I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Invalid Item" .
What can be changed:
In the third paragraph, the third sentence is a repeat of the second.
My home is my domain, I could measure the house in steps from any object to any wall, sideways or diagonally. My home is my domain, I could measure the house in steps from any object to any wall, sideways or diagonally.
In fourth sentence of the same paragraph, orange is misspelled.
glass of oreange juice
In the last paragraph, second to last sentence, I believe woman should be plural.
Besides, woman love a guy in Ray-Ban sunglasses
My Likes:
The optimistic tone could be felt clearly throughout the piece. In collaboration with the words being read it adds to the effect of one who has accepted and is content with himself.
Overall Thoughts:
I find it odd that the character gave up coffee because of the incident mentioned. Was tea also given up due to the damage it too can cause if spilled?
For entering "Invalid Item" and sharing your piece, thank you.
Write On!
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My Likes:
The story told is certainly an interesting one, and the frustration of the Freddy in his predicament could be felt throughoout.
Changes which can be made:
The last sentence, seemed a bit different from the voice in the body of the letter. The persona in that sentence seemed less educated than the author of the letter which it ends. Also the point of view chages to third person at the end.
Remember me to young Freddy, he has always been the apple of his father's eye and please do your utmost to prevent him becoming a soldier.
The flow of your piece was quite smooth. The expression was clear adding to the effect of the visual and the descriptions of tone-deaf renditions of this Musical Monster in action.
“The Monster Mash”was the perfect note to end with.
Write On!
Happy New Year!
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It seems to me that the tone changes in the last line. It was grasped that the He in the piece was the wanderer. For that reason, the last line can be removed without disturbing the piece and the understanding of the piece.
My Likes:
The flow of the poem is smooth and the expression, clear.
I was drawn to the eleventh line:
Clouds start to boil around his feet
Write On!
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I believe a colon could be inserted after socks, in the fifth line.
My Likes:
The usage of the literary devices; simile, metaphor, imagery, personification added to the playfulness of this poem and is quite commendable. The format also made it easier to read and seemed to give a lighter tone.
Write On!
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This is the first of ten reviews, being done on the behalf of your Secret Pal.
The Plot:
A eighty, an elderly man finds it hard to move around his home and is gifted with a robot by his son. He finds it a bit troublesome operating the machine, even after being a mechanic in his earlier days. He finally gives and order which the robot 'computes' and learns the importance of being specific.
violet
My Likes:
I was quite interested throughout the piece. The end was shocking and amusing.
Changes which can be made:
There seems to be an extra space after, Mr Bigley, so that the remainder of the first sentence is on a different line.
In the third paragraph the years is capitalize, for emphasis, but I believe that the point of his long term acquaintance with machinery can be brought out by specifying the time. Two years is still referred to as years. If the word decade was used it would add to the belief in his experience.
Oddly I don't think it would only be his arms only hurting for days. Also being such an elderly person, I think Herbert would have been left with a little injury.
The opinion above is entirely my own. Feel free to take what is needed and discard that which remains.
In the fourth line of the third verse would flow more smoothly if into were exchanged for in.
My Likes:
The imagery used was quite strong and really wrapped me up in the scene painted by the poem.
My Favorite part:
Let her into your life and she’ll alleviate your pain.
In her loving wings all misery is cast aside.
Her sparkling blue eyes shine like diamonds
as she wraps you into her arms to ease the heartache.
Good Job!
Write On!
Happy New Year!
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I believe a bit of formatting can be done. The sentences are broken at odd intervals.
He likes
these one dish meals. I hate them. Once I got mad at him and yelled, "Henry didn't mind eating the kind of meals I cooked." He gave me this
funny look, and said, "But Penny, Henry died of clogged arteries."
I think a laugh emoticon ( = {e:laugh}) would work beter than the laughing out loud abbreviated internet slang, especially for the readers who are unaware of the meaning, though they might be the minority.
My Likes:
I got a good laugh out of this...and I've had a couple of these senior moments too!
Thanks for sharing!
Write On!
Happy New Year!
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Write a poem in under 10 lines that means something. Get a good point across, state a belief that's close to your heart. It doesn't matter what kind of poem it is.
You did a good job following the given prompt.
Overall Thought:
Your piece makes an interesting point, which made me stop and think.
Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.
Write a poem in under 10 lines that means something. Get a good point across, state a belief that's close to your heart. It doesn't matter what kind of poem it is.
You did a good job following the given prompt.
What I liked:
The use of rhyme added to the flow of the poem, while the metaphors strengthened the point being brought forth.
Changes which can be made:
In some areas the wording is awkward, subtracting from the flow and strength of the poem and the point being brought across.
A heart appears pointless to try healing
In the ninth line more or left can be removed.
You let me know I'd have no more innocence left
Overall Thoughts:
I'm going to go out on the limb, take this at face value and say it's referring to the world which literature creates, wrapping the reader within itself, infiltrating every thought, controlling every emotion until its subject loses self.
Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.
I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Invalid Item" .
The Prompt:
You did a good job following the given picture prompt.
What I liked:
The story progressed well.
Changes which can be made:
There should be a space between paragraphs ten and eleven.
Frieda crept back to her friends and told them what she saw and heard. All three were horrified that the boys would be so evil as to plot and cause trouble at the Harvest ball. Lalu said, “we must go tell the council about this and see what they will do.” The three fairies set off, now feeling no joy for the coming Harvest Ball.
The expression in this piece hinder the effectiveness of the story. Some words could be eliminated to strengthen the storytelling.
Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.
I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Invalid Item" .
The Prompt:
You did a good job following the given picture prompt.
What I liked:
The attitudes and atmosphere of the character and setting were brought across well.
I couldn't help but think of basketball, when reading the first scene and I thought it was quite interesting and captivating.
Using their glow to should the change in emotion and well being was also a nice touch. Along with the emphasis of their size, the piece gave the effect of spying which more it more captivating.
Changes which can be made:
There are several words throughout the piece, which can be remove without changing the damaging the story.
Two examples of this are, right in the fist paragraph, second sentence and straight in the fifth paragraph, third sentence.
Reference is made to Sezar's Oh-oh, who said this when he realized they had been caught. The reference made is not linked to the scene and subtracts rather than adds to the piece.
Take what is needed and discard the remainder.
Always remember to include the word count for your piece.
I quite frankly dislike the use of the word diss. I know it rhymes perfectly with this in the above line. But it breaks away from the flow of the English being used, changing from standard English to slang.
My Likes:
The lightness of it's beginning sets the mellow tone for the rest of the poem.
That first meaning of manipulation is truly funny, when compared to that of today.
I was drawn to the the last two lines due to the use of complaint and compliant. It amused me.
Those endless "put-downs" if not compliant,
as for me, of husband #2 I have no complaint!
Write On!
Happy New Year!
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In verses seven and eight I felt there was some rambling and though there was rhyming, this section lost its poetic tone. But it did not hamper the poem much.
My Likes:
I've always wondered the same. Always coming up with hate, and then I begin questioning what could cause such a deep hatred, for another human being.
The phrase making murder an art puts the actions, and mentality into perspective. It shows how man seems to enjoy, revel in such things.
The repetition of the first verse as the last was a good end, which begs the reader to continue pondering on what has been read.
I was pleased by the examples used which made the poem become more realistic in the mind. Informed reader who were unaware, pulled the memory from those who were, withdrew the emotions of both groups, and heightened the understanding.
Please take what is needed and discard the unnecessary! Write On!
Happy New Year!
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The message of Him caring us and loving us enough to watch is brought across perfectly. Along with that is the clarity of the second message that we should draw near to Him for he is our only hope.
Your poem brings across the above points without blunder and with a tone of reverence.
Write On!
Happy New Year!
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I like the metaphor (of the buffalo). As usual, it added to the poem. The first and last verses held my attention. The imagery was very vivid, which made the piece even easier to comprehend.
The passion and care of a writer was clearly brought forth in the fourth verse. (Yes carve him down...horns held gentle in thy hand)
Your six verse quatrain rang the praise of storyteller and storytelling and did so well.
I liked it. Except for the parts mentioned below (which might have been my sly mind's flaw) everything was perfect.
I should also state that I understand that this is a recollection which makes it even better since memory and not imagination is being relied upon.
It was inspiring to read, and must've been exciting to live.
Changes which can be made:
I'm slightly confused by the following paragraph:
My in-laws arrived at our home in Maryland from California for Christmas. I came home from the hospital two days after Jaimie's birth and left her on a table under heat lamps and the influence of phenobarbitol to decrease chances of more seizures. Dazed, I barely realized when my in-laws returned to their home. Two weeks after her birth, we brought our angel home, not knowing whether being placed in our care was a blessing or a curse for all of us.
Was the babe taken home twice or was that part an error?
For some reason I think this part can be explained further and being so close together (the response of the grandfathers and the great grandmother) is a bit confusing.
Thank you so much for sharing, Michelle!
Write On!
Happy New Year!
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= {e:laugh}) would work beter than the laughing out loud abbreviated internet slang, especially for the readers who are unaware of the meaning, though they might be the minority.
