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26
26
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Exclaim*Greetings SusanM *Exclaim*

Review of "The Perils of Summer" 

*Reading*Overall Impression:

Welcome to Writing.Com, Sue... Hope you're enjoying your first day here! If you need anything for have any questions, feel free to send me an eMail. *Smile*

This was quite funny; the humor in this piece is great. Although I'm only 14, I can relate because we teenage girls are constantly obsessing about our weight and how we look *Bigsmile*

[ And in this hustle-bustle, too-much-to-do, never-enough-time, do-ten-things at-once, we’re-late-again world, that will have to be good enough. ]

*Up* I love your easy-going, poke-fun-at-yourself writing style. The descriptive details were excellent, as well. This was a well-written piece!

Although short, your editorial made me smile. Thanks for the chuckles... Keep writing! *Delight*

*Idea*Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ Tank tops, shorts and most devastating of all — bathing suit season — has arrived. ]
         *Bullet* “has arrived” should be “have arrived”

[ You see, I truly believed that New Years Eve pledge I made ]
         *Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in “New Years Eve” *Right* New Year’s Eve

[ Somehow Easter sunk up on me — it WAS early this year. ]
         *Bullet* Instead of “sunk up”, did you perhaps mean “snuck up”?

[ Once the baskets were empty there would still be plenty of time to get in shape. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “Once the baskets were empty”

[ I will not, under any circumstances go into a store. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “under any circumstances”

[ And, unlike my New Years promise, this time I AM resolved. ]
         *Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in “New Years Eve” *Right* New Year’s Eve

*Star*My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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27
27
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*Exclaim*Greetings knight life *Exclaim*

Review of "lady and the tiger contest entry" 

*Reading*Overall Impression:

I think what you have now is a good start--your story definitely has potential. *Smile*

In my opinion, the problem lies in the pace; it moves too quickly. If you considered adding in more details and information about the affair, the punishment, two doors, etc., then your story will be much improved.

I have some questions about the ending... I just didn't understand what lies on the side of the other door. Perhaps we aren't meant to know or maybe I missed a hidden meaning somewhere. You may want to consider clearing that up a bit.

But, overall, this is a nice beginning. With some work and editing, I believe your short story can be excellent. *Delight*

*Idea*Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ He could hear the crowd baying in the distance and as he listened Marcus remembered happier times when he was involved in campaigns for the king. ]
         *Bullet*Insert a comma after “as he listened”

[ Or perhaps it was the object of his affection; namely the kings daughter. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “namely”
         *Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in “kings daughter” *Right* king’s daughter

[ As he entered the arena Marcus looked at the crowd with a steely determination; ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “As he entered the arena”

[ As Marcus shifted his gaze he thought for a moment of that day some months before, when he had been summoned to court to explain how victory had been won. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “As Marcus shifted his gaze”

[ All the while the king spoke of how his enemies had been crushed and his kingdom advanced, Marcus looked in his minds eye seeing friends he once knew.... ]
         *Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in “minds eye” *Right* mind’s eye
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “mind’s eye”

[ During this day, Marcus, having heard the sound of laughter went to the royal garden where he saw the loveliest of Princesses…]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “having heard the sound of laughter”

[ As Marcus watched he felt the princess raise her right hand, as if to indicate her preferred choice of doors. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “As Marcus watched”

[ Marcus manoeuvred towards the two doors, he placed his hand on the left door. ]
         *Bullet* “manoeuvred” should be “maneuvered”
         *Bullet* Replace the comma with a semi-colon

[ As he did so with a roar the loveliest she tiger on two legs moved all over him ]
         *Bullet* There is a misplaced modifier in this sentence which makes it confusing… It sounds like he opened the door with a roar—but really it was the tiger that was roaring. You may want to consider rewording a bit to clear this up.

[ As the ceremony proceeded he glanced up at the princess who had a whistful look upon her beautiful features. ]
         *Bullet* “whistful” should be “wistful”
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after “As the ceremony proceeded”

*Star*My Rating:

3.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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28
28
Review of Jenny's story  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Exclaim*Greetings knight life *Exclaim*

Review of "Jenny's story" 

*Reading*Overall Impression:

I really liked this story, especially the warning and precaution it conveys. This sort of thing does happen often, and it's always sad to see a story like this on the news. I'm younger than Jenny but am always careful when talking to strangers online.

The descriptions, details, and dialogue were all wonderful. The only thing that bugged me a bit was the abrupt transition from Jenny making plans to meet Dave and then we're immediately at the courtroom. That's fine, but you might want to try and make the change a bit smoother.

Take a look at your last sentence:

         [ Why, He even said he’d send her the bus fare. ]

The reader can assume that they do go ahead and make plans, he molests and rapes her, and then ends up in court. But making things just a bit clearer and definite will help your story. You can do this by writing another sentence about how she made plans with David to meet at such-and-such place at so-and-so time. Then jump to the court scene.

At court, I like the way you've described the bankteller and then ended with:

         [ He looked away quickly, this unimposing little bank clerk who occasionally liked to be called David in certain circles. ]

Excellent! But, you never really come out and say that these are Jenny's parents. You may want to consider adding that in somewhere--it just makes everything fit together.

Overall, I liked your short story very much. Great job! *Delight*

*Idea*Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

Title *Right* Jennys story
         *Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in "Jennys" *Right* Jenny's
         *Bullet* Capitalize "story"

[ She looked across at dad, who was trying to do the thing that dads do from time to time, ]
         *Bullet* Capitalize "dad" because it is being used as a name, not a noun (if you had said "looked across at her dad", then it would not need to be capitalized)

[ Taking advantage of the situation Jenny called over quickly asking if she could use the net. ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "situation"
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "over"

[ "Oh dad its just that I have this paper to write for school and I need to research it.” ]
         *Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in "its" *Right* it's
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "dad"
         *Bullet* Capitalize "dad"

[ “Oh well” said her dad “ just make sure your not on there for hours.” ]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "Oh well"
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "said her dad"
         *Bullet* "your not" should be "you're not"

[ Jenny smiled. “Ah no dad it’ll be fine honest” ]
         *Bullet* Capitalize "dad"
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "Ah no"
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "dad"

[ She came across a chat room and was just going to close it down, almost hearing a parental note of disapproval, when suddenly she felt this one seem real neat. ]
         *Bullet* "this one seem" should be "this one seemed"

*Star*My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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29
29
Review of Oblivion  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Exclaim*Greetings Janlyn *Exclaim*

"Oblivion" 

*Reading*Overall Impression:

I absolutely love this poem... It's amazing how just forty-nine words can make such a profound impact. Your short poem has a strong message--Wonderful job!

I liked the similes--comparing the sun and rain to death and eternity. This poem somewhat reminds me of lyrics... In my opinion, it would make a pretty cool song. *Smile*

My only gripe was the length of the poem. If something this short could be so powerful, think what more could do! I look forward to reading more of your work--your words are absolutely beautiful.

*Idea*Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile* Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

Third Line:
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "like the sun"

First Line:
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "like the rain"

Other than those two little errors, your poem was great!

*Star*My Rating:

4.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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30
30
Review of The Fledgling  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Exclaim*Greetings CTalley *Exclaim*


*Reading*Overall Impression:

Aha! I wish I had read this before "Invalid Item" ... Some of those things I questioned about in my other review now have answers *Laugh*

I absolutely loved the wonderful vocabulary and descriptive detail you used in this story... For example:

[Copper watched as the sky took on its day colors, shifting from starry black to a dusty gold. From its golden hue, the sky then faded into a color she knew no name for: a dull blue tinged like an angry bruise.]

*Up* Excellet description and simile! Keep it up *Delight*

Overall, I really am liking this series about Copper... I don't often read fantasy, but this is well-written! Good job *Smile*

*Idea*Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile*

*Bullet* Fledgling?
         Although many of my questions have now been answered, I still wonder a bit about the fledgling thing that happened at the end... What exactly happened when she became fully fledged? Was that the melting into the sun thing she had been thinking about earlier? Or perhaps something totally different? I wish you had explained that part just a bit better and clearer... *Smile*

[Benge no doubt felt that yearning for home as well as he had smiled when she insisted they leave that night.]
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "Benge"
         *Bullet* Insert a comma afer "no doubt"
         *Bullet* Replace "as he had" with either "because he had" or "for he had"

[Sunlight played off her every hair, each curling thread shinning like a child’s smile.]
         *Bullet* "shinning" should be "shining"

[“Drink up, Beng,” he said extending his arm.]
         *Bullet* "Beng" should be "Benge"
         *Bullet* Insert a comma after "he said"

*Star*My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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31
31
Review of fire  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Exclaim*Greetings tomie *Exclaim*


*Reading*Overall Impression:

First of all, welcome to Writing.Com! For someone that just joined a couple days ago, you've already got a wonderful start on your port. *Smile*

This really, truly is chilling and horrifying--no doubt about that. I've got goosebumps after reading this (which means you've done a good job!) *Shock* The graphic descpription is effective and shocking. Very vivid and powerful... Well done!

Overall, very well-written. Keep writing!

(By the way, I read in your bio block that you are fourteen years old; I am too!)

*Idea*Suggestions:

*Note1* Here I have pointed out some errors I caught... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. *Smile*

I didn't catch any typos, spelling mistakes, or grammatical errors--good job! *Smile* But, I do have a few suggestions:

*Note1* Now, you've done an excellent job descibing what being on fire feel and looks like--but what about what the person is thinking? What's going on in their mind as they're been consumed by flames? Terror, obviously. It would be nice to have a couple lines that discuss this!

*Note1* Can you think of a better title than simply "fire"? Judging from the content of your writing, I'm sure you can! You want to grip your reader and make them want to read your poem just by looking at the title. Make it interesting *Smile*

*Note1* You may also want to consider changing the rating of this poem from E to ASR or higher... The description is pretty graphic. To get a better feeling and understand for Writing.Com's rating system, refer to *Right* "Content Rating System (CRS)"   by The StoryMistress

*Star*My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
*Heart*Jamie*Heart*

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32
32
Review of Helicopter Down  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Reading*Overall Impression:

What a beautiful, beautiful essay... So touching and heart-felt. It's written beautifully--and honestly. Your personal stories and descriptions are so very sad... I absolutely loved this piece of writing.

Overall, there were a couple grammatical errors (see below), but it was well-written... Nice job! *Smile*

I wish you best of look in "Invalid Item" *Exclaim*

*Idea*Suggestions:

[We respond to a Dad whose fallen off his roof while putting up Christmas decorations and we think, "We can save this guy," only to hear later from the ER Doctor he didn't make it through the night.]
*Bullet* "Dad" should not be capitalized (because it's being used as a noun, not a name)
*Bullet* "whose fallen off" should be "who's fallen off"

[People often ask how I can come to work, day after day and not kill myself over all the tragedies I see, and I try to explain to them about the one we did save.]
*Bullet* Shouldn't "one we did save" be "ones we did save"?

[The neighbor nextdoor who had a seizure and fell in front of a passing car but is now back home, enjoying his grandson.]
*Bullet* "nextdoor" should be either "next door" or "next-door"

[It's not all glamor and happy endings like Hollywood's ER, no.]
*Bullet* "glamor" should be "glamour"

[I've years of experience in the dispatching field but none with helicopters.]
*Bullet* I think you forgot a word *Right* "I've years" should be "I've had years"

[After all the studying, after all the testing and training I was finally going to take the reins and handle the radio traffic for our helos.]
*Bullet* Insert a comma after "after all the testing and training"

[I was responsible for the incoming calls and deciding which flight crew was best able to assist each call as it occured.]
*Bullet* "occured" should be "occurred"

[My partners and I looked at each other for a split second, then we each took seperate frequencies and attempted to contact our crew.]
*Bullet* "seperate" should be "separate"

[Documentation to be done, a dispatchers' number one Golden Rule: Write EVERYTHING down.]
*Bullet* The apostrophe in "dispathers' number one Golden Rule" should be before the "s" *Right* dispather's number one Golden Rule

[Not our pilot, an older southern gentleman who loved his horse, his kids, and his wife with an openess that was endearing...]
*Bullet* "openess" should be "openness"

[There was only the painfull silence in our ears of an open radio frequency, and a monitor reflecting a "pages failed" message in bright red against a glaring blue background.]
*Bullet* "painfull" should be "painful"

*Star*My Rating:

4.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
-Jamie-

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33
33
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Reading*Overall Impression:

I think I read somewhere in your portfolio (another poem) that you were a beginning poet or did not write poetry very often... Well, this is great! This is the kind of poetry I like to read--twisted and different.

The only problem I had was with rhyme... Some places you rhyme and others you do not. I think that poetry should be all or nothing--either you rhyme the whole way or forget it. It's just a bit unusual to have a poem that half-rhymes and half-doesn't.

Overall, I liked it! Good job.

*Idea*Suggestions:


Title: Mirror's of Our Reflection
*Bullet* The apostrophe in "Mirror's" is not needed

First Stanza:
*Bullet* In the last line, an apostrophe is needed in "moments" *Right* moment's

Second Stanza:
*Bullet* The first, third, and fourth lines rhyme (which is a bit unusual). Here is a way you can make the first and second lines rhyme--and leave the third and fourth lines as they are because they already rhyme (aabb rhyming pattern):

"Our eyes dance about the way
We travel as if in a trance"

*Up* See how "dance" and "trance" rhyme? Now if you just reword and tweak the first line a little bit, you'll have your rhyme... Like this:

"About the way, our eyes dance
We travel as if in a trance"

*Up* Now, I realize that this might mess some things up, but you can always change "About the way" to something else! You do not have to change anything--this is just a suggestion for you to consider *Smile*

Third Stanza:
*Bullet* No suggestions--I think this is my favorite stanza of the poem... Well done *Smile*

Fourth Stanza:
*Bullet* In the second line, an apostrophe is needed in "others"

Fifth Stanza:
*Bullet* Just be careful not to use the same word too many times because it can seem a bit repetitive... You have used the verb "think" twice in this stanza and once in the previous stanza too.

*Star*My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
-Jamie-

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34
34
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Reading*Overall Impression:

This is a wonderful little story! Really beautiful *Smile*

You begin with a great simile:

[The sky burst like the water balloons that we threw at each other during hot summer days.]

*Up* Excellent! Got me interested right off the bat.

I loved how you traveled through your life... As a little child, then a teenager, a woman, a mother, and now a grandmother. I nearly laughed out loud at this part:

[Neatly groomed hair became frizzy and uncontrollable, while make-up would melt and smear.]

*Up* I'm fourteen years old and the above sounds just like me! The humidity that comes with rain makes my hair stand on end *Laugh*

Overall, I really liked this story... It lacked just one thing--the description of the spring rains themselves! Were they gentle, soothing rains? Or were they harsh, relentless storms? You may want to add that description in somewhere!

*Idea*Suggestions:

[Spring rains have a unique fragrance all they’re very own.]
*Bullet* "they're" should be "their"

[Concerned parents would peer at me through the windows as I accepted the spring rains irresistible invitation to slip and slide on their neatly groomed lawn.]
*Bullet* An apostrophe is needed in "rains" *Right* rain's

[Lighting scrawling across the sky is certainly not the entertainment that I planned for my wedding guest.]
*Bullet* "Lighting" should be "Lightening"

[I am lucky and grateful that the spring rains return every year with annual invitations to lose myself in the soaked green carpet of spring, and the delightful laughter of my grandchild.]
*Bullet* The comma is not needed

*Star*My Rating:

4.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
-Jamie-

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35
35
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Reading*Overall Impression:

Interesting prompt! If I was given that prompt, I certainly never would have come up with this creative and imaginative story... Well done *Smile*

I have just one unanswered question to ask you... I know that the man could not remember what had caused the fight--that's fine. But I wonder how long ago did the gumbo soup incident happen? The man refers to his wife as "loving wife" and says that they used to be happy--but they evidently are no longer happy. And so I wonder how long ago did the gumbo soup incident happen? Basically: How long did it take these two happily wedded people to turn into bitter fighting spouses?

*Idea*Suggestions:

[She just stood there starring at me for a moment with a befuddled look on her face.]
*Bullet* "starring" should be "staring"

[Seems the rig’s Dynamic Positioning System was not acting right, and would not hold the coordinates against the wind and currents.]
*Bullet* I believe the comma is not needed

[Then put it in the microwave, and proceeded to fix me a big glass of ice tea while I waited on the gumbo to get hot in the microwave.]
*Bullet* The comma is not needed

[After I finished two big bowls and as many glasses of ice tea, I crawled into bed next to my loving wife.]
*Bullet* I think you might want to take out the word "as"

[She got a washcloth, soaked it in cold water, and the whole while she was holding my head and wiping my face she just kept saying repeatedly how sorry she was.]
*Bullet* Insert a comma after "face"

[After about an hour of thinking I was dying while sprawled out on the cold ceramic tile bathroom floor, I overheard my wife on the phone to our family doctor.]
*Bullet* "on the phone to our family doctor" sounds funny to me... There are two ways you can edit this so it reads smoother: 1) "on the phone with our family doctor" or 2) "on the phone talking to our family doctor"

[“Yes Dr. Levine, I do think that it is probably food poisoning.”]
*Bullet* Insert a comma after "Yes"

[There would be a pause and she continued to just say “Yes, Doctor I can do that.”]
*Bullet* Insert a comma after "Doctor"

[“Well, are you going to explain just what you mean by what you said.”?]
*Bullet* A bit of a punctuation problem here... The question mark should be where the period is (and nothing should be where the question mark is)

[“No, dear I am not going to explain it to you, and I shouldn’t have too either. Your not an idiot.”]
*Bullet* Should "dear" be capitalized because it's being used as a name? I think so but am not sure...
*Bullet* Insert a comma after "dear"
*Bullet* "too either" should be "to either"
*Bullet* "Your" should be "You're"

[“Your never going to forgive me, are you?]
*Bullet* "Your" should be "You're"

[I figured she was going to her mothers again.]
*Bullet* Insert an apostrophe in "mothers" *Right* mother's

[I walked into the living room, sat on the sofa, and starred at the television.]
*Bullet* "starred" should be "stared"

*Star*My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
-Jamie-

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36
36
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Reading*Overall Impression:

Don't be hesitant, this is a great children's story! You did a nice job on your first one--very easy and simple for a child to understand. It's cute that your granddaughter helped you write it *Wink* If she enjoys it, then other children will too!

There was only one thing that bothered me just a bit... The ending:

[Lilly suggested that we could start teaching Big Ben to take out the trash. Surely mother would like that since nobody ever wants to take out the trash.]

It seemed a little bit abrupt. Maybe you could write one more paragraph about how Big Ben is such a wonderful "garbage dog" now or something--Make sure your story has a strong ending!

Overall, nicely done. Pretty adorable... I loved the name "Big Ben"!

*Idea*Suggestions:

[Big Ben sat quietly watching me and my brother, Billy, throwing the frisbee to each other for a long time.]
*Up*
You began the story in present tense... But starting with the second paragraph, the rest of the story is in past tense. You may want to change the first paragraph so it is in the same tense as the rest of the story.
*Down*
[The next day when we went back to the park, and Big Ben tagged along again.]
*Bullet* The word "when" should not be in the sentence

[He weighted almost a 100 pounds.]
*Bullet* "weighted" should be "weighed"

[We thought he was the biggest [b}dog on earth.]
*Bullet* You accidentally messed up the WritingML tag here *Smile*

[After many more visits to the park over the next few weeks my brother and I stopped throwing the frisbee to each other.]
*Bullet* Insert a comma after "few weeks"

[Lilly got in a lot of trouble for tearing the pictures of flowers out of mother's book.]
*Bullet* "mother's" should be capitalized. This error occurs frequently throughout the story but I will not point it out each time for sake of the length of the review *Wink*

Here is how you know whether or not to capitalize:

*Note1* "Lilly got in a lot of trouble for tearing the pictures of flowers out of mother's book."
*Up* "mother" needs to be capitalized in this sentence because you are using it as a name, not a noun.

*Note1* "Lilly got in a lot of trouble for tearing the pictures of flowers out of my mother's book."
*Up* However, in this case you have written "my mother" so "mother" does NOT need to be capitalized because you are using it as a noun, not a name.

Hope that helps! *Smile*

[Well Big Ben learned to dig holes in the ground by watching Lilly plant flowers.]
*Bullet* Insert a comma after "Well"

[After mother went back in the house Big Ben finally got up and went inside of his big dog house that daddy had built for him when he was still a puppy.]
*Bullet* Insert a comma after "went back in the house"
*Bullet* "daddy" needs to be capitalized

*Note1* The same rule applies to "daddy" as it does to "mother"... If you say "the daddy" or "my daddy" it does not need to be capitalized. But if you use it as a name, then capitalize it *Smile*

["Daddy is mama really mad?" Billy asked.]
*Bullet* Insert a comma after "Daddy"
*Bullet* Capitalize "mama"

["What are you kids up to now." He yelled from an upstairs bedroom window.]
*Up*
You may want to replace the periods with question marks in these sentences.
*Down*
["What on earth are all of you thinking." Daddy yelled back.]

*Star*My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
-Jamie-

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37
37
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*

Thank you for entering my contest *Right* "Anything Goes!" *Exclaim* I greatly appreciate your entry.

You have used all twenty prompt words in your writing so 1000 GPs will be enclosed with this review. (Please, if I forget to award you your gift points, let me know!)

*Reading*Overall Impression:

A pretty good short story... It moves very quickly, maybe a bit fast--but packed with lots of adventure! *Smile*

There are some excellent spots in this story where you have wonderful descriptive images and details--very good writing!

*Idea*Suggestions and Comments:

[Joch Traspt was a pirate of disreputable reputation. Every royal navy traveling the seven seas wanted to throw him in jail or see him dangling from a hangman’s noose.]
*Bullet* A great way to begin the story... got me hooked right away *Smile*

[There will be no drinking or corrousing this time around.]
*Bullet* "corrousing" should be "carousing"

[Hanging over a violin, it read; Use in case of croc. Music soothes the savage beast.]
*Bullet* Nothing wrong with this sentence, just wanted to comment that someone else also had the violin soothe the crocodile--pretty funny how people think alike sometimes! *Smile* Nice job.

["But wait, do you happen to know what flying saucer is?"]
*Bullet* Insert the word "a" after "to know what"

[He was so stumped by the question, a broomstick could have been dancing in poka-dotted underwear and he still wouldn’t have seen it.]
*Bullet* "poka-dotted" should be "polka-dotted"

*Star*My Rating:

3.5 stars
Once again, thank you for your entry. Winners will be posted shortly... Write on!

Have a great day,
*Heart*Jamie

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Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Reading*Overall Impression:

I found this article to be very helpful... it highlighted all of the things I try to do while reviewing, and I agree with everything you have said *Smile* Emoticons and WritingML really can go a long way, and I think that a good, organized reviewing format is helpful, too (for detailed reviews, that is). I think that it's also very important to point out the good in an item and what the author did well--along with any things that could use some work and improvement.

Overall, great job! This was easy to read and understand--and very helpful and informative.

*Star*My Rating:

5.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
-Jamie-

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Review of Follow that Fish  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*

This is... is... intriquing!

*Up* Kinda hard to find words for it *Wink*

I love abstract poetry--this was great. I had to re-read a couple times to fully understand what you were saying; each time I looked, I grasped a little bit more.

I like this metaphor--how you used a fish to resemble in-a-way the end of a relationship. It reminds me of that old saying *Right* "There are plenty of fish in the sea" *Left* Have you ever heard that?

As for rhythm and meter... it's constantly changing... unpredictable. I think it works well in this poem though. It kind of goes along with the very first line *Right* "I sway" *Left* but it also reminds me of a little fish darting, swimming quickly in circles.

Couple things I wanted to point out: *Down*

*Bullet* In the fifth line, cemetary should be cemetery

*Bullet* In the twelfth line, should desert be dessert? Kind of hard to tell what you are talking about right there--you may just want to double check *Smile*

Overall, I enjoyed your poem... It's beautifully written! *Reading*

*Star*My Rating:

4.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
-Jamie-

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Review of The Ride Home  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Note1*Overall Impression:

What a sweet, delightful short story! I enjoyed it a lot *Delight*

*Note1*Suggestions:

[He assumed that Stacey’s measurement of his wealth had been influenced by the fact that his wife and he lived in a two-story house twice the size of the one in which she lived.]
This seems to read a bit unusually to me… consider rewording his wife and he to he and his wife
(that is how you would normally say it when talking)

["You’re going to spoil that child" Ben’s wife was consistently affirming.]
I’m not sure if punctuation is needed for the quotes here because it’s a phrase, but you may want to take another look and check *Smile*

[All that Ben was able to do was to put away a years’ salary in stocks.]
The apostrophe needed years’ should be before the s *Right* year’s

["Yes Darlin’, Grandpa is very very rich."]
A comma is needed after the first very

*Note1*Things I Liked:

Wonderful details and descriptions and very believable dialouge. Just too cute!

The Tarzan CD and Runts details were wonderful... I always think it's those little descriptions that make the story so much more interesting. They can be very revealing of the characters (more so than just flat-out writing something).

The ending was lovely... very appropriate and adorable!

*Note1*My Rating:
4.5 stars
Great job... Write on!

Have a won-da-ful day,
-Jamie-

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Review of geckos  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Note1*Overall Impression:

Welcome to Writing.Com *Smile* If you need help with anything, feel free to ask me!

This story has potential! However, there are many grammar mistakes and the plot is a bit confusing...

*Note1*Suggestions:

Some questions I have about your story and plot:

*Bullet*Who are you?
*Bullet*What is your name?
*Bullet*How old are you?
*Bullet*What is your name?
*Bullet*What do you look like?
*Bullet*What's your personality like?
*Bullet*Who is Lu?
*Bullet*WHAT was Mr. Cartright's essay about?
*Bullet*What is a flag waver?
*Bullet*What did the gecko tattoo have to do with the flag waver?

*Up*Just some details and descriptions you may want to add in! Those kinds of things always help make a story more interesting.


In the title—gecco should be gecko

[Picking up an arm load, of wood I walked back to the truck.]
*Up*Added in comma in red*Up*

[Throwing them in, I began to think about my week.]
*Up*Added in comma in red*Up*

[I looked in, it was about three quarters full.]
Replace comma with semi colon

[I began to compare everything I knew about Vietnam to what I could gather from Mr. Cartrights’ short but unnusual speech concerning flagwavers.]
The apostrophe in Cartrights’ should be before the s *Right* Cartright’s
unnusual should be unusual
flagwavers should be flag wavers or flag-wavers

[Proud to be a Veteran and American, yes, but also proud to be a christian and proud to be alive..]
christian should be capitalized

[My father also has a tattoo on his bicep of a gecco, and it’s been there as long as I can remember.]
gecco should be gecko

[I once asked him what it was, but he receeded into himself so much that I dare not ask again.]
receeded should be receded

[Having completed another three trips back and forth from the truck to the large wood pile I heard dad say the truck was full.]

[Hearing this, I tore off my gloves and let my hands breathe in the fresh air.]
*Up*Added in comma in red*Up*

[Stuffing the leather gloves behind the truck seat, I swung up into the cab and rested my feet on the dash board.]
*Up*Added in comma in red*Up*

[Dad took the drivers’ seat, and Lu took the passenger seat next to the door. ]
*Up*Added in comma in red*Up*

[Squashed between them, I easily breathed in the rank smell of hot, sweaty bodies. ]
*Up*Added in comma in red*Up*

[Again I began to attenpt to decipher what Mr. Cartright had said.]
attenpt should be attempt

[Backing up the truck to the wood bin to unload, he looked at me and Lu. ]
*Up*Added in comma in red*Up*

[Jumping down from the empty bed of the truck, I slid into the drivers’ compartment and grinned at Lu. ]
*Up*Added in comma in red*Up*

[He nodded and went inside to let me repark the truck. ]
repark should be re-park

[Setting the book down on the bed covers, I noticed how thirsty I was.]
*Up*Added in comma in red*Up*

[No one seems to be awake any more although I can hear my father mumbling, alseep, in his chair as he often does in the living room.]
alseep should be asleep

[Slipping onto the hardwood floor, I padded my way across the kitchen. ]
*Up*Added in comma in red*Up*

[For some reason or other I knew that’s what the gecco tattoo was about, that whatever mission he was mumbling about was the mission on which he had received the tattoo. ]
gecco should be gecko

[I reached down a glass from the cupboard and quitely ran some water into it from the faucet, down the side so it wouldn’t make any noise. ]
quitely should be quietly

[Scrambling up from my normal spot, I walked over to Mr. Cartrights’ door. Hesitating to enter, I squashed myself against the wall. ]
The apostrophe in Cartrights’ should be before the s *Right* Cartright’s

[Walking towards my locker, I tried to understand why I needed to talk to Mr. Cartright in the first place. ]
*Up*Added in comma in red*Up*

[Mr Cartright is still correcting papers, and I still need to talk to him, even though I still don’t know why I still need to talk to him. And to top it off when that’s all said and done, I still don’t know if I want to know what he will have to say. ]
You’ve used the word still five times in two sentences. A bit repetitive! Consider deleting some of those “still”s

[Mr. Cartwright looked at me curiously- and saw an opportunity to tease me. ]
His names was Mr. Cartright before… no w! *Wink*

[Something that no matter what any one did- or said- wasn’t going to be forstalled. ]
forstalled should be forestalled

[Mr. Cartrights’ eyes caught mine, attempting to discern how much meaning there is behind the words that had leaped out of my mouth. ]
The apostrophe in Cartrights’ should be before the s *Right* Cartright’s

[As for the remainder of that lunch, I did nothing escept sit in the heavy rain and think.]
escept should be except


*Note1*Things I Liked:

This is a nice start... it just needs some work, and then it can be great! *Smile* I can see your talent in this story, and it's there. You have a pretty good vocabulary, details, and descriptions--there are just a couple things you need to work out. Keep writing! *Reading*

*Note1*My Rating:
3 stars
*Star*Write on!*Star*

Have a won-da-ful day,
-Jamie-

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Review of Child's Lament  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Reading* This is a great poem with a wonderul meaning and purpose! I liked it.

*Note1* I also really like your writing style... it's very flowing and beautiful.

*Idea* In the second and third stanzas, the word "so" is used repeatedly... but perhaps you did that because that is how a young child might speak*Question*

*Note1* I particulary liked:

[I am your little flower,
Unopened, a bud as yet,
Help me bloom to glory,
Or else I shan't properly grow.]

And also the stanza after that with the metaphors *Smile*

*Star* My Rating: 4.5 stars

Write on!

Have a wonderful day,
-Jamie
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Review of Weaverbirds  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Note1*Overall Impression:

A great essay! I think I heard about weaver birds once... on a nature show, maybe? Now I feel very knowledgable on the subject *Bigsmile* Good job!

*Note1*Suggestions:

You have lots of facts, and you present them very well. But what about opinions? What prompted you to pick weaver birds? Maybe you own one? Or maybe you saw one in a tropical forest on a vacation? Do you think they are beautiful birds? Do you think they are intelligent? If so, say so! Articles are allowed to have a few opinions, they have to be 100% facts *Smile*

*Note1*Things I Liked:

What didn't I like?

Great information and details! Lots of research!

I'm happy that you listed the resources (I didn't even have to say anything! lol)

And those photos are beautiful! They really let the reader see what a weaver bird is. I'm sure if I hadn't seen those photos I'd have some weird image in my mind of a weaver bird...

*Note1*My Rating:
5 stars
Write on!
Have a won-da-ful day,
-Jamie-

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Review of I love you too  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Note1*Overall Impression:

Another emotional poem... I liked this one *Smile*

*Note1*Suggestions:

[I tried to say everything’s alright]
Instead of "say" I think it works better if you write "tell myself" so it is:
[I tried to tell myself everything's alright]
Just an idea! *Idea*

[There's only one thing I have to say
So please listen carefully.]
These are the only lines in the poem that do not rhyme... maybe you could reword a bit so it rhymes this way:
[There's only one thing I have to say
So please listen carefully today.]

[Don’t be sad, please don’t cry]
In my opinion, this line kind of contradicts the rest of the poem... it's his fault you're leaving... and since his "blonde's much more fun" he shouldn't be that unhappy... maybe it could be:
[I won't be sad, and I won't cry"


*Note1*Things I Liked:

You say you are just starting out on poetry, but I would never have thought so! And I can't believe you're only thirteen either... you are doing a wonderful job so far--and your poetry is great.

This one has good rhythm, flow, and rhyme (except for that one spot)--good job!

*Note1*My Rating:
4 stars
Write on!

Have a won-da-ful day,
-Jamie-

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Review of Let me be  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Note1*Overall Impression:

This is a sad poem... very emotional. You let your feelings flow freely--which makes the poem even better.

*Note1*Suggestions:

[I am not your parcel
To chuck about]

I love those first two lines... great way to start the poem, a nice strong beginning *Smile* How about adding in the word "carelessly" to help improve the rhythm and detail? This is just an idea *Idea*:
[I am not your parcel
To carelessly chuck about]

[Don’t remember us in Scotland
I don’t want to know]
You may want to consider adding in the word "even" It makes the meaning stronger and helps improve the rhythm...
[I don't even want to know]
Again, just an idea! You don't have to take my suggestion..

[Its been a long long time]
apostrophe needed in "Its" *Right* "It's"
insert a comma between the two "long"s

*Note1*Things I Liked:

A very strong poem... you make your point loud and clear!

Good rhyme too... except for one place, the first stanza:

[I am not your parcel
To chuck about
You don’t realize
Just how much I’m hurt]

"hurt" and "about" do not rhyme... maybe you could try www.rhymezone.com to find a better rhyme... it may take a bit of rewording though!

*Note1*My Rating:
4 stars
Write on!

Have a won-da-ful day,
-Jamie-

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Review of Where did you go  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Note1*Overall Impression:

I cleared my old rating because the two new stanzas definitely improve this poem *Smile* Good job!

*Note1*Suggestions:

[But its not just me who wants you home david]
apostrophe needed in "its" *Right* "it's"
comma needed after "home"
capitalize "david"

[Sometimes she asks me ‘Why did dad leave’]
insert question mark after "leave"

[I’m informed have enough]
insert the word "you" between "informed" and "have" so it is [I'm informed you have enough]

[Its not like I want it
To by myself a new pair of shoes]
apostrophe needed in "its" *Right* "it's"
It seem to read a little funny to me; consider rewording:
[It's not like I want it so
I can buy myself a new pair of shoes]

[You know fine well its for Sarah]
apostrophe need in "its" *Right* "it's"
You may want to consider taking out the word "fine" and replacing it with the word "very" so it reads:
[You know very well it's for Sarah]
(that's the way most people talk...)

[I can’ keep lying]
((typo)) "can'" should be "can't"

*Note1*Things I Liked:

I never would have guessed you were only thirteen, Jennifer! (I'm only one year older than you)

You get into the character's mind so well, and your descriptions are great! Like I've said before, this is a wonderful poem... and unfortunately this sort of thing happens to many people *Frown*

*Note1*My Rating:
4.5 stars
Write on!

Have a won-da-ful day,
-Jamie-

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Review of Where did you go  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Note1*Overall Impression:

Hello again Jennifer!

This is a nice poem--but sad. I liked it *Smile* Good job trying to convince the father to come home by explaining the many problems the daughter was having.

But what about the mother? You write about the daughter's difficulties, but surely the mother has problems as well... Some ideas:

*Idea*Money problems
*Idea*Loneliness
*Idea*Having to work a lot to provide for Sarah

You can probably think of some more... Maybe you could add a stanza about why the mother wants David to come back, too!

*Note1*Suggestions:

[Daddy’s getting home for Christmas eve]
Instead of "getting home" why not try "coming home"?
"eve" should be capitalized

[Thing just don’t seem right]
"Thing" should be plural *Right* "Things"

[I think its her way of telling us]
apostrophe needed in "its" *Right* "it's"

[And i'll ask it once more]
capitalize "i'll"

[David please come home tonight]
comma needed after "David"

[Sarah’s not seen you since she was four]
Seems to read funny (to me) ... consider revising so it's:
[Sarah has not seen you since she was four]
Just an idea *Idea*

[I cant keep lying]
apostrophe needed in "cant" *Right* "can't"

[Saying your dead,]
"your" should be "you're"

[She’s way to smart]
"to" should be "too"

[She knows dad left us]
You may want to consider changing "dad" to "you" because the mother is speaking directly to the father...
If you decide to keep it the way it is, make sure you capitalize "dad"

[She thinks you have no heart]
The past four lines have begun with "she" ... maybe you could make the last line a bit different... take out "she" and replace it with "and" so it is:
[And thinks you have no heart]

*Note1*Things I Liked:

You express the desperate mother's feelings and emotions well... I pitied her.

I also loved the ending--it's great!

*Note1*My Rating:
3.5 stars
Write On! You're doing great.

Have a won-da-ful day,
-Jamie-

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Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Note1*Overall Impression:

I cleared my old rating, so I could re-rate your poem because there is a definite improvement!! *Smile* I'm so glad you took my suggestion!

This is a short but sweet poem, good way to show your gratitude.

*Note1*Suggestions:

Not much to critique now!

Just one suggestion:

[I just need to say two words
Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou]

"Thankyou" is two separate words *Right* "Thank you"

And perhaps you add an exclaimation mark after each "Thank you" for emphasis...

[Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!]

Just an idea *Idea*

*Note1*Things I Liked:

I loved all the words you came up with to replace the old "he helped me" -- protected, cared for, reasurred, etc... wonderful! *Smile*

*Note1*My Rating:
4.5 stars
Write on!

Have a won-da-ful day,
-Jamie-

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Review of Mi Sueno  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Note1*Overall Impression:

What a lovely tribute to your son… very beautiful!

Doesn’t “Mi Sueno” mean “My Dream”? Correct me if I’m wrong (which is very likely!) *Laugh*

*Note1*Suggestions:


[Pondering Fate's collussion with Destiny.]
”collusion” should be “collusion”

[For witness must i be to Moirai's masterpiece;]
capitalize the “i”

[As thy frail lungs exhuast their innaugural breath;]
”exhuast” should be “exhaust”
“innaugural” should be “inaugural”

[Ethereal babe, from Gods celestial hall,]
apostrophe needed in “Gods” *Right* “God’s”

[Thou art an angels kiss upon my heart bestowed]
apostrophe needed in “angels” *Right* “angel’s”

*Exclaim*Next time... use spellcheck! It'll save you a lot of work later.

*Note1*Things I Liked:

Wonderful vocabulary. Your poem flows very well—it’s just beautiful *Smile*

*Note1*My Rating:

4 stars
Nice write! Keep up the good work!

Have a won-da-ful day,
-Jamie-

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Review of Clueless  
Review by Pretty in Black
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Snow2*Greetings!*Snow2*


*Note1*Overall Impression:

A nice beginning--but unfinished! *Cry*

You've done a great job so far though... *Smile*

I particularly liked your story because I can relate to it (as many teenagers could).

*Note1*Suggestions:

["If she was like, wearing that skirt any higher, she`d need a bikini wax,"]
apostrophe is kind of messed up in the word “she’d”

[Around them plaid skirted girls in scuffed leather loafers and black tights picked delicately at their salads while crisp looking boys in adorably preppy,red ties and khakis hurried to scarf down enough food to get them through their afternoon classes.]
no comma necessary in “preppy red ties”

["Aww," he replied. "That girl does love music, it's so hot."]
replace comma with semi-colon


*Note1*Things I Liked:

Great details, descriptions, and vocabulary...!

I also liked the ending... you leave the reader curious and wondering what will happen next. Good job.

*Note1*My Rating:

4.5 stars
I'm interested--I want to see where this story goes!

Have a won-da-ful day,
-Jamie-

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