|This doesn't read easy. First person private dick caper with a small arm focus hmm done to death? Well the jury is out. It ends with the detective shooting someone. With some fine tuning this could be a strong chapter.
Personally for me if this is novel material as opposed to a screenplay then certain detail needs to be immediately addressed. The investigator has been shot yet there is absolutely no reference to his emotions. For example tired, in pain, felt like sh*t, headache. Okay it could be argued he is a total 'hardcase' although I find that difficult to believe as clearly he has not been developed as such. More of a cuddly ex footballer I'm afraid with a gammy leg.
All that garble surrounding investigating computer fraud is far from enthralling. I wanna know how angry he is, what he's having for breakfast if isn't the testicles of the perpetrator, poached, mashed or sunny side up.
'A short blonde, blue-eyed candy stripper' is an effort at observational writing though not quite sure what it means. Does she remind you of someone who strips candy? or do you mean: A short blond, blue-eyed eye-candy stripper type? Devil is in the detail. These are but a couple of examples of where this piece can pick up momentum.
In any case for teenage audience just a little fine tuning, breaking dense segments, introducing more dialogue, some more inner monologue of the central protagonist would help this piece immensely.
In general description could be made more satirical, sarcastic, ironic or comedic otherwise chapter two would be a mountain to climb.