"GET THE PICTURE?" 13+: 6 word-pictures introducing characters into a novel, separately. No dots to connect.
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First Impression :
A bunch of characters, a bit jumbled, the earlier ones are clearer than the later ones. If they're really separate and not connected - why does Dancer keep coming up in other descriptions? Also, in the last one, who is Marina? Seems to be the unnamed woman from the previous sketch. Physical descriptions are okay, but most of them lack the inner motivations, careers, and other life details that really pull a character into life.
Spelling and Grammar :
A Speilberg alien (Spielberg)
Additional Comments :
There are several ways to develop a character, one is to start by describing (or answering canned questions 1-what does this character do for a living? 2- favorite food, etc) and another is to write a short sketch with the character doing common activities. This might give you some ideas: "Invalid Item" .
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Storm Machine
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First Impression :
I think it'd be better with the illustrations - but i love the image of the mice on the ice in my head. I assume you're thinking of putting together something for helping kids to count?
Spelling and Grammar :
No issues.
Flow :
N/A
Additional Comments :
Little more clarification for what it's heading toward. The rhyming is nice.
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Storm Machine
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First Impression :
Halloween is the time of year for vampires. Lisa meets Kyle, and becomes immortal. She doesn't appear to be very happy about it, and eventually turns to her best friend for help - or is it to convert her?
Spelling and Grammar :
Mr. D carried (Should that be Mr. D.?)
Flow :
Logical progression.
Additional Comments :
I'm not sure about the ending. It's okay the way it hangs, but I think you can do better.
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First Impression :
This has a lot of good information about how to deal with the loss of a loved one. I read about your loss in bioblock. I have had some recently, and this would be helpful for family, friends, and even medical professionals.
Spelling and Grammar :
Basically, their life (agreement - their lives)
Flow :
This was presented in a logical order. Very clear to read.
Additional Comments :
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Storm Machine
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"The Eye" 18+: We all have a little devil inside just dying to get out.
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First Impression : Twisted tale of a man who is out to save the world. His adventure takes him from LA to Vegas while he confronts many horrors. For awhile, it almost seems like Darling Munroe is dreaming, but he is setting up for something darker. Images are described in vivid detail. The end wraps up the story - I didn't feel like there were any loose ends. Well done-in a dark way.
Spelling and Grammar :
the accelerator forcing his rifle (accelerator,)
At this stage of his of his life, (delete one 'of his')
He was twenty-five, had (twenty-five, and had)
crowded bar, grumbling, and fumbling (grumbling)
the eye of God (all other instances are capitalized)
back of Munroe’s neck, made his bowels (neck and)
the bar it (bar,)
Reluctant to look away, Munroe locked eyes with the approaching girl, discovered that during his struggle with the floor mat, she had taken another step toward him and blocked his only exit from behind the bar. (Consider two sentences- one ending at girl and the other rephrased.)
His eyes bulged, his mouth gaped, his lips trembled in utter astonishment. (use semicolons or an 'and' to separate)
Flow :
This piece moves smoothly.
Additional Comments :
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Impressions : I think you portrayed nature very well here. You chose your words well; they all have an impact and move the reader toward the end. I like this poem because of its simplicity. Most of the words show nature at its most momentous occasions.
Additional Comments :
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Storm Machine
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"Bubba" 13+: The life of a dogpound dog after he joins a family.
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First Impression :
A tale of a dog's life with a beloved family. He was rescued (used) but still led a full life (15 yrs or so).
Spelling and Grammar :
Looks good!
Flow :
It moves well and is easy to follow - but I would have enjoyed it more if I was looking closer through someone's eyes. I feel a little distant from the story.
Additional Comments :
He would sit back on his rear end, hind legs quivering off the ground and shiver until someone took pity on him and returned him to his natural state.
(If he's sitting on his rear - how do his hind legs get in the air?)
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Wow! This is a great forum - a place for serious questions and funny questions alike. You can tell it's an instant success when you get such a huge response. You're doing very well to answer every question, no matter how serious or silly. Thanks for putting your stamp around here, Amy! Good job.
"seven minutes to myself" 13+: it needs some lengthening but I think it turned out pretty good for off the top of my head
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First Impression :
A cute look at young love through the games they play.
Spelling and Grammar :
“Come on Billy.” They urged, or worse “What are you, scared?” ("Come on, Billy," they urged, or worse, "What are you, scared?")
I could here his breathing next to me like a constant reminder of my pushy friends and inability to do anything for seven minutes except talk or be excessively nervous, these few minutes happened to be the latter. (hear, not here. make the last part starting at 'these few minutes' into a different sentence)
“Well first…” (Well,)
forcibly-freshened-by-friends breathe down on him.(love the image of forcibly freshened breath, not breathe)
Quietly, like I do when I’m thinking (missing period)
“I noticed” he said (noticed,)
Flow :
This moves well.
Additional Comments :
I liked how well you described a lot of the actions and body language in here.
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First Impression :
Lonely impression of a dragon, alone in the only area she knows after so much time. The first paragraph stands out, since you speak of someone's view besides your dragon's, and you speak of people hearing the cries as something different, then shift abruptly to the dragons - and refer to people thereafter as 'tall-walkers.' 'Tall-walkers also makes me think the dragon is smaller than they are standing. Wasn't sure if this was intentional or not.
Spelling and Grammar :
Being very old they enjoyed (comma after old)
floating on giants wooden leaves. (giants wooden leaves? do you mean giant or giant's or giants'?)
They hunted the fish of the Loche, they hunted the dragons. (semicolon instead of colon)
Eventually they were for the most part left alone. (comma after were and part)
If a tall-walker did happen to see them they would point and jabber incoherently. (comma afer them)
As time passed her mother and father grew old and feeble.
Flow :
Moves okay through the narration except for the part in the first paragraph i mentioned earlier.
Additional Comments :
Kreylure thought it was a shame that the tall-walkers didn't make more sense. They may have become friends. (these statements are inconsistent with the fear Kreylure learned from her parents.)
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First Impression :
I can feel Lynn's heartbreak. Her turmoil comes through very well.
Spelling and Grammar :
Then suddenly, she just let go. (I think you're supposed to set off suddenly on both sides with commas)
Sitting down minutes later with a fresh cup of coffee in her hand overlooking the city streets she spotted a young couple holding hands. (comma after streets)
Brenda was away on business usually, his daughter at his parent's, and he didn’t seem to care. (is it just one parent, or at his parents'?)
The words 'I love you' had almost slipped from her lips too many times, she feared the rejection. (semicolon for the two clauses)
When it didn’t work, he put his hands up and Lynn grabbed them with hers and pinned them above his head before leaning over and capturing his lips with her’s. (hers)
“I don’t know...” Lynn said (this should be the start of a new paragraph.)
Jason stepped closer to her, (period instead of comma)
Lynn rolled her eyes, tears (start new paragraph here)
God Jason, I love you. (comma after God)
Flow :
The sequences seems logical, even with the looking back on how it started. I didn't notice exactly when it shifted back to the present, just that it was there. I did not find it jarring.
Additional Comments :
Nice work.
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Storm Machine
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