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26
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Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greats on the publication of this fantasy novel, which you have captured my attention from the first word to the last in this teaser you have here of the first chapter. You have done well in setting the scene in introducing your main characters with their environment in a world which you have created using your brilliant writing craft. An important element which you have done very well is the emotions expressed with your characters which help the reader to relate to them more and be able to feel their way into the story more, makes the story more real.

Suggestions for improvement, I do not have any suggestions for you because this first chapter flows beautifully from the beginning to the end; I feel this chapter is great as it is. My favourite part is when Squire tells what he remembers of his ordeal and there is good interaction with Helge, who is able to clear up many parts of his story which he believes is a dream basically because he does not remember himself about who he is or what this world is even all about.

Overall, this well written and has an excellent fantasy element throughout this chapter, which leaves me wanting to read more. I also like you have left the end of the chapter, which sets you up beautifully for the next chapter in this fantastic tale. The descriptions used to describe the setting and even the wolves, which are involved in this great adventure are in a way that you give enough information that leaves me wanting to learn more about this world and the characters within it. Great job!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


 King's Landing updating   (E)
For GoT scoring
#1157596 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


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27
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Review of Dana's Story  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Relationships can be complicated situations, especially when you feel things are going good then a second later you loose everything. Over, Dana started to put her life together, there are memories which come back as reflections of the relationship and the things start to come out that things may not have been as good as once thought they were such as something as simple as a grocery trip was controlled by her boyfriend, since he is not around now she can get anything she wants; if her relationship was truly a loving one she should have been able to get whatever she wanted at the grocery store when she was with her boyfriend.

You have done a great job showing the reader how things seemed to be for Dana when she was with her boyfriend. One suggestion for improvement is I feel there can be more expression of emotion throughout this piece, especially when she is all alone in her new apartment, does she feel loneliness without him there, hopelessness because she lost control of how her relationship turned out or does she just feel grief. A relationship, whether it is going well or not, always produces a big amount of emotions, some feel loving and others feel unloving. My favourite part was the last bit you wrote about the little girl singing in the checkout line, cute ending.

Overall, great job writing from a woman's perspective on her relationship with some expansion on the emotions being felt throughout the whole situation will make this story better and you will find the reader will feel the story with you when write in this way. Write on!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


 King's Landing updating   (E)
For GoT scoring
#1157596 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
28
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Review of Hooked  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Grats on the creepiness of this story which works very well, especially the ending, which I did see coming except not in the dramatic way you presented it. This story reminds of a story which I read on the internet which the writer insisted to be true. I can't remember the small town except it was in the United States a family was on vacation and stopped at a gas station. The father went in the store/dinner to pay for the gas and the whole place was deserted. He ended up going into the back room trying to look for someone and he found someone, a man hacking a man with a butcher knife. He was so scared, turned around, ran out of there jumped in his car and drove away. His wife ended up asking if everything was alright with him and he told her it was, he could not tell his wife the gruesome scene he had witnessed.

I like how you use hunger in the beginning, which something we can all relate to in different degrees. There was a bit of mystery there as well to figure out where the story was going which kept me interested in reading more to see what will happen next. Great job with the development of your main character and for the horro element you used here.

Overall, great job with this story and I feel the story stands to be amazing as it is so I do not have any words for improvement. Grats on creeping me out. Write on!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


 King's Landing updating   (E)
For GoT scoring
#1157596 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
29
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Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
My first impression of this story is the story line is interesting and I like how you created a native element to this story with the mix of cowboys. One suggestion that I do have is the structure of the story as it is makes it a little bit difficult to read, it would be better to either indent a new paragraph or leave one space in between paragraphs which will make this story easier to read. If you need to look at any examples of the structure pick up any novel and look at how the paragraphs are structured. There were also a few spots where some editing could be done as well.

I like how you set the scene for your main character to dive into researching the ranch and able to find quite a bit of information on the area; it was a good touch including the newspaper article in your story. You did a good job taking the reader through the journey Aylie goes through doing her research by using the computer, to reading journals, to getting first hand accounts of events that had happened; this had me wanting to read more.

Overall, well thought out idea you have here with a little bit of editing and improving the structure for easier reading this piece can be better. Write on!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


 King's Landing updating   (E)
For GoT scoring
#1157596 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


Night's Watch image for G.o.T.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Seconds...  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love the creativity of this story which has the element of nature within the core of all the action. At the beginning you set the scene for the coming of an event that could lead to disaster if not prepared which is the purpose of the discovery of the document. The message I see in this story is when there is some information being passed as a warning then it is wise to prepare because it is foolish to just wait and see what happens which is then always too late. Although there are situations where it does not matter how much you prepare, you will still be taken off guard. Have you had any of your work published? Sirens Call Magazine has been looking for stories for their Eco-Horror Issue. The due date is June 1 except they usually are pretty good with taking down their submissions when they have enough and leave it up longer when they are still looking. Here is the link to check out if you are interested http://www.sirenscallpublications.com/open_subs.ht...

My favourite part is when the plants came alive and put everything into chaos. There was the problem to solve about how to survive. This is why a bit of warning would have helped because a plan could have been established about having a safe place for people to go instead of having to hear the screams of death of so many.

Overall, this is a well written creative piece about nature fighting back. There are good descriptions of the action and the decision making process the humans went through to face their adversary. Just one suggestion, you had one description about one of the plants which was done very well, at the beginning I feel a bit more description of the plants would be beneficial to this story. Well done!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


 King's Landing updating   (E)
For GoT scoring
#1157596 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


Night's Watch image for G.o.T.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
31
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Review of Darby's Pond  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is being done for GOT review raid. The title of and description of this piece of writing attracted me to it since I love ponds. Which takes me back to where my friend in Kansas lives where I saw a pond for the first time. The ecosystem of wildlife and plant life fascinates me, especially seeing it as a living and breathing part of life instead of seeing pictures on the internet or reading about ponds in books, the real experience is so much better.

I like how you have a cat named Socrates as Jarvis's feline friend which are great companions. Just one thing that I have for improvement on this story is more of a part to play with Socrates. For example, more of a description about what the cat looks like, his thoughts and emotions are not expressed at all and it would be interesting to know what he thinks of all that goes on with Jarvis in this story. Although you do get the idea through Socrates's actions at times hearing the thoughts and emotions expressed does give a character more depth even if he is just a cat. My roommate has a few cats here at the house and there has been many times where I have been curious as to what the actual thoughts and feelings are about certain things; this is just one of the things in life I am curious about.

There is a morale here in this story to be learned. Just because you hear any rumors or gossip about a subject does not necessarily mean that the information being overheard is true. Always do your research and double check your information to be sure it is correct, especially if you just overhear it from a random person because many mistakes can be made with bad consequences as a result as we have seen here in this story which resulted in death for a few scraps and poor Socrates lost his owner which resulted in his death from a broken heart with the loss of his friend.

Overall, the story flows well with a good morale to be learned. I was just left wanting to know about Socrates because he seems to be an interesting character. Thank for sharing your words with us. Great job!

 King's Landing updating   (E)
For GoT scoring
#1157596 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


Night's Watch image for G.o.T.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
32
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Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I stopped by your port this weekend for the GOT review raid. You have some creative pieces of writing which show your writing craft in a beautiful way. Thank you for sharing your work with us. I was attracted to this piece because of the title, which included a ghost that got my attention, I am interested in stories with ghosts and found this one to be an intriguing read.

I do find it interesting that the ghost is responding to a letter previously written in the Daily Gazette, which portrayed the crew on the Confederate submarine H. L. Hunley as a bunch of hoodlums and terrorists, which according to this letter is not the truth at all. We see lots untruths especially in the media since it has existed when it first started in newspaper form and has updated to tv, internet, magazines, and there are still newspapers around as well.

The ghost goes on to explain that this was an extremely dangerous event in history to embark upon which every crew member volunteered despite the dangers they all knew were involved; these men were there in an honorable manner which each man believed they were doing something that was for a cause or adventure, while others just wanted to make some money. The ghost described these men like they were ordinary beings just wanting to live life in the way they chose to live it.

I like how the ghost describes the danger involved in this event because it shows that these men were not out there to fool around or make trouble, they had a purpose and a goal which they knew was very possible that they would all die; they were all willing to take the risk. Just like any other ship which is discovered people always wonder about the story of those that passed and the circumstances of their death; always curious about what the truth of the event although there is no one left to tell the tale. If only a ghost could actually do this for every one of the ships that get discovered we could all learn more about the events that have been left a true mystery for all to wonder about.

Overall, this is an excellent piece of writing with good explanation of the event that happened and the experience this ghost went through. There is one thing missing I feel that could be explored more which is the emotional condition of the men through this experience at the time when they knew things went wrong. You do a good job of explaining the emotional condition I feel at the beginning of the letter just near the end there it is a little bit vague. Although we can guess what the emotional conditional is based on what happened, it would just mean more and make the piece better if the words came from the ghost. Great job!

 King's Landing updating   (E)
For GoT scoring
#1157596 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


Night's Watch image for G.o.T.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Lifted high  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Happy anniversary! I was attracted to this poem by the description mentioning an ancient dragon, I love reading and writing bout dragons. The first stanza talks about a dragon guarding what seems to be an old treasure for a long period of time, which includes a theme of love which I find interesting. My favourite line is the third one in the stanza because I like how the words flow together. You have done a good job of the rhyming of the last word at the end of each sentence in this stanza.

The second stanza brings us into learning about the age of this dragon which is as stated, old. There are many stories, myths, poems, and epic stories which feature dragons from every time period imaginable. These creatures are definitely old even though writers are always writing about them and they also seem to have epic stories to tell. The variety of dragons are endless and the creativity is in a place of infinite places where the writer can bring the reader to places they can just imagine.

The last stanza is quite interesting in the use of language and rhyming here. You talk about the dragon taking the the reader away on a journey of old which is epic in the mentioning of such a thing. Of course there is a knight within a good story of dragons (although the knight is not neccesary for a good story many of them include the character of a knight), which includes the knight having some sort of courage by something precious such as a jewel or gold, in this case it is "eternity's mold" which holds the power of the courage in the knight where there could possible be a fight to the death if necessary this brave knight will follow through with the task at hand whether he/she will live or die.

Overall, an amazing piece of poetry with excellent use of words that flow very well together. I have enjoyed this piece very much. Thank you for sharing with us and write on!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


 King's Landing updating   (E)
For GoT scoring
#1157596 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


Night's Watch image for G.o.T.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Cellar Dark  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This short story is creepy thank you for sharing with us. Cellars can be creepy places almost as creepy as a basement because they are usually used for storage areas you never know what you find in a cellar sometimes. I like how you asked the question about what could fit through the crack which opened up the imagination of Jack and the reader is able to get a sense of who he is with his reasoning of the choices of what could pass through there has to be small. He mentions a number of things such as a bug being food for his pet snake and reasoning that a spider would be creepy and since he was fast, he could handle the small critter.

I like how you wrote about the colour black. I had a dream once where I was in what I though was a cave of some sort because the place I was in was so black that when I put my hand in front of my face I could not see the outline of it at all. This is where the fear started to kick in about where I was, so a crawled on all fours waving my hand around with lots of confusion as to why I could not feel a wall or anything else at all. Everything was the darkest black I have ever seen and I remember waking up in a panic from this dream so I can relate to the descriptions you have about the colour black. Maybe here in this part you could mention a bit of the emotional response to the black.

As Jack's fear increases his imagination is running away with him. At this point I believe that Jack was not sure if the door actually moved or if it was all in his imagination. It is not long before we discover there is Jack's twin on the other side of the door which greets him with a wink. You did a good job in the last paragraph describing the other boy looking at Jack and giving the reader a hint of what was to come.

Overall, excellent story with good descriptions of the areas that set the story such as the cellar, the colour black, the boy Jack, and his twin. I do see potential for a longer story here because there are so many elements here you could expand on and have an amazing horror story. I love your imagination. Write on!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


 King's Landing updating   (E)
For GoT scoring
#1157596 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of LOST TREASURES  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love how this story is taking place in Africa, which is one of my favorite places to read about and the Kruger millions mentioned in this story takes the story in an interesting direction. Throughout the story which is well written what you have here, there feels like there could be more added to this story to flesh it out a bit. For example, at the beginning you describe that there were mountains, canyons, and gorges; I feel here, especially for someone who is reading this from Cambridge, Ontario, Canada it would be interesting to read about the colour, the smell, are there trees and flowers, what type of wildlife is wandering around, are there insects or furry creatures, is the area dry or is there lots of rain which makes the area moist providing a perfect environment for plants and animals to flourish.

My favorite part is when you describe the children getting off the bus and mingling with one another regardless of what group, religion they were supposed to be a part of, I find that we can learn so much from children. It must thrown the adults in confusion of what to do in order to re-organize all of you and in the end leaving you all as you are in their mind probably seemed the easier way to handle the situation when in reality the adults were causing it to begin with. All the children seemed to be enjoying themselves to be among each other.

When you started talking about the Kruger's Millions I would have been interested in what you said to the other kids about it to get them so captivated. Although you make it sound like no big deal it seemed like a big deal to the ones you were speaking to. I feel that have more of a dialogue between the main character and the rest of the kids when looking for this treasure would have improved this story with showing the reader the emotions of the characters and also showing more of their personalities.

The ending was well done and brings the story together nicely, which to me the story is more of a flashback to the main character's life.

Overall, this story has been well written with what you have here and with some expansion in a few places this will be an even better story. This story has great potential for a bigger project like a novell or novel. Great job!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


 King's Landing updating   (E)
For GoT scoring
#1157596 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


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Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Scribes  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am participating in A Very Wodehouse Challenge and I have been made editor of a men's magazine, which I have chosen your poem 'Chess Players in Central Park' to be included in this project. I like how you describe the ambiance of the outdoors where these men are playing in the first verse. The second brings us to how there is excitement in this game in watching the pieces move across the board where words are needed here. The third you describe the pieces and the board with this line, 'with silver-white tactics, cantankerous grins,' is my favorite. In the fourth you describe the game between the pieces in more detail here, which gives them a life of their own. In the last verse you close with the attention of the men have for this game with everything else can wait until it is finished, silence can be a big suspense creator when you watch a game like this being played out wondering what the next move is going to be. This poem reminds me of a huge chessset which was set up in the mall of St Catharines, Ontario, where I used to live and the atmosphere you described here in the poem matches what you describe here in your poem. There is usually not much talking in this game, there is lots of thinking going on which really adds to a suspenseful atmosphere. Great job!

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a very Wodehouse challenge  (E)
A blind set of challenges hosted by Writing.com groups/members. Come test your fortitude!
#1280691 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


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Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Scribes  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am participating in A Very Woodhouse Challenge and I have been appointed editor of a men's magazine, which I feel your article 'The Basic Men's Wardrobe' is an excellent article to have in the magazine. I like the straight forwardness and the humor used to explain the best way to declutter a man's wardrobe to looking for the clothes that would suit the man. I like how you explain that if you have an article of clothing that does not fit either change it to make it fit or pitch it because with many men there is the favorite shirt or pants which have been worn for ten years or more because they are loved, there is a time to retire them or keep them for the future generation and pass these pieces of clothing down to your son would another idea. This article is written very well with a good flow of ideas throughout the whole article, I was hooked from the beginning to the end. Overall, well written article with excellent tips and ideas for men to help with making their wardrobe better.

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a very Wodehouse challenge  (E)
A blind set of challenges hosted by Writing.com groups/members. Come test your fortitude!
#1280691 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Outlaw  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Scribes  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am participating in A Very Wodehouse Challenge and I have been made editor of a men's magazine which I have to select articles on WDC. I have selected 'The Outlaw' because I feel it goes into the things that would go through a man's mind when dating a woman. You go into the things such as how she is going to think about him to how his friends will think about the relationship to how the town will even see them. I like how you showed the expectation of fishing with Beth which was not the same caliber as the way Jake thought of fishing in his mind, in reality Beth seemed to like fishing with her own equipment and even though she did not catch as many fish as Jake hers were bigger. I like how you left the ending for the reader to use his/her imagination about what happened next.

http://www.writing.com/main/forums/item_id/1280691...


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Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Scribes  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I am participating in a challenge for A Very Woodhouse Challenge. I have been appointed editor of a men's magazine and I found your article on 'How To Treat A Lady' a good choice to have in this magazine. I feel you have walked through the steps for a man to consider when asking the woman out up to the experience of the first date. There is one thing I feel you have missed here is while the man is doing all these things to impress her it is very important for him to be himself throughout the whole time, pretending to something you are not or to do things just to make yourself look good will in the long run will turn into disaster eventually.

My favourite part of this piece is the beginning, 'Most of us men think we know how to treat a lady. We think opening a door and stepping to one-side to allow our lady friends enter first is being a gentleman. Well sorry guys, if that is all you think you have to do, then you are out of luck.' which had me hooked from the beginning to the end. There is good flow with ideas throughout this piece and I feel it will help men get over or ease their fears in asking women out and taking them on thier first date.


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Review of Second Chance  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a beautiful love story you have written set in a medical scene. I like how you show the reader insight into the relationship between Joe and Emily with the happy times and the difficult times. You have created a special bond that went beyond anything that either of the main characters could conceive. The heart is always where the truth lies no matter what a person says or thinks in their mind, their heart is always the core of how they feel and believe. The only suggestion I have is I want to know more, this is such a touching story and you can tell there is so much more. Overall, excellent job in writing this piece which grabbed my attention from the beginning till the end. Write on!

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Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I feel one of the greatest mysteries of life is how the universe was created. This piece of writing is an interesting myth with the creation of the four elements, the animals, and the humans. This is well written and flows very well from the beginning to the end. My favourite part is the creation of the four element because the process which you took the hen through was logical and it showed the power of creation. One thing for improvement, I was curious about the description of the trees and plant life, in particular the tree of life. You did say there was fruit on the tree, the colour, whether there are leaves are not on it or even if it has some characteristics that are very plain or does it seem spectacular in sight? These are just some suggestions. Overall, this is well written with the story flowing well and it is a good myth. Life is precious and the curiiosity to know where came from with continue until we know the truth about the origins about the universe and even ourselves.

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Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This article made smile while I was reading it. The example you have shared with us about the clerk is how we can touch many people in ways without even knowing that we do. How many people keep going back to that particular store just to visit this lady who is not afraid to think outside the box? How many go there just to get cheered up or escape their life even if it is just for a few minutes? It is beautiful to hear a story about someone who sounds like he/she love to be with people and this is something that you do not see everywhere. Beautiful article, thank you for sharing your words with us.

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Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a beautiful expression of appreciation and experience on the writing.com site and even writing throughout life. You have shown us how writing has brought many gifts along the way through the different experiences of life. I can relate to what you wrote about the people here being great with writing and this is what makes the experience amazing with great activities and great authors and great leadership on this site. Thank you for sharing you words with us here.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
My first impression of this story is this has some great potential. There are some areas where it felt the story was being rushed. For example, in any story where there is a quest the journey is a vital part of the story. Usually there are some mishaps and lessons learned along the way and this did not occur very much here especially on the first part of the journey. After the first part of the journey the words, 'Throughout the past few weeks in which they had travelled together, Taysain seemed to have turned into a good friedn of Dramala's. They had depended upon each other.' would have had more meaning if while on the journey there was conversation between Taysain and Dramala or even some event that would pull them closer together and show the reader the progress of their relationship. Another element is while on the journey there is some discovery of some sort and you showed this through the discovery of magic that Dramala had no idea she had. A suggestion, after the discovery of the gift she could have came upon someone who could assist her in learning about her powers or she could be placed in a situation where she would be forced to use her power in order to learn how to use it before facing the evil sorcerer. Some good examples of stories that have a journey or quest of some sort is The Lord of the Rings, and The Hobbit are just a few of many examples of books you can read to study how they structured their stories. I feel what you have written is done well which can be better with some expansion. This does have the potential to be a much longer piece such as a novel or a long short story. There is also descriptions of scenery of the different places the characters are residing in which helps to set the setting much better. There is also descriptions of the characters are missing which do help the reader to relate more to the characters and picture them as well. I do like the creative imagination in the creation of the of the Mopheme which you made to be rare and hold value when used as a rescue for the main characters. An idea to think about, Dramala made an oath to her Goddess that she would never have a family if her quest was successful, here you have shown the torment and damage which is created when making such an oath and this was not realized until the oath was taken and the deed was done. There are many stories already written about this theme and a way to give this them a bit of a twist is show that breaking the oath because of is possible. When a choice is made that is damaging the oath maker than the possibility of breaking it in love is only made possible because love is the strongest emotion which greater than oath or evil power. You may not like that idea and I am ok with that I just had these thoughts floating around after I read your story. Overall, this is a good start on your story and with some expansion in a few areas this could be an even better story. Write on!

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Review of That night  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (4.5)
The first paragraph of this story grabbed my attention and the descriptions used there were easy to picture in my mind. I like how you introduced the two main characters as being together was the most natural thing for them, as the story progresses there is hints of the woman either being married or in a relationship with another man while enjoying this man. The ending made me feel there is more to come in this story and it left me hanging wondering what happens next. The only suggestion I have for improvement is to expand this story with descriptions of characters, with the emotions of how she actually feels about this man compared to the man sh is supposed to be with, and also the contact for another encounter which is hinted at the end, curious about this myself. Overall, great start here for the potential for a longer piece if that what you feel you want to with this piece of writing. Write on!

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Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found your use of the prompt very creative. The creation of a creature in the woods and adding in the interesting experience with the other characters hooked me from the beginning of this story till the end. The dialogue was done well which flowed together through out the story. The only thing I saw missing was a description of the characters, either in a few sentences or even after a character speaks describe briefly what they are doing. I realize there is a short word count so it may have been challenging to keep the words count down. I have entered this contest myself for the day after you have entered so I have experienced the difficulty in writing a story in such few words. Overall, great story with interesting characters which move the story along at a good pace. Great job and good luck in your contest.

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Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
The beginning of this chapter hooked me into reading your story. At the beginnning in the second line you do not even need to point this out, '... as teens hurl insults at her.' because you are showing this through your characters. Instead of stating in some parts such as here, 'Sirrah gets to her locker and sees Alchemy standing against her own locker flirting with some boy.' show the reader through the characters what they are doing instead of stating it. This will also help to expand this chapter as it is a bit short in my opinion. There are many areas where I feel that some expansion can take place to make this better. You have a great a idea here and it is a very good start. The structure of your story would look better here on this site with one space in between paragraphs. I double spaced myself when I first started writing here and when I tried it out I found that it does look better with less space and when you are writing longer pieces than the reader does not have to scroll as much, try it out and if you do not like it put it back the way it was. Overall, with some expansion and more details this story can be better than it is now. Great start!

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Review of Wild Cards  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
My first impression of this piece is that it is an introduction to a much longer story such as a novel and you hint that chapter one is one the way soon; I am looking forward to it. I like the different points of view from each character and how you show us who they are right before the event which they all seem to encounter together. There are a few minor things for improvement. In Sage's introduction there is dialogue in the same paragraph where these paragraphs should be broken up with a space; when there are more than one character speaking in the same paragraph it can be confusing for the reader with who is speaking. I have noticed in the structure of your story something I did as well when I fist started writing on this website which is double spacing the paragraphs. I did because I was taught in school to always double space in between paragraphs. When posting your story here it looks better with one space and there is not as much scrolling down for your story. Even if you wanted to try it in an edit just to see what it would look like you can always change it back if you decide you do not like it and as always like everything I say here it is just a suggestion. Overall, you have an amazing imagination with a good set up for your novel here. Great job!

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Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a well written short story. I like how you have the two main characters interacting with each other. I feel there could be more emotion expressed between the characters about the situation. The girl seems to act out she does not express whether she is angry or lonely or maybe she is just not capable to express herself in her current condition. Dave is quite sane it seems and I feel that to express who the situation makes him feel such as anger, loneliness for loosing the girl he fell in love with, or grief over the loss; these are just some suggestions and my opinion only. Overall, the story is well written and reads at a good pace and with some expansion in a few places this could be an even better story.

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Review of 10101001  
Review by TJ Marie
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
At first when I saw the title I did think it may be binary and when I found out near the end what it really meant, the true meaning is actually better than what I first thought. This story is well written and well thought out and the characters are interesting. One suggestion for improvement I do have is, to have more description of your characters. This can be through a paragraph or it can be done little bits throughout the story. I found the Observer to be the most interesting character in this story and I do wonder about where this character came from and what sort of life it lead before being the Observer. There is a sense of denial of learning the truth in this story with the constantly stopping of the bombs all over the world, instead they could determine the cause of these situations then from there provide solutions which would stop all of the threats. Instead they just wait for the next one then deflate it then wait for the next one and carry on in this manner until it got to the point where there is no room for saving anyone anymore. This is a similar concept that happens in life right now through politic and war we are just basically deflating the bad situations instead of providing a solution which can heal the damage done. Overall, great job and well done!

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