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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/snow_hawk
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592 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I was attracted to this piece by the title, which I felt as I was reading that it is very appropriate. You start off by introducing the man at the lighthouse with sharing with the reader the type of life he experienced during his time there. This was well done because I could feel like I could envision the environment this man was living in and how his life was lonely all alone with very little if any human contact. Although this man's job is important, many may not have thought about how difficult this job can be for someone to be alone quite a bit. One suggestion for improvement here, there could be more expressive of emotion, especially around the part where he makes his leap. For example, what is driving him to do this, sadness, anger, a combination of both, or even something else all together. When someone is going to committ suicide there is always huge emotions attached that drive a person to this point. You have done an excellent job with your descriptions throughout this piece, I like how you put in the animal companions he has with him. Overall, this is a well written piece with possibly one area of improvement with the emotions which I feel would make it even better; I always find the more emotional a piece of writing is, the more others seem drawn to it. Thank you for sharing your work.


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2
2
Review of WISDOM  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I feel that this is a start to a bigger story, it feels like there should be more because it reads like a scene to me. There is description missing of the characters and the surround area where the characters are. I enjoy reading stories from different cultures because I like learning about them. There was lots of well written dialogue here with not a lot of background to help readers who are not familiar with the culture to learn more about it. I do not feel you need to change what you have although adding some things just so the reader can about what you know. I feel this is a good start, thanks for sharing.


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3
3
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a good start here. I feel that part of a prologue is to get your reader hooked into reading more. I feel that there are some pieces missing here with the introduction of the main character and the purpose of the story. I feel the diary entry could have been longer. Instead of saying he was looking at all the things in the attic, show this with the character going through the different items. I feel that with some expansion in giving more details this can be a better story. Thanks for sharing.


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4
4
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I was attracted to this story because of the subject you have written about here, heaven which I find interesting. Heaven has been written by many with many different versions from people who believe they have died and come to life to religious fanatics who believe they will have 12 virgins waiting for them in their palace. Your main character die and starts to learn about what heaven is and who is there with him. As he talks with the people who he has wronged in his past tell their stories, he learns that his actions have had some pretty heavy consequences. Even in our lives today many do not even take into consideration their actions and how they may affect someone else. Many would probably cry the stroy that they did not know they have harmed other people in such a way except whether we know this or not we are still responsible for our actions; excellent message. My favourite part is when Dominick was telling his story which had a connection with a few of the people in your main character's life. The description of the hotel was well done. One thing I suggest for improvement, is there any grass, trees, or animals there in this version of heaven? Overall, a brilliant idea of heaven and to go to such a place after we die would be great. Thanks for sharing!


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5
5
Review of 10 Days of Spring  
for entry "Release
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece with faeries roaming around in nature which is read like a piece of prose. The description of the small lavender flower was done so well that I could picture the flower in my mind while I was reading; well done. I am curious as to what the clothes were like since you mention those were worn the same for centuries. This piece also reads like it is part of a story which makes me curious in knowing more about these faeries and more about their forest home. This is a beautiful beginning of the spring season.

My favourite line is, 'As the warm sun rained down upon the earth, she leapt, her head and arms gracefully moved, her feet a whisper across the vibrant shroud of flowers.' which is a dance in honoring the start of the spring season. Thank you for sharing your words with us. I have enjoyed reading them and reading through your port this week.


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6
6
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I came across this piece while doing some work on WDC as a blurb on the side and was attracted to this story because of the dragons. My first impression of this piece is that it reads like a legend being told of the dragons which I feel is what the purpose of this piece with the monk at the end quickly writing as much as possible before hiding the words that will live on. I like the way you set this piece up to be in the description about the dragons, the time period, and also the foretelling of a prophecy to come. This piece I have noticed is part two and I am interested in going back to read part one. This piece also has lots of possibilities of having novels written about this subject which you do mention in the first part about novels being written which I would be interested in reading.

Overall, you have created an interesting piece of writing with dragons, interesting characters, and a creative storyline. Write on!


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7
7
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
My first impression of this story is that it has a unique story line with the Ice Dragon which has opened up endless possibilities with things you can do with this story if you choose to do so. My favourite character is the Ice Dragon who seems much more powerful than the Fire Dragons, I feel this is mostly due to inexperience with the creatures who are meant to be legends. Some things to consider, why did the Ice Dragon appear at the time it did? What is the purpose of the Ice Dragon? Does the Ice Dragon have a quest? I see in the description that you wrote this for a contest so you probably had a word count to work with and may not have had room to expand as much as you would have liked. The possibilities that I can see with this subject is pretty big. Not sure what you plan on doing with this, I see a novel or novella, even a series of novels. I would be interested in reading more about the Ice Dragon, the origins, the way of life, where they, and why are they so legendary? You have done a good job at setting the scene for the Fire Dragons with good descriptions and well developed characters. This does need some editing which can very easily be corrected.

Overall, this is an amazing piece which shows off your craft in a beautiful way. I just came across this piece on a side blurb while I was doing some other work on WDC and saved it to my favourites and I am glad I did because I was not disappointed at all. Thanks for sharing your work with us. Write on!


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8
8
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing this piece for The Wodehouse Challenge. This is a well written journal entry describing a day during the Vietnam War. It was a good idea to write out the Army Acronyms since I would have no idea what they meant and would have to look them up. You take us through a day of a Sergent who shares the things that go on and describes them briefly. One thing I feel that is missing here is the emotions of how he is feeling throughout the day. There was a part where it was stated the Sergent and his men were in the jungle for several hours, what did they do for those several hours? You do a good job describing what the boys do when they are at camp.

Overall, you have done an excellent job in writing a journal entry in the day of a Sergent and his men. He starts the entry off as being the worst day in his life so far, I can see why it is. War is not a glamorous thing which is sometimes portrayed as being so in the movies. From what I have read there is not enough preparation that can prepare you for battle, it is one thing to see these things in a movie and it is a totally different situation when you in the thick of things in real life. Thank you for sharing.

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9
9
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
My first impression of this piece is that this seems to be a piece that could be written an older time period, such as the Victorian just as an example and then it seems like is has this fantasy element to it as well which could be steampunk which is a combination of the two I have described. There is an interesting flavor to the ambiance of this story which at certain places your language is quite literary in its deliverance than you also add the fantasy element which you very well. I feel you have done a good job setting the scene and your main character, when you are describing him it is done so well, I can picture him in my mind as I am reading the description. I like what you do with the 'unusual girl', giving us a brief description and telling very little of her purpose which has me curious in reading more of this story. The only suggestion I seem to have is there is lots of physical description which is excellent, there is not any description of the sense of smell.

Overall, this is an excellent start for your novel and the way you ended the chapter has been perfect in the way you left the reader a tidbit of what is to come without telling the whole story. With some addition to the sense of smell, such as when you describe the main character does he have the smell of cigar smoke? Great job!

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


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10
10
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
My first impression of this story is, it is very creative and the idea has captured my interest. I have some suggestions to make for improvement. First of all the three chapters you have here are very short, in my opinion too short, especially with the huge idea you have here. Things that I usually keep in mind when writing a first chapter is, setting the scene and introducing your main characters. A good way to study the structure of setting up chapters is to read a novel in the genre you are writing in which can help in showing you how to expand. For example, in the first chapter you are missing the introduction of your main characters. From what I read here it is even possible to combine all three chapters into one chapter with a bit character description could be added just to flesh out the story line, as I have already mentioned reading a novel in the genre you are writing in to study the structure of dialogue and description of characters would be very helpful here. There are also the paragraphs which are a bit long which can be broken up a bit more. I love the world here you are creating with the characters and the alien beings, you have an extremely creative mind and it shows up in your writing.

Overall, you have a solid, creative idea which has infinite possibilities with a bit of work on the details, you will have an awesome novel to share with the world. Great job with what you have so far!

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


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#1157596 by Gaby


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11
11
Review of The Sun Also Sets  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Surprise review! I like how you weave in Hemingway into this story using humor helps the flow of this literary piece. I like how you write the story from the point of view of Hooves the writing bull. It is interesting that Hemingway is a writer who is interested in bulls and a bull writing a story from the point of view from a bull. My favourite part is when Hooves goes back in time where he meets Hemingway with some of his friends who think Hooves' looks like Gertrude Stein while wearing his beret. You have also done an excellent job with the interaction of a Human with Hooves the bull who are believable characters with a great relationship. I like how the human was encouraging Hooves to go back in time to possibly meet Hemingway; bulls and writing seem to be an excellent combination which this story shows this very well. Overall, this is an amazing of your creative talent which shines through in your creation of Hooves and the inspiration with Hemingway. Great job! Write on!

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#1157596 by Gaby


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12
12
Review of Just a Moment  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! My first impression of this piece of writing is that it is a good start. Your idea you have here is solid and well thought out, there are just a few things that can be done to make this piece even better. Using dialogue will allow the reader to get the know the characters better and some description of what the characters look like as well. A good way to study about how this is set up in more detail is to read a romance or even an erotic novel; this piece has the potential to either be a romance or I can see the potential of this being an erotica piece. My favourite part is where you describe the sense of smell, I like the use of the word lemon-musty. You have good descriptions throughout this piece which flow nicely together. There are a few spots where emotion could be expressed in more detail, this feels like it is a powerful piece which will be better if the emotions expressed are powerful as well.

Overall, an excellent start to a story that can be better with some expansion in some areas. Great job!

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


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#1157596 by Gaby


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13
13
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Got Raid! Grats in your win of first place in How and Why WDC Was Born contest. My first impression is this is a beautiful poetic fair tale which is amazing. You have set the scene in a world created for all the magical creatures in existence. My favorite part is when the Storymaster talks to all the creatures about WDC and how it is going to work. You start this story off setting the scene, introducing some characters, and presenting a problem which needs to be solved. Although he gathering of the magical creatures did not change the damage which has run rampant throughout the creative world. I also like the part where some of the creatures were trying to guess what WDC stood for and as The StoryMaster explained the true meaning, things in the creative world started improving while he was speaking.

Overall, this is an amazing look into the creation on WDC where the words, all began and continue to flourish from the first breath of life and continuing on an amazing journey with never ending adventures all over the world. An amazing piece of your writing craft has unfolded here, thanks for sharing.

 Red Wedding updating   (13+)
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#1157596 by Gaby


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14
14
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
GoT Raid! Congratulations on your win for placing 1st, In Angel Outreach. I like how you set the scene and introduce your main character in this story. There is a moral in the story, if you try to take what you think you deserve, others may not see it in the same way you do and the consequences can be dire. I can understand the way this main character feels that he has worked for so long and not gotten a big return so instead of waiting any longer he decided to just take what he felt he deserved. I like how we are let inside the mind of Joey, your main character and we get to catch a glimpse of who this man really is and in the end, I feel he just had enough of the way his life turned out and his method for making things happen a different way backfired on him, even his wife ratted him out about what he was doing. The of Joey can be something many of us can look at and reflect on our own lives about how much of our life is based on what we want to do vs based on obligations to others or even expectation of others.

Overall, well written story about the human condition. Write on!

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#1157596 by Gaby


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15
15
Review of Blue Ribbon  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
GoT Raid! You start off with in the 1800's which is a time of very different views of men and women than how we view the genders today, which is a variety actually with more equality with men and women. Although it is not perfect there still some that refuse to give up the old ways which is labelled as traditional values. I feel this is because there is more acceptance in women being able to anything a man can because it is true. You have written the character of Reginald as the typical man of the period who has the typical point of women, which is an object to further the family status. I feel the character Annabell has been well written and I like the spunk you put into her to show that she does not want to be like all the other mindless women of the time, she wants to break away from tradition and be her own woman. I like how you developed Garret to be accepting and also attracted to a woman who seems to be different from the traditional view of society. I am also curious about what Anabell's brother would think about this relationship.

Overall, an amazing story which I felt like I wanted know more of the characters, at the end, I was left wanting to know how this new couple would go through life together. Write on!

 Red Wedding updating   (13+)
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#1157596 by Gaby


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16
16
Review of Minor Key  
Review by TJ Marie
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
GoT Raid! I am surprised at finding different mermaid stories written on WDC which I find an interesting subject, especially when the writer's are writing them from different perspectives. There were some places where you had some words in quotation marks that were in his head, I suggest using italics only because it is not confusing about what is dialogue and what is not dialogue. I feel this story did not have enough character interaction in the beginning, it did seem to be drawn out a bit written in that form, with the character interaction it will make a difference and the reader can get to know your characters better this way.

I like how you have a moral in this story about missed chances in life, sometimes people cannot see an opportunity especially, it is right in their face. In this case of the main character he allowed fear to dictate the decisions he made, if he had followed what he really wanted to do instead of what he thought he should do then he might be happier than he was. Once chances pass you by, you cannot always get the opportunity back. I also wanted to know more about this special place and where did the mermaid come from?

Overall, this a very creative story with a bit of expansion in a few areas can be an even better story. Write on!

 Red Wedding updating   (13+)
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#1157596 by Gaby


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17
17
Review of Intaki Dreams  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
My first impression of this story is that it seems to be the beginning of something more to come. You did an excellent job in describing your main character throughout this story and also setting the scene about the type of world you have created which is interesting. The poem at the beginning of the story seems to give the story this dreamlike ambiance about what you have written about. For example the word 'namas' brought your main character at a time where his grandmother sang the poem to him before he went to sleep and it is this moment that he never really considered what the words meant except that they are in native Intaki language.

I like how you show us into Paul's world and how he feel about what he is doing and the things going on around him. The way you described Paul's emotions about finding the advertisement which seemed different than the others and you express Paul's excitement about finding this because it seems to be the most perfect thing he has been looking for.

Overall, an interesting piece of writing here with lots of potential to be a bigger piece such as a novel or novella if that is something you want to pursue. I really like the character Paul you have created because he has this way of showing emotion while going through life which is something that is beautiful in a character. Great job!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


 Red Wedding updating   (13+)
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#1157596 by Gaby


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18
18
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I was looking through your port today, the title 'My Porcelain Tears' is unique and I was curious about what this was all about. The first part of this story was written in a poetic language of prose, which flowed very well and told a good story. In the next bit you changed it up a bit by using dialogue and involving two characters, as well as the doll. I enjoyed the different styles of writing, which allowed different perspectives to shine through.

The first part of the story describes many happy adventures the porcelain doll had experienced and also at the same time you have described the emotional turmoil about how she feels when the fun is over. Being put in the box all alone is not a happy time for Hattie. I like how you have developed Hattie in the second half by having he come out of her darkened world to new fun adventures. The second time she is put in the box, she remembers that there will be a time when she will have more adventures again, she will just have to patient.

The only suggestion I have for improvement is in the areas where the different adventures Hattie has with others, I feel that more details in the actual events could be given istead of the general description given. Overall, an amazing story with a creative perspective on the point of view fa doll. Write on!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


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#1157596 by Gaby


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19
19
Review of Irene  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
It took me till I was about half way through this story to realize that it was about the weather, specifically hurricanes. The language you use here to describe how and why hurricanes happen in the first place is logical and done in such a way that is very interesting to read.

You start off the story with emotions that are quite human with the right circumstances can be quite a powerful place to be with a bit of mystery as to what the assignment is and who Him is. As the story unfolds, we learn little bits here and there about the true nature of what a hurricane really and its purpose which is to release pressure on the Earth because without all life on Earth would be in mortal danger. It is interesting that you have these women who are described to have powers to release this pressure and you also have some Human characteristics of them such as discussing things they like to do which are similar to everyday things that Women without these powers seem to like to do as well.

Overall, this piece of writing is creative and I very much enjoy reading this piece. I have not read anything that is similar to it so it stands very well on it's own with the idea so unique it would be an excellent series of short stories or even novels which I can see being done on a much bigger scale than this short story. This story does feel like it is a tease because I want to read more. Write on!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


 Red Wedding updating   (13+)
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#1157596 by Gaby


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20
20
Review of Irene  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
It took me till I was about half way through this story to realize that it was about the weather, specifically hurricanes. The language you use here to describe how and why hurricanes happen in the first place is logical and done in such a way that is very interesting to read.

You start off the story with emotions that are quite human with the right circumstances can be quite a powerful place to be with a bit of mystery as to what the assignment is and who Him is. As the story unfolds, we learn little bits here and there about the true nature of what a hurricane really and its purpose which is to release pressure on the Earth because without all life on Earth would be in mortal danger. It is interesting that you have these women who are described to have powers to release this pressure and you also have some Human characteristics of them such as discussing things they like to do which are similar to everyday things that Women without these powers seem to like to do as well.

Overall, this piece of writing is creative and I very much enjoy reading this piece. I have not read anything that is similar to it so it stands very well on it's own with the idea so unique it would be an excellent series of short stories or even novels which I can see being done on a much bigger scale than this short story. This story does feel like it is a tease because I want to read more. Write on!

 Red Wedding updating   (13+)
For GoT scoring
#1157596 by Gaby


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21
21
Review of Once Upon a Time  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
GOT Raid! Congratualtions on your third place win. A beautiful story written and created with inspiration from the story of Cinderella. My favourite part was about the escape from the attic, which was brilliant and also showed the strong character of Buttercup. This story had always held the message that it does not matter what station in life you come from, it is possible to make an amazing life for yourself even if all the odds are against you, never give up. You were also creative with the two sisters when the time came for them to try on the slipper, each of them will to harm themselves in order to get what they want which also has the lesson that no matter how bad you want something if you have bad intentions behind the want then you will not get it. Suggestions for improvements, I have no suggestions because I feel this piece is written well enough as it is. There is only so much you can do with story and I feel you have made a few changes which have been great and it shows in the writing.

Overall, this was a well written creative which has many lessons to be learned. Thank you for sharing with us. Write on!

 Red Wedding updating   (13+)
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#1157596 by Gaby


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22
22
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
GOT Raid! The description and love caught my eye and also the mythology genre interested me into reading this piece. You did an excellent job in taking characters who already exist and making them your own with your creative writing craft. The only suggestion I have for improvement is the ending feels like it was rushed and that there could have been more to the story that was left out.

I like how Eros was given a job to do something terrible to another woman and instead he decides to make a different choice in order to, take care of the woman in another way. You have shown here the it does not matter what the boundaries are or how much time passes that true love between souls will always recognize each other even if the physical body does not; I love that message. There are so many stories depicting love as weak and painful while you have shown the true power love contains, even though this is a story this can be reflected into reality by looking at the true nature of love and accepting it into one's life.

Overall, a well written piece with some additions at the end this can be an even better piece. Great job!

 Red Wedding updating   (13+)
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#1157596 by Gaby


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23
23
Review of The Carousel Ride  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
My first impression is this piece reads as a piece of prose describing Anna's experience with a carousel ride; this piece would also be good as a scene for a story or novel. The short word count has left me wondering more about Anna, who is she, what does she feel about the experience, is she by herself since she is there for sentimental value; just some things I reflected on while reading this piece.

You have done an excellent job setting the scene within the first few paragraphs which make feel like I am there with Anna which helps me to picture the things you describe in my mind, like I am watching her experience her adventure. The mystery you have put into describing how Anna makes a choice about which animal she will ride, it is like by touching them, she is performing a sort of private ritual with herself until she gets to the final choice, the tiger. My favourite part is when it is revealed that Anna is there in memory of her grandfather, which bring back happy memories which she welcomes them all to herself while riding the tiger. When she is done, she gives her farewell like it will be till next time when they meet again.

Overall, a well written short piece looking into the way we can remember things which passed from us into another realm. Excellent descriptions are used here as well. Great job!

 Red Wedding updating   (13+)
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#1157596 by Gaby


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24
24
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love this first chapter you have written for your novel. You do an amazing job introducing the characters and setting the scene of your story. My favourite character is Josh because he reminded me of a friend who I have not seen in a while. He preferred to live in a tent instead of a house and did it because of his love for nature. I like how you mixed in the bakery in your character Ella, who feels like she has so much energy and life within her.

You have done an excellent job in taking the reader through a normal morning in the life of these characters which you have opened the door for us to get to know them and get an idea of who they are. My favourite part is the ending of the chapter which has set the mystery up nicely and this has lead me to want to continue reading; anytime there is a body involved most people tend to want to read on to find out more about this person. I am sure when Josh was digging in his sister's backyard, he did not anticipate the discovery of an actual body.

Overall, very well done. This first chapter flows well together and has me interested in reading more. Well done!

 Red Wedding updating   (13+)
For GoT scoring
#1157596 by Gaby


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Dessert  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Grats on second place in the Amazing 55 Word Story Contest. This piece of writing made want to eat a sundae. I could picture Elizabeth sitting at the table with this sundae in this crystal bowl which has creamy vanilla ice cream slathered in chocolate sauce dribbled on top of it with some dripping down the side of the bowl. The whip cream is on top with some of the chocolate sauce making a path on the whip cream with the last part which is my favourite, the cherry which completes every sundae in my opinion.

My favourite part is the last line where we get to know a bit about Elizabeth, she likes to read a magazine while eating a sundae. The words to describe this sundae help to see this picture that I have already described in such a way that it almost seems real enough to taste it.

Overall, for a short piece this well written and anyone who likes sundaes will appreciate the creative art put into the arrangement of words to describe a scrumptious snack that anyone can enjoy. Thanks for sharing this piece with us. Write on!

 Red Wedding updating   (13+)
For GoT scoring
#1157596 by Gaby


Night's Watch image for G.o.T.

Image #1989479 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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