I'm reviewing you today courtesy of WDC Frontliners and The Angel Army.
I liked the idea of this story, but it needs work for the piece to have what readers will want to keep them interested in reading further.
Here are some suggestions to help your story.
It was Sunday night; I was not on my duty when I saw three men wearing black in a dark alley. I hid behind one of the buildings and heard them say something but was not close enough all I heard was drugs and cats.
I would add a little dialogue between the three men about the drugs and cats instead of just telling the fact.
They left the alley and tossed a black plastic bag behind them. I stared at the bag after they left then decided to see what was inside. I found black powder looked like another kind of drugs. I smelled and tasted it but it didn’t taste like any kind of drugs I knew.
Instead of just stating that your MC decided to see what was inside, show it by having your character picking up the bag, examining it, ect. Use another appeared instead of looked in the third sentence. A comma is needed in the last sentence after it.
I took it with me hoping to I send it to the lab the following day. I worked as a police captain so it was easy for me to send such things to the lab. I looked at the three men but they were already gone, no sign of them.
A comma is needed after captain in the second sentence. I would also reword the last sentence something like this, "I searched for the three men, but they had left the scene without a trace."
I went home thinking of what could be the case of the black powder and the three men, but I was unable to figure it out.
Expand on this paragraph, perhaps have your character examing the bag or maybe writing down what he knows about the three men. Show him really pondering over this instead of just stating it.
I woke up the other day, feeling uncomfortable with my body, I kept scratching as if I am having an itch, I couldn’t stop then I realized I have white hair all over me like fur. I jumped off the bed, to see what was going on. I looked at the mirror to see that I have transformed in to a cat with a human brain, two legs, two hands, fur, claws and fleas. My body shape has changed but I was able to walk on two legs, my body size didn’t change, just my appearance.
This paragraph doesn't transition well from the last paragraph. It seems a little disjointed, however, you show how his appearance has changed rather well. Rewording the first sentence should fix the transition problem. Use another word for looked too. A comma is needed after changed in the last sentence. I don't think you need just my appearance at the end of the last sentence because the reader will understand that only his appearance changed.
I decided not go to work that day cannot go like this. At eleven o’clock the telephone rang, I picked up and a meow came out. I am meowing great, my new ability. A cat with a meowing ability and a human brain, I have to find those men and get a cure for this. I thought. The man on the Phone was Randy a police inspector, he sounded surprised to hear the meow.
I would drop "I thought." It isn't needed here. The word phone in the last sentence does not need to be capitalized. Instead of just stating that Randy was surprised to hear the meow, have him actually responding by asking about the meow.
Inspector Randy changed his tone “fine, Joseph I will be there in a minute.” he hanged up.
Fine should be captialized. Hanged should be hung.
Coming where? I thought scratching my head. After few minutes the door bell rang. Ops the inspector, could it be? What am I going to do now? I thought while I was trying to open the door. It was hard with these new hands with claws in them; I could only hear the scratch.
A comma is needed after minutes in the third sentence. Change the next sentence to "Could it be the inspector?" Change the sixith sentence to "I tried to open the door." This will elminate the passive voice.
I was trying to open the door, I was not thinking of what Randy was saying. I opened the door and Randy looked stunned “what happened to you? You became Captain Claw instead.”
Reword the begining of the paragraph. "I tried to open the door again not thinking of what Randy was saying." This eliminates another usage of passive voice. A comma is needed after door in the following sentence. Also, instead of just stating that Randy looked stunned. Show how he looked stunned. Was Randy staring at him wide-eyed, was his eyebrows raised, ect.
I scratched my head and looked at him “I think now you know why I cannot come to the station today.”
Use another word for looked. Drop the first I in the dialogue. When writing dialogue spoken by a male character, trim the use of I because men don't speak using I as much as a female does. Also change cannot to can't since most people speak using contractions.
I looked at him with a sad face and anger “what do you want? What is the emergency?”
Describe how his face looked instead of just stating it.
Randy started to look serious “we found a new kind of drug yesterday, black powder. It was smuggled here by three men, they were reported dangerous.”
Show how his face looked serious. Capitalize the first we.
Randy looked at me strangely and asked “How?”
Drop the adverb. How did Randy look strange? Drop and ask. It's obvious that a question is being asked from the question mark.
Randy looked at me, trying to avoid eye contact and said “well, the bad news is there is no cure for your condition” Randy looked at me in the eyes and blinked twice then said “but the good news is we caught them.”
You use looked at me twice in this paragraph. Try not to use the same phrase twice in a paragraph. Drop then said from the last sentence. It isn't needed.
I put my face in my hands and wondered “How can I go to work now?”
Drop and wondered. It's obvious the character is wondering about this from the dialogue.
This ending also needs a little more. It falls a little flat. Maybe have your MC solving a case in his new form instead of just stating it.
I hope this review helps. I will be more than happy to review this again if you decide to make changes.
Sister of Mercy
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