*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sgcardin
Review Requests: ON
3,278 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

The story contains the letters of a soldier who might not make it home to Thanksgiving during World War I.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the letters captured the feel of the time period.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Sid. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's no dialogue as the story is told over a series of letters.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. Maybe touch upon the five senses and the smell.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: 1915
PLACE: battlefield

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Sid

There's enough here to understand his motivations. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any punctuation mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for spelling.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The bitem does not follow the story prompt of ending with "happy thanksgiving." Good luck in the contest.

2
2
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

The turkey is ruined! Can a side dish become the main attraction?

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the premise of the story. I also enjoy all the characters names. They seemed appropriate for a Thanksgiving story.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with narration. Present tense is used. Most professional editors encourage the use of past tense. For me, as a reader, I find present tense a bit jarring to read.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a descent blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a separate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "What happened to the turkey?" Nama exclaimed as soon as the turkey came out of the oven.

MY SUGGESTION: Name pulled the turkey out of the oven. She wrinkled her nose, pursed her lips and felt her heart skip a beat. "What happened to the turkey!"

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You could really touch on the sense of smell to heightened the fact the turkey did not cook well.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: Thanksgiving
PLACE: the kitchen

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Nama

There's enough here to understand her motivations. The turkey is a wreck. Now what? *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Good use of the prompt in the story. I liked how Nama and the family solved the Turkey dilemma. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
3
3
Review of Tommy's Request  
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Tommy the Turkey knows it's time and he'd like to go out on his own terms and not let humans get to him.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the comedy in the story despite the heavy nature of Tommy's request.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Zak. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest touching on the five senses.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: in the future
PLACE: the farm

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Zak

There's enough here to understand his motivations. I'm glad he asked his family about Tommy's request. I think it's the responsible thing to do and gives the story an inner strength. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. The story is easy to read. Good use of WDC ML.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Good use of the prompt in the story. The story did not follow the contest prompt and end with "Happy Thanksgiving." Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
4
4
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

The turkey was soooo big, it barely fit in the oven! Can Thanksgiving dinner be saved?

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how "Birdzilla" took on a life of it's own and drove the story.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Jeanie. Good job with narration. Good use of line breaks to separate the narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Good use of dialogue tags

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You could really touch on the sense of smell to heighten the suspense regarding the big, bad Birdzilla.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: 1985
PLACE: a house

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Jeanie

There's enough here to understand her motivations. Who doesn't worry about cooking the Thanksgiving bird? *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. The story is easy to read. Good use of WDC ML.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening is a bit passive. I might start out with framing the period.

My suggestion: "It was 1985. Ronald Reagan was immensely popular, Calvin and his stuffed tiger, Hobbes, were out to conquer the world, Bruce Springsteen sung about things I cared about."

Coming of age in 1985, I don't remember too many people worrying about "corn fed" turkey, as I think that's more of a modern 2010's concern, and I probably wouldn't mention it in the story.

Good use of the prompt in the story. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
5
5
Review of Gobble  
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Does the Thanksgiving of the future involve Turkey or something else...?

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the lighthearted tone of the story. It was very engaging.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Genie. Good job with narration. Good use of line breaks to separate the narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You could really touch on the sense of smell to heightened Genie shock and disgust.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: in the future
PLACE: the moon

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Genie

There's enough here to understand her motivations. It's Thanksgiving and she wants to eat Turkey. Who doesn't? *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. The story is easy to read. Good use of WDC ML.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Good use of the prompt in the story.The ending makes the reader chuckle. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
6
6
Review of River and Swamp  
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Mom is hoping the boys will bring home a gator for Thanksgiving because that's what you eat when you live in a swamp.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the character voice. It really helped to draw me into the story.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Mom. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. You could expand on the descriptions a bit by touching on the five senses. I'd love to know Swamp Thanksgiving smells like.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: rural/swamp setting?

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Mom

There's enough here to understand her motivations. It's time to prepare Thanksgiving dinner. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The story followed the prompt. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
7
7
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Parker Barker has concocted a crazy scheme to put the grab on the town's time capsule, but will it work?

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how Parker Barker was a bookworm. lol.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: Bardstown, USA

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Parker Barker

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He read so many books, he figured out how to get to the map which would lead to the time capsule. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. As a suggestion, I would have liked to have seen more of the Bardstown's residents involved in the story. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
8
8
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Captain O'Leary is determined to free Mrs. Stone and figure out who is trying to ruin the Founder's Day celebration before he gets chewed out by the mayor.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I enjoyed the ending, nice twist.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Captain O'Leary. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

The dialogue accents the narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: Bardstown, USA

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Captain O'Leary

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to solve the crime. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I really appreciated how you spaced out the story and numbered the sentences. That made it easier for me as a reader.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. I liked how the story evolved and came full circle. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
9
9
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Mrs. Stone is kidnapped and the Bardstown's police department must solve the crime before the Founder's Day activities start, with a little help from the tech team.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

The opening sentence captured the imagination and had me hooked.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

The dialogue accents the narration and does a great job capturing the individual character voice.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: Bardstown, USA

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Captain O'Leary

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to solve the crime. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. Nice twist at the end! Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
10
10
Review of Desdemona  
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Desdemona or "Dolores" Writon has come to town with nefarious intentions that include kidnapping, tomfoolery, and theft.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the character voice. Nailed it!!

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Captain O'Leary. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately. If anything, I might identify O'Leary speaking once so the reader can feel good about his narration.

*Star* DIALOGUE

The dialogue accents the narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: Bardstown, USA

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Captain O'Leary

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to solve the crime. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
11
11
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Mr. Jones takes his Boy Scout troop an an adventure to cave as part of his "Bucket List."

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. It was very heartwarming.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Mr Jones. Good job with narration. I might suggest an edit for tense. It switches between past and present and can be a tad confusing for readers.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue accents the story.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You could tap into the five senses and heighten the suspense in the cave using smell and touch.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: cave setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Mr. Jones

There's enough here to understand his motivations. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. The font and spacing make the story easy to read.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
12
12
Review of Camp Hostage  
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Joey and Danny go camping and get spooked by a furry guest.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the boys react to their furry visitor. It was very cute.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue accents the story.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. If anything, I might touch on the sense of smell. How does the forest smell? The furry visitor?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: rural setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Joey and Danny

There's enough here to understand their motivations. I'd freak out too if I discovered a visitor in my tent. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. I might also suggest spacing between paragraphs. It's easier to read on WDC.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
13
13
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Jake encounters a snake while camping in the woods.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the suspense grew more tense with every word.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited from Jake's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's not much dialogue. The dialogue accents the narration. My suggestion would be not to put action in the dialogue tag.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "To hell with you," Jake said, his heart trying to pound its way through his chest. He turned and ran.

MY SUGGESTION: "To hell with you!" Jake turned and ran, his heart pounding its way through his chest.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

Fantastic descriptions. I loved: "It felt as hot as fresh brewed coffee." And: "greasy nausea." The story utilizes a good economy of words to communicate suspense and fear.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: rural setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Jake

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to get away from the snake.*Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader and keeps them reading. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
14
14
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE BLOG

Blog @ Work 2nd Edition engages the reader by taking prompts and replying to them.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the posts were short and engaging. I thought the prompts covered a wide variety of topics from writing to traveling. I enjoyed the blog author's replies. They were very conversation, heartfelt, and honest.

*Star* ENGAGING

The blog invites the reader to engage. I posted several times on topics.

*Star*VARIETY

There was a nice variety of posts. I enjoyed reading the blog author's posts about their home in the Netherlands. I visited the country several times when I was stationed in Germany. I especially loved visiting Amsterdam and the Kuekenhof.

*Star*EXPRESSIVE

The blog was easy to read. I liked how there several links to videos, as I feel most enjoy them. Dynamic use of bitem, video links, pictures - multimedia in general.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes, but then when it comes to reviewing blogs, I'm a bit more liberal.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS

Good use of graphics and WDC ML in the introduction to attract readers. I enjoyed visiting your blog. *Smile*

Reviewed by StephB
Another Signature
15
15
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE BLOG

I Blog Poetry and Prose engages the reader using poetry, and short, interesting spiritual posts.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the posts were short and engaging. I especially liked the entry for 14 JUN. I did not know much about Baha’u’llah, but what was nice, was that on the face of the entries, I didn't need to know about Bah'u'llah, I just went with it. The posts intrigue the reader to wanting to find out more.

*Star* ENGAGING

The blog invites the reader to engage. I posted several times on topics.

*Star*VARIETY

There was a nice variety of posts. Some were poetry, some discussed were interesting (like the pennies) and reflective.

*Star*EXPRESSIVE

The blog was easy to read. I enjoyed the the reflective/spiritual aspects of the posts.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes, but then when it comes to reviewing blogs, I'm a bit more liberal.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS

Good use of graphics and WDC ML in the introduction to attract readers. I enjoyed visiting your blog. *Smile*

Reviewed by StephB
Another Signature }
16
16
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Star* THE PHOTOGRAPH

The water crashes over the falls, explosive and vibrant.

*Reading* THE POEM

This is a haiku speaks to the beauty of nature's energy.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

The photo totally centers the waterfalls, making it front and center. The poem's action and description describes the waterfall and its energy.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a haiku that follows a 5-7-5 syllable scheme. Well done.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Dynamic and breathtaking. The prompt followed the Bard's Hall Contest rules.

Reviewed by StephB

Glowing Steph }
17
17
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Star* THE PHOTOGRAPH

A breathing taking view of the mighty Himalayas.

*Reading* THE POEM

The poem embodies the view of the picture.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

The photo takes your breath away.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This haiku doesn't quite follow the 5-7-5 scheme.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Good use of WDC ML making the words small to give the mountains more depth. The prompt followed the Bard's Hall Contest rules.

Reviewed by StephB

Glowing Steph }
18
18
Review of Venus  
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Star* THE PHOTOGRAPH

Palm tree branches meet in the middle with the planet Venus hovering over them.

*Reading* THE POEM

This is a haiku which captures the essence of the photo, which, to me, was calm and inviting.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the color scheme of the photo. The words tease the calming effect of Venus. I could almost feel, the warm, but not too warm, air surrounding me as I kicked back with a drink to relax.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a haiku that follows a 5-7-5 syllable scheme. Well done.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

No suggestions for improvement. Well done! The prompt followed the Bard's Hall Contest rules.

Reviewed by StephB

Glowing Steph
19
19
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THIS IS FOR THE ENTRY: THE BROKEN UMBRELLA

An unnamed female narrator tries to determine if her grandson has autism.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the warm beats of the story. It was very heartfelt.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Unnamed Female Narrator

There's enough here to understand his motivations. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good use of incorporating the visual prompt into the story. Good luck in the contest.

20
20
Review of Foresight  
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Norman is trying to change the past with his friend, Del.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the story line. The opening proves very intriguing and hooks the reader quickly.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited from Norman's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used. I might suggest using past tense, as most professional editors suggest it. Present tense can be confusing to read at times.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest tapping into the five senses to include smell and touch. That might help to build suspense.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: in the future
PLACE: rural setting?

This is something that could be clarified a tad more for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Norman

There's enough here to understand his motivations. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening hooks the reader and does a good job incorporating the visual prompt. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

21
21
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

"Night" is a hired enforcer who is compelled to listen to what his boss says, but sometimes his boss isn't right.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the characterization. I thought Night was a very original character, and story was very creative with the visual prompt.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Night. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a separate sentence.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You could tap into the five senses or perhaps, stress the lack of them considering the story.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: the future
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Night

There's enough here to understand his motivations. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I might suggest a minor edit for spelling and punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. I didn't see the word count listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
22
22
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Amber is a lawyer who gets in some trouble while trying to solve a case.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the story. Very inspirational.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Amber. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. My only suggestion here would be to be mindful of the character voice. Amber is a lawyer, so I, as a reader, expect her to sound more sophisticated then how she is currently written.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest tapping into the five senses. You can really heighten the suspense, especially using smell and touch.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Lisa

There's enough here to understand her motivations. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I might suggest a minor edit for spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I would capitalize "God" when you write "thank god."

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
23
23
Review of Rain  
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

On the planet "Aridus," Lisa must try to find a way to communicate with the natives of the planet.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the imagination behind the story. A creative take on the visual prompt.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Lisa. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I suggest tapping into the five senses, especially touch and smell.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: in the future
PLACE: the planet Aridus

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Lisa

There's enough here to understand his motivations. She's working hard to establish a common language between her and the native people to the planet. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The ending touches on the visual prompt with the word "rain," but I would have loved to have seen you tackle the umbrella aspect of the prompt. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

24
24
Review of The Umbrella  
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Jeremy Strauss has a date with an umbrella and destiny.
*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the idea of the loop and how the story came full circle.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the mainly in the third person limited from Jeremy's perspective, however there are some POV shifts without a line break that kinda confused me as a reader. I would suggest a minor edit for these shifts. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's minimal dialogue.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting in the rain.

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Jeremy

I was a bit confused on his motivation. He was looking for a man, found him and gave him his umbrella, but I felt like the gesture lacked something. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader, but, and I'll best honest, I missed the "umph" of the ending and was a tad confused with it. Maybe if think "Twilight Zone?" where the umbrella propels the owner to hand it off? Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

25
25
Review of Going Coastal  
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Two very different people find a spot overlooking the Oregon coast in the rain and debate the same thing.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the characterization. I also liked how the story invoked hope.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscient by Chester. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest tapping into the five senses. What does the rain look like? What does area smell like?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: coastal setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Chester

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He is contemplating something serious due to his condition but human nature gets in the way. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Good job working the prompt into the story. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
1,120 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 45 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sgcardin