Hammers. Each tumult has a masculine overtone. Yet the apparent elegance of ethereal transience dilutes 'his' egotistical presence as 'she' is reminding him that beauty is ephemeral a concept. She must know what it is 'he' desires. Lust, the concept of belonging 'her' questions need specifics. Though of course the 'act' does make her feel alive, one taste, one touch is never enough, this is a mater of appetite rather than art.
Shadows and strategy. Recognising subtlety of darkness, shadows, bleakness, Obsidian reflection of lustred black are differentiated qualities of something that the ego prevents the average person from allowing into conscious though. Reason being death and inevitability.
Minute has a play in pronunciation thus centre in on concept as the author has the last word of what was the lovers most lasting impression.
This doesn't read easy. First person private dick caper with a small arm focus hmm done to death? Well the jury is out. It ends with the detective shooting someone. With some fine tuning this could be a strong chapter.
Personally for me if this is novel material as opposed to a screenplay then certain detail needs to be immediately addressed. The investigator has been shot yet there is absolutely no reference to his emotions. For example tired, in pain, felt like sh*t, headache. Okay it could be argued he is a total 'hardcase' although I find that difficult to believe as clearly he has not been developed as such. More of a cuddly ex footballer I'm afraid with a gammy leg.
All that garble surrounding investigating computer fraud is far from enthralling. I wanna know how angry he is, what he's having for breakfast if isn't the testicles of the perpetrator, poached, mashed or sunny side up.
'A short blonde, blue-eyed candy stripper' is an effort at observational writing though not quite sure what it means. Does she remind you of someone who strips candy? or do you mean: A short blond, blue-eyed eye-candy stripper type? Devil is in the detail. These are but a couple of examples of where this piece can pick up momentum.
In any case for teenage audience just a little fine tuning, breaking dense segments, introducing more dialogue, some more inner monologue of the central protagonist would help this piece immensely.
In general description could be made more satirical, sarcastic, ironic or comedic otherwise chapter two would be a mountain to climb.
I am so glad you are a sister of mercy. This is metaphor of platonic love. This sounds like basically Christian metaphor. Though seduction creeps in through 'secret'. Secret connotes forbidden even taboo aspects of attraction. Mine is not to judge thus I can only say that this piece has an air adventurous danger of being found out, excitedly frolics with forbidden desire. The verse is very plain language with repetition on 'house of love' carrying the piece to conclusion. Decidedly average.
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