*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sgcardin/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/17
Review Requests: ON
3,924 Public Reviews Given
4,136 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 13 14 15 16 -17- 18 19 20 21 22 ... Next
401
401
Review of Do You See Me?  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a review for "Do You See Me?"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE POEM

Do you see the ghost that haunts you - in the dark, in the shadows, under the sheets?

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the word play. For me, I perceived we all have "ghosts," or "fears" or "demons" that haunt us, actions we've done, or haven't, and these ghosts, or fears haunt us even when we don't see them. Their hidden, lurking, waiting for that one moment of angst to dare us to make them real. I almost think it's easier to see them when we're children, too. After all, aren't we afraid of what we might see the under the bed when we're 5?

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a free form poem with no rythme scheme. I how the 1st line is not indented and the rest are. The presentation of the them gives a natural rythym when read.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. The poem is easy to read and challenges the reader to discover their own interpretation.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to experience the emotion the poem evokes.

I especially liked: Do you see me
on the floor of the basement?
beneath your soles
beneath the world

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

A dynamic read. This poem blew me away.

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
402
402
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a review for "Sibling Rivalry "  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE STORY

A young woman is determined to honor her grandmother's wishes.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. It left me hanging and I wanted more! That's the sign of a good story. *Smile*

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Brandi. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I might suggest a minor edit for dialogue tags.

For example as written: "Zana e malit," Bradi said, opening the urn.

My suggestion: "Zana e malit," Brani opened the urn.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest using the 5 senses to broaden the descriptions. What does Grandma's village smell like? Fresh cut grass? Lilacs?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: Albania

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Brandi

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to honor her grandmother. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any punctuation mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for spelling.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The story is easy to read and understand. As a reader, I'd love to learn more about Brandi and her family.

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
403
403
Review of I Remember Daddy  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a review for "I Remember Daddy"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE STORY

A young woman remembers the night her father left.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how Jezebel stuck to her guns with her memory. She might have been young, but she's determined and that's a trait to me admired.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Jezebel. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "I remember Daddy," Jezebel said, as she and Megyn ambled up the flagstone walk toward the white house that had been their father's pride and joy.

MY SUGGESTION: "I remember Daddy." Jezebal ambled up the flagstone walk toward the white house that had been her father's pride and joy. Her sister, Megyn followed behind.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I liked the "Cheshire cat grin on her face," but I might suggest tapping into the sense of smell to expand the descriptions.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: Jezebel's house

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Jezebel

There's enough here to understand her motivations. Her memories motive her current actions. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The story is easy to read and understand. A very good vignette on the dynamics of family when someone dies. It truly brings out the worst in people. Well written.

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
404
404
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a review for "Too Little, Too Late"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE POEM

Love is found, what happens when love is lost.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the poem told a story that just about everyone can relate to. We've all loved and lost at some point in our life. It's how we "bounce" that define the character we have.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a new style of poem for me. From the notes this is an Ottawa Rima form with 16 lines, 10-11 syllables per line with a rhyme scheme of abababcc, dededeff. The author does a good job with it.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any /spelling punctuation mistakes.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

The author uses a good economy of words to paint emotions. The poem is easy to read. Good use of WDC ML to present the poem.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions. The poem is heartfelt, honest, and candid. I think we leave ourselves vulnerable when we allow ourself to feel love. The author does a good job taping into the vulnerability.

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
405
405
Review of Dear Journal  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review for "PROXIMA b"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE STORY

A look at the solar system though a different perspective.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. A good twist on a 'different' perspective, but I think plausible considering how hard we are working toward achieving that goal.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's no dialogue. This is a flash fiction story.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. It's always challenging adding descriptions into a short/flash fiction pieces. Beautiful is used in a strategic place for description. I might suggest using a thesaurus for succinct one word descriptors.
*Star* SETTING

TIME: the future
PLACE: Mars

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Unnamed Narrator

The Narrator is pondering their place in the world. It's understand we do that as well. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. The story is easy to read and understand. The story does a nice job capturing emotion.

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
406
406
Review of PROXIMA b  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review for "PROXIMA b"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE STORY

Two astronauts visit a planet.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked what the ending implied. It was a good twist given our own history with Roswell and Area 51.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by an unnamed astronaut. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's no dialogue. This is a flash fiction story.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I think there are descriptive words laced throughout given the nature of the story being a "flash" fiction. I especially liked: I heard a cacophony of machinery and voices. Cacophony goes a long way here.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: 1940's
PLACE: desert

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Unnamed Astronauts

There's enough here to understand their motivations. They want to visit another planet. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. The story is easy to read and understand. There's a nice twist at the end. Well done considering the short nature of the story. Write on!


Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
407
407
Review of Donald  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review for "Donald "  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE POEM

The poem pays homage to the author's late husband.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the author communicated their love and respect for their husband using a good economy of words. The poem was very sincere and heartfelt.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is an acrostic poem. The letters in the line spell out a particular word or phrase. The most common and simple form is where the first letters of each line spell out the word or phrase. There is no rythme scheme.

*Star* MECHANICS

I might suggest a minor edit for spelling and punctuation. The poem was easy read. I also like how the author presented the poem. It made it easy on the eyes for the WDC reader.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There descriptions tap into the sadness the author feels from losing her husband. I especially liked: Now you sleep where no shadows fall


*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. I think this is a poem that can speak reach out to a lot of readers who have been in the same situation that the author has. It's never easy to lose a loved one, but the author constructs this acrostic with dignity and grace.

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
408
408
Review of Memorial  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a review for "Memorial"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE POEM

Thoughts and reflections one might have standing in front of a military memorial wall.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the author captured the poignant emotions family members have when they visited a memorial. There are many memorials across the nation, but when you're up close with one, there's a deep sense of respect and pride and sadness one feels. The author's embody all those emotions well.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a poem with six stanzas. The first five stanzas have a AABBC rythme scheme. This is allows for a rhythmic read of the poem.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. Good use of font and font size to make the poem easy to read for readers here on WDC.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's a good economy of words used to allow the reader to feel the emotions tapped into. I especially liked:

A candle yields its final spark
unable to hold back the dark


*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The poem channels emotions well. A well written poem that respects the feelings of those families who have lost members during their military service.

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
409
409
Review of Sacrifices  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review for "Sacrifices"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE POEM

A heartwarming poem about a man reflecting on his military memories.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the man looked at his reflection in the mirror. He didn't just see the wrinkles of time, but reflections of the soldier he once was.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a free form poem with nine quarterns. The 2nd and 4th line of each quartern rhymes.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. I liked how the author used font and and size to make the poem easy to read for the reader. Well done.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to paint the poem for the reader. I especially liked "Souza-like refrain" which harkens back to the music of the 1940's. Good economy of words to allow the reader to visualize the soldier's memories along with him.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. I liked how the poem told a story. It touched on a lot of emotions: apprehension, sadness, and pride.

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
410
410
Review of Miscellaneous  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review for "Miscellaneous"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones"  and "The North Remembers" 

*Reading* THE FOLDER

The folder contains a miscellaneous mix of the author's items to include flash fiction/vignettes, pictures, groups, and a newsletter.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the folder. I especially enjoyed the flash fiction/vignettes in this folder. They were a joy to read. The photograph of the author's flowers was a nice peek into her world.

*Star* INTRODUCTION

The introduction is simple, just "miscellaneous." I might suggest adding a graphic or using WDC ML to set a tone or a mood for the folder. I would suggest an introductory paragraph explaining the reasons for the items in the folder.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. While the folder isn't "eye-catching" I most certaintly enjoyed several of the items within the folder. It's got a nice mix of items. I would say think of a folder like a book, the items inside are chapters so the introduction is a cover. Give your readers the cover they deserve. *Smile* Just my thoughts.

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
411
411
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a review for "The Reluctant Patient"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE STORY

Marie is hoping Jim will honestly try to "smell" better.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the ending. I was thinking one thing and the end went another way and I laughed out loud. Got me. hehe *Laugh*

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person person by Jim. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

The dialogue moves the story forward. Dialogue tags are used sparingly if at all. Well done.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scene. I loved the description of Jim in the first paragraph. It really helped me to picture his character.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: a car, a parking lot, and a doctor's office.

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Jim

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's going to try and clean up his smelly act for Marie's sake.*Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. Good use of WDC ML to make the story easy on the eyes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. Good economy of words to tell the story. Write on.

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen
Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
412
412
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review for "MY MOM IS THE WORST COOK IN THE WORLD!"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE STORY

Mom is not much of a cook.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I can certaintly sympathize with mom. I'm a mom and not much of a cook either but I can honestly I never blew up hot dogs in a microwave or used food coloring to disguise my food.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Terry. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There is no dialogue.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scene, but this is something that could be expanded on. If anything I might suggest using smell to tap into just how bad Mom's cooking smells.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: kitchen

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Terry

Terry explains how Mom is a bad cook. I think we can identify. If it's not Mom, we know someone who is not a great cook.*Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. A nice character voice makes for an easy read. Write on!

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen
Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
413
413
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review for "The Night I Ate My Words"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE STORY

Hooves takes writing seriously and forgets a couple of things.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the character voice. The story was easy to read and made me chuckle.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Hooves, the writing bull. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

The dialogue is in the "IM" message. It accents the narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. If anything I might suggest describing the library using sight and smell. What does a library smell like to a writing bull? *Wink*

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: library

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Hooves

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He gets so wrapped up in his writing he forgets a couple of things. I think we all do when we get involved in something we enjoy. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. Nice use of WDC ML in the content of the story.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. I'm glad Hooves as a good friend to help him out in a tough spot. And I think we as readers can appreciate that we've all got good friends who can help us out when the times get rough. A very entertaining read!

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen
Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
414
414
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review for "Sevenling (In Darkness)"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE STORY

Hooves takes writing seriously and forgets a couple of things.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the character voice. The story was easy to read and made me chuckle.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Hooves, the writing bull. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

The dialogue is in the "IM" message. It accents the narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. If anything I might suggest describing the library using sight and smell. What does a library smell like to a writing bull? *Wink*

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: library

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Hooves

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He gets so wrapped up in his writing he forgets a couple of things. I think we all do when we get involved in something we enjoy. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. Nice use of WDC ML in the content of the story.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. I'm glad Hooves as a good friend to help him out in a tough spot. And I think we as readers can appreciate that we've all got good friends who can help us out when the times get rough. A very entertaining read!

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen
Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
415
415
Review of Under the Bed  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review for "Under the Bed"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE POEM

Is it safe to look under the bed even if your feet are firmly under the covers? You never know what lurks in the dark.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I used to keep the covers tucked up to my chin so the vampire wouldn't get me when I was a kid. And I never looked under the bed because there were evil things like "Dust Bunnies" under there. I like that this poem has a universal appeal, not only to kids but to adults.


*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a free form poem. While there are rythmes, there's no pattern to the rythming. The way the poem is structured does make a for a rhythmic read.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

The descriptions appeal to the kid in everyone. They're simple and easy to visualize.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

This is a poem that resonates with a majority of readers. We're all safe in our beds. Darkness brings the unknown and the unknown freaks out everyone. Good use of words to paint pictures. Write on!

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
416
416
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review for "Resignation Letter from ACS"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE LETTER

The letter is a passionate resignation letter to the American Cancer Society.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the passion behind the letter. Obviously something happened that upset the author very much.

*Star* VOICE

The voice is passionate, upset, and on a mission to let the American Cancer Society know that it shouldn't treat hard workers and people who invest in cause so shabby.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

If anything, I think describing an example of where the ACS treated Issac so badly would make the letter extremely poignant.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. It's a shame that institutions such as the cancer society are run by people who "twist" the cause and don't follow thorugh like they should. It just brings down the good that is trying to be accomplished.

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
417
417
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review for "Medical Treatment Is A Pain In The..."  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE STORY

Dorothy isn't impressed with the medical care she received.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

This is an easy to read story, and readers, especially myself, can identify with just about everything Dorothy went through.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Dorothy. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue accents the narration. Good use of dialogue tags.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest tapping into the 5 senses. Put the reader there with Dorothy. I think a few stragetically places sentences about smell would be great in this story.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: hospital

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Dorothy

There's enough here to understand what she's going through. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. If anything, I might suggest spacing between paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes here on WDC.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader and kept me reading. I enjoyed the 'character' voice of the story. ((hugs)) to Dorothy for her less than steller medical care.

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
418
418
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review for "The Effects of Hypothyroidism:"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE ESSAY

The essay talks about what Hypothyroidism is, how to recoginize it, and how to treat it.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

There was a lot of information in the essay and I learned a lot about the topic. I knew about hypothyroidism, but I had no idea how it effected the body.

*Star* STYLE

The writing style is very "up front" and presents facts. While I found the topic interesting, it's a "dry" read.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to understand how the condition effects the patient.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I thought it was very interesting to discover that Napoleon suffered from hypothyroidism. It was also interesting to learn that the condition affected men and women differently. I would be interested to know hypothyroidism has affected any more famous historical figures.

Overall, there's a lot of knowledge in the essay. Thank you for sharing.

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
419
419
Review of Time  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review for "Time"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE POEM

Our society is moving forward with industrialization, but will how far will it inspire us to change our norms?

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the visuals. I could the machines working, the brass parts glowing in the steam, and technology moving us toward the future. Good use of words to paint pictures.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a free form with an ABAB rhythme scheme. I might suggest using a line break between quarterns so it's easier on the eyes for the reader.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for a bit more punctuation.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to visualize a room full of steampunk machines hard at work.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I liked the last two lines:

The pendulum swings to and fro
… it'll never take our crown

Steampunk is change. It's different, and yet, how does it move society forward? When HG Wells wrote and inspired the genre in the UK until now, there still is a monarch on the throne. Does what matter in the world change? Government? Government policy? Food for thought. Time will tell.


Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
420
420
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a review for "To Begin Again ..."  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE POEM

HG Wells inspired us to build a time machine, but will we like what the future holds for us?

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the visuals that the poem offered. I could see steam and brass coming together with rivets and metallic smells, pushing pistons and daring us to dream.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a poem with quaterns. There's an ABAB rhyme scheme in the quatrains. Common meter is 8/6/8/6. The meter makes for a easy read.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. Good use of WDC ML to present the poem.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to visualize a future filled with steam and attitude.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Steampunk was born out of the industrial age, but if it's not reigned in, then what will happen to the Earth? This poem gives us a glimpse of the future and dares to change it. Just what HG Wells did when he was writing. I also liked how the poem starts with Wells' inspiration and takes it forward. The poem embodies the steampunk genre well.

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
421
421
Review of Wrong Delivery  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review for "Wrong Delivery"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE STORY

Stacie gets some flowers, but are they really for her?

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I think this is a situation that a lot of peope can identify with.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Stacie. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue drives the story. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "That's what we're all dying to know. Open the card," Carole demanded

MY SUGGESTION: "That's what we're all dying to know. Open the card." Carole put her hands on her hips.


*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I don't know if you had a word limit, if so, this works. If not, you might consider a few stragetic sentences that touch on the 5 senses. How did the roses smell?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: office

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Stacie

There's enough here to understand her motivations. I think she does a great job downplaying the incident. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. I thought the dialogue was very natural and not forced. Write on!

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
422
422
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This is a review for "Lassy Tries to Try "  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE STORY

Lassy the cow likes to stay in her herd and moo her heart out. What do her fellow cows think?

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the heartfelt lesson of the story and the narrator's voice.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Lassie the Cow. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I could definately picture Lassy the cow and her pasture.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: rural setting?

This is something that that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Lassie

There's enough here to understand her motivations. Lassy is very comfortable with what she knows. She she's forced outside her comfort zone she must adapt and grow. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. Check: "mi-moo grinned to herself."

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. A delightful read for young readers!

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
423
423
Review of The Sun Also Sets  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This is a review for "The Sun Also Sets"  from House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" 

*Reading* THE STORY

Hooves uses a time machine to visit Ernest Hemingway.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the character voice. Hooves is a larger than life character, indeed! *Smile*

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the 1st person by Hooves. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

The dialogue moves the story forward. Excellent use of dialogue tags. I especially liked: "What a fine, noble bull!" Mr. Hemingway stated correctly. It really lets Hooves personality shine.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I suppose you've could've added a tad more description to Hemingway's cafe. There's a good economy of words which really convey the tone of Hooves' personality.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day then the 1920's.
PLACE: cafe

This is something that is clarified enough for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Hooves

There's enough here to understand his motivations. Hooves is a writing bull full of inspiration. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. Good use of WDC ML makes the story easy on the eyes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

My only suggestion would be a tad more description on Hemingway's cafe. The opening line is a great hook. This was an easy, enjoyable read that brought a smile to my face.

Reviewed by StephB for House Targaryen

Steph's Signature for Game of Thrones }
424
424
Review of J'ai Vu  
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE IMAGE

*Reading* An image of a cat and a French expression hang from a post. It reminds me of signage in Europe, especially when I was stationed in Germany and they would have signs hang near the doors.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

The image is whimsical and inviting.

*Star* ENGAGING

I like the soft colors. They engage the viewer to explore.

*Star* INTRODUCTION

The introduction does a great job explaining the meaning of the image.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. Good spacing.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS

I have no suggestions for improvement. A heartfelt image that dares the viewer to say, "What did you see?"

Reviewed by StephB for Bard's Hall MAY 2017 contest .
Coffee Cup 2007 Review signature }
425
425
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE IMAGE

*Reading* A contrast between light and dark as it takes a look at our daily struggles.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the light pattern spread out over the dark walls, implying hope.

*Star* ENGAGING

The image engages the viewer, challenges them to pause and think. Why is there such a stark contrast?

*Star* INTRODUCTION

The introduction explains the image, but I wasn't sure who Hi-5 or that Stevie dude was. Obviously, they were very relevant in the inspiration/creation of the image, but I wasn't clear if they were dancers or singers? or some other creative persons.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. I might suggest spacing between paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS

The image stirs up emotions. Thought provoking.

Reviewed by StephB for Bard's Hall MAY 2017 contest .
Coffee Cup 2007 Review signature }
1,307 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 53 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sgcardin/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/17