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215 Public Reviews Given
231 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to go in depth on how I felt whilst reading it. I'll point out where I was tripped out of my flow by sentence structure or oddity. What confuses me. What intrigues me. Examples can be seen in my recent reviews. Happy to review privately on request. Default will be public.
 
I use "Comment-In-A-Box for my ratings.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi Fantasy Humour
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry Romance
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories / Chapters 1-5
Least Favorite Item Types
50 chapter novels - I don't have time to get through that much.
I will not review...
Artsy poems that I struggle to 'get'.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 ... Next
26
26
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey Exold,

Welcome to WdC - I hope you've been enjoying your time here. I found this story by pressing the Random Review button. Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.


Technicalities & Observations

When i was 8 years old and all my friends wanted to be

Red: Watch out for capitalisation.
Green:Typically best to write out smaller numbers. Rules vary, but less than a hundred is a reasonable one to go by.

It says that android assistants were invented only two hundred years ago. Really, how could people live like that?

Clever way of showing the reader that we're in the future. Nicely done.

"What do we have here? A newbie!",

This feels weird. Newbie doesn't seem like a 3214 kinda word. Why is he surprised? Wasn't he expecting Jake? How did Jake get the job? It all felt a bit rushed.

Father Time asks jokingly

If it's a test to ensure Jake knows his rules, why does he say it 'jokingly'? Kinda gives the game away.

When one changes the past, his existence is erased."

Oooh interesting. A time change doesn't guarantee someone would be erased from time naturally. This is suggesting the punishment is 'erasing'. Harsh! Hints at some kind of dystopian nature to this future. Good way to get readers wanting more.

Summary

I was always fascinated by the concept of time travel.

Me too! I love the quote “If time travel is possible, where are the tourists from the future?". Somehow this doesn't dampen my enthusiasm. As your story suggests - iron rules could help hide their presence!

On that note - is iron really the best choice of material in 3214? Diamond rules? Platinum rules? Megatechblotium rules *Laugh*

It's a interesting premise. Some careful thought on the details, and making it believable should see this turn into something.

Thanks for sharing, and

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
27
27
Review of Don't care.  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey Neasha,

Welcome to WdC. I hope you're enjoying yourself here.

This letter popped up for me to review when I pressed the random review button. Remember, my comments are just my opinion - take from them what you will.

Some wise advice in only a few lines. Don't let them take your smile. A clever way of putting it.

It would be good to see this piece extended. Who is it written to? Who from? Who are the bullies? Build it up into a full scene. It could be quite the powerful piece.

Thanks for sharing and ...

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
28
28
Review of I Am  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Midnight,

I found your piece via the Random Review button. Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.

I will admit, it's quite some time since I was at school and I had to look up what you meant by transient states. Not sure my search was helpful.

Regardless, this is an uplifting piece which I enjoyed. I think the later stanzas are the stronger ones. I loved the rainbow simile in particular.

The opening line I feel is a little short and doesn't quite match the rest of the poem. Perhaps a 'special present'? It's only a minor change, but it kind of links the being something 'miraculous' later on.

hoping someone will discover the gift that is inside.


I also wonder if the orange might be a little stronger changed to 'of me'. Kinda matches the last line me's. Just a thought.

Thanks for sharing.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
29
29
Review of White Tornadoes  
Review by Smee
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey r32312,

I found this piece via the Random Reviews button. Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.

Technicalities & Observations

“Do you think it's possible that you can not mention your wife or refer to her in any way whatsoever for five minutes?

I always like to look at first lines. Does it hook in the reader? In this case, yes it does! I know some people don't like it, but I personally think dialogue is a great way to open. Given this story is entirely dialogue I guess you didn't have much choice there though. Ha. We instantly have some kind of conflict going on, I want to know why. Great opening.


Unfortunately, you have these, what, attributes. I'm afraid I've got you, to steal a famous lyric, 'under my skin.'”

I got a little mixed up on this sentence. Had to read it a few times. I think the red part was the main culprit. I also think you need a stronger escape for the blue part. Perhaps hyphens or even brackets. So cheesy a line though, made me smile. *Laugh*


“I will. I don't have a choice.”

Haha, great ending line.


Characters / Dialogue

As mentioned, this piece is entirely dialogue which is a common challenge here on WdC but not one I've ever tried out I don't think. You manage it very well. I found Julia to be a little all-over-the-place personality wise, but that may be intentional to show how she's trying to manipulate him. Clearly the judge likes that, although can't say I'm equally drawn to someone who blows from hot to cold and back again so quickly. *Pthb*

Pacing and Plot

The obvious choice for where they are to begin with is just in bed. It's not until quite late in we find out we're at an airport. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or bad. The discovery is a kind of 'aha' moment, but that better suits murder mystery stories, and perhaps not this. Possibly it was a distraction from the drama. In general though you keep things moving, you have the fun reveals (like him being a judge) come out at the right time. Good stuff.

Summary

A concise little scene; well crafted and with a good ear for natural sounding dialogue. You slip in fun moments of humour too, building up a relationship and history between these two people so very quickly, and with just them talking.

Thanks for sharing this piece, and...

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
30
30
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey

I'm doin' me the rounds of the rootinest tootinest stories in the WdC-west. Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.


Technicalities & Observations

Unlike what she had read in stories, Laura didn't know from the first time she saw him that she would end up with him.

I like to look at the first line to any story. Does it pull me in? It's not the strongest of openings, but it works. It is kinda foreshadowy, which I typically don't like, yet having read through to the end it merely sets up for the twist. Good stuff.

We just sat and talked while we slurped down our strawberry milkshakes, as was ritual for a hot summer day that Jake had a double break at the drug store

I had to read this sentence a couple of times, busy busy. I think it is trying to do too much in its current format.

but it was just one of those things a girl just has to appreciate

The double 'just' was awkward enough to jolt me out of what was otherwise a funny part of the story. You only need one of them.

The sky was now a deep magenta, laced with violet

Quite lovely. The laced with violet is a nice touch.

Summary

“We ride and never worry about the fall, I guess that’s just the cowboy in us all.”

I love this saying. An eloquent line which sums up this story. You get inside Laura's head beautifully and - most importantly - in a believable way. Likewise your dialogue is great too. Yours is the fifth, of five stories with a western theme I've looked over today and the only one to capture the dialogue in a satisfying way.

Thanks for sharing.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
31
31
Review by Smee
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey BBWolf,

I've read all the archive of newsletters. Some excellent stuff in here. They make quite the collection altogether.

I think your strongest ones were the Anachronism, and Steampunk ones. They explained concepts many might not be familiar with, and used some good examples to help demonstrate. I enjoyed them a lot.

I also liked the efforts you went to, to gather relevant quotes for some of the newsletters. They helped enrich the explanation very well.

~

I think things went a bit weaker where you got distracted by information beside the point of the topic. Where you go on about the guy who added bad entries to your interactive. Or about the star rating on some of your pieces. I know these events are annoying, or upsetting, but I felt they interrupted the point of your newsletter and weren't so good. Those thoughts are better for your blog instead.

Also I think sometimes you cut yourself off short. For example, in your Werecreatures newsletter. You have some excellent examples of creatures from around the world. I thought the concept of the Wereshark from the Philippines was fascinating. Never heard of them.

But then the newsletter ends with no mention of the moon, or moon-cycles. How werecreatures breed/infect others (lycanthropy), about Silver, or it's effect on werecreatures (or whether that's just werewolves, I don't know!). I know it's a huge topic, but I think the areas you chose to focus on weren't as effective as a guide to werecreatures as it might have been.

Perhaps take 5 minutes before writing a newsletter to jot down a quick list of the important areas to discuss, so you don't forget and miss any out when you get into the writing zone.

Look forward to seeing more,

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
32
32
Review of Mean Girls  
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Hyperiongate,

I'm on a Flash fiction, flash review session. Congratulations on you win with this piece. Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.

Technicalities & Observations

“Okay, it’s my turn. Will Adam ask me to the dance?”


My first thought was magic 8 ball. Either way, this was an interesting opening line. I wanted to know where it was going. And I never expected it was going anywhere quite so dark.

~

even in her own living room.


An immensely minor point, but both sleepovers, and Ouija board usage, say to me 'bedroom' rather than living room.

Summary

Very easy to see why you won with this. The scene was set quickly and the character of Jen was made well, easy to relate to her. Spot on use of the word limit too.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
33
33
Review of Good Times  
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey

I'm on a flash fiction flash review session. Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.


Technicalities & Observations

The porch light was off.


Whenever I'm reviewing a piece I'll look at the first line. Does it hook me in? Especially important for flash fiction, where every word counts.

This one is 50:50 - It begs the question, why is it off, and at the same time it's just a light. Who cares? But then there is the short, punchy nature of the sentence itself. Suggests more info is coming, and quickly. Read on to find out!

~

He found the lock with his fingers and slid in his key.


Watch out for repetition. It can be jarring to the reader. In this example, you can replace the second 'his' with 'the', or 'a'.

~

...expecting lights to burst on, to bust on, and then the night-gowned entity on the top of the stairs, glowering.


This sentence got really confusing by the end. I had to read it several times to follow it. I think simplifying this whole section would help. Making it more clear he was just expecting his wife to be waiting.

Summary

I'm not sure I get the ending, but an amusing little story of the husband coming home late after a drinking evening. I'm sure many of us have been there.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
34
34
Review of REGRET  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Sandra

I'm on a flash fiction flash review session. Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.

Technicalities & Observations

Rue's eyes flickered open as a soothing voice reassured her, "You won't regret this."


When reviewing, I always like to pay attention the first line in a story. Particularly for flash fiction. It's where the reader needs to be hooked in, and get them through the rest of the story.

You're using the first line to get the prompt in, and yeah, I think it works. We have a character, asleep/unconscious somehow perhaps. Who is she, what shouldn't she regret.

~

As the surgeon cut at the dressing at her neck, Rue recalled meeting him only weeks ago.


This felt a little out of place. One second we're enjoying jubilation, and then suddenly this flashback. It didn't feel quite right.

Summary

Not much to point out really - this is well written and interesting. I'm guessing it was related to the news of the first head transplant? Ha - it would definitely be quite a shock, that's for sure!

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
35
35
Review of The Prisoner  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Matt,

Welcome to Writing.com. I'm on a Flash Fiction Flash review session. Congratulations on your win with this piece. Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.

Technicalities & Observations

Roughly scratched tally marks on the wall showed that Joel had been there for 2 years


I'm a big stickler for first lines. Especially in flash fiction. Is it exciting, does it draw in the reader? In this case yes. Scratched marks, two years - my first thought was desert island. That it was prison doesn't matter. I was intrigued, which is what is important.

A very minor point, but typically it is accepted to write out smaller numbers in full.

~

A danger to society, they said. We know you’re lying, they said. Guilty, they said.


I love the way you wrote this - punctuating the idea of being questioned with these short, sharp sentences.

Summary

Easy to see why you won. You manifest a complex character, in a sad situation, resolve it in a happy way, and yet still make us feel his pain. All in so few words. A great story.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
36
36
Review of Just Ask  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Gaelic Queen,

I'm on a Flash Fiction Flash review session. Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.


Technicalities & Observations

"The girls don't seem interested in going with me," Stuart sighed kicking a rock from the dirt path.


Think you're missing a comma between the two orange words.

~

"Jeannie in your science class, what about her?" Ned encouraged.


The first time was ok, but this second one seemed a little unnatural. Do two teenage lads really talk like this? Surely they'd both know these girls without labeling what class they're in? Or perhaps keep the label, but make it a little more casual. "How about Jeannie from science?". Although, perhaps I'm just tripping over an Americanism to call them all 'class'. Saves you a few words though.

~

Ned continues thinking of girls to ask.


I think that is a small tense slip there.

~

"I can see from the looks on both your faces, the question was asked and answered."


Similar to before - just seems a bit unrealistic. I can't imagine most teenage boys coming out with something like this - a species mostly know for communicating in grunts. "I see you asked her then."

~

Summary

A cute little story - the classic teenage dance crisis. You handle it tenderly, and make excellent use of the word limit. To my mind, your best focus for improvement is dialogue. Try reading it out loud and see if it sounds natural.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
37
37
Review by Smee
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hey Kyle,

Just saw your newsfeed, mentioning the editing of this piece ready for a competition. I thought I'd check it out. You also request our best/worst critiques. I'll see what I can do.

Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.

There's some good ideas in this story - I'm getting a similar vibe to the Airbender story, but with dragons rather than weird dance moves and arm-waving. There are some good dialogue moments, and some interesting character choices. We'll cover all those in the appropriate sections below.

There is however quite a lot that isn't so good. There are a lot of typos and clunky sentences. There is a lot of repetition and dodgy word choice. There is a lot of cheesy story telling and cringe-worthy plot events (like all the 4 kings being 'best of friends' and all suddenly turning up within minutes of an attack.) All combined, it made it difficult to read.

Let me pull out some examples so you can see what I mean...

Technicalities & Observations

The first line to any story is critical to hook in your reader, so I always give it a careful look-see in critiques. What I'm looking for is a hint that something interesting is happening, that there's some exciting event or knowledge I will want to know, and the only way to get it is to keep reading!

We once had many types of dragons that flew or roamed the lands of this planet.


Ok - this is very 'How to train a dragon' like for an opening. Introducing the world. Being a fan of fantasy I am always interested in how each author approaches dragons.

The orange (combined with flew) suggests some of them can't fly, which is possibly mildly intriguing if true. Sentence wise though is it really necessary to have the two variations of how they lived? Just roamed on its own allows for both flying and non-flying and makes for a tighter sentence.

Watch out for that - it's a weak, but sneaky little word. It can creep in to your writing everywhere without you even noticing it. And in a large percentage of times, any rewriting you do to remove it makes for a stronger sentence. You have 28 that's in your story. Typically you can leave the ones that appear in dialogue alone. It is quite natural 'that' people say it a lot.

Planet seems an odd word choice. Not a mistake, this is your story, but it sounds a bit 'scientific' for a fantasy setting. World, realm, land, existance, reality - all possible alternatives.

Overall the first line isn't bad, but it does hint at something a little less great. Exposition. And that is precisely what the first two giant paragraphs are. Lots and lots of waffle jammed straight down the reader's throat about all the different kinds of dragon.

This might be ok, but then the story properly starts, and what do we get. A teacher telling his pupils the same stuff we've just read.

~

Whilst we're looking at first lines, it's probably worth a quick glance at the snippet in the story details. This will be one of the first things a judge will see after all.

There is a threat of an Ice Dragon to attack, but they're legend, but how true is it?


I'm not quite sure what this is trying to say. The double 'but' certainly isn't good though. Maybe something like :

"Ice dragons had faded into legend. A sudden sighting threatens all four kingdoms."

~

These were the strongest of the dragons at the time and no one, or no thing, could stand up to them.


So this first big paragraph then. 12 sentences, 9 uses of fire, 3 thats, 11 dragons. It is very clunky, and doesn't need to be this long. Red fire, blue water - it's not exactly rocket science, it's the standard elemental colours. Ditto for red angry, blue healing etc etc. A little dull and standard.

There's far too much mention of the words dragon and fire too. Sure, there aren't really other words for them, but there are ways around it.

"There were once many types of dragon. Every colour of the rainbow could claim a species of its own, each with its own personality, and powers. The strongest were those of the primal elements. Red and yellow represented the raw forces of fire and earth respectively, none stronger. Blue and white claimed the powers of water and wind; not as overwhelmingly strong but possessing powers of healing and tranquility."

I don't include every detail you mention in your paragraph, but hopefully you can see how much of the information you can get across without repetition of the same words.

~

But a dragon the breathes ice instead of fire


A typo - ironically I believe you meant it to be 'that' which makes 29 of them!

Alternatively, to avoid - 'that' - you could say 'But a dragon with an ice breath instead of fire..."

~

He has been on this planet for many years and has traveled a lot, but he had never encountered an Ice Raider before.


I'm not sure the red is properly following the same tense as the rest of your story. We seem to jump randomly into the present tense.

~

It was a crystal color as if he had been caught in a storm of white rain.


A pretty description - moments like this showing me the diamonds to be found in your work. But making a diamond from it's raw-form, into the kind we are familiar with, takes a lot of polishing!

~

He spun around quickly and there the man was, standing only meters away from, still smiling.


I think you're missing a word between the two red words.

It's probably also worth mentioning adverbs - the orange. Typically these end in 'ly' and aren't popular amongst authors right now. They prop up weak verbs, where often (not always!) just using a stronger verb is far better. Often just removing them does almost nothing to the sentence, as in this case.

I think spun is fine on its own. If he'd spun slowly, then you'd have said 'turned'. But you didn't, you said spun, which implies speed, and therefore implies it was quick, without directly saying it!

It's something I'm particularly (<--- see!) bad at myself. They sneak in everywhere, worse than 'that'. You have something like 30 or so 'ly' words in your story. They don't all need to go, but do have a look at them and think if they really (<--- gah!) need to be there.

~

"Ice Raiders aren't suppose to exist either," Langholm replied. "And yet, I had one standing in my room, threatening my city!" Langholm rarely got angry. He was angry no, though, with his city on the line.


I liked this green line of dialogue - another of those diamonds. It shows character, and reads realistically.

Think you meant 'now', rather than no.

The orange sounds weird. More modern than fantasy again. Perhaps something like in danger, or under attack?


Characters / Dialogue

When he got to his room, he looked at himself in the mirror


Haha, oh don't do the mirror look. We're all guilty of it from time to time, but it really is the cheesiest way of describing a character. Besides, you'd already told us about his blonde hair and blue eyes earlier at the start of the class. It's cheesy, and repetition!

In general your characters kind of blend together. I don't feel particularly for Langholm, and didn't really care when one of the kings died. If you get rid of all the earlier waffle about the dragons, then you'd have much more space to add some scenes where we can see why these kings are all friends, perhaps get to know them a bit, and maybe then we might appreciate them a bit more.

There's an activity I'm doing right now - called the "Invalid Item. It is a 2 week exercise where you use the daily prompts to really develop a character. Get underneath their skin and understand what makes them tick. So far it has been very helpful to me. Perhaps it would be for you too. Developing Langholm in this way could be very interesting!


Pacing and Plot

They have the ability to cure any kind of dark curse from anything.


We don't need to know every power of every kind. Especially in a short story where those specific powers aren't used. In a longer story, foreshadowing such abilities can be good so they don't seem quite so contrived later on, but not here. The way you word this too - doesn't give much wiggle room for surprises. Ditto with the curing any wound. Having all you limbs lopped off could be considered a wound, can a blue dragon grow new ones for you? Sounds a bit too easy and over powered.

or this man really was an Ice Raider; a powerful one at that


If Ice Raiders are just myth, how on earth does he know he's a powerful one? He could be the weakest ice raider ever known - just so happens to be stronger than him!

You plot is ok. I did have to wince a bit at "finish off Iceronia, who was now defenseless without his master" - I can't imagine many dragons being defenseless without some silly man stood on his back. But it's your world, perhaps that is how it is.

Pacing wise you seemed in a rush. You were in such a rush to get to the big fight scene that you splurged all the information out to us in a mighty gush, rattled through the buildup and then settled down to the fight. I don't think it is a coincidence that the actual fight part contains much of the better writing. *Bigsmile*

Summary

My rating might seem cruel, but in it's current form it really was quite heavy going to get through it. There is something of a gem hiding in here though, which is why I not only finished it, I've written this essay trying to help - time to break out the heavy duty polishing cloths!

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
38
38
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hey R Mckeel

I'm on a Flash Fiction Flash review session. Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.

Technicalities & Observations

"This is so confusing," the boy muttered to himself, running through the forest.


Good good... the first line, particularly in flash fiction, is so important. The reader needs to be hooked in straight away. You set the basic location too.

The footsteps seemed to speed up and slow down in sync with his own, signaling that the person was following him in close quarters.


This seemed weird. I'm not sure it signals the person is in close quarters? It suggests they are making an effort not to be noticed, or heard. It suggests they are quick to react and have good sight of you. But I'm not sure it means they're so close.

~

He quickly realized that he was running in circles.


Flash fiction demands every word works overtime to boost the story as much as possible. You are so limited by the word count. Here, I would suggest you think about just what the red word is adding to the story. He was seeing the pond for the third time, how is that particularly quick? Surely seeing the pond for the second time would be enough? Every word you can cut, because it's misleading or unnecessary means you free up another word you can use elsewhere to make it better!

~

He sat down by the pond that he had passed by so many times, and curled up into a ball.


Wait? What about the terrifying thing following him? No mention of it? Wouldn't he at least take a look before curling up?

~

he saw not only himself, but a clone of himself sitting in the exact position.


Ok - now I'm just confused. I guess the title is appropriate.

Summary

You can make your work easier to read with the use of some paragraphing. As it is right now, it is just a big block of text which makes it difficult to read. Throw in some extra lines. Helps your readers out.

The story started good - made a compelling event, and set the scene. However it gets bogged down in some explaining and loses something of the sinister feeling. By the end it is just plain confusing as to what on earth is going on, and the feeling of resolution that is usual for a flash-fiction is missing.

The daily FF allows for 300 words. You're on about 230 at the moment. You have some leeway to slow down the ending a little, get some answers in there, and make it a complete story. This definitely has some good promise.

Keep it up.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

WIP : Membership sig for FSFS


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
39
39
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hey

I found this piece via the random-review button. I don't normally look at essays and general non-fiction but your topic heading intrigued me. I've obviously heard of epilepsy, but don't know an awful lot about it. I looked forward to learning more.

Technicalities & Observations

Getting critical with this piece is tricky as I'm not sure what your aims are with it. At the end there is mention of a book - is this the introduction?

At first glance some extra effort into visual presentation would help. It's currently a big blocky paragraph that is off putting to readers. Break it up with some spacing.

It starts off interesting - going back into the history. I could well imagine the religious folk of yesteryear finding seizures to be frightening and unnatural. Demons are an obvious leap. You jump then into the main jist of your writing. To defend the capabilities of sufferers.

If this is just a diary, or general announcement that's fine, but if it is a more formal essay or book intro then I think this is a mistake. There is much much more history to go into. Keep the emotions out and include more facts.

I was very surprised to get to the end of this and not see any mention over what the disease is, what it does, how it is most commonly triggered and how it is treated. Nothing. My own limited information tells me the trigger is usually strobe lighting which would suggest that (counter to what you say) there are many films, tv and video games that would be at risk of hitting a trigger. There's a lot of extra effort to keeping day to day life that is glossed over.

Summary

In summary this seems like more of a rant than an informed debate and educational piece. Disappointing.

Happy Writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
40
40
Review of these dreams  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (3.5)
Concise, and sensible advice wrapped up in this short poem.

I'm no poetry whiz so I can't get to technical, and in general I'm not a fan of poems. But this gets to the point quickly and with an interesting message.

I'm not sure the .... add the right kind of impact you're looking for. The lines are short and punchy, yet the extended ellipses are slow and drawn out. Kinda contradicts what you're going for. I think it works just fine with normal full stops.

The lame/same rhyme is a little weak. I think a line involving 'blame' could be easily worked in, and might be stronger.

The hazy isn't so good either - nightmares at least the few I've had are (by their nature) the least hazy of my dreams. They're the ones I can still remember years later rather than forgotten within minutes of waking. Tricky to come up with something else to rhyme with crazy though.

Food for thought.

Happy Writing :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Touch of Magic  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey

An intriguing story. I would be interested in seeing the full version. Did you have to cut much to make it fit in for the competition?

Technicalities & Observations

My general feeling whilst reading was information overload. It mentions many places and names that suggest it is a Chapter 1 for a much larger story but isn't. Even if it can be reasoned it is edited to become a short story, I would say that this would suggest taking a good look at some of the extra info and consider cutting it. Om'Vesaa, Andhun, Thayne's Outpost, Sighard, Stormguard, Bennetts, Amherst, Hentha. So many names. It breaks from the story.

Summary

As a chapter 1 it is good - introducing many intriguing details about what seems like a rich world you've created. As a short story it is frustrating and leaves me confused as to what is going on.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Dear Me  
Review by Smee
Rated: E | (4.0)
What a truly excellent writing exercise. I will be writing to my past self shortly, and wish I'd written one back at 17 to reread now! I'm 31 - maybe I'll write to a 17 year old me.

But first lets look at yours.

I like the tone you use. It's a kinda mishmash of older brother, favourite uncle, and best friend all rolled in to one. It lends it the right air of authority and experience and yet open enough to be accessible. You cover some dark subjects without sugar coating, and yet still manage to leave it with a possitive feel over all. 'Stay a fighter' is a great closing phrase.

If I'm following correctly, you wrote this at 17, to what seems like a 8-10 year old self. "Saying yes to a boy" ... did you adopt a son at such a tender age? Or am I misunderstanding? If so that's a brave undertaking. The rest of the letter reads more like you're 27 though. Perhaps it's a typo. Either way, still a fascinating read.

Thanks for sharing.
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Review of Untitled  
Review by Smee
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey John,

I saw your request for a review of your short horror story, and decided to check it out. As always, my comments are only my opinion, you can take what you wish from them.

This was a good story. I enjoyed it. It kept me reading to the end. It has a good twist. It was pretty well paced for a short story, although clearly could be stretched longer easily if you so wished, but it works fine as a short.

There's a couple of ambiguities that have been pondering whether they are enough to disrupt the story or not. I don't think they do, a lot can be simply explained away by the oddities of a madman. But I shall highlight them anyway so you can decide for yourself.

Technicalities and Observations

He was going seventy eight miles per hour, twenty three over the speed limit.


This first one is just a random query. Is it common in the US to have speed limits of 55 mph? As a Brit that seems unusual to me, we tend to stick to round numbers, 30, 40, 50 etc. Just checking *biggrin*

~

A sixth woman had gone missing.


As I said, this point could be explained away by his madness, but it jolted me to something suspicious going on, and perhaps you don't want that suspicion so early on in the story.

It's the whole police report thing - another woman disappeared. How would the police know, unless a missing person's report had been filed by a family member - i.e. (as we are led to believe) Jasper. If he himself hadn't reported his wife missing, then it is entirely unrealistic for him to be worried about his own wife being missing - especially when believing he'd seen her that morning. A missing person's report (as I understand it) isn't even qualified unless the person has been missing for more than 24 hours.

Would it have been more than 24 hours since the latest woman's family would have reported her missing? It's all confused by his insanity, but it stood out to me before I'd read the twist, and it was just not sitting right as I read.

Perhaps he could be unconsciously sending notes to the police informing them of another victim being captured - and that's how they know about it? Perhaps a desperate unconscious action to try and get himself caught, to stop himself going round and round this cycle he's trapped in.

~

The breakfast plate/unmade bed also confuses me. There must be breakfast dishes everywhere if he's always leaving them out for his absent wife. Or is he cleaning them himself in the evenings and then forgetting all over again the next day?


~

Summary

Titles... hmmm, can't say I'm an expert on titles.

- "You're not my wife!"
- "What's in a wife?"
- "Until death due us part"

Nice story, glad to have read it.

Happy Writing *biggrin*
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Review by Smee
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hmmm - as a British person I really can't understand this mentality.

Why would you, as a patron of this restaurant decide to spend money on a meal, knowing that you will be provided table service, when you will not be able to afford to show that you are gracious for the service you recieved?


I have to respond with ... why whould you, as an owner of a restaurant, not pay your staff sufficient wages such that they have to effectively 'whore' themselves to your customers in order to get tips to supplement the income? Surely it is in your own interest that your customers don't feel harassed into handing over more money when they've already paid their bill just to cover your short comings in paying wages.

Alternatively I would have to respond with... why would you, as a person looking for work, take a job where the wages are so low you have to try and wangle extra money from the customers just to suplement the income to a reasonable level unless desperate?

In England I do often leave tips for people who serve me in restaurants, and for hairdressers, and taxi drivers. But only when their service is EXCEPTIONAL. Not when it is simply what I expect from someone doing their job correctly.

Doing your job is what you are paid for - I'm not tipped for producing a report extra fast, or with pretty coloured font. It's my job, it's what I'm paid for.

If you want a tip then you need to go above and beyond (and even then I'd still only get a pat on the back). Sometimes the situation doesn't afford you the opportunity to do so, and that's unfortunate. But again I would place the responsibility in the hands of the underpaying Employers, and not the untipping Customers.

If employers can't afford to pay their staff a decent amount, then they aren't getting enough custom, aren't charging enough for their food, or are wasting money elsewhere. All of which speak of more serious business issues.

I personally am very glad to read of the decline in this trend in America - it is one of the most irritating things I experience when visiting there.

(I hope my enthusiastic entry into the issue you raised speaks volumes at my enjoyment of your piece here. A most interesting read).

Happy Writing :)
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Review by Smee
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey CJ

Heh, I like this. You create some amusing and (more importantly) believable banter between the two characters that is enjoyable to read. At times Viv gets a little over the top - the self admonishments to pull herself together etc were a little melodramatic, but that almost works for the characer you've created.

Some of the waffle about the taking notes, and details of the murder were a little dull too - surely a murder isn't that big a deal. But these are all minor niggles in an otherwise enjoyable prologue.

Lets have a quick look at some technicalities...


Technicalities & Observations

He’s in our small kitchen in our apartment.


Double use of 'our' so close together is a little jarring. 'The' small kitchen would do fine.

~

I look down at the body again.


I don't think this part is supposed to be italised, to indicate mind-to-mind speech.

~

wiff of all this blood


Whiff

~

Walking over to the bench at the end of the king size bed


I certainly don't think this is a rule, but I always prefer double descriptions like this to be hyphenated. i.e. King-sized bed. The way I would know is because you can know it isn't two seperate adjectives... a size bed doesn't make sense, nor does a king bed really. The two words require each other, so a hyphen just joins them and makes ths sentence smoother in my opinion.

~

Where the hell is my notebook? I need it to write this shit down.


Whilst I have little issue with swearing - here it sounds very contrived. She doesn't come across as a person who'd use such a turn of phrase.

~

“As far as wounds go I can see is this big dent in the back of his head.”


Hmmm - something went wrong in this sentence somewhere. I think it's the 'is'.

~

I swear, he would have made a great a Boy Scout,


An extra 'a' in there too.


Summary

Am I intrigued enough to keep reading - maybe. Enough to go the whole hog of joining the review group and checking out the whole novel. Not quite. You have a vampire wife and a murder, which 'on paper' sounds exciting enough. But somehow it just isn't. Again you have large amounts of witty banter in the dialogue which is fun but that is interspirsed with rather dull periods of dialogue. Combined it is dragging down the story. For an opening chapter I think we got into far too much detail of the investigation and didn't spend enough time on an interesting and well developed background. Aside from Rafe's good looks and Viv's clinging black dress, we don't know much about them.

You're really teetering on the edge of really good. I'm sure you'll get there.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
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Review by Smee
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey Aurelia

Yep - I can see why you found it interesting when you re-read it. This opening is most intriguing. Strong magic powers, exciting opening, some great description of the scene. I am definately itching for more, with questions oozing from my ears. Is it some kind of training facility/school, or are they just friends playing? Do the others have powers too? Why is Ian so powerful? Why do they need training, is there a threat?

Technicalities & Observations

is hands were clenched into tight fists--the only visible sign of stress he displayed


You mentioned he was panting slightly too - wouldn't this be another sign of stress, or atleast exertion?

~

He was of average height with a slim build,


You also mention he has red hair, and has a basically mundane appearance. All nicely spaced out to give details without a boring paragraph of droning description. Very well done. But on getting to the end, and finding out he's such a young boy, only 15 - I think you could hint towards this a little more in this first paragraph. Perhaps as simply as sticking in 'young' somewhere like "The young boy, Ian, was faced away from me," - I think this will add just a little emphasis and surprise to the ease Ian has defeating Amy.

~

Pieces of my black hair escaped my ponytail, striking my face and causing my eyes to water. Hunter .


I'm not sure 'Hunter' was meant to be there - it certainly confused me when I read. Is this a typo? It is italicised - perhaps you meant it as some kind of mind-to-mind communication with her partner? I think that's a little too subtle perhaps. It didn't occur to me atleast. Reading again, and thinking more - are you suggesting the wind was caused by some power of Hunter, as a signal for the attack? Again, to subtle I think.

~

Realizing my mistake, I cried out in despair. I was completely helpless, unable to perform the necessary task of breaking his stare.


Hmmm... I'm not sure anything needs changing, maybe it does. But just a small comment. I think this is almost too mysterious. What was her mistake? How comes she can't attack from 10 ft away like he can? How come she doesn't avoid staring at his eyes when she has already mentioned she has experience fighting Ian? What was she hoping to achieve, just charging straight at him?

It just comes across as verging on stupid of Amy, to simply charge the boy, as a means to easily display his power to the readers - and demeans Amy, and any abilities she might have. I'm assuming she isn't defenceless normally?

If you were game - perhaps extend the scene slightly, and having a longer battle where Ian can still defeat Amy easily, but through his sheer strength rather than a combination of his strength and her stupidity.


Summary

Definately a good start, and definately something to consider taking forward.

I get the impression from your introductory note that this was written just as a short piece, with no destination in mind. You've established 3 characters, one young with strong but relatively untrained powers. I gave quite a list of questions right at the start, some things to start answering, and I think just trying to answer them will give you material for several chapters, maybe even for a complete story in skeleton form. Details can always be thought up after.

It would be great to hear from you should you take this further.

Until then...

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
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Review of A MANLY THING?  
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Certainly made me chuckle - albeit subtly lest my work collegues stare.

I'm not good with poetry, but I've always found the most enjoyment (simple as I am) with those that rhyme. And you do it with an elegant mastery despite a somewhat crude topic.

A pleasant laugh on a friday afternoon - thank you.

Happy Writing :)



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Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey Andi

Spotted your double request for a review of your prologue and opening chapter to your story. I'll be reviewing your prologue for now.

Of course you know, as with all reviews, this is simply just waffle of my opinion and by no means coming from some kind of oracle. Take from it as you wish :)

A first point I will make is your spacing, the layout. It is all clumped together, particularly the prologue. Internet reading is very different to reading something on paper and requires much more spacing out. A blank line between paragraphs, and between dialogue from different people works wonders.

Some people on this site are obviously preparing for publication, and in which case it's understandable not to fill a large piece of work with unnecesary spaces, but even then, they do include paragraph indentation to help break up a page.

I'm now going to get into a more detailed look at some specific points I spotted whilst I read through...

Technicalities & Observations

A breeze pushes against her face. The forest behind her applauds in approval, rippling through the crowd. A horn sounding below quicklyv silences them.

The forest applauding... I love that. Very nice description. Watch out for the repetition of 'her' though. I think the sentence holds together without the second 'her'. Also, in the second sentence is the adverb 'quickly'. This is something I've been caught on recently in reviews of my own work. These descriptive actions are often the culprit of making some writing over-wordy. And in this particular case I think you can remove 'quickly' and strengthen the sentence in the process.

~

The girl pays no mind, letting every sound from the city laying before her reach her ears. They strain waiting to hear the pin drop.

I know what you're trying to say here, but it reads awkwardly. The double 'her' and the position of the city just doesn't come across well.

Perhaps something like ...

The girl pays no mind, her keen ears tuned to every sound drifting up from the city below, aware of every pin drop.

~

“Were in” a disembodied voice sounds in her restless ear. That’s her queue.

'Were' should be the combination of we and are, i.e. we're.

'Queue' in this context is 'cue'.

And finally, you need some punctuation when you end dialogue. In this case probably a comma. So it would be...

"We're in," a disembodied voice sounds in her restless ear. That's her cue.

~

A small angry buzz comes from below the cement. Dead center in the small awning of the skyscraper a small circle of cement starts to rise. Slowly as if by magic, the circle rises from its mother, lifted by a small object.

That's a lot of 'small's. Try to watch out for repetition. It is sneaky, it will enter your writing when you least expect it.

Aside from that, I'm afraid I'm completely lost with this paragraph. Not sure what is going on at all. Hopefully they'll be some useful explanation very shortly.

~

With clam steps

Just a small typo. Calm.

~

With clam steps, she turns and hops off the edge of the tall building where she had been standing. She strides with purpose to the hole in the floor. She removes a small disk from a pocket of her black tactical vest and forcefully zips her pocket back up. She stands at the edge of the hole, staring down at it in disdain. She poises her hand above the center of the hole, disk held loosely between her thumb and forefinger. She opens them slightly and the disk hurdles to the ground.

7 'shes'... I may be sounding pedantic, but this is what I notice as I'm reading and it jars me from getting caught in the flow of the story. With some careful re-arrangement and combining of sentences, I believe this paragraph can be improved.

Caring nothing for the precipitious edge, she calmly hops off the edge of the skyscraper, lands with cat-like reflexes on the floor below and strides confidently to the freshly cut hole. From a concealed pocket in her black tactical vest a small disk is removed and held out unwavering over the dead centre of the void. Her face fills with a quiet disdain as she stares down into the darkness, and doesn't flinch as a gentle opening of her thumb and forefinger releases the disk. It hurtles silently downwards.

Please forgive any past tense that slipped into that example, I'm not used to writing in present tense (and actually feel this piece would work better in past tense, but that is just a personal preference).

Please note a quick typo with 'hurtle', you wrote 'hurdle'.

7 she's become 2, 3 'holes' become 1, and 2 'hers' remain 2. It can be hard work constantly looking out for these things. There is a tool here at Writing.com though that will count the number of times the most common words have been used. It's in your stats somewhere. You could use this to your advantage.

~

Suddenly, it stops right at the center of the hole, hovering, waiting. With a quite zip, it fills the hole with a clear blue that looks much like an calm ocean on the shore. The girl pays no mind to its splendor and steps onto the disk.

Some very cool gadgets are being used here, and this one in particular you describe well. Nicely done.

However, I don't think there's any need to mention 'the centre of the hole' again - we already know from the paragraph above that she lined it up with the exact centre. There's no reason we'd think it had moved from the centre.

See the sneaky 'that'? They are almost more sneaky than repeating words. They slip into your writing everywhere (particularly my writing). However, it is often best (unless it is dialogue) to find away around using 'that' as it isn't a very flowing word. Let's see here...

Suddenly it stops still, hovering, waiting. With a 'quiet' zip, it opens up and fills the hole with a disk of clear oceanic blue light. The girl pays no mind to its splendor and impatiently steps on.

Notice the typo on 'quiet'.

~

“Down.” She whispers into the wind.

I recently discovered this myself, someone told me in a review and I have checked it up. Apparently, even with the fullstop (period) after "Down" the post-dialogue text should still begin with a lowercase letter.

~

She quickly drops through the hole, her hair clinging, afraid to be left behind.

Another 'quickly' that doesn't need to be there. Your good imagery of her hair afraid of being left behind gives the impression of great speed without this adverb cluttering the sentence.

~

Two enormous staircases flank the width of the room. Each trimmed in gold and run with red velvet, giving it the look of a beasts open mouth, inviting its prey

Yet more awesome imagery. Lovely, lovely writing.

~

The Chancellor starts to struggle with the once luxurious silk sheets, which now trap and confine him

The Chancellor’s eyes widen even more. He runs to the door and pulls the handles but they won’t budge.

This seems odd... were the sheets confining him or not? If so, how did he run to the door?

~

Your nothing

Should be you're

~

Summary

Ok... an interesting prologue. We have a dramatic event, an interesting assassin charcter, some excellent imagery and fun gadgets. Definately promising.

However, as you can see from the fairly lengthy list of 'technicalities', there are plenty of areas with room for improvement. If you take some of these on board I think you'll have a great opening that'll entice people to continue with chapter 1 almost immediately.

Keep it up, and ...

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*
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Review by Smee
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey Silverfeathers

I spotted the request for a review of this first chapter on Expose Yourself Now!  and thought I'd check it out. I was very surprised, in a wonderfully positive way. But we'll come to that later. For now, some of the small observations I made whilst reading.

Technicalities / Observations

Syphis grated out through clenched teeth, glaring defiantly at Lady Griflet

A very strange minor point - but it stood out to me in just your first line. As important as the first line in any piece is, I thought it worth highlighting to you. Whether intended or not, the alliteration of the 3 'g' words really stands out. At the time I couldn't decide whether this was to the stories benefit or not. Having read the chapter now, I don't think it is. It seems a coincidental happenstance that is an unnecessary distraction (such that I ended up reading your first sentence about 6 times, inbetween copy/pasting it in to the review). I'd much prefer to just move straight on through the story.

Simplest solution... a change of description.. perhaps Syphis 'hissed' through clenched teeth. I only think one need change for this tiny issue.

~

cold light that made the lady shiver

A few points in the story you refer to 'the Lady'... and as you see from the way I wrote it - in my opinion I am inclined to continue capitalising it, as you do in dialogue. I'm not sure if there is any gramatical ruling on this. In my eyes, with lowercase you are simply calling her 'female', rather than by her title, which ruins some of her importance. But I'm fairly sure it is a stylistic choice rather than rule, and is purely down to the author.

~

His wife felt tears starting in her eyes at the thin, frail wreckage left by disease

A very well written story, so apologies if these points are all rather minor. Take it as a compliment *Smile* Here I find 'left' to be a rather weak word in an otherwise richly descriptive chapter. When I read it, the word 'wracked' is what came to mind instead. It gives the same impression of damage caused by disease, but also that the disease is still there causing yet more suffering.

~

The physical agony arched Syphis' body into a tortured bow, but even that dimmed in comparison to the internal damage the magical storm inflicted. It howled around his mental barriers, the shields that guarded his mind and his Self. Syphis screamed, the sound faint and faraway to his own ears. He scrambled frantically to reinforce his protections, but the foreign magic went on and on, eroding away with agonizing thoroughness at the layers of his defenses until they were left raw and oozing.

I absolutely revelled in this paragraph. A wonderfully vivid image of this magical assault with little explanation of how it works, and not needing it. The descriptions do it all.

Summary

I loved it! I was expecting a random genre, average opening chapter. Instead I get a rich and magical opening, precisely my favourite genre and totally compelling reading... at least to me.

You engage the reader from the beginning in a relatively simple, but dramatic opening scene. From which, you manage to paint a large picture of the background to the story without 'telling' me anything. It's all 'shown' with great snippits of dialogue and the emotions played out by your characters, without any slowing down of your story's pace.

It's hard to make comment on plot suggestions, as I know you have at least one more chapter already written. However, my main remaining thought at this time is ... if he's so trained to kill, to fight, how did this 'healer lady' not only survive is attack, but beat him so completely and thoroughly, even whilst battling her own reluctance? Is she so much more powerful? I feel that is a little understated in this first chapter.

This is, however, something you quite possibly have Syphis reflect on in the next chapter once he's more come to terms with the events of the evening. If so, then I'd say that is fine and you can ignore my comment about it.

I don't think it'll be long before I'll be reading chapter 2!

Until then,

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

Join Today!
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Review of I: Wraith  
Review by Smee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Jeremy

It is top of 'The List' and written by the creator of Gifting for Reviews - makes sense to start here for my first review as a member (on the basis you'll make me one a little later today)*. *Smile*

Besides, stories involving mages/magic are exactly what I like, so there is certainly no chore involved. Quite the contrary in fact. I really enjoyed this prologue, and on 'The List' or not, I'm likely to continue to the first chapters (if they exist).

You've quickly built some fascinating characters, a truly intriguing plot and a richly detailed world full of mystery that I want explaining. However, that 'want' is appropriate for a prologue. Rather than feeling left too much in the dark, it is enough to entice me to read more.

Clearly as a top reviewer yourself, and generally well versed with typical little mistakes you'll often witness when reviewing, I was always going to struggle to find some things to comment on technically. So I had to take steps and pick on some rather minute details - but I feel you're the kind of author who is happy to look at any details, no matter how small.

Here's what I found...

Technicalities / Observations

She promised herself that the Citadel would be one of the first places she'd visit once she got there; after attending to issues at the Hall. The quivering woman kept her cloaked head hung low and her eyes closed; her complete concentration restricted to the object she clung to

I know later, she proves that she can break attention from the stone in small bursts to speak, or climb robe ladders. However, these two sentences, early in the chapter, seem a strange contradiction to each other. She's apparently free enough to make promises to herself in internal dialogue, yet immediately it states her 'complete' concentration was restricted. I think for the sake of this part, simply adding 'had' after the first word 'She' would sort this out. Make the promise to visit the Citadel a past event.

(Told ya I was picking on minor points *Wink* )

~

loosing their footing

Small typo ... "losing their footing."

~

The Rhuk-carrier rose into the air with a single, long downward thrust of the bird's wings.

Ok - strange point here. As I understand it, the Rhuk-carrier is the bird? If so, then it seems odd that the 'Rhuk-carrier' rose from the thrust of 'the bird's wings'. From my point of view it should simply be 'its wings'.

The Rhuk-carrier rose into the air with a single, long downward thrust of its wings

~

Khameris, Ghadrik : don't know why, but I really like these names. Not something I put huge effort into with my own writings. I tend to just tap away at random letters until I get a name sounding word. These two have the appropriate weighting to give a sex to the name, and just seem very ...appropriate to the story *Smile*

~

"Then he is among us again?" Her eyebrows lowering into a straight line.

Present tense 'lowering' sounds odd here. I think it should be past tense version, 'lowered'.

~

from the curious girl ten summers his junior

Probably my most minor and silly point. It just jarred me slightly that I had already read the 'ten summers' description just paragraphs before, when the old lady had remembered how long she'd held the stone. It was a mildly irritating coincidence that she's held the stone the same 'ten summers' difference that there is between Khameris and Ghadrik. Perhaps this has some connected reason later in the story, but otherwise I don't see why it would hurt the story for there to be perhaps nine summers between them?

Haha ignore me - your writing is great, and I'm getting too picky *Pthb*

~

Rolling hills and open grasslands shadowed by the moonlight drifted past his eyes like a tapestry of smoke.

Tapestry of smoke. Love it - beautiful description!

Commas aren't my thing - I constantly make mistakes with them, but from what I think I know about them, I think there should be one after grasslands and after moonlight, to seperate the extra description.

~

or Bending. Being the only mageborn among them, Feina was the only one capable of folding their way to the Mage Capitol

Ooh magic *Bigsmile* ... I always love the parts of such stories where magic abilities are described, or explained. I love the idea of 'bending'. That is very cool.

~

The occasional pound of small hailstones emitted throughout the room

My first thought was 'emitted' is the wrong word. It doesn't mean that. However, I think I could wrong. But I still don't like the word. My reasoning is 'emitted' is something speakers do - blaring rock music was emitted from the speakers. It describes the source of the sound. Whereas you're using it to describe the sound.. hard to put it into words what I mean. I read the sentence and want to put a word like 'echoed' there instead. But you don't tend to get much echo from rooms covered in books.

I think instead a re-arrangement of the first couple of sentences from the paragraph...

Heavy raindrops smacked into the window before slowly trickling down the pane of thin glass. The occasional pound of small hailstones emitted throughout the room lined with leather-bound books...

Heavy raindrops smacked into the window before slowly trickling down the pane of thin glass. Intermingled with the drops came the occassional hollow pounding of small hailstones. Inside was a room lined with leather-bound books...

Hope that made sense.

~

A large stone hearth broke the rows of bookshelves, and a weak fire lighting the stuffy room

Another moment of present tense I think. 'Lit' works better, although some older books use 'lighted' - I'm not sure whether it is still an accepted word, or simply a matter of preference.

and a weak fire lit the stuff room.

~

Since when did a grandblade interrupt his Chancellor?" Feina asked, wher eyes twinkling

Is 'Grandblade' not a title worthy of a capital letter, like Chancellor? Just a thought. *Smile*

~

Summary

Yep - a lot of waffle from me, hopefully some of it was helpful.

A thoroughly enjoyable, and well written prologue. I'll be back for more,

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

Join Today!


* Guessing you're american. Been waiting all day for that side of the world to wake up. But I'm itching to send this review, so just hope you do make me a member later - otherwise apologies for unauthorised use of your picture *Pthb*
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