This piece of writing is very well done so far for your work in progress. Sebastian has this mysterious side of him that isn't very obvious and I get the feeling that the opinion Lily has of him is not really his true character. Lily's opinion is judgemental and a popular way of seeing someone from a young person's perspective. I feel there is something deeper about Sebastian that has not been revealed yet and I am left wanting to know more about him. I like the interaction of Lily and Sebastion and how you have been able to establish the relationship the two characters have with one another. Lily is shown as a girl that knows her own mind and does not want to be trapped in the clutches of a boy which many girls feel this way. Your grammar so far seems good. The only thing that seems to be missing is more description of what the characters look like. Overall, this piece of writing is well done. Write on!
This piece of writing is well done for a short piece. I could see this in a story it is a great piece of writing. As for the shortest phone call I agree with you on this. The dialogue was short, sweet, and to the point. Good luck in the contest you have entered this piece in. I was left wanting to know more throughout the story and then at the end your one character mentioned he is on Mars which sparked my curiosity even more. Great job!
I was disappointed that Kalo died; I like him. I can see why you did it though and it also brings a great twist in this writing. The theme of the demon and the soul is good for this story. I feel there can be more added to expand this story. I remember reading another part of a story with same characters and you had this excellent fight scene in there and I was hoping you would share more of that with us. You have a strong descriptions of battle between your characters. Overall, always a great time reading your writings. Keep it up! Write on!
This is a great extract. I love the language used to describe your character Briony. This is my favourite line, " The cheekbones were starker, the make-up was more adult, but she still looked fresh and elegant; the Malory Towers girl." The description is done so well I could picture this girl as you describe her in my mind. This definitely has me curious in what your novel is about and can't wait to read more. Overall, great job in grabbing me from beginning to the end. Write on!
This piece which seems to written as a teaser is a tease for the reader. There is lots of detailed information which you could have here which would draw the reader in more. For example, set the scene with some details, you do not have to explain everything just enough so the reader can have an idea what the story is about. I feel this needs a bit more details. From this I seem to feel the story is about a time portal and not really sure what else it will contain, maybe a strange and distant world. It is good to give the reader some details so that we have an idea of a story line with a beginning, middle, and end. You do not want to give all the details of course. This is a good start and I hope to read some more of your writings. Write on!
This piece grabbed me from the get go and the twist there at the end has made this story even better with more intrigue weaved in the adventure. I like the language you use in your descriptions and your use of the interactions with the characters. It seemed like you had taken a familiar idea and made it your own at the beginning, what really made this story your own was the interactions at the car accident. This would make an excellent novel or even a novella. Your grammar seems to be good. Overall, this is an amazing piece of writing the only thing I would like to see is more. Great job!
I feel this is an intriguing write up about your fictional character. A description with more detail such as height, hair colour, skin colour, eye colour, and any other type of clothing worn if anything besides the suit you mention, are just a few things that can be added. Please explain more of the League of Legends. Also a more detailed description of the girl. Overall, this piece of writing is enough to interest me in reading a story with the character and the things you have mentioned here; I feel a bit more detail is needed to set the scene for the reader by doing this you will you pull more into the world you have created which, I feel you have done a good job in the creative thought process of your work. Well done!
I love how I can picture myself with the characters while the story is unfolding. My favourite part is the meeting between Dusty and Max. I feel you have set the scene well for these two characters to show the reader their interactions with each other. The chapter style of using Dusty for one then Max for the next and taking turns between the two points of view, I feel is done well and it is easy to follow the storyline this way as well. I also like how you set the scene at the beginning before jumping with character interaction, it gave a good picture of what has happened in the city and Dusty's sad memory of her parents. Your grammar seemed to be well done. Overall, this is a great start on your novel and I have been left at the end wanting to read more. Great job!
The theme you have here is good. There are many places where words are spelled incorrectly, sometimes letters are missing from words, and words are missing. If possible it might be helpful to get someone to help you with editing. The spots where there are number 2 the word written two would be better. For the part where the dialogue is I would recommend to read some stories on this site in the genre you are writing in and take a look at their style of dialogue. I feel there needs to be more description especially where the Giantess' are destroying the city. Overall this has a good theme and with cleaning this up a bit and expanding some more this story will be awesome. Write on!
I like the emotions expressed in this piece of writing. What are your feelings as a writer if you saw another writer take characters that you made up and started writing stories with them? As one writer to another I know that I would not like it. If your answer is no you would not like it there is an ethical issue here; meaning like the golden rule says do unto others as you would them do unto you. As a piece of writing this is very well written with good descriptions and a very good pace. The grammar for the most part is good except for this line ' Eventually, she sat down at a cafand got a' think the word 'cafand' should be 'cafe and'. Overall the piece is well written and the familiar characters ruined it for me.
This is a good story to teach women about about making better choices in life. This something especially, at the high school age that many women experience and because of the lack of experience in life many of these girls don not know how to handle this type of situation properly. I like how this story was told with the woman and her therapist. This story gives women hope that if they catch the signs early enough than things can be different and if they ignore or choose not to look at the signs at all the consequences can be deadly. For the most part your grammar was good, just a few spots here to fix, 'With the wedding the being next day I brushed it off and acted as if...' for me when I read this sentence I feel the word 'the'after the word wedding could be taken out. 'Was anyone else away of your relationship,' in this sentence the word 'away' could be changed to 'aware'. Overall, this story is well written and is an informative subject. Write on!
This story is an interesting twist on the familiar story we all know as Peter Pan. I feel this story could be longer because I felt there was something missing. Maybe the ending could be expanded. For example, how long are the children in this sleep? Does a doctor need to help the family with the children? These are just things I have been wondering. It also reminds me of the sleeping beauty syndrome which is a rare sleeping disorder where anyone who has it will just fall asleep and be a sleep for quite a while; for example a teenage girl in the UK can sleep up 44 days. The ending was my favourite because it showed a different side of the familiar story and it showed that when the children went to Neverland they didn't go there physically; they went there in their sleep. Overall, this story is well written and has a good twist on a familiar story, I just feel it could be longer. Write on!
Beautiful story. I fell in love with your character Percy. I feel he an example of how we should live life in doing what you desire in life and to do these things regardless of what others think. Jacky is an example of how many people live life which is through other people; a lot of times these people do not even want to admit that they are doing things just because someone else is influencing them. The making of the wings is my favourite part. This reminds of someone I met at a friend's house wanted to build hi own plane; these types of projects are always beautiful and not enough people are embracing them. Overall, this story grabbed from the beginning to the end and loved the flow of language you used. Write on!
I like the idea you have crafted here. There are a few spots where you briefly stated what was happening instead of letting the characters tell the story like this line here "After giving me the flower, which I immediately drop on the table because I have a feeling he’s trying to make me feel awkward, he calls me lovely." I feel it is more effective for the characters to tell the story in the previous sentence because to me it felt rushed and in a couple of other spots there was the feeling something was missing. Your grammar looks good. Overall, I feel this story has an excellent storyline and a few spots could be expanded to make it better.
My favourite part of this story is the language you used to write this in. I was captured by descriptions from the beginning to the end. This piece is written with good flow and pace. When I got to the end I was wanting to write more. These are my favourite lines, 'He remembered to use Hendricks Gin and cut a rectangle of cucumber to accentuate the flavor of the gin. I walked back toward my hammock and could hear the ice as it moved within the glass.' At the end where you are describing the flower I could see it in mind and could imagine the beauty that you are conveying here. I got almost half way through and was wondering where your girlfriend was. You put her in at a perfect moment. The meeting with the woman reminded me of my trip to Cuba and talking to others who were there at the resorts. I love vacation people. Overall, very well written and can't wait to read more of your work. Write on!
From your description you have mentioned that this is about "The inevitable product of conforming to what the 'majority' are doing." I can see the brown leaves as being the majority and the green leaves as being the minority. I like how you explain how when the brown leaves covering the floor are there are always more to come when some of the green leaves go from the minority to the majority. In society being considered "different" is looked at as being a bad thing the truth is those who are strong enough to do this are stronger and brighter than the majority; you have demonstrated this very well here. My favourite line is, "Dryer than the bones of the damned." I like the way this line sounds and the language used. Overall this very well done and has conveyed an important lesson in life and also the emotion felt through this piece i strong. Great job!
This is a very import issue that effects everyone. I have not read the book you have mention here; I have read others that explain in great detail where our meat come from before it makes it to the store of the fast food joint to be enjoyed. The information here for me is very generalized compared to what I know about this industry. What is the purpose of this piece? If you are writing this for yourself then this good or if you are writing to educate others it would be helpful to have more detailed information so people are informed of all the details instead of just mentioning them briefly; it does feel like you are briefly letting the reader know. For example, you mention illegal aliens working for these factories give more details about how they are treated at work and how are the animals treated they are processing at these factories? Do not be afraid to shock your reader as long as you are telling the world the truth then I feel there is no need to hold back; I say this because this is a subject I believe needs a lot more exposure than it gets and it is a world wide issue not just in the US, I am sure you are aware of this, is your reader aware? This is your opportunity to help educate others I encourage to let it all hang out and do not hold back. Overall this is written well. I just feel more needs to be said in detail on the subject. Write on!
This is a great chapter. I like how you have used dialogue and descriptive language. At the part where "Congratulations. You passed the first Trial," I was curious as to what are the details of the first trial. Your grammar seems good too. Overall this chapter is well written and I cannot wait to read more
This piece of writing has good flow from beginning to end. In this sentence "Morgana and Arthur hadn't ridden too fall when a snake scared..." I believe the word "fall" should be "far". In this sentence "Wow1 That stuff really works! Oh, Morgana, you are going to be alright!" I believe the 1 is not needed. This sentence "Arthur held Morgana closed and kissed her. Morgana had never been kissed. She kissed Arthur back. She liked this." I believe the word "closed" should be "close". I like the interaction of the characters with one another. The descriptive language is well done. The ending left me wanting more. Great job!
This seems like it would be a good start for the beginning of a short story or novel. The grammar is not done well; there are some missing words, some words do not make sense, the dialogue should be in quotation marks, and the writing piece looks like it is one sentence and it needs to be broken up in a number of sentences. This piece can also be expanded very easily and this will let the read get to know the characters; I would like to learn more about Michael and his sister. This is my favourite line "A regular guy wish's something different will happen in his life that moment is about to happen..." because it led me to see there is a mystery and I am curious about what happen's in John's life that is different. If you need some help in dialogue and paragraph structure read some stories in the genre you want to write to get some examples there lots of good writing on this site. Overall the theme is good with more added to it and fix up the grammar and then this story will be much better. Write on!
This is great! I love how you were able to a story in one sentence. There was good description of the characters in the story. I could picture the events going on as they were being described. This is my favourite part of the story, "small dog with curly white hair with hints of apricot, bounding like a bunny, sprints onto the dewy grass, running, slightly, trying to keep its paws dry, knocking around the swings underneath the play set." Overall this very well done :)
I feel this piece needs some more action between the characters; the narrotar is telling the story, I feel the story wuld be better if told by the characters. What do the characters look like? Why were they fleeing? The theme is good. Overall, I feel this piece needs some expansion with dialogue and answer some unanswered questions. Write on!
I feel this piece has been written well for the style of writing you have chosen to use. There is one thing missing and that I feel that expressing more emotion would make this piece better. For example, "The chilly drink did not really help me bringing back the vibe." Here in this paragraph you could express how you felt about the cold drink not bringing back your vibe, is is sadness or the feeling of defeat are some examples. In this sentence, "I thought the paragraph above was just temporal words to kick off the impasse but in the end the crap was just casually stayed there." How did the crap make you feel? Is it defeated or stuck or a few examples of emotions that would fit here. This piece is well written and just needs some more raw emotion. Great job!
Congrats on your honourable mention in Separate Worlds Contest for August 2012 I loved this piece. I feel that when you say in the piece, "She wasn't an absolute beauty to look upon" I am curious as to what she looks like. Your description flows well with the dialogue. I could picture the interaction with the character. Overall well done!
This is a good flash fiction piece. I like how you expressed the emotion between the characters here. Even the end was good leaving the reader hanging at the end. There is good flow throughout the writing from beginning to end. This is a piece good enough to stand on its own and there is not anything that I can see to change it. Great job!
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