Hello! I am reviewing
FIRST IMPRESSIONS: As you have asked, I am reviewing Chapters 1 & 2 of your ingenious novel, "Galaxy Guardians". I have the impression that you are not serious enough about taking on the job of such a good, little novel here. It has great impact on youngsters and is a real challenge to read at this point. I have no reason to think you do not want to publish at some point so I will give you a certain amount of edit with direction.
1
“Ah! Will this ever be over!” I screamed. Change exclamation point to question mark.
I sat at my desk gazing out the school window.
“I can’t wait till I get back to good old G.H.S!” I thought, Make it, Thinking, "I can't wait till I get back to gool ole' HS I gasped for air.
“Miss Jones I’m guessing you know the answer?”
That’s my teacher, Mrs. Sims .She’s crazyPlace period.{{/c} she wears the same colors every day: liminate semicolon. To make it hip, just say:Black and gray. Yuck! And she always has her hair in this ugly bun. {Place period}. Make it's a capital "I". it's just tacky, Change comma to periodshe wears the same black and gray gym shoes every day! One word to describe her is yuck!
“ Serrony Jones!”
“Huh?” I looked upPlace period after line.
“Since you've finally come back to earth I would like to know how many….”
“(*Ring!*)”
“Yes! The bell!”
“Serrony!” Ms. Sims yelled,Change comma to period.
“ Bye Tacky!”
“That’s it! Two weeks detention!”
“Wahoo! Schools out!” I shouted, Change comma to period after line.
I raced out the class room so fast I was like a red-headed rocketPlace Perod. Ms. Sims' voice was only an echo in my ears. I stopped to clean out my locker for the last time. I can't believe this is really going to be the last time I see this place. This time I'm not leaving for just the summer, but for good. Suddenly I decided to stop being in rush and take a moment to reminisce on all the memories I had aat Tally Middle School. I slowing walked down the corridor as all the students were rushing to get on their buses excited for school to be out. I stood right in front of the principles office c:red} "I've been in there so many times..." I thought then I went pasted I thought then when I passed Mrs Bagollia's room.{c} "I had so many detentions in there." Before I knew it I was in the front of the school I glanced threw the glass and saw all the kids screaming, dancing and talking to one another. Tears started to fall from my big blue eyes c:red}Place Period. I quickly brushed the}them away and walked out the door. I could see Kyle from the other side of the yard. He was running full pelt GOOD! Original!and was bright pink because of it. He was running so fast it looked like he was stumbling his brown hair was flopping everywhere.
“Hurry up Serrony or we’re going to miss the bus!” He yelled, Change comma to period.
“ChillPlace period.we have lots of time.” I said,. Remember, with speaking verbs always place a comma before the second quotation mark and make sure there is no punctuation after the second quotaton mark. Change period to comma here.
“You call five mins time!” Kyle snapped. }Unsure of what you mean here
“Why didn’t you just say that! Lets go!” I shoutedPlace period I took Kyle’s hand and we ran to the bus.
“Are you psyched about Galaxy High?” Hehe asked.
“Yeah }Place period.totallyTotally, man.Place period. I can’t wait forour first year of high School,” I said, musing on the possibilities.Place a period after school {you must not capitalize school here With these partcular chapters that's important.} Then say, I mused on the possibilities of what might happen to me, lonely perhaps,perhaps not. Nervilly, barely stopping to say the 'f' word to myself I burst out with a comment to ask if Kyle was available.
I said goodbye to the bus driver after all this was our last trip with him forever, it seemed like the right thing to do. As we jumped off the last step and on to the curb I could tell Kyle was bursting to ask Finish sentence
“So I was wondering.....” Kyle said as he started to blush. It isn't that great to use ditto points to preclude statments.They are natural as an "interlude" however, sometimes unnecessary.
Oh no! I thought. This must be another question about Black Widow. See she’s a girl we met two summers ago lace period. Galaxy Middle school. Her real name is Rene but every one calls her black widowsKeep to capitalizing your character's names. Don't switch horses in midstream. So then, also, watch out for changing tenses in your paragraphs. she’s*red*She's on our team. He’s been crushing on her ever since! Black Widow had short purple hair and her eyes were a graceful Aborigine color. I had to admit she was pretty but I totally knew why Kyle liked her, it was because she has big boobs and she knows how to show them off too. She only fifteen and almost all her clothes were low- cut, which didn't add up because she's so quiet and mysterious.
'Yeah?” I said, Place period instead of comma please.
“Well…. I was wondering if you talked to Black Widow in a while?'
'Yeah”Place period after your line.
“Did she say anything about me?”
“ Yeah She said that she would love to marry you and you’ll have beautiful big-headed children together!” I laughed.Great line!
“That’s not funny Serrony!” Kyle’s face turned red as an apple. I laughed so hard that I felt like I was about to burst. One thing I always liked about Kyle is how he gets embarrassed so easily. I have no idea how we became best friends Place comma (,) he's so nerdy. He can act like such a sissy, sometimes I think I'm the guy in this friendship.
“Well this is my stop” I said, Again, you know what to do. You are doing fine.
“Bye” Place period after line.
“Bye lover boy!” I made kissing sounds all the way up the drive way.
“See you tomorrow!” He said,Change comma to period after "said"
“Bright in early!” I yelled back as he began walking.
I stopped at my front door and looked around to examine my surroundings, even though it's the year 3,000 earth hasn't changed much sense the 2000s. Sure we have flying cars but come on who doesn't? Earth doesn't really like to communicate with the outside galaxies there still trying to get use to the thought of other planets. If yah think about it, it's only been fifty years since we found out there were more planets besides earth. There's also a lot of discrimination and fear against people like me with magical powers for instance non-humans are not allowed to use their powers against humans. I won't miss all these rules I guess. Great paragraph!
LAST COMMENT FOR NOW: {:e:checkR}Now. Use my suggestions and finish the edit. My points are valid It is really worth doing. I liked your novel so far as I have read. The premise, the characters, the possbilities are clever, fun, and very wholesome. Make sure you do ALL CHAPTERS so as it will go if you want to publish. Keep to indenting your paragraphs. I gives way to starting up a whole new world!
Write on!
Feather Duster
aka vicki
** Image ID #14617734 Unavailable **
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! May you continue on with good marks in the company of many WDC members!