*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Get it for
Apple iOS.
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sherri
Review Requests: OFF
44 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Broken Wings  
Review by Dragon Skies
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Kym,

Please keep in mind that we are not professional reviewers. We only offer suggestions that we hope will help with your writing. Thank you.

This review comes from Showering Acts of Joy! in conjunction with your gift.

Initial Response:
My dear, your poetry in as painful as it is beautiful and honest. The speaker (yourself) has a dual representation of a child and an angel, both the ultimate in innocence and perfection, who is broken and left to put all the pieces back to together.

What this piece has going for it:
This piece helps the reader envision the painful and bewildering life of this angel's living hell while using both imagery and blunt phrasing. Very nicely written, Kym.

Suggestions:
There are a couple places where I questioned the flow of the poem, where the meter is off...

The fourth line of the first stanza..."trying hard so she won’t cry." may sound better as "trying hard not to cry."
The fourth line of the second stanza... I would omit "really".
The final stanza is a bit awkward...the second line I think should read ... a war she knows is done. This would give the sense that the angel has it creeping up on her.

This is a gorgeous piece of work. I can tell you have done a lot of work on it.

Thank you so much for sharing your work.
Sherri

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
2
2
Review of Never Far Away  
Review by Dragon Skies
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Kym.
Please keep in mind that we are not professional reviewers. We only offer suggestions that we hope will help with your writing. Thank you.

This review comes from Showering Acts of Joy!

Initial Response:
I have had the opportunity to read your poem "Never Far Away" and would like to share my impressions. This is really a beautiful and inspirational poem about a woman who loses her son only a few days from birth. Instead of wallowing in self pity or angering in pain she finds courage and solace in the locket a woman gives her "for her memories."

What this piece has going for it:
Very nicely written. Smooth reading. Nice introduction in the first few lines, very poetic. Your rhyme and rhythm schemes carry nicely throughout the poem.

Suggestions:

"I was he static and overjoyed." Typo - ecstatic.

Thank you so much for sharing your work. This is truly a beautiful piece.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
3
3
Review by Dragon Skies
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Cerulean Son,

Please keep in mind that we are not professional reviewers. We only offer suggestions that we hope will help with your writing. Thank you.

This review comes from Showering Acts of Joy!

Initial Response:
I had the opportunity to read your short story "A Guest for Thanksgiving" and I would like to share my thoughts with you. I really enjoyed reading from the point of view of a fifth grader as she goes through the day, helping ready the table for the holiday meal, ready herself and great their unusual guest. This story is a reminder of what Thanksgiving represents and the settlers who had their first feast with the natives. Very cool.

What this piece has going for it:
This story is very entertaining. It is very honest as we watch and 'talk' with (what we assume) is a school friend of the main character. It adds a great deal of warmth to the character.

Suggestions:
Although, I did not find actual errors in the grammar there are some areas where the structure of the sentence makes the read awkward.

"The good china’s over here, in Mom’s cabinet, that she got from her Grandma. Give me a hand, would you? Here, just put one of these plates on every place mat. I’ll follow behind you with the soup bowls; they go on top of the plates. Thanks."

I realize that the syntax that kids use these days is a bit wild, however, this particular line is awkward. I think that I would break it up differently. Maybe a period after cabinet and then, "She got those from Grandma."
There are a few places like that in the story. Other than that, I think it is great. The ending is ... cute.

Thank you so much for sharing your work.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
4
4
Review by Dragon Skies
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Please keep in mind that the suggestions provided in this review are just that, suggestions. If they help you in your journey as a writer, wonderful. If not, then please disregard.

Hello Wenston.

I have enjoyed your short story "When Momma Said Grace" and thought I would let you know my impressions of it.

You have crafted a wonderful folksy feeling throughout this story. Although not the same type of story, it is similar to the feeling as you read from Scout's POV in the novel "To Kill a Mockingbird."
Your short story tells of a child's impressions of her life as it suddenly changes when her unemployed father absents himself from the family. Her mother in turn tries to ensure that the two children will not grow up like their father.
Suggestions:
Really, I love how the first part of the story is crafted, but the last portion leaves me with the feeling of a child preaching. I think the reason I feel this way is that all the action and changes occurring are as a reflection where as the rest of the story is more present in tense. If it were my work, I would incorporate the change in the focus of the story a little differently. You know how the movie "Stand By Me" is a reflection of the past triggered by the reading of a newspaper article. Maybe something similar to that type of movement. It might help to bring in some dialogue to remove the preachy feeling of the last few paragraphs.
But I do love how you have built the character of Gracie up and the relationships of her family. That is truly exceptional.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Sherri
5
5
Review by Dragon Skies
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This review provides suggestions which you may or may not be inclined to use. Please take what you see fit and disregard the rest.

Winnie,
I had the opportunity to read your short story today and would like to share my observations with you.
"Where Did Mama Go?" is a beautifully written heart wrenching story of a family who is loosing their mother. It is always painful to watch a loved one drift away from us, watching them grasp at the straws of the past and not being able to help make a connection. Your story is very fluid and a reader cannot help but to build an attachment for this lady whom we have never meet. I cried at the end.

A few observations:

"clean wooden floor against any morsels which may fall his way." ... should probably read // cleaning the wooden floor against.....
Another item you may want to look at is at the first couple of paragraphs of the second section. In one paragraph you say that you, the twins, and your baby brother and sister had families of your own but in the next paragraph you say that you and your older brother didn't have families and sold your homes and bought a home with your mother. If you simply qualify the statement in the second paragraph to say you don't have families living at home, or something like that, it should clear it up.
Thank you for sharing your lovely short story with us.
Take care,
Sherri
6
6
Review by Dragon Skies
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please keep in mind, these are only suggestions meant to help you.
Hello Ozhan,

I came across your short story to day and wanted to take the time to review it for you.
This is a nicely written piece. It flows nicely and the story movement is coherent. It is also a very interesting topic to write about. Children leave home every day, and most would return when a parent or were deteriorating. This gentleman's son has not. He has lost all connections with his roots, even though his public relations person states the platform of his political policies revolves around family. Makes you wonder who's family they are promoting. (Not to mention, she is trying to blackmail or bribe this father to be discrete about their joint heritage.) I feel like tell the old man "Good for you" as he continues on his own priorities.
I didn't see any grammatical errors. And the story is well put together.
The only thing I would like to see is a more developed plot. One of the things a reader is left wondering is, "What precipitated this rift." Maybe you could bring in a description of the childhood the father provided. Was the father gone so there was little substance to their relationship. Things like that.
Thank you for sharing your short story "Cross Breeding Lilies" (it has a wonderful title.) I enjoyed reading it.
Sherri
7
7
Review of REPOSE  
Review by Dragon Skies
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Miss Nancy,
I took your invitation to heart and started shuffling through your port and found one I would like to review. "Repose" is a gorgeous poem, providing much to think about as we wander on our life paths.
This poem is wonderful. It is most thought provoking as it leads you down the river which is truly a vehicle for reflecting on life and living. The wisdom of the poem is a painful reminder of all we go through (whether or not by choice) and how each element impacts us in different ways, small or life defining. We do stumble around in the dark much of the time and hope teases at us like an empty promise just out of reach. I like how each stanza is developed by picking up a thread from the one before (much like a tributary feeds back into the river.) And your word choice is concise and encourages an emotional attachment to the poem.
Loved it!
Don't see anything that I would change. Your imagery is consistent and comprehensive. And the poem is very readable. I did not feel any stumbling blocks in reading aloud.
Thank you for sharing.
Sherri
8
8
Review by Dragon Skies
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Nancy,

Not quite sure how to review a forum. I think this is a wonderful idea. I find that there are a lot of "fluffy" reviews out there and I try not to provide any of them. We can look at your reviews and understand the value of your opinion.
I also like how you mention what you look at and for in the work you review. That provides a guide for us to consider when we are writing on our own.

Sherri
9
9
Review by Dragon Skies
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Kym,
This is a review from the Rockin' Review board.
We almost need a secondary rating system for topics. You write on such difficult ones (and you handle them so well), that the one in place doesn't seem sufficient. This poem is further along in development than "Violent Times" but it has some of the same concerns. Using "can't" rather than "cannot" continually alters the rhythm of the piece. You also have some areas that are awkward while you make the rhyme scheme work, the phrasing holds us up.
An example would be in the first stanza where you have one phrase ending in "Does" and the following phrase begins with the same word.
Also, the phrasing "make them pay" appears twice. I have always felt that you should try not to use similar phrasing unless it is a constant throughout the poem.
Another concern, the third stanza from the last, you drop the rhyming scheme that you have created.
These are just a few things to think about. I love the powerful ending you create and there are several stanzas that are just awesome the way you stated them.
Take care and let me know if you rework it.
S
10
10
Review of Grandfather  
Review by Dragon Skies
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Eric,
I have really enjoyed your short story and the description line challenges the reader. I always find these types of stories to be intriguing to say the least. And yours shows a great deal of creativity. The characters are well developed and believable. I love Sasha's character. She is the type of character that has a love-hate relationship with the world.
There were a few (very few) concerns that I had while reading "Grandfather."
..."forcing the flow of our fellow students to split in two"...I know what is happening but as you read it the imagine is not good. You may want to reword it.
..."prior misad-ventures"...is this a typo? misadventures
..."L put my hands up and made stopping motions." This is awkward. maybe try... I put my hands up, motioning her to stop.
I was a bit confused as the two were riding to meet Grandfather. Is the city settlement in a cave? Because it sounds like we are going from one cave into another and there isn't any mention of caves or tunnels before that.
Very nicely written. I will need to read some more of you short stories.
Hope this helps!
S
11
11
Review by Dragon Skies
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello linggy.
I read your essay today. Very interesting and has a great deal of strength. I had a Liberal Arts class in college and this is similar to what we would have written. It is very well thought out and you do a wonderful job of building your "case" however, there are a few areas that need some work.
Grammar looks good. I would reconsider the phrasing. You have all these short paragraphs and it makes it awkward to read it.
One of the things that I would consider working on, is selecting a specific emotion you want to play on. You are discussing and challenging a very real topic that many would be enraged by, you need to equal that by remaining scientific and distant, developing your case without the jabs at historical fallacies (ie War, Nazi camps...) or you would need to develop the emotional controversy which would include the description of a world without starving children and third world countries where the future dies daily with each death...but one or the other because you have elements of both.
Once that has been determined and worked, you may want to omit the words "option one, option two" and just develop the paragraphs.
All in all a good read. I would like to review it again later. This could develop into a very "edgy" piece.
Thanks for sharing.
11 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sherri