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151
151
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star*Enjoy Convention 2005!!!*Star*


See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*What You Did Right – You have this correctly listed as a folder, with appropriate, relevant genres. I love the title, but then again, I love the idea of butterfly gardens, so it drew me in, although you might consider not repeating it in your brief description; however, I love the invitation in it. I found no spacing or punctuation errors in the writing portion of this piece.

*Bullet*Spelling. –

to clear you mind 'your'

Intermediate Structure – 2.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*What You Did Right– I like the way you moved smoothly through this piece. You did a good job with your paragraph transitions, and most of your paragraphs managed to stay on-topic.

*Bullet*Sentence construction. –

This is about my butterfly garden. The first sentence starts off a bit vague; I might add something like This folder or These images or This is a collection of stories to make it a little clearer and make your writing a bit stronger.

The size is 60' x 70' and its location is my front yard. I This sentence is also vague and oddly structured. I would consider something more along the lines of Located in my front yard, it is a 60' x 70' … and add some more details to this sentence.

It can be over 100 degrees and the butterflies just love it. the use of 'it' is vague. I'm not sure whether the butterflies love the 100 degrees or the garden.

I soon learned that you also need not only plants for the adults to get their nectar from but the caterpillars need plant food. Also awkwardly structured.

I also have small shallow low to the ground concrete bowls filled with water for everyone to drink from not just butterflies. Awkward; I would consider using another term rather than 'low to the ground'. I would also put a comma after 'from'

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. –

I thought I would put in a few bushes and watch the butterflies. I would consider adding 'just' to smooth the transition to all the work required, which comes later in the paragraph

The rocks absorb heat from the sun, and the butterflies can land on them to warm up. They usually do not come out The 'they' is awkward, and seems, on first read, to refer to the rocks, rather than the butterflies.

I enjoy being in this garden so much. After a long day, it's so relaxing to just go and sit in this garden. Repetition

Content – 9.0 of 10 stars

*Bullet*What You Did Right– I enjoyed reading about your butterfly garden. It reminded me of my 'adopted' grandfather's garden from many years ago; well, gardens, as he had several. I took a brief look at several of your images, and they are very beautiful. I think these images will interest many who enjoy the outdoors and gardening.

*Bullet*Language. – You did tend to use the passive voice (is, was, were) quite often, which weakens your writing. See "Invalid Item"  for more details.

Flow – 3.25 of 5 stars – The flow in this piece was a little bumpy due to a variety of awkward sentences, but overall, you kept the piece moving forwards.

Overall: This was a very interesting intro to some beautiful images. Great job!

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Be careful for references such as 'it', which can be hard to follow if not used properly.

Suggestion #2 – Try to avoid overuse of the passive voice

Suggestion #1 – Watch out for awkward sentences


Star Total: 19.75/25
Averaged: 3.95
Rounded: 4.0

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152
152
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Star*Enjoy Convention 2005!!!*Star*


This is a very interesting letter. Is this historically accurate? It's certainly interesting and brings the 'character' of Stonewall Jackson to life! See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4.5 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly listed as a letter. Your two genres are appropriate, but I would recommend a third to gain you some more exposure; perhaps 'comedy, personal, relationship' would fit?

*Bullet*Title & Description. – I absolutely love your title, although it didn't seem to fit the tone of the overall piece. However, it was quite humerous and brought the reader into the story. Your brief description was also interesting.

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

He graduated from West Point, certainly if he were a top graduate he would have sought employment at his Alma Mater semicolon instead of a comma

*Bullet*What You Did Right– I found no spelling or spacing errors in this piece.

Intermediate Structure – 4.0 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. –

he sat in a chair refusing all spirits offered. Sounds here as though the chair is refusing spirits; I would reword this sentence

Instead, he requested lemonade, imagine. This is a run-on sentence. I would break it into two. Instead, he requested lemonade. Imagine!

Julia served dinner shortly thereafter and we watched in fascination as he picked through his portions smelling each bite fully before either placing it upon his tongue or returning it to his plate. This sentence is very long and hard to follow. I would, at the very least, add a comma after 'portions', but I would consider breaking it up.

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. –

He looks to the stars for guidance instead of the heavens I felt as though you changed subjects slightly in this paragraph, although you linked the two topics (looking to physical things and being from the South). You did wrap up the paragraph neatly with this sentence This also leads me to question his relationship with our Lord. so it's not terribly done. It just seemed a bit awkward as we read through the paragraph. I think it was this sentence. In addition to the strange fascination with motion of objects, notably cannon fire, he hails from the south. I think if you smoothed this one out, the rest of the paragraph would work.

*Bullet*What You Did Right– Although you had a few awkward sentences, most of them were well written and easy to follow. The remainder of your paragraphs stayed on-topic, and you did a great job of stepping through George's objections to his daughter's suitor. The piece was well put-together and logical to read.

Content – 9.75 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – The premise behind this piece was quite enjoyable. The only thing I would possibly suggest is adding a date and possibly a few other references to the upcoming Civil War. I am thinking, with tensions running the way they (assumably) would be, that there would be more objection to courting a Southerner.

*Bullet*What You Did Right– The overall story was great to read. I liked how you took us into the father's perspective. You do a great job of expressing his worries and concerns. Both the father and Jackson are very realistically portrayed. You use strong language, although I would possibly consider slightly stronger wording and objections. I found this piece enjoyable and interesting, especially as a Southerner.

Flow – 4.25 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Progression. – I felt as though you tended to jump a bit from concern to concern. There didn't seem to be a strong link between them, and I was curious to learn how he acquired much of his information, such as the lemon-sucking and the looking to the stars.

*Bullet*What You Did Right – Your sentences and paragraphs were very smooth. The details of the dinner party were especially well composed and smooth.

Overall: This was quite a humerous and enjoyable letter to read. There were several interesting parts, and you brought "Stonewall" Jackson to life.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Watch out for a few awkward sentences.

Suggestion #2 – Make sure you don't change subject midparagraph

Suggestion #1 – Try to find a way to smooth over the various points of complaint in the first half of the letter


Star Total: 23.5/25
Averaged: 4.7
Rounded: 4.5

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153
153
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Star*Enjoy Convention 2005!!!*Star*


This was an interesting and thought-provoking essay. I imagine you receive all sorts of similar feedback, but I want you to know that I appreciate your hard work. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4.25 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly listed as an article, but I would recommend adding three genres to gain the item more exposure. Some suggestions are 'writing.com, career, hobby, opinion, experience', and so forth.

*Bullet*Title & Description. – I thought your title and brief description were fantastic. They definitely caught the reader's attention and drew me in!

*Bullet*Spacing. –

This is my rant I'm not sure why you broke this sentence into two lines. I think it would work fine on one, though it is, of course, your choice.

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

Looks like you posted this essay as an item on Writing.Com; FOR FREE. I think a – would work better than a ; here; you use dashes later, as well.

As for community; You have access I'd also suggest a colon here, rather than a semicolon

*Bullet*Spelling. –

up to 5 items I would spell out 'five' (and other numbers ten and under); same here Review more than 3 items

Vote in POLLS 'polls' is the only word on this list (other than 'free') in all caps; I would use lowercase

Incidentally, I also liked your use of WritingML through this piece. You did a great job with bolding and colors, without being overwhelming. It added to the piece, rather than detracting from it.

Intermediate Structure – 4.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. –

You have access to talk in forums I would consider putting this in the previous paragraph, which starts As for community

*Bullet*What You Did Right. – Your sentences were great – interesting, varied, and well polished. You had a few fragments, I believe, but they fit the tone of the pieces. Also, you did a good job of moving through the various free elements. Your paragraphs stayed on topic – you didn't change subjects midway through. Each one was built around related items.

Content – 9.5 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Reaction. – This piece gave me quite the chuckle. I enjoyed the way you moved through it. My favorite line was: But we should charge if you choose not to spell check it... don't ya think? LOL! I think, I think!

Also, I wanted to respond to A little activity within our community can lead to enough Gift Points for a paid membership, for free. That is how I managed this year's upgrade, and how I'm managing next year's. Although I started off with a purchased membership (a Christmas present) which enabled me to expand my portfolio significantly), I've since maintained my membership with a little hard work. Thank you so much for giving us a site that allows it to be so!!

*Bullet*What You Did Right– The theme of this piece was interesting and drew me in. Your introduction (which, incidentally, I didn't R&R) caught my attention, and you built well off of it. You used strong language – very few (if any; I didn't notice, really) uses of the passive voice or adverbs to mar the writing.You kept the attention throughout. Your conclusion neatly wrapped up the argument without overdoing it.

Flow – 4.75 of 5 stars – The flow in this piece was fairly smooth. There were a few awkward spots (mostly the aforementioned errors), but in general, it was an easy read. You stayed on topic within your sentences and paragraphs, and your paragraph transitions were well managed.

Overall: This was a great response; I can tell you put a lot of thought into it. You made a great case for the 'free' members. Two thumbs up!

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – N/A

Suggestion #2 – N/A

Suggestion #1 – Most of my recommendations were little ones; I won't repeat them. Nothing significant to change.


Star Total: 23.25/25
Averaged: 4.75
Rounded: 4.5

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154
154
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
What a heartwarming poem!

From a technical perspective:

I found no spelling, punctuation, or spacing errors. Your genre selections were great, your title and brief description were interesting, and you correctly listed this as a poem.

In terms of content:

Your meter felt a little off here
For there's a point in life when the ocean gives way - I think you can do without the 'for' (though on a second read, it sort of smooths over; it's questionable, though)
and here: For in the dark of the night they felt the warmth of the light - this was a bit longer than the rest. Also, the innerline rhyme was awkward because this is the only line where you do it.

I love the overall image you give, and the great descriptions. I think my favorite was the frayed rope of faith. What a great description. The only questionable moment was that you started off with the map and spyglass and there doesn't seem to be a cut relation to being on a ship. However, I also sort of like the fact that you have to think about it; I wouldn't want you to make it too blatantly obvious, either.

Overall: This was an enjoyable poem, one that was uplifting and inspirational. It was a joy to read. I loved the image you created and how you built upon it.

Write on!
SG
155
155
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Star*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Star*


This was an interesting essay/poem on your high school writing experience. Is this true?

I found this on the public reviewing page, so kudos to your last public reviewer. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4.0 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – You list this as an essay, but it reads more like a story. I'd seriously consider the 'short story' genre, but you can put a note at the beginning or end that it is nonfiction. I would also consider adding genres to get you more exposure. Some suggestions are: writing, teen, young adult, hobby, experience, emotional.

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Interesting, but you misspelled 'tries' in your brief description, which might keep people from opening the piece.

*Bullet*Spacing. – I recommend doublespacing between paragraphs for works you post on-line. This makes it easier to see the differentiation, and also easier on the eyes.

Hair the color of flame Might I suggest breaking this up from the rest of the piece, italicizing it, and using setting it in poetic form, to make it easier to read?

*Bullet*Dialogue. – No tag errors that I saw

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

According to the flyer that was sent out it was comma after 'flyer'

*Bullet*Spelling. –

about 12 of us spell out twelve

poet wannabe’s wannabes

around another 15 times spell fifteen

Intermediate Structure – 3.5 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. –

There were a couple of reporters for the school newspaper hoping to perk up their columns, four of us came from the drama classes, several were there to find out if they even liked creative writing, and two were there just to be in one more club picture in the annual. This sentence is a bit unweildy, probably because of the multiple verbs you use. On the off set, I wish my high school had hosted a creative writing club – how cool is that?!

From what I knew of the journalism staff, they could all write better than anything I’d heard from the teacher, but what did I know? Repetition

Evidently, there were several aspiring poets in the room, judging from mumbled rhyming phrases, sweaty brows, and the piles of wadded papers. Awkward sentence; consider restructuring. Perhaps Judging from the mumbled rhyming phrases, sweaty brows, and the piles of wadded papers, there were several aspiring poets in the room.

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – Your paragraphs tended to jump around, and you would jump paragraphs midway through. See "How To Write A Good Paragraph" . Also you repeat yourself.

all pink and fluffy, with touches of dewdrops thrown in for good measure. Perhaps under all of that pink fluff Repetition

There was a soft gagging sound coming from the desk next to mine, but I kept my head turned away Unclear what your head was turned away from; the cheerleader or the gagger?

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – Your story tends to be a bit rushed; you move quickly from one point to the next. Such as here:

Miss Dobbs closed the door behind us. You suddenly jump from being in class to being outside. You make a few other leaps that are hard for the reader to follow and leave us scrambling to catch up.

Content – 8.5 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Theme Strength. – I think many of us on this site can relate here. You tell a good story, and I can understand (and highly believe) you were ostracized for it. Happens on this site at times, too. I would, however, like to see a more conclusive wrapup to the piece, other than being out, but perhaps that is because I see Writing.com as the "answer" to your search. That could just be my perspective, but since you lead off with you, concluding without you is a bit weak.

“It was descriptive and the last stanza rhymed.” LOL, now that's a good Writing.com reviewer; always finding the positive. Send them to this site! *Wink*

*Bullet*Language. – You tend towards the passive voice (is, was, had). See "Invalid Item"  for some help with that one. This weakens your writing style.

*Bullet*Reaction. – This was a cute piece to which I could relate. I think many of us on-site can see that. I enjoyed reading it and think it has some great potential.

Flow – 3.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – A few awkward sentences, but overall, the flow was pretty smooth.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – You occasionally gave a paragraph break when you should've continued in the same paragraph, or changed subjects within paragraphs, which broke the flow.

*Bullet*Progression. – You tended to jump around a bit, which was distracting.

Overall: I really enjoyed this piece. I think it was a great read and has some fantastic potential. I'm sure there are many others on this site who will read this and nod.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Watch out for repetition

Suggestion #2 – Try not to jump so much

Suggestion #1 – Try to use stronger verbs rather than the passive voice


Star Total: 19.75/25
Averaged: 3.95
Rounded: 4.0

Welcome to the site, and write on!
SG
156
156
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a cute story. It looks like you originally wrote it as flash fiction and then tried to expand it; I think you could probably take it further. A couple of notes:

word count: 284 This is in the middle of the story and is a little awkward; I'd put it at the beginning or the end

“They say the Venusians have the key.” The lieutenant said comma after 'key', lowercase 'the'; also, the repetition of 'say' and 'said' is awkward.

I didn't find any spelling errors. You have this listed as 'fiction', which works, but I would suggest 'satire' rather 'contest' as a genre.

This piece works good as short fiction, but if you are going to expand it, I would go a little further in depth. It was very funny, however.

Write on!
SG
157
157
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
What a cute poem! I found it doing a search for a completely different topic (home school), so I guess it pulled a keyword?

A few notes:

often have an endless vacation If your vacation is endless, it doesn't end. Thus you can't really have more than one endless vacation, can you? <scratches head>

I thought it’d be fun no adults’ stern demands. I would add a break - a comma at the very least, though I'd recommend a hyphen - after 'fun'

In your first stanza, the rhyme is a bit off - it doesn't quite fit the flow.

I love the way you describe the planet (and the name, too, love the name), and how you lament over the endless boredom. The only thing it left me wondering was what, exactly, they did in school?

A cute poem! Write on!
SG
158
158
Review of Summer Storm  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is an interesting poem, and one I can relate to. Good luck in the Cramp.

I didn't find any spelling, punctuation, or spacing issues. You use freeform, so there is no rhyme or meter to worry with. I like the flow you create.

One thing I noticed is a tendency towards the passive voice; is, was, etc. I would look at tightening that up, maybe using some more active verbs.

This was a great poem, it described the rain storm perfectly. I might like to see a bit more emotion, a bit more of how it makes you feel, but that's personal opinion and should not be taken as a "factual error" or whatnot. That's why you're the poet and I'm just a reviewer *Wink*.

Very interesting. Good luck in the Cramp!
SG
159
159
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
*Star*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Star*


I have to say, this essay made for an interesting piece of fiction. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4.0 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – I suppose this is really an essay, despite the fact that you pretty much made most of it up. Your genres are appropriate.

*Bullet*Title & Description. – I'm not sure 'truth' works as a title, since this is about 75% fiction, but hey, it catches the spirit of the piece. Your brief description was just a repetition of the title; I'd consider jazzing it up to catch some more reader interest. Of course, I'm happy the way it is; it will keep more people from reading it.

*Bullet*Spacing. – You doublespace between paragraphs

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

In reality Mormonism is nothing like Christianity comma after 'reality'

Lucifer said “ I should be the savior comma after 'said', no space after "; you need a period at the end of this sentence

*Bullet*Spelling. –

you to can become one. 'too'; comma before and after 'too'

his many wife’s wives

and eve Eve

Intermediate Structure – 2.5 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – You have several fragments, run-ons, and awkward pieces crammed full of information.

Saying they are like Christians (most converts are Christians) using phrases like “we believe in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost” and scripture This is a sentence fragment

If you are lucky enough to view the Mormon temple ritual you will be sworn to secrecy the penalty for telling is death. Run-on sentence; also, this doesn't seem to fit in the paragraph you are developing on the cult name of Mormons.

They say that on a certain day that god and his fellow gods and his sons (Lucifer and Jesus), yes they say that Jesus and Lucifer were brothers, formed a meeting Long, vague, highly-interrupted sentence. But don't worry, you forgot to mention (as most folks do) that we believe that EVERYONE on this Earth, in addition to Christ and Satan, are brothers and sisters.

Lucifer said “ I should be the savior and I shall rule them” but Jesus said “no give them freedom of choice” If you are going to put quotes, as though you were, say, quoting, then why don't you actually QUOTE the piece, rather than making it up? Hypothetically, that would make your piece stronger. There are plenty of copies of the scriptures floating around; they aren't locked up and secret.

If one ever comes to your door bring up some of these key facts and if you have any comments or if I got any of this wrong please email me at allbright06@yahoo.com Run-on sentence

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – You skip around a great deal in your paragraphs. You cite points but don't develop them. Your third paragraph merges two points and should be split.

They have cultic rituals, beliefs and a demonic name. The only one you expand on in this paragraph is the demonic name

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – You raised several points that I would like to see you develop. Why don't you go a bit more into why our phrases about believing in God the Father, etc. are false?

Content – 2 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Theme Strength. – Well, as I said, this piece is about 25% truth and 75% fiction. It's very sad, because you could have made some fairly decent points. If you are seeking to discredit a religion, you will gain more strength by being honest rather than creative. Now as soon as someone realizes you've made up one piece, the whole writing will be discredited. A couple of your incorrect points:

*Bullet*If you are lucky enough to view the Mormon temple ritual you will be sworn to secrecy the penalty for telling is death. First, this is a flat-out lie, as I have been to the temple many times, and I have never been told that if I tell, I will "die" (in any sense; whether God will strike me dead or the other Mormons will take care of it). Second, I have to agree with the previous public reviewer's sentiment – if you believe it, then why are you telling it, etc. I think she covered it pretty well, so I won't repeat it.

*Bullet*reaching the ultimate sinless life I'd love to see you develop this. Do Mormons, in your opinion, believe that they can become perfect on their own? Of course, you can't develop it, because Mormons need Christ to reach 'perfection', but that would make them 'Christian', defeating your earlier argument. I have a feeling you know this or you would have argued further…

*Bullet*and countless other things you can become a god/goddess Nope, I think that pretty much covers it. But even if I were an ignorant person reading this, I would be highly interested in having you develop this, rather than trickle off vaguely.

*Bullet*People who agreed with god were known as Caucasians or white people and were sent to earth to attain human bodies ROTFL! Wow, I am so glad you told me that. It's amazing that I have NEVER heard that white people were the only ones who obtained bodies! You are, incidentally, right on the fact that those who agreed with God obtained bodies.

*Bullet*And the neutral ones were known as African Americans (it was their explanation for African American people). Good thing that you've never read either the Bible (think Noah's son, Ham) or the Book of Mormon or you might realize that you are making things up off the top of your head.

*Bullet*God came down with one of his many wife’s and they were Adam and eve Amazing. All this time, with the Church teaching that God created Adam and Eve, and you seem to be the only one who knows that God became them. Another piece of fiction.

*Bullet*Language. – You used a lot of the passive voice and vague 'it' statements.

*Bullet*Reaction. – You completely discredited yourself by making up points. I read this whole thing with my eyebrows raised and my head shaking.

Flow – 2 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – Your sentences were awkward and choppy

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – Your paragraphs jumped around in topic

*Bullet*Progression. – You didn't build this piece up; it drifted off to nowhere, with an inconclusive conclusion.

Overall: Good points: you got two or three things correct, and obviously you are writing with a lot of passion.

Lest you think I am some fully deluded Mormon, I am a convert of eight years. Before joining, I read everything I could find – pro and anti – to try to discern the truth. Oddly enough, most of the 'anti' stuff was about as ficticious as this piece, whereas the 'pro' stuff made several good points about even the truthful things you have stated. And lest you think I was persuaded by good writing – I wasn't. It was a spiritual decision.

Irregardless, I tried to suspend judgement and rate you based on your writing. I confess to being a touch emotional over the fact you made things up (or got your information from sources who fictionalized pieces), rather than firsthand sources. This greatly weakened your credibility.

Star Total: 10.5/25
Averaged: 2.1
Rounded: 2.0
160
160
Review of Eve of Dreams  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This story had a great twist at the end. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4.0 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly listed as a short story, with appropriate genres.

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title doesn't seem to reflect on the story, but your brief description is fantastic.

*Bullet*Spacing. – You double space between paragraphs <thumbs up>

*Bullet*Dialogue. –

You have a good reason to be concerned There's no tag; this is confusing.

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

Horror came to Patricia in the form of what some people would find to be non-threatening; a dream. colon rather than semicolon

She then woke up – soaked with sweat. comma rather than –

She lay in bed; thinking about that dream. comma rather than ;

He woke abruptly to Patricia’s shouts, period

into his office, and sat down on the sofa no comma

“Are you sure all of this will work? close quotes

Who knows what kind of mental trauma this has caused you. question mark

*Bullet*Spelling. – No spelling errors that I saw

Intermediate Structure – 2.5 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. –

Horror came to Patricia on a cloudy English night, about 45 degrees, no visible view of the moon; it was a harrowing sight. What was – the horror or the moon? Vague reference; confusing.

The next afternoon Patricia inquired about George’s opinions about this particular field of science. the double 'about' is awkward. Also, the paragraph is awkward; you say she asked, then she let it hang, then she contemplated. The timing is all off.

the negative effects of said mental disorders 'said' is awkward and I'm not sure about the reason

He had been treating you quite contumely Awkward word choice

lie there and be traumatized 'be traumatized' is awkward

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. –

The year is 1933, in London, England. Psychology was in its infant stages as a science and most people were very skeptical about it. Tense change; you go from present (is) to past (was)

you were in it -- you and a strange woman. You did not play a very good role in it either.” Repetition

She observed the room. Your observations are very flat and don't merge into the story

My name as you might already know is Dr. Alistair Bridgemont The dialogue is flat; it doesn't sound realistic here. For one thing, if they are making appointments and coming to the office then we would assume they know his name

You know, he does not even believe that I have a problem, and he does not think that anything could help me either,” mentioned Patricia with a sour look on her face. Awkward

at least I believe so. You have big blocks of dialogue that go unbroken. You need to break it up with action and thoughts.

How dare you say something like that, George! Why would you say something like that to me? Repetition

It is a miracle when someone survives after a terrible act is committed. You are a lucky woman to have survived.” Repetition

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. –

You have a great intro. However, this part of your sentence is weaker; I think if you tighten it up it will help the piece. their brain does many things to suppress or distort the bad incident so it does not seem as bad. See if you can cut down on the wordiness.

Dr. Kirk is but a family doctor tense change again

Why would my mind conceive such a horrid vision? Am I in danger? Did I just witness my own death? I suggest putting her thoughts in italics, so they are easily understood to be thoughts

as George continued to stare./“George! George! Wake up!” Your timing is off. First George is staring in the afternoon, then he is waking up.

but felt it too rude to awaken George again./Weeks later, George found someone who could help his beloved wife. Time jump again.

“Are you sure all of this will work? Another long dialogue tirade. There are no tags, which make it confusing, and again you need to add some action and emotion to the piece

I’ll consider that.”/Patricia was lying in bed Another time jump

Content – 5 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – This was an interesting story. I like the ending. However, your clues were awkward and difficult to follow; the passage was strange. I don't understand whether the meeting with the psychiatrist was real or dreamed. The story didn't fully stay in Patricia's point of view, which also made it awkward. The conclusion was very point blank and rough. Your introduction could use a bit of revamping as well.

*Bullet*Character definition. – Your characters were very flat. I had a hard time visualizing your characters. To make them more realistic, you need to show us some of their actions (which can give us insight) and reactions (same). See "Invalid Item" 

*Bullet*Language. – Try to avoid overuse of the passive voice (was, is, had). See "Invalid Item"  for more details. Also, take a look at how much you rely on it in this paragraph:
The year is 1933, in London, England. Psychology was in its infant stages as a science and most people were very skeptical about it. George was one of them. His wife Patricia had been having very troublesome nightmares for some time, but George refused to let her go and get help for he did not believe in the powers of science.

You also do a great deal of telling in this piece, rather than showing. See "Invalid Item" . The 'telling' not only flattens your characters but makes the scene more difficult to visualize.

*Bullet*Reaction. – This piece came off a bit bland, despite the great premise. The language and the way it was both contribute to this fact, along with the strange jumps in time.

Flow – 2.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – Your sentence flow is jerky; you have some awkward word choices that don't quite fit.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – Your paragraphs are roughly hewn and you tend to skip around within them. See "How To Write A Good Paragraph"  for help.

*Bullet*Progression. – You make large jumps in time and space throughout this piece. This throws the reader off and confuses them.

Overall: I love this story idea. It has some great potential. You have some great foreshadow clues, as well.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Watch out for the passive voice, which weakens your writing.

Suggestion #2 – Show more than you tell; put us in the scene rather than telling us about it.

Suggestion #1 – The piece as a whole is a bit jumpy; the clues are there but much too strongly hidden, and even looking back, the story is difficult to follow.


Star Total: 14.25/25
Averaged: 2.85
Rounded: 3.0

Write on!
SG
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Review of Guzelim  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love the great imagery and the mood you create in this piece. Romantic, beautiful - a fantastic piece.

I didn't find any technical problems - no spelling, punctuation, or spacing errors. This is a well polished piece. I would consider changing your brief description to read a bit smoother; perhaps My Turkish lover and I engage in some romantic pillow talk.

Content-wise, I thought this was quite enjoyable. You did a fantastic job of creating the mood and putting us in the scene.

Very well done. Write on!
SG
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Review of Nightfall  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very image-filled poem. I love the descriptions you provoke here. Good movement through the poem. Only one error:

It reluctantly leaves at last The 'it' here could refer to either the sun or the west.

I would add a few more genres to get you some more exposure, but otherwise, this is a great piece.

Write on!
SG
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Review of Rain  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Star*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Star*


This is a very beautiful, well written, emotional piece. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4.25 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly listed as a short story, with three appropriate genres.

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title is appropriate to the piece. However, I would consider revising your brief description to describe the piece. The bd draws readers in, sort of like the tag line on a book or movie poster.

*Bullet*Spacing. –

spring had come early . no space before period

pride to show in his eyes.
His mother would kiss No line break necessary; this should be the same paragraph

In the background there's a Christmas tree. You have an extra line break after this line

The river took you away
too soon. Unnecessary line break

*Bullet*Dialogue. – No tag errors

*Bullet*Punctuation. – WritingML needs the } brackets rather than the ] brackets. That will capture your italics, etc.

Sebastian, behind your walls, I can't reach you, either period at the end of the sentence

She remembers how it had been, when their baby son no comma

"I like touching miracles," period at the end of the sentence

*Bullet*Spelling. – No spelling errors that I saw

Intermediate Structure – 4.25 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. –

One psychologist, the name I can’t remember now A little awkward; maybe 'whose' instead of 'the'

She remembers how it had been, when their baby son, John, had died. Repetition of 'had' is awkward and weak. Maybe She remembers how it had been, when their baby son, John, died.

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. –

She counts the months that have passed since Tomas has died. More than four months have gone by since then Repetition

feeling a dull ache inside her. She feels alone nowRepetition

he knelt to look at plants. He would touch the new, wet leaves, and tell her the name of the plant, Repetition

Her favourite is one that Tomas' wife, Emily, has given her. Tomas and Emily's daughter had taken the picture The repetition of their name is unnecessary and awkward. I think you can get by with 'their'

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. –

Sebastian hadn't cried. /At John's funeral, Tomas had cried. It was the only time she had ever seen him cry. Repetition

Content – 9.5 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – This was a beautiful, abosrbing, emotional piece. I love the movement through the rain, the trips down memory lane. I'm usually opposed to overly-involved flashbacks in a story, but you do a good job with them. You build the tension between Ireland and Tomas and leave us wondering if something is happening. Well done.

*Bullet*Character definition. – Your characters are realistic and credible. They act consistantly.

*Bullet*Language. – Watch out for overusing the passive voice (is, was, were, am, had), which weakens your writing. The day she remembers was a Saturday. It was afternoon when Tomas had arrived at her front door, insisting it was a perfect day for a walk through the park.

In general, you do a great job with imagery. You have some beautiful phrases; do you write poetry, as well? Some of my favorites are (but are not limited to):
*Bullet*She usually feels indifferent about rain, but today it comforts her; the gentle sound of it against the window. and the pattern of narrow, crossing paths made by drops that slide down the glass.
*Bullet*She’s even become fond of the eagle; the sculpture, a gift from Sebastian's father. Perched there on the desk, wearing its stern expression, it reminds her of Sebastian. Talk about a room making a man!

*Bullet*Reaction. – I enjoyed this piece. You moved with a slow, languid pace but kept us interested throughout. I like how you interlink the rain with the various relationships.

Flow – 4.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – Your sentences are are beautiful; they move well and are easy to get caught up in.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – The sentences in your paragraphs work well together and build off one another.

*Bullet*Progression. – You transit well between paragraphs, and do a great job of moving us in and out of Ireland's memories. The only thing that mars your flow at all is repetition.

Overall: Beautiful, emotionally charged piece. An absolute delight to read!

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – You should try to check your pieces after you enter them, to just make sure your WritingML and spacing has worked well in all cases.

Suggestion #2 – Try not to overuse the passive voice; it weakens your writing

Suggestion #1 – Watch out for repetition; it breaks up the flow and tends to distract the reader.


Star Total: 22.75/25
Averaged: 4.55
Rounded: 4.5

A beautiful piece – an absolute delight to read! Welcome to Writing.com, and keep it up!
Have you considered entering this in "THE DROP-OFF BOX "  [13+], a contest for newbies? I think you have an excellent chance of winning with it.
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Review of Nightfall  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was an interesting western. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4.5 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly listed as a short story. You list this as a 'western', but I would suggest adding two more genres to get you some more readers. Perhaps 'action/adventure, drama, regional', and, if you like, 'contest'

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title is interesting, and I suppose appropriate, but it doesn't quite seem to have western connotations. I would also consider revising your brief description to be more appropriate to the story

*Bullet*Spacing. – You doublespace between paragarphs for easier on-screen reading

*Bullet*Dialogue. – No tag errors that I saw

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

the tell-tale signs of too much drink--the little too loud laughter, the slightly off-kilter look, and soon found what he was looking for. I would use a hyphen after 'look' instead of a comma

*Bullet*Spelling. – No spelling errors that I saw

Intermediate Structure – 4.25 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – You have great sentence structure; just a few rough spots

A creaking sign hung overhead dubbed it A little awkward with the verbs. I would consider either A creaking sign hanging overhead dubbed it or A creaking sign hung overhead, dubbing it

The sheriff couldn't prove anything, but his kind was not wanted in this town, the 'his' reference is vague; sounds as though it could refer to the sheriff

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – Most of your sentences worked well in their paragraphs; just one awkward spot

The menfolk soon turned back to their various pursuits. This sentence is interjected between two describing the stranger. I would move it to after the descriptions

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – The piece progresses logically. You have good transitions between paragraphs

Content – 8.75 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – You hold our interest through the piece. This was well-written and absorbing. The only fault I can find is that it seems a bit too tame for a Western; we sort of expect a bit more slam and bang to the story.

*Bullet*Character definition. – Your outsider was quite believable. His actions and thoughts were consistant and realistic.

*Bullet*Language. – Great language. Your writing is strong – just a handful of passive verbs, which are occasionally necessary, and few adverbs. Watch out for the overuse of 'friendly'; you use it four times in three consecutive paragraphs. Also, some great imagery. I loved the line Evening shadows had just begun to spread dark fingers through the deserted street

*Bullet*Reaction. – Engaging, but as I said, a little calmer than I expect from a Western.

Flow – 4.5 of 5 stars – This was a smooth, easy-to-follow piece. There were a couple of hiccups, but nothing to badly mar the piece.

Overall: A very interesting read. I love the imagery you paint; I can tell you write a lot of poetry. Beautiful! Realistic characters, as well.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – You might consider adding at least a scuffle if not a full shoot-out, but that's just a suggestion, not a need.

Suggestion #2 – Smooth your sentences out just a bit

Suggestion #1 – Watch out for repetition, mainly of 'friendly'


Star Total: 22.0/25
Averaged: 4.4
Rounded: 4.5

Great story! You are a very vivid writer!
SG
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165
Review of Pirate theme  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was hysterical! What a great tribute! I'm not surprised you won; you must have put a lot of time and effort into it.

From a technical perspective, it was perfect. No misspellings, no punctuation errors, no spacing problems. You did a fantastic job of sticking to the meter/rhythm of the song, and I didn't feel like any of the rhymes were forced - everything came across natural.

Contentwise, this was an enjoyable read/sing. You pretty much made me feel like belting it out, and got the 'I will Survive' song stuck in my head. I loved this set here:
And so you're back, from the convention,
You walked in to find your mailbox stuffed full of good intentions.
Although the whole song was great.
Fantastic job!
SG
166
166
Review of Grand Opening!  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Great detective story. A few notes.

From a technical perspective:

His job was so filled with darkness; it felt good to notice new life awakening around him. this feels like one whole sentence; I would either use a comma instead of a semicolon OR toss out the 'so' which makes it two seperate clauses

he said,smiling in return,“I’m here to see Mrs. Zelmer.” space before 'smiling', and I would use a period after 'return'

“Something didn’t feel right. no quotes, since there is no talking (or did he say this outloud?)

about 6 months ago spell out numbers under ten

The Community had dug deep into its pockets to help pay/ for the treatments. no line break needed

the report of Death if that's the official term, then shouldn't 'report' be capitalized? otherwise, 'death' should be lowercase.

He seemed a little taken aback at hearing “detective” period at the end of the sentence

“ What brain tumor?” no space before 'what'

“What about blood work?” /“Blood would have extra line break needed

“Her glucose was way below normal, she was in insulin shock! close quotes

“Wouldn’t anyone have noticed these results?” Dr. Blackman looked stricken. You change speakers; break this into two paragraphs.

warrant for the file. “ no space before quotes


In terms of content:

“Mrs. Zelmer, I’m Detective Delaney. How are you?” This whole exchange is dialogue-only, which isn't entirely realistic. Break up the words with some action, some movement. Did her eyes shift or remain steady? Did her hands flutter? Was their a false hint of pain or just steady brusqueness in her voice? You do this a couple of times.

Is there something I can do for you? I have a great deal to do. The repetition of 'do' is a bit awkward.

Watch out for the passive voice. You overuse it here: Paul Delaney had been on the force for 17 years and was beginning to wonder if he’d just seen too much. He thought about Mrs. Zelmer and her baby all morning and decided it was time to make a discreet phone call to his old friend, Dr. Jack Mercer. Jack was a hospital pathologist and Delaney had a couple of favors to pull in.

As Jack slid into the passenger seat, he handed him the unofficial report who handed who?

There was quite a crowd outside the Boutique waiting for the doors to open. Delaney, Cohen and Thompson made their way through the crowd Repetition

Your ending seemed a bit rushed. Wouldn't he have already requested information about Mrs. Zelmer being a diabetic? Also, I was never quite certain as to what turned him on to the case. Why did he decide to pay her a visit? Finally, if there was a community-wide collection, how come the doctor didn't recognize the name?

Overall, this is an interesting story.
Write on!
SG
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167
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Star*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Star*


Oh, this is a great story, absolutely hysterical. Except for the sad part of it being true. *Smile* See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4.5 of 5 stars – This was a well developed piece. Your title and brief description were interesting and drew the reader in. I didn't find any punctuation or spelling errors, and you doublespace between paragraphs. Only one error here:

littlewhen space

Intermediate Structure – 4.25 of 5 stars – Just a few awkward sentences, but overall, well put together. You paragraphs were well composed, and you did a good job of moving between them.

my new dog, I was sent on my way with a new self confidence Repetition

instead of walking sedately along the walkway, Repetition

By this time, which really wasn't the hours it felt like, my husband had gathered his wits and also our son. This sentence is a little awkward

Content – 8.25 of 10 stars – This is very well put together. You start off with a great introduction – it pulls the reader in – and keep good pace through the story. The only problem is that you tend to use a lot of the passive voice. An example:
In those first few months after getting Heather, my Seeing Eye dog, I was so proud of my new independence and full of new determination to make my way in this world. I wasn't going to be afraid to stand up for my rights or humbly accept the role I felt many people wanted to saddle me with. When I completed the five-week training period with my new dog, I was sent on my way with a new self confidence and armed with the knowledge of my legal rights concerning the admission of my dog in public places. They warned us the dogs could initially be barred from entering, but to stick to our guns and insist the management check out the laws. We were assured that except for a very few prohibited areas, our furry guides and we had a perfect right to go anywhere we pleased.

Flow – 4.5 of 5 stars – This was a pretty smooth piece. The only bumps were the aforementioned errors, but in general, you maintain good flow.

Overall: Very realistic. You put us in the scene quite well.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 - Maybe add a little more description to the piece

Suggestion #2 – Avoid repetition

Suggestion #1 – Try not to overuse the passive voice


Star Total: 21.25/25
Averaged: 4.25
Rounded: 4.5


Great piece! Write on!
SG
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168
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was a very funny story. Having been married only four and a half years, I can still relate fairly well. Maybe it's the three-child-butt I've got going on. *Wink*

Anyway, your story. I found no spelling (well other than 'thoat', ROTFL), punctuation, or spacing errors. You correctly listed this as a short story, and your genres all fit. Your title and brief description were not only appropriate but intriguing, and drew me in.

In terms of the story, I thought it was great. Funny and, well, realistic. You did a great job with characterization, of both Nuri and Junior. They are both quite believable. You do a great job of conveying the action and the emotion.

I did feel you went just a touch over on the crudity; it didn't feel altogether necessary to the piece. Some of it fit in well - like the toilet cleaning and the hot dog components - but it just felt slightly overdone. I also wasn't altogether sure about the ending; it didn't quite give us a conclusive wrapup, though she seemed on the way towards being okay. Sometimes I guess that's the best we can do, just be okay, huh? *Wink*

Overall, a great read. Nice jaunt through the supermarket!

Write on!
SG
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Review of Little girl lost  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was an interesting story. I found it on the public review page, and I have to agree with the last reviewer; the ending felt rushed.

From a technical perspective:

despite being interrupted. You need another line break after this paragraph

her tiny, delicate, hand in his own no comma after 'delicate'

She paused a moment to think line break before this one

The youngish man Need another line break

now somewhat frightened young man, went inside no comma

he circled around to the back of the house, to the large dining room window and peered in. either comma after 'window' or no commas at all


In terms of content:

something to her./“Hi,” he said to her Repetition

then a normal, spring time sun-kissed child’s, This is a little bulky and wordy. I would try to use a word other than 'normal', as that helps give away your ending.

that she seemed, at the moment to be far more interested comma after 'moment'; I would also knock out 'to be' as unnecessary

he rose up, don't think you need 'up' here

after school high school hallways awkward

. “How long have you been lost for?” The 'for' is awkward

Of course it would be that easy Start a new paragraph here

“What house number?” She said earlier she didn't remember; that makes this awkward. Why not walk until she recognizes her house?

he said not accusingly. Awkward

so I could get better and now I want to find them to tell them I’m all better Repetition

momentarily dazed by what Jake did not know. Awkward

the person whom Jake saw walking around inside the otherwise empty house awkward

while Cassie invisibly snuck by 'invisibly' is unnecessary

happily waving him away forever. 'Forever' is unnecessary

Jake never said another word to the man it would have been too much for the already perplexed man to handle. Runon sentence

all the while wondering if the purple haired kid was all right in the head. You've jumped out of Jake's point of view

A colorful, black-bordered patchwork quilt covered his legs and as Cassie got closer, Jake could, by looking into a nearby mirror, see the young father smile for first time in what was probably a very, very long time, just before little Cassie, now forever home, disappeared from sight for forever yet again.
A very awkward sentence with a lot of repetition. Break it up. You only need one 'forever'

I would recommend expanding the ending, trying not to give everything away too suddenly. Also, I was confused - is the dad alive or dead? The lack of signs of living made me think dead, but the fact that he couldn't see Cassie made me think alive.

The ending fell a bit flat, but overall, you did a great job.

Write on!
SG
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Review of Fear the Repo Man  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is an interesting story with a nice twist at the end. Kind of reminds me of the Twighlight Zone, at least the ending - maybe it's your intro.

From a technical perspective:

The doorbell rang. /Steve stopped eating Need another line break

“I regret to inform you that, due to your failure to pay your outstanding credit card bills, we must repossess the most expensive items you own. close quotes

In terms of content:

It is the feeling that you’re dreaming For this, I think a fragment would be okay; cut the beginning and start with 'the feeling'. You could also change the period from the last sentence into a hyphen and join the thoughts.

flowing through his short brown hair, or what remained of it Restructure - flowing through what remained of his short brown hair

his old friend start the convertible. He saw Steve start laughing Repetition

greeted Steve at the door. Steve shut the door Repetition; awkward.

the sight of the convertible shimmering in the afternoon sun. Great imagery! I love the picture you paint with this

Tears rose to the surface of her eyes, spilling over the edges of her eyelids Repetition; why not just 'lids'?

the black leather sofa./Steve stood and walked to the sofa Repetition

“Brandon, you ready to go?” Steve called upstairs./Ten-year-old Brandon came bounding down the stairs, the twinkle of excitement dancing across his marble blue eyes. His smile let Steve know he was ready to go. Repetition

his son’s wonder. /As Brandon’s eyes continued to widen in wonderment Repetition

“Brandon wants to go to the mall,” This seems like a bad idea to me; why is she sending Brandon with his dad? Bad, bad idea...

I’m not being selfish./He ignored the voice that was telling him none of this was about being selfish Repetition

The man just looked at him. Fresh out of the eleventh grade, the boy had spiky black Is he a boy or a man? Maybe just call him a 'kid' the first time

Lisa slapped her hands against the wall repeatedly, then punched the walls Repetition

block her saliva with his arm. Lisa knocked his arm Repetition

Bobby stood and met Lisa in the kitchen Who is Bobby? Do you mean Steve?

I'm not sure the last section is necessary; I think you can get by with just taking the kids an ending it there. The summary part drags the story on unnecessarily. Also, I am surprised that Lisa just lets them go; maybe show her fighting him off? It seems she would at least cling to them. Last suggestion, especially if you decide to conclude the story without the last part; tighten this sentence leaving the two in a permanent state of bending over. Maybe more of a Leaving them permenantly hunched. But the 'bending over' is a little weak.

Overall, fantastic story. Great job! Just watch out for repetition. *Wink*
SG
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Review of Dentistry  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Star*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Star*


A very interesting story. LOL! See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4.25 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly labled as a short story.

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title is appropriate. The only suggestion I have for the brief description is to change your period to a questionmark

*Bullet*Spacing. – You doublespace between paragraphs for easier onscreen reading

*Bullet*Dialogue. –

“Hey old man,” he greeted him jovially Unclear who is speaking

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

Too bad too, if she wasn't so prickly she'd be quite attractive, he decided. semicolon instead of comma after 'too'

“There, did you hear it,” questionmark after 'it'

I’m going to give your teeth a thorough cleaning too. comma after 'cleaning'

*Bullet*Spelling. – No spelling errors that I saw.

Intermediate Structure – 4.0 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. –

Unfortunately, he discovered, just as he was about to enjoy dinner, one of his fangs remained jagged and painful to the touch. This is a little hard to follow. I would restructure it. Maybe Unfortunately, just as he was about to enjoy dinner, he discovered…

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – See "How To Write A Good Paragraph"  [E] for some help with paragraph formation.

Collin was whining in the next room Start a new paragraph here

Reynolds got busy and fussed around, same

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – What an absolutely fantastic introductory sentence! This story moves along well, with good scene changes and paragraph jumps.

Content – 8.75 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – This is a hysterical vampire piece. Certainly not something we usually consider. Great job! I think I would like to have seen a little more of his reaction to the dentist office, since he's never been before, but you did a pretty convincing job.

*Bullet*Character definition. – You do a good job of defining Simeon. He comes across as very credible, although I would like to have seen a few more details about him. Overall, however, he is well-created.

*Bullet*Language. –You have a few awkward phrases, but you tend towards to use active verbs and avoid weak writing.

*Bullet*Reaction. – This piece certainly made me chuckle!

Flow – 4.5 of 5 stars

A fairly smooth piece, this had very few distractions to break the flow. The biggest problem I had was with lack of appropriate paragraph breaks.

Overall: This was a great short story, certainly an interesting take on a subject not usually tackled.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Otherwise, just watch your punctuation.

Suggestion #2 – Perhaps provide a few more details.

Suggestion #1 – Keep an eye on your paragraph formation.


Star Total: 21.5/25
Averaged: 4.3
Rounded: 4.5

Great job! Write on!
SG
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172
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great description of surviving a hurricane. You keep the action intense, the story moving, and the tension high.

From a technical perspective:

"Lord, what is that sound?" You forgot to indent this paragraph

day light one word; you repeat it in the next sentence


In terms of content:

We watched as different parts of the surrounding neighborhoods went black; house and streetlights flickering out. this structure doesn't quite work. I would either use a comma OR use 'flickered'

the 140+ mph winds snapped the trees as easily as snapping beans. Love this image

You use 'as' a lot in your sentence structures. A few quick examples:
but would get worse as the storm was expected to last until noon the next day
The darkness absorbed the light as if it weren't even there.
, as another transformer blew.
And so forth.

We were in total obscurity. I know what you are going for here, and you are managing not to repeat 'darkness', but I think 'obscurity' may be a little awkward. What about flipping the sentence to avoid the passive? Such as (but not a specific example): {c:red)The black night surrounded us or something to that effect.

In the morning, the storm will still be raging on, but the beaches would have long ago lost their battle. I think 'long ago' is a bit awkward in this context; maybe 'long since'?

I thought the storm couldn't sound any fiercer than it already was, a sound like a train Repetition

It went down slowly at first, almost as if in slow motion, Repetition

Flashlights lit our shocked faces as we listened to trees falling, debris flying and fences being torn apart as the sound of the handicapped train vanished, leaving us to once again hear only the screaming wind, as if it was in pain. This is an awkward sentence. I would consider breaking it up, keeping the sentences short and snappy for the action.

While doing this we heard another loud noise. When we were through, we went to find where the noise was coming from. Repetition

We came back into the crowded living room and sports room, which now contained three rooms full of stuff. Repetition

I thanked God that He kept all of us safe, including my three little dogs A little awkward; maybe consider 'even' instead of 'including'?

It felt strange seeing the day light since it seemed so out of place in the midst of such destruction A little awkwardly worded; you also repeat 'daylight' from two sentences back

As I looked out, my eyes grew wide and all I could think of was that it looked like a war zone, like bombs had been dropped all around us. Also awkward

outside the house but also inside as well; three feet of insulation lay scattered throughout the house. Repetition

By the time morning had arrived, the storm still howled, but no longer so fiercely This sentence seems out of place in the midst of your description of the destruction. Maybe reference it in the morning, when you wake up and are noticing the daylight, etc.

This was a well-written piece, very tight. I know most of the stuff here was nitpicky, but overall you did a fantastic job.

Great work!
SG
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Review of Untitled  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Star*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Star*


This was a very tragic tale with a great deal of potential. As it stands now, you do a lot of "telling", rather than "showing". Most of the story is a summarized flashback. Although it would require more writing, I think it would be vastly improved by more details. Instead of telling it in the form of a memory, why not walk through the details of their lovelife. Or zoom in on the moment just before she breaks up with him - what is she thinking and feeling at that point? Then it contrasts nicely with her emotions at the end.

You also need to watch out for punctuation. See "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor for some good tips. And be sure to use the apostrophe (') for contractions (don't).

A very interesting, dramatic storyline.

Welcome to the site, and write on!
SG
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Review of A Fire down below  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Star*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Star*


This was an interesting action sequence. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 2.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly listed as a short story, with appropriate genres

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title fits the piece, but you might consider cleaning up the brief description a bit. James is trapped – there's no hope in sight. Give it a subject, at least.

*Bullet*Spacing. – You doublespace between paragraphs for easier onscreen reading.

*Bullet*Dialogue. – No tag errors.

*Bullet*Punctuation. – I highly recommend you read "Invalid Item" 

When the police arrived the smelled comma after 'police'; also, should be 'they'

At the end of this time the charges comma after 'time'

Boy did that plan backfire! comma after 'boy', but this sentence is unnecessary

During the winter the temperature comma after 'winter'

" The Pit " as no spaces, and comma after 'pit'; "The Pit,"

" OH s***! " same

" Torpedo same

explodes"! exclamation point goes inside the quotes

The Chief yelled, " Turn that thing off before the boiler explodes"! James dashed toward the AFFF hose when the burner front burst into flames setting the 2 burnermen ablaze! James quickly covered the men in foam but it was too late. There charred corpses fell to the deck and then it went from bad to worse! The second boiler exploded into a fireball that engulfed 3 more sailors. James tried to get to the Chief but there was a wall of flames between them. " Get topside son! The ship is lost!" There are too many exclamation points in this paragraph. The parts for dialogue are okay (though those should be in a separate paragraph), but you don't need to make exclamations as you tell the story. Let your sentences be punchy and convey the excitement, which in this case, they do.

Once activated the comma after 'activated'

50-50", comma inside quotes

*Bullet*Spelling. –

of 2 evils spell out numbers ten and under

a total disregard for lide. A disregard for what?

3 years three

he laid in his rack drying trying? dying?

Intermediate Structure – 2.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – You have some rough sentences that are awkward to get through. Try to avoid wordiness and vagueness.

The boiler room was in the bottom of the ship, there was no outside light, the noise was more deafening than a KISS concert and the heat made you feel like you were standing on the sun. Runon sentence

A couple of ships had been involved in the campaign from day 1 and needed relief so that was where the Guadalcanal came in. Vague; you can cut everything after 'relief' as unnecessary. Or you can elaborate on what kind of relief will be provided

James could feel it capsizing Feel what capsizing? If I am reading this right, he is in the escape hatch, so he feels the enormous ship capsizing? How do you feel that? Not saying it's not possible, just tell us how he knew, especially if he's never been on a sinking ship before.

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – You tend to jump around within paragraphs. See this article for some help: "Revising Paragraphs & Organization"  [E]

James had to pick the lesser of 2 evils as a teenager. He was the star athlete at his high school and the big man on campus Note here how you jump from one thought to the next. This would be doable but you get really off-track and then come back with a small until that very unlucky night. If you are going to refer to the 'two evils', you need to elaborate a bit more, to build off of it. I understand you don't want to give it all away, but perhaps you can cut a little more, such as He was the big man on campus until that very unlucky night. See how that keeps it on theme without digressing?

When James was a senior he had everything going for him. One night he had gone to a party You also jump ship here. Your time references are a little 'jumpy'. You go from 'when James was a senior' – a nine month period of time – to 'one night' – a single night.

James was thrown from his bunk by the explosion on the starboard side of the ship. He rammed his feet into his boots and zipped up his coveralls in one swift motion. IF he was thrown, then wouldn't he have hit the floor first? You make quite a leap here. Close your eyes, imagine him being thrown, and then visualize the necessary steps to getting the boots on. After all, wouldn't the lights go out and on emergency? (or would they?) Would the ship shake? Shudder? Groan? Would men be yelling? Would the deck feel cold and clammy like his hands? What does he experience?

Just as he descended to the lower level he heard his Chief talking to the engine room. " Engines are off line! We are taking on water! " Just then the Repetition

another explosion rocked the ship. This time it was in the forward part of the ship repetition

The water was rising and now covered James' shoulders. It was only a matter of time before the entire ship was submerged under water. Repetition; no need for 'under water' after 'submerged'

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – The story seems to jump quite a bit. You go from high school to court to the navy/army/you didn't say which. There isn't much prep or setup before you move to the next segment of his life. Also, a note: James inserted his earplugs as he entered the space. But where did he get them from?

Content – 5.75 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – This was an interesting story. However, I feel you spent too much time on the setup, and too much glossing over the actual action. I would seriously consider cutting the first batch of paragarphs. Then slip that information in, piece by piece. Next, elaborate on the action scenes. As I said before, you slammed him to the ground and then he immediately put on his boots. Check out this article from the previous Action/Adventure newsletter for more help. "March 2, 2005: writetight" 

James' father was more worried about his reputation being tarnished I am unclear how sending James away, even if the record is expunged, will save his reputation. If it already hit the papers – and the odds are good it did – then it's already on record. It would make sense if he was trying to avoid further humiliation? But any politician knows that the muckrakers will always remember he was arrested; he won't manage to get everyone to forget.

A life boat came alongside immediately and pulled him to safety Very improbable. How did they see him? Give him at least a few seconds – a minute or two – to tread water, look around, get his bearings. Even if the lifeboat had an engine (versus oars), it would take time for the crew to see him, point, and turn in his direction, much less get there.

*Bullet*Character definition. – Your characters are very flat. You do a great deal of showing rather than telling, so we don't get to see for ourselves what the people, especially James, is thinking, feeling, or doing. See "Invalid Item"  for more details.

*Bullet*Language. – Watch out for the passive voice – using 'is, was, am, were' etc. Try to use stronger verbs. Look how you overuse it here: James' father was a powerful political figure and tried to make the charges disappear. The problem was James' case was heard by a newly appointed judge who was particularly hard on young drivers. See "Invalid Item"  An example of how to clean this up – and I'm not saying "do it this way", but notice the difference – is James' father, a powerful political figure, tried to make the charges disappear. But the judge who heard his case believed driving was a privelege and not a right. The change is especially noticable in the 2nd sentence. You don't have to completely do away with the passive voice, but try to avoid overusing it.

he would freeze with panic and never live I'm not sure 'never live' is the verbage to go for. Maybe 'never move' or 'never survive' or 'never get out'?

darted to the open elevator door it is very hard to 'dart' in deep water

*Bullet*Reaction. – This was an interesting story, but it needs a bit more reshaping and tightening. It does have a great deal of potential, however.

Flow – 3.25 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – Your sentences are a little jerky and hard to follow. You do have some very smooth ones, however. I liked He rammed his feet into his boots and zipped up his coveralls in one swift motion. Although it doesn't quite fit there, it is an intriguing sentence.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – You tend to jump around within your paragraphs. You do much better during the action sequences.

*Bullet*Progression. – There are a couple of spots where you jump from one place to the next. However, during the action sequence, you tend to transit realistically between paragraphs.

Overall: You do a fantastic job with the action sequence.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Avoid overusing the passive voice

Suggestion #2 – Try to do more "showing" and less "telling".

Suggestion #1 – Focus the story around the action sequence. Find a way to work the background in in small increments

Star Total: 14.5/25
Averaged: 2.9
Rounded: 3.0

Welcome to the site, and keep writing!
SG

PS I saw you referenced your wife in your bio. You can use {user:#} and put her user (login) name where the # sign is and people can click right to her.
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Review of Stormy Night  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was an intersting romance in bloom. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 3.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly listed as a short story. Your genres are all appropriate

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title fits the story, but I think I'd work on a little more *zing* to your brief description; it's a little "blah" as is. Maybe something more like He was the only one who could follow her through the storm in her heart or something to that effect. Remember, the brief description is what draws your reader in.

*Bullet*Spacing. – I highly recommend doublespacing between paragraphs for static items on writing.com. Many readers will skip over it if they see large blocks of text.

*Bullet*Dialogue. – It is unclear for some time who speaks this line. You think you know what it's like to be alone. Although you reference her lip, he could easily be viewing this.

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

Outside the window dark clouds comma after 'window'

everyone!..." no ellipses

"Well I see you..." no ellipses

*Bullet*Spelling. –

tot he to the

icey icy

"You think you know what it's like: To be alone?!" no colon and lowercase 'to'

Intermediate Structure – 4 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – You have a few awkward spots, but overall your sentences are very well composed.

a small fire burned deep inside them, the smoldering embers of something always hidden deep. Repetition

"Well I see you..." This is a very profound point. Earlier, I suggested no ellipses, and that is because it makes the statement uncertain when I think you want it to come across as strong and clear.

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – Most of your paragraphs stay on topic; there was only one inconsistancy that I found.

Every other day you walk into that bar and every time it's the same!" he continued. Actually, since she was talking previously, he ISN'T continuing

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. –

The cashier's name was John./John was a smart man, You jump suddenly from one point of view to the next, which is very awkward. Consider staying in his PoV throughout; I think you can communicate everything. You just need to change the first part.

Content – 7.75 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – This is an interesting piece. I like how he sees her and follows her, although I wonder why, if he knows she will leave, he doesn't make sure the drink comes almost instantly, you know? I'm sure that he has been noticing her over time, but I think he needs a little more to make his point – maybe a "take her head and force her to look in his eyes" type deal. You've done a good job of showing – not just telling – her desolation, but I'd like to see a little more develop from the relationship.

*Bullet*Character definition. – Your characters are pretty flat; they don't have a lot of substance to them. You leave us wanting to know more.

*Bullet*Language. – You use some beautiful language in this piece.

the lightning far away dance across the treetops I like this image

started to trek on. 'trek' seems like an awkward fit here

the black clouds above tore open and unleashed their angry wrath, crying sorrowful tears for another lonely day. Also love this image. You have a way with words; do you write poetry, as well?

the liquid movement of the rain. I like this one too

One thing I noticed – you used a lot of words to avoid repeating 'said'. But 'said' is one of those words that are okay to use over and over; if used properly, it is 'the most invisible word in the English language' (according to my Creative Writing teacher, LOL). So don't be afraid to use it more often.

*Bullet*Reaction. – I loved your use of description but felt the storyline was a bit on the typical side. I'd like to see you go deeper and more gut-wrenching; take us into their pasts a little more.

Flow – 4 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – Your sentences are fairly smooth and easy to follow

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – Your paragraphs stay on topic. The sentences within them do a good job of supporting one other

*Bullet*Progression. – The biggest break in flow comes from the PoV jump.

Overall: You have beautiful imagery in this piece; you have the soul of a poet. I love your description and the introspection.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Go ahead and use 'said' more often than not.

Suggestion #2 – Tell the whole story from his PoV

Suggestion #1 – A little more details or opening up; you have the beginning of a beautiful relationship but I'd like to see more promise that it will work


Star Total: 19.5/25
Averaged: 3.9
Rounded: 4.0

A very pleasing visual experience! Write on!
SG
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