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Review of Earthquake  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jay O'Toole . I just finished reading your piece Earthquake and thought I'd offer my two cents worth.Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.



The Plot- It's my understanding that this is just the beginning of a much larger story, and as such, I see a lot of potential for where the story can go. The beginning seemed like a simple "lost, helpless creature" type of story, but towards the end, with the appearance of the mysterious, misty portal you've opened up a world where literally anything can happen. Certainly a good start!


The Characters- The two we've met (thus far) are Quest and his father Casa. Seeing as how both of them are bears, it was nice that you didn't spend a whole lot of time describing their physical features. After all, most bears look alike to this reviewer. However, by using inner dialogue and exploring their thoughts, you've created a pair with whom the reader feels some sympathy. What we wind up with is a curious and optimistic young bear and his concerned father who are surprisingly believable, given that they're bears who can talk and read. *Wink*


The Imagery- The imagery is strong with this one! Throughout the story, you're able to describe the events in a way that paints a vivid mental picture for the reader. A few snippets of what I liked were during the initial quake...Quest fell headlong, head over heels, then side over side, down and ever down to the cacophony of rocks and dust swirling 'round his head, the rush of bird wings flying furiously and other animals squealing - and then falling silent

...or Casa's emergence from his would be tomb ...Casa's exit from this new mausoleum became something between the sliding rocks of a cascading creek and falling down two flights of stairs. All in all, the whole story was filled with this type of wonderfully descriptive writing.

Errors?- I tend to go over things with a fine tooth comb, and I found a few errors, or things that seemed a little off. I'll go through them in the order they appear in the story.

Quest's chapter- There's a paragraph that starts with Slowly understanding returned about some things... I think there should be a comma between Slowly and understanding.

Also, you wrote His warm, cozy, snuggily bed was gone. The correct spelling is snuggly ...and I don't care what my auto-correct says!

And another part goes Quest began to bellow heaving tears... Tears don't really seem to fit in with the rest of the sentence. A person can bellow and heave whilst crying, but it's not really due to the tears...they just kind of trickle out. Perhaps it would make more sense as Quest began to bellow heaving sobs.

Casa's chapter- A lot of the problems I had with Casa's chapter was in some of your choices for word emphasis. A number of times you either emboldened or underlined (and sometimes both) words that would be less distracting had they just been italicized instead. So, where you wrote "But for you and me,"-- you could have written "But for you and me," and it would work just as well. The same goes for...
- you can do it!
- the earthquake had affected Casa...
- Was it a Wrinkle in Time?
- He thought about The Chronicles of Narnia ... all of these examples can and probably should be italicized...in this reviewer's opinion.

There was a line in the chapter that went pile of dusty rocks that irritated his nose, making him convulse to breathe. "Convulse to breathe" sounds a little awkward. Perhaps making him breathe in convulsions or making him convulse with every breath would work better.

Another line went Did "his life flashed before his eyes" in the cave, when he almost died. A few problems here. The present tense of "flash" should be used, the sentence should end with a question mark, and you could probably do without the comma. Did "his life flash before his eyes" in the cave when he almost died?

Then there's the part where Casa finds his alleged front door. "Alleged", to me, makes me think of something implied without proof and since Casa would know that his front door did indeed once exist, perhaps a better word to describe it would be his former front door.

The Mist chapter- The only problem I found here was another of those pesky emboldened words. Where you wrote "LEAVE" ... I feel the capitalization of the word is sufficient to convey the intensity of the emotion felt by the speaking character and doesn't need to be in bold.

...and that's about it!


Overall Impression- Overall, I rather liked this story. It's a little hard to tell since there is sure to be a lot more to follow, but you've set things up nicely for a continuation and it'll be interesting to see the thing that befall Quest on his quest. Nicely done!


Scarecrow
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Review of Lament Poem  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings Robert Deimel ! I've chosen to review your poem on behalf of the PDG reviewing group.Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.


Initial Impression- At first glance, I was a little worried about how the poem would flow on account of the way it's laid out. But after reading through it, I was surprised by the cohesive rhythm. The subject matter also spoke to me, since I've been in the midst of a spiritual crisis for the last decade or so. I like how it ends on a somewhat hopeful note. I think when a person truly loses all hope, faith goes with it.



How's The Flow?- As I mentioned above, the flow is quite good. It was a little tricky trying to figure out the rhythm in some places due to the layout, but this could be rectified with some simple changes. For instance, some of your verses are two lines, some are three and one is four. Personally I feel this poem would be a little easier to digest if the verses were all four lines. You wouldn't have to add anything, just pull a bit of the old switcheroo. Here's the first two verses re-worked to let you know what I'm getting at:

I can feel the darkness round me
Permeate my thought and will;
As a sinister imposter
Advocating all that's ill.

Once again my plea for mercy
Goes unheeded as before;
Once again the silence deafens --
Solitude and nothing more.


...I feel if you reworked the rest of the poem as such, it would make the initial read-through a breeze and would help the reader focus more on the poem's message.



The Rhymes- (where applicable) The rhymes were all spot on, and nice use of the word malaise. It's not a word that pops into my head when I write poetry, but there's so many words that rhyme with it! I'll have to tuck that one away for later use *Smile*



Imagery- This is more of a inner thought type of poem, so there isn't really much in the way of describing surroundings or events. What we get instead is an exploration of the mind of one who's trying to understand their role in God's great plan. Anyone who has been in the same boat can relate to the darkness, malaise, and feeling of being punished of which this poem speaks. So, in that, you've captured the essence wonderfully.



Errors/ Suggestions-It's funny because at first I thought there were a few spots where it would need to be re-worded to improve the flow, but after mentally switching it to the four line scheme, it all flows without a hitch. After that I can't find any issues with the spelling, grammar or punctuation. Spot on!



Overall- This was one of those poems that seemed to be born out of a need to vent. With good reason! Sometimes life doesn't make any sense and the worst is when you struggle to find answers and even religion can't help you out. I guess that's why it's sometimes hard to keep faith. Things generally work out, but it's a desperate, long and rocky ride along the way. This poem captured that feeling quite well. Great job!





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Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello A. C. . I just finished reading your piece Dirge to a Shamrock and thought I'd offer my two cents worth.Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.



The Plot- Well, this was a pretty depressing story. You noted concerns over the pacing of this tale, and I didn't find much wrong with the bulk of the pacing throughout. The first paragraph wonderfully sets up the environment, the main character and her back-story so that the reader is well informed right from the beginning. From there the story moves along at a pretty good pace and we're treated to a memory that explains Rosemary's melancholy despite her seemingly peaceful and accomplished life.
The one issue that kind of stopped me in my tracks was in how the story came to an end. There seems to be some parts missing between her decision to "find her own path" and the hunter's discovery a few months later. When I first read "find her own path", I assumed it meant that she was going to make some positive changes in her life and start doing the things that she truly wants to do. So it was a bit of a shock to realize the outcome. I feel you could have continued on with her after her decision was made. Even bringing the reader to the point of her finding the four leaf clover would provide a bit more closure for the character and the reader and would make the ending seem a little less out of place. And you wouldn't even have to come right out and say she found one, you could sort of allude to it so it would still be a bit of a surprise when the hunter discovers it.


The Characters- As the protagonist, you've focused mainly on Rosemary whom you've fleshed out beautifully with your descriptions of her feelings, memories and thoughts. As the story begins we're introduced to a woman who through hard work and determination has made what she thought was her dream come true and as the story progresses we see her regrets at the sacrifices made in search of the dream. This gives a depth of character not often seen in a story of this length.
I should also mention her lost love Wayne. He plays a bigger role in her life than he does in the story, but at the same time you were able to create a character who is both manly and sensitive in a relatively short space. In Rosemary's memory, he almost appears complete with a fuzzy glow about him which makes the reader understand her sadness at the loss.


The Imagery- One of the things that really stood out for me was the imagery. Considering this was only 1500 words, I'm amazed by how many of them went into describing everything from the surroundings, to Rosemary's thoughts. If anything, you could even lighten up a little on some of the imagery. Some sentences almost seem to run on too long, for example :

The sunrise glided across the mountain crests, gently shaking out their somnolence with a smooth sweep of golden sunlight, spreading hues of lavender and periwinkle across the rugged rock canvas.

or

Akin to the senseless hesitation of a clock hand before striking a mark it has trod and will tread countless other times, Rosemary’s bare feet lingered tentatively on the porch before boldly proceeding down the dirt road.

I think you could cut some parts out while maintaining the feelings you wish to express which could open up some space to explain her final decision.


Errors?- This isn't really an error, but it might look a little less overwhelming of a read if you were to put a space between the paragraphs. As it is, it's like a big block of text which may scare off some readers.

- In the second paragraph, you wrote about railroad tracks that veered off the main road. When I think of veering off, I think of something that follows a parallel course before diverging from that course. So in this instance, it would suggest the road and the tracks were the same before the tracks veered off. Did you mean to say intersected instead of veered off?

- In the fourth paragraph ( I think it's the fourth, the line preceding it seems to be a paragraph unto itself that hasn't been indented), Rosemary muses How strange my satin shoes look... I think in these instances of inner dialogue, you're supposed to put it in italics. You did it with the hunter at the end of the story, so I assume this was just an oversight.

- In the fifth paragraph, you wrote On this day, they had sat... I get nailed for this all the time, but you can do away with the word had in this sentence. It just isn't necessary.

- In the beginning of what I'll call the second act ( right after where you spaced the paragraphs) you wrote their pathways in life were so deviant from each other to ever cross. I think it would sound better as "their pathways in life were too deviant from each other..."

- In the same paragraph, you wrote about Rosemary's mother scolding her. I feel the text of the scolding should either be in italics (to suggest a memory of the words) or have quotation marks (to show that the words have been quoted).

- In the third paragraph of the second act, you wrote Rosemary realized had spent her life... There should be the word she between "realized" and "had".

- Finally, right towards the end of Act two, you make mention of an Eliza Aldoy. Ummm, wasn't her name Rosemary?



Overall Impression- This was a touching and bittersweet (more bitter than sweet) story of missed opportunities and feelings of regret that seem to follow most of us humans around through life. I felt a pang of sadness at Rosemary's fate and feel if you could edit some of the imagery in favour of elaborating more on her final decision it would tighten the story up quite a bit. Still a well written read, though. Nicely done!


Scarecrow
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Review of In Which I Obey  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings slowmotionsunset ! I've chosen to review your poem on behalf of the PDG reviewing group.Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.


Initial Impression-This was an honest, heart-wrenching and thought provoking piece about how the world treats those with a disability and the feelings of worthlessness that comes with said treatment.



How's The Flow?- This is one of those free-verse styles of poem, and as such, I had no expectation of a structured rhythm. I do like the way it feels like a conversation expressed in brief and coherent statements. This poem has a very stream-of-consciousness flow about it.



The Rhymes- (where applicable) Again, since this is a free-verse poem, no rhymes are expected or needed.



Imagery- The imagery in this piece focuses more on the internal turmoil that comes with external situations which makes for a much more personal feel.
Lines like I'll melt into a puddle, Because I have no place and You're better than me perfectly convey your feelings in a blunt yet extremely effective way.



Errors/ Suggestions- It all seems to be in order as far as spelling, grammar and punctuation are concerned. There's one spot that kind of jumped out at me, but I don't even know if it's a mistake or not, but I thought I'd mention it just in case.
In the third verse you write Your right/ You're better than me... I'm not sure if this was meant to be "You're right", like you're sarcastically saying they're correct, or " Your right" , as in even more sarcastically saying that they're entitled to their lack of basic human decency.
I guess either meaning works in the context of this piece.



Overall I think what I liked most about this poem was how it seemed like it was part internal dialogue and part outward expression. Like you're saying to yourself the things you want to say to those who treat the disabled like they don't matter (even though they do *Smile*). It really makes you wonder why it is that our species is so hard on each other. In any event, thanks for sharing this piece.





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Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings dizzydreamer ! I've chosen to review your poem on behalf of the PDG reviewing group.Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.


Initial Impression- I like the thought that went into and the theme of this piece, but I'll admit I struggled with it a little. I'm not entirely certain as to what you're trying to convey. On the one hand I feel it's about seeing your childhood home swept away by progress but at the end it almost seems like you're referring to a cemetery. There were also a few issues with the flow and rhymes of the poem, which I will detail further later in the review...which is now :)



How's The Flow?- It seems in some of your verses, you struggled to find the right words to express yourself within the confines of the poem's structure. Verses 1, and 6 were pretty good as far as the flow goes, but the other ones just didn't carry the same rhythm. This is an easy fix though; just fiddle around with the wording a bit until it sounds/feels right. I'll offer some suggestions later in the review.



The Rhymes- (where applicable) Again this one vexed me a little in the rhymes department. The first verse has an ABAC rhyme scheme, whereas the rest of the poem does an ABCB scheme. My brain isn't firing on all cylinders right now, so I can't really suggest a line that would fit while maintaining your original meaning, but the final word in the last line of verse one should rhyme with lot, just to set the tone for the rest of the piece.
Then in verse 5, you try to rhyme mend with dead. Generally I'm not a stickler for "rhyming precision", but these two words just seem too different to be considered rhymes. Especially when there are so many snazzy words out there that rhyme with dead : instead, fed, misled, bred...and the list goes on!



Imagery- The imagery in this poem was quite interesting. It seems (for the most part) that the first half of each verse references a sweet and tender childhood memory and then is followed by a harsh dose of destructive reality. I'm not sure if you did this intentionally, but if you did, I credit your ability to structure a poem! In any event, your descriptions of things called to mind innocence, the passage of time and innocence lost.



Errors/ Suggestions- As I mentioned above, the most noticeable problem with your poem was in the flow. Four of the six verses didn't quite fit in with the rest, so I'll throw some suggestions at you for verses two and three, and leave the others up to you. Also, I'm not trying to step on your toes and re-write your poem, these are just examples...do with them what you will *Smile*

So the last part of original second verse goes
...As soon as I set aside/ All I had been dreaming for

... I feel it would tighten things up if you were to abbreviate "I had" into "I'd", like this :

...As soon as I set aside/ All I'd been dreaming for.


The last part of verse three also suffers a syllable excess. If you were to remove completely the word else’s so that the line read as : Sharpened someone’s knife, it would flow better while keeping with the original intent.


Just a few suggestions for you. As far as the spelling, punctuation and grammar, everything seemed in order.



Overall This one struck a chord with me mainly because I've reached an age where I'm seeing the landmarks of my youth being trampled by ever expanding city. If you could tidy up some of the rhythm and rhyme elements, I think you'd have a thought-provoking poem that really tugs at the heart strings.





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Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings Stuck in the mire ~BlueAsIce ! I've chosen to review your poem on behalf of the PDG reviewing group.Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.


Initial Impression- I really like these types of poems. Your piece reminded of the poems of my childhood, with its simplistic rhyme scheme and straight-forward delivery, although the subject matter is a little more grim.



How's The Flow?- If I had one issue with this poem, it was in the way it flowed. I'll get into this in more detail down below, but it seems that with a little tinkering, you could have this one flowing like the mighty Mississip!



The Rhymes- (where applicable) It seems like forever since I've read anything other than free verse poetry, so the rhymes present in this poem are a welcome change of pace. Truly flawless!



Imagery- I will say the imagery is a little light in this poem, but at the same time, since it's not a poem that delves into an exploration of a single topic or theme, I wouldn't really expect a whole lot of imagery. In fact, it would be rather difficult to make this an overly descriptive piece without fouling up the quick and lively pace.



Errors/ Suggestions- As I mentioned above, the biggest issue I had was in the overall flow of the poem. Fortunately, it seems like a relatively quick fix- all you'll need is a bit of time and word-craftiness! I usually go by syllable count, but this doesn't seem to work well in this case. The problem seems more in your choice of words. I think the easiest way to explain what I mean is to show you. I'm not trying to tell you how to write your poem, just offering an example of what I'm struggling to explain *Wink*:

So, your first stanza is fine, rolls right off the tongue. The second one is where the trouble begins. And all the first lines are good, so I'll just deal with the second lines. SO... the second line of the second stanza just doesn't follow the same flow established in the first stanza. But by choosing different words to say the same thing you can smooth things out. Here's what I mean :

Nine little Princesses learning how to skate,
One fell through the brittle ice and then there were eight.

...the same can be done for the rest of the poem. I'll give a suggestion for the outcomes for princesses eight, seven and six, and let you take care of the rest. Also, since the first lines are all good, I'll just send along the second lines of the respective princesses (phew).

...A Guardian took one away and then there were seven

...One felt shame and ran away and then there were six

...One ate a poison root and then there were five.



... It's all a matter of " Does it sound right? Does it flow?". You'll know it when you hear/read it.

Anyways, I couldn't find any other problems with this poem as far as spelling, grammar and punctuation are concerned.


Overall Overall, I found this to be a quick and easy, yet altogether entertaining read. With a bit of touching up, this could be a poem worthy of the glory days of disturbing and dark nursery rhymes. Great stuff!





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Review of Simul  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello TheOneGirl . I just finished reading your piece Simul and thought I'd offer my two cents worth.Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.



The Plot- I always enjoy stories involving a dystopian backdrop, and this one was no exception. I like the way you've seamlessly woven exposition into the narrative. Sometimes writers (myself included) can go overboard on exposition and wind up detracting from the characters, but you were able to balance the two in a way that makes for a flowing and engaging read.
I also really liked your take on how our civilization will fall. In this day and age of AI and super-computers being given more jobs to do, the outcome you've envisioned doesn't seem that far-fetched.


The Characters- The story focuses on Savannah Ruiz, a young lady who has reached the age where she must take a mandatory placement test. This character is well-developed more through her thoughts and actions than through physical description. Your exploration of the insecurity and anxiety of Savannah made me sympathetic to her plight and I felt a slight pang of regret at the story's end.


The Imagery- I found this story was a little light in places on the imagery. I couldn't really get a feel for the new world in which Savannah lives. Is it a shining example of order and efficiency? Or is it a dark and decaying cityscape?
I did like what you did with the Placement Exam building, however. The sights and interactions gave it the soulless, bureaucratic tone one would expect from such a place.


Errors?- There wasn't a whole lot to complain about here. One thing that struck me was your use of numbers. I was always taught that in most cases in writing, you're supposed to write out the number. For example :

Now, go on. I only have 20 more minutes of drive time

...should be

Now, go on. I only have twenty more minutes of drive time


...of course, I don't know how strict the rules are on this and I can't really remember the exceptions, so maybe I'll leave that one alone now *Wink*.

The weird thing is, the other errors were all in the second last paragraph. You wrote I felt my back lift off my bed as I swung my legs over the side of my bed... the use of "my bed" twice in the same sentence is a little clunky. You could probably end the sentence after the word "side" and be fine.

Then at the end of the paragraph, you wrote ...to click on the discolors unread message. I really couldn't make sense of what you were getting at here. I googled discolors to see what I was missing, but that only muddied things further.


Overall Impression- Overall, I rather enjoyed this bleak little tale. I don't know if it's a sign of the times or not, but it seems that there aren't as many happy endings as there used to be. Which is fine by me-- it mirrors the realities of our modern world. I like that this story is set in the not-so-distant future as well. It gives a certain urgent, cautionary tale sort of feel. Great stuff!


Scarecrow
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Review of Serpent lies...  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings maximus12333! I've chosen to review your poem on behalf of the PDG reviewing group.Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.


Initial Impression- There was something about the rambling, formless style of this poem that grabbed my attention. I'll have to admit an ignorance to the context of the piece, but there's something about the desperate hopefulness that struck a chord with me.



How's The Flow?- This isn't a conventionally structured poem, but you've been able to word it in a way that flows quite freely nonetheless. It almost made me think of a Shakespearean soliloquy in its cadence as I read through it.



The Rhymes- (where applicable) Since this is a free-style type of poem, I wasn't expecting any rhymes. However, there is that one little snippet in there near the top where you rhyme for five consecutive lines. I really liked this little section of structure, even though you used the word "night" a number of times; it makes me think of a borderline ranting -- like the authour is really trying to drive the point home. Very effective writing !



Imagery- Imagery abounds in this somber poem. Right from the first line to the last you paint a picture of a soul among many who yearns for a return to innocence both physically and spiritually. Lines like For we are farthest from home at night and to the morning dream where souls dwell speak of a loss and renewal of hope that set the tone for the overall piece.



Errors/ Suggestions- The only thing that stuck right out at me was, about half way through you wrote for your yolk is hollow/ and your bowels constructed... did you mean to say constricted? That seems to make more sense.



Overall- There's something about the imagery used in this piece that calls to mind times gone by and a yearning to return. This could relate to a number of chapters in human history where a simplistic, natural approach to life is trampled by the march of "civilization". The melancholy, spiritual vibe really made me think, which is what good poetry is all about. Great job!





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Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Pepper . I just finished reading your piece and thought I'd offer my two cents worth.Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.



The Plot- I liked the whole spooky vibe of this piece. It has a somewhat typical set-up with the outcasts trying to fit in with the cool kids and being subjected to a hazing ritual of sorts, but it carries with it an unsettling supernatural feeling. I knew there was something ominous coming, I just wasn't fully expecting the ending. To be honest though, I was a little confused by the ending. Was the creature in the corn an evil entity? Or just one of the 'big kids' dressed up? If so, why did Donkey Kong get killed? Or was that part of the act? Or are the big kids in cahoots with the corn creature? It just left me a little befuddled is all.


The Characters- Fantastic character development! Just the interactions between Sean and Braden give the reader a clear insight into the confusing choices and social hurdles of the teenage set that most of us have faced at one time or another. I got a sense of Braden's desperation to fit in as well as Sean's regrets of attending a party he didn't really want to. Beyond that, through the use of dialogue, descriptions of appearance and actions (not to mention the macho names) of the antagonistic 'cool kids', you've presented a believable group of high schoolers who have somehow made it to the top of the pecking order. Great stuff!


The Imagery- Wonderful imagery abounds! As a fella who attended his share of outdoor, autumn, high school parties, I find you've done a great job of describing the feel of that time of year, and the feelings of exclusion that sometimes come along with teenage social gatherings. In fact, the whole first paragraph does an amazing job of setting the mood for the story to follow.
As mentioned above, I also found the character descriptions to be spot on, helping me to envision the scene all the better. The thing in the corn was especially well imagined, and in fact kind of creeped me out a little.
Also, Sean's panicked escape from the corn field was also well-executed and captured the fear involved when flight overcomes fight.


Errors?- Besides the unclear ending, I only found one other little flaw. Around the time Sean and Braden first encounter the thing in the corn, you wrote The ghostly shape never flinched but instead pulled out what a long scythe. I feel it would be better as ...The ghostly shape never flinched but instead pulled out what was a long scythe.


Overall Impression- All in all, I found this to be a well-crafted tale (apart from the confusing climax). I was invested in the characters, the story moved along a good pace, and it certainly set the mood for the coming Hallowe'en season. Nicely done!


Scarecrow
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Review of The Diner  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h . I just finished reading your piece The Diner and thought I'd offer my two cents worth.Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.



The Plot- I haven't read many stories dealing with romance, so I figured I was due. This one works wonderfully due to its setting and circumstances. A waitress, a diner and a lonely customer; it all plays out like a "how-we-met" story. Despite the brevity of the tale, you were able to fill it with enough information on the characters and environment to make it seem much larger without becoming ponderous.


The Characters- No names are given, but apart from that you've done a great job of bringing these people to 'life'. I like how you focused more on the man's appearance and mannerisms, and the woman's thoughts and actions. To me, this makes the story as told from the waitress' point of view more realistic. She would be more aware of his physical presentation as opposed to his thoughts, just as she'd be more aware of her thoughts than her own appearance. Then in the broader sense, ( again this is just my perspective) it's like the two complete each other.
Great job!


The Imagery- You've done a phenomenal job with your imagery. You have a way of mashing descriptions of the characters appearance or actions with their surroundings to create a full and vivid mental image. I can visualize the hustle and bustle of a diner with a lone customer, somewhat oblivious to his surroundings apart from the busy waitress from whom he can't look away.
Here's a few examples of writing that really popped for me!

He sat in silence, pressed into the crevice of the padding of the corner booth. The waitress had brought him a coffee quite some time ago, and now she watched from the counter as he stirred the contents of his cup ...

She disappeared into the kitchen, set about cleaning the remnants of her shift, and talked with the cook. She wiped down the counter, talked with the incoming waitresses, and took care of the last of her customers

... maybe it's all my years in the restaurant biz, but these lines (and many like them) recaptured the essence of my own experiences of yore.

Errors?- I only found one thing that jumped right out at me. During your description of the customer, you mention how the elbows of his jacked showed considerable wear. ... I believe the correct spelling is jacket.
Other than that, I could find no problems in the spelling, grammar or punctuation.


Overall Impression- I thought this was a pretty well written story, considering I'm not much of one for romance. My only quibble is that I found the waitress' romantic interest came on a little suddenly. I got the impression that the customer was carrying a torch for her- since he spent a lot of time at the diner and would be caught stealing glances at her- but I didn't get much of a sense of her interest in him ( apart from a mild curiosity) and then suddenly they're on a date.
Of course maybe this goes along with the opening quote, and she was acting boldly as a symptom of love before even realizing she was in love herself.
Nicely done.


Scarecrow
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Review of Strange Forces  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.


Initial Impression- By the time I got half way through the first verse of this piece, I realized it would require a few readings to digest everything that's going on. Nearly every line is rife with such a rich imagery, that by the time I got to the end, I could envision the sensation of tumbling into slumber... I'm not saying your poem put me to sleep, but it was definitely a well crafted description of the initial process!


How's The Flow?- This was a free verse style of poem, so there isn't any much rhythm to speak of. Not that I was expecting any from a poem of this type. I will say that your choice of words keeps the piece flowing at a steady pace with nary a stumbling block to be found.



The Rhymes- (where applicable)Again, since this is a free verse poem, I wasn't expecting much rhymes. I did however notice you rhymed 'ensues' with 'sinews', which was an excellent pairing (whether intentional or not). I found this gave a certain punch to the line and by extension the rest of the poem... almost like a poet's mind firing off a final rhyme before sleep.



Imagery- The shining point of this poem is the way in which you effortlessly describe the feeling of an exhausted body falling asleep. I normally just drift away into oblivion, but I have had nights where it feels like a physical force is pulling me deeper into something. This poem reflected some of my own impressions of the experience. Here's a few lines that stuck out for me ...

my weakness is useless against the tide/ that swallows me whole/ as I sink into the abyss

The contortions that once were/ melt into limp gunny-bags

...Nicely done!


Errors/ Suggestions- As far as spelling, grammar and punctuation, this piece was spot on.
I was however a little confused by the final line. What exactly is your greatest strength? I understand the idea of feeling weak from exhaustion, but not what strength is found in sleep.
Also in that same area, you've used the word 'find' twice in close proximity. Just as a suggestion, maybe it would sound better if you substituted the word discover in place of the second 'find'. Or something along those lines.



Overall This poem had an oddly soothing, lulling effect on me. You've captured the essence of cohesive thought versus the fatigued physical being, and the interaction between mind and body as such. Fantastic job!





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Review of Where The Dead Go  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.

I just finished reading your piece Where The Dead Go and thought I'd offer my two cents worth. So here's my view on...

The Plot- I've always been fascinated by the concept of death and what happens to us while it's happening. Over the years I've read or heard a number of stories regarding this subject and your story seems as plausible as any of them. I especially liked how your approach to the afterlife seemed more to do with the protagonist's state of mind than a religious experience... it's an avenue rarely explored in stories of this type.


The Characters- The un-named protagonist is relatively well constructed. Being that this is more of an exploration of a dying mind, I wouldn't expect more in a physical description, but maybe the character could have been explored a bit more in depth. I feel a few little examples of her unpleasant early life, or an explanation of who the lost love is, or how she was lost could enhance the story a bit.
Death figures a prominent role in this tale as well. You've maintained the general appearance of Death, but you've made her a female ( I don't think I've ever seen Death portrayed as anything other than a skeleton or some scrawny pale dude), and made her converse in a contemporary, matter-of-fact way. I must say I enjoyed the variation.


The Imagery- The majority of the story is presented through the eyes of the protagonist and you've done an amazing job relaying her impressions to the reader. I don't think I've ever seen such powerful use of metaphor! Right from the beginning!
Eons ago in another galaxy, I looked down and saw my former self. She was staring back up at me, oblivious that she was wishing upon a dead star... this line is so poetic and heartbreaking and effective, and it just gets better from there.
Another bit that really stood out for me was ...A Trojan horse barreled towards me at lightening speed. Death wrapped in a sparkling box with white ribbon, engulfed me. I tumbled around in a washing machine with no off button....this gave me the impression of being struck by a killer wave and left at the mercy of its force. In these few lines you described the sensation in a way that made me feel as though I was right there in "the washing machine".


Errors?- There were a few tid-bits here and there that I'll run by you. I'll do it in parts!

Part 1

Even at such a distant, it radiated a soothing warmth...the proper word would be distance.

Part 2

I found myself wading in waste high water...I believe it should be waist-high water.

Part 5

When Death and the protagonist first start talking, you have the lines all bunched together whereas the rest of their dialogue was all double-spaced. This isn't a big deal, but for the sake of continuity, it would look better if all the dialogue was double spaced.

During Death's dialogue, she says "come. Walk with me.”... Come should be capitalized; She does it again in the 7th part, so I wasn't sure if this was intentional or not, but then other bits of her dialogue begin with capitalization, so it seems that it all should.

She motioned me to follow... to me it just sounds better as...She motioned to me to follow.


“What you mean it’s hell?”... there should be a comma between 'What' and 'you'.

and since I'm talking about commas, I don't think the following line needs one. The idea that I was about to find out, didn’t amuse me at all.

Part 7

Attempting to breath had become an impossible task...the correct spelling is breathe.

“come it is time.”... I mentioned above how it seems that Come should be capitalized; also, there should be a comma between 'Come' and 'it'.


Overall Impression-I really appreciated the dream-like feel to this story. The way it bounces around from memory to present thoughts gives it an ethereal quality that jibes so well with the subject matter. I also like how the story ends just as the protagonist follows Death. Almost as if we mortals aren't allowed to know what happens past this point. Awesome job!


Scarecrow
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Review of Tranquil  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.


Initial Impression- When I first saw the size of this poem, I thought ' Oh, this ought to be easy to digest'. How wrong I was. After the first read, I realized there was quite a bit of depth to this piece, and after subsequent read-throughs, I found an encouraging hopefulness that gave me a feeling of tranquility ( what an aptly named poem!).



How's The Flow?- I've been reading a lot of free verse lately, so your sense of rhythm was a wonderful change of pace. There's a "laser-guided" precision to your flow that made this bit of writing gallop along without any stumbling blocks along the way.



The Rhymes- (where applicable) A typical ABCB type of rhyme scheme, with no issues to speak of. The combination of the seamless flow with these stellar rhymes makes for a captivating poem.



Imagery- I like how you've intertwined elements of time and nature throughout the piece to underline the fact that no matter your troubles, life moves on.
A few of the bits that stuck with me ...

Tie them to the rays of light,
The sun sheds as it sets... there's something so peaceful and spiritual about this verse. I can envision myself watching the sun set from my front step and contemplating life.

All that's been is over,
And a new year has arrived...such a hopeful note upon which to end the poem. It suggests new things and good times could be just around the corner.


Errors/ Suggestions- I really couldn't find any. As far as punctuation, spelling and grammar, you knocked it out of the park!



Overall What a nifty quirk of fate to have come across this poem. I've been a little strung out lately and your writing was able to make me take a minute and a deep breath and reflect. Although this poem is intended as an ode the a new year, I feel the message can relate to any time of the year...no one knows what tomorrow may bring. Thanks for the boost! Great stuff!





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Review of INvasion  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.

I just finished reading your piece INvasion and thought I'd offer my two cents worth. So here's my view on...

The Plot- This story focuses on the inner workings of the human mind in an intimate way which allows for an immersive read. I liked how most of the story dealt with the narrator's perceptions regarding her unwelcome guests until the final day where their sinister goals are met.


The Characters- Essentially there's only one, the unnamed protagonist. I really like this style of storytelling because it gives such depth to the characters. In this case, we see the narrator go from questioning what they're seeing to questioning their sanity to the realization of their purpose in the invader's grander scheme. The mention made of a pre-existing mental instability added to the overall narrative in the sense that it left me wondering whether the little bugs were real or just the product of a tormented mind.


The Imagery- For such a short story, you were able to articulate the scenes you were laying out with incredible precision. You have what I like to call an excellent "word economy". The initial encounter with the mysterious creatures; the horror of the infestation; the gore-riddled park scene... all of these were described with enough detail to allow for a pretty graphic assortment of mental images. You accomplished in a few words what it would take me paragraphs to express. Fantastic!


Errors?- I found a few things here and there...I'll take you through them day by day *Wink*:

On June 5th-

You wrote Did they see me, for they quickly turned and sped to the safety of the shadows at the rear of the breadbin?... I think it would be better if the question mark came after "me", and then start a new sentence with "For".

On June 6th-

You wrote And if there’s this many, for the cupboards, walls and ceiling have been enshrouded by hundreds of these beautiful, mysterious, and unnerving creatures, why haven’t I seen them before(?)... Another punctuation issue, but I believe that the central part of this sentence should be separated with parentheses or a hyphen. Something like this ... And if there’s this many- for the cupboards, walls and ceiling have been enshrouded by hundreds of these beautiful, mysterious, and unnerving creatures- why haven’t I seen them before(?)

Also you wrote they appeared and disappeared - ghostlike... I feel a hyphen before " and disappeared" would give a little bit of a dramatic pause to the reader.

On June 10th-

I'm not entirely sure about semi-colon rules, so I had to Google them to be sure, but there's a line that goes I awoke in the park today; though, I couldn’t familiarise it in my head... I just don't think a semi-colon fits there. Probably a comma would work just as well. Also, instead of " familiarise it in my head", maybe just simply " recognize it" would suffice?

Another thing that seemed off - No sooner had my foot landed on the kitchen floor they had swarmed upon me...I feel it sounds better as No sooner had my foot landed on the kitchen floor than they had swarmed upon me".

You also wrote Fear and dread routed me, unmovable in terror....Did you mean "rooted"?. And maybe it would sound better if the second part was along the lines of "immobilizing me in terror".

Also in your description of the carnage at the park, you mention bloodstains upon the bandstands floor. I think either bandstand or bandstand's would be a better fit.

Finally, one issue that kind of distracted me throughout the story was the bracketed question marks. Personally I don't think they're necessary and took me out of the moment just a little.

...and that's about it!



Overall Impression- For this reviewer, your story had a lot going for it. The first-person perspective of a faltering mind, alien invaders, humanity's extinction all presented in a chronological format. ( I love this device in a story. It makes things so much more engaging when I can visualize the day by day progression of the plot.)
Also, I really liked when the buggy things appeared in earnest. It reminded me of a cross between John Carpenter's The Thing and something from the mind of Lovecraft, with a bunch of your own ingredients thrown in for good measure. An unsettling and malevolent bunch, indeed!
Oh ! And the sudden, ominous silence at the end was possibly the most perfect ending imaginable to a tale of this caliber...Great job!


Scarecrow
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Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.


Initial Impression- This was a spooky little read. I really liked the rhyme scheme within. I noticed in your bio how you tried your hand at song writing and the first thing that came to mind as I read through this piece was how lyrical it was. The subject matter is also something that spoke to me being that I'm a fan of the supernatural. The idea of a nocturnal visit by something from another plane of existence is one to conjure goosebumps.



How's The Flow?- I greatly admired the flow of this piece. I'm no poetic scholar, so I'm not sure if this is an established poetic form, or something that came from within you, but I love the lilting, lyrical feel of the poem. It doesn't have a typical flow through the verses, but this only serves to keep the reader on their toes.



The Rhymes- (where applicable) Once again, this doesn't have the rhyme scheme to which I'm accustomed, but again, that's what makes this poem so wonderfully unique. As I read through this one, I have to wonder if it's been put to music. As somewhat of a songsmith myself, I find often times lyrics come across completely different depending on whether they're written or performed. Your choice of rhymes coupled with the rhythm makes me think of Poe, especially the first lines of each verse.



Imagery- There is something haunting about the imagery...your ability to articulate the message you're trying to get across is pretty remarkable. From the first line...Silence awakes me, shivers and shakes me, I was reminded of times I've awoken from a deep slumber to an unsettling feeling. Being hooked in by that line, I was rewarded by a subtle sense of creepiness that made this poem seem so much more authentic. Especially the last verse ...Spirits or specters, uncertain to whether
they enter my vision in faint apparition
with decisions to hold to the nether... the fact that the spirits seem to be simply watching as opposed to swooping and screeching around the room is far more ominous and chill-inducing.



Errors/ Suggestions- I found no errors in the grammar, punctuation or spelling of this poem.



Overall Overall, I must say I greatly enjoyed this bit of poetry. The subject matter seemed to go hand in hand with the execution and left me feeling uncomfortable, paranoid, and spooked out... Fantastic work- keep it up!





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Review of Season of Storms  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.


Initial Impression- I was really impressed with how effortlessly you were able to compare the struggles of life to a storm. As someone who seems to always be confronted by the tempest, I found I could relate to this poem.



How's The Flow?- Being that this is more of a free verse style of poem, no real rhythm was expected and yet, there's a certain cadence to the lines, which makes the words flow through the reader's mind without any clunkiness or stumbling blocks.



The Rhymes- (where applicable) Again, this is one of those styles of poetry where no rhymes are expected or necessary.



Imagery- For me, the imagery of this poem is what really shone. The comparison of the body/mind/spirit battered by the trials of life to a house beset by a storm was one of the most comprehensive examples of symbolism I've ever come across. The poet/narrator's efforts to maintain a strong and safe home in the face of the maelstrom is a perfect analogy to the emotions one experiences when the torments of life become too much too bear. The feelings of helplessness as everything is falling apart effectively describes not only what it would be like watching one's home torn asunder, but also what it's like watching one's mind come undone. Amazing work!


Errors/ Suggestions- I found no problems with the spelling, grammar or punctuation. Nicely done!



Overall-As I read through this poem for a third and fourth time, I was amazed by how skillfully you were able to craft a piece that worked so well on two levels. It works perfectly both as a poem about a homeowner's struggle to keep their home standing, or a person's struggle to maintain their health and sanity under an incessant barrage of the problems that come with existence. The fact that you were able to articulate thoughts and feelings that I have myself experienced made Season of Storms all the more powerful to me. An incredible bit of writing!






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Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.

I just finished reading your piece His Daughter's Magic Wand and thought I'd offer my two cents worth. So here's my view on...

The Plot- Initially I was a little confused by the plot. I thought that it was a literal instruction manual for making a magic wand. Then about half way through I realized that it was more along the lines of a metaphorical; the magic lies not so much in the wand itself but the one who wields it.

The Characters-Just the narrating Wand. I like how you've given it a story that goes back all the way to the time of Merlin. The way you've interjected memories of its past with the instructional tone of the rest of the piece gives the Wand a depth of character normally reserved for animate objects.
The language you've used also helps; there's a certain dignity and wisdom in the way the Wand speaks that lends credibility to its past.


The Imagery-All throughout the story, you've been able to conjure up images of the mystical,magical and spiritual. The part that especially stuck out was when the Wand described how to create the physical wand. As the story progressed I could visualize the construction from a humble stick to a tool to harness the powers of the mind and beyond.


Errors?- In the story itself, I couldn't find any spelling, grammar or punctuation errors. But in the title, I noticed that you didn't capitalize "Daughter's".


Overall Impression- All in all this was a good read. It was well articulated,entertaining and carried a nice message of having faith in yourself. You were able to weave the memories with the present seamlessly, which made for a smooth story flow. It also served to illustrate the point that if you believe enough, anything is possible. Nicely done!



Scarecrow
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Review of Insert title here  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.


Initial Impression- This is one of those pieces of writing that seems incredibly layered; There's a depth of expression here that requires re-readings in order to fully appreciate what you're saying. Then upon re-reading, the reader is bound to see things they may have missed on the first,second or third reading. Great stuff !



How's The Flow?- Surprisingly rhythmic for a free verse style of poem. I find that usually free verse comes across as a smattering of random thoughts (which can be an effective writing method as well), but because of your flow, the thoughts seem more connected and cohesive.



The Rhymes- (where applicable) Again for a free verse type of poem, no rhymes were expected. Funny thing is, I didn't realize this was a free verse style of poem until halfway through the first verse when the "almost rhymes" stopped. But I think what made this poem work so well was the use of word repetition and quasi-homonyms. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

But to know the unbeknownst
Is to know the unknown...

... the affinity of illusion
lives with the illusion of infinity


This is so deep and heavy, I don't even really know what it means! Anyway, this was supposed to be a review of the rhymes and I got a little side tracked. Amazing wordplay nonetheless !



Imagery- This poem doesn't have the type of imagery to which I'm accustomed. When I think imagery, I think of descriptions of things and this poem focuses more on feelings which are much harder to describe in a "visual" manner. One line stuck out at me though ...a breath bereft of breath... There's something so stark and beautiful about this line, it certainly sets the tone for the rest of the piece. I also found the last verse to be quite effective as a finisher.



Errors/ Suggestions- Spelling and grammar were both top notch and I feel the lack of punctuation works with this poem; too many commas and periods would clutter things up.



Overall I think what I like best about this poem is the way it says a lot without coming right out and saying it. This makes for an open-to-interpretation feel that will be different for every reader. One of the finest examples of literature as art that I've seen in years.





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Review of Anniversary  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.


Initial Impression-On the first reading, I liked the dark and desolate feel you gave to this poem. The final line really grabbed my attention which compelled me to give it another going over which in turn made me discover the deeper layers therein.



How's The Flow?- Since this is a free verse type of poem, no real rhythm or flow is expected. But I will say your choice of words lends a solid melodiousness to the piece that underscores the structured thought patterns of the protagonist/poet. *Smile*



The Rhymes- (where applicable) Again, being that this is a free verse, no rhymes were expected.



Imagery- From the first line to the last, this poem is a masterpiece of wonderfully executed imagery. For this reader, you conjured up a mental picture of a lone person standing on a shoreline in an early evening snowfall lost in their own melancholy thoughts. This creates a certain empathy for the protagonist/poet that makes the poem so much more effective.



Errors/ Suggestions- Can't say as I have any suggestions, since I couldn't find any errors.



Overall This is definitely one of those poems that gets better with every reading. Initially I struggled with the concept of ebony snowflakes, but after reflecting on it, I considered the appearance of snow in the early evening and there {}is a certain period of evening in the waning light where it appears darker as it falls...I'm not sure if this is what you were going for, but I found it worked wonderfully as far as setting the scene.
Also, I liked how you didn't come right out and say what the anniversary is. My impression was of a murder victim washing ashore, but it doesn't really specify. Personally I like using my imagination, and I found this poem to be a wonderful (albeit bleak) thought-provoking piece in spite of its brevity. A true sign of a polished poet..Fantastic work !





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Review of Gray  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.


Initial Impression- Wow is the first thing that came to mind after the initial read-through. With each line, I kept the idea of gray in my head and visualized the scenes you presented. At the poem's end, when you mention how the effect of someone leaving is to turn one's world gray, it lends a whole new angle to the piece which made me rush to the beginning to see how it read from that point of view. Awesome!



How's The Flow?-Surprisingly consistent considering this isn't a typically structured verse. I like how all through the poem you maintain a regular flow of "Gray" followed by two lines up until the end where it's BAM-BAM-BAM , almost like I could feel your anger, frustration and despair brought on by the subject of the following lines.



The Rhymes- (where applicable) Again, this didn't follow a typical rhyme scheme, but one thing I noticed ( and I don't know if this was intentional or not), but there are no rhymes in the beginning, then about halfway through there appear some "almost rhymes" (shine/rhyme, dusk/stardust}, and then at the end you go full-blown rhyme with "there" and "despair". I really like how this works because it gives a sense of confusion followed by a return of structure followed by a clear and bleak realization. Sort of like the stages I go through after a break-up.



Imagery- That's all it is! Which is fantastic! From the simplistic ...Between day and night, black and white...to the more complex ...The color of silver without the shine...I found this poem to be overflowing with the type of imagery I appreciate. The symbolism is open enough to interpretation to make it seem applicable to any reader which is why I'm able to read it over and over. It seems like there's something new every time!



Errors/ Suggestions- Your spelling, punctuation and grammar are all spot on. I could find no errors.



Overall There's a lot going on in this poem from an emotional stand point, but with the use of symbolism and metaphor you've opened it up to individual interpretation. As I read through the poem, I encountered thoughts that mirrored my own at times which gave it a very personal vibe. I admire your ability to express yourself in a way to which others can relate. Great stuff !





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Review of Joey Versus Santa  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.

I just finished reading your piece Joey Versus Santa and thought I'd offer my two cents worth. So here's my view on...

The Plot- I've read a few stories involving encounters with Santa, but never one about a pre-meditated meeting of ill intent. I really liked the shattering of the Santa stereotype. All the parts we know and love about Santa are there, but your version has a street-smart attitude and a Glock. There was something shockingly silly about Santa and Joey's confrontation- it had a bit of a South Park vibe about it. The ending threw me off a little. Some of the details of the dream seemed too vivid (i.e.- Joey's certainty that he killed Jenny instead of imagining it, the interactions of Santa and his reindeer), but then on further reflection I realized that this was probably the best way to end the story. The alternatives would have been either having Joey kill Santa (which would have been bad) or Santa killing Joey (which would have seemed worse) so I can see why you went this way.


The Characters- The main ones to speak of are Joey and Santa. Joey is brought to life through your writing; his thoughts suggest someone of a scheming and psychotic nature which is further expressed in his actions later in the story. Santa is pretty easy for most to visualize, which is why I found his tough-talkin', heat-packin' nature in this story so funny. Your description of his quick moves in spite of his age underscore the magical mystique of the jolly old elf.
There are other characters as well such as the elves and the reindeer, and although they aren't explored as in depth as Joey and Santa, you've still managed to give each their own personality just through the use of dialogue.


The Imagery- Whether you were setting the scene of the story (Outside the night was moonless, and the only noise was the sound of the willow tree's long wispy branches brushing against his bedroom window), exploring Joey's inner dialogue and concern over his gift receiving potential (The time-outs in the corner worried him. But he'd been caught for those infractions, so did they really count? Didn't that punishment cancel those out? And what about the times he didn't get caught?), or describing the Christmas Eve action (his foot kicked out in an attempt to dislodge the gun from Santa's old wrinkled fingers. He managed to secure the knife, but his leg was too short and Santa was too quick, and the geezer was far out of reach before Joey had a chance to swing the cold steel), your ability to paint a vivid mental picture through the use of words is remarkable !


Errors?- Spelling, grammar and punctuation were flawless, as far as this reviewer could tell.


Overall Impression- Overall I enjoyed this piece. Most definitely not your usual Christmas story, which at this time of year, when I'm just about burnt out on the schmaltzy, seasonal tripe was greatly appreciated. I really liked the dialogue throughout. You were able to give each player their own "voice" and delivered it in a naturally flowing and believable conversations. All in all a fun and off the beaten path holiday tale- Great job!


Scarecrow
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Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.

I just finished reading your piece The Boy and the Ice-Maid and thought I'd offer my two cents worth. So here's my view on...

The Plot- Wow, what a roller coaster of a tale ! At first I thought this was going the way of horror with the evil spirit of the lake, but then it took a turn from horror and went along more of a romantic route. Then there are sub-plots involving revenge and a previous encounter between Jacob and Merith with a truly tragic ending. You've packed a whole lot of story into such a relatively short space without making it feel rushed or incomplete. Great job!


The Characters- The main one would be Jacob, and you've done a wonderful job exploring his character through his thoughts and attitude. We don't get a sense of him being rebellious so much as being a teenager of independent thought. The fact that he was essentially just trying to do what was right makes his fate all the more tragic.
There's also Merith, the water spirit/mermaid- Again you've done an exceptional job of fleshing out this character both in the gentle and inquisitive personality you've given her, and in the physical description throughout the tale. Her connection to Jacob from the past and present set the stage for their doomed futures.
A few other minor characters of note would be Jacob's mother Alda who comes across as a bitter, opportunistic old crone, and the chieftain whose chest-thumping bravado and willingness to take on the spirit gives the impression of a veritable iron-age tyrant. A fair amount of personality for such minor roles. Amazing character development !


The Imagery- Throughout most of the story you've described things in a way that call up mental pictures for this reviewer.
Just a few of the bits that I liked
The ice split into a long jagged crack, which grew into blue branches and fractured into millions of hard, white leaves.

...he saw two blue pools in a face of snow. It was the face of the monster of the legends, the ice-maid of the water

She turns, and he sees that the white snow of her back is riddled with stab wounds, slowly leaking silver blood


Errors?- I found a few little things here and there. I'll go chapter by chapter to make finding them easier.
The little things ▼


Overall Impression- Overall I was quite surprised at the depth of this story. So much happened and you told it well. I especially liked the closing lines of the story. As a writer who struggles with bringing most of my stories to a satisfying conclusion, I feel a slight tinge of envy at the way you finished yours. The mention of the stars seems to bring the story full circle with a sense of painful closure. Well done !


Scarecrow
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Review of Autumn's Chill  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.


Initial Impression- It took a few verses before I got into the swing of things with this poem, but when I figured it out, I was impressed by both your construction of the narrative and structure of the poem itself.



How's The Flow?- There were a few points where I struggled a bit with the flow. It seemed that in some parts there were too many words to give the piece a steady rhythm. But with a bit of polish, I think this poem could flow like a meandering stream through a chilly autumn forest*Bigsmile*... I will elaborate more on this in the Errors/ Suggestions section.



The Rhymes- (where applicable) This is probably my first experience with an Interlocking Rubaiyat, and so it took me a bit to clue in. This is definitely an interesting poetry form, and you've kept the rhymes tight all throughout.



Imagery-The whole poem is jam- packed with imagery, describing every imaginable sight and sound of a forest setting. Almost every line introduces us to a new creature or piece of nature and the effect conjures up a fantastical image of a natural fairy tale. I feel like going for a walk in the woods after reading this.



Errors/ Suggestions- My main problems with this one were in the rhythm section.
For example in the first verse you wrote -Red and orange leaves blow off into the brook...if you left out the word "off" in this line, it would flow with the rest of the verse without losing meaning.
- Then in the second verse As bear used sharpened claws just like a hook....maybe if you substituted the word "for" in the place of "just like" it would be smoother.

I guess now that I'm analyzing the piece, that's the two major rhythm issues I had, but another thing I noticed was an apostrophe issue. I'm pretty sure apostrophes are used to show either ownership (John's house), or abbreviation (I'm just sayin'), but you've used them in instances of pluralization.
- In the second verse you wrote It was from river that animal's took... here, "animals" needs no apostrophe.
- Then in the second to last verse you wrote The herb's and berry's they hunt for again... The correct form of these pluralized nouns would be "herbs and berries".

Other than that, I couldn't find any errors *Smile*


OverallOnce I got into the swing of things, I really appreciated the crafting that went onto this piece. Not only did you maintain the feeling of verses interlocking with the poem's structure, you also kept the narrative interlocked. You introduce us to a critter and show us an interaction, and then follow that which was interacted with until its interaction with the next thing and so on... I love seeing things connect in this way. Great job !





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Review of What Eases Pain?  
Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.


Initial Impression- I liked this poem for its subject matter. As a person who sometimes has difficulty getting to sleep I found I could relate. But as I read on I was delighted to see it transform into an exploration of the soothing sound of the rain. In my younger days I had a tendency to move around often, and by some weird coincidence it would usually rain on my moving days. I found the gentle pitter-patter of the rain always helped to lull me to sleep in new surroundings, so this poem is all the more relatable.



How's The Flow?- I found this poem on the review page where it mentioned this is an early attempt at poetry, and to be honest, the flow of this poem was a bit choppy in spots. I find it helpful to keep a syllable count per line and this will often (but not always) smooth things out. I guess it's a matter of finding words that work well together and fit the space. I will offer some in-depth suggestions down below.



The Rhymes- (where applicable)The rhymes were all spot on. A nice little AABB scheme going on with a slight diversion at the end which gives the piece a decent sense of closure.



Imagery- This wasn't the most detailed of poems I've read, but since it's a relatively short one that explores a couple of topics it's understandable. The first part deals with the problem of trying to get to sleep and is followed by the rainy bit and to get overly wordy would probably just complicate things. The way it is now is a very straight-forward and accessible piece.



Errors/ Suggestions- So I think the best way to go about this would be to call attention to the particular problem areas and suggest a way to improve it.
Here we go !
Rhythm Suggestions ▼

... So those were the biggest issues I could find. Just some suggestions to throw your way, what you do is entirely up to you *Smile*.
In any event , as far as spelling, punctuation and grammar, you were spot on!



Overall From a thematic point of view, I liked this poem very much. With a little work on the rhythm section, you'd have a top notch piece of writing here (in my opinion). Good job!





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Review by Scarecrow
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.

I just finished reading your piece Down The Rabbit Hole and thought I'd offer my two cents worth. So here's my view on...

The Plot- I like how you've taken a story of a near death experience and presented it through the eyes of a child. Such an experience would be jarring for an adult let alone a child and I like how you've captured the simplicity of a child's perceptions throughout the story. It has a definite feel-good ending not only because of the protagonist's recovery, but also for her revelation on what matters most in life.


The Characters- The unnamed protagonist, who I'm assuming is a little girl (because of the reference to "Alice") is essentially the only one who is truly fleshed out. There's not much in the way of physical description, but I really admire the way you'd describe the situation as it unfolded interspersed with bits of her internal dialogue. It was a really effective method to show how a child can turn a complex experience into a simple observation.


The Imagery-When I read the first line... A high-pitch squeal similar to a drill winding down filled the room...I knew I was in for a wonderfully descriptive tale. It's hard to pinpoint the high points, because the story is riddled with the type of imagery that made this reader able to visualize the scenes described without being overly wordy. A part that stuck out for me was the whole paragraph beginning with My angel is here with me.. While reading it, I could mentally envision the awe-striking splendour of what may very well lie just beyond our world.


Errors?- In terms of spelling, punctuation and grammar, everything was flawlessly spot on (as far as I can tell).


Overall Impression- Overall I liked this story very much. I've read many a near-death story, but I don't recall one being told from a child's perspective. This gave the whole genre a fresh perspective for me. And speaking of perspectives, I also like how the story closed with the child's new sense of reality...as if the scales have fallen from her eyes, as it were. In any event, the underlying message of how we should all try being decent to one another is one that I think most readers will appreciate and ponder. Great work !


Scarecrow
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