This story is very well done and there is good flow from the beginning to the end. I was left at the end wanting more. In the last bit I feel there could have been more emotion in the description especially at the part when, "it's rays are intense and make me face tingle with slight pain" when there is pain there are usually very strong emotions even if it is slight. The grammar is pretty good for the most part except this line here at the beginning "The solid oak door is no match for Gator's strength and he knocks it down like a child would building blocks." there was something about it that didn't flow well especially at the end maybe it just needs a comma after the word "would". Overall this story is very well done. Great job!
This is an excellent story of true love. I like the mystery element here about how to wake the witch up and the confusion of why none of their magic was working. I was curious as to how the witch fell asleep. Also the relationship between the two lovers is a curious situation, especially when the witches believe it is not a good thing to have happen. The is very well done. The only thing I noticed about your grammar was this line, “You do realize, Head Witch, that we now we have a second puzzle to unravel. How did a human gain such power?” it seems there is an extra word there. Overall this story is well written and you have left me wanting to read more. Great job!
I feel this story is missing a description of the boy. At the part where the elder says, " All boys your age, from ages past 'til now, have taken the leap," I feel there needs to be a story here told by the elder to the boy. The reason I say this because from my experience when an elder makes an important statement there is always a story that accompanies this statement. If you are not familiar with how these stories are told you can do some research in Native Cultures and I have seen this in the Monk religion. These stories are usually filled with symbolism and illustrate a life lesson. You have great talent and should have no problem writing one yourself. Usually when an important stage in life a gift is also given. When talk of the root saving Morning Sun's life this is another spot where Morning Sun could remember a valuable lesson he learned from his own experience or he could relate a story told by his elders. There could also be more emotions expressed when Morning Sun says he does not want to go; this could be something that he is feeling inside and not sharing with the elder. Overall the ideas here are solid and creative. I have given suggestions on things to add because I feel this chapter needs to be longer and I am just giving the things I see. There may be other things you would like to with it maybe or maybe not as I was reading I could feel the holes and it is because expanding this will make the first chapter feel more whole. Great job!
This story has good descriptive language. I feel that there could be more emotion expressed about how the main character is feeling; it felt like the surface emotions were being expressed. It seemed like there was a very dark time in this character's life and there are always very strong emotions attached to these events, I just felt there could have been more. Overall this story is well written and just needs to be expanded some more. Can't wait to read more. Write on!
I like this short story. When I got to the end I had the feeling of wanting to know more. The description and dialogue are very well done. The name "Applejack" is very fitting for the story. I am also curious as to what Applejack looks like. Overall this story is well written and I feel it could be longer. Great job!
When using the words 'f***' and 'bitch' it is inappropriate to rate your work as 'E'. I feel that most of this story feels rushed. There were many spots where a simple statement is used those areas could be expanded more. I feel this story feels like a day in the life of a teenager which I was wondering where is the dialogue with the teenager lingo. You did a great job on show the reader about the idea of making money online. The ex girlfriend reference felt out of place since you were not going to expand on this. You could have also expanded some more on your birthday. The reason I say these places feel they need expansion is because they will set the scene better for the reader to follow the things you are saying and it is more engaging to have the characters tell the story; I felt this in some places and not so much in most places. You have a great ideas here once you expand this it will be awesome. Write on!
Beautiful story of your honeymoon. I used to live near Niagara Falls and it is a fun place. The interaction between the characters well done. Love to read stories about weddings and the honeymoon afterwards; the stories are often interesting. What else happened on your honey moon? I am sure that was just the beginning to your fun. At the end I was wanting to read more. Overall this story is well written with good flow. Great job!
I like how you used the world of fairies with the modern world in a pumpkin. I am curious about how the wedding took place and how the even played out. The flow of the story is well done and I put myself in the story with the characters. Love it when I can watch the story play out in my head as I am reading. Grammar also seems to be good. Great job!
This story has a philisophical feel to it. I like how you express the emotions, they feel real and raw, and give the impression that there has been great hardship. You have set the scene here for the reader to get ready for what is to come. This is a very good beginning to a novel; since in the description you stated this is a chapter. I am looking forward to reading more. The end is very touching when you mention your daughter. Overall this story has started out very well. Write on!
The beginning is well done in setting the scene of the story. When I got to the middle to the end, I felt that part was rushed. There could have been more description added in between the dialogue. My favourite part is when Kyiah saw her mother. This could have been expanded a bit as well, they both haven't seen each other in some time give them time or have the mom giver her daughter a message; these are just some things I felt when reading. There are a few spots where there are spelling mistakes. Overall this is a beautiful story of love in this physical world and in the spiritual world. Great job!
I love this teaser! Not sure what you are planning to do with it, I feel that what you have written here is a good beginning it outlines what is going on and this seems to be a great beginning to a novel. The language style is very good. You got me all prepped to really get into the interaction with the characters. You have left me hanging at the end to know more. There were a few spelling mistakes at the beginning and the rest of the grammar seemed good. Overall excellent start and great job at setting the scene for the reader. Write on!
This story has a good theme which needs to be expanded more. It was difficult to get into this story with the narrative style of writing you used; now if you put in some dialogue with you characters and it may have been interesting to have an interaction with the cannibal tribe. I love this idea of having the scientists on this island. I like how you also had the scientists discover the cannibal village, I also feel this couls use more description. There are also many spelling mistakes, missing words, and some sentences that do not make sense; it might be a good idea to have someone help you edit. Overall theme is strong, solid, and interesting; this piece just needs some expansion and it will be awesome. Write on!
This is an amazing story. My favourite part is the fishing marshmellows. I went camping over night last year and we had a visitor that came and ate all our food and the animal dumped the stuff he didn't like on the ground which was the healthy food; the animal liked barbeque chips he ate the whole bag and they were not even opened. Totally related to this story. Grats for being featured in the Action/Adventure Newsletter June 26, 2003. Great job!
There is great flow throughout the story. I like how you make the neighbours seem all good and innocent. At the end when it was asked where Jeffy was that was a good ending. Even the comment leading up to it, "New recipe" put it in my mind something is going to happen. Great job!
I really love how this story is developing; have read some previous chapters. I was wondering what Crona looks like. The dialogue is good. There are some spelling mistakes, just a few. I feel there could be more interaction between Crona and Kalo. You could even describe so of the playing of the video game. Write on!
This story feels rushed. There is lots of detail missing that could be used here. for example you can describe the truck in more detail, while crossing the street what else does Mariel and her daughter see, Some of the sentences are confusing to me. There are places where wrong words are used. Overall the theme is good it just needs to be expanded more.
This story is creative in how you use the time travel theme. I like how the girls are scrambling to get their story straight and they are so excited to see Jane Austen in person. I feel that some more description could have been used just to set the scene more for the reader. The dialogue is well done. Very creative piece. Left me wanting more at the end.
At the beginning with the first set of dialogue I feel there could be some added description I was confused as to which character was named the BLACK*STAR. The dialogue in the last half of the story was done much better and if you follow that style it will help the reader to identify with you characters better. I like the super hero feel of this story and you have made it your own. The ending is simple and sweet which I like. Overall this is good a story. Write on!
I love how you put the creative twist on beauty and the beast.The dialogues between the beast and the lawyers is well done. Some questions I do have is, did the beast overlook only the detail about falling out of love, was there anything else? What are the actual words to the curse? Also, curious about Belle's perspective on all of this. Well done!
This is a creative point of view of pen and pencil. I love the language you used to describe each other. The end was well done showing how they can work together to accomplish great things. I found this peace not only creative also cute. Great job!
After reading the bit about the pub I felt like there should be more there. Then the bit about Bryce's apartment with Summer followed the bar. Things like how he met Summer, other interactions with others there are some things that could be used in more details. Other than that one part the rest of it flowed well and I was left at the end wanting to read more. Great job!
This story is awesome. As I was reading in the beginning it wan't the words that hooked me it was the emotion that I could feel that something was coming. As the story continued you did a great job of building up the suspense of that emotion which increased more and more as the story progressed. When I got to the a point where the emotion is really intense the main character yells "poison" and throws her soup. After the embarrassment sinks in and she makes her exit. Love how you left me hanging there wanting more; I hope there is more. Great job!
Grats on making an honourable mention on the Long, Long, Long contest. I like how you made a tragedy turn out to have a very happy ending. The development of your characters is well done. While reading the letter ans learning about the family secret was a good twist to make the story exciting. There was good flow of the story line through out the whole story. Good job on your creative talent in bringing the characters to life. I was left at the end wondering how the relationship between Simon and Jill would turn out and interested in how Simon and Emma take to each other in the future. Also, I was wondering how Emma, Jill, and Simon would spend their money? I like how you have left the story in a way where you could add to it, if you choose to do so; this would be excellent in a novel or even a series of short stories. Overall this story is awesome. Write on!
This story is very different. I felt the transition from the present to the day dream world of the main character did not flow together; the first time when it happened with the robbers I was confused and had to go back and re-read some of the story then it clicked. I like the present to the day dream stage idea I feel it just needs a smoother transition, give the reader a little more information so that they do not get lost. I like how you left me hanging at the end and I wondered what is going to happen next. There were a few spelling errors. Overall your story idea is good. Write on!
Throughout this piece I have the feeling of wanting to know more. To know more about what Franklin looks like. More into the mind of Franklin also like how does he feel about what he is doing with these cupcakes and why he is doing it in the first place? The one character that did not want a cupcake why did he not want one; did he not like cupcakes, have an intuition about it; the character did say he felt uneasy was too generalized and more could been expressed here. The ending was fabulous. Good twist. Overall this is a very creative piece with some expansion it will be even better. Write on!
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