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215 Public Reviews Given
231 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to go in depth on how I felt whilst reading it. I'll point out where I was tripped out of my flow by sentence structure or oddity. What confuses me. What intrigues me. Examples can be seen in my recent reviews. Happy to review privately on request. Default will be public.
 
I use "Comment-In-A-Box"  for my ratings.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi Fantasy Humour
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry Romance
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories / Chapters 1-5
Least Favorite Item Types
50 chapter novels - I don't have time to get through that much.
I will not review...
Artsy poems that I struggle to 'get'.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 ... Next
1
1
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A really lovely tale that somehow is randomly better for the canine aspect.

I'm not sure I can articulate why, perhaps it just resonates with me better. I feel like it affords you a greater array of sensory and descriptive options to keep things fresh, especially in terms of smells and tails. I love the talk of milk teeth as a demonstration of feeling more mature.

Joey is a well written character - capturing well the essence of his age, including interaction with an older sibling, and a beloved grandparent. Both felt realistic.

Suggestions wise - I don't have much. It all works well.

Right at the end you drag it on a touch too much with the double use of 'Cause' in subsequent sentences. That's a little jarring. I think the ending would hold more punch if you just ended after the first one. That's being very nit-picky though.

Happy Writing *BigSmile*





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review of Love and laughter  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hey Saugat,

A beautifully heart warming tale of love healing loss, and a journey of coming together.

Technicalities & Observations

The plot, whilst heart warming, follows a predictable and somewhat clichéd trajectory. The characters, Emma and Henry, face emotional struggles, but their journey towards healing and finding love feels somewhat formulaic with a lack of specifics. I don't know Emma's hair colour, or eye colour. I feel like I don't know anything about Henry save for 'charming and witty'.

It's jarring at the beginning to have Emma have a heart full of warmth, only for two sentences later for Henry to be bringing a glimmer of light into Emma's world. It's contradictory and confusing. If Emma is depressed because of Andrew then there's nothing wrong with starting her off depressed. Perhaps have a neighbour or parent wistfully recall the happy child of her youth if you wanted to show she was once happy.

I would love to see more of Henry's demons too. He seems very underdeveloped.

Summary

Overall, this piece is a beautifully crafted love story that explores themes of loss, healing, and the power of love. It is emotionally resonant, with a compelling narrative. The message of hope and the transformative nature of love will leave readers feeling uplifted and inspired.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review of Work in Progress  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey


Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.

I'm getting Hitchhikers Guide vibes in what you're aiming for here. Definitely a similar style of humour that makes the corners of my lips start twitching upwards.

It feels a little forced though, like you are trying too hard for it to be funny. It's hard though to put a finger specifically on what is giving me that impression.

I would suggest perhaps a rewrite where it doesn't break the fourth wall with comments to the 'reader' like:

Stay with me on this.

You guessed it:


Make it more a traditional story and I think it might lose the 'trying too hard' feeling and let some of the fun imagery and visualisations you do so well come out stronger.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review of Awakening  
Review by Smee
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey Maldakir,

Spotted your greetings in the Newbie Academy forum, and checked out your port. We've shared a very similar love for reading - the WoT and SoT series in particular were big parts of my growing up.

It's fantastic that you're now taking up the quill to get some of your own writing down. Let's take a looksee at what you have so far.

Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.

Technicalities & Observations

I am not sure why I came to be as I am now, all at once there was an awareness inside me.
 I think we need a stronger break than a comma between the red parts. Probably separate sentences.

~

Names and places called towns, what need have I of these my Mistress.
Likewise here. Two separate parts. I'd even go so far as to put the second part in speech marks. "What need have I of these, my Mistres?"

~

murderous lightening,
 Small typo on lightning, but I like 'murderous'. You have some great descriptions throughout in fact.

~

The ground, so long had it held me true was heaving me out.

Need another comma after true. You can picture it such that if you remove the parts between the commas the sentence still makes sense. i.e.

The ground was heaving me out.
The ground, so long had it held me true, was heaving me out.

~

The searing pain was subsiding, the fire inside me passing.

Tenses are starting to get weird here. The rest of this paragraph is in present tense, yet you start it in past.

I opened my eyes, seeing for the first time all that was and had been around me always.
 Same here. Slipped back to past tense briefly.

~

The sight of her struck him as magnificent,

The leap to 'him' after being first person perspective for the whole thing was very jarring.

The warmth that came from her hand made him think of sunshine.

Awww, that's a lovely thought.

Summary

Quite a fascinating 'awakening' from tree to man. This story could go anywhere as he learns who and what he is, and we learn why and how he's been awakened. Very intriguing.

Watch your tenses (I suggest just doing the whole thing in past tense - present tense is tricky at the best of times) and your perspective. Otherwise very solid writing with some delightful word use.

More!

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review of Snowflake  
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey there Anthony

I'm here at your request, for a review. Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.

Technicalities & Observations

“We…can’t,” I said slowly, struggling to resist the urge [to] of kissing her back.


Summary

Technically there isn't too much wrong in this piece, but I think you tried too hard to be extra flowery with your language, and it comes across a bit weird and forced.

"I peered through her tormented eyes for reconciliation, but to my dismay, there was none."


I stared into her eyes, hoping for understanding and receiving only

Most of the time, simple is better.

My heart began to pound rigidly

I have no idea how a rigidly pounding heart differs from a normal pounding one.

Otherwise I will be forced to leave you here alone in this numbing cold.

Again, not wrong precisely, but it seems odd for someone to speak like this unless they're enacting a Shakespeare play.

There's definite talent here. There's awareness of some deep concepts in writing. There is also great emotional depth. Practice, practice, practice - and the right time to use all that you know will follow.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review by Smee
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey again Jace,

Haha - I think I've read near everything in your port to find this. A quick moment to add I loved the 'Dear son' tradition story in particular, but you have so much good stuff.

That said - lets get to finally dunking you. *Laugh*

Technicalities & Observations

One half hour that was at once too long a time to think, yet too short to make sense of her actions.

Just one example of the excellent insights you show here. Events like this make paradoxes all over, and this is one such.

Summary

Touching on the subject of depression again, with the introduction of suicide attempts too. You once again do great to show some of the effects it can have on those around the person - not to take from their own suffering - but they aren't alone.

In particular I like how you captured Mike's guilt. Emotionally cheating is really working hard to lay some blame on himself, but at the same time there's some logic to it. There are different ways of being unfaithful I guess. I can't blame him for needing a friend though. Living on eggshells is no way to live.

You also touch on aspects of faith - most strongly on the idea of a person of faith reconciling to take their own life. I'm with Mike with this one - very hard to wrap your head around. Without getting too deep on it, I find that the most dangerous aspect of building a life around a foundation of belief. If that belief falters it can tumble everything down.

That's a lot you cram in to so few words. Excellent once again.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
7
7
Review by Smee
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Jace,

I'm back again - and man did this take some finding!

Summary

It's the time of year where the dreaded C-mas threatens to appear in shops, despite there still being numerous events before it in the calendar. I can easily appreciate the rising tensions.

I love the opening stanza. It reminds me of my times skiing, alone, early morning. The snow is still fresh and crisp. The air clear and bright. Alone with nature.

On reading again I think I realise this is more than just a walk through nature before the holiday season descends. It's actually about the hunt for a christmas tree. Not an intuitive activity for someone who typically hunts them at a store. This simple understanding brings new depth to the verses and I appreciate it all the more. I particularly like

The tree long sought is just a fleeting badge,


Fleeting indeed.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
8
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey again Jace,

Dunks abound as we continue on.

Summary

I have to wince that you chose a poem, and a free-form one at that. I often don't get them, nor know what to say about them.

The topic here though, like so many others, has touched my family so I think I follow with this one. I remember asking my Dad if he was ok, whilst dealing with my step-mum's depression. Even secure and far away from her, with no way for her to find out, he couldn't bend for a moment and show truly how it was for him. He wasn't the one with depression, but it sure took its toll anyway.

afraid to rock the boat.
afraid to show my fears, my apprehension.
afraid of my weakness.


Clearly lines my Dad would resonate with.

And yet he would also answer the final question with a resounding yes.

A clever poem delving into a difficult topic with insight and understanding.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
Review of Little Ships  
Review by Smee
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Jace,

I'm back for more dunking. Although with another emotional roller-coaster it's more like me that's getting dunked here.

Technicalities & Observations

beach south of Dunkirk almost seventy years ago

You do the reveal of 'miracle of Dunkirk' in the next line. It felt awkward with Dunkirk repeated here. I suggest removing this mention - perhaps hinting to the geography more subtly.

She died in my arms. I never saw my mother again.

the youngest sixteen. The youngest one never made it home.

Lines like bullets - you set them off flawlessly.

flashes from the shelling turned the night to day for a few seconds like some macabre circus show.

Amazing imagery.

Summary

You captured the idea of a flashback really well, and somehow get into the head of an 80 year old going back to the head of a 9 year old. It felt natural and smooth.

I liked the moments of french, and you covered the language barrier amazingly well at first, but then it seemed to dip. From understanding 'a little' it became a non-issue afterwards except a final confusion over 'linguist'. Perhaps have a couple mentions of Owen translating, and perhaps some extra language issues at the end to compound Owen's loss.

Heart wrenching and beautiful, with a lovely ending.


Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review by Smee
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Jace,

I'm just taking a moment out, nothing to worry about, no one here is out to dunk you. *Smirk2*

Technicalities & Observations

"My name is Taylor. T-aaa-y l-ooooo-r."

What a great opening. I am immediately given a taste of what's to come and can all but hear his voice as he spells it out.

I thought I'd interview him--you know, like a reporter on TV. He loved that.

And I'd love it too - great idea.

"But I have to be quiet so's the other kids don't know."

*giggles* Oh I love kids with secrets. It's like they are covered in grease and they just can't hold on to them no matter how hard they try.

He looked down and started fiddling with his hands.

We kind of never really grow out of this. We might be able to control it a little as we grow up, but really when it comes to the harder stuff we are all just little kids again.

picked up a yellow squirt gun, and pointed it at an imaginary villain.
Lovely observation. It is great how unconscious feelings come out.

"Butterfly Kisses and Baby Bear Hugs," he said triumphantly.

Ok - adorable-overload. *Heart*

"Sometimes I have to trip on purpose. I have to let him catch me so's I don't miss out."

*melts*

Summary

I'm sure any parent, or grandparent would be an absolute mess after a piece like this, because as a 33 year old bachelor with little intention to have his own kids you completely wiped me out. Just utterly adorable. A very special little boy that could surely melt the coldest heart.

Thank you for sharing.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
11
11
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Steve,

Where to begin with this one! No not because it's in any way bad. I just find myself awash in a vortex of nostalgia tinged with horror and amusement. A potent combination, but not conducive to coherent commentary! *Pthb*

I'm going to skip my usual headings and just waffle about what comes to mind and bits that stood out.

The opening section is great. Introducing two concepts I immediately adore. Free-range boys, and helicopter parenting. I've always wanted a brother. I grew up with a sister, 18 months younger. I'm not sure if it would have made a difference to my own treasure chest of considerably more conservative stories, but it's there all the same. I had my summers in the woods with the child-minder's boys, and my friends. We played 'manhunt', made small fires, and constructed horrifically perilous tree swings that would have melted the faces of modern H&S officials had they seen. But I was a smart kid in school. Always did my homework. I've never broken a bone. Never been to hospital. Whether through cowardice, or luck I'm not sure but I think it's a healthy dose of both.

So it's only with some wincing that I read through these tales of red smears being measured and gravel-absorption world records. Additionally tainted by the shadow of my thirties, yours sounds like a terrifying childhood.

But all's well that ends well (except for Marty).

~

==> We were Tyrannosaurs riding across that colossally free, unfettered era before the asteroid of bike helmets.

I love it. This whole piece is festooned with remarks like this. I read Tyrannosaurs and wondered where on earth you were going with this one, and then the ending just blew me away. You take metaphors to new heights throughout, and this was one particular highlight for me.
~
==>Our bike ramps provided us with one of those many wonders of nature: great height,

Reading it again here on it's own, this sentence is fine, but at the time I tripped over it, such that I found myself rereading it a couple of times trying to get it untwisted in my head. I think in this case it's just a little wordy.
~
==> smoking under the full strain of leg muscles bulging and gravity boosting

I'm not sure what you mean by gravity boosting.
~
==> Variously viewed as a victim or villain, a vindicated Vinnie vaulted to the vertex of virtuoso violinists.

Hahahaha, now you're just showing off. *Laugh*

Summary

As a fatherly/grandfatherly type tale of youth, sat around a campfire, or reminiscing one sunday afternoon, this piece is awesome. Funny, well told and thought provoking.

If you're looking in the direction of publication though I would say this gets a bit too waffly in places and could be cut quite a lot shorter without losing much of the meat. The foundations section for example.

Thanks for sharing. I'm heading back to my parents house in a couple of weeks, and I think now I'll be making time to head back into those woods.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey OW,

As requested I am here for your review, and I'll try to be gentle *Laugh*.

Technicalities & Observations

==> “Ours is not the [to] reason why!

Small error with the quote.

==> resulting fragments were like wooden shrapnel.

Surely the result IS wooden shrapnel, not like. Perhaps the fragments could be like 'miniature spears seeking flesh' or something like that?

==> endearing military term for “The Leader,

This might be what you meant, but just in case - might this be enduring?

==> creamed both enemy divisions with a B-52 strike with hundreds of thousand-pound bombs.

The repetition of with is a little awkward. It should work fine if you change the latter to 'and'.

Summary

An interesting tale. I don't know much about the Vietnam War, only what I remember from the Robin Williams' film, and Forest Gump, although as a Brit it wasn't that big a thing for us.

The diary style is good, but makes it harder to critique as realistically a diary (particularly written in such a setting) wouldn't be word perfect anyway. Idiosyncrasies and colloquialisms are expected, just as if it were dialogue in any other story.

Typically you should be writing out numbers that are less than 25, so places like:
past 8 days, 2 KIA and 4 WIA

I liked the moments of humour - the old man nickname, the GI farts, base camp warriors etc. You sprinkle them throughout nicely and keeps things from being a bit too dark.

Hope this helps.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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13
13
Review of George Loses It  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Jim,

Third and final review then.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I step in somewhat cautiously, after reading the tag line. After seeing something of your imagination this morning I'm not sure what I'm expecting. *Laugh*

Summary

Technically flawless again - at least to my level. And definitely not what I was expecting!

I enjoyed the story, but I've always struggled with these kinds. I don't understand why people would get so worked up over something like this. I like to think I would be quite delighted if I found the forest to be talking to me, and would react completely differently in a similar situation. Probably the same part of me that wishes the owl due around about my 11th birthday telling me of my place in Hogwarts is just 22 years late, and will get here soon.

Of course you've added your own evil-genie twist to it. And the cute cuddly animals turn quite naughty at the end.

I wonder how he ever managed to kill something in the past, if, like the voices are suggesting, they are all connected and communicating. Surely his past victims would and could have been alerted to his presence and the kill avoided. Although maybe they allowed it to entice him back again whilst they worked whatever magic was necessary for him to hear them.

Like all your stories today, you raise interesting questions.

Enjoy the rest of your anniversary.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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14
14
Review of Moving On  
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Beast,

Back for more on behalf of House Targaryen on this Anniversary day.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Summary

I didn't spot any technicalities, so a very easy review. Solid writing that I just flowed through without being jolted out like I so often am. A pleasure to read.

So to the story. How I empathise with Jim. I know I have amazing dreams, but that is pretty much all I remember of them. So frustrating, and at the same time fascinating. Often, after waking up I can all but physically feel the memories draining away. A most peculiar feeling. If I manage to write bits of it down then I do have some success with holding onto those parts, but I can never write them down to make the same sense they did at the time.

That said, was it even a dream in this case. Was his will, and desire to go back so great as to push the entity to allow him to return under the stipulation he forgets it all? Possibly so.

I like that the story asks these questions of the reader, and leaves it up to us to decide, even though it seemingly tied up the ending.

All that said though, can't say I've ever known what it was to bear a child in my womb. That's a crazy dream. *Laugh*


Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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15
15
Review by Smee
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Beast

Seems a little odd considering you run it, but...

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


A fun story, with an unexpected ending.

Technicalities & Observations

==> Yeah, you [and] about every other man in this bar.” Ron said.

Think you have a missing word there.

Summary

I do enjoy the mean-genie stories, and I think your guy here is perhaps up there for being one of the meanest I've read. *Laugh*

Death-by-transformation-into-hotdog-and-sucked-by-toothless-old-dog. That's fairly unique. I did stop to look up what the song was though - I'm not familiar with that brand on this side of the pond.

==> Alex learned to live his mother’s old warning, ‘Be Careful What You Wish For’.

It seems he didn't though really. His wishes did all seem to be fairly loose and wishy-washy. Never does he get really specific. I want a cheeseburger that is fresh, cooked to my preference, at a temperature greater than room temperature but low enough I won't be burnt eating it. I will be able to eat it with enjoyment, and won't choke or in any way be injured because of eating it.

I'm sure there's still ways around it, but as Alex I'd atleast want to make the Genie work to be an asshole.*Bigsmile*

The writing is solid. I spotted only the one minor typo. A good read.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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16
16
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Derek,

Thank goodness your name is at the top of this piece - sorry I just couldn't seriously call you Donkey Hoetay. *Laugh*

I'm here on behalf of House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones"  event. Congratulations on your recent third place in the newbie competition. Let's take a look at this story.


Technicalities & Observations

==>He realized, as he looked under the couch, that the pool of blood was seeping progressively towards her feet.

Holy ... ok this isn't going where I thought it was.

==> Then, inexplicably, they popped forward like the reptile eyes in a slot machine, along with a grin only a serpent could muster.

Uh oh, no you're not surprising me a second time. *Laugh*

Characters / Dialogue

Very nicely done. I'm not even all that familiar with the American accent variations, and yet the change in Clint was very nicely done as he reverted back to his roots.

The dialogue was elegantly done throughout. Sounding natural and flowing.


Pacing and Plot

The pacing was stunning. The big reveal moments were peppered brilliantly throughout, leaving me on an excited edge consistently from the very first reveal.

Summary

I've reviewed all the winning pieces today, and all three were very good. This was the most gripping of the three though, and to me would probably have pushed it higher up the rankings because of that. You didn't shy from interesting description to set the scene either, so the whole story was very vivid in my mind.

Very well done - here's to more breaks from the second novel and more shorts like this.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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17
17
Review of Deception  
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Pamela,

Congratulations on 2nd place!

I'm here for a review on behalf of House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones"  event.

Let's have a look at this story!

Technicalities & Observations

==> "So, what is it you want?"

I love dialogue opening lines. Typically gets you right involved and hooked in.

==> Kate looked at her father through the security screen. She thought he looked absurd in his day-glow orange jumpsuit,

The first looked could be 'stared' to avoid the repetition.

==>"Of course, she answered. "You're my daddy."
"And you're my princess" he responded automatically.

Lovely dialogue and character moments in this piece.

==> She tried for a grin but didn't quite make it.

Another clever character building line. Love it.

==> One minute impatient that he came

I'm not sure came is the right word/tense here.

Summary

How did I not see that ending happening?*Laugh* Excellent, and the answer is because I was wrapped up in your storytelling and not thinking about the ending. You paced it out nicely, ensuring we knew how nervous she was, but without it dragging on and being whiny. Good job and very well done in the competition.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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18
18
Review of THE WAITING ROOM  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Scribe.

Many congratulations on your win.

I'm here for a review on behalf of House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones"  event. Can't wait to see this winning story!

Technicalities & Observations

==> It had the feel of a children's waiting room, the type of room I had sat in with the children, when they were young

A minor point, but the repetition in this sentence was a little jarring. The latter part isn't really needed, just a different way of saying the first part again. You could just combine it into ...

It had the feel of the rooms I had sat in with the children when they were younger.

Summary

A very solid story. Easy to see why you won, and well deserved. You captured the feelings very well. The little interactions, and the smiles. The paranoia and worries. An interesting little thing to note. People commonly yawn when they're nervous, might be a good snippet to include somewhere. Otherwise you get it all.

You don't let on at the end whether it's good news or bad, so when I say that this kind of depth hints that it comes from experience, then I hope it was good news for you. Or perhaps it's not from direct experience, but just good empathy and observation. Either way you deliver an emotionally charged short which would resonate with anyone.

Congratulations again.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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19
19
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Mumsy

It's entirely you're fault I couldn't resist going for Chapter 2 rather than picking something completely different like I usually prefer to do. I take none of the blame *Pthb*

Technicalities & Observations

==> I’d watched him work many times. His pride in his work was evident

Repetition was slightly jarring. There's another use of work just a couple of sentences above too.

==> The air conditioning was a welcome change [relief]

I don't think 'change' is the right word here.

==>eau de human

Ha! *Laugh*

She left Eden Lake to attend some hoity-toity private college, while I’d stayed in Eden Lake.
 Just repetition again. I don't think one of these is necessary.

Characters / Dialogue

==> I suppose I should mention that my parents are writers.
==> Did I mention I’m not a morning person?

In the first chapter I felt I was along for the ride with Ella. In this chapter it changes slightly, with these 4th wall breaking lines to my feeling like I'm sat having Sunday brunch with her and she's telling me the story. Not a bad thing, it works fine, especially with Ella's humour. But I wanted to mention it.

A lot more new characters again, and again you're riding the line of too many. A precarious position, but still skillfully handled.

Pacing and Plot

Things slowed down here. Not an awful lot happened. It seemed like this chapter is lacking some push to the plot and was mainly filler to allow for introducing more characters. Still amusing, the meal in particular with the varieties of food made me laugh, but filler all the same. I'm not sure what, but putting something of substance plot-wise in here would be welcome I think, even if it makes it a bit longer, as it's a relatively short chapter.

Summary

You're building up the story very nicely. You have a wonderful way with characters and dialogue that makes me feel like Ella and I have been friends for years. Lovely to read.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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20
20
Review of The Carousel Ride  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Mumsy,

Welcome to the start of a Port Raid from me on behalf of House Targaryen. This is the first piece I found, lets get to it.

Technicalities & Observations

==> The full moon hung high and bright in the evening sky, illuminating Anna’s way as she slipped carefully through the bent iron bars.

I like to look closely at first lines, particularly for short stories like this. I want to feel hooked into to carry on. Here it is the bent iron bars which work as the hook. I have to work through a fairly long sentence to get to them, but then I'm instantly drawn onward to find out why are they bent, what do they guard against. The rest of the sentence gives some nice scene setting without going overboard.

==> She waited patiently until he had left the area, then crept out from her hiding place.

Such tight word counts in these Writer's Cramps. The red words here I don't think add anything I didn't already know, and would be viable choices for saving a few words to perhaps add more detail elsewhere.

==> Her objective loomed in the distance, shadow and promise

I love the blue phrase. It is full of mystery, and also a kind of contradiction - shadow not something usually mixed with desire/aims.

==> her ears keen for any sounds.

Surely in a fairground there'd be loads of noise. This struck me odd and deepened the mystery of what Anna was up to. And of course it is explained shortly after. Very cool.

Summary

Aside from finding the bold text a little off-putting, this is a great story. You build up so much emotional connection in the latter half of the story over something seemingly so simple. With so few details the story comes alive, and my mind was filled with pictures. In this case, contrary to the usual saying, I think a few hundred words is worth a 1000 pictures!

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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21
21
Review of Just $29.95  
Review by Smee
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey Angus,

I'm back for review number 2 of this birthday bonanza on behalf of House Targaryen. Onwards!


Technicalities & Observations

==> After five long hours of staring at the alarm clock, two glasses of warm milk, and counting more sheep than he cared to remember, Rick Johnson gave up.

A much stronger opening line in this piece. This pulls me in to the story and makes me want to find out what on earth is stopping Rick from sleeping through all that.

Again I couldn't find any technical points, but now I see from your profile you've had a number of publishing successes, so I guess I should expect as much. *Bigsmile*

Characters / Dialogue

I loved the TV man character - you captured the mannerisms very well.

Summary

Man this took a creepy turn. I should have guessed given your penchant for horror. Being a big scaredy cat I'm not such a fan of horror.

You rather evilly leave this ending completely wide open. Did Rick actually chop of limbs? Was he asleep, or has he now just passed out from blood loss? Was it sleepwalking or the hallucinations of lack of sleep. Eugh, the only avenue you don't really leave open is one for a big fluffy happy ending, although I suppose you had the small mercy of not causing him any pain.

An excellent story, Angus. Very well told.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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22
22
Review of Scales  
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Goooood Morning Birthday Boy *Bigsmile*

I'm here representing House Targaryen in the first of three reviews I shall be spoiling you with today. Let's get started!

Technicalities & Observations

I usually check the first line of the story before going on to other technicalities, but I didn't spot any. Solid writing here. *Smile*

Characters / Dialogue

Steve is nicely done. He comes across as your average Joe, reacting reasonably and believably. Dialogue is natural and realistic.

A minor point :
==>“You need to go see a doctor,” I told him.

In such a small town, and the way Lenny mentioned 'Doc Simpson', perhaps this should be 'the doctor' rather than 'a doctor'?

Pacing and Plot

Pacing is smooth. You establish the background neatly, without excessive data dumps, and move through the various symptoms and effects at a good rate.

I would perhaps have liked a little more detail on the full transformation. Completed covered in scales, sure, but webbed fingers? Eyes still the same? Hair gone or still in place? Gills on their necks? I'm guessing they're not full on fish-people as they're walking down the street. Some kind of amphibious hybrid perhaps. Assuming your word limit was 1000 though you're pretty much used all your words. To free some up I would suggest maybe reducing some of your foreshadowing moments. Things like:

for this small town, things have only gone downhill in the last two weeks.


We'll learn that for ourselves anyway, in fine style, later in the story. I don't think such alerts add anything.

Summary

A very solid little story, cramming a lot into just under 1000 words. Great start.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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23
23
Review by Smee
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey Maddie,

Welcome to Writing.Com - I hope your first few days have been pleasant here.

This is a random review on behalf of the "Game of Thrones"  event. And wasn't this a fun little story to read. I love how it throws out the usual requirements and looks to more realistic needs and desires. Lets dig in a little deeper.

Technicalities & Observations

=> I sat on the roof looking at the water.

I always like to look at the first line, it's so important for capturing the reader's attention. You have quite a short one, but it's quickly followed up by the second sentence, plus we have the slight oddity of someone sitting on a roof. It was just hook enough to make me ponder. Nice job.

=> He was not marrying me for my bloodline because I was the same rank as a servant.

I found this a little odd. Typically, marrying below your station was very much frowned upon. Of course, this is your story, your world - the rules might be different - but it struck me as weird. If this wasn't intended, perhaps make her a little more important. The daughter of a rich banker, or important diplomat perhaps. Not a prestigious bloodline, but through prosperity, and therefore not so controversial for him to marry her.

=> In fact his mother's maiden name was charming

Her maiden name was charming? I don't understand how this is relevant?

=> My only option was too run,

Watch out for different kinds of 'to'. Double 'O' is for 'too' much of something, and is the wrong kind for here.

=> There were guards at ever gate

Typo - Every

=> If I was caught I would be put in the dungeons until the wedding

Wow - harsh! This is an odd kingdom. Friendly charming family. Why would they want to force someone into marriage?

=> I thought of him as the oposite

Typo - opposite. Seems quite a few typos in this piece! Perhaps check a bit more carefully in general.

=> We rode to what seemed like hours

I think you meant 'for' instead of 'to'?

=> He never saw me again, and I lived happily ever after.

Haha - clever ending. Love it. *Smile*

Summary

This is a great turn around on a classic tale. But it's too short! I want more! More detail, more description, more ... well just more! How did a prince and someone so low meet? Why would they force a marriage? The ending all happened in just a few lines, and felt rushed. I felt like I have been shown a glimpse of a world, and not allowed to see more. It could go on for much longer, and the reader wouldn't mind. It's a fun idea, so play with it, and don't rush it.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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24
24
Review by Smee
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey

I wanted to return the review-favour, and this is the piece you put on the list, but I have to say I'm not great when it comes to poetry, especially when it isn't the rhyming kind. *Laugh* So my usual caveat of 'just my opinion' is even bigger than usual.

But I'll do my best. Ok ...trying to channel my old English teacher/Dead poet's society. Poems don't have to rhyme, words dripping like honey... lets go.

So I'm liking the second stanza the best. Perhaps that says something about the honesty you can feel when talking with someone anonymous. The simple nature of him appealing for fuel, willing to be labelled a thief, showing and bringing a power to his desperation to find Sarah.

Lets look to the first stanza. So I think this is trying to set the scene. Demonstrating the abilities he has, and yet finding them useless for finding Sarah. Not sure I'm getting the second line. A void-moth is an interesting concept. Not sure how it mixes with cosmonaut, or why you chose that instead of astronaut. Might be as simple as you being Russian, lol. I personally would have gone with a second demonstration to pair with the first. Perhaps something like...

A man can race through comet trails
Or surf the corona of a star


On to the last verse.

I'm liking the list order in the first line. His life is in the middle, like it's not the most important thing he's setting. That would be his ship, the only thing he has which has a chance of finding her.

I got confused by the second-to-last line.
who never earned the right to slip

Her not earning the right to something (even something like escaping) seems counter to her being the most important thing to him. I'm missing something I'm sure, but that's how it read to me.

~
Summary

Overall it achieves what it sets out to. The loneliness, the isolation, the hopelessness of his goal, the absolute certainty he'll keep trying anyway. A poignant read, thanks for sharing.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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25
25
Review by Smee
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey,

The random review button brought me here. Powerful words. I enjoyed this piece.

At everything, the favorite son does excel.
One day twin draft notices arrive in the mail.

I couldn't help notice that mail doesn't seem to rhyme with excel. Otherwise all the lines work well.

I think the opening stanza is probably the strongest. It sets the scene and introduces the potential conflict straight away.

I'm not sure I'm completely getting the final words. 'Then die sad'. To me this is implying his Dad is still mad, despite the pardon. Kinda hoping I'm wrong though.

Thanks for sharing and...

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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