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Public Reviews
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126
126
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THIS IS FOR THE ENTRY: THE BROKEN UMBRELLA

An unnamed female narrator tries to determine if her grandson has autism.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the warm beats of the story. It was very heartfelt.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Unnamed Female Narrator

There's enough here to understand his motivations. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good use of incorporating the visual prompt into the story. Good luck in the contest.

127
127
Review of Foresight  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Norman is trying to change the past with his friend, Del.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the story line. The opening proves very intriguing and hooks the reader quickly.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited from Norman's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used. I might suggest using past tense, as most professional editors suggest it. Present tense can be confusing to read at times.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest tapping into the five senses to include smell and touch. That might help to build suspense.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: in the future
PLACE: rural setting?

This is something that could be clarified a tad more for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Norman

There's enough here to understand his motivations. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening hooks the reader and does a good job incorporating the visual prompt. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

128
128
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

"Night" is a hired enforcer who is compelled to listen to what his boss says, but sometimes his boss isn't right.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the characterization. I thought Night was a very original character, and story was very creative with the visual prompt.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Night. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a separate sentence.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You could tap into the five senses or perhaps, stress the lack of them considering the story.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: the future
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Night

There's enough here to understand his motivations. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I might suggest a minor edit for spelling and punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. I didn't see the word count listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
129
129
Review of Rain  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

On the planet "Aridus," Lisa must try to find a way to communicate with the natives of the planet.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the imagination behind the story. A creative take on the visual prompt.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Lisa. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I suggest tapping into the five senses, especially touch and smell.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: in the future
PLACE: the planet Aridus

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Lisa

There's enough here to understand his motivations. She's working hard to establish a common language between her and the native people to the planet. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The ending touches on the visual prompt with the word "rain," but I would have loved to have seen you tackle the umbrella aspect of the prompt. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

130
130
Review of The Umbrella  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Jeremy Strauss has a date with an umbrella and destiny.
*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the idea of the loop and how the story came full circle.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the mainly in the third person limited from Jeremy's perspective, however there are some POV shifts without a line break that kinda confused me as a reader. I would suggest a minor edit for these shifts. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's minimal dialogue.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting in the rain.

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Jeremy

I was a bit confused on his motivation. He was looking for a man, found him and gave him his umbrella, but I felt like the gesture lacked something. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader, but, and I'll best honest, I missed the "umph" of the ending and was a tad confused with it. Maybe if think "Twilight Zone?" where the umbrella propels the owner to hand it off? Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

131
131
Review of Going Coastal  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Two very different people find a spot overlooking the Oregon coast in the rain and debate the same thing.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the characterization. I also liked how the story invoked hope.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscient by Chester. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest tapping into the five senses. What does the rain look like? What does area smell like?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: coastal setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Chester

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He is contemplating something serious due to his condition but human nature gets in the way. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Good job working the prompt into the story. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
132
132
Review of Treasure  
Review by StephB
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I'm StephB and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
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*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Sarah's mom challenges her to find some treasure on a beach.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the character development. I could definitely feel for and understand Sarah's plight.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited from Sarah's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. It moves the story forward.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. If anything, this is something that could be expanded on by tapping into the five scenes. I know how the beach looks, but really put me in the scene and tell me how the beach smells.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: beach setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Sarah

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She is frustrated due to her circumstances. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation to include capitalization.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The ending was solid and heartwarming. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Short Shots contest.

Glowing Steph
133
133
Review of Deep Blue  
Review by StephB
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I'm StephB and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

John and Janeen find an old teak box after visiting a gorgeous aquamarine blue lake near Amagardo.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the imagination of the story. I got caught up in the "what happened" scenarios that the children came up with.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Janeen and then switches to third person omniscient with an appropriate line break. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a separate sentence.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Or maybe we never saw it at all." was John's reply.

MY SUGGESTION: "Or maybe we never saw it at all," John replied. ("was John's reply" is passive voice.)

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. You have room to tap into the five senses with a few strategic sentences. Tell me how something smells, or what it feels like to touch.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Janeen

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She's intrigued by the old teak box. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. Spell out the word, "okay." OK is okay for journalistic writing, but use "okay" for creative writing.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader and keeps them reading. A nice creative story! Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
134
134
Review by StephB
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, I'm StephB and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Who killed Mick? Mom or Lucy?

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the characters. They were a bit over the top, but measured just enough it made for a funny story.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by a monotonous voiced host. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest spacing between dialogue so it's a bit easier for the reader to know when someone is speaking.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. Nice visual description: "Her short, steel grey hair worn in a spiked fashion."

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Mick

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants a little companionship and no woman in her right mind will go out with him when he has a mother like that! *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation and spelling.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening intrigues the reader. Great twists! I didn't see the one about Lucy coming, but I should have expected it. LOL! Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

135
135
Review of My Day Off  
Review by StephB
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I'm StephB and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Jennifer gets an unexpected day off from work.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the characterization. Jennifer had a nice, relaxing day doing something I might do on my day off, and that was something I could totally relate to.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Jennifer. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately. Just one suggestion:

AS WRITTEN: "Ms. Martin, please have a seat." Mr. Jenkins said as I came in. "I am..."

MY SUGGESTION: "Ms. Martin, please have a seat." Mr Jenkins motioned to the chair in front of his desk. "I am..."

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You might tap into the five senses, such as smell, touch and hearing to show us more of Jennifer's backpacking adventures.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting/backpacking trail/lake beach.

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Jennifer

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to have a low key, relaxing day off. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening uses a strong character voice to pull the reader in, but I might suggest starting with some action. You might start with the secretary asking Jennifer to step in and talk to the boss and then have her worried and anxious before she goes in. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

136
136
Review of What Happened?  
Review by StephB
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, I'm StephB and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Bradley wakes up only to find himself getting grilled by the police and his friends kidnapped.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. There's a twist that turns the story on it's head.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Bradley. Good job with narration. Present tense is used to tell the story. It is consistent, but most professional editors encourage writers to write in the past tense. As a reader, I would have enjoyed the story a bit more in the past tense.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately. If anything, there are times when the dialogue sounds a bit stiff. For example, as written: "We have stopped? Where are we? How did we get here?"

Someone in this circumstance would sound a tad more more upset. I might suggest: "We stopped? Where? Where are we?" Bradley's voice cracked with a hint of hysteria.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: beach setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Bradley

There's enough here to understand his motivations. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. Good use of WDC ML makes the story easy to read.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
137
137
Review of The Expats  
Review by StephB
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, I'm StephB and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Jim and Eric have a lucrative vacation schedule with their construction company and decide to go fishing.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the direction the story took. It was a bit suspenseful, but I could totally see this happening.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Eric. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Well, maybe the fishing will be good in here for a change." Jim said as he set up his pole.

MY SUGGESTION: Jim set up his pole. "Well, maybe the fishing will be good in here for a change."

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. You might be able to expand on them by tapping into the five senses. Show me how the fishing area smells with a few strategic sentences.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: beach lagoon setting.

This is something is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Eric

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He enjoys fishing and is naturally curious. He's a likable character. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. I liked how I was put into the story right away with the action of the characters placing the boat in the water. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
138
138
Review of Original Sin  
Review by StephB
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I'm StephB and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Seth is reunited with his first love on an island paradise, but...

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. The story came around full circle. Not only that, it cemented the title. Well done.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Seth. The last paragraph switches to omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. P

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Okay, this has got to be some kind of scam..." he muttered as he picked up the phone and dialed the number.

MY SUGGESTION: "Okay, this has got to be some kind of scam." Seth mumbled to himself. He picked up the phone and the dailed the number while shaking his head.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I especially liked: "Seth sat up gasping, fighting free of the cloying blanket." Great visual! If anything, I might suggest a few strategic sentences that tap into scent or touch when Seth gets to the island.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: beach/island setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Seth

There's enough to understand his motivation. His dreams inspire him to call the number on the postcard. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. A great read! Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
139
139
Review of The Wave  
Review by StephB
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, I'm StephB and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

An unnamed narrator becomes good friends with Tip, who shares a taxi with her.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the concept of the story.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the second person, using "you," with periodic shifts to the first person, using line breaks. Professional editors encourage the use of the first person and third person, past tense for storytelling. The tense here is the present most of the time but switches to past. I would suggest an edit for consistency. As a suggestion, I might tell this story in the first person, past tense for the entire story. This the point of view and tense are consistent. If you do an edit for this, I will re-rate the story higher.

*Star* DIALOGUE

The story is told through narration. There's no dialogue.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes.
*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: beach/island setting in Asia (Cambodian/Vietnamese border)

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Unnamed narrator

I would use dialogue to slip in the narrator's name. I think when you use first person, it will be easier for the reader to understand the internal conflict the main character feels. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I might suggest a minor edit for spelling. I would also suggest line spacing between paragraphs on writing.com so it's easier for the read to read.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening confused me since it was in the second person. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
140
140
Review of The Cabin  
Review by StephB
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I'm StephB and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Sara takes a chance on a secret, run down, big gust of wind will blow it over cabin.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. Hard work pays off and it paid off for Sara. The ending was rewarding for me as a reader.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Sara. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's no dialogue. The story is told through narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I especially liked the description of the cabin. Very visual. You could expand on the descriptions by tapping into the remaining five senses. I would recommend telling me what the cabin smells like.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: beach setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Sara

There's enough to understand her motivation. She wants to invest in herself but doesn't have much money to do so. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. A heartwarming story. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
141
141
Review of Mia  
Review by StephB
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I'm StephB and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Mia is saved by the Paul's father, but she harbors a secret...

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the story flowed. Before I knew it, was over.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person limited by Paul. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I especially liked: "I stared at the small oval face with the button nose and upward slanting eyes." -- nice visual with a good economy of words. The descriptions could be expanded by tapping into the five senses, especially smell.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: 1975
PLACE: coastal/beach setting.

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Paul

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to help Mia. His infatuation is well done. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. It wasn't clear to be that Uncle Al was following Paul and I had to re-read the part again until I picked up on "There was another boat far away" (which for the longest time I was confusing with the boat that followed Paul's boat, so I would make that clear that it's a separate boat. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
142
142
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Alex and Rebekkah travel to the beginning of time, not realizing what awaits them.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I enjoyed the creativity and imagination of the story.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited from Alex's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scene. I might suggest tapping into the five senses to really put me in the scene with the characters. What is the machine like? Does it smell warm and inviting, or cold and unsettling? Could you tap into a sense of touch? Hearing?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: future
PLACE: a time machine

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Alex

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to see what the beginning was like. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening needs engages the reader. The story is easy to read and well presented. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall March 2019 contest.

Coffee Cup 2007 Review signature
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Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (1.5)
*Note1* My review is meant to be honest, raw, and maybe a tad disrespectful in accordance with the Bard's Hall Cupid Slam guidelines. Remember 1 star is KING.

*Reading* THE POEM

Cupid takes out Santa's sleigh on Valentines Day and starts slinging his arrows...

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

Nice stupidity on the part of Cupid.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a quatrain poem with the 1st/2nd and 3rd/4th lines rythming.

*Star* MECHANICS

Spelling is okay. There is a lot punctuation for bad poetry, but the story is good. I have to mark "up" for the accurate punctuation. Sorry.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

A deliciously enjoyable tale of how the bees get their revenge on Cupid.

Reviewed by StephB in the Sandbox

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Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*Note1* My review is meant to be honest, raw, and maybe a tad disrespectful in accordance with the Bard's Hall Cupid Slam guidelines. Remember 1 star is KING.

*Reading* THE POEM

The author finds Cupid offensive and wants nothing to do with the stupid.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

Great descriptions! Also, I liked the rhythmic nature of the poem. Nice flow.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a free verse poem with internal rythmes. Well done.

*Star* MECHANICS

Spelling is okay. There is no punctuation, which accents the bad content.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

A deliciously enjoyable bad piece of cupid slam poetry. Well done!

Reviewed by StephB in the Sandbox

Coffee Cup 2007 Review signature }
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Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
*Note1* My review is meant to be honest, raw, and maybe a tad disrespectful in accordance with the Bard's Hall Cupid Slam guidelines. Remember 1 star is KING.

*Reading* THE POEM

Cupid did this couple no favors with his arrows.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

Only a few minutes is all that you need to leave you with VD or... (shiver) babies. Nice bad rhythms.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a quatrain poem with the 1st/3rd and 2nd/4th lines rythming.

*Star* MECHANICS

Spelling is okay. There is some punctuation, but only some, so that's good.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

A deliciously enjoyable bad piece of romantic poetry. Well done!

Reviewed by StephB in the Sandbox

Coffee Cup 2007 Review signature }
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146
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Aimee wants a pet, but Dad needs a little convincing, especially since she wants a giraffe.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

Aimee's adorable character shines through the dialogue.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited from Dad's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

As per the contest prompt, the story should be all dialogue with no dialogue tags. The challenge was to capture the essence of a young child asking for a pet.

Dialogue tags, when used, should be intended to identify the speaker only, for example, "she said," or "he said." Action, should be a separate sentence.

For example, as written: "What am I saying yes too?” I asked my smiling, little angle as she swayed back and forth.

I might suggest: "What am I saying yes to?" My smiling little girl swayed back and forth, her hands behind her back, her dimple melting my heart.


*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Aimee

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She's a sweet little girl who
just wants a pet to love. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any punctuation mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for spelling. Angel is spelled "angle." Also, I might suggest using "okay" in creative writing, and using "OK" when using it in a journalistic style.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions listed above. Dad is lucky to have a sweet girl like Aimee. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
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Review of Jean's Son  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Ron writes a heartfelt letter to his mom while he recovers from injuries.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. It was very heartfelt and uplifting.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Is there anything else I can get you?" asked Sarah as she draped a tartan blanket over Jean's knees.

MY SUGGESTION: Sarah draped a tartan blanket over Jean's knees. "Is there anything else I can get you?"

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I might suggest taping into the five senses to heighten the description.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Ron

There's enough here to understand his motivations. His injury has allowed him to explore his relationships with his family members. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The letter sounds very formal. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
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Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Sarah, a solider, might not make it home in time for Christmas due to her patrol being shot at.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the tone of Sarah's letters. They felt honest and real, and captured the character's voice well. I also like that the focus of the story was on a female solider. It was a nice spin on the prompt.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I might suggest taping into the five senses to heighten the description.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Sarah

There's enough here to understand her motivations and her concern for family. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. The story follows the prompt well. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
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Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Max, a military dog, pens a letter heartfelt letter to Santa.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the title. It was a perfect fit for the story. Having Max, a dog, be the focus of the story was a nice spin on the prompt.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscient. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Whoa!" the Colonel shouted, but it was too late. Max had been listening to them for a while.

MY SUGGESTION: Max's tail wagged uncontrollably and he barreled into the Colonel. "Whoa!" Colonel ________ reached down and offered Max a hearty pat on the back.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I might suggest taping into the five senses to heighten the description.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Max

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's a dog who wants to be with his family. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. I might suggest adding a glossary to explain some of the military terms used. The opening engages the reader. The author did a nice job with the letter. I felt like I was reading a letter. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
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Review of A Christmas Story  
Review by StephB
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Zeke is in the Army and can't come home for Christmas, but his family might have a special gift for him.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. It was very heartfelt and uplifting.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscient. I might suggest a line break before "Christmas dinner at the Hendersons...", to make the POV shift easier for the reader. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "What's up? Anything?" Aikens asked through his gloved hand.

MY SUGGESTION: Aikens covered his mouth with his gloved hand. "What's up? Anything?"

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I might suggest taping into the five senses to heighten the description.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Zeke

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's very honorable and even though he misses his family, he'll do his duty. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The author did a great job with the letter. It captured character voice well and it felt like I was reading a letter. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. The entry followed the contest rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

Glowing Steph
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