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Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Exclaim* Greetings Ann Ticipation *Exclaim*

Review of "The Seagulls' Cries 13+: Written after hearing a disturbing account on the news.

*Flower3* Things I Liked:

[ Daddy will come and save me soon he thought
wishing with all his heart that he was here,
the boy sobbed out a comforting nursery tune,
daddy as usual was out pubbing, drinking beer.
]
         *Bullet* I just loved the fifth stanza, particularly the first four lines... Very well written! *Smile*

*Bullet* I liked the ending, which was also nicely done. The exclamation point at the very end helps to empahasize your powerful finish.

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ Daddy will come and save me soon he thought ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “save me soon”

[ daddy as usual was out pubbing, drinking beer. ]
         *Bullet* “daddy” needs to be capitalized because it’s being used as a name in this case

[ The boy might just as well asked for the moon. ]
         *Bullet* “asked” should either be changed to “ask” or “have asked”

[ Never talk to strangers mummy had once taught. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “Never talk to strangers”
         *Bullet* “mummy” needs to be capitalized because it’s being used as a name in this case

[ Mummy I wish you had not left and gone away, ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “Mummy”

[ Now safe in God's arms, out of harms reach
cruelly abandoned by paedophiles, left to die!
]
         *Bullet* An apostrophe is needed in “harms” *Right* harm’s reach
         *Bullet* I believe “paedophiles” should be “pedophiles”

*Reading* Overall Impression:

Other than a few mechanical errors, this was a wonderful poem! You did a superb job with the that tricky rhyme scheme, no problems at all. And you also managed to tell a tragic story at the same time--well done!

Thanks for sharing; I enjoyed this piece. Keep writing! *Delight*

*Star* My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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2
2
Review of Silver Rain  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Exclaim* Greetings Minerva *Exclaim*

Review of "Silver Rain 13+: A young Jew's life and death during WWII.

*Flower3* Things I Liked:

*Bullet* You did a wonderful job with the flashbacks in this story; the transitionions from the past and the present were doing very well and without any bumps.

*Bullet* I loved the ending! It was so beautifully written, and I really liked how you made it peaceful, how David realizes that he holds no hate, even for those that are murdering him and his family. It conveys a very strong message.

*Bullet* The story itself is well written. You've done a super job with getting names, dates, and all the facts about the Holocaust very accurate.


*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ But how?” ha asked, shocked. ]
         *Bullet* "ha" should be "he"

[ Father didn’t say anything – or doing anything for that matter. ]
         *Bullet* "doing" should be "do"

[ She died simply because the German’s think women are no good so they killed them all. ]
         *Bullet* The apostrophe in "German's" is not needed

[ All the women who experienced the same train ride I did all perished. ]
         *Bullet* Consider deleting one of the two "all"s in this sentence

[ I deceitful tones, we’re told we’re taking a shower. ]
         *Bullet* "I" should be "In"

*Reading* Overall Impression:

I enjoy reading historical-fiction, and this powerfully moving story was no exception. You truly did a fantastic job with this story, and I certainly hope you got an A+ for it. Thanks so much for sharing... Keep writing! *Delight*

*Star* My Rating:

5.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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3
3
Review of Relief by Death  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Exclaim* Greetings kclover*Exclaim*

Review of "Relief by Death ASR: 55 word short story for the current contest

*Flower3* Things I Liked:

*Bullet* Writing a story--a real one, with a plot, solution, beginning, and end--in just 55 words can be quite a challenge... But you did it very well! I loved this short but powerful piece, and you did a great job with writing this in few so words.

*Bullet* The ending is very poetic and beautiful. It suits this story well and is a perfect way to finish. Excellent job.

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ Through a peaceful sleep her pain has now been removed. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a ocmma after "Through a peaceful sleep"

[ Those left behind mourn with an underlying sense of release that they no longer have to view the shell of what used to be a vibrant lively soul. ]
         *Bullet* Shouldn't "release" be "relief"?

*Reading* Overall Impression:

Overall, this is a beautifully written piece--very descrptive and flowing--and I wish you best of luck in the contest! Thank you for sharing... Keep writing. *Delight*

*Star* My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
4
4
Review of Catnip and Bones  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Exclaim* Greetings Karen Bristow *Exclaim*

Review of "Catnip and Bones E: Newton and Gracie go shopping and buy something they shouldn't! Writer's Cramp

*Flower3* Things I Liked:

*Bullet* This story is very simple and straightforward, but still a delightful read that is well written and entertaining. You did a great job using the prompt!

*Bullet* I loved the comical ending. It was very funny and made me smile... *Bigsmile* Well done!

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ “These aren’t rawhide Gracie,” he said, ignoring her glare. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “These aren’t rawhide”

[ “I know how hard you worked on those forms Newton,” Gracie said, her demeanor softening towards her friend. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “you worked on those forms”

[ “Come on Newton! Let’s go get rid of these nasty eggs!” ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “Come on”

[ The groceries paid for, and the little wagon they used to haul stuff loaded with sacks, Gracie and Newton started off for home at a run. ]
         *Bullet* This sentence seems to read a bit awkwardly to me. You may want to consider rewording just a tad to make what you are trying to say clearer.

*Reading* Overall Impression:

This is a great story! It was a very enjoyable read and the humor was excellent. Thank you for sharing; keep writing! *Delight*

*Star* My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
5
5
Review of The Knock  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Exclaim* Greetings John Winter *Exclaim*

Review of "The Knock ASR: A short story based on the death of my sister.

*Flower3* Things I Liked:

[ I turn on the TV and flip through channels for a moment before finally choosing Gilligan's Island -- high quality TV for five in the morning. ]
*Up*          *Up*          *Up*

I absolutely loved the detail in this story! You did a super job, and these two particular sentences especially stood out to me as wonderful writing. Little details like these just make the story so much more interesting, unique, and memorable.
*Down*          *Down*          *Down*

[ I continue to stare out the window, taking notice small details -- a raccoon climbs down from a tree to scavenge some food for its young, a small red sports car passes us at a reckless speed, and in the long string of streetlights, one has burned out. ]

*Bullet* Stories written in present tense, first person, in my opinion, are a bit difficult to write well. But you managed it just fine here. Nice job!

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ I hadn't even had time to unpack since I came home from dad's last week with news that Heather would be home by the end of the week. ]
         *Bullet* "dad's" should be capitalized because it is being used as a name, not a noun, in this case.

[ Zipping up the back pack I flip off the light, open the door, and step into the living room.]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "Zipping up the back pack"

[ Closing the door I begin to walk with my dad and step-mom to the side door. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "closing the door"

[ My stepsister, Andrea, is sitting on the floor in front of the sink with her knees to her chest drinking tea. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "with her knees to her chest"

[ Both of these picture were perfectly centered -- amazing for a six year old. ]
         *Bullet* "picture" should be plural

[ As I set the glass back down, mom sits down on the chair and starts to tell me and Andrea what she knows so far.]
         *Bullet* "mom" should be capitalized because it's being used as a name, not a noun, in this case.

[ you two probably won't be in until at least next Monday," my step-mom says turning towards Andrea and I. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "my step-mom says"

*Reading* Overall Impression:

The one thing I wondered about at the end was the little girl, Heather, herself. At one point in the story you mention that she is six years old, but there is still a lot about her that we do not know. What did she look like? What was her personality? What was the cause of her death? These are key questions, so you may want to consider answering them!

Overall, you captured and held my interest from beginning to end in this beautifully written story... I loved it. Thank you for sharing; keep writing! *Delight*


*Star* My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
6
6
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Exclaim* Greetings S. Tilghman Hawthorne *Exclaim*

Review of "Fatal Exception:Kiss of Death ASR: This is a satirical Fantasy based on a message I actually received in my e-mail once!

*Flower3* Things I Liked:

*Bullet* Computers have always given me grief, too, so I could definitely relate to this funny story! The humor is wonderful.

*Bullet* The title, Fatal Exception: Kiss of Death, caught my interest right away. Good job with drawing the reader in. *Smile*

*Bullet* The whole idea of this piece is great. I loved the scene where the men with guns come in after Hal receives the message on the screen. A very melodramatic ending--but comical and ironic at the same time!

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ A soothing tone played and a message popped up: Would you like to register now?” it asked. ]
         *Bullet* You've forgotten the beginning quotation mark in this sentence.

[ Two hours later in total and complete frustration, he threw the mouse across the room ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "Two hours later"

[ “We’re from Macrosoft, sir, we understand there’s a problem with your computer,” ]
         *Bullet* I'm not sure if you intended for "Macrosoft" to be the name, or if you were trying to write "Microsoft" instead.

*Reading* Overall Impression:

This story was a bit on the short side. I would've liked to know more about Hal, who he is, his job, his age, his physical features, personality, etc. A bit more description could make the story a lot more exciting, as well.

Overall, what you have here is a wonderful start but I feel that with a few revisions, it could be even better. Thanks for sharing--and for making me smile! Keep writing. *Delight*

*Star* My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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7
7
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Exclaim* Greetings feelingfine *Exclaim*

Review of "Hiccups and Lost Voices 13+: A story of my worst day in school, PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!!! thanks :)

*Flower3* Things I Liked:

[ The teacher’s eyes search the classroom, for someone to prey upon. It has to be someone who doesn’t want it, of course, so I have to look like I’ll answer the question. ]
         *Bullet* I loved this story because I could relate to it! Like the sentence above--I know exactly what you're talking about. You have to do the opposite: if you have no clue, just raise your hand and shout me! me! me! but if you know the answer, you have to pretend to be asleep. *Laugh*

*Bullet* Wow, what emotion! You did a great job conveying the character's feelings and thoughts to the reader. Excellent characterization in this story.

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ Don’t call on her- she’ll make the homework look to easy! ]
         *Bullet* "to easy" should be "too easy"

[ I’m crouched to over too far. ]
         *Bullet* I believe you accidentally added in an extra word in "I'm crouched to over too far"

[ “Al…” she says the last syllable of my name and I know it’s over. I start thinking of ways to start my obituary. ]
         *Bullet*

[ Whatever, they all sound good, I just hope they will remember me before this stupid day. ]
         *Bullet* Did you perhaps mean "after" instead of "before" in this sentence? It just seems to make more sense, to me at least.

*Reading* Overall Impression:

The one thing I noticed in your story was that you sometimes tended to use exclamation marks a bit too much. For example:

[ I avoid any eye contact at all- NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t call on me! ]
         *Bullet* Although I loved this sentence and nearly laughed out loud, the amount of exclamation marks in this sentence is just too excessive. You may want to consider deleting a few.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. It was funny, realistic, and something I felt I could relate to (school just started again for me *Pthb*). Thanks for sharing--and for making me smile. Keep writing! *Delight*

*Star* My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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8
8
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Exclaim* Greetings stellina *Exclaim*

Review of "The Stair that Wasn't There 18+: Miranda's New Orleans hotel has some unusual restrictions--and for a good reason.

*Flower3* Things I Liked:

[ After the heavy doors thumped shut behind her, Miranda padded down the hallway towards her room, trailing her fingers along the rose moiré wallpaper between doors. 201, 203, 205, 207, turn, 209, 211, 213, 215, turn. The suites. 217, 219. Stop. ]
         *Bullet* I loved this paragraph! You did such a wonderful job with describing the scene and building suspense--just like the rest of the story. Well done!

*Bullet* The ending was perfect for this piece. Simple, yet effective and powerful. I love the whole idea of this story--a haunted hotel with invisible rooms. Very creative!

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ The woman’s looked uncomfortable, but her voice was firm. ]
         *Bullet* "woman's" should be "woman", I believe.

[ "Here's good," Jack said, and plonked himself down on the curb. ]
         *Bullet* "plonked" is not a word; perhaps you meant "plunked"?

[ Yawning, she fumbled the key out of her pocket, looking as she always did to her left at the big window that opened onto the gallerie— ]
         *Bullet* "gallerie" should be "gallery"

*Reading* Overall Impression:

Overall, I really enjoyed your spooky and chilling short story. It was well written--the setting, characters, plot, mysterious ending, and writing style were all excellent. Thanks for sharing. Keep writing! *Delight*

*Star* My Rating:

4.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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9
9
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Exclaim* Greetings spidey *Exclaim*

Review of "Ruby the Untalented Talent Scout 13+: Ruby the Reindeer is an untalented galactic talent agent!

*Flower3* Things I Liked:

[ Ruby became a talent agent for the Rainbow Talent Agency, which specialized in talent of all races, colors, species, genders, etc. ]
         *Bullet* What a great use of the prompt word "rainbow", spidey! You did a super job incorporating all twenty words into your story smoothly and in a way so that they made sense.

*Bullet* I loved this story! It's well written--fresh, fun, and comical. The ending is a wonderful way to finish. Although you don't actually come out and say what exactly happens, the reader is able to understand what you are implying--and the way it is worded makes it much more humorous and creative then just writing it directly.

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ In fact, many humans saw strange things everyday, but they block them out; ]
         *Bullet* "block" should be "blocked"--past tense.

[ All of a sudden, as Ruby was wallking down the street, the skies started to turn very dark and the wind picked up. ]
         *Bullet* "wallking" should be "walking"

[ It was at that moment that a large branch hit Ruby over the head knocking her unconscious for the rest of the night. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma fater "hit Ruby over the head"

*Reading* Overall Impression:

I really enjoyed this delightful story! The humor is great from beginning to end and entertaining throughout. You did a wonderful job. Thanks for the chuckles! Keep writing. *Delight*

Thank you for entering "Anything Goes!. Because you used twenty prompt words, you will receive 1,000 GPs. I appreciate your entry. Good luck in the contest!

*Star* My Rating:

4.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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10
10
Review of Palpable evil…  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Exclaim* Greetings diggle12 *Exclaim*

Review of "Palpable evil… 18+: Serial killer gets surprise.

*Flower3* Things I Liked:

[ His face was one of those you’d have trouble describing to the police even if the mugging just happened minutes ago. ]
         *Up*          *Up*          *Up*
The metaphors and similes used in this story were unbelievable. Every other sentence there was a new creative, clever simile/metaphor, it seemed like. The descriptions and details were great, as well. These two lines are a couple of my favorites!
         *Down*          *Down*          *Down*
[ Evil was his stock in trade.]

*Bullet* I loved the ending... What a great twist--actually two twists! Great job. *Smile*

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ This was not an area known for it’s warmth or hospitality. ]
         *Bullet* The apostrophe in “it’s” is not needed in this case.

[ Walking a little faster, Rena turned the corner leaving Mr. Litter behind…]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “turned the corner”

[ just being there in that neighborhood on that long winters’ night was enough to generate interest.]
         *Bullet* “winters’ night” should be “winter’s night”

[ The driver didn’t seem to notice the young woman as he continued on and she relaxed a little as he speeded up a little. ]
         *Bullet* Consider deleting one of the “little”s because using the same word twice in one sentence is a bet repetitious.

[ It was there that the trap would spring shut rendering the helpless victim easy prey for the savage beast. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “would spring shut”

[ He threw down the toothpick he was chewing and moved silently after little Rena feeling a certain sick elation within. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “moved silently after little Rena”

[ She did not struggle and made not a single sound as he forced her to the blind spot threatening with Mr. Razor to guarantee her complete cooperation. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “forced her to the blind spot”

[ The bad man stopped his assault and backed away staring in stunned disbelief at the badge.]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “and backed away”

[ She just stood there a moment too holding the badge in front of her like a shield of old savoring the moment. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “stood there a moment too” and another comma after “like a shield of old”

[ Rena cooed, “is something wrong darling?” ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “is something wrong”

[ her right hand caught it in mid-swing stopping it as surely as the last out in a world series. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “caught it in mid-swing”

[ Her fingers tightened just as easily as an industrial machine on an assembly line crushing the flesh and bones as if they were clay. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “industrial machine on an assembly line”

*Reading* Overall Impression:

Although you had a slight problem with commas, this was a very well written story. You did a superb job, and I really enjoyed this vivid piece. Keep writing! *Delight*

*Star* My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
11
11
Review of Desperate  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Exclaim* Greetings [[eaglefeather]] *Exclaim*

Review of "Desperate ASR: Forced to kill, she stood no chance.

*Flower3* Things I Liked:

*Bullet* My law literally dropped at the ending... What a surprise! So sad and unfortunate, yet it does happen. I've read about twelve and thirteen year old children forced to fight in a war they can't even comprehend.

*Bullet* You did a great job with the tone of this piece and getting inside the child's mind... she thought he looked silly. And the silly man would die. Excellent!

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ But he understood the hade in them. ]
         *Bullet* "hade" should be "hate", I believe.

Other than that, I found no errors. Nice job!

*Reading* Overall Impression:

This story is very well written... The description of the fight is vivid and realistic, the writing emotional and true, and made even better by the twisted ending. Thank you for sharing this! Keep writing. *Delight*

*Star* My Rating:

5.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

12
12
Review of Haunted Hallway  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Exclaim* Greetings Captain Colossal *Exclaim*

Review of "Haunted Hallway ASR: Natalie is alone in the haunted hallway! It's dark and scary and there are monsters!

*Flower3* Things I Liked:

[ Natalie crept down the dark hallway. Her flashlight gave a treacherous flicker. Her breath trembled. Her heart pounded. ]
         *Bullet* This is a great descriptive, exciting introduction. Right away the reader begins to wonder What's going on?

*Bullet* The ending is just as well written as the beginning... It turned the whole story around from a scary horror to a light-hearted and comical piece. The tone and style of this story is perfect for children, and I think they'd get as big a kick out of it as I did. Nice job!

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ She covered her head, she remembered in school they taught her to do that when something bad was happening. ]
         *Bullet* The first comma should either be changed to a semi-colon or period.

[ Something creaked behind her. ]
         *Bullet* This is the third time in your short story that you have used the same verb, creaked. Try to avoid overusing words because it can get a bit repetitive.

[ There was another monster. ]
         *Bullet* Who is this other monster? The first is her father, but I did not understand this sentence about another one.

*Reading* Overall Impression:

The only thing I wondered about was what exactly Natalie was doing creeping around the dark hallway. At first I thought perhaps the electricity had gone out, but it was never explained. You may want to consider adding that detail in!

Whenever reading flash fiction, I always look for three things that I believe are essential elements to a good microfiction story:

         *Exclaim* Details/Descriptions
         *Exclaim* Action/Adventure
         *Exclaim* A Surprising Ending

You did an excellent job with all three! I really enjoyed this delightful children's story, Sally. Keep writing! *Delight*

*Star* My Rating:

4.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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13
13
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Exclaim* Greetings greenicat089*Exclaim*

Review of "Freshman beat down Day E: A fun poem about being a freshmen in highschool.

*Flower3* Things I Liked:

*Bullet* I just experienced my first day as a highschool freshman Monday… I liked this poem because I could relate. I felt just like the freshman in this poem—oh no, seniors! *Laugh*—and think you did a wonderful job with capturing the character’s feelings and making it all very realistic.

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

First Stanza, Third Line:
[ A freshmen comes running past, ]
         *Bullet* “freshmen” should be “freshman” (singular, not plural).

Second Stanza, Second Line:
[ As I hear a freshmen shout, ]
         *Bullet* “freshmen” should be “freshman”

Second Stanza, Third Line:
[ I quickly give a silent pray, ]
         *Bullet* “pray” should be “prayer”—I understand that this disrupts the rhyme, but you can reword a bit to make it fit again… For example *Right* ”In the hall I silently pray”

Fourth Stanza, Second Line:
[ Of freshmen’s tossed and cast aside, ]
         *Bullet* “freshmen’s” should be “freshmen”

Fourth Stanza, Third Line:
[ Oh what horrors would come next? ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “Oh”

Fifth Stanza, Second Line:
[ And nosily thrown across the room, ]
         *Bullet* “nosily” should be “noisily”

Fifth Stanza, Fourth Line:
To hear the freshmen’s shout, ]
         *Bullet* “freshmen’s” should be “freshmen”

Seventh Stanza, Third & Fourth Lines:
[ They grabbed my arms, and with much laughter,
And threw me in a small blue locker,
]
         *Bullet* Using the word “and” twice is a bit repetitive. Consider deleting the “And” at the beginning of the second line and replacing it with “they”.

Eighth Stanza, Third Line:
[ Freshmen’s gather, shaken and distraught, ]
         *Bullet* “freshmen’s” should be “freshmen”

Ninth Stanza, Second Line:
[ When I’m a senior King of the Rink, ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “senior”

*Reading* Overall Impression:

Your poem had no problems with rhyme, except for the seventh stanza, which you may want to double check because “laughter” and “locker” are not perfect rhymes. Other than those couple lines though, no problems here.

The rhythm and meter are excellent for the most part (just remember to try to make sure each line has around the same number of syllables), and the poem flows well from line to line. You did a good job with details, emotions, and expressions, as well. Like I said earlier, you got right into the freshman’s mind and wrote down exactly how a first-day highschooler would most likely feel—nervous, excited, scared, anxious.

I liked this poem! It was funny and truthfully honest (although I’ve never actually seen anyone get stuffed in a locker *Wink*); I enjoyed it… Good luck with highschool! *Wink* Keep writing. *Delight*

*Star* My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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14
14
Review of Sticking to It  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (2.5)
*Exclaim* Greetings Spartus *Exclaim*

Review of "Sticking to It E: A writer is purposely stuck to his chair by his own wish.

*Flower3* Things I Liked:

*Bullet* What a great idea--a man literally stuck to his chair until he finishes his work--I love it! You really mean it when you say "sticking to it", now don't you? *Laugh* This is such a neat idea for a story.

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ Kevin Panter was sitting on his desk chair in front of his computer wishing he could finish his novel. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "computer".

[ "I wish I could'nt get out of this chair until I have finished this entire story", ]
         *Bullet* "could'nt" should be "couldn't".

[ So he had to hurry as usual like with most things in his life. ]
         *Bullet* I had to read this sentence a couple of times before I understood what you were trying to say. By rewording and switching around a couple of words, you can easily make your point clearer, so you may want to consdier doing that.

[ Next, the door to the study opened, Mark Tarsh entered; he was Kevin's friend. ]
         *Bullet* You either need to change the second comma to a semi-colon, start a new sentence, or insert the word "and" into the sentence.

*Reading* Overall Impression:

Like I said above, you already have a very creative plot line. Now you just need to expand on that idea! What you have so far is what I would consider more of a rough draft or outline than a finished story...

Your story is quite short. You may want to take your time elaborating some points and explaining the situation fully. Get inside the character's head. Tell the reader more about Kevin... What's his personality? What does he look like? His interests, hobbies, job, etc. Try to include lots of descriptive details and use a good vocabulary, as well.

This story has the potential to be quite humorous and entertaining with a bit of work and revising. Keep writing! *Delight*

*Star* My Rating:

2.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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15
15
Review of Silver Star  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Exclaim* Greetings Karen Bristow *Exclaim*

Review of "Silver Star E: Dodoitsu Style Poem about a silver star in the sky.


*Flower3* Things I Liked:

*Bullet* I loved the ending *Right* Back in the sky I place you//Where you're never far. *Left* A perfect finish to your great poem.

*Bullet* The poem is face paced and short, but you manage to make it very vivid and do a great job with imagery. Doing that in so few words is excellent, and I like your concise writing style.

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

First stanza, First line:
[ Silver Star you call to me, ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "Silver Star"

First stanza, Third line:
[ Mesmerised I come to you, ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "Mesmerised"

Third stanza, Third line:
[ Back in the sky I place you ]
         *Bullet* You may want to insert a comma at the end of this sentence (to keep the punctuation consistent with the rest of the poem).

*Reading* Overall Impression:

Overall, I loved this poem! It's simple yet beautifully written with no problems whatsoever with rhythm, rhyme, or meter. You really did a wonderful job.

Congratulations on getting published; keep writing! *Delight*

*Star* My Rating:

4.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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16
16
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Exclaim* Greetings avidwriter *Exclaim*

Review of "Mirror, Mirror On The Wall E: The background of the evil queen in the "Snow White" fairy tale

*Flower3* Things I Liked:

*Bullet* I always enjoy a good parody and your twisted fairy tale was no exception. It’s interesting to get to know why the queen is so evil; I’ve never considered it before. *Wink* Love the creativity!

[She is the queen of wickedness, who's hatred of Snow White brought doom on herself. Her own conceit brought death and destruction to her and her realm. She is known as the wicked queen in the "Snow White" Fairy Tale, hated by all children, young and old. ]
*Up* Great introduction... You hook the reader in right away. Nice job!

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ She is the queen of wickedness, who's hatred of Snow White brought doom on herself. ]
         *Bullet* “who’s hatred” should be “whose hatred”

[ The death of her pony and her father occurring within nearly four months, was more than she could tolerate. ]
         *Bullet* The comma in this sentence is not needed.

*Reading* Overall Impression:

You've set up a great story here and are off to a pretty good start, but it just leads no where. So now we know why the Queen is supposedly evil, but now what happens?

It may be just me, but I just don't think that her father and pony dying is a pliable reason for the Queen to turn so rotten and cruel. People's fathers and pets pass away all the time... You may want to consider adding something else in, a really big twist. Just an idea!

Overall, I like what you have so far and cannot wait to read more. Keep writing! *Delight*

*Star* My Rating:

3.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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17
17
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a great idea, Lexi*Exclaim* (Now I know where to go to find all the news on Convention 2004). If you need some extra help with judging, just let me know and I'd be glad to help.
Good luck with this contest--looks like you've got quite a few entries already. *Delight*
Take care,
Jamie
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18
18
Review of Signs  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading* Excellent poem, Gina... Very powerful. I agree with what you are saying. *Smile*

*Note1* The rhythm and meter are good, but there are a couple spots where the rhyme is not quite there. You may want to double check stanzas three and seven.

*Idea* One suggestion:
First stanza, third line *Right* "The governments in charge,"
*Up* An apostrophe is needed in "goverments" *Right* goverment's

*Star* Other than that, great job! Write on*Exclaim*

Take care,
Jamie

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19
19
Review of Sometimes  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to Writing.Com! Congratulations on posting your first item and becoming a registerd author. *Delight*

*Reading* This poem definitely made me smile. I have a thirteen year old sister and sometimes we don't get along that great. So, I liked this because I found myself relating to your situation.

*Note1* It seemed to me like you were holding back a bit in this poem. It's a bit simple, perhaps too simple. Try elaborating, adding on. What else does your sister do that doesn't make sense besides singing songs?

*Star* Overall, this is a good start. With a little work, your poem could be wonderful. Feel free to send me an eMail if you do some editing. *Smile*

Take care,
Jamie

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20
20
Review of Rant  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
"please give me a review; i want to know what you think!"

I think that you are a very brave person to post something like this... It's a very honest, powerful rant full of emotion and anger.

I liked this because I can relate. I've written things so similiar to this many times, but never had the guts to actually allow anyone else to read it. It's amazing to read your writing and think 'Wow, that sounds just like me.'--especially regarding the parts about being too sensitive and the open wound.

The only thing I didn't like about this was that it had some grammar and mechanical issues (you had some problems with capitalization, punctuation, and it's all written in one big paragraph). Like you said yourself, if you had cared about these issues while writing, then it wouldn't really be a rant, now would it--and I agree with that. While you're writing, I believe you should just let it all flow and get everything out, worry about the technical stuff later. But after you've finished writing, you may want to consider going back and editing a bit.

I usually feel better after ranting... It's good to get stuff off your chest, and writing always seems to do the trick for me; it's such a great therapy, an outlet for all my frustrations and confusion and problems.

Thank you for sharing, Aly. Keep writing! *Smile*

Take care,
Jamie

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21
21
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Exclaim* Greetings leajones-inkjunky *Exclaim*

Review of "1- My secret garden fairy

*Reading* Overall Impression:

This is a very sweet and delightful children's story... I think children would love it. *Smile*

The only thing you might want to work on a bit more is descriptive details. You describe the fairy as tiny and golden-winged but what else can you tell us about her? Does she have long hair? Is her skirt made from a tulip? (That's how I always envisioned fairies *Laugh*) How long as she been living in the garden without Tessie knowing?

This might make a nice little book... Perhaps Tessie and her fairy friend could have some adventures in the future. I'd be curious to see what happens next!

Keep writing. *Delight*

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ "Good morning little birds," Tessie called, as she ran down toward her garden skipping happily. ]
         *Bullet* The comma after “Tessie called” is not needed
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “Good morning”

[ Tessie rambled through her mothers kitchen drawer ]
         *Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in “mothers” *Right* mother’s

[ Tessie ran off to fetch her mothers clippers once again, soon returning full of excitement. ]
         *Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in “mothers” *Right* mother’s

[ "Well if you sing a lovely song I'm sure she'll come out to meet you," ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “Well”

[ "I know that one," Tessie declared clapping her hands joyfully. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “Tessie declared”

[ "Oh I'm sure that's not true," the little bird assured her. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “Oh”

[ "Yes you do," the little winged creature said. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “Yes”

[ and the morning dew holds them together so well," she answered showing Tessie a tiny fairy smile. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “she answered”

[ "But she was there mummy!" Tessie stated as she turned and began to follow. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “But she was there”

[ "I'm sure she was dear." ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “I’m sure she was”

[ Tessie knew then, that her secret had to be her's alone. ]
         *Bullet* The apostrophe is not needed in “hers”

[ Nobody could ever know, that she had her very own secret garden fairy. ]
         *Bullet* The comma is not needed

*Star* My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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22
22
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Exclaim* Greetings DesertRose *Exclaim*

Review of "Immortality Be Gone

*Reading* Overall Impression:

This is a good start! I really like the idea. You mention wanting to expand this into a novella... You've got an interesting and exciting plot, so I believe it could work.

You do a nice job with scenery and details--especially about the old woman/goddess, what she looks like, her transformation, where she lives, etc.

However, although you described the goddess well, I wish you would spend some more time on the three men. At first, it was very hard for me to keep track of who was who. I still don't really have a good feel for any of them. I do understand that the two brothers somehow have mindreading powers and that Mauric is supposed to protect the goddess, but how and why?

After reading this, I still have many questions... Do all humans have mindreading powers now? What planet does this take place on (if it's even a planet)? Who are the humans in war with? Why did the humans burn down the goddess' house? Answering these key questions might help make thing a bit clearer for the reader... But, perhaps you'll discuss them in future installments?

Overall, this is a great beginning. I'd like to see where you go with this! Keep writing. *Delight*

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

*Bullet* Repetitive words:
          Watch out for the words then and quickly. You use them both often in this story, perhaps a bit too much.

[ Two of them were tall and muscled, the other was not. ]
         *Bullet* Replace the comma with a semi-colon

[ She wouldn’t be to mad would she? ]
         *Bullet* “to” should be “too”
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “mad”

[ It was all a planted event in the smaller mans mind. ]
         *Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in “mans” *Right* man’s

[ “Did you get anything Javien?” ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “anything”

[ “Javien, we lie to him of course. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “we lie to him”

[ "I assume the others are blind to us Garyt?" ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “blind to us”

[ "Good" ]
         *Bullet* You’ve forgotten punctuation at the end of this sentence

[ “Can you read anything from her Garyt? ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “anything from her”

[ “Is that her Mauric?” Javien asked him. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “Is that her”

[ “Leave me in peace” ]
         *Bullet* You’ve forgotten punctuation at the end of this sentence

*Star* My Rating:

3.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*


Reviewed for:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#852166 by Not Available.
23
23
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Exclaim* Greetings peoplewatcher *Exclaim*

Review of "The Day His Hair Turned White

*Reading* Overall Impression:

Welcome to Writing.Com! Congratulations on posting your first item and becoming a registered author. *Smile*

This is an interesting story and a good start, but I think it could use a little work...

The one thing I did not understand was the ending. Why would the boy's hair turn white? *Confused*

Of course, the reader also is curious as to what the dead man was doing there, who he was, what happened to him, etc...

You mention in the brief description of this piece that this is a true story. Did it happen to you? How do you know about it?

What you have so far is a good draft; with some editing, I think it could be great. Keep writing! *Delight*

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ it would be best if he completed all his chores on Thursday night and bath before going to bed. ]
         *Bullet* "bath" should be "bathe"

[ he quietly dressed not wanting to not wake the rest of the household. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "he quietly dressed"

[ He would throw the paper as he passed the opening of the business hoping that by some small miracle... ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "opening of the business"

[ what would he say to the cop, hey, I just seen a dead body standing upright in that doorway back there. ]
         *Bullet* Surround the parts where he is speaking with "quotation marks"

[ Fortunately, the businesses were on Penn Street between second and fourth streets and he lived in the two-hundred block of Cherry Street which was a half block from Penn Street. ]
         *Bullet* This sentence is just a bit confusing and I had to read it a couple times before I could understand what you were trying to say. Consider rewording a bit to make it clearer.

[ Having tossed the last paper he headed home as fast as his legs could carry him. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "last paper"

[ He ran into the house and up the stairs trying to be quiet yet desparately wanting to get to a mirror ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "up the stairs"
         *Bullet* "desparately" should be "desperately"

[ Slipping into his parents bedroom quietly so as to not wake his father, ]
         *Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in "parents" *Right* parents'

[ His mother slipped out of bed and came onto the stair landing and asked, what is wrong? You look like you have seen a ghost! ]
         *Bullet* Surround the parts where the mother is speaking with "quotation marks"

[ Trying to compose himself, he said with a shaky voice, Mother, look at me and answer me truthfully, has my hair turned white? ]
         *Bullet* Surround the parts where the boy is speaking with "quotation marks"

*Star* My Rating:

3.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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24
Review of Elg'cahl Maelthra  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Exclaim* Greetings phoenix28*Exclaim*

Review of "Elg'cahl Maelthra

*Reading* Overall Impression:

Welcome to Writing.Com! Congratulations on posting your first item and entering it into a contest, too. You're off to a great start. *Smile*

This is a good start, but I feel as if it's just the beginning... It doesn't seem to be finished and after reading it, I am still left with a lot of unanswered questions.

I like the twisted ending but am just a bit confused... So this assasinator is a prince? Well, what is a prince doing running around and killing people? That's one key question you might want to answer.

Other things I wonder about are the time period and setting this story takes place in... You make references to buffaloes--Do dwarves really know what buffaloes are? Consider adding in details about the scenery and the characters themselves. You talk a little bit about what Elg'cahl looks like, but not much.

Overall, this is a nice beginning to what could be a very exciting fantasy story... Keep writing! *Delight*

Thank you for entering "Invalid Item Good luck in the contest!

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ “Help!” yelled the dwarven king as he chocked on the blood ]
         *Bullet* “chocked” should be “choked”

[ He could still remember the cries of the dwarven kings son as Elg’cahl ran out of the caves. ]
         *Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in “kings” *Right* king’s

[ On his side is a pouch containing poison darts, poison bolts, and shirukins. ]
         *Bullet* What is a “shirukin”?

[ Not like any animals but more like a small man. ]
         *Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in “animals” *Right* animal’s

[ A few moments’ later two dwarves came out from the trees around him. ]
         *Bullet* The apostrophe in “moments” is not needed

[ He started running faster hoping that he could outrun the storm. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “running faster”

[ During this time he ate his lunch and though about the upcoming job ]
         *Bullet* “though” should be “thought”

[ Standing very still Elg'cahl turned his head and looked where he just saw something move. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “standing very still”

[ “What do you want drow?” yelled one of the guards. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “What do you want”

[ “I’d shut up if I were you little man. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “if I were you”

[ They whispered into the angry dwarfs ear. ]
         *Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in “dwarfs” *Right* dwarf’s

[ The cave entrance was a lot larger tan it seemed from where he stood before. ]
         *Bullet* “tan” should be “than”

[ He saw no women or children only men. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “children”

[ “Its right in here.” ]
         *Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in “its” *Right* it’s

[ one was empty, the other help the biggest dwarf Elg'cahl had ever seen. ]
         *Bullet* “help” should be “held”

[ On his face grew a gray that went half way down his stomach. ]
         *Bullet* I believe you left out a word in “grew a gray [beard]”

[ “This is the assassin you requested master.” ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “requested”

[ “I am Elg'cahl Maelthra the drow assassin.” Said Elg'cahl. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “Elg’cahl Maelthra”

[ that is why I want you to assassinate the family who hired your.” ]
         *Bullet* “hired your” should be “hired you”

[ “Half now half later” Thor barked. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “Half now”

[ a few minutes later the small dwarf returned carrying the gems in a huge sack. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “the small dwarf returned”

[ Using the sack of gems as a pillow Elg'cahl slept like a baby ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “pillow”

[ Before he had a chance to move an arrow hit him in his left arm. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “chance to move”

[ Blood was pouring out of the wholes the arrows made. ]
         *Bullet* “wholes” should be “holes”

*Star* My Rating:

3.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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25
Review of The Book  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Exclaim* Greetings MC Cayman *Exclaim*

Review of "The Book

*Reading* Overall Impression:

Okay, you stumped me... In the brief description of this piece it asks Who really are Steve and Jack? Well, Steve is obviously some sort of werewolf, I think, and you mention that Jack is a soldier, but I'm still not seeing the connection. What line of work are they involved in? Why does Steve suddenly want to get out? How and why did Steve's family get killed? You need to drop some more hints, make these things clearer for those of us that slow to catch on! *Laugh*

However, I do understand what the black book is for and think it very clever--I loved the ending! Wonderful.

Overall, this is a good start to a story but I think it needs a little work. Consider going back, editing, and explaining those key questions I asked above. Keep writing! *Delight*

Thank you for entering "Invalid Item Good luck in the contest!

*Idea* Specific Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ “Don’t do this Stevie. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "Don't do this"

[ Reaching into his jacket he pulled a little black book out of his pocket ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "his jacket"

[ and I ain’t never goin to give it up,” ]
         *Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in "goin" *Right* goin'

[ “Look Stevie, you know I can’t let you leave with that book!” ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "Look"

[ “I know you J, the human life still has to mean something to you.” ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "I know you"

[ The baretta in his pocket and the $50,000 in cash at home said “yes”. ]
         *Bullet* What is a baretta? I tried looking it up but found nothing.

[ “This book is the only thing that can save us J. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "can save us"

[ Steve was standing upright before him now, the book in his left hand and a glock in his right. ]
         *Bullet* What is a glock? Again, I tried looking it up but found nothing.

[ He fired five shots at Jack, who still stood staring in disbelief like a man who had just seen a ghost for the first time in his life. ]
         *Bullet* Where did Steve get a gun? Jack threw the one he had into the reservoir. And if it was his own, then why did he not use it earlier?

[ “Tomorrow I’ll be coming for you Danny. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "coming for you"

*Star* My Rating:

3.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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