|Hello Shawn Odette . I just finished reading your piece Mr. Walters Catches a Demon and thought I'd offer my two cents worth on behalf of the PDG Reviewers Group. Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.
The Plot- Yikes, what a roller coaster ride! I spent the whole story waiting and hoping for the demon to appear, and as the story was coming to an end, I began to fear that it wasn't going to show up. But then, at the eleventh hour, the demon appeared, and I could breathe again. It seems odd to be hoping for a demon, but the alternative in this context would have been almost too shocking! Great job on bringing the reader to the very brink!
The Characters- Than main character Mr. Walters is quite well fleshed out considering the brevity of the story. You were able to explore some of his physical traits, his memories, thoughts and even certain mundane actions such as the care with with he sets down his coffee or adjusting his hearing aid. These all combine together to make a full and believable character.
The other is the girl/demon. You've made for a sympathetic character in her with physical description and her pleas for help. The fact I felt pity for her shows how convincing you were able to make her as a victim without giving away a hint of her true colours...until the very end.
The Imagery- The story is full of wonderful (and disturbing) imagery that really brings the story to life. From the opening description of Mr. Waters enjoying his cup of coffee to the demon's fiery demise, and all points in between, you've painted a very vivid picture for the reader to enjoy.
Errors?- I found a few little minor details that grabbed my attention.
- In the fifth paragraph, there's a line that goes... his wife made years, perhaps more than a decade ago now that he thinks about it, ago. The double use of the word "ago" seems a little clunky. Maybe if you left out one of them and wrapped the whole thing in parentheses it would work a bit better? Something like...his wife made years (perhaps more than a decade, now that he thinks about it) ago.
- In the sixth paragraph, there's a line that goes... Mr. Walters was amazed at how quickly this one was to take down. I feel it would sound better as... how quickly this one was taken down.
- In the seventh paragraph, "Well, well," said Mr. Walters, "what do you have to say for yourself"? I'm no expert on quotation marks, but I'm pretty sure if there's a break in the dialogue, you resume with an uppercase. So even though it technically follows a comma, the word What should be capitalized.
- And in the thirteenth paragraph, and asked for their wives, husbands, boyfriend, girlfriends, sibling, and such. I believe it should be siblings.
Overall Impression- I really enjoyed the well articulated and unsettling feel to this story. I ran the gamut of emotions on this one. The bulk of the story had me feeling disturbed and almost repulsed, which made the story's conclusion and Mr. Walters reaction to said conclusion seem almost comedic by comparison. Fantastic job!
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