This was a horrible, horrible story. The writing was great, but the story itself was very emotional and traumatic. You are a very talented writer, and so I hope you understand what I mean when I say that I was pretty miserable by the conclusion – it is a testament to your writing. See "Invalid Item" for more information on my reviewing techniques.
I know there are a lot of nitpicky items through here, particularly in the second and third section. However, most of them are very VERY nitpicky. Your writing style is very good and clean.
Basic Structure – 4.25 of 5 stars
Correct Item. – This is correctly listed as a short story, with three appropriate genrs.
Title & Description. – I like the title and the brief description. However, the bd does sort of imply the ending; perhaps remove 'terrible'?
Spacing. – I personally prefer doublespacing for on-line items; however, you indent each paragraph, so it works out great. A few errors.
You missed your indent with this line. Robby nods, abruptly making for the stairway. and here The girl enthusiastically shakes his hand. and here Robby turns over And here. It takes a moment for it to register.
WritingML – No problems here.
Dialogue. – No tag errors; I always knew who was speaking.
Punctuation. – Most of your punctuation involves dialogue tags. See "Invalid Item" , particularly the 'rant on dialogue tags'.
“Because you disobeyed me.” Robby’s voice rumbles. comma after 'me'
It’s 6:00, Karen” he says. comma after 'Karen'
“Why didn’t you tell me she was locked out?” He screams lowercase 'he'
Spelling. – No misspelled words; these were all capitalization issues.
“I was proud, Rob!” She screams lowercase 'she'
told her anyways I am *pretty* sure this should be 'anyway'
The new year’s ball Not sure – you'll have to doublecheck – but shouldn't 'New Year's' be capitalized? Here also. Happy new year
Intermediate Structure – 4.25 of 5 stars
What You Did Right–As I said, you did a great job here. Most of these are ultra-nitpicky. You didn't have any fragments or run-on sentences. This was a very clean piece.
Sentence construction. –
She sighs, dropping it onto the carpet. The 'it' here is vague, since the glass shard wasn't mentioned for some time. I'd repeat and/or clarify.
Lily sits in the snow, listening in. I'm not sure about the 'in', but I'd consider noting where in the snow she is; by the door, in the yard, etc.
Paragraph construction. –
These sentences should be in two different paragraphs; otherwise, we think perhaps he is speaking. Honey?” He holds the door open
He turns his face away. She grabs his face Repetitive. Perhaps she can grab his cheeks (like a small child) and turn his face towards her? That's what I visualized, anyway; you could state it without repeating yourself.
He drags it over to the others. What others? Don't you mean to his father?
Progressiveness of Story. –
she asks as he passes.
“My camera,” he calls down from atop of the balcony She passes him on the steps, and that quickly he is on the balcony? Was he running? This seems a bit…jarring. Perhaps you could have him at the top of the stairs?
I made it down here alright, but I’m not really sure how to get to my car, you know?” This was very confusing to me. I had a hard time with the visualization process. I had to read the story (all the way through) twice and then stop and think for sure. Did she have to walk down the steps to go from the car to the house? It's hard to follow.
The thick aroma of alcohol eventually lulls him to sleep. Is this left over from the previous bottle, or is he drinking more? If it's from before, you might want to mention the broken bottle still on the floor, the alcohol puddled.
Give me the phone.”
“Hello?” he speaks groggily into the phone Repetition.
One other thing I noticed was your frequent point of view shifts never really took us into anyone's heads. I think this story might be more powerful if it was told fully from one point of view, such as Gabriel's. You need not reveal, for instance, what was said on the phone, but by locking us into that perspective, you negate much of the shifting around.
Content – 9.0 of 10 stars
Plot Strength. – I enjoyed the way you told the story; I can't say I enjoyed the story. It was well written and heart-wrenching. There were a few details
It makes you smell like you’ve been drinking. I have to confess, my hackles went up here. If he is a recovering alcoholic, I can't believe hers didn't.
she asks as he passes.
“My camera,” he calls down from atop of the balcony She passes him on the steps, and that quickly he is on the balcony? Was he running? This seems a bit…jarring.
She just had to yell at Daddy. As a mom, I didn't like this line. Most parents try to shield their kids, even after the fact. "Mommy and Daddy were just disagreeing." However, it makes more sense for later. This felt awkward, though; perhaps you could somehow hint that this is standard for her. It just seemed very sudden and abrupt.
Casting one more stinging look up at Robby, she steps into her boots and shuts the door firmly behind her. So she is all ready for the New Year's party? Don't women generally have to do a bit more to get ready? Like, hair, makeup, etc? If she was doing it, why didn't she see him in the bedroom? Was she perhaps in the bathroom down the hall?
during the first few verses of the national anthem. Don't they usually play that other song…Auld…I can't remember the name of the song. But not the anthem.
Character definition. – The characters were very well created and consistant. I just had one problem: Gabriel. I cannot for the life of me determine his age. You walk a fine line with him, and I'll tell you why.
At times, you treat him like a child, a very young child. For instance, His mother lifts him up and cradles him in her arms, running her fingers through his hair.. Also, the fact that he was too afraid of his dad to come out of his room – that makes me think he is young, because an older child would have known enough to risk it. These two make me target his age between four and six.
However, there is the ending. For Gabriel to be able to be able to pick up the shovel, much less draw blood; well, I just don't believe he could do that at six. Perhaps at eight or ten, but then he would know that he needed to unlock the door no matter what his daddy said. You see what I mean?
I read this before bed and tried to think of a resolution; the only one I could seize upon was, perhaps, to make him mentally handicapped – just slightly – so he would have a grown boy's size with a younger, more innocent mentality. You may think of a better solution yourself, but as it stands now, the contrast mars the story. It's still a great story, but on reflection, it doesn't fit, KWIM? (know what I mean?) That's the biggest reason for the markdown here; however, you handle it so well that I think for most it would be unnoticed.
BTW, I like how Gabriel had an angel's name. I think it might work better if Lilly did, as well (and especially), but I could be off…I don't remember many angels mentioned in scripture, but even something obvious like 'Angelina' or 'Sara short for Seraphim' might work. But that's up to you.
Language. – Overall, you have some great strong, vivid language that brings the story to life. There were a few instances of 'wrong word'ing that I noted, but these are very nitpicky. Also, you use the present tense. In general, I dislike it, but you are consistant with it, and after two or three paragraphs, it is invisible. You did a great job with a difficult trick, and I commend you for it.
the air is bitter I don't see the image of bitter air fitting in with this description. Do you mean something more along the lines of 'sharp' ? Perhaps another word.
fumbles through her keys. I know you mean she is fumbling through the various keys on her ring, but this is awkward; perhaps fumbles 'with'?
Watch out for adverbs, which weaken your writing. You sort of toe the line with them, so just keep an eye out.
“A shoemat…” she sighs, dreamily.
“A house!” he exclaims, gesturing about emphatically.
nodding his head softly I'm not sure how you nod your head softly?
The little boy folds the hem of his hat up I would perhaps specify that it is a 'snow' hat or a 'knit' hat or a 'woolen' hat. The first image that sprang to my mind was a baseball cap, and it left me wondering…I had to think it through.
waddling back and forth in his little boots ?? Not sure about him waddling here. Is he swaying from side to side or shifting from foot to foot?
You use a lot of the passive voice in this paragraph. There, curled up with a yellow blanket . Usually I would detail them but this is pretty much your only instance of it, and as this is a public review, I don't want to spoil the end. However, I think that using more active verbs would make this writing stronger. See "Invalid Item" for details on the passive voice, or, if you'd like, I can send you an email.
Reaction. – This was a very heart-wrenching story. It was well written, and yet I hated it – that is the content and resolution, not you. What that means is that you created a realistic world that drew me in so that I empathized with these characters and hated to see these bad things happen.
Flow – 4.75 of 5 stars This was a very smooth piece. There were a few minor errors that made it 'jerky' but overall you did well with it.
Relevance to Prompt – 4. 5 of 5 stars – This piece certainly evoked emotion. We saw a great range in Robby in particular. I didn't see him necessarily grow FROM the emotions, but you covered the gauntlet and conlcuded in such a way that I was quite choked up.
Overall: I have seen pieces with awardicons that made me wonder what the giver was thinking. I am always worried about reviewing anything that comes preawarded because it seems the writer may take that to mean their work is done. However, this piece fully deserves the icon which it holds. It is well written, emotional, and heartbreaking. You draw us into the story and the characters.
3 suggestions for improvement: I always suggest three points for improvement. These are the biggest things that need addressing in ascending order.
Suggestion #3 – Perhaps consider telling it from one point of view
Suggestion #2 – Watch out for inconsistancies and difficulties; rough spots.
Suggestion #1 – Clear up the inconsistancies around Gabriel's age
Contest Score: 26.75/25
Star Total: 22.25/25
Averaged: 4.45/5.0
Rounded: 4.5
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