While I was reading this I felt like there was something missing...I think maybe because mostly everything was very familiar not much of a twist on the popular Medusa and Percy reference. There is nothing wrong with it it feels that something more is needed. I felt the chapters were a little bit short. Take more time in letting the reader getting to know the characters, Did a good job of describing Kalo at the beginning. Overall this has good potential. Write on!
I felt that this chapter could have been longer; either adding more story at the beginning or end, or expanding the middle. I was left at the end wondering what the secret is. You have good dialogue and expression of emotion between the characters. Overall this has great potential for good story. Write on!
Well done! This story is well written with a good pace. I like how you took us into your main character's head and we learned how he was feeling. You did a good job showing us the good this gift can do and how at the same time is a curse. Great job!
I have read many different vampire stories and this one stood out with your use of humor. One thing missing is description of your characters which was something I wondered about. This was a good use of the prompt you were given. Your grammar seems to be good. Overall this is a pretty good story. Keep up the good work!
This was well written in descriptive words. I feel it needs some dialogue and more expression of emotion, for example the first time a girl has sex is a very emotional time and you could have gone further with that situation. I like how you give the sense of mystery at the end. The grammar seemed good to me. Overall this has a good strong theme with a few areas expanded will be a great story. Great job!
First of all I think your rating should be 18+ not 13+. The beginning was confusing mostly because of grammar and there were a few words used that did not make sense. There are many places where small letters are used to start your sentences and capitals should be used and when using i in a sentence it should be a capital not lower case. There could be more description about why this situation is happening and how it happened. I can see the potential here for a good story. Keep at it :)
I like how this story was written. This is a good example of how some people will do good things for the wrong reasons. I also liked how Wally was getting addicted to opening these packages and in the end you showed how he truly felt about this. This shows that just because someone is doing something nice for another their reasons for do so are not always genuine. The dialogue and description look good and also the grammar as well. Good job at looking at the human condition. Keep up the good work :)
I like how you describe the emotional state of your Tanya. I have had a similar situation that you describe at the end when Tanya is breathing in and out when I did that, I thought I was releasing it; reality is I wasn't there needs to be a feeling of being overwhelmed by the emotion and feeling it fully in order for it to leave you. I get the feeling Tanya is trying to release the emotions if she is crying which helps release and feeling overwhelmed like she is not in control. I feel there needs to e more emotion on this part. Overall great job for jumping back into your craft. I just jumped back into mine a couple of months ago and had taken 4 or 5 years off and I was pretty rough the first bit. Write on!
This story reminded me of my relationship with a man I have where we run away from each and then come back together again; it is like we can't stay away from each other. I was wondering what Leyila and Soul looks like; hair colour, eye colour, and type of body build. The development of the relationship between Leyila and Soul is well done. You left me hanging here at the end and I hope there will be more because I am curious about Soul's secret. Great job :)
There is good use of dialogue and description. I liked how I was still able follow the story even though I did not read the previous chapters. The characters are well thought out and there is good pace when reading this story. I like how at the end I am left wanting to read more. This magic concept that has been introduced in this chapter is interesting especially with Bran having no idea he has this talent in him. I will be looking forward to reading more.
You hooked me from beginning to end. I felt for your character when he thought he missed his opportunity to ask this woman out. I like how you show that when there is something you want sometimes you get in a way that is unexpected. There is good flow throughout the whole story. I was left wanting to know more about this woman your main character is intrigued with. The spelling and grammar seemed good for the most part; when you have more than one character having a conversation in the same paragraph can be confusing for the reader. Overall the story is great!
I love how you expressed the raw dark emotions throughout this story. There have been similar emotions that I have felt like the hoplessness of things that have been happening in the world around us. It seems like the things that would happen in countries far away from us in North America or coming over this way more and more. There are people living in similar conditions you have described. There are a few things I would like to know. How did things get to the point where people are reduced to living like ruffians? Are there anyone anywhere attempting to heal this great atrocity or is everyone doing nothing? This is very well written. Keep up the good work!
I was completely taken from the first word until the last and I felt like I was in the story watching everything happen. There is excellent expression of emotion. The first part of the story for me sounded a bit like the way our government is treating us today even though it isn't exactly the same the same feeling was there with all the by laws which many are ridiculous to follow and many interfere with our freedom. I like the twist on the secret society, in our life the big secret societies are for the bad guys this time the secret society is the good guys. The theme of freedom developed in excellent form. Also the grammar looks pretty good. This story left me wanting more looking forward to reading the rest. Keep up the good work!
This is an awesome poem. I love the flow of the words. Especially the words that describe the girl describing her desire and how she is going to follow it regardless of what happens. I love reading poems with this legend, fantasy theme which I believe the stories have some piece of truth to them. Keep up the good work :)
I love the arrangement of the words used here. There is creativity in describing the stars and sky which is beautiful. I have this spiritual emotion when I read this because I find the earth, the sky, the planets, and everything in it is related to the spiritual side I am familiar with. I always like to give some advice on how to improve and in this case I cannot. This poem rocks!
The opening line hooked me in and the rest of the writing felt rushed. I did not feel there was enough emotion expressed during this time of hardship. When you are actually alone there are very strong emotions that come up for the person and if the does not does feel these emotions they are in a stage of being shutdown. I feel this has potential with more expression of emotion.
Love the way this story was written. I was wondering what were the feelings of this tiger being in a cage; did she just accept her life as it was or did she fell there might be something else out there in the world? Other than that the story flowed well and it was easy to picture this tiger in my head as I was reading. I love the picture you have here the white tiger is a beautiful animal. Thanks for sharing your experience.
I was hooked from the beginning of the of the story. There was good flow throughout. When I was reading the beginning it did remind me of Batman in the way dialogue was used then you threw in this nature power girl which is a good twist here. I am not sure if that was what you were hoping to do here you may want to revise to make it more original. Overall I fell this story is interesting and it leaves me wanting more.
I love this story. There was good flow and left me wanting more. The part I enjoyed the most was when Johnny discovered his 1928 Rosewood Dobro on his bed which I can relate. I was on a date and the man and we had decided to go for a walk after dinner. On the walk he lost his keys somewhere and we spent a minimum of an hour and a half retracing our steps looking for them without success. We decided to go back to the car. When we got there all of the doors were open and the keys were sitting on the front seat. We were shocked they were there. I saw the man I was out with lock the door with his automatic lock, heard it click, and watched him put his keys in his pocket. The only explanation we had is whoever found the keys went to the parking lot and pushed the button to find the car unlocked the doors and left his keys there. Magic does happen in real life. Beautiful story.
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