wow! Great "Ordinary Horror" story! Just a few comments: entire ocean. The water falling Period should be a comma Cameron Lomax loved the gray rain, there was Should be 2 sentences The following blows were probably unnecessary, the first wound killed him I would use a semicolon after "unnecessary", and use "wound would have killed". He never used a keyboard, he thought it felt The comma should be a semicolon. put his mouth to Careron's ear Misspelled Cameron eject the inked tip, but it didn’t come pop out Delete "come" prefabrication of the events I don't think "prefabrication" is the right word here. fail like a man that hung by a thread It should be "who" instead of "that".
You really need to break up your paragraphs more. It's a bit overwhelming having it all lumped together like that. And anywhere there is a quote, it should be on a separate line. Dialogue is always separated out. I also wouldn't shorten Wednesday in the first paragraph.
Great story, but I'm a little confused about the country in which it's set. You use the term "dollars" which is American currency, but some other wording is more British, along with the spelling of "cheque". Americans don't refer to money as "notes". And I have no idea what a "dole office" is. Otherwise, I enjoyed it!
Very good start; I'm intrigued. I'm a little confused about the title, though. Is Karen "A Spider"? A few other comments before I move on to Chapter 1...
1)...senses in attempt to understand... Should it be "in an attempt"?
2)...she could black sores... You've left out "see"..."she could see black sores".
3)...gauged to be half a mile... Half a mile from where?
4)It is intrigue? Should it be, "Is it intrigue"?
5)...with their hide in tact. Intact is one word.
6)What is it that you really want? You're missing the end quotes.
7)...regained as uch of her bearing... You've left out the "m" in "much".
8)...after solving out your specific location. "Solving" doesn't seem to be the right word here, maybe "puzzling".
9)She scribed the map co-ordinates... Do you mean "inscribed"?
It's difficult to determine from such short descriptions whether the characters would be interesting or not in a full story. That said, your descriptions are fairly vivid and interesting. I would be interested in longer descriptions of these characters, including something of how they act, what they do for a living, something a little deeper than physical descriptions.
I like this story a lot. It's a good glimpse into the hell a war vet often goes through. I like the ambiguity of what is the "true" reality, even at the end. Maybe the truth is that he's locked up in a padded room? The reader can't really know for sure.
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