or doesn't open - your pieces. Your 'showcase to the world', so to speak. Also, I'm not certain it fits, because this doesn't strike me as a desert (it could easily have been the beach; you couldn't see), and the locatation does not seem the central theme of the poem, only a sideline. I would consider a more focused title and description.

I found no spelling, punctuation, or spacing errors.

In terms of content: This was a freaky dream. I like the sense of fear you create. I like the isolation; I could feel it around me. I like how you appeal to the various senses.

A couple of structural notes -

I stand there This is vague; where are you standing? You have no point of reference, and might consider 'still' or 'here' instead, or elaborating ('in darkness', etc).

The repetition of 'on me' in your fourth stanza, at the end of the first and second lines, is awkward

This line I can begin to hear heavy breathing behind me is awkwardly worded. Also, you have already said that there was heavy breathing (Or me breathing heavily ) so you might consider another way of phrasing this

Overall: This was quite a chilling poem. You created an aura of evil with it.

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103
103
Review of Weedwhacking  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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This was a very interesting story. I enjoyed reading about the adventures, although there were a few confusing parts.

From a technical perspective: This is definitely a short story, but I'm not really sure about the 'home/garden' genre. I think 'relationship' or 'friendship' might be more appropriate. I liked your title, but I would change your brief description to reflect the action in the story rather than to label it as Another Aislin story. What I would suggest is linking the two stories. At the bottom of this, put a link (item or litem) to the next story, and perhaps a note in italics referencing it. Then, at the top of the next story in the series, put a link referring to this one and advise readers to start here first. Does that make sense? If not, email me and I'll elaborate; if you aren't sure how to link, you can check
The illustrated guide to linking  (ASR)
Confused about how to link? Exactly what to type? Click here!
#560037 by Writing.Com Support


I found no spelling errors. However, I would highly recommend you doublespace between paragraphs for static items on writing.com. If you look at your story on the screen, you will see it is a large block of text. This can be very hard on a reader's eyes, and many people will open the item without reading it if they see a lack of doublespacing. Your other option is to indent ({ indent } without spaces), but I would highly recommend the doublespacing.

“mmm”. The period goes inside the quotes, like this "mmm."

the little girl appeared unrent Unrent? I doublechecked the dictionary; no such word. Did you mean something else?

In terms of content: This was a very interesting story. I liked the way you went somewhat into the story, but it left me with several questions. I was curious about the whole government/Peace Corps thing, why the cops were shooting at a little girl, why English was the only spoken language, why the weeds started growing so quickly...? There were several points that I felt needed elaboration through this story.

A note:

Why it was there I would specify 'he' or 'she' rather than calling a child 'it'

I like the characterization you employed and the way I could see the old man. I would consider working the detail about the mechanical spine in earlier, sort of a foreshadow/hint. I liked the way you described the rich woman, but I think that you could have shown her to us a bit more so that we would draw many of the conclusions ourselves.

Overall: This was definitely an interesting story. I liked your conclusion. I think you did a great job of covering most of the necessary bases here.

Welcome to the site, and write on!
SG


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104
104
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
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You do a good job of mixing the scientific with the poetical. I am eagerly awaiting you to fill out your biography on the site so I learn about you, what you do, etc. I have a feeling you are something like me - I have a double major in Astrophysics and Creative Writing. *Confused*

From a technical perspective: You have this correctly labled, but again, I would add three genres to garner you more readers (and thus reviewers). I liked your title and brief description; they drew me in.

I found no spelling, punctuation, or spacing errors to mar this piece.

In terms of content:

Each mote of stardust affords the elixir of life The idea that everything is composed of stardust has always struck me as beautiful and poetic. How could I not be moved by someone who sees beauty in the same things I do?

I love this poem and the images you raise. These are not your typical poetical themes.

In many cases, you do a good job merging the scientific jargon smoothly into the rhythm and flow of the poem. However, there are also lines where it doesn't seem to fit in my ears; such as Allured by gravity, abreast masses at length collide This just doesn't seem to have the rhythm the other lines have.

Overall: This is a fantastic poem with some beautiful scientific imagery. Keep an ear out for meter and you will be set.

Welcome to the site, and write on!
SG

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105
105
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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I just did a very long and detailed review, and my computer crashed. ARGH! So I'm now going to do a 'summary review', and apologize in advance for anything I missed.

I loved this story. I think it's a great piece of writing. Then again, I was once an astrophysics major, so I well-handled all the technical jargon; I'm curious how some of the 'just writers' on here might react.

From a technical perspective: You have this listed as a short story; I'm not altogether certain it fits. This is one of the rare pieces I might advise as filing as 'fiction' because there's no end, no conclusion, no change. It is, as you claim in your brief description, 'a day in the life of'. I would also recommend adding three genres. One reason you may not have many reviews is because this piece doesn't have much exposure. By listing it under three genres (and I'd use all three), you'll get more exposure, thus more readers, thus more reviewers. I'd recommend 'science, cultural, experience, teen', to name a few. Browse through and see what you think fits.

I didn't find any spelling errors that I remember. The only punctuation problems that stuck out were using double quotes inside of dialogue; use single quotes instead. Also, underline the names of book titles using WritingML ({ u }, no spaces, to start and { / u } to close). No spacing errors. This was a very well-polished piece.


In terms of content: As I recall, the biggest problem I had with the content of your stories was actually in structure - you had some very long and winding sentences that were, at times, difficult to follow.

The piece started focused on the dog (great descriptions, by the way), then moved to the boy, and then moved back to give a line or two to the dog. I'm not sure I saw a great deal of the dog in the story but I would consider perhaps, after keeping the first paragraph (a must-have) you launch into the boy and the bath, put them on the porch, then describe the dog. Thus we have the focus on Liam, with an emphasis on his relationship with Schr.

This story was not what I expected. I was looking for a short story type piece; this, as I said, doesn't have much in the form of motion or change. To stay in short stories, I'd love to see his friendship with Toad develop. However, as is, it is a superbly written piece that was quite enjoyable. So I'm not advocating change unless you want this to be a per-se short story; I think it works find as a longish 'vignette'.

Also, the pidgin was a bit overdone and difficult to read.

That said, you have a sharp wit! Some of my favorite lines - ones that stuck out despite the crash - were
“Because so many people know about God, yet so few know about the Heisenberg uncertainty principle.”
It was in reality more of a simplex than a complex.
He could picture their brains reeling inside their heads, and he knew he would eagerly bewilder people with these nonsensical bombasts whenever the opportunity presented itself


Regarding the last - did you intentionally spice that paragraph up with a large number of 'hifalutin' words? Were you trying to make our brains leak out of our ears? *Laugh*

Overall: This was a great piece and an enjoyable read. I abosolutely adored it and look forward to reading other items in your portfolio!

Welcome to the site, and write on!
SG


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106
106
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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I like the doubleplay of this. We are expecting one thing, and then you trick us. See "Invalid Item for more information on my reviewing techniques.

*Star*Basic Structure – 4.25 of 5 stars – You have this correctly labled as a short story, with three appropriate genres. I like your title, but I would tweak your brief description somewhat. I would cut 'a short story' and try to reference your story a little more in a way that will intrigue the reader and make them open your story. Perhaps Everyone knows Princess Victoria would be queen one day. I would recommend doublespacing between paragraphs for any stories you post on the site. I only found one spelling error - of noble decent should be descent – and one punctuation error Smugly Victoria walked back (comma after 'smugly').

*Star*Intermediate Structure – 3.75 of 5 stars – I only found one sentence fragment A girl with golden curls piled on top of her head. Some of your paragraphs need to be broken up; for information on paragraph formation, see "How To Write A Good Paragraph. Your first paragraph, for instance, needs to be broken into several parts. This was awkwardly sequenced, also:
She listened carefully as he reported his findings.
“My lady Victoria,” he said bowing politely, “I have the information you requested.”
She can't listen until after he starts telling her.

Watch out for repetition in close proximity.
Victoria made her way to the dining hall. In the halls,
she took a bottle of poison and carefully poured some in one of the champagne glasses. Victoria made certain the glass was positioned so the golden-haired vixen drank the poison


He said it dreamily, and snapped out of it when he saw the fury burning in Victoria’s eyes. And the double 'it' is vague.

Victoria’s heart leapt, but at the same time froze with fear how can her heart leap while freezing?

*Star*Content – 7.25 of 10 stars – I liked the deceptive nature of this story. I like the way you set us up to think one thing, and then it goes the other way. However, I think you needed to be a bit less abrupt. I think that you could add some more details to this story to give us hints. Much of this story is told, rather than shown. A good article is "Invalid Item . I also felt the ending was very abrupt and rushed. There are only three paragraphs to cover her reaction. I'd like to see you elaborate and add some detail. You don't really delve into character development. Rather than telling us What the peasants didn’t know about Victoria was the true color of her heart. I know you show it with her later actions, but I'd like to see you hint about it before you get to the ending, give us a hint about what is to come. Lay the groundwork, so to speak. Rather than telling us she is kindhearted and intelligent, show us through her actions. I also didn't understand what was going on behind the scenes, with the prince. Basically, I'd like to see you expand this somewhat, but you do a good job still.

*Star*Flow – 3.75 of 5 stars – This is a slightly jumpy. You rush through the ending, which makes it hard to understand. You need to break up your paragraphs, as well. Otherwise, you do maintain a good flow; your sentences are smooth and polished.

*Star*Relation to Prompt – 3.75 of 5 stars – This was an interesting story with a definite dramatic twist. I would like to see more of a buildup, but otherwise, you keep it interesting.

*Star*Overall:

*Star*3 suggestions for improvement: I always suggest three points for improvement. These are the biggest things that need addressing in ascending order.

Suggestion #3 – Watch out for awkward sentences and paragraphs

Suggestion #2 – Work more on character development

Suggestion #1 – Add more details, at least to the ending

Contest Score: 22.75/30

*Star*Star Total: 19.0/25 *Star*
Averaged: 3.8/5.0
Rounded: 4.0

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107
Review of The Tire Swing  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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This was a fantastic story that gave me goosebumps. I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for entering it in my contest. See "Invalid Item for more information on my reviewing techniques.

*Star*Basic Structure – 4.0 of 5 stars – This is correctly listed as a short story. You have three fantastic genres that completely fit this story. I like your title, but felt a bit squeamish about the brief description; I thought 'try to survive' was awkward, and I felt that you sort of give away the 'something bad will happen' with it, rather than building tension. Just a handful of spelling and punctuation errors, but no spacing problems.

and smelt the ground-in oil smelled

Again he said it, “I promise.” I'd use a period after 'it'; you can get away with a comma, but the linakage is awkward in my opinion.

Joe chuckled to himself knowing that his mom comma after 'himself'

the big old Maple tree lowercase 'maple'

like a school girl I think this is one word; 'schoolgirl'

What’s that sound? he asked consider using italics for thoughts

What duya mean Whaddya mean

There were also some spots without dialogue tags that were a bit confusing.

“Hey, Joe, how the hell ya been?

Daddy! Daddy, what’s wrong?

“A lady?”

“Uh-huh.”


*Star*Intermediate Structure – 4.5 of 5 stars – You had a few awkward spots, but overall, this piece was very clear and easy to follow.

Joe Hardin rushed through the kitchen and headed for the back door just as his six-year-old, Rebecca, ambushed his leg. This was difficult to visualize. "rushing" and "heading" are continuous actions, whereas the leg ambush is more instantaneous. Thus it is hard to imagine her ambushinger her leg 'just' as he's rushing through.

and Joe had no choice but to move his mother in with them This sounds awkward; usually it's 'move in with his mother'. I would consider actually ASKING his mother, rather than just moving her in *Wink*

Sometimes there’s no amount of money that can replace the time lost with your loved ones This sounds too preachy and doesn't quite fit the flow/tone of the story. Good message but just a touch too awkward.

A fifty-foot aluminum shed that stretched out as long as a football field sentence fragment

But in the end, Mary chose him to spend her life with I would put this in the previous paragraph

He stood there, lost in thought, watching as it rolled across the ground, then it solidly collided with the jack handle. run-on sentence

Joe went into shock. This sentence/paragraph just sort of stuck out and caught me offguard. I don't really think it's necessary, and it's not like he thought, hey, I'm going into shock. I think detailing the experience (as you do) is enough, not to mention stronger.

He had the feeling an elephant stood on his back the 'had the feeling' was awkward; consider 'he felt like'

*Star*Content – 8.5 of 10 stars – This was a great story. You use strong language and great imagery through most of it. I liked the entire walkthrough – the setup, the collapse, the conclusion. I thought you were going to kill him off and I was unhappy with you; I kept thinking, 'poor Rebecca!'. A few other thoughts:

like a fireman sliding down a pole. I *Heart* this image!

“Oh, there you are.” This paragraph felt awkward, not because it didn’t flow well – it did – but because I expected her to make an objection of some sort. I don't see most kids sitting quietly and listening this long without raising an objection.

She cupped his stubbled cheeks in her small hands and saw the shadows he carried in his face; This is pretty perceptive for a six year old.

they had both decided that any child of theirs would simply love a tire swing I think 'decided' is the wrong word here. You can't just 'decide' that a child will like something; perhaps 'hoped, thought, or anticipated?

Just one year after being diagnosed with leukemia, she was gone I don't understand why the mom would say She said she was gonna come home from the hospital real soon, but she never did After I heard about the promise, I evisioned a quick and sudden death; complications from surgery or death in childbirth, something where the mom WOULD be coming home but then suddenly not. But leukemia – she would've know she probably wasn't coming home and I don't understand why she would've promised a child she'd be home.

She died graciously I'm not sure 'graciously' is the right word

gasp for air like a fish out of water This is certainly a different use for that phrase! *Laugh* I liked this image, as well an elephant stood on his back

And then Mary was there. I got goosebumps at this point as I read the story, and even now as I take another look over it, I get goosebumps – this with two reviews of it. *Blush* Every time I READ that line, goosebumps.

The biggest problem I have with this story is Rebecca. There were times I felt she acted and sounded older than six; closer to eight. At the same time, I realize that she's probably had to grow up a great deal with the loss of her mother and 'taking care of' her dad; still, there were some lines that I just felt didn't come naturally from her mouth.

But don’t be late, or I’ll start calling ya. Remember, I got your number, mister. – on retrospect I suppose I could see this one, but it just startled me. I guess on review, the others seemed fine; it just made me doublecheck her age.

*Star*Flow – 4.5 of 5 stars – There were a few – a very few – rough spots that broke the flow, but overall, this is very smooth and easy to follow. Your sentences were well structured, your paragraphs stayed on-topic, and you moved easily from action to action. The only part that really stood out to me was the aforementioned line about going into shock.

*Star*Relation to Prompt – 5.0 of 5 stars – This was a fantastic drama and a well told story. You gave me goosebumps at various points in this story, you created characters that I cared about and worried for, and you kept the tension high.

*Star*Overall: This was a fantastic and enjoyable read, and one that fully deserves the wonderful awardicon bestowed upon it.

*Star*3 suggestions for improvement: I always suggest three points for improvement. These are the biggest things that need addressing in ascending order.

Suggestion #3 – N/A

Suggestion #2 – N/A

Suggestion #1 – There are a couple of minute cleanups needed, but otherwise I have no suggestions

Contest Score: 26.5/30

*Star*Star Total: 21.5/25 *Star*
Averaged: 4.3/5.0
Rounded: 4.5

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108
108
Review of Brother  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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This was another amazing piece of flash fiction. You are a very talented FF writer. See "Invalid Item for more information on my reviewing techniques.

*Star*Basic Structure – 5.0 of 5 stars – You list it as fiction with three great genres. I like your title, although it isn't fully in the story; I like the connotations it gives. Great brief description. You didn't doublespace, but you did indent. I think that works better than dsing in a short piece like this. I found no spelling or punctuation errors.

*Star*Intermediate Structure – 4.0 of 5 stars – Although I understand the span of actions included, this sentence runs a bit awkward. I approach, my canteen quenching his thirst. Also, you say afterwards that THEN He sees my uniform Wouldn't he see it as you/narrator approached? I felt that there was too much crammed in here, even taking into account the fact that it's FF, and I think your sequencing of events was off. This makes it a bit confusing.

*Star*Content – Flash Fiction– 8.5 of 10 stars – I love the story inherrant here; two battleweary enemy soldiers fall together. I like the larger connotaions, of the soldiers being humane. I loved your final line. I did take a little bit of offense with the all lives without purpose. Did you mean 'lives LOST without purpose'? Or did I miss something?

*Star*Content – Short Story– 6.5 of 10 stars – Again, as a short story, this left a great deal out. I think you could successfully elaborate on this and have a killer tale. I think you made a good wrapup, but this is a scene, rather than a story, despite the massive amount of information and morality you impart.

*Star*Flow – 4.25 of 5 stars – The flow was a bit more (unintentionally) awkward here. You kept the sentences short, which was good, but the aforementioned awkward sequencing throws this off a little bit. I do love the fragmentary way you move through the piece, though. You keep a consistant tone.

*Star*Relation to Prompt – 2.75 of 5 stars – Again, this is a great drama, but I'm left wanting more. More meat, more details, more to pull me in and make me love your characters

*Star*Overall: This is a great bit. I love the message of brotherhood through all that you present, the compasion, the 'who cares'. Great work.

*Star*3 suggestions for improvement: I always suggest three points for improvement. These are the biggest things that need addressing in ascending order.

Suggestion #3 – Expand for a short story.

Suggestion #2 – Watch out for accidentally clipped words that can change your meaning (if you meant 'lives lost', that is)

Suggestion #1 – I would smooth out the action sequencing a bit.

Contest Score: 22.5/30

*Star*Star Total: 21.75/25 *Star*
Averaged: 4.35/5.0
Rounded: 4.5

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109
109
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.0)
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See "Invalid Item for more information on my reviewing techniques.

*Star*Basic Structure – 4.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly listed as a short stories with three appropriate genres

*Bullet*Title & Description. – I liked the 'roots and branches' part of your title; very intriguing. However, I think you forgot the word 'time' in your brief description, and I would also suggest capitalizing 'A'

*Bullet*Spacing. – You doublespace for easier onscreen viewing

*Bullet*WritingML – No ML problems

*Bullet*Dialogue. –No tag problems

*Bullet*Punctuation. – No punctuation problems

*Bullet*Spelling.

the affect effect

*Star*Intermediate Structure – 2.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction.

Some callow feelings were pushing Bikal from behind as he was walking on the streets of Kathmandu. Your very first sentence stars off with two uses of the passive voice (is, was, were, to be, etc), which weakens your writing. Try being just a bit more active: Some callow feelings pushed Bikal from behind as he walked on the streets of Kathmandu. Little changes, but it makes it read a bit tighter.

That was not just because he was at his hometown- his country after very long And I'm not sure what you are trying to say here

And after a very long time, either both of them were helping each other evoke their past, or at least Kathmandu was helping Bikal to sail again from a port from where he had once sailed. Awkward and hard to follow

get-up-and-go, jokes, mirth, politics, friends and etc the 'etc' is awkward and unnecessary; either cut it entirely or try another phrase like 'and other random activities'

While Bikal was at Russia, awkward, do you mean 'in Russia'?

he was not the least sentient that time and circumstances were constructing a huge wall between them the 'sentient' is awkward; do you mean 'he never realized'?

The wall, at the end, became so sky-scraping that Bikal never dared to scramble it over to get to Jyoti, because he knew well that he couldn’t. hard to follow; since you are so jumpy I wasn't sure at first you weren't talking about a real wall on the path

he was never able to obviate the shadows of his past following him confusing; I lost it on the 'shadows following him' bit.

Bikal was still walking on the footpath, alert that he was walking, but not quite aware that others were also walking there. Repetitive

But, out of the blue, a face among the faces, which he happened to see by a great chance or two, tried to coincide with the face he was thinking about at that moment. Awkward and wordy; too many clauses

You are frequently wordy; you need to work on cutting unnecessary pieces.

He looked at the couple, assuming the man to be her husband, tried to rate them Fragmental and jerky

Just in no time awkward; here also let far seeing him. ??? I'm unclear with what you are saying. My assumption is that English is a second language for you, and I would suggest reading some of the better pieces on the site – perhaps pieces listed within the newsletters or past newsletters – to give you a feel for the language. You do a good job, but you have several rough spots that are the result of putting phrases together incorrectly. intractable feelings ??


*Bullet*Paragraph construction.

The footpath, just in front of Tri Chandra College where he once used to study, was taking Bikal once again to his youth- the days filled with get-up-and-go, jokes, mirth, politics, friends and etc, apart from studies. It took him Your first sentence is very unwieldy and hard to follow, so the 'it' in the second is confusing. We are thinking about college days & activities and you are jerking us back to the path.

Bikal guessed the man to be her husband. Moreover, he thought he was the man with whom Jyoti was married. Both of them gave him the same logic though. Your first two sentences are repetitive, and I had a hard time following your last.

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story.

Jyoti was married to another man, whom Bikal never wanted to know, shortly after he went to Russia The Russia reference is confusing me. Because you only mentioned Nepal as a title, it didn't stick that he wasn't in Russia (plus I'm not as up on my geograhy as I should be) so I was unclear at what point he went to Russia, etc.

The flashback section is awkward and unnecessary. I think it would run smoother if you have him visualize/remember as he walked, and thread snatches of thoughts and memories into the present, rather than taking us completely out of the flow of the story and into the past, then jerking us back in the present.

Her face had anything but regret and sorrow. The regret and sorrow that Bikal had thought their separation and her marriage with another man must have given to her. Repetitive

I'm unclear about the ending encounter; was that supposed to be a former lover he did not remember?

*Star*Content – 5.75 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – I liked the idea of the reflection on the past by courtesy of location. I liked seeing the old lover as happy, and realizing that she didn't pine (though the marriage would help dispell that idea). What I didn't like was the 'telling' nature of the piece. Although the story is based on remiscing, you don't actually show us any memories, you simply tell us they exist. I'd like to see you delve deeper into the past, perhaps touch briefly on why he thinks she have married someone else and yearned for him. The story as it stands is very much 'telling' and very little 'showing', so we only have your word to take for it, rather than seeing things for ourselves. A very good piece on telling versus showing is "Invalid Item .

I like the random encounter, but think you should perhaps drag it out a bit more. Also, the transition into it was very abrupt and confusing, not to mention odd. He noticed no one then noticed her? Unlikely. Perhaps he is searching for her without knowing himself.

*Bullet*Character definition. – Your characters were very flat. Although you take us well inside the narrators head, even so, we are left with many questions. By putting more 'showing' – by revealing how he reacted, even slightly, within his memories – you would make us care more for him. As it is, we don't really have much time or reason to grow fond of him or care about his loss. He seems distant, rather than close.

*Bullet*Language. – You had some great scene descriptions, which I'd love to see you implement more into aspects other than visual. That is, you are great at exploring what he (and others) look like, but miss out describing actions and emotions, even the little ones.

whose age is also evidently shown You switch from past tense to present here; awkward.

As I said, you overrely on the passive voice. See "Invalid Item for some help with that. In case you doubt: The old Kathmandu, all crumpled with tapered cobwebbed roads, running everywhere possible, was not a stranger for Bikal, whose age is also evidently shown by his wrinkled skin and white hair. They were old friends, alienated by time, who had shared a lot of moments together in the past. And after a very long time, either both of them were helping each other evoke their past, or at least Kathmandu was helping Bikal to sail again from a port from where he had once sailed.

as if he was seeing an inclusive sensation ?? not sure about this image

*Bullet*Reaction. – I like the introspective nature of this piece, and the resolution. I liked the wandering. However, this piece seemed to only scrape the surface; there could be so much more within it that would make the reader relate and react.

*Star*Flow – 2.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – Your sentence structure is awkward and wordy. Even we native English speaking writers have a hard time cutting unnecessary words; I can only imagine your problem is compounded. Look out for various conjegations of 'to be' -> is, was, were, etc.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – Your paragraphs fit well together. Just watch out for repetition.

*Bullet*Progression. – You jump through this piece. I would consider merging the flashback into the present, as he walks. Also, watch out not to repeat yourself.

*Star*Relation to Prompt – 4.0 of 5 stars – This is definitely a short story, and an emotional one at that. I'm rating down because you touch only shallowly on the emotions evinsced and thus the dramatic part falls a little flat.

*Star*Overall: This is an interesting perspective in a picturesque setting. I'd like to see you do more with it, but you have some great images.

*Star*3 suggestions for improvement: I always suggest three points for improvement. These are the biggest things that need addressing in ascending order.

Suggestion #3 – Avoid the passive voice – was, were, is, etc. Not totally, but try to cut out your reliance.

Suggestion #2 – Expand this piece to more fully encompass the dramatic tension

Suggestion #1 – Your sentence structure is very awkward and wordy. I don't know how to help you with that, other than to suggest you do more English reading to get a feel for it.

Contest Score: 20.0/25

*Star*Star Total: 16.0/25 *Star*
Averaged: 3.2/5.0
Rounded: 3.0

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Review of Hell Found Me  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Balloon1*Thanks For Participating in "Invalid Item*Balloon1*


This is a fantastic, heart-wrenching story. See "Invalid Item for more information on my reviewing techniques.

*Star*Basic Structure – 4.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly listed as a short story, with three appropriate genres.

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title and brief description are appropriate, but the story doesn't focus quite so much on the decision (which you tell us at the beginning). Instead, it is more of a focus on the little girl. I would consider something more central to the piece such as (and this is off my head rough, but should give you an idea) "Hi, it's the State".

*Bullet*Spacing. – You are consistant with your doublespacing. I'm not sure I liked the fact that you didn't ds when 'state called' but you are consistant enough that I don't think it was an error. I'd consider adding a line break but it's up to you.

*Bullet*WritingML – No writingML probs that I saw

*Bullet*Dialogue. –No dialogue tags

*Bullet*Punctuation. – No punctuation errors that I saw

*Bullet*Spelling. – No spelling errors that I saw

next 2 years spell out numbers ten and under; here also 4 hours

*Star*Intermediate Structure – 4.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction.

I know that’s a strange word to use in conjunction with a baby, but aloof is exactly the right word. Repetition; consider 'but aloof described her expression perfectly' or something to that effect

she became part of our family, a permanent addition to our holiday and family celebrations. Repetition

My son, Bill, and Janet got married This is awkward. Since you've already introduced Janet, why not Janet married my son, Bill

She had to go back to her mother because her mother was getting better, said the State Awkward ending. Maybe 'the State said' or 'according to the State'?

*Bullet*Paragraph construction.

The State said Abby's mother was fit enough to have custody and she was being released from jail. At the age of 19 months, they took her Pronoun confusion; her = Abby's mother

She was sentenced to live with a total stranger in one room. We were told not to pack a lot of clothes or a lot of toys because there would be no room for them. Repetition

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story.

She watched me This was awkward – I couldn't tell on first read if 'she' was the baby or the speaker (Janet). It implies the speaker but, of course, was not.

The only problem I had with overall progression is that you tell us the end at the beginning; it sort of defeats the tension. Perhaps move some of the beginning to the end? I would also consider just starting it with She was 15 months old when I first saw her

*Star*Content – 8.75 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – This story breaks my heart, not the least of because I know not only could it happen but that it DOES happen. I liked the way you tell the tale; this is one instance when a mostly-telling story works well, though I would like to see more into the scenes. I love the detail you give when you DO put us into a scene, such as the first time the narrator met the little girl. If you could extrapolate that to the rest of the story, I think this would truly shine. Rather than taking us expose by expose, consider inserting us into various scenes in the narrators life. Granted, this would make for a longer story, but one that I think would have a great deal of potential.

If you would like, I can refer this to an onsite friend who grew up as a foster child. She might help with any of the realism bits. If you've had experience with the foster care system, *Blush* just ignore this comment. Or not. But if you would like her feedback, let me know. I can't make any promises that she will read it, but all I can do is ask. *Smile*

A few quibbles:

Her foster family didn’t mind us taking her This is the problem. I had a boyfriend in highschool whose parents were foster parents. I don't know how much they vary the laws by state, but in NC, foster kids were ONLY allowed to be with people who had passed the state exam and were licensed – I don't kow the word – foster people? So I could never help out and babysit.

When the shelter was full What shelter? Was Abby's mother in a women's or homeless shelter? You just throw this in and it's hard to follow

Her only respite was her weekends with Janet and Bill I'm unclear; why was she spending weekends with them? They weren't even her foster parents but if they were, why would she spend the weekends with them? Or WERE they foster parents, with the friend being Abby's mother? Very unclear.

*Bullet*Character definition. – Your narrator is … interesting. We get his emotional range but don't really see him as a person. It's actually hard to visualize him as a man because you only make the one reference. He just sort of 'floats'. The only character you really detail is Abby, and only because there is not much to tell.

I said earlier this works as a mostly 'telling' piece, and this is one example. It may be just my personal preference, but I felt that this story would be rip-your-heart out good (as opposed to just heart wrenching) if you added more detail to the story and the characters lives so that we could more fully identify with them. That said, this is very well done, and you may want to post a 'revised' story separate, because this DOES do well. It's up to you.

*Bullet*Language. – You use mostly strong verbs, few adjectives, and despite telling in a flashback, very rarely use the passive voice. Your writing is clear and strong, and enjoyable to read.

*Bullet*Reaction. – This caused a lump in my heart, and goosebumps. I found very little wrog with it – mostly minor technical things – probably the biggest one being the fact that the story was told as a flashback (pet peeve). You even handled that well.

*Star*Flow – 4.5 of 5 stars – There were a few errors and awkward spots that broke the flow, but overall this was smooth and easy. Even the transitions between flashbacks and present were smooth.

*Star*Relation to Prompt – 4.75 of 5 stars – Only the fact that you gave away the ending (thus reducing dramatic tension) keeps this from a perfect five stars. I felt that it would be more dramatic if told in sequence. Otherwise, this fully relates – a very dramatic short story.

*Star*Overall: This was a great – well,not great but emotional – read. I loved the way you pulled us into the story.

*Star*3 suggestions for improvement: I always suggest three points for improvement. These are the biggest things that need addressing in ascending order.

Suggestion #3 – Consider – and it's up to you – delving more into the story, elaborating more.

Suggestion #2 – Watch out for repetition

Suggestion #1 – Check out the few technical quibbles (and if I misstate, ignore them).

Contest Score: 27.5/30

*Star*Star Total: 22.75/25 *Star*
Averaged: 4.55/5.0
Rounded: 4.5

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111
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Balloon1*Thank You For Entering "Invalid Item!*Balloon1*


This was a horrible, horrible story. The writing was great, but the story itself was very emotional and traumatic. You are a very talented writer, and so I hope you understand what I mean when I say that I was pretty miserable by the conclusion – it is a testament to your writing. See "Invalid Item for more information on my reviewing techniques.

I know there are a lot of nitpicky items through here, particularly in the second and third section. However, most of them are very VERY nitpicky. Your writing style is very good and clean.

*Star*Basic Structure – 4.25 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly listed as a short story, with three appropriate genrs.

*Bullet*Title & Description. – I like the title and the brief description. However, the bd does sort of imply the ending; perhaps remove 'terrible'?

*Bullet*Spacing. – I personally prefer doublespacing for on-line items; however, you indent each paragraph, so it works out great. A few errors.

You missed your indent with this line. Robby nods, abruptly making for the stairway. and here The girl enthusiastically shakes his hand. and here Robby turns over And here. It takes a moment for it to register.

*Bullet*WritingML – No problems here.

*Bullet*Dialogue. – No tag errors; I always knew who was speaking.

*Bullet*Punctuation. – Most of your punctuation involves dialogue tags. See "Invalid Item , particularly the 'rant on dialogue tags'.

“Because you disobeyed me.” Robby’s voice rumbles. comma after 'me'

It’s 6:00, Karen” he says. comma after 'Karen'

“Why didn’t you tell me she was locked out?” He screams lowercase 'he'

*Bullet*Spelling. – No misspelled words; these were all capitalization issues.

“I was proud, Rob!” She screams lowercase 'she'

told her anyways I am *pretty* sure this should be 'anyway'

The new year’s ball Not sure – you'll have to doublecheck – but shouldn't 'New Year's' be capitalized? Here also. Happy new year

*Star*Intermediate Structure – 4.25 of 5 stars

*Bullet*What You Did Right–As I said, you did a great job here. Most of these are ultra-nitpicky. You didn't have any fragments or run-on sentences. This was a very clean piece.

*Bullet*Sentence construction.

She sighs, dropping it onto the carpet. The 'it' here is vague, since the glass shard wasn't mentioned for some time. I'd repeat and/or clarify.

Lily sits in the snow, listening in. I'm not sure about the 'in', but I'd consider noting where in the snow she is; by the door, in the yard, etc.

*Bullet*Paragraph construction.

These sentences should be in two different paragraphs; otherwise, we think perhaps he is speaking. Honey?” He holds the door open

He turns his face away. She grabs his face Repetitive. Perhaps she can grab his cheeks (like a small child) and turn his face towards her? That's what I visualized, anyway; you could state it without repeating yourself.

He drags it over to the others. What others? Don't you mean to his father?

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story.

she asks as he passes.
“My camera,” he calls down from atop of the balcony
She passes him on the steps, and that quickly he is on the balcony? Was he running? This seems a bit…jarring. Perhaps you could have him at the top of the stairs?

I made it down here alright, but I’m not really sure how to get to my car, you know?” This was very confusing to me. I had a hard time with the visualization process. I had to read the story (all the way through) twice and then stop and think for sure. Did she have to walk down the steps to go from the car to the house? It's hard to follow.

The thick aroma of alcohol eventually lulls him to sleep. Is this left over from the previous bottle, or is he drinking more? If it's from before, you might want to mention the broken bottle still on the floor, the alcohol puddled.

Give me the phone.”
“Hello?” he speaks groggily into the phone
Repetition.

One other thing I noticed was your frequent point of view shifts never really took us into anyone's heads. I think this story might be more powerful if it was told fully from one point of view, such as Gabriel's. You need not reveal, for instance, what was said on the phone, but by locking us into that perspective, you negate much of the shifting around.

*Star*Content – 9.0 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – I enjoyed the way you told the story; I can't say I enjoyed the story. It was well written and heart-wrenching. There were a few details

It makes you smell like you’ve been drinking. I have to confess, my hackles went up here. If he is a recovering alcoholic, I can't believe hers didn't.

she asks as he passes.
“My camera,” he calls down from atop of the balcony
She passes him on the steps, and that quickly he is on the balcony? Was he running? This seems a bit…jarring.

She just had to yell at Daddy. As a mom, I didn't like this line. Most parents try to shield their kids, even after the fact. "Mommy and Daddy were just disagreeing." However, it makes more sense for later. This felt awkward, though; perhaps you could somehow hint that this is standard for her. It just seemed very sudden and abrupt.

Casting one more stinging look up at Robby, she steps into her boots and shuts the door firmly behind her. So she is all ready for the New Year's party? Don't women generally have to do a bit more to get ready? Like, hair, makeup, etc? If she was doing it, why didn't she see him in the bedroom? Was she perhaps in the bathroom down the hall?

during the first few verses of the national anthem. Don't they usually play that other song…Auld…I can't remember the name of the song. But not the anthem.

*Bullet*Character definition. – The characters were very well created and consistant. I just had one problem: Gabriel. I cannot for the life of me determine his age. You walk a fine line with him, and I'll tell you why.
         At times, you treat him like a child, a very young child. For instance, His mother lifts him up and cradles him in her arms, running her fingers through his hair.. Also, the fact that he was too afraid of his dad to come out of his room – that makes me think he is young, because an older child would have known enough to risk it. These two make me target his age between four and six.
         However, there is the ending. For Gabriel to be able to be able to pick up the shovel, much less draw blood; well, I just don't believe he could do that at six. Perhaps at eight or ten, but then he would know that he needed to unlock the door no matter what his daddy said. You see what I mean?
         I read this before bed and tried to think of a resolution; the only one I could seize upon was, perhaps, to make him mentally handicapped – just slightly – so he would have a grown boy's size with a younger, more innocent mentality. You may think of a better solution yourself, but as it stands now, the contrast mars the story. It's still a great story, but on reflection, it doesn't fit, KWIM? (know what I mean?) That's the biggest reason for the markdown here; however, you handle it so well that I think for most it would be unnoticed.

BTW, I like how Gabriel had an angel's name. I think it might work better if Lilly did, as well (and especially), but I could be off…I don't remember many angels mentioned in scripture, but even something obvious like 'Angelina' or 'Sara short for Seraphim' might work. But that's up to you.

*Bullet*Language. – Overall, you have some great strong, vivid language that brings the story to life. There were a few instances of 'wrong word'ing that I noted, but these are very nitpicky. Also, you use the present tense. In general, I dislike it, but you are consistant with it, and after two or three paragraphs, it is invisible. You did a great job with a difficult trick, and I commend you for it.

the air is bitter I don't see the image of bitter air fitting in with this description. Do you mean something more along the lines of 'sharp' ? Perhaps another word.

fumbles through her keys. I know you mean she is fumbling through the various keys on her ring, but this is awkward; perhaps fumbles 'with'?

Watch out for adverbs, which weaken your writing. You sort of toe the line with them, so just keep an eye out.
“A shoemat…” she sighs, dreamily.
“A house!” he exclaims, gesturing about emphatically.


nodding his head softly I'm not sure how you nod your head softly?

The little boy folds the hem of his hat up I would perhaps specify that it is a 'snow' hat or a 'knit' hat or a 'woolen' hat. The first image that sprang to my mind was a baseball cap, and it left me wondering…I had to think it through.

waddling back and forth in his little boots ?? Not sure about him waddling here. Is he swaying from side to side or shifting from foot to foot?

You use a lot of the passive voice in this paragraph. There, curled up with a yellow blanket . Usually I would detail them but this is pretty much your only instance of it, and as this is a public review, I don't want to spoil the end. However, I think that using more active verbs would make this writing stronger. See "Invalid Item for details on the passive voice, or, if you'd like, I can send you an email.

*Bullet*Reaction. – This was a very heart-wrenching story. It was well written, and yet I hated it – that is the content and resolution, not you. What that means is that you created a realistic world that drew me in so that I empathized with these characters and hated to see these bad things happen.

*Star*Flow – 4.75 of 5 stars This was a very smooth piece. There were a few minor errors that made it 'jerky' but overall you did well with it.

*Star*Relevance to Prompt – 4. 5 of 5 stars – This piece certainly evoked emotion. We saw a great range in Robby in particular. I didn't see him necessarily grow FROM the emotions, but you covered the gauntlet and conlcuded in such a way that I was quite choked up.

*Star*Overall: I have seen pieces with awardicons that made me wonder what the giver was thinking. I am always worried about reviewing anything that comes preawarded because it seems the writer may take that to mean their work is done. However, this piece fully deserves the icon which it holds. It is well written, emotional, and heartbreaking. You draw us into the story and the characters.

*Star*3 suggestions for improvement: I always suggest three points for improvement. These are the biggest things that need addressing in ascending order.

Suggestion #3 – Perhaps consider telling it from one point of view

Suggestion #2 – Watch out for inconsistancies and difficulties; rough spots.

Suggestion #1 – Clear up the inconsistancies around Gabriel's age

Contest Score: 26.75/25

*Star*Star Total: 22.25/25 *Star*
Averaged: 4.45/5.0
Rounded: 4.5

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112
Review of The Imagination  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.0)
What an interesting poll! I found this on the public reviewing page.

From a technical perspective:

*Star*If you want maximum exposure, you need to add three genres. I suggest 'career, opinion, experience'. I would also suggest adding 'anyone' to your brief description, as in, 'if you could be anyone'. I'm not sure about your title, though.

*Star*I found no spelling or punctuation errors.

*Star*Most of your answers have words that should be in lowercase.

Structurally speaking:

*Star* This To be a doctor that discovers a cure means that you would definately have noteriety and wealth, you would also feel good about yourself. is a run-on sentence. Perhaps add a semicolon after 'wealth', perhaps split it in two.

*Star*This sentence is awkwardly worded. To be a mobster is …fear and death lurking around every corner. I would rephrase the structure of the sentence, and not start with 'to be'.

*Star*This whole sentence is wordy and awkward. Only, you rarely get the respect you deserve, you are rarely seen as the person you truly are and your every move is talked down and picked apart

*Star*Sentence fragment. Not to mention going prematurely gray

*Star*This sentence is wordy and repetitive. I guess it is more of a thoughtful question, where you ponder the repercussions of fame, since all occupations chosen do involve fame.

In terms of content:

*Star*I would make this stronger. the public admiration gets to you. 'Gets to you' is vague.

*Star*You change subjects in this sentence. of course you can always act (if you have the talent) but then we are

*Star*Since this site has many international members, I'd consider elaborating this statement Finally President. Do you mean 'Pres of the US' or just 'Pres of a country'?

*Star*'Doing' is weak; consider 'taking'. Thank you for doing the poll

*Star*Your question all by itself is strange. You use the 'I' for the question so we think it is about you. Is the question about you or me?

*Star*I'm sure the previous person you mentioned told you the intro was a bit wordy; I believe I saw that on the public reviews. However, I would suggest moving the question to the beginning of the intro so that we can be thinking of the ramifications WHILE we read the various details.

*Star*You didn't give us much wiggle room; I can't believe you didn't list 'a famous writer'. *Wink*

*Star*Incidentally, your answers aren't all the same; you didn't portray the negatives of being a doctor. For instance, a ton of time (and money) in med school and internships, a job at all hours of the night, and having to watch people you couldn't save die. This is the only one you did not present the negatives, which may have skewed your results.

Overall:

*Star*This is an interesting poll with some intriguing career choices.

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Review of Inside The Dark  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a very emotional piece. I like the detached manner you tell this story in.

From a technical perspective:

*Star*This is correctly listed as a short story, with three appropriate genres. I would consider changing from 'parenting' to 'womens'. I think that would be a more appropriate piece.

*Star*I love your title and feel your brief description fits this well.

*Star*Oops! *Blush* Wrong 'breaks'. He slams on the breaks. It's 'brakes'

*Star*Comma after 'forward' I fly forward hitting my shoulder and neck on his seat.

*Star*Comma after 'cooking', lowercase 'my' “Tell them that you hurt your hand cooking.” My father commands.

*Star*Lowercase 'my'; “At this time of night?” My mother asks You do this in a couple of spots. See "Invalid Item for details; specifically the rant on dialogue tags.

Structurally speaking:

*Star*The repetition breaks the flow of this sentence. I am not telling you again to put on your shoes.” But the anger is gone from his voice again.

*Star*The repetition also mars this sentnece. I look around my room. From the hall light, I can see my room is immaculate.

*Star*And here. I open my eyes and look her in the eyes.

In terms of content:

*Star*This is a great story. I think the detached manner you use fits this so well. I love the various sensations you use, particularly the way you brought us into the story with the feel of the carpet. I love the way you use repetition to make your points; I see this as an inner struggle well defined. The only problem I had was with the ending; I'm not sure I saw the upcoming result. However, I also see it as necessary, and with the struggle, you left us wondering right up to the end.

Overall:

*Star*I am very glad that you felt compelled to share this story. I love the inner struggle. I loved the voice. I thought this was well told and you held the reader's interest throughout.

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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a wildly entertaining story! I kept seeing this over and over on the public reviewing page, and I just had to R&R it! And I am so glad I did! *Bigsmile*

From a technical perspective:

*Star*Your title was great, although I'd suggest perhaps revising the brief description to fit the story. Also, you don't need a comma in your brief description.

*Star*This is correctly listed as a short story, with three appropriate genres. I might suggest 'parenting' as opposed to 'fantasy', but either one works.

*Star*Close quote here “You’re pretending, so you can sneak attack!

Structurally speaking:

*Star*I'm not sure if you mean this as one sentence or two, but you do this consistantly. You say “Dragons DON’T eat broccoli!” He roared. Do you mean that he roared the dialogue? Or did he say it and then roar? The way you have it as saying, then roaring, but if you mean he roared the dialogue, you need a lowercase 'he'.

In terms of content:

*Star*I loved the ingeniuity (sp?) of the mom! She's great! I wish I could think that fast, or get my kids to believe me when I do, LOL.

*Star*For your first two segments, 'the dragon' did something that was nonrepetitive. For instance, the Mommy refers to trees, and 'the dragon destroyed the forest' (not
trees); the mommy refers to 'gold and diamonds' and the dragon hides 'treasure'. Then in the rest, you get repetitive; if you take a look, you'll see what I mean. I thought it flowed better in the first two, but if you choose to keep the end, I'd change the first two to be more consistant.

*Star*I really liked your active verbs. You might consider 'displayed' or 'preened' for the 'scales' section, but overall, you have great diction choices.

Overall:

*Star*This was a fantastically written story that I would defintiely purchase if I saw it on the bookshelves! Very cute and wonderful! Have you submitted it for publication? This is great! *Bigsmile*

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Review of Dying for freedom  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I found this on the public reviewing page. I told you I would R&R it, and here I am! See, hate rates can be helpful! *Bigsmile*

This review pulls out most of the negatives. Let me first say that a) I agree with your point of view and b) I'm actually trying to rate on your clarity of presentation (you know, your writing) rather than opinions. I try to do that with all opinionated pieces, including and especially those I disagree with, because after all, we are searching for feedback on writing, right? *Wink*

From a technical perspective:

*Star*I liked your title. I love how it captures the essence of the arguement. I would consider revising your brief description...but I think I realize why you didn't. Stating it point blank makes it non-E, huh? What about something like How many people have to die so I (or you or women) have the right to choose? Or How many babies does it take to equal one woman? Or something like that.

*Star*You have this correctly listed as an article, but I would recommend three genres so this gains more exposure. Some suggestions might be 'political, women, and opinion', not to mention 'experience, parenting, family, emotional'.

*Star*Lowercase 'million' 46 Million abortions

*Star*Not sure, but shouldn't Holocaust be capitalized?

*Star*Comma before and after 'though' One could say though that

*Star*You say they're not full proof It's 'foolproof'. You use this a couple of times

Structurally speaking:

*Star*This sentence feels a little long, and thus it makes it more confusing. We've been told time and time again that we live in democratic societies, societies that give us freedom, but there is a group of individuals in society that have paid the ultimate price for this freedom, they paid for it with their lives. Do you mean that we've been told about this group, or simply that this group exists? That is part of the confusion.

*Star*I understand the transition you are trying to make here At three months old an unborn child is two and a half to three inches long and is fully formed. However, the jump from passionate to clinical - the jump in tone as well as subject - is awkward and disorienting. I get the feeling you were trying to 'trick' your audience, with the title (although you have the brief description) and the intro. I'd consider making it less 'trick' and thus less confusing. In fact, as I continue reading, this paragraph feels very disjointed; there is a jump between the first and second sentence.

*Star*Was this meant to be one connected sentence via ellipses (... so there should be three), or did you just add an extra period? *Blue*The "termination" of a pregnancy has a horrific consequence..It kills a child I would consider a dash, instead.

*Star*This paragraph was somewhat awkward. Then there is the argument that some women get pregnant as a result of rape. You start off saying that you don't want to dwell...then you do. Also, some of your inter-paragraph transitions are rough. For instance, I would add 'however' to this sentence. This tragic situation results

*Star*Wha-? I'm not sure what you are trying to say here Women do not in fact allow their unborn child to live in the womb, so long as the mother is healthy the child will develop normally without any assistance from the mother. Also, it's a run-on sentence. I think it was made a bit clearer by the next line, but I reread this one two or three times before moving on because I was confused.

In terms of content:

*Star*Although I agree wholeheartedly, it - legally - is her 'right'. But, it's not her right. I'd consider perhaps another word? Though I'm not sure what to offer up.

*Star*I totally agree with this statement, but I felt it was a little wordy and awkward. Unless we are to witness another virgin birth, a woman can safely say that if she doesn't have sex she wont get pregnant.

*Star*This is an interesting thought...If women had transparent stomachs would they be so quick to condemn the growing child to death? However, I think they would, because up to the three month point, a baby/fetus is so small it's hard to see.

*Star*I like the arguments you make, but I think you could have a clearer layout. This feels as though you skip around somewhat, rather than moving in towards a clearly defined goal.

Overall:

*Star*In addition to agreeing with you wholeheartedly, I thought you made some great points.

         On a side note, I've always wanted to print up a bumper sticker for my car, but I'm afraid I might get shot, LOL. It would read Pro-choice: choose not to have sex (I thought 'if you don't want to get pregnant' might be too long *Wink*)

Write on!
SG

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Review of The Mighty Hunter  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a hysterical juxtaposition of real life versus the Nature channel.

From a technical perspective:

*Star*I would label this something other than 'other'. If you notice, you can't search for an 'other' to read, soo by leaving this as 'other, you are missing out on viewers/readers. I would consider, at least, 'fiction'. Your three genres, however, are great.

*Star*I like your title and your brief description. I would seriously consider moving the note regarding the contest entry to the end of your piece (perhaps in italics). I've noticed many Writing.com members don't read/review a lot of contest entries, for various reasons. Thus I always suggest citing the contest at the close.

*Star*This should have a comma instead of a semicolon, since this all one sentence. The mighty hunter surveys its territory from on high; alert for interlopers, be they predator or prey.

*Star*No comma here. Razor-sharp claws grip and rend, as it dispatches the victim

*Star*I found no spelling or spacing errors in this piece.

In terms of content:

*Star*This was aboslutely hysterical. You did a good job of maintaining two seperate voices throughout this piece, and were consistant in tone for both.

*Star*The last part of your sentence was awkward. a warning for those who would pass that a mighty hunter dwells here, no other may

*Star*You use the word 'its' here quite frequently; it makes the piece feel repetitive. Kudos for using the correct version, though!

*Star*This sentence makes it sound as though the eye is vigilant. An eye opens, ever vigilant for the dangers that may appear, then closes lazily again

*Star*This seems out of character. I don’t care if you spill it, just gimme my food! ... Thank you.” I'm not sure the 'mighty hunter' would honor us with a thank you. *Wink*

Overall:

*Star*This was a fantastically hysterical piece that no animal lover should miss! *Laugh* I think you'll get a kick out of it!

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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (5.0)
All I can say is, wow. What a great piece.

From a technical perspective:

*Star*This is a fantastic title with a great brief description. Your genres totally fit this piece. Did I mention I *Heart*love*Heart* your title and brief description?

*Star*I only found one technical error, and that was - if it wouldn’t be the original person who snatched something from a web site who would be at fault, and not the persons who continued forwarding I was going to tell you 'persons' should be 'person's', as in 'that person's fault', or at least 'the persons' fault'. However, on reread, I realized that you meant that those 'persons' would be AT fault, so this wasn't, technically, an error. However, I would consider revising it so it's a little clearer.

*Star*Not sure the bolding works, just because it makes it a touch harder to read.

In terms of content:

*Star*There is no way I can offer any suggestions to improve this piece. It is a fantastic essay with great organization. I love your examples.

*Star*I have to tell you, you have given me some serious food for thought. It's amazing how many things can get stolen so easily on the 'net. I will totally remember to do doublechecks henceforth, and I'm sending this to my mother-in-law, queen of the forwards. And my grandmother, too, cuz she's also a great forwarder. However, what I won't do is cut this out and forward it to either of them. I have a feeling it would get sent all over the 'net, sans any link or referal I might send. <sigh>


Overall:

This is a great piece! I absolutely love it!

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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.0)
This piece had no point. But I'm glad my hubbie is finally a writer! *Bigsmile* Since you're my hubbie and are writing on my orders, I'll be a little blunter. *Wink*

From a technical perspective:

*Star*You have this listed as 'other' but it will never get read and reviewed that way. You have to actually list it as something. I would consider 'nonfiction'. Then add three genres, which will get it more exposure. Remember, real writers want reviews! *Bigsmile* So I suggestion 'experience', 'family', 'career', 'parenting', 'ersonal' and maybe 'tragedy'. LOL. Then folks other than me will read this sensational bit of writing! *Bigsmile*

*Star*Spell out words ten and under, such as 5 to 6 days; also here 1 time in the last 2 months and here my 5 speed car only has 3 gears . You sure like numbers! *Bigsmile*

*Star*I'd add a comma after 'days'; Most days I just go through the motions

*Star*You misspelled 'because'. cut it becuase I didn't have time

*Star*Also misspelled 'anyway' here any way

In terms of content:

*Star*This is an interesting tidbit, though I was sad *Frown* not to see you telling everyone that the biggest source of contention for you is that your wife is always online on some writing community and won't let you use the computer for the twenty minutes you are home, awake, and not eating.

*Star*This sentence is a little vauge. I do everything that I can to get everything done

*Star*I think if you get paid it isn't considered 'helping' - but I love you anyways. I spent 12 hours helping someone move on Saturday

*Star*This is also vague. instead of doing the work that I needed to do Why not tell us what needs to be done? Give us a concrete example.

*Star*Now that you've already complained that the review is longer you still want more details. Okay, this is a three because, well, it doesn't really make a huge point. YOu establish that you are busy but you don't walk us through what you have to do. I think a play-by-play story would be more helpful. It would help us to empathize with you.

         That said, it's not worth a lower score because you do establish and support your point, and I love your wrap up. Very Tom Hanks of you.

Overall:

*Star*This is a great insight into your life and the frustration you are going with. I'd send you a hug but it would be a lot easier (and maybe more helpful) if I put the computer down and give you one.

And, yes, this is longer than your piece. What can I say. It's an addiction!

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Review of "Pass It On"  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a great group. Generous and helpful.

From a technical perspective:

*Star*Capitalize the first letter of the sentence here this was all with your help.

*Star*You need to add a period at the end of the sentence here. If you have ideas for the fundraiser contest, I am happy to hear them, just send me an email

*Star*I really like your use of writingML. It really makes the piece *pop*.

In terms of content:

*Star*This is a run-on sentence, and you need to break it up. There will be several contest that will help to go toward these upgrades you can find those in "Fun(d)raisers". By the way, I like the 'funraisers'

*Star*I think you mean 'participate' here And your participation in some way with the fundraisers ie judge,donate ect . Also a space after the comma.

*Star*I really like the way you list the groups and contests. I especially enjoyed the fact that you labled the contests as such.

Overall:

*Star*Great group. I wish you the best of luck in raising gps.

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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon1*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Balloon1*


This is an interesting poll. I found it on the public reviewing page and couldn't resist opening it, although had I randomly come across it, I think the title alone would have drawn me in.

From a technical perspective:

*Star*I found no spacing or punctuation errors, but I would change this non Christian to one word in your poll, title, and brief description.

*Star*Your brief description basically repeats the title. I would focus more on the text, or even elaborate with something like I'm curious on your views of the afterlife. Remember, often the title & brief description are the only thing a reader sees, so you want to get their attention. That said, I would also consider revising your title so as not to repeat your poll question.

In terms of content:

*Star*This was an interesting poll. I'm curious to know what percentage answering were of what religion. Obviously, a Jewish or Muslim person is not going to answer They will cease to exist. If you want only Christians to answer, I would consider specifying.

*Star*Your first sentence, This is a simple poll. is unnecessary and detracts from the poll.

*Star*Your question itself changes verb tenses; you go from future ('will happen') to present ('dies'). What do you think will happen when a non Christian dies?

*Star*I would seriously consider adding an 'other' answer for folks to email you with, in case you have missed something. That way you get all the possibilities.

*Star*Grrr. Somehow I missed this answer become christian in the hereafter ('Christian' should be capitalized), which is where my vote lies. So consider the vote skewed; I voted for the eternal reward. Sorry.

*Star*Other than the 'other', I think you cover the gauntlet of answers fairly well.

Overall:

*Star*This was an interesting poll to take and especially to see the results of. Well done.

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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is an interesting poem. Sadly, the only reason I know the quote by Mr. Robinson is because I watched the 100 best movie quotes, or whatever it was called. *Wink*

From a technical perspective:

*Star*I found no punctuation or spacing errors. You did misspell Fantastic in the title, though. Also, this Now it sets should be 'sits' and Some time is one word.

*Star*You have this labled as a draft, which is fine; in fact, I commend you for posting it if you are still working on it. Hopefully it will be relabled as poetry soon. *Smile*

*Star*I'm not sure about the print color, but otherwise I like your use of WritingML for centering and bolding.

*Star*Sadly, you can't use WritingML in your brief description - I've tried many times - so I would pull out the attempt to center. I do like your use of the tildas, though.

*Star*I thought this "future's" was kind of awkward, with the quotes and apostrophe.

*Star*I'm not sure about the cowboy reference, but I'm thinking it had something todo with the movie? If not it doesn't quite fit.

In terms of content:

*Star*I like the message behind this poem - plastic bad (yes, I know that's a gross oversimplification) - but I felt that the subject was a little rough (perhaps that's why it's still a draft? *Smile*). There were a few awkward lines:
Being somebody's dumped
Now leaves itself in refuse
Before it fills our cup.

The last line in particular is vague; before what fills our cup? Plastic? What cup?

*Star*Your rhyme scheme is awkward. I was thrown because three lines in your first stanza rhyme, rather than the two used throughout the rest. Also, you varied. Your rhyme scheme goes
First Stanza - aaba
Second Stanza - ccdd
Third Stanza - efgf (thus far not one is the same)
Fourth Stanza - hiji
Fifth Stanza - klml

The last three are the same, but the first three are all different. Very confusing to read.

Overall:

*Star*I liked the premise behind this poem. It has a lot of potential.

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Review of Bad reads?  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon1*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Balloon1*


Hmm, this is an interesting poll. I found it on the public reviewing page, so looks like you got a little free publicity! *Bigsmile*

From a technical perspective:

*Star*I found no spelling, punctuation, or spacing errors. I did feel that you didn't need to capitalize 'honest' here, though -> (Be Honest)

*Star*I liked your title and your brief description. Both were original, fit the piece, and reeled me in. However, they did sort of repeat themselves; I'd consider using something other than bad reads in the brief description.

In terms of content:

*Star*I love the premise behind this poll, but I felt that you could have elaborated more on your answers. I don't remember how many answers writing.com allows, but I do know that it allows more than three. I would consider some other possible answers that fall between. For instance
         give a regular review
         give a shorter review
         don't give a review but send an email


*Star*I also felt one of your answers was a bit leading. For instance, you say wait for the backlash. Sometimes there is backlash, but not always.

*Star*Also, remember that your various phrases are very relative. For instance, your idea of really bad may be different from mine; perhaps you might say something to the effect of that you would rate two stars or less. An honest review to you may be an average review to me, and vice versa. Also, by differentiating 'average review' from 'honest review', you imply that 'my' average isn't honest. Do you mean 'average to the site'? I would clarify.

Overall:

*Star*I think this is a great poll, and I look forward to seeing it when you recieve more feedback.

Poll on!
SG

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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Balloon1*Thanks For Supporting RAOK!!!*Balloon1*


Although I am not an 'official' reviewer, I found your piece on "Invalid Item and wanted to say, thanks for supporting the fundraising!

I loved horses, and grew up around Arabians, so this piece naturally appealed to me. See "Invalid Item for more information on my reviewing techniques.

*Star*Basic Structure – 4.25 of 5 stars

*Bullet*What You Did Right – This is correctly listed as a short story, with appropriate genres. I prefer double-spacing between paragraphs, but you do indent each paragraph, so each one is discernable. I found no tag or spelling errors.

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title fits the piece, but the brief description was a little "off". From what I could see, John always loved breeding horses. In fact, you said From the first moment he laid eyes on a horse, he was enamored. So saying His father's passion for breeding horses is transfered to John upon his death. doesn't seem to fit the piece.

*Bullet*Punctuation.

Midnight whinnied drawing his attention to the corral comma after 'whinnied'

he reached down to give the cat a pet receiving a purr in exchange. comma after 'pet'

He rode this trail for the first time as a boy alongside his father bouncing along hanging onto the saddle for dear life. comma after 'father'

*Star*Intermediate Structure – 4.0 of 5 stars

*Bullet*What You Did Right– Most of your sentences are very well polished and easy to follow. I found no run-on sentences or fragments that didn't fit with this piece. Your paragraphs stayed on topic for the most part, and you did a good job of moving between paragraphs and scenes. Your movement into memories was well done and smooth.

*Bullet*Sentence construction.

He was kicked, tossed and bruised and battered The 'and's make this awkward, especially since you start with a comma. Consider instead He was kicked, tossed, bruised and battered

He was beautiful but was high-strung as are most Arabians This sentence was awkward with the double 'was', especially with the 'are'. The simplest fix would be He was beautiful but, like most Arabians, was high-strung (though you could skip the second 'was').

He was confident he was up to the task but when left alone with the horse for the first time, filled with doubt. The clause 'filled with doubt' doesn't seem to fit well with this sentence

*Bullet*Paragraph construction.

*Note1*One problem you encountered in your paragraphs was with repetition. The ones that stood out the most to me were:

Sitting inside the office, John stared out the window at the surrounding farm…He was the newest stud purchased for the farm.

trying to make sense of the numbers. /After several hours of rearranging numbers

After several hours of rearranging numbers…he hadn’t eaten in several hours.

The mountains lay in shadows, sleeping for the night... Looking out over the mountain

*Note1*The other problem I had was with abruptness and sentences that didn't seem to fit in the paragraphs you have them in.

John finalized Midnight’s purchase the week his father died This sentence doesn't seem to fit into the paragraph; it is very abrupt. I would consider moving it down to the next paragarph, or perhaps smoothing out the abruptness.

Before his father’s death he spent eight to ten hours a day overseeing the horse training. He missed the horses. These two also don't quite seem to fit into the paragraph here.

*Note1* And the third problem was pronoun related:

He shut the door to the office and headed toward the house. Midnight whinnied drawing his attention to the corral. He stopped, staring at the horse, bursts of fire gleaming off his coat from the setting sun. You skip between 'he' referring to John and referring to Midnight. It's very confusing who the subject of each sentence is.

His dad paired him up with an experienced trainer to learn the trade. At fifteen he thought he knew everything and it was difficult for Richard to teach him to be a trainer. This is awkward and hard to follow. Again, you have the 'he' which could refer to John, his dad, or Richard.

*Star*Content – 7.25 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – Okay, this was an emotional journey, and I enjoyed reading it. However, I had a little bit of trouble with it. First, since he is already enamored of the horses, I don't see him moving towards them after his death; he just seems to be re-realizing it. I think this would be more effective if he had always rebelled, for instance, or if he had gotten so wrapped up in the paperwork it became detestable (the second fits your story better). These are examples, not "do it this way"s. But you see what I mean. There really isn't a change, in either characters or perspective. The only 'change' is the decision to hire a buisness manager – and he had thought of that from the third paragraph. I guess I was just expecting a bit more of a journey.

One question I had – how did his dad spend so much time on the buisness while juggling the same paperwork? How did he handle it? It's not crucial to the story, but it was a question that popped up.

Those were the basic problems I had with the story. Otherwise, I thought you did a good job of handling the flashbacks and keeping them relevant. I'd like to see more frustration from him in the beginning, but again, that's up to you.

LOL I just doublechecked the RAOK forum to see you wanted info on expanding the story. So I'll expand a bit more on what I'd like to see.

I think the best angle you could take would be to have him ready to quit, frustrated by the paperwork and ready to give up. Then, for whatever reason (build a little more on the allure of Midnight), he decides to go for a ride, and thus the reminiscing, and thus the decision (don't state it so early) to hire a buisness manager. But I'd have him toy with selling the farm, as well. That will heighten the tension in the story as we wonder, will he sell out?

*Bullet*Character definition. – John is slightly rounded; you've given us a glimpse of his emotional state. I'd like to see a little more of him as a person, though, some other avenues he could pursue, and so forth. He stays pretty static in here, and that keeps the piece a bit flat.

*Bullet*Language. – You paint some great pictures – I loved The sun reflected off the silky coat of the black Arabian in the nearest corral, and could see if vividly – but you also tended to use the passive voice. Not a great deal, but there were a few awkward, slower spots.

*Bullet*Reaction. – This was interesting but I felt could use a little more development to maintain interest. You have some great imagery and scene painting, and I'd like to see you take that a little further. At the same time, up the anty – make him truly war within himself.

*Star*Flow – 3.75 of 5 stars – You had several rough spots, mostly within your paragraphs, that marred the flow. You did, however, do a good job of smoothing out your sentences. Just watch out for paragraph transitions and repetition.

*Star*Overall: This was an intriguing story with a great premise.

*Star*3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Make sure you stay on topic within your paragraphs

Suggestion #2 – Add more details to bring the scenes to life

Suggestion #1 – Add some more emotional tension to this piece


Star Total: 20.25/25
Averaged: 4.05
Rounded: 4.0

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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon1*Another Great SM Read!!!*Balloon1*


This was interesting and educational as I start work with groups for the first time. Thanks!

From a technical perspective:

Edit access will allow applicable members This paragraph is not indented. I'm not sure if it was intentional, since you are using the rest rather like a list, but if so, I suggest indenting this one and then indenting and bulleting the rest of this section. Although you have the first word(s) bolded, so you may not really need the bullet.

Your 'Questions and Answers' section is using two similarly colored WritingML colors, which makes it a little hard on the eyes. I would consider leaving the answers in black, or at least using contrasting colors.

Otherwise, I found no spelling or punctuation problems in this piece!

In terms of content:

From the beginner's standpoint, you seem to cover all the necessities of group editing. I will have to poke around for some more info on groups, but I feel I clearly understand the logistics behind the editing.

Overall:

A great read, this was informative and enjoyable. Thanks again!

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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Star*Good Luck With Your Contest!!!*Star*


What an intriguing and creative contest. Wow, that looks like a tough form to crack. I might have to give it a try myself.

From a technical perspective:

I noticed that you don't have any genres with this piece. Genres can get you more exposure, something especially important with a contest. I would suggest 'contest, writing.com, writing, emotional, experience, drama, personal'. These all might bring you readers and poets. Or you can consider others. I always recommend utilizing all three genres so you get more exposure. Call it free publicity. *Bigsmile*

(If you are unsure of how to do this please e-mail me) need a period after 'me' since this is a stand-alone sentence.

The river is taking me, towards the sea. no comma needed

As on, we go to the next city no comma needed

The rhyme scheme: EFEF You have an extra line break here

the stanza’s stanzas

someone told me once that a well written pantoum is like beautiful music in the air…" Not sure if the quotes were accidental or if you just forgot the open quotes; oh, wait, I see, the whole thing is in quotes. I would consider moving the 'ownership info' to the beginning, before the poem.

The colors of WritingML are a little hard to read; I had to strain my eyes. Some might give up, or resent working so hard to read it. The light blue and violet are especially difficult to read, though the pink is no picnic either.

In terms of content:

Your rules are pretty clear and easy to follow. I would consider bolding the prizes and the deadline, to make them stand out. You also don't specify a length or word limit; does that mean you accept 'Illiad' length poems? I'm guessing 'no', but you didn't specify, so... Also, you didn't note whether the use of old poems for the 'freewrite' part was acceptable. If you want new poems only, consider giving a 'written no later than' date.

A couple other notes -

(If you are unsure of how to do this please e-mail me) Also, you can reference "The illustrated guide to linking [ASR]

I’m losing this sight, I'm sure you didn't intentionally cause an inner-line rhyme, but it may throw off folks new to the poetry form.

Overall:

This looks to be a creative, mind-stretching contest with some interesting prompts. I think that any poet would grow just by reading the info you have provided, not to mention actually trying to write a piece. I wish you the best of luck!

SG

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