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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shindighero
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10 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Ethereal Love  
Review by Mason Gray
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hammers. Each tumult has a masculine overtone. Yet the apparent elegance of ethereal transience dilutes 'his' egotistical presence as 'she' is reminding him that beauty is ephemeral a concept. She must know what it is 'he' desires. Lust, the concept of belonging 'her' questions need specifics. Though of course the 'act' does make her feel alive, one taste, one touch is never enough, this is a mater of appetite rather than art.

Shadows and strategy. Recognising subtlety of darkness, shadows, bleakness, Obsidian reflection of lustred black are differentiated qualities of something that the ego prevents the average person from allowing into conscious though. Reason being death and inevitability.

Minute has a play in pronunciation thus centre in on concept as the author has the last word of what was the lovers most lasting impression.

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Review of Nocturnal Dreams  
Review by Mason Gray
Rated: E | (3.0)
Genuinely. for what it's worth. This would receive rapturous applause in any English speaking audience. Massive change from the other stuff I read by you. No this is good.
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Review by Mason Gray
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This doesn't read easy. First person private dick caper with a small arm focus hmm done to death? Well the jury is out. It ends with the detective shooting someone. With some fine tuning this could be a strong chapter.

Personally for me if this is novel material as opposed to a screenplay then certain detail needs to be immediately addressed. The investigator has been shot yet there is absolutely no reference to his emotions. For example tired, in pain, felt like sh*t, headache. Okay it could be argued he is a total 'hardcase' although I find that difficult to believe as clearly he has not been developed as such. More of a cuddly ex footballer I'm afraid with a gammy leg.

All that garble surrounding investigating computer fraud is far from enthralling. I wanna know how angry he is, what he's having for breakfast if isn't the testicles of the perpetrator, poached, mashed or sunny side up.

'A short blonde, blue-eyed candy stripper' is an effort at observational writing though not quite sure what it means. Does she remind you of someone who strips candy? or do you mean: A short blond, blue-eyed eye-candy stripper type? Devil is in the detail. These are but a couple of examples of where this piece can pick up momentum.

In any case for teenage audience just a little fine tuning, breaking dense segments, introducing more dialogue, some more inner monologue of the central protagonist would help this piece immensely.

In general description could be made more satirical, sarcastic, ironic or comedic otherwise chapter two would be a mountain to climb.

4
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Review of House of Love  
Review by Mason Gray
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I am so glad you are a sister of mercy. This is metaphor of platonic love. This sounds like basically Christian metaphor. Though seduction creeps in through 'secret'. Secret connotes forbidden even taboo aspects of attraction. Mine is not to judge thus I can only say that this piece has an air adventurous danger of being found out, excitedly frolics with forbidden desire. The verse is very plain language with repetition on 'house of love' carrying the piece to conclusion. Decidedly average.
5
5
Review by Mason Gray
Rated: E | (2.0)
This is more like it. Failed economy. Botched lobotomy rocks. This reads like a poem. Bullet pointing is a little curious. In any case the build of abject misery with the returning veteran metaphor is quite clever. In balance pent up social tension unleashed as poetry is difficult to pull off. I do not believe it has been executed to excellent effect here. Imagery does paint a vivid picture of social decline yet falls short of impact. For example if you had mentioned society peering over a beheaded corpse indifferent as it sells Apple with chunks missing that is a statement. Being clever with societal symbolism is an unenviable task. It is difficult, it is lost in translation more often than gaining a receptive audience.

However the point is that the attentive audience is not the means but actually the end. 'Pretentious, f***s, suck it up' is not short of impact yet as a parting salvo has a political effect of disconnecting audiences rather than engendering affirmation with your views. That is not to say that you are in any way shape or form looking for agreement yet normally writing reaches out for 'mind mindedness' that is people of like mind while saying things in an original impactful and interesting way that is both intelligent as well as innovative and modern. Otherwise you would not write it.
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Review of Jack got off Easy  
Review by Mason Gray
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Aha Gangster rap. Who said Gangster rap died with Big, Pac and jam Master Jay?

The rap game has moved on for me, though. Hateristic sadistic wid yo chic is so prehistoric it belongs in museums with dinosaur bones groans and as much stick as all sh*t gathering dust bemoans. As far as rhyme structure goes it flows, and connects though its more old school than T rex. I mean the game into the 21st century has changed. Rappers do sing song like Pharrel 'like a room without a roof' HAPPY. By stark contrast this piece is miserable like a filled room with a roof but no windows where more than one person has flatulence. Not sugar coating it, basically it stinks. Don't want to deflate the old ego pointlessly though.

Constructively if some studio jumped on this. Set it of to decent beats and melody. Handed the lyrics to new up and coming MC. It could reach top five in a specialist rap chart. Erm...the hating-on-brothers-from-other-mothers top ten in Missouri. Point is there might well be a market for this writing however for me given the structured function of a random review, I have found the content pointlessly offensive, clichéd, run-of-the-mill uninteresting. No hating. Just matter of fact. Her treat might be a bracelet, ice of course matching that big rock on that engagement ring.
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