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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sgcardin
Review Requests: ON
3,456 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Princess Griselda desires to find her brother despite her world's cold challenges and evil wizards.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the opening. I thought it was very engaging.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited in Griselda's point of view. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Good job with dialogue tags.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might tap into the five senses, especially smell and touch to heighten the descriptions of Griselda's world.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: unknown
PLACE: cold, rural setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader. Time really isn't essential to the broader context of the story.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Griscelda

There's enough here to understand her motivations, she stays true to wanting to find her brother. *Thumbsup* I thought the brother changed his motivations too quick at the end and it didn't feel natural to him, so I would on his character being a tad more consistent.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. You use exclaimation points a lot which makes the story feel a little melodramaic.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. Good imagination to create Griselda's fantasy world. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph

2
2
Review of A Place to Hide  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

A child is looking for a kind face after escaping horror.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. It offered hope in the face of a tough situtation.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscent. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately. I might suggest a line break between the 4th and 5th paragraphs when the character POV shifts.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's one line of dialogue which accents the narration. I might suggest using quotes=" and not ' for the dialogue.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: side of the road

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Josie

There's enough here to understand her motivations; she's looking for a safe haven. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I might suggest a minor edit for spelling and punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. A creative take on the picture prompt. A suspenseful vignette. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph

3
3
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE POEM

A thought provoking poem about loss.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the poem grew naturally shorter and shorter until the ending. It added to the meaning to the poem; as life got shorter and shorter.


*Star* STRUCTURE

This is free form poem. There is no rhythming pattern.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any punctuation mistakes. The poem is easy to read.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

subtle yet effective. Examples:
Green grass is gone to stay
Memories hang in icy air.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I thought the title encouraged the reader to mull on the meaning. Expressive. I have no suggestions for improvement. Line count was listed in accordance with the contest rules.

Reviewed by StephB for the Bard's Hall

Glowing Steph

4
4
Review of Winter Impact  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE POEM

The poem describes a winter scene in all it's cold beauty.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the words used to describe the outside:
gnarled trunks
willowy branches
pale, dull, lazy, reluctant mid-day sun


*Star* STRUCTURE

This is free form poem. There is no rhythming pattern.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any punctuation mistakes. The poem is easy to read.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's a lot of nice, succinct word play. See above for descriptions. I think the poem paints a vibrant, chily, picture that puts reader nose-to-nose with the window.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I thought the title matched the poem. Very expressive. I have no suggestions for improvement. Line count was listed in accordance with the contest rules.

Reviewed by StephB for the Bard's Hall

Glowing Steph

5
5
Review of An Unusual Letter  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE LETTER

A poignant look at how COVID has turned the letter writer and a nation around in it's response.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the conversational nature of the letter. It describes life and how one has readjusted to COVID and it's restrictions.

*Star* TONE

Nervously serious. There's a lot going on, a lot of uncertainity and the tone of the letter does a nice hinting at that.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. If anything I might suggest a bit more paragraph spacing to make it easy on the eyes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. The letter touches on good and bad. It rambles a bit, but contains a lot of heartfelt emotion. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
6
6
Review of A Ghostly Mistake  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

A couple of people who love horror stories get their dolls crossed up in the mail.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the characters. They were interesting and quirky.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a nice blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue accents the narration.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
7
7
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE LETTER

A heartbreaking look at watch COVID did to 2020.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the author communicated in a way to really touch people. A lot of people had similiar struggles and can totally identify with the struggles and challenges.

*Star* TONE

Poignant. The author tells a personal story how COVID forced changes we all can identify with.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. The letter is honest, full of emotion and to the point. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
8
8
Review of My 2020  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE LETTER

A nice overview of how 2020 started out and how the writer adjusted to the ups and downs of a bumpy year.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the letter chronicled the year and broke down what happened month by month.

*Star* TONE

Matter-of-fact. The letter is easy to read and understand.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. The letter is conversational and draws the reader in. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
9
9
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE LETTER

A heartfelt letter to 2020 including the good, the bad, and ugly, ah, weird. *Smile*

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the conversational nature of the letter. I liked how the letter poked fun, yet made a point. For example: "Chocolate, on he other hand, can be used to bribe the zombies."

*Star* TONE

Lighthearted. I liked how the body of the letter touched on all points, the good, the bad, and weird of 2020.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. The letter is succinct and to the point. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
10
10
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Reading* THE LIMERICK

A poor turkey doesn't realize he's not a guest at Thanksgiving, he's the meal!

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

This poor turkey was clueless! Good job making a poem from limerick stanzas.

*Star* STRUCTURE

A limerick is a humorous, frequently bawdy, verse rhyming aabba. There is a 33223 beat pattern. Good job capturing the essence and beat pattern of a limerick.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. Good job with punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. An entertaining turkey trot! Well done!

Reviewed by StephB

Glowing Steph
11
11
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Reading* THE LIMERICK

A turkey seems oblivious to his plight, which, honestly, is a not a good thing. He has no idea what's going to happen...

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

Very creative! You capture the poor bird's lack of knowing well.

*Star* STRUCTURE

A limerick is a humorous, frequently bawdy, verse rhyming aabba. There is a 33223 beat pattern. Good job capturing the essence and beat pattern of a limerick.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. Good job with punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. A great way to weave in some Swedish. Well done!

Reviewed by StephB

Glowing Steph
12
12
Review of Turkey Trifecta  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Reading* THE LIMERICK

3 Limericks, 2 turkeys, and a chef fill the house with the ambience of Thanksgiving.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the trifecta! Three great stories about Thanksgiving, turkeys, and a chef.

*Star* STRUCTURE

A limerick is a humorous, frequently bawdy, verse rhyming aabba. There is a 33223 beat pattern. Good job capturing the essence and beat pattern of a limerick.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. Good job with punctuation. Good use of WDC ML.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. Very creative. Well done!

Reviewed by StephB

Glowing Steph
13
13
Review of In the Barrio  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Reading* THE LIMERICK

A turkey found love...and lost love. *Sad*

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

Never find love in a barrio.

*Star* STRUCTURE

A limerick is a humorous, frequently bawdy, verse rhyming aabba. There is a 33223 beat pattern. Good job capturing the essence and beat pattern of a limerick.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. Good job with punctuation. Good use of WDC ML.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. Great storytelling in four lines with an added chuckle. Well done!

Reviewed by StephB

Glowing Steph
14
14
Review of Turkeys' Revenge  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Reading* THE LIMERICK

A couple of turkeys get their revenge on Thanksgiving.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the revenge in the form a stink bomb and hard drumsticks. I thought this was a very imaginative limerick that fit the prompt well.

*Star* STRUCTURE

A limerick is a humorous, frequently bawdy, verse rhyming aabba. There is a 33223 beat pattern. Good job capturing the essence and beat pattern of a limerick.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. Good job with punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. A sinfully delicious revenge that made me chuckle. Well done!

Reviewed by StephB

Glowing Steph
15
15
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

The family likes to hunt, but then the invaders come.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

The story is short, concise and straight to the point.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscent. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's no dialogue.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest tapping into the five senses. Pull the reader into the scene by engaging the senses.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?

This is something that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Unnamed narrator

There's enough here to understand their motivations. They need to hunt. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. I

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I might try fleshing this vingette out a little more. I got a werewolf/vampire vibe. The opening needs to be reworked to define the family better. Are they wolves? People? Vampires? Witches? Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph

16
16
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

An amnitronic and his friends are sent to battle an alien demon on Halloween.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the madness! The chaos! The Halloween costumes of the good guys! This was a fun, entertaining read, though it was a bit out there.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by "Ty Cobb." Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: I barked, "Direct your attack on the witch."

MY SUGGESTION: I pointed toward the sky. "Direct your attack on the witch!"

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. What does the battle zone smell like?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: near future
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

"Ty Cobb"

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's there to fight the alien demon. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. I loved the creativity and imagination behind the story. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph

17
17
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Jim aka Boyman66 decided to play a visual novel called "WIlderwoe School High." It doesn't go so good for him.... or does it?

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the imagation behind the story. It's something a little modern and different than traditional "horror."

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Jim. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Now, now, Boyman 66, or should I call you Jim?", Michelle smirked.

MY SUGGESTION: Michelle smirked. "Now, now Boyman66, or should I call you Jim?"

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: near future
PLACE: Jim's house

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Jim

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to play a video game. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. You use exclaimation points a lot which makes the story feel a little melodramaic.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Good character voice. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph

18
18
Review of Inheritance  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Dougie's gret-great-whatever was at the Salem Witch Trials. Seems he kept a diary too that Dougie found. Dougie's in for it now.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the story built on itself to the ending.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the through Dougie and Rina's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately. I might a line break after "Great! CU in 20" as there is a POV shift.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.


*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might touch on the five senses including touch and smell. What does the diary feel like?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Dougie

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's fascinated by the old diary. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/puncutation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph

19
19
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

During the day, the Old Banyan Tree is good, but during the night, the Old Banyon Tree is kinda evil. In a good way.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the tree became it's own character.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscent. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "I am missing the kind of fun we are used to," said Nagaraju, with a lecherous smile.

MY SUGGESTION: Nagaraju flashed his gang a lecherous smile. "I am missing the kind of fun we are used to."

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but you could expand on this. There's a good visual description of the tree, but what does it feel like? What does it smell like?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: unknown
PLACE: Two villaes, Kottur and Puttur near the river Nagavali.

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Nagaraju

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's just not a nice guy. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. A very interesting story. Glad to see the Banyan tree was looking out for the villages. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph

20
20
Review of Crossing Over  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Famous flutist, Katherine Stratford, is killed, but gets to visit Earth once a year.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I thought the ending was solid horror. Well done.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscent. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately. In the middle, there's a POV shift to Peter's perspective. I might suggest a line break so the shift isn't so jaring.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Peter started to turn his head as he asked, "What the hell are you talking about?"

MY SUGGESTION: Peter started to turn his head. "What the hell are you talking about?"

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. To heighten the suspense I might suggest drawing on the 5 senses, especially smell. When Katherine comes to Peter, is there a smell?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day.
PLACE: urban setting.

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Katherine and Peter

There's enough here to understand their motivations. Peter's moved on, but Katherine hasn't. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph

21
21
Review of Snokum Joe  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

One Eyed Billy sneaks into a graveyard to hide his loot, but things aren't what they seem.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. Dumb Billy never learns.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by One Eyed Billy. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's no dialogue. The story is told through narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I especially liked: "a small lantern cast a buttery light upon the rows of white tombstone sticking out like teeth and bones from the carcass of the earth." Well done! Good, solid descriptions throughout.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: graveyard

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

One Eyed Billy

There's enough here to understand his motivations. If I just stole a bunch of money, I'd want to hide it too. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I spotted one spelling error: "hen" for then. I did not spot any puncutation errors. Good use of WDC ML in the story.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph

22
22
Review by StephB
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I'm StephB and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest  (ASR)
Use the quote provided to write a story and win big prizes!
#1207944 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Lenny travel to India for work and everyone wants to feed him.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

Great character voice! Lenny had a nice conversational style way of telling a story that connected with me as a reader.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Lenny. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I might suggest a minor edit to tighten up the dialogue tags.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. Good descriptions involving food and smell: "Never have toast and omelet looked so beautiful. Or tasty so spicy. Surely those little green things couldn't be so lethal..."

I found glossary of words at the beginning of the story very useful when reading.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: India, urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Lenny

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He needs to try and avoid all the food they are feeding him. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. Good job with WDC ML to make the story easy on the eyes for the reader.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. A creative spin on a challenging quotation prompt. Well done. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
23
23
Review of Dinner For Ten  
Review by StephB
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, I'm StephB and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest  (ASR)
Use the quote provided to write a story and win big prizes!
#1207944 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

When Blanche accidently dies, there's a big list of suspects, but only 1 did it.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. There was a nice twist at the end that hooked me as a reader.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a separate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "What the hell?!" Caroline said, suddenly feeling fine.

MY SUGGESTION: "What the hell?" Caroline's cheeks filled with color.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest tapping into the five senses to pull the reader into the scene. What did the house smell like? Good use of descriptions help to show the story to the reader as opposed to telling the story.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: old house

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Unnamed narrator.

There's enough here to understand his motivations. His aunt is old and there might be old money involved.*Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening needs to be reworked. I counted 4 "It was" in the opening paragraph. The opening "tells" more than it shows. To engage the reader, I might suggest starting with action, possibly the narrator walking into the old house and his observations of the exterior of the house and then transition to his expectations of the night. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
24
24
Review of Time  
Review by StephB
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, I'm StephB and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest  (ASR)
Use the quote provided to write a story and win big prizes!
#1207944 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Sarah is the daughter of a mafia don and his only heir, but her father's party might change things.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the structure of the story and how the short, terse sentences built suspense.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited mainly from Sarah's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately. Line breaks are used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue accents the narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I liked: "Her whiteness dazzling against the cobalt blue of the Pacific Ocean."

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: yacht of the coast of Sydney, Australia.

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Sarah and her father

The focus of the story is on Sarah and her actions, but it's her father who will feel the effects of them.*Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. A nice imaginative take on the prompt. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
25
25
Review of In Bad Company  
Review by StephB
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I'm StephB and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest  (ASR)
Use the quote provided to write a story and win big prizes!
#1207944 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Unnamed narrator holds a dinner party with a specific intent in mind.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

The story built suspense nicely. At first I was annoyed by not learning the narrator's name, but by the end, it worked perfectly with the theme and direction of the story. The ending was dark, but perfect for the story.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a blend of dialogue and narration. I find the dialogue accents the narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a separate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Only the best for my guests," I replied with a smile, patting her hand with mine.

MY SUGGESTION: "Only the best for my guests." I smiled, patting her hand with mine.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I especially liked: When shaken with thinly-veiled irritation, a whiskey on the rocks sounds like a rhythmic sharpening of knives. As the opening sentence, it grabs the reader's attention, induces curiosity, and hints at what's to come in a very slick way.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: unsure. The 1920's is referenced, but I'm unsure if the time of the setting or the theme of the dinner party.
PLACE: a luxurious mansion

This is something that I might clarify a bit better for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Unnamed narrator

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He appears to be raised like his guests, a good education, vain, vapid, but as the story continues, his layers peal back to reveal a deep hurt. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. While dark, I enjoyed the direction of the story. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
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