Aww, what a wonderful memory to have! Very nice short story... I always love reading personal experiences; they're interesting!
Suggestions:
[When he finally, and I do mean FINALLY, came downstairs my Mother would hand out the presents, one by one.]
"Mother" should not be capitalized
[I know from talking to my Aunts and Uncles and my Dad that they didn't have it very easy when they were growing up]
"Aunts" should not be capitalized
"Uncles" should not be capitalized
"Dad" should not be capitalized
In both cases, you had pronouns that were not meant to be capitalized...
Example:
I bought Mother and Auntie great presents!
In this sentence, "Mother" and "Auntie" should be capitalized because they are being used as names in that particular sentence.
Example:
I bought my mother and my auntie great presents!
In this sentence, "mother" and "auntie" should not be capitalized because they are being used as nouns...
I hope that helps!
Things I Liked:
The descriptions were great... I enjoyed your short little story! And the ending really made me smile.
My Rating:
4 stars
Nice write!
Have a won-da-ful day,
-Jamie-
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[This review was written 12/21 but because of the email delay you most likely did not receive it so I am resending it]
Aww, what a wonderful memory to have! Very nice short story... I always love reading personal experiences; they're interesting!
Suggestions:
[When he finally, and I do mean FINALLY, came downstairs my Mother would hand out the presents, one by one.]
"Mother" should not be capitalized
[I know from talking to my Aunts and Uncles and my Dad that they didn't have it very easy when they were growing up]
"Aunts" should not be capitalized
"Uncles" should not be capitalized
"Dad" should not be capitalized
In both cases, you had pronouns that were not meant to be capitalized...
Example:
I bought Mother and Auntie great presents!
In this sentence, "Mother" and "Auntie" should be capitalized because they are being used as names in that particular sentence.
Example:
I bought my mother and my auntie great presents!
In this sentence, "mother" and "auntie" should not be capitalized because they are being used as nouns...
I hope that helps!
Things I Liked:
The descriptions were great... I enjoyed your short little story! And the ending really made me smile.
After reading only the first stanza, I knew what this was about. I want to be a teacher when I grow up! it will be challenging... but fun (for the most part i hope!) that's why i liked this poem!
good job: great flow and rhythm.
have a great day!
-Jamie
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Good vocabulary, details, descriptions… very believable dialogue and an interesting plot, too. Not much to critique!
Couple errors:
[Jonathan Hawker spoke to no one in particular as he sped down the dark, rain-soaked highway -- his camera sat in the seat next to him.]
Seems to sound better (to me), if you write the camera sat “on the seat”, not “in the seat”… it’s not really a person, so I don’t know if it would really sit in the seat.
[Bursting into the publishers office one afternoon with long red hair hidden and held tightly in a ponytail behind his head, Jonathan begged for a job.]
apostrophe missing in “publishers”
[The immaculate lawn was laid out like carpet beneath towering pines who’s tops were abruptly swallowed-up by the darkness overhead.]
“who’s” should be “whose”
[A few days later, Jonathan Hawkin’s car was found by the local police at the front gate of the New Moon Cemetery.]
A name change in the middle of the story? LoL… “Hawkin’s” should be “Hawker’s”
Other than that, nice job!
[Not a place I’d ever want to work at, though.”]
It’s interesting how quickly Jonathan changes his mind about working at the cemetery… anything for fame, right?
I also liked the ending… kind of comical—I can just picture him interviewing each and every single person—but sad at the same time.
This was written for the Stake and Garlic contest, right? Good luck!
Times sure are different now... I love these kinds of stories, where I get to hear about other people's childhood memories And what nice ones you have!
Suggestions:
[Winter snows woudl come where my older brother and I would roll up our pants legs to our knees and go out to feed the animals while the cow who gave the milk would follow next.]
((typo))
[Having done our morning chores, we have breakfast put on our socks and shoes, going off to school afterward.]
"have" should be "had" (you're writing in past tense)
[At night time, the kerosene latern was used to do our homework by it.]
"latern" should be "lantern"
[At Christmas time, we had a small tree with popcorn garland, paper used as tinsel, not forgeting the candles that were prominent in the tree.]
"forgeting" should be "forgetting"
I especially love the ending--
[Most important of all, Remember,
Jesus is the reason for the season!]
So many people forget that Christmas is not all about presents, gifts, Santa, and reindeer... it's also about the birth of Jesus.
I'm very lucky and blessed to have both of my grandmothers alive and with me today... but both of my great-grandmothers have sadly passed away... but I still hold onto memories and I can feel happy knowing that they are watching at me.
Great job... I liked how you added the two together, instead of keeping them separate. The two pieces seem to compliment each other
The prose about the wolves could make a nice poem too... just separate the sentences into lines and stanzas...
The wolves howl at the moon
as the snow glistens on the
ground.
The moon shines while the wind whistles
through the trees and blows the snow
around.
Baby wolves smell the air
as they prance out of the
cave.
The mother gently nuzzles her pups
as little brother bites his sister's tail
and they play roughly in the snow.
The mother wolf watches over her cubs
as the father wolf searches for
food.
On father wolf's return, the family eat
till their heart's content then settle down for a long
nap.
On this night, life is good
for the wolves.
Hope you don't mind me playing around with your words... just something for you to consider!
At first, I didn't understand... how did he get so dirty? I'm a bit slow! But once I understood, I liked it. (To me) the mud symbolizes his dirty deed; he is unclean now, and now matter how hard he tries, he can't erase it.
Good imagery, descriptions, and details... I could picture everything in my mind.
Suggestions:
[He stood underneath it’s flow and the dirt began to turn to mud.]
"it's" should be "its"
comma needed to separate the 2 sentences
[Yes, actually her parents house.]
don't forget the apostrophe in "parent's"
[The noise of sinking ships, and washed out shanty towns.]
no comma needed
[Running into the little water which had not been sucked off the beach by the approaching monster he yelled and waved his arms.]
comma needed after "monster"
[The mud and blood washed in the blue ocean and then the wave hit him.]
comma needed to separate the 2 sentences
Great job incorporating all 20 words into your story! I loved the ending... wasn't expecting that!
I have only one suggestion:
["And son, when you finish all that, see if you can find someone who can sell us a circus."]
"son" should be capitalized (because you're using it as a name)
Thanks for entering my contest! Winners will be announced within a couple of days. Here are your 40 GPs.
A very unusual day indeed (though I suppose not for you)! Strange and funny story, I liked it Details were great! Loved how you wanted to "strangle yourself with your mouse cord" and the cousin had destroyed the roof by playing Frisbee... very creative!
Nice job, thanks for entering! Here are you 40 gift points. Winners will be announced within a couple of days!
Thanks a lot for this wonderful informative essay/article on depression. It has really helped me... for a while now I've been wondering if I might have the disease. But I thought that no I couldn't because one minute I'm really sad and the whole world seems to be falling down, and then a little bit later everything's fine and I love my life! Now I know that I might have Manic depression, thanks to you.
You really did a great job... covered everything: types of depression, cause, affects, solutions, etc... Hope you got an A+ in Biology!
Have a good day,
-Jamie
Beautiful poetry, great vocabulary! I always LOVE to see words I don't know Does seem a bit short, and I feel like something's missing, but I'm not quite sure. Well, great job. I enjoyed it!
Have a wonderful day,
-Jamie
And if you're interested in winning some GPs, please check out my first contest!
You bring up severeal good points, and where you live, this might all be true. But I live in southern Florida, and this seems a bit exaggerated (for here). A lot of the girls and a few guys wear Abercrombie, but not all. I'd say at least half of them (girls) own some Abercrombie clothes, but that's not all that they wear.
I agree about the ads. If you're advertising naked people, then why are you selling clothes? I haven't seen any sexy ads here, but I can believe it!
I think the wearing all black "punishment" is a bit extreme (though I wouldn't have a big problem with it, I like black!)... clothing is a way to express who you are. If you wear Pacific Sunwear clothes, you're supposedly a surfer. If you wear Hot Topic clothes, you're supposedly a goth or punk. If you wear American Eagle or Abercrombie clothes, you're supposedly a prep. Now that's a little upsetting. That the brand of clothes you wear identifies you. But I've never seen any money issues. If you don't wear Abercrombie (here in Florida), it means you just don't want to, or don't like the clothes, it's not your style. It's not because you can't afford it. (It is true that most of the popular crowd GIRLS [not guys] wear Abercrombie though).
Well, I agree with a lot of what you say, but disagree with some. I think it depends on where you are. In Florida, there aren't too many Abercrombie stores, but maybe where you are, there are a lot of stores.
Anyway, nice article, I enjoyed reading your opinions.
Have a great day,
-Jamie
Oh and if you're interested in winning some GPs, please take a look at my first contest!
Maybe you could have a contest once you get some more members... just an idea! And a group signature/image wouldn't hurt either. Then the group members could use the image in their signature and promote the group!
This is pretty creative... I wonder where you got the idea! Sometimes it does get a bit confusing because you refer to Simeon as "he" throughout the whole story. But other then that, I enjoyed this story!
Oh man, that's pretty bad... but very funny (it's only funny as long as it didn't happen to me). The 4th paragraph from the end is kind of broken up, you might want to fix that. Other then that, the story's great!
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Overall Impression:
I'm a bit slow! But once I understood, I liked it. (To me) the mud symbolizes his dirty deed; he is unclean now, and now matter how hard he tries, he can't erase it. 